30 Rock

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30 Rock (2006-) is a primetime sitcom about a sketch comedy show called The Girlie Show and its head writer Liz Lemon.

Contents

[edit] Season 1

[edit] Pilot [1.1]

[first scene of the series; a man walks up to a hot dog stand, ignoring the line]
Liz: Whoa, excuse me, there's a line, buddy.
Man: There's two lines.
Liz: No. No, there's one line; we're in it.
Man: I'm just getting a hot dog.
Liz: We're all getting hot dogs! What, you think there's two lines and we're all in this line? You're the only genius who got in the other line? Can you believe this guy?
[half the people line up behind the man]
Liz: Don't line up behind him! He cheated you!
Man: Hey, shut up!
Liz: [to hot dog vender] Now, I want all the hot dogs, please. Yeah, I'm buying all the hot dogs.
[groans and shouts of protest]
Liz: [pointing at the people in line behind her] And I'm giving them to the good people.
Jack: [to Liz] I like you. You have the boldness of a much younger woman.
Jack: Are you familiar with the GE tri-vection oven?
Liz: I don't cook very much.
Jack: Sure...I gotcha. New York, third-wave feminist, college-educated, single and pretending to be happy about it, over-scheduled, undersexed, you buy any magazine that says 'healthy body image' on the cover, and every two years you take up knitting for [pause] a week.
Pete: That is dead on!
Liz: What, are you going to guess my weight now?
Jack: You don't want me to do that.
Tracy: You know how pissed off I was when Us Weekly said that I was on crack? That's racist! I'm not on crack - I'm straight-up mentally ill!
Tracy: Affirmative action was designed to keep women and minorities in competition with each other to distract us while white dudes inject AIDS into our chicken nuggets. That's a metaphor!!

[edit] The Aftermath [1.2]

[Tracy is meeting the writers for the first time.]
Tracy: Lemme just say, I'm excited to be here. It's an honor for you to meet me. I've got a lot of characters I'm ready to bust out. I got a character named "Biscuit", write that out. I got another character named "Rolando", who is a two-foot-tall Spanish hustler. [pointing to Frank] Glasses, I want you to write that one. I got another character named "Ching Chong", who loves to play ping pong. I just made that up right now, 'cause that's how I flow. Now, I'm up for anything.
Josh: Well, I thought, uh, me and you could play Seinfeld and Bill Cosby.
Tracy: No. I don't like that.
[Jenna and Liz are discussing actor Tracy Jordan.]
Liz: How you doin'?
Jenna: There is no way that I am working with that guy. Do you know that he once got arrested for walking naked through LaGuardia?
Liz: Yeah.
Jenna: And that he once fell asleep on Ted Danson's roof?
Liz: Yeah, Tracy has mental health issues.
Jenna: He bit Dakota Fanning on the face.
Liz: When you hear his version, she was kinda askin' for it.
Tracy: So, how you doing over there, Theo Huxtable.
Toofer: I'm doing good.
Tracy: Nah-uh. Superman does good; you're doing well. You need to study your grammar, son.
[Tracy leaves the room.]
Frank: [to Toofer] Wow, that was embarrassing for you.
[Jenna and Liz are discussing actor Tracy Jordan, they enter a room so no one can hear them.]
Jenna: Okay, that was beyond insulting. The guy doesn't even know my name. Why do you love him so much?
Liz: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I don't love him, Donaghy loves him. That's it. Pete can't stand him, Toofer thinks he's an idiot, even Cerie says he's a pig.
Jenna: Frank likes his movies.
Liz: Yeah, Frank also loves that video of the monkey smelling his own butt. [pause] Nobody wants Tracy Jordan here, except for certified non-genius Jack Donaghy.
[Kenneth enters.]
Kenneth: I'm sorry to interrupt, Ms. Maroney, but the sound guys want their microphone back.
Liz: So, everyone can...
[The sound is still going throughout the studio, Tracy and Jack are listening.]
Kenneth: ...hear everything you're saying, yes, ma'am.
Jenna: Oh, my God! I didn't use the N word, did I?
Kenneth: Oh, no, no, no, no, Ms. Maroney, you did not.
Jenna: Oh, good. I never would, but you know...
Liz: Jenna, take the mic off!
Jenna: Sorry.
Liz: [to the other writers] I didn't say anything about you guys that I wouldn't have said to your faces.
[someone throws something at her]
Liz: Okay, are we going to talk about this like adults or you just going to throw things at me?
[they all begin throwing things at her]
Liz: All right. Okay, fine, get it out your system.
[a toaster just misses her]
Liz: All right, nothing that plugs in, you guys! Nothing that could really hurt me!
[she is hit with a disgusting-looking liquid]

[edit] Blind Date [1.3]

Jack: Human contact is important Lemon. I can tell from your stress level that you have not been touched in any way in quite some time. Not caressed, not massaged, not even groped on the subway.
Jack: All right then. You're not a lesbian. Duly noted. I'll correct that on your file. It's too bad though. Thomas thought you were great.
Liz: She did?
Jack: Yes. She said she thought you looked like Jennifer Jason Leigh.
Liz: Really? She said that?
Jack: Yes, I made her repeat it. I was sure she meant Jason Lee.
Liz: What do guys like?
Frank: Porn.
Liz: No, I mean if you were to go on a date with a girl, how would you want her to act?
Frank: Like she was in a porn.
Liz: Kenneth, why did you bet that terrible hand?
Kenneth: Why? Because I believe life is for the living. I believe in taking risks and biting off more than you can chew. And also, people were yelling and I got confused about the rules.
Liz: [about Kenneth] Well, it was nice of you to let him keep his job.
Jack: The Italians have a saying, Lemon. 'Keep your friends close and your enemies closer'. And although they've never won a war or mass-produced a decent car, in this area they are correct. In five years, we'll all either be working for him... or be dead by his hand.

[edit] Jack the Writer [1.4]

Tracy: But I want you to know something... You and me, it's not gonna be a one-way street. 'Cause I don't believe in one-way streets. Not between people, and not while I'm driving.
Kenneth: Oh, OK.
Tracy: So, here's some advice I wish I woulda got when I was your age: Live every week like it's Shark Week.
Jack: So, I was doing some research on comedy and I came across the cartoon strip Dilbert. It's quite good. And I was wondering if we could do that.
Liz: Do what?
Jack: Dilbert.
Liz: I hate going up to Donaghy's office even for something normal. I always feel like I'm entering the Death Star. I swear if Donaghy does this [does Darth Vader force-strangle] at me, I'll run.
Pete: You'll be fine [evil smile] Captain Needa.
Liz: [as elevator door closes] No, Captain Needa dies, he dies!
Liz: [about her assistant's scantily-clad appearance] That's it. I gotta talk to her about her clothes, she can't dress like that.
Pete: [defensively] Well, yes, she can! People like the way she dresses!
Liz: Oh, c'mon. It's distracting, it's inappropriate.
Pete: [desperate] You're inappropriate, you jerk, with your big stupid face!
[Liz confronts Cerie about the way she dresses for work.]
Liz: Okay, this is gonna sound really weird. But, um, you need to wear a bra.
Cerie: Oh, no. I... I don't actually. They kinda just stay up on their own.
[Cerie starts bouncing up and down to prove her point.]
Liz: Um, yeah, okay. What I'm saying is you need to wear a bra to work if you wanna be taken seriously in this business.
Cerie: Oh, but I don't actually wanna work in television. Career-wise, I'm just gonna marry rich and design handbags.
Liz: [pauses, stunned by this remark] Here's the thing. The way you dress is making some people around the office...uncomfortable.
Cerie: Really? Who?
[Pete pokes his head through the door]
Pete: Not me. [Liz closes the door]

[edit] Jack-tor [1.5]

[Jack in an internal GE training video being shown to the writers.]
Jack: All you have to do as the writing staff of an NBC show is incorporate positive mentions, or 'POS-MENS' of GE products into your program. For example you could write an episode where one of your character purchases, and is satisfied with one of GE direct current, drilling motors for off-shore or land-based projects.
Jack: Lemon, I don't know how to do this.
Liz: I know.
Jack: [looking out window] I don't get it. It's not the fear. I thrive on fear.
Liz: Yeah, you're lookin' out a fake window right now, by the way.
Jack: I bow hunt polar bear. I once drove a rental car into the Hudson to practice escaping. And it's not the public speaking, there's just something about performing I can't wrap my brain around. All this creative crap. Acting. Ahhh. I've never been able to do it. Never.
Jack: Once I set my mind to something I have to accomplish it. 10 years ago I was an inch and a half shorter than I am today. Sheer will power.
Pete: So, first you thought he was illiterate and now you think he's lazy? Liz, you are racist.
Liz: No, Tracy took advantage of my 'white guilt,' which is supposed to be used only for good like over-tipping and supporting Barack Obama.
Jack: Lemon, I need your help.
Liz: Really. Jack Donaghy needs--
Jack: Lemon, don't gloat. It makes you seem mannish.
Liz: ... Ok, here's your pep talk. You're not an actor, you're Jack Donaghy, all right? Ok, so quit whining and nut up. You're right, if you can't do this, you are a failure. Josh can do this, and earlier today he ate a club sandwich with the toothpicks still in it. Jenna can do this and she was once engaged to David Blaine. Any dumb-dumb can act, Jack, so be a man and get it done.
Jack: If you were any other woman on Earth, I would be turned on right now.

[edit] Jack Meets Dennis [1.6]

Jenna: What's too old?
Jack: That's a very good question. How old are you?
Jenna:I'm 29.
Jack: What year were you born?
Jenna: 1977.
Jack: When did you graduate high school?
Jenna: '94.
Jack: When do you turn 40?
Jenna: 2017.
Jack: Junior high crush?
Jenna: Kirk Cameron.
Jack: Prom theme?
Jenna "Motown Philly" Boyz II Men.
Jack: What movie did you lose your virginity to?
Jenna: Arachnophobia.
Jack: Theater or drive-in?
Jenna: [pauses] What's a drive-in?
Jack: Of course. I don't know why I bothered to ask. I can tell just from your physical appearance that you're obviously...29.
Jack: That's a sharp tie you've got there Dennis.
Dennis: That douchebag up front made me wear it.
Jack: Does he know you're the Beeper King?
Dennis: I don't think so.
Liz: This is clearly the nicest restaurant we've ever been to.
Dennis: Hold on a second, this place ain't that nice, alright. It's got rats and roaches like every other restaurant.
Liz: No rat talk tonight, okay.
Dennis: [to Jack] You know there are 17 million rats per person in Manhattan. You eat a pound of rat crap every year without even knowing it, huh?
Jack: I think I read about that in The New Yorker. [pause] Um, anyway, we'll leave you two to your meal. I hope you enjoy the choices that you've made.
Jack: You enjoy that restaurant?
Dennis: No, I think I was right about that place. We saw a whole nest of rats when we were leaving.
Liz: No, we didn't.
Dennis: I didn't tell you because I knew you'd freak out. [pause] Actually, I think I saw a rat king.
Cerie: What's a rat king?
Frank: Oh, it's when a buncha rats are crammed into a tiny space and their tails get all tangled up; and they can't even pull apart.
Dennis: And it gets awesome. Eventually, their bodies fuse together and they form a multi-headed live rat king and we saw one.
[He puts his arm around Liz.]
Jack: Gosh, I hope you got a picture of that with a camera on your beeper.
Dennis: Actually, my beeper doesn't have a camera; but it does have a pedometer. Actually, not this one.
[Dennis walks off to look for the beeper with a pedometer.]
Jack: [whispering to Liz] I love him.
Liz: Okay, very funny. You bought a pager from Dennis. Will you take it off now, please?
Jack: Oh, I can't. I'm expecting a call from 1983.
Jack: Lemon, today is the first day of the rest of your life; and what is the first thing you need to do?
Liz: I have to break up with Dennis.
Jack: And if you don't break up with him now?
Liz: He'll just keep showing up at work to sell beepers; we'll just get more and more tangled up in each other's lifes 'till I can't even get away and we're just like... [gasps] Oh, my God!
Jack: That's right! He's the Rat King. And there's only one way to break up with a rat, you have to cut him off completely
Liz: I know.
Jack: You have to stuff your heart with steel wool and tin foil. You must be ruthless, you must be absolute. Remember always you are the exterminator, say it!
Liz: I am the exterminator!
Jack: Say it like you mean it!
Liz: [louder] I am the exterminator!
Jack: Louder!
Liz: [shouting] I am the exterminator!
Jack: Okay, not that loud. People are trying to work around here.

[edit] Tracy Does Conan [1.7]

Liz: Why did you bump Jenna from Conan?
Jack: Because if I have a choice between an international movie star and a woman who does commercials for ShopRite…
Liz: No, no, no. Jenna doesn’t do those commercials anymore. She got fired.
Jack: I don’t do these things just to drive you crazy, Lemon. I do them for the good of the show.
Liz: Well, I’m the one who always has to clean up the mess afterwards.
Jack: That’s why my job is way better than yours.
Jack: Conan, Tracy’s really excited to be back on your show.
Conan: I don’t know. He’s kind of a loose cannon, and I like to surround myself with people who don’t try to stab me.
Jack: Well, Tracy’s feeling a lot better now. He’s under a doctor’s care.
Conan: That’s what they said about Hasselhoff, then he tried to make out with me during a commercial break.
Jack: Conan, this is important to me. So, we can either do this the easy way or the hard way.
Conan: What’s the hard way?
Jack: You do a live Christmas Eve special from Kabul every year until the War on Terror is won.
Conan: Tell Tracy I’ll see him tonight, you Black Irish bastard.
Jack: Back at you, red.
Tracy: I have to be charming on Conan tonight. This is my chance to redeem myself with mainstream America.
Toofer: Okay, well. Just tell us some things about your life, and we’ll try to punch it up and make it talk show-worthy.
Pete: Maybe something about you and your wife.
Tracy: Me and my wife like to play rape. She go in the bathroom and do her hair. Then, I’ll put on a ski mask…
Frank: Hey, uh, you got anything about being a dad? People eat that garbage up.
Tracy: I like to walk around my house naked, to remind my oldest son who’s still got the biggest ding-dong.
Pete: No
Tracy: Or I could tell the story of how I met Sharon Stone.
Pete: What was that?
Tracy: I was pooping in the ladies’ room at The Ivy…
Pete: No.
Tracy: I could talk about how the moon is a spy satellite put there by Oprah and Minister Farrakhan, and not the Minister Farrakhan you are thinking of.
[phone rings]
Dr. Spaceman: [answering phone] This is Dr. Leo Spaceman.
Liz: Hi, I work with Tracy Jordan, and I think he's having a reaction to some of the medication you've put him on.
Dr. Spaceman: I was afraid this might happen. You know, he's on so many different neuroleptics and tricyclics that there's no telling how they'll mix. But, what can you do? Medicine's not a science.
Liz: What exactly are you treating him for?
Dr. Spaceman: There's not really a name for what Tracy has. Basically, it's erratic tendencies and delusions brought on by excessive notoriety, and certainly not helped by my wildly experimental treatments. [Laughs] Boy, I'm being awfully open with you, Miss. I should not have taken those blue things.
Liz: So, is he dangerous?
Dr. Spaceman: No, he should be fine; so long as you keep him away from bright lights, loud music, and crowds. You know, I'll call in a prescription for something to settle him down as soon as possible. Do you need anything for yourself?
Liz: What? No! Just where can I pick up Tracy's prescription?
Kenneth: Miss Lemon, they need you upstairs in Mr. Donaghy's office immediately.
[Liz hangs up phone]
Liz: Kenneth, I need you to go to Rite-Drug, 46th and 8th. Pick up Tracy's medicine! Fast, okay!
Kenneth: Yes, sir!
[Kenneth runs off to pick up the medicine]
Liz: Why are you wearing a tux?
Jack: It's after six. What am I, a farmer?

[edit] The Break Up [1.8]

Tracy: I want to hold a mirror up to society and then win world record for biggest mirror.
Frank: He's totally right.
[Man walks up to Liz at the bar]
Gentleman:Excuse me, is this seat taken?
Liz: [Sighs] Really dude? I got to move my coat? There are like 4 empty seats over there - can't you just be cool?
[Man leaves]
Jenna: That guy wanted to buy you a drink!
Liz: Really? But I already have a drink. Do you think he'd buy me mozzarella sticks?
[Jack sees Dennis in the bathroom at work and they start talking. Jack talks about how hard dating is]
Jack: That's why I only date 20 year olds.
Dennis: Let me tell you about 20 year olds, half of them are 16.
[As Liz watches Dennis on Dateline NBC's "To Catch a Predator" in shock]
Chris Hansen: [confronts Dennis, who had gifts] What are you doing here?
Dennis: I'm here to boff some chick named Mary.
Chris Hansen: Boff some chick named Mary... do you know how old Mary is?
Dennis: 22... I think?
[Liz screams, now knowing that Dennis is a online sexual predator of teens]
Liz: OH MY GOD!
Dennis: [scrambles to turn off the TV] Oh crap! That girl said she was 16, but I swear to God I could tell she was 22!
Liz: [furious] Get OUT of my apartment!
Dennis: This happened while we were broken up!
Liz: Nonononono. I was right about you. This is a con, by the way. You on Dateline is a CON!

[edit] The Baby Show [1.9]

Liz: [waiting outside of Jack's office] How long is Jack going to be?
Jonathan: He's still on the phone. [looks at telephone] Area code 407? Oh no, when did this happen?!
Liz: 407, is that bad?
Jonathan: It's fine. It's going to be just fine!
Jack: [heard screaming inside his office] AHHHHHHHHH! [banging and crashing heard] Jonathan, these cheap phones keep on shattering!
Jonathan: [to Liz] You can go in now.
Liz: Noooo!
Jack: [opens door to his office and exits] Who let 407 through? Jonathan, we have drills for this!!!
Jonathan: Liz distracted me.
Liz: No I didn't! [to Jack] What's going on, business got ya down?
Jack: Business doesn't get me down, business gets me off.
Liz: So Cerie, how long have you known this guy that you're marrying?
Cerie: It'll be two months in three weeks. Oh, you'd love him Liz. He's so funny. He does this thing where he screams at limo drivers.
Liz: It just kinda seems like you're rushing into a bit.
Cerie: I guess but we both want to have babies while it's still cool. I already have all the names picked out. If it's a girl, Bookcase or Sandstorm or maybe Hat, but that's more of a boys name.
Liz: Yeah, I was gonna say. It's just, you're so young Cerie. There's no big hurry to have babies. I mean there are other things in life like having a career, and working..and having a job...and working...
Cerie: You can have a career anytime, but you only have a really short period where you can be a young hot mom. If you wait too long you could be like 50 at your kid's graduation.
Liz: 50's not that old Cerie!
Cerie: Oh I'm sorry are you 50 now?
Dr. Spaceman: [answering phone] This is Dr. Leo Spaceman.
Liz: [confused] Oh, hi. I'm sorry, I got this number under fertility in the Writers Guild Health Manual?
Dr. Spaceman: I'm also listed under meth addiction and child psychiatry. So, what can I help you with? I should start by saying that I can't personally help you conceive. Something happened to me while scuba diving.
[Liz looks at her phone, grossed out, and hangs up.]
Tracy: This is untoward! This is not "toward!"
Liz: [to Josh] You better fix this nerd. Otherwise Jack Donaghy is gonna kill me, then he's gonna kill you, then he's gonna fold us up in a pizza and eat us.
Bobby (crew guy): Hey Liz, I hear you're looking for a hook up.
Liz: Ya know what! Everybody stop working right now. I don't want to have sex with any of you. I have plenty of time to have a baby and I am not looking for sperm donors!
Bobby: Ok, but do you still want a sound hook up so you can listen to rehearsal?
Jack: Lemon we have a problem.
Liz: I have this whole Tracy-Josh thing under control.
Jack: What are you talking about?
Liz: Nothing. What are you talking about?
Jack: You. You yelling at the crew. You trolling for seed.
Liz: It's a big misunderstanding. Jenna thinks I want to have a baby.
Jack: I should have known this was going to be a problem when I decided to mentor a woman.
Liz: No, in fact what I said was, my body is trying to make me think that I want to have a baby but my body is not the boss of me, my brain is!
Jack: Alright, if you insist on going all Murphy Brown on me, let me give you a tip. Don't smother your child to compensate for not having a man in your life. Don't say "You're the only man I'll ever love," even babies know that's creepy.
Liz: Of course.
Jack: Don't put little notes in their lunch bag that say "Mommy's watching you," people find those things.
Liz: I bet you behaved yourself though.
Jack: If your child is a terrific hockey player and a gifted flautist, don't make them play the national anthem on the flute in front of their teammates.
Liz: Your mother did that?!
Jack: Now she wants to move in with me. I can't have that Lemon.
Liz: Then be an adult and call her and say you love her very much but that living together is not going to work for you.
Jack: Oh no, you don't know my mother. This is a woman that actually had a heart attack to prevent me from going on my honeymoon.
Liz: Maybe her heart broke cause she spent 20 years raising you and you're a total ingrate.
Jack: That's exactly what she said.

[edit] The Rural Juror [1.10]

Tracy: I need sixty-thousand dollars, or I'm gonna lose my house.
Jack: Which house?
[Tracy is thinking to himself]
Tracy: I need a hundred-thousand dollars, or I'm gonna lose both my houses.
Jack: Tracy, I don't understand. You've starred in fourteen films; you don't have any money saved?
Tracy: No, I lost all of it.
Jack: Really? Who's your money manager?
Tracy: [pointing to Grizz behind him] Grizz.
Grizz: Worldcom, man. Worldcom.
Jack: Look, Tracy, I can't just give you money. But what I can do is show you how you can earn all the money you need.
Jack: You must know Arsenio.
Tracy: Hall or Billingham?
Jack: You know someone named Arsenio Billingham?
Tracy: No.
Jenna: Hey, I've gotta miss an hour of rehearsal today 'cause I just found out from my publicist, I've been booked on The View.
Pete: Oh, Jenna, that's great. For the first time in your life, you'll be in a room full of women and you'll be the least crazy one.
Jenna: [excited] Yea, I know.
Tracy: So GE will produce the Tracey Jordan Meat Machine?
Jack: Oh no, no. GE could never make something, so, unique. We'll have to pass this off to one of our subsidiaries. [Jack rolls down a complex organizational chart] You see, GE owns KitchenAll of Colorado, which in turn owns JMI of Stamford which is a majority shareholder of Pokerfastlane.com which recently acquired the Sheinhardt Wig Company which owns NBC outright. NBC owns Winnipeg Iron Works which owns the AHP Chanagi Party Meats company of Pyongyang, North Korea and they will make the Meat Machine.
Tracy:You know what, I'm gonna make you a mix tape. You like Phil Collins?
Jack: I've got two ears and a heart don't I?
Dr. Spaceman: [looking at an X-ray] Where are my car keys?
[Jack and Tracy enter his office.]
Dr. Spaceman: Jack! Tracy! What can I do for you?
Jack: We have a product we want you to give a medical endorsement to.
Dr. Spaceman: [excitedly] I'll do it! What is it?
Jack: It's called the Tracy Jordan Meat Machine. It's a dual-press grill.
Dr. Spaceman: Say no more. If it's giving people meat, then I'm on board. I've always said humans need more animal blood. It keeps their spine straight.
Jack: We appreciate it, Leo.
Dr. Spaceman: You boys need anything while you're here? [Spaceman is holding bottles of pills] Some reds? Some yellows? Just got some purples in from Peru.
Tracy: No, I'm good.
Jack: It would be rude not to take one or two.

[edit] The Head and the Hair [1.11]

Jack: I wanted to talk to you about our corporate "Bottoms-Up Day". Once a year all the senior V.P.s spend one day doing the job of one of our lowest level employees. This year I'll be a page for a day and you'll be my boss.
Kenneth: Thank you sir!
Jack: That's how the "Bottoms-Up" program works. I'm going to be your bottom, Kenneth, and I want you to ride me as hard as you can.
Jack: Here is your salad, and your change.
Josh: Oh, no. Dude is this spinach?
Jack: Yes, you asked for a spinach salad.
Josh: No I like the stuff that comes on the spinach salad, but I wanted it with romaine.
Jack: So you want me to take it back?
Josh: Supposed to treat you like Kenneth, right?
Jack: Yes.
Josh: Well then yeah genius!! Get me a new salad! Or get me a time machine so I can go back in time and smack your mom for smokin' crack while she's pregnant! Too much?
Kenneth: No that's usually how it goes.
Jack: Good god, what does that man do in here?!
Kenneth: I don't know, I've never meet Brian Williams. But his dressing room has to be cleaned up everyday between 11:00 and 11:30. That way by the time Mr. Williams gets back from the liquor store, it's nice and tidy.
Liz: Ok what's your game friend?!
Gray (The Hair): Game? There's no game. What are you talking about?
Liz: I don't have any money if that's what you're after. And I'm not one of those girls that does weird stuff in bed because they think they have to. If you're a gay guy looking for a beard, I don't do that anymore. And if you're trying to harvest my organs and sell them, I have an uncle who's a cop so don't even try it.
Jack: When I was your age, I was putting myself through college in Boston paddling swan boats for the tourists.
Kenneth: Is that a euphemism for some kind of sex worker?

[edit] Black Tie [1.12]

Liz: You've already made up your mind about this, haven't you?
Jenna: Oh, you're right, Liz! I should go for it!
Liz: You're not even listening, are you? Poop. Monkey butt.
Jenna: No, you're a good friend and thank you.
Jack: I had "lunch" with Martha Stewart and "dinner" with her daughter Alexis Stewart.
Liz: Gross.
Jack: Lemon, I want to thank you. For showing me that I could have a pleasant evening with a woman my age.
Liz: I'm twelve years younger than you.
Jack: A woman your age then.
Bianca: Congratulations John, she's much sharper than the other girl you had. What was her name?
Jack: Beyonce.
Jenna: You're 25?!
Gerhardt: Yes! Can you believe it? Finally, old enough to rent a car! AAAAAAACK! AAAAAAACK! Ohh... it feels so good to laugh.

[edit] Up All Night [1.13]

Jack: I mean one minute you're newlyweds making love on the floor of the Concorde, and the next your lawyers are fighting over who gets to keep the box your dog defecates in.
Liz: You taught your dog to poop in a box?
Jack: Bianca did, but I want that box.
Jack: I want back all the jewelry I ever bought you.
Bianca: Fine.
Jack: I want the art supplies I gave you on your fortieth birthday and any subsequent art projects you made with them.
Bianca: Fine.
Jack: I want all of our love letters.
Bianca: [laughing] Fine.
Jack: I want all of your parents' love letters.
Bianca: Fine.
Jack: I want full stake in the Arby's franchise we bought outside of Telluride.
Bianca: Oh, dammit Johnny, you know I love my Big Beef and Cheddar.
Liz: [on the phone] Hi my name is Liz Lemon and I received flowers from your shop tonight and I can't tell who they're from. [pause] No, no, I did read the card but it's not signed.... no, I'm not with so many men that it's impossible for me to guess...well, that is just...oh, well you know what, I found the card, actually, they're from your mom, so tell your gay mom I said thanks!
[hangs up]
Tracy: Hells yes Liz Lemon. And I had plans. Me and Angie rented the penthouse at the SoHo Grand where we will drink wine and pleasure each other.
Josh: Cerie said she would do it with you.
Kenneth: Well that just makes me perspire.

[edit] The "C" Word [1.14]

Tracy: [to Jack] Is this about that little red-headed intern? Cuz she asked me to take it out.
Jack: I've asked Tracy to join me at G.E. Golf tournament in Connecticut.
Liz: Was Courtney Love not available?
Tracy: This is what I do. I drop "truth bombs".
Jack: What are you doing?
Tracy: Payback. The way you treated me. You used me.
Jack: God, its like dating Katie Couric all over again. I didn't use you. I created a situation that could have been mutually beneficial and you blew it.
Kenneth: I just don't want to disgrace the peacock.
Pete: Aww, Kenneth. If you're worried about disgracing the National Broadcasting Company, you're too late.

[edit] Hard Ball [1.15]

Tracy: I love this cornbread so much, I want to take it behind a middle school, and get it pregnant.
Kenneth: [whimsically] Pregnant cornbread...
Jack: Lemon, I would like to teach you something. I would like to be Michelle Pfeiffer to your angry black kid who learns that poetry is just another way to rap.
Liz: No, Jack. I don't want to learn about negotiation. I just want Josh to stay. The show needs him.
Jack: Lesson number one: you don't need anyone. Sure, Josh tests well with female viewers twelve to twenty-four, which is important to advertisers because young women will buy just about anything.
[cut to Cerie]
Cerie: These sunglasses have a chip in them that makes the lenses change color as my iPod loses power!
Liz: Why did you tell the reporter that you hate the troops?
Jenna: What? I didn't say I hate the troops.
[flashback; loud music drowns out dialogue]
Reporter: [subtitled] You know, we have a huge readership in the armed forces--!
Jenna: [subtitled] What?
Reporter: [subtitled] Do you have anything you want to say to our beleaguered troops?!
Jenna: [subtitled] Theatre troupes?!
Reporter: [subtitled] Yeah, the, uh, troops!
Jenna: [subtitled] Ugh, I hate theatre troupes! They think what they do is so important!
[return to present]
Liz: [reading] "...but it's just a bunch of gay guys that like to get in silly costumes and prance around."
Dot Com: Yo, Kenneth, we need to talk now.
Kenneth: Oh, I've had this conversation before. You're marrying my mom, aren't you?
Jenna: Second of all, if the president is so serious about the war on terror, why doesn't he hunt down and capture Barack Obama before he strikes again?

[edit] The Source Awards [1.16]

Kenneth: Mr. Jordan, I have a message for you from a Mr. Ridikolus.
Frank: Ridikolus, the hip-hop producer. Isn't that the guy that bit Suge Knight?
Tracy: Yeah, yeah. He bit Suge Knight. Held Raven-Symoné over a balcony, made Rasheed Wallace cry. Dude is crazy. I don't want him calling me.
Kenneth: Oh, he didn't call, Mr. Jordan. He gave me the message after I wouldn't let him into your party the other night.
Tracy: What?!

[flashback to party]

Ridikolus: [talking on cell phone] I'll call you when I get inside.
Kenneth: I'm sorry, this is a private party.
Ridikolus: Hold on. [to Kenneth] We're with Tracy Jordan.
Kenneth: And Mr. Jordan himself said, "Don't let no one in who's not on the list, 'cause this mess is gonna get raw like sushi." [pleasantly] So haters to the left.
Ridikolus: What's your game, man?
Kenneth: [smiling, flattered to be asked] Boggle.
Ridikolus: You know what? You tell Tracy Jordan that Ridikolus...
[wipe back to the present]
Kenneth: "...is gonna eat his family."
Tracy: If you get rich off this stuff, just take care of my family. I don't want my kids to have to go to college.
Liz: I truly don't like you as a person. [inspirational music starts playing] Can't one human being not like another human being? Can't we all just not get along?
Steven: Liz, I wish it could be like that...and maybe someday our children or our children's children will hate each other like that, but it just doesn't work that way today.
Liz: So what you're saying is that any woman that doesn't like you is a racist.
Steven: No, no, no, no, no. [music stops] Some women are gay.
Tracy: Who else is gonna be at this thing?
Jack: Well, you're going to be sharing the stage with Nas...
Tracy: No! He hates me! We used to date the same girl.
Jack: What about Young Jeezy?
Tracy: Forget about it. I called his pitbull a gaywad on 106th and Park.
Liz: That would do it.
Jack: The Game?
Tracy: Nope.
Jack: T.I.?
Tracy: Ain't nothin' happenin'.
Jack: Superhead?
Tracy: No can do.
Jack: Fabolous?
Tracy: Won't do.
Jack: Ridonkey Kong?
Tracy: No!
Jack: MC Skat Kat?
Tracy: What?!
Jack: Harmonculous?
Tracy: Mnh-mnh!
Jack: Raw Dog?
Tracy: Hell no! Me and his beef go way back. We were both cast members on a Nickelodeon show called "Ray-Ray's Mystery Garage."
[flashback to Ray-Ray's Mystery Garage]
Young Raw Dog: Hey, chump, you scuffed my sneakers! Dr. J wears these!
Young Tracy: I'm sorry, man. I'm pretty drunk.
Young Raw Dog: Know what? Imma eat your family!
Jack: Tracy, if it'll make you feel any more comfortable, I'd be happy to loan you a handgun.
Liz: What?!
Jack: Oh, Mother, I forgot you were there.
Liz: No, he's not taking a gun. Tracy, just tell them you can't go.
Tracy: If I don't go, Ridikolus is gonna kill me. If I do go, someone else is gonna kill me. See? It's a Catch-22. Awww! He's gonna be there too.

[edit] The Fighting Irish [1.17]

[Liz has to fire ten percent of her staff]
Jack: Now, there are a hundred and forty people on this show so go out there and make one hundred and twenty-six people very happy.
Tracy: Hey Liz Lemon, you know where I can find a good church?
Liz: Like Judaism good, or just like Unitarian?
Tracy: My attorney told me I should join a church preemptively 'cause juries are suspicious of celebrities who find religion after getting into trouble.
Liz: Why don't you try the Church of Practicolgy? They love movie stars and stuff.
Tracy: They already turned me down. I'm still not sure what happened.
[flashback]
Tracy: [at the Church of Practicology with electrodes attached to his head] I believe the moon doesn't exist. I believe that vampires are the world's greatest golfers but their curse is that they'll never get to prove it! I believe there are 31 letters in the white alphabet. Well...what was the question again?
[back in present]
Tracy: So what's your religion Liz Lemon?
Liz: I pretty much just do whatever Oprah tells me to.
Tracy: What kind of Presbyterian is this?
Kenneth: No, we're the Eighth Day Resurrected Covenant of the Holy Trinity. We haven't been Presbyterian for months.
Tracy: And y'all always meet on Wednesday nights?
Kenneth: Yeah we lose half the congregation every time American Idol starts up.
Pete: Good Lord, your eyes! You look like that lady astronaut who tried kidnap that other woman.
Liz: Hey, that was a lady with a plan. Diapers, mace, Houston to Orlando in nine hours -- blammo!
Jack: You are both a disgrace to the Donaghy name!
Jack's Dad: It's pronounced "Don-a-fee," you lace-curtain half-an-Englishman!
Jack: When I think of all the things that I've been holding inside me that I wanted to say to you... [raises fists] Well now I'm gonna let "Saint Patrick" and "Saint Michael" DO MY TALKING FOR ME!
Jack's Dad: [raises fists] You'll have to get through "Tip O'Neill" and "Bobby Sands" first!
Eddie Donaghy: You call those fist names?! [raises fists] Say hello to "Bono" and "Sandra Day O'Connor!"
Jack: Those are the stupidest fist names I've ever heard.

[edit] Fireworks [1.18]

Jack: I want you on this Lemon. Those jokes you wrote for me for my Mitt Romney fund raiser were top notch.
Liz: Those weren't jokes. That was an appeal for a return to common sense and decency.
Jack: Well they got big laughs.
Kenneth: So Mr. Donaghy what can I do for you?
Jack: I heard you were talking to my colleague Devon Banks. Did he tell you why he was in New York?
Kenneth: No sir, we just talked about Anderson Cooper mostly.
Jack: You should get to know Devon, tell him all of your television ideas. You know he started off as page just like you.
Kenneth: Really? So did I!
Jack: You say the right things, ask him the right questions, I'm sure he could open some doors for you.
Kenneth: Ok. What kinds of questions?
Jack: I'll write them down for you. You call him and tell him you have two tickets for A Chorus Line for tonight. Now Kenneth, have you ever used bronzer?
[Kenneth shrugs]
Jack: Devon, what can I do for you?
Devon: I think we're way past that Jack. Let's be honest with each other. I'll go first. I'm gay and I want your job.
Jack: Devon, I'm straighter than you are gay, and I leave particles of guys like you in my wind. I'm not afraid of you.
Devon: Yeah? Well you should be.
Jack: Let's just see how it all shakes out in the meeting.
Devon: Yeah, let's... Oh, by the way, little slim-waisted birdie in a page jacket told me you got nothing! You're going down.
Jack: No, Devon. I don't do that.
Tracy: Doctor Spaceman, when they check my DNA, will they tell me what diseases I might get, or help me to remember my ATM pincode?
Dr. Spaceman: Absolutely. Science is whatever we want it to be. I'll let you know as soon as we have the results.
Tracy: I already know the results, the kid is not mine!
Dr. Spaceman: Boy it's crazy to think we used to settle questions of paternity by dunking a woman in water until she admitted she made it all up. Different time, the sixties.
Liz: Hi. I'm really sorry about what I did, and I know that you can't forgive me, but just to even things out, here's all my weird secret stuff. I have been sexually rejected by not one, but two guys who later went to clown college. I get super nervous whenever I hear a vacuum cleaner because when I was a kid my mom used to turn on the vacuum to drown out the sound of her and my dad fighting, which is why I rarely vacuum my apartment, like never. I have had three donuts so far today. Once in college, I pooped my pants a little bit at a Country Steaks all-you-can-eat buffet and I didn't leave until I finished my second plate of shrimp. A couple months ago, I went on a date with my cousin. Wow... I am a mess. There is an 80% chance in the next election that I will tell all my friends that I'm voting for Barack Obama but I will secretly vote for John McCain. Here's one, when I was a kid I used to put on my fanciest nightgown and then I would mix orange soda and cream soda in a champagne glass and sit in the dark and watch The Love Boat. Consequently, I have some weird sexual fantasy stuff about Gopher from The Love Boat. And I lied, I have had five donuts today. So that's my deal, now we're even.

[edit] Corporate Crush [1.19]

Don Geiss: Well you gotta try. As my old man always said, "If you try, you win." And he was a hell of a garbageman.
Liz: Jack goes to Sbarro when he's angry, the New York Stock Exchange when he's horny, and Christie's auction house when he's depressed.
[Liz enters a room and stands behind Jack]
Jack: You've been avoiding me, Lemon.
Liz: How do you do that without turning around?
Jack: To be perfectly honest, the first couple of people I did that to were not you, but...here we are.
Jack: I'm not a creative type like you, with your work sneakers and left-handedness.
Tracy: [as Jefferson finishing the Declaration of Independence] Eat that, King George!

[edit] Cleveland [1.20]

Tracy: The Black Crusaders are a secret group of powerful Black Americans. Bill Cosby and Oprah Winfrey are the chief majors, but Jesse Jackson, Colin Powell and Gordon from Sesame Street; they're members, too and they meet four times a year in the skull of the Statue of Liberty. You can read about that on the Interweb.
Liz: [sarcastic] Ah, well, it must be true if it's on the "interweb".
Jenna: Wow, how Sex and the City are we right now? I'm Samantha, [points at Phoebe] you're Charlotte and [points at Liz] you're the lady at home who watches it.
Phoebe: You know how John Lennon was better then all the rest of the Beatles but he never realized it until he met Yoko? Well I'm gonna be Jack's Yoko!
Liz: You want to be Yoko?!
Floyd: If the whole world moved to their favorite vacation spots, then the whole world would live in Hawaii and Italy and Cleveland.

[edit] Hiatus [1.21]

[Tracy is missing]
Pete: Oh, I hope he's okay.
Liz: I hope he's taking his medication.
Kenneth: And I hope he take a jacket, 'cause it can get real chilly there.
[everyone looks at Kenneth]
Jesse: It was so funny, I nearly wet m' other pair of underpants!
Colleen: Well, well, well, well, well, this must be the one, huh? Phoebe! Welcome.
Jack: No, no.
Liz: No, I--
Colleen: Welcome, welcome, welcome!
Jack: Mother, mother! This is not Phoebe.
Liz: No.
Colleen: This is not Phoebe?
[Jack shakes his head]
Colleen: Well, why the hell not? I mean, she's perfect. Character, she got strength of character...and I tell you someting else; she's got a good, solid...baby bucket.
Liz: You are a sassy old broad, aren't you?
[Phoebe enters]
Phoebe: Hello.
Jack: Uh, Mother, this is Phoebe. Phoebe, this is my mother.
Phoebe: [patronizingly] Hello, Mother Donaghy, I'm Phoebe! It's such a pleasure to meet you. I love your little hat.
[Colleen stares disapprovingly at her]
Colleen: Oh, my God...
Colleen: [referring to Phoebe] All right, scout's honor, what do you think of her?
[Jack gives Liz a look]
Liz: She's very well-read...and she's very stylish, don't you think? And you know the most important thing is she makes Jack very happy. She's like a... White Geisha.
Colleen: Tell him his mother's here! ...And she loves him! ...But not in a queer way!

[edit] Season 2

[edit] Seinfeld Vision [2.1]

Jack: All of my summer replacement shows were big hits - America's Next Top Pirate, Are You Stronger Than A Dog, MILF Island.
Liz: MILF Island?
Jack: 25 super hot moms, 50 eighth grade boys, no rules.
Liz: Oh yeah, didn't one of those women turn out to be a prostitute?
Jack: That doesn't mean she's not a wonderful, caring MILF.
[Tracy explaining why he frequents transvestite prostitutes in order to "give them money for computer class"]
Tracy: You can be a freaky-deeky and do data entry!
Liz: Sure.
Tracy: Or how about court reporting?
Jack: Lemon, women your age are more likely to get mauled at the zoo than get married.
Jack: [to Liz, after noticing Jenna's weight gain] She needs to lose thirty pounds or gain sixty. Anything in between has no place on television.
Seinfeld sees Liz in a wedding dress.]
Seinfeld: Well, well, well, so, you finally called that boyfriend.
Liz: Yes, I did.
Seinfeld: And it went well?
Liz: No, it didn't Jer, a woman answered.
Seinfeld: Another woman already? What did you say to her?
Liz: I did a fake survey.
Seinfeld: You did the fake survey!?
Liz: [Crying] I know, I'm not over it and now I'm wearing this. [Similar to the way Seinfeld says it] What is the deal with my life!?
Seinfeld: Are you imitating me!?
Liz: No, this is what I sound like when I cry!
Seinfeld: I think I'm a little insulted.
Liz: You're insulted!? I'm crying!
Tracy: [upon seeing Liz in a wedding dress] Oh, no! Did a Korean person die?

[edit] Jack Gets in the Game [2.2]

Jenna: I'm on a crash diet to get back to my old weight by Friday.
Liz: Well, what diet is going to do that?
Jenna: Oh, it's the Japanese porn star diet. I only eat paper, but I can eat all the paper I

want, so...

Dr. Spaceman: Now Jenna, medically speaking for your height your weight puts you what we call the "disgusting" range. Fortunately there are solutions. For Example, crystal meth has been shown to be very effective. How important is tooth retention to you?
Jenna: It's pretty important.
Tracy: Oh check this out! My key to the city of Gary, Indiana. Mmmm, look at this! My gold record from my novelty party song!
["Werewolf Bar Mitzvah" Music video]
Tracy: [Singing, dressed up as a werewolf] Werewolf bar mitzvah, spooky scary.
Boys becoming men, men becoming wolves.
Kenneth: I like your top. I'm a real good sex person. I do it all the different ways.
Angie: Uh-huh. Well, I don't have a husband any more, so... you can come over anytime.
Kenneth: Oh, I will! I'll come over at night.
Jack: Winthrop here wrestled at Yale.
Devon: With other dudes, or...?
Jack: Banks here says he can pin you.
[Devon is tackled by a young friend of Jack named Winthrop.]
Devon: You're so strong! Oh God! You're having your way with me! Your back is like a barrel of snakes.

[edit] The Collection [2.3]

Tracy: Hey Liz Lemon. I've been reading the newspaper to come up with some ideas for some topical sketches. So this week can we do 'Business Section'?
Tracy: I feel bad about doing this to you Liz Lemon, I really do, and the only way I can feel better about myself is to get boobies slapped in my face by a coked-out Russian stripper [claps hands together] I'm out.
Dot Com: [coming up with sketch ideas] We open on a lone soldier, walking through the desert. The year 1861, the place...Mars.
Liz: What's with the cookie jar?
Jack: I collect them.
Liz: Really? Is that some sort of unresolved childhood thing?
Jack: Nice try. Ah, we never had any cookie jars in my home because my mother never baked us any cookies because she never felt we deserved any cookies, so obviously it has nothing to do with my childhood.
Liz: But that cookie jar says 'MOM' on it.
Jack: I don't think so. I've always viewed it as an upside down 'WOW'.
Jack: I think Angie is right-handed so you have to work her clockwise.
Liz: Wait, you've already thought about fighting her?
Jack: Every time I meet a new person I figure out how I'll fight them. You have a gimpy right knee, right?

[edit] Rosemary's Baby [2.4]

Jack: So what are you gonna do with your money? Put it into a 401K?
Liz: Yeah, I gotta get one of those.
Jack: What?! Where do you invest your money Liz?
Liz: I've got like 12 grand in checking.
Jack: Are you an immigrant?
Jack: You got to get into therapy.
Tracy: I don't need therapy. I'm just mentally ill.
Jack: Tracy, what if I told you the only thing you couldn't do was therapy?!
Tracy: You're not my dad! We're doing therapy!
Liz: This is my show!!!
Jack: No, this is my show and once a week I rent it out to the good people of the erectile dysfunction companies.
[Tracy is in therapy and is told to pretend that Jack Donaghy is his father]
Tracy: I'm mad at you, Dad.
Jack: [imitating Redd Foxx] Hey, dummy, I'm mad at you too! Why ya gotta act up that way?!
Therapist: Um, t-that's not exactly what I had in mind.
Tracy: Cuz you left me, Dad!
Jack: I was young and confused and your moms didn't want me around no more. Now pass me them damn collared greens!
Tracy: Is this true, Mom?! [Motions for Jack to move to another chair]
Jack: [imitating black woman] He gambled away my welfare check. [imitating Foxx] Woman, I got a mind to slap you upside the head!
Therapist: Uh, this is not helpful.
Tracy: Be me now!
Jack: [imitating Tracy] I only act out because I want your loovvveee! DY-NO-MITE!
Therapist: I think we're just doing Good Times now.
Tracy: Now do the white dude that my moms left my dad for.
Jack: [imitating uptight white male] Now see here, Tracy, it's impolite to slurp one's soup.
Tracy: Whoa, no need to resort to ugly stereotypes.
Jack: [imitating Foxx] You're always gonna be my son. [imitating black woman] Tracy, just because I stopped loving yo' Dad doesn't mean we stopped loving you. [imitating Foxx] Stop putting words in my mouth, woman! [imitating Hispanic woman] ¡Oye papi, callate! Peeple are sleeeping! [imitating Foxx] Mind your own damn business, Mrs. Rodriguez.
Therapist: Al-alright. This is ridiculous.
Jack: [imitating Foxx] Lady, just because I'm an ignorant black man and you people give me a nickel to bust up your chifforobe, doesn't give you the right to call me ridiculous just because I'm proud of my son. [pretends to get shot] T-they got me, the honkies shot me! [falls over "dead"]
Tracy: No, Dad! Don't die! I love you Dad! I don't wanna dogfight no more!
Jack: [normal voice] Tracy that's it! That's it!
Tracy: [to therapist] Thank you for showing me there really is love in my family after all. And I need to stay the hell away from them. [to Jack] Donaghy, you're the only family I need, Jackie D.
Jack: You got that right, Tre. You know it's too bad you didn't know Howard Cosell when you were growing up because I had that one in my pocket the whole time.
Liz: I need to do that thing that rich people do where they turn money into more money. Can you teach me how to do that?
Jack: With my eyes closed.

[edit] Greenzo [2.5]

Jack: Look how Greenzo's testing! They love him in every demographic - colored people, broads, fairies, commies. Gosh we gotta update these forms.
Jack: [to Kenneth about his upcoming party] Ah no, I could make up some excuse Kenneth but I have too much respect for you; during your party I'll be home listening to some Schubert, and ironically, viewing some Canadian pornography.
Greenzo: Hey, did you leave your computer on all night?
Liz: Yeah, it just takes a really long time to reboot in the morning.
Greenzo: Huh. Hey, you - you know what else takes a long time? Building a new Earth!
Greenzo: [to Liz] Ya know what you people make me sick! You act like you care but you do nothing. Do you even bother to compost your own feces?
Frank: Hey, did you hear about Kenneth's insane party? T.I.'s gonna be there!
Tracy: I am surprised to hear that, because that is new information. [winks at Liz]
Frank: Yeah, and he's gonna perform.
Tracy: He is?
Frank: Yeah, and Fall Out Boy will be there too!
Tracy: Huh?
Frank: And there's gonna be foxy boxing.
Tracy: Foxy boxing! I love foxy boxing! It combines my two favorite things; boxing... and referees. I got to get into that party, man! [picks up cell phone] Get me Harvey Lemmings!
Liz: Dummy! First of all, you didn't dial that cell phone. Second of all, that is your own rumor! People are gonna show up expecting all this great stuff and they're gonna be disappointed and angry.
Tracy: Just like Colonial Williamsburg.

[edit] Somebody To Love [2.6]

Jack: Don't panic, Lemon, it's probably not a chemical attack.
Liz: What do you mean "probably"?
Jack: It's probably just a strange wind pattern coming off those factories on Staten Island where food flavors are made. I don't think it's northrax.
Liz: What's northrax?
Jack: It's a chemical agent we sold to the Saudis in the 1980s that smells exactlly like maple syrup. But I don't think this is it.
Liz: Well, how do you know?
Jack: Because northrax kills you within 10 seconds.
[pause, several seconds]
Jack: Ok, I'll talk to you tomorrow.
Liz: Didn't you just get your haircut two days ago?
Jack: I get my haircut every two days. After all, your hair is your head suit.
Jack: I'm going to a party tonight honoring Robert Novak. It's being thrown by John McCain and Jack Bauer.
Liz: Um, I don't think he's real.
Jack: I assure you, Lemon, John McCain is very real.
C.C.: I'm working out of the Clinton offices for a few weeks. I'm helping Hillary retool her Universal Healthcare platform.
Jack: God, I want to kiss you on the mouth to stop you from saying such ridiculous things.
Tracy: Tell her that you want your privates and her privates to do a high-five.

[edit] Cougars [2.7]

Jack: Big night, Lemon? Let me guess, meatball sub, extra bread, bottle of NyQuil, Tivo Top Chef, a little Miss Bonnie Raitt, lights out.
Liz: No, I have something to do tonight Jack.
Jack: Then you won't mind when I tell you that [whispering] Casey gets voted off tonight.
Liz: You monster! Why are you like this?
Liz: I can't believe I did that. I told myself I would never lie about my age.
Jenna: These things happen Liz. I had my 'No Sex with Asians' rule but then one day you walk into Sharper Image and there's Kwon.
Liz: Forget it. I'm going to order some more coffee and then he'll come back and I can cancel.
Jenna: No, this is a good thing! A hot guy thinks you're 29!
Liz: Ahh, he is cute! He looks like Zac Efron. That's a thing, right?
Jenna: Oh go for it Liz! I always roll with it when hot guys think I'm 22. What can we do, we're cougars.
Liz: We're what?
Jenna: Cougars - hot older ladies pouncing on their young prey.
Liz: [grossed out] Ehh.
Jenna: There was a whole article about it in Vanity Fair, the one with the 'Crisis in Africa' cover. God it makes me so sad more people don't know about cougars.
Liz: Why am I looking for something to wear in wardrobe?
Jenna: Why don't you go to Abercrombie and Fitch.
Liz: No! It's too loud in there.
Jenna: No, don't say that. Cougars have to act young. You should get a ring pop to suck on.
Jack: Lemon, what happened? Did you take an Ambien with your Franzia and sleep walk here?
Liz: I'm 37, please don't make me go to Brooklyn.
Jaime: I'm 20.
Liz: Oh boy. This just went from a senior dating a freshman to Mary Kay Letourneau and Vili Fualaau.
Jaime: Are those friends of yours?
Jaime: Look at us, we look awesome together.
Liz: Yeah. Now I know why Demi Moore does this.
Jaime: I get that reference!

[edit] Secrets and Lies [2.8]

Tracy: I do not want to disappoint our Japanese public, especially Godzilla. Hahaha! I'm just kidding, I know he doesn't care what humans do.
Jack: C.C. what are you doing here?
C.C.: Jack, I convinced the Sheinhart Wig plaintiffs to settle!
Jack: That's fantastic news! What did they end up getting?
C.C.: $5 million each.
Jack: $5 million...each? That's NBA sexual assault money!
Jack: I like when a woman has ambition. It's like seeing a dog wearing clothes.
Liz: [storming into Jenna's dressing room] Is this fun for you?! Being difficult?!
Jenna: Oh, it is. I should have been doing it the whole time.
Liz: You have been Jenna! You have always been difficult! You think Tracy gets special treatment?
Jenna: I don't think; I know.
Liz: Yeah well, I coddle the crap out of you too! Your online fan club, that's me. I made Frank set that up as a punishment after he farted in my chair. And when you did that morning radio show the other week, every caller was me.
[flashback]
Liz: [bad Indian accent] I am loving all of your characters.
Jenna: Thanks for calling Sanjay! I really believe in karma.
[back to present]
Liz: And this award you got...[picks up Jenna's award] it's a cookie! [takes bite out of cookie]
Patrice: [flaming gay guy who is a member of Jenna's entourage] Whooooo! Crunch!
Liz: [with mouth full of cookie] I don't want to do this stuff but I have to because you're so insecure you get jealous of babies for their soft skin!
Jenna: And how much attention they get.
Liz: I have lost years of my life taking care of you. I lie awake at night wondering what fresh hell tomorrow will bring. I don't sleep, I don't eat right...thanks to you and Tracy Jordan; mostly you.
Jenna: Oh Liz, that's all I wanted to hear!
Jack: She is my lover. That's right. She's my liberal, hippy-dippy mama; my groovy chick; my old lady. She was our chief adversary during the Sheinhart Wig hearings. She wants to tax us all to death and make it legal for a man to marry his own dog. But I think what we have is special, and I'm proud of her. And I'm not going to hide it any longer. I'm Jack Donaghy, damn it! And this is my woman.
[Others begin confessing their secrets.]
Man #1: I gave to NPR last year.
Woman: My children go to public school.
Man #2: I'm gay.
Man #3: I'm black.
C.C.: Jack, thank you so much. And I just wanted you to know that in 1984 I voted for Ronald Reagan.
Man #4: I murdered my wife.

[edit] Ludachristmas [2.9]

Frank: I'd like to make an announcement. I just want to say that I'm really sorry for whatever I'm going to do at the party tonight and I forgive all of you in advance for leaving me passed out by the elevator in my own gravy. Merry Ludachristmas everyone!
Jack: Big plans for the holidays?
Liz: Yeah! My parents are coming with my brother and we're going to go see Jersey Boys on Broadway and we're going to go to that restaurant where they pretend it's Mars.
Jack: God you must be a ball of anxiety right now.
Liz: No, I'm really excited.
Jack: What are you trying to say Lemon, your family's perfect and you never fight?
Liz: No I remember them arguing a lot during the gas crisis of '79 but since Carter left office its been pretty smooth sailing.
Jack: You got that right.
Liz: So is your mom coming up from Florida?
Jack: No, I invited her out of my paralyzing Irish guilt but her plane was grounded because of Hurricane Zapato.
Jack: What did your mother mean when she said you were a beautiful genius? Was she taunting you?
Liz: No they're just super supportive. They've always been like that, even when I sued the Lower White Haven school district to let girls play football.
[flashback]
Liz: [in full uniform on football team, completely muffs kick which is recovered by the opposing team] Yeah feminism!!!
[end flashback]
Liz: We didn't make the playoffs that year but I think we lead the league in bravery.
Jack: My god, I've never seen such relentless blind encouragement. No wonder you're a sexually frightened know-it-all.
Tracy: [regarding his ankle bracelet alcohol monitoring device] Maybe I’ll just compromise - go the party, cut off my foot and drink all I want!
Liz: [to Jack] C'mon, you can talk to Mitch about President Reagan.
Jack: Oh, in his mind Reagan is still president. [to Mitch] You lucky bastard!

[edit] Episode 210 [2.10]

[discussing buying real estate with Jenna]
Liz: Even Frank has that chicken ranch in Nevada. He thought it was a whore house.
Kenneth: I don't drink hot liquids of any kind. That's the Devil's temperature!
Tracy: Regret is for horseshoes and handbags.
Kenneth: [Talking about coffee] I love how it makes me feel. It's like my heart is trying to hug my brain!
Jack: I'll just tell Don Geiss that I let a subordinate with an unaccredited theater-tech degree do a billion dollar handshake deal while my girlfriend and I showered together at a Red Roof Inn.
Tracy: Ken, this is New York. The Big Easy! Live a little! Boundaries were made to be broken. That's why my wife and I stopped using a "safe" word.

[edit] MILF Island [2.11]

Jack: [on the phone with Vice President Cheney ] Uh yes, I hope Deborah wins as well. [short pause] No, they're not real unfortunately.
Liz: [Imitating comic strip character Cathy] Chocolate, chocolate, chocolate! Aack!
Tracy: Order! Order, I say. We must not be rash. We must divorce ourselves from our prejudices and appeal to our higher reasoning. This is the speaking banana. Everyone will get a chance to speak and only then will we make our decision. Josh, my friend. [hands Josh the speaking banana] You are first.
Josh: Look, I would never do this because I'm loyal to the show.
Tracy: THAT DUDE DID IT!
Jack: The stutter got so bad I was taken out of my grade and put in the special class, held in the boiler room. My only other classmate was named Gilly. He'd fallen though the ice as a child and was technically dead for 57 minutes. They told us to sweep sawdust so we could find work at a mill. Of course I overcame the stutter in three languages. On to Princeton, Harvard, the top of the business world. I thought I blocked this out, but a thing like this brings back emotions.
Liz: I'm so sorry.
Jack: I feel like I'm back in that boiler room; making little piles of sawdust while Gilly plays with himself in the corner...
Jack: And Deborah is testing off the charts in the most profitable demographics: Soccer moms, NASCAR dads, white collar pervs and the obese.

[edit] Subway Hero [2.12]

Kenneth: Oh no Sir, I don't vote Republican or Democrat. Choosing is a sin, so I always just write in the Lord's name.
Jack: That's Republican. We count those.
Tracy: You put me in a quandary, Jack Donaghy. A quandary.
Tracy: I can't talk now, I have to get my wallet out of the toaster.
Tracy: Black people, don't vote! Just don't do it! And in the time that it takes you to vote, you play three games of pool. Three! Now that's fresh!

[edit] Succession [2.13]

Liz: I'm feeling pretty drunk.
Jack: Well, it's business drunk. It's like rich drunk, either way it's legal to drive.
Liz: More business juice, please.
Jack: Devon, once they cast Clay Aiken in Spamalot, I knew it was only a matter of time before you showed up here.
Liz: Hey, nerds! Who's got two thumbs, speaks limited french, and hasn't cried once today? [pointing both thumbs at herself] This moi.
Liz: Suck it, monkeys! I'm going corporate!

[edit] Sandwich Day [2.14]

Liz: Yikes! Did you know it's 4:30. I haven't stayed up this late since college.
[Flashback; Liz playing Dungeons and Dragons alone]
Liz: And behind this trap door, more orcs. That will really piss off Samir.
Jack: I even stopped to catch a snowflake with my tongue, but apparently that's some signal in Chelsea.
Liz: I wolfed my Teamster sub for you!
Floyd: Wait, no, is that a saying?
Liz: You're gonna get me another sandwich or I'm going to cut your face up so bad you'll have a CHIN. YOU'LL ALL HAVE CHINS.
[The writers have finished eating their sandwiches]
Tracy: Hey look, Lutz is still eating.
Frank: You're savoring it? What, you think you're better than us?
Lutz: [Worried] No that's not it at all, since the surgery I have to eat slowly or my insides might explode.
Tracy: GIMME IT
Lutz: [Stuffs sandwich into mouth and chews quickly] Ungh! It's like knives!

[edit] Cooter [2.15]

Jack: Cooter...
Cooter: That's not my name! My name is James Riley. Cooter Burger? What do you think I am? A cartoon dog? The President named me that.
Jack: He gave you two nicknames?
Cooter: Cooter because I look like a turtle and Burger because he saw me eating a hamburger. One time!
[Liz is flipping through a calendar]
Liz: Ugh...why don't I cross out the days like the people in the movies?
Jack: [as water pours from the ceiling] The ceiling appears to be leaking.
Cooter: No, it's not. We looked into it and it's not.
Random executive at meeting: I can't support that. Dam is a swear word. I'd support it if instead of dam we called it a 'god finger'
Jack:We have a chance to make this country great again. We need hope. We need change. We need experience. We need...PENS.

[edit] Cast