A Thousand Clowns
- Directed by Fred Coe. Written by Herb Gardner, adapted from his 1962 Broadway play of the same name.
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- Albert: Sandra, it's really time we left for Queens.
- Sandra: Here's the Ledbetter file, I'm staying here.
- Albert: Sandra.
- Sandra: I have decided to pursue this case.
- Albert: Sandra, have we lost all professional control?
- Sandra: You just -- you just go yourself -- to the Leadbellies -- you go on to Queens.
- Albert: Mr. Burns, you can assume at this point that Miss Markowitz is no longer involved with your case. The Board will be informed that she is no longer involved with this particular case. Her continuing here, to discuss your case -- at this point -- is entirely unofficial. You can dismiss any conference -- that may resume after I leave -- when I leave here, from your mind. And regardless of what you think of me--
- Murray: I think you're a dirty O.W.
- Albert: And -- do you know what you are? Maladjusted!
- Murray: Oooh! [strikes heart and sinks to the floor]
- Albert: Miss Markowitz did not show up in Queens yesterday.
- Murray: So...
- Albert: Well, her parents are quite upset. I am quite upset. Where is she?
- Murray: She’s hiding in the closet.
- Albert: Now, we’re really all quite anxious to know where she is.
- Murray: I’m not kidding, Albert, she’s in the closet.
- Albert: [checks the closet, gazes at her momentarily, quickly closes the door, and goes back to talk with Murray] She is in the closet.
- Murray: I wouldn’t lie to you, Albert.
- Albert: Why is she in the closet?
- Murray: I don’t know, uh…she’s got this thing about closets.
- Albert: Well, that’s a very silly thing for her to be in, that closet.
- Murray: Well, don’t knock it until you’ve tried it. Now, what else can I do for you, Albert?
- Albert: That’s a difficult thing for me to believe...I mean, that she’s right there in the closet. You know, you are not a person, Mr. Burns, you are an experience!
- Murray: [laughing] That’s very nice, Albert. I’ll have to remember that.
- Jason Robards — Murray Burns
- Barbara Harris — Dr. Sandra Markowitz
- Martin Balsam — Arnold Burns
- Gene Saks — Leo Herman
- William Daniels — Albert Amundson
- Barry Gordon — Nick