American Horror Story

From Wikiquote
Jump to: navigation, search
Ecran Titre d'American Horror Story.png
The American Horror Story house

American Horror Story (2011–) is a horror-drama television series, airing on FX, created and produced by Ryan Murphy and Brad Falchuk. Described as an anthology series, each season is conceived as a self-contained miniseries, following a disparate set of characters and settings, and a storyline with its own "beginning, middle and end."

The first season takes place in the present day and follows the story of the Harmon family, who move into a restored mansion, unaware that the home is haunted by its former inhabitants. The second season, titled American Horror Story: Asylum, takes place in 1964 and follows the stories of the patients, doctors and nuns who occupy an institution for the criminally insane. The third, titled American Horror Story: Coven, takes place in the present day and follows a Witches Coven in New Orleans.

Season 1: Murder House[edit]

Pilot [1.01][edit]

Rubber Man
Gynecologist: So are your periods regular again?
Vivien: Every other month! Not that I'm really complaining. After all that blood. Ben hates blood.
Gynecologist: You having issues with arousal?
Vivien: Not when I'm by myself.

Vivien: The light is different out here. It's softer.
Violet: It's called smog.
Ben: You should be excited, Vi. You can stop sneaking cigarettes and just start taking deep breaths.

Leah (to Violet) Eat this (Violet's cigarette)! (Violet spits on and runs away from Leah) Whoa, you are dead, YOU ARE DEAD!

Adelaide: (to Vivien) You are gonna die here.
Vivien: Ah, what are you doing here?
Constance: Adelaide, I put on Dora the Explorer for you, so you would sit and watch it.
Adelaide: It was Go (Go, Diego, Go!). It was Go, I don't like it.
Constance: Oh, brown cartoon characters--you can't tell the difference.

Vivien: Can I ask you a personal question? Do you ever get tired of cleaning up other peoples' messes?
Old Moira: We're women--it's what we do. I just get paid for it.

Constance: [to Moira] Don't make me kill you again.

Home Invasion [1.02][edit]

Constance: Is there anything more wonderful than the promise of a new child... or more heartbreaking when that promise is broken?

Ben: What do you want?
Larry: Well.. more than anything, I guess, to be on the stage. You know what stopped me? Fear of what my family would say. But... now that they're, well, you know, dead, and, uh, I have terminal brain cancer, I figure... maybe I should just go for it, you know? Chase that dream. What about you? What dream are you chasing? Or should I say, what dream is chasing you?

Larry: I'm trying very hard not to judge you.
Ben: Me? You murdered your entire family.
Larry: Yes. But I was never unfaithful.

Vivien: Well, I appreciate it. I'm not usually much of a cupcake girl myself...
Constance: Oh! They're not for you. At your age? You might as well just Krazy Glue a stick of butter to your ass.

Murder House [1.03][edit]

Marcy: I'd kill to live in this house, regardless of the history!

Moira: I don't want to be here anymore! I'm frightened! I miss my mother!
Constance: You think I want to stay in this world of death and rot and regret? Try to find some dignity in the situation. Move on, missy.
Moira: I can't. I want to, but I can't.
Constance: Every time I find my heart breaking just a sliver for you, I suddenly remember. You made this mess for yourself. And I also remember every time I see that ghostly eye, that I was and continue to be a hell of a shot.

Moira: I'm not naive to the ways of men. Their need to objectify, conquer. They see what they want to see. Women, however, see into the soul of a person.

Ben: Okay. But if you ever want to talk to somebody...
Violet: Dad...
Ben: I mean, not me. You know, I'm way too expensive.

Ben: I didn't do anything. You heard it on the tape. She did it to herself.
Colquitt: Right. It's not a crime to be an asshole.

Halloween (Part 1) [1.04][edit]

Chad: And pick me up some Gala apples. I thought these Golden Delicious would look dramatic in the bobbing bucket. They just look dull and depressing. There's no contrast.

Chad: I am trying here! I am trying to make this place warm and inviting and spectacular and have this Halloween party shot by Elle friggin Decor so someone will see it and sweep in and take this place off our hands, and then I can feel free to fall in love with a 25-year-old who has great biceps. So get off my back, carve a goddamn pumpkin, go get a goddamn costume, and man up.

Vivien: We have style.
Marcy: Everybody thinks they have style, and everybody thinks they're funny. Most people aren't.

Chad: I think you should just leave.
Vivien: You think we should just leave our house?
Chad: It's not your house. We know it, you know it, and the house knows it. Frankly, you don't deserve it.

Halloween (Part 2) [1.05][edit]

Larry: The one thing about the dead is they've got nothing left to lose.

Ben: You see that crazy bitch, you tell her we're done. I'm not playing your games. You come back on this property, and I will kill you. You hear me? I will kill you.
Larry: Promises, promises.

Tate: I used to come here... when the world closed in and got so small I couldn't breathe. I'd look out at the ocean, and I'd think... "Yo, douche bag, high school counts for jack shit." Kurt Cobain, Quentin Tarantino, Brando, DeNiro, Pacino, all high school dropouts. I... hated high school. So I'd come here and I'd look out at this vast, limitless expanse. Then it's like, that's your life, man. You can do anything, could be anything. Screw high school. That's... it's just a blip in your timeline. Don't get stuck there.

Constance: One of the comforts of having children is knowing one's youth has not fled, but merely been passed down to a new generation. They say when a parent dies, a child feels his own mortality. But when a child dies, it's immortality that a parent loses.

Piggy Piggy [1.06][edit]

Billie: I used to be like you. Until I was 25. When out of the blue my cleaning lady shows up as I'm brushing my teeth. Except she's got no toilet brush and rubber gloves, she's naked and bloody. Her husband murdered her with an ice pick.
Constance: It's hard to keep good help.
Billie: You think I wanted a bloody Mexican ghost in my bathroom? All I wanted was to improve my tennis game and unseat Charlotte Whitney as president of my book club. I was chosen. And when you're chosen, you either get with the program or you go crazy.

Ben: We need the money.
Vivien: I'm finding it really hard to look at your face. 'Cause I really, really, really want to bash it in. I find you disgusting... and disappointing as a man. and we're gonna end this marriage and we're gonna sell this house and I'll let you be a father to our kids because I happen to think that you're a good one. But I'm not going to be your friend. I will merely tolerate you.

Leah: The Devil is real. And he's not a little red man with horns and a tail. He can be beautiful. Because he's a fallen angel, and he used to be God's favorite. Have you read the Book of Revelation?
Violet: No.
Leah: In Heaven, there's this woman in labor howling in pain. And there's a red dragon with seven heads waiting so he can eat her babies. But the Archangel Michael, he hurls the dragon down to earth. From that moment on, the red dragon hates the woman, and declares war on her and all of her children. That's us.

Violet: Why are you bullshitting me?!?
Teacher: If the bullet had been an inch to the right, it would've missed my spine and I would have walked out of here. Might have even been able to stop him. An inch higher, it would have killed me. Sometimes shit just happens.
Violet: Good people don't just have a bad day and start shooting people.
Teacher: Maybe he wasn't a good person.

Billie: I see it all the time. The dead can hold a grudge better than most Scorpios.

Open House [1.07][edit]

Marcy: No matter how gruesome or horrible the murder, you can always find someone who'll buy the house.

Vivien: You know, we want to make sure everything's okay with the baby. You didn't see anything unusual--hooves or anything?
Ben: What?

Marcy: Everything was meticulously restored by a couple of the previous homos. Owners. Homeowners.
Escandarian: Fags have such a great eye for detail, don't they?
Marcy: A queer eye.

Larry: Oh, I see. It's because of my affliction, isn't it. Sometimes I wonder, if I knew how much I was going to be shunned, if I would have run back onto that burning school bus to save those children. Now this crudité is making my mouth dry. I'm going to have a little glass of this Chardonnay, and then you may show me the house.
Marcy: [drawing her gun] Put down the stemware.
Vivien: What are you doing?
Marcy: A woman in my line can't be too careful. There are a lot of minority men in this city who would like nothing more than to ravage me on this countertop.

Constance: Used to be no one was from here. People came here to escape their pasts. find a plot of land that not even a red Indian had set foot on and make a new life for yourself.
Escandarian: Give me a number. I want history, I'll talk to Gene Autry.
Constance: But now there are no more virgin plots. We live on top of each other. That's California now... and that's the world. there is no more space, and yet it it's human nature to want to claim your own turf. So build away, we do. every time you put up one of these... monstrous temples to the gods of travertine, you're building on top of someone else's life.
Escandarian: I'm a developer. I improved on the past. I build a new future.
Constance: You should show some respect. You're not an archaeologist. You should stop unearthing while you're ahead. It only brings a haunting. We have a responsibility as caretakers to the old lands... to show some respect.

Rubber Man [1.08][edit]

Moira: That's what men do--they make you think you're crazy so that they can have their fun.

Peggy: Look, Pat's obviously got some interests that he doesn't feel free sharing with you.
Chad: Ugh!
Peggy: Now, if you don't want to end up sharing him, then you need to make a preemptive strike.
Chad: What do you mean?
Peggy: I mean you have to fight. Pat's a great guy, Chad, worth fighting for. And if that means you have to fight with a cat-o'-nine-tails and some titty clamps, then brother, you better gear up.

Chad: Why are you being such an asshole? This turns you on. I know it does.
Patrick: Seriously, Chad, depressing sex is even more depressing when you try so hard.

[Violet loses her virginity to Tate]
Tate: Did it hurt? The first time usually does.
Violet: No, it was intense.
Tate: Yeah. For me too.
Violet: You really are here, aren't you?
Tate: Of course. I'll always be here, if that's what you want.
Violet: And they'll always be here too, won't they? The... whatever others.
Tate: They can't hurt us, Violet. They're just trying to scare you.
Violet: I wish i could tell my mom that.
Tate: You can't, Violet! if you tell anyone what we know, they'll say you're crazy. They'll lock you up. They'll try to take you away from here! We'd never see each other again!.

Moira: You want them to find you?
Tate: I'm open to suggestions.
Moira: I think you should get over your compulsive need to please the ladies of this house.
Tate: I think I have mommy issues. You know a good therapist?

Spooky Little Girl [1.09][edit]

Dr. Curan: What have you done?
Dr. Montgomery: I've bisected her body, removed the intestine, and drained her blood.
Dr. Curan: Why?
Dr. Montgomery: A writer writes, a surgeon cuts. I think you will find these pieces more portable.

Travis: I really got to go. I mean, I can't leave it like this with Constance.
Hayden: You're kidding me. I thought you said you hated her.
Travis: Nah, I guess I love her. And we got a baby coming.
Hayden: A baby what, fossil?

Billie: The Holy Ghost merely whispered in the Virgin Mary's ear and she begat the son of God. If the Devil's going to use a human womb for his spawn, he's going to want a little more bang for his buck.

Smoldering Children [1.10][edit]

Constance: Now, who wants to say grace? I do
Tate: Oh, Mother, may I?
Larry: Oh, of course, son. I was hoping you would choose to become a part of this family.
Tate: Dear God, thank you for the salty pig meat we are about to eat, along with the rest of the indigestible swill. And thank you for our new charade of our family. My father ran away when I was only six. If I'd have known any better, I would have joined him,. And, also, because she's been trying to get back into this house ever since she lost it, Lord, a big thank you for blinding the asshole that's doing my mother, so that he can't see what everybody knows. She doesn't really love him.
Adelaide: Amen.

Constance: [after feeding Hugo to her dogs] Once I discovered that he had cheated, Hugo meant no more to me than dog shit.

Violet: I died when I took all those pills.
Tate: I tried to save you. I did. I tried to make you throw them up. You threw up some…not enough. You took so many, Violet. You died crying. I held you. You were safe. You died…loved.

Violet: So why'd you keep it a secret?
Tate: "Hi, I'm Tate. I'm dead. Want to hook up?" I don't think so.

Constance: I have long stopped asking why the mad do mad things.

Birth [1.11][edit]

Chad: [to Violet] No. A very, very human surrogate. Your lovely mother.
Tate: You think you can steal those twins? You pathetic homos couldn't steal the shit out of your ass!
Violet: You know what, it doesn't matter! As soon as my parents get back, we're leaving here. They're leaving, so knock yourself out.
Chad: Honey, your parents aren't going anywhere as long as you're stuck here.
Patrick: And don't you get snotty little sister, you'd be begging to babysit. As big as this place is, it does get very lonely.
Chad: It could get ugly though. Were you a C-section? Is there an existing zipper we might use?
Tate: Watch it, you goddamned queen!
Chad: I'm quaking in my loafers! What are you gonna do? Murder me?

Constance: What you are planning to do is unnatural.
Chad: Deodorant's unnatural, but it's a public good. We'll make excellent parents.
Constance: Man shall not lie with man. It is an abomination.
Chad: So's that hairdo, but I figure that's your business.

Tate: Seriously, though, are you ready for all this? I mean, you never struck me as the diapers and midnight feedings type.
Patrick: Maybe you should have taken a few minutes to get to know me before you stuck a fireplace poker up my ass.
Tate: Fair enough.

Moira: He's the most beautiful baby I've ever seen.
Constance: From blood and pain come perfection.

Violet: My mom is dead.
Tate: I'm so sorry, I didn't know you were close.
Violet: Yeah. We were. My dad's there all alone now.
Tate: That makes me sad. I like your dad, he was nice to me.
Violet: He's nice to all his patients. Even the ones who lie to him.
Tate: [confused] What?
Violet: Why did you start seeing him in the first place? You knew you were dead
Tate: Cops shot me.
Violet: Why did they shoot you?
Tate: I don't know.
Violet: You murdered people, Tate. Kids, like us. The kids who came to us in Halloween.
Tate: [cries] Why would I do that? Why would I do that? Why would I do that? WHY would I do that?!
Violet: I don't know. Why did you kill the guys who lived here before us? Why did you RAPE my mother?
Tate: I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I was different then.
Violet: I used to think you were like me. You were attracted to the darkness, but Tate, you are the darkness.
Tate: No. Before you that's all there was. You are the only light, I've ever known. You've changed me Violet.
Violet: I believe that. [touches his cheek] I love you, Tate. But... I can't forgive you. [moves away] You have to pay for what you did! All the pain you've caused, all the sorrows? YOU MURDERED MY MOTHER!
Tate: No!
Violet: DEAD! That baby... Whatever it was, it killed her. I CAN'T be with you, I WON'T be with you.
Tate: [Moves closer to Violet] What are you saying?
Violet: I'm saying; Go away, Tate.
Tate: What?! NO! Don't do this, please!
Violet: Go away, Tate. GO AWAY!
Tate: You're all I want! You're all I have!
Violet: GO AWAY!
Tate: [screams] No!!
Violet: [closes her eyes and shouts] Go AWAAAAAY! [cries]

Afterbirth [1.12][edit]

Vivien: Moira, would you make me a cup of tea, please?
Moira: No. Your denial is impressive. You're a ghost, Mrs. Harmon. I don't take orders from ghosts.

Ben: What about Violet?
Violet: What about Violet? I'm a teenage girl. Not exactly a cakewalk.
Ben: Violet. What kind of father have I been? You weren't eating, you weren't going to school. You were already gone. I didn't get it.
Violet: I shut you out. I was afraid it would break you.
Ben: I've missed you so much.
Violet: I was never getting into Harvard. But I saved you a shitload of money.
Ben: Yeah, you did.

Violet: Are you sure you want to be alone? They say this house is haunted.
Gabriel: You're kind of twisted, aren't you?
Violet: You don't know the half of it.

Vivien: Some other poor family's just going to move in here. Suckers who will have no idea what they're in for.
Ben: And we know exactly what to do.

Hayden: Grow a pair. She's not into you. You're not getting back in her, she'll never talk to you again
Tate: I'll wait... Forever if I have to [stares at Violet's smile; she meets his eyes; her smile falters]

Constance: Ever since I was a little girl, I knew I was destined for great things. I was going to be somebody. Person of significance. Star of the silver screen, I once thought. But... my dreams became nightmares. Instead of laurels, funeral wreaths. Instead of glory, heh, bitter disappointment. Cruel afflictions. Now I understand. Tragedy was preparing me for something greater. Every loss that came before was a lesson. I was being prepared. Now I know for what. This child... a remarkable boy. Destined for greatness. In need of a remarkable mother. Someone forged in the fires of adversity, who can guide him. With--with firmness. With love.

Season 2: Asylum[edit]

Welcome to Briarcliff [2.01][edit]

Shelley: Do you think I'm full of shame and regret for what I've done now, Sister? You could shave me bald as a cue ball and I'd still be the hottest tamale in this joint.

Sister Jude: Shelley was brought to us having been given the preposterous diagnosis by a psychiatrist comparing her to a wood nymph.
Lana: You mean a nymphomaniac?

Sister Jude: Mental illness is the fashionable explanation for sin.

Sister Jude: This is not a meat locker. Here, you will repent for your crimes to the only judge that matters: the Almighty God.
Kit: There is no God. Not a God who would create the things I saw.
Sister Jude: Your story about little green men? That won't do here.
Kit: They weren't human. They were monsters.
Sister Jude: All monsters are human. You're a monster.

Dr. Arden: When the monsignor brought me out of retirement to run Briarcliff's medical unit, we made a gentleman's agreement.
Sister Jude: Curious, since only one of you is a gentleman.

Tricks and Treats [2.02][edit]

Dr. Arden: The last time I suggested electroshock therapy, you accused me of being a sadistic barbarian.
Sister Jude: I prayed about it. When I wasn't praying for you to find a halfway decent haberdasher.

Demon-Possessed Jed: And the Lord said to the cripple, take up thy bed, and fly...!

Nor'easter [2.03][edit]

Sister Mary Eunice: We're all going to be together in the dark, watching The Sign of the Cross. A movie full of fire, sex, and the death of Christians. What fun.

Sister Mary Eunice: [security guard interrupts movie to tell her that patients are missing] Now? The Christians are about to be eaten!

I Am Anne Frank (Part 1) [2.04][edit]

Sister Jude: So, "Anne Frank," is it? What a relief it will be to millions of schoolchildren to know you survived.

Dr. Arden: I was never in Auschwitz; I'm from Scottsdale!

I Am Anne Frank (Part 2) [2.05][edit]

Dr. Thredson: I don't work here anymore, Frank. As a matter of fact, I never did. You can tell her I said that.

Dr. Thredson: I see you found my little ... hobby.
Lana: You make furniture?
Dr. Thredson: Lamps mainly. I make the shades myself.
Lana: What kind of material do you use?
Dr. Thredson: Skin.

Dr. Thredson: She's been on ice for a while. Normally by now, I would have removed the skin and head. Don't worry, she won't bite. [Thredson puts on the Bloody Face mask which now has teeth on it] I took her teeth.

The Origins of Monstrosity [2.06][edit]

Dr. Thredson: You can scream all you want, no one will hear you. Obviously the basement is soundproof. Believe me, girls with bigger sets of lungs than yours have tried before.

Dr. Thredson: A mother's touch. Skin to skin contact. That's what I was craving, that's what I was missing. My whole life. But she smelled of formaldehyde. And her skin, even after I removed it, was cold. And stiff.

Jenny: She thinks I killed Josie.
Sister Mary Eunice: Did you?
Jenny: No.
Sister Mary Eunice: Did so.
Jenny: How do you know?
Sister Mary Eunice: I know everything. I'm the Devil.

Howard: I thought all TB patients had been cleared out.
Arden: These are the incurables. Those whose tuberculosis was too far advanced for any of the new miracle drugs to have an effect.
Howard: God bless them.
Arden: Well, He hasn't yet.

Arden: Another mess to clean up, Mr. Spivey? You seem to have mistaken the broom closet for the playground where you used to expose yourself to innocent little boys and girls.
Spivey: No, never the boys, Doc. I had my standards.

Dark Cousin [2.07][edit]

Sister Mary Eunice: [to Dr. Arden about Grace] All of her girl parts have been scooped out.

Dr. Thredson: [to Lana] I can either cut your throat or I can strangle you. I don't believe in guns.

Sister Jude: Never trust a drunk.

Angel of Death: I come when I'm called. That's what I do, Jude. I don't judge. I never judge.

Angel of Death: Are you ready for me?
Grace: Yes. [Angel kisses Grace as she dies] I'm free.

Unholy Night [2.08][edit]

Frank McCann: Doctor, I've been thinking.
Dr. Arden: You want to be careful, Frank — that could be dangerous.

Sister Mary Eunice: [to Dr. Arden] Did you celebrate Christmas in your Nazi household?

Sister Jude: [to Mother Superior about Satan's plan] Bit by bit, he turns our eyes away from God.

Leigh Emerson: [dressed as Santa Claus with a woman on his lap] What do you say we blow this pop stand, go savage a few elves, and then suck on each other?

Leigh: [to Sister Jude] There is no God, but there is a Santa Claus!

The Coat Hanger [2.09][edit]

Sister Jude: Make it tight, Frank.
Leigh: Make it tight. I like it tight. Just ask Sister Chastity.
Sister Jude: I'll deal with Sister Chastity.
Leigh: You might start by picking a new name for her.

Sister Jude: So you'll spend the next couple days here, reflecting on your behavior.
Leigh: How can I reflect when my hand's tied down? [tries to simulate masturbating]
Sister Jude: You're disgusting.
Leigh: We all got our crosses to bear.

Sister Jude: [to Lana] Come on, goddammit, give me a cigarette. I think I've earned it.

Sister Jude: There's going be some changes around here, starting with that. [walks up to the record player and smashes the record that constantly plays in the rec room]
Lana: [after Sister Jude returns to her seat] Well, hot damn.

The Name Game [2.10][edit]

Pepper: [to Dr. Arden] If anything happens to Grace in here, they'll take you, open up your brain and stir it with a fork.

Shacath, the Angel of Death: The devil is at Briarcliff in your favorite young nun. Guard your thoughts, use your rosary. Each bead is His name. This is your moment, Timothy.

Monsignor Howard: Your voice had the gift of moral clarity. I owe you an apology. She's destroyed you, and now she's destroyed me. I need your counsel. What should I do?
Judy (Sister Jude): Kill her.

Dr. Arden: [to Sister Mary Eunice] You have no idea what it means to have lost you.

Spilt Milk [2.11][edit]

Mother Superior Claudia: [to Lana, about the asylum] I want it burned down and the Earth salted!

Johnny: [about his mother] Every time I think about her, I wanna do things! Bad things!

Judy: [to the monsignor] It's an extraordinary thing. You know that? You throw me in the madhouse, you strip away everything I have, everything I know, you treat me like a rabid dog, like a madwoman. And you know what happens? I'm blessed with the gift of total clarity. I am more sane now as a madwoman than I ever was as the head of Briarcliff.

Lana: [about reporters] We are vultures, attracted to the scent of rotted meat.

Detective Byers: You're one tough cookie.
Lana: I am tough, but I'm no cookie.

Continuum [2.12][edit]

Judy: [to the monsignor] Hell, I'm the Queen of Candyland.

Shacath (as Judy's cellmate): Babycakes, I'm only just starting to toy with you.

Lana: [to Kit, regarding a book about Leigh] I thought of calling it Santa and the Seven Nuns. Too campy?

Judy: [after seeing The Flying Nun on TV] They don't know, but I don't need the hat. I can fly without it. One of these days I'm gonna fly my ass right outta here!

Madness Ends [2.13][edit]

Sister Jude: I do hope you know what you are in for. The loneliness, the heartbreak, the sacrifice you will face as a woman with a dream on her own.
Lana: You don't have any idea of what I'm capable of.
Sister Jude: Well, then, look at you, Ms. Lana Banana. Just remember if you look in the face of evil, evil's gonna look right back at you.

Season 3: Coven[edit]

Bitchcraft [3.01][edit]

Madison: It's too hot. My frickin' vagina's sweating.

Fiona: [to Zoe, Madison, Nan & Queenie] You girls need to learn to fight. When witches don't fight, we burn.

Fiona: [to Cordelia] Don't make me drop a house on you.

Fiona: [to Madame LaLaurie] C'mon, Mary Todd Lincoln. I'll buy you a drink.

Fiona: The world’s not going to miss a bunch of assholes in Ed Hardy t-shirts.

Fiona: [to Queenie] Oh Jesus, go change your clothes. Wear something... black.

Boy Parts [3.02][edit]

Madison: Is this where we all sing Kum-Bah-Yah?
Queenie: Bitch! I will eat you.

Zoe: Everyone here is a witch. I'm so sorry. Please don't send us to jail.

Fiona: [to Madison] You're missing the point
Madison: What's the point?
Fiona: The point is in this whole wide wicked world the only thing you have to be afraid of is me.

Zoe: Did we just marry the Devil? Because I'm not down with that.

Marie: Well maybe you haven't heard the news about civilization started in Africa. We're more then just pins and dolls and seeing the future in chicken parts. You've been reading too many tourist guides.
Fiona: Speaking of tourist guides... no more spray. I have been to St. Louis No.1 and I have seen the tomb of Laveau. Seen the fat tourists from Little Rock to Hackensack drawing crosses on the bricks, making wishes to the bones of Marie Laveau. Little do they know, all they have to do to get their wishes granted was come down here to the ninth ward and get their hair braided.
Marie: And what is your wish, witch?
Fiona: I want what you have. Whatever it is that has kept you young all these years.
Marie: [laughs] The hammer wants the nail's magic. Oh, that is rich!
Fiona: Yeah, and you're gonna give it to me. Because, I have something you want.
Marie: You could offer me a unicorn that shit hundred dollar bills and I'd still never give you nothing more then a headache.

The Replacements [3.03][edit]

Delphine: [watching Barack Obama on television] No... why oh Lord Almighty God have you forsaken this once proud country?
Fiona: Oh God, are you blubbering again? Eternal life and all you can do with it is stuff your face and cry.
Delphine: That magic box lies. Somebody... somebody in there, they just said that... that negro is the President of the United States.
Fiona: I voted for him, twice. We've also had Black Secretaries of State, Supreme Court Justices and even the Poet Laureate.
Delphine: Lieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeesssssssss.

Queenie: You're the bitch that blindsided me with that candlestick.
Delphine: How dare you open your foul mouth to me, negress!
Queenie: Excuse me?
Delphine: I may be a maid, but there are limits to my servitude.
Queenie: You best put that food down in front of me before I frisbee this plate at your head.
[Delphine throws the plate of food against the wall]
Queenie: Cracker bitch!
Fiona: Hey! What the hell is going on here?
Madison: Miss Aryan Sisterhood came between Queenie and her food.
Delphine: I will not stoop to serve her kind.
Fiona: You know Delphine, from now on you're going to be Queenie's personal slave. And Queenie, you ask her to do whatever you need done. Make your bed, scrub your toilet, I don't give a shit.
Queenie: Sweet.
Fiona: There's nothing I hate more than a racist.

Joan: Oh, this is the welcoming committee, and you brought baked goods, aren't you darling? Well we'd love to visit but we're running late for church. [to Luke] We'll take the cake to share.
Madison: Church? It's not even Sunday.
Luke: It's Bible study.
Joan: It's how we maintain our personal relationship with our Lord, Jesus Christ.
Madison: You know that's all a crock of shit, right? I mean, why wait for some phony happily ever after when you can have your piece now? I say.

Marie: [about Fiona] Too late for tears, damage is done. Waltzing in here like she the Queen of England, talkin' bout hammer and nails, lookin' to start a war.
Cordelia: Fiona was here?
Marie: She done messed with the wrong witch, and she knows it and now you know it.

Fiona: This coven doesn't need a new supreme, it needs a new rug.

Fearful Pranks Ensue [3.04][edit]

Fiona: Tonight I'm going to let the whole world in and get a good look at me. Who's the baddest witch in town?

Myrtle: Fiona, it's been a long time.
Fiona: Myrtle Snow... Look at you, developing a sense of style when no one was paying attention.

Queenie: Madison Montgomery is a stone-cold bitch who loves hard drinking, big dicks and trouble. If she's dead, it's probably 'cause she got wasted and offered the Grim Reaper a hand job or something.

Spalding: These are my last words, Miss Fiona. I have always loved you.

Burn, Witch. Burn! [3.05][edit]

Elderly patient: [to Fiona] You didn't throw that acid but you might as well have.

Marie: [to her reanimated corpse army] Begin.

Marie: They got some real power in that witch house now.

Delphine: [about her own daughter] She had a monster for a mother. Her death was the only kindness I ever did for her.

Myrtle: If you wouldn't listen,.....
Fiona: YOU will sit! (Myrtle sits on a chair)

Myrtle: [upon being sentenced to burn] No need to bind me. I shall not resist. Why would I? I've been swimming against the tide my whole life. Look where it got me. I used to be an outcast, a freak, until I found my place in this coven. I thought I'd come home, but I was wrong. I go proudly to the flame. Go ahead, burn me.

Myrtle: [before being hot wet and burned by the cigarette because of Fiona] You're all toads in a pot which Fiona is slowly bringing to the boil, by the time you notice, it will already be too late, I'd rather burn than boil.
Fiona: (to Myrtle) Any last words?
Myrtle: You haven't seen the last of me before! (burns/screams/cries on fire)

The Axeman Cometh [3.06][edit]

Misty: [to Zoe about Kyle] Get him out of here. He broke Stevie.

Zoe: [to Spalding] Alright you twisted, tea-serving necrophiliac, what'd you do to Madison?

Marie: When I plant a fat-ass cracker bitch, I expect her to stay planted, not spring up like that damn ragweed.

Cordelia: (to the axeman) NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO (2 times), (the axeman breaks glasses) no, noooooooooooooo!

(The axeman breaks glasses.)

Madison: CORDELIA! (tries to unlock and open the door and save Cordelia from the axeman.)

Kaylee: [to Cordelia] I just want to find a good husband and have three kids. I think I have a good shot. I work out and play fantasy football.

The Axeman: I am not a human being, but a spirit. A foul demon from hottest Hell.

The Dead [3.07][edit]

Madison: I am a Millennial. Generation Y. Born between the birth of AIDS and 9/11, give or take. They call us "the Global Generation." We are known for our entitlement and narcissism. Some say it's because we're the first generation where every kid gets a trophy just for showing up. Others think it's because social media allows us to post every time we fart or have a sandwich for all the world to see. But it seems that our one defining trait is a numbness to the world, an indifference to suffering. I know I did anything I could to not feel. Sex, drugs, booze. Just take away the pain. Take away my mother and my asshole father. And the press, and all the boys I loved who wouldn't love me back. Hell, I was gang raped, and two days later I was back in class like nothing happened. I mean, that must have hurt like hell, right? Most people never get over stuff like that, and I was, like, "Let's go for Jamba juice." I would give everything I have or will ever have just to feel pain again. To hurt.

Delphine: It's this century. It still does perplex me so.
Queenie: You think I'm any less perplexed? I dragged my ass all the way here from Detroit to be with my, quote, "sister witches." And instead I'm sitting in a fast-food parking lot at 3 in the morning with an immortal racist. How'd that happen?

The Axeman: "The reason for living was to get ready to stay dead a long time."
Fiona: Faulkner.
The Axeman: As I lay dying.
Fiona: I get it. You're not just any old broke-down sax man, you're college-educated one.
The Axeman: I've led a... solitary life.

The Axeman: The joke was they always watched the bass player. But they should have watched my fingers... on the keys... my body in perfect synchronization… an extension of my instrument... no effort at all, just one with hit. The way my lips and my tongue wrapped around my instrument was... impeccable. My embouchure... that's how I calibrate, hit those clear, high, notes.

Marie Laveau: (to Madame) It's been such a long time.
Madame: You don't know this one, what did she (Queenie) do to me?
Queenie: (to Madame) Yes, I do, you dumb b*tch.
Madame: (to Queenie/Marie Laveau) No. (2 times) (gets arrested) NOOOOOOO! (3 times) (gets put into a cage/jail by Queenie and Marie Laveau), (crying), NOOOOOOOOOOOO (2 times), no, please!

Queenie: (to Marie Laveau) I love to.
Madame: (to Queenie) No, no, you stay away from me, you stay away from me you, hear me?! YOU STAY AWAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!

The Sacred Taking [3.08][edit]

Myrtle: Can you imagine those poor Salem witches traveling all the way down here in covered wagons without a proper charcuterie platter or a bidet? Absolutely savage!

Fiona: I'm starting to look less Samantha and more Endora every day.

Queenie: Voodoo. Witchcraft. This town ain’t big enough for the both of us. War is coming.. and you're gonna lose.

Delphine: (to Queenie) Throw me back in the box. I've seen enough of this world. I'll take no part in a country that has a darkie in the White House.

Delphine: (to Marie Laveau) I'm not afraid of you. (Marie Laveau cuts Delphine's arm) OOOOOW (at several times)!

Cordelia: [to Misty Day] Your feet should be getting warmer.
Myrtle: I’m told it starts as a tingle in the cooch.
Fiona: For me, it started as a classic migraine. Auras, nausea, pain behind the eyes.

Madison: [to Fiona] Surprise, bitch. I bet you thought you'd seen the last of me.

Head [3.09][edit]

Hank: I'm part of a sacred order, a soldier in a shadow war, a war that’s been raging since before the time of Salem; we are a brotherhood pledged in blood, dedicated to stamping out the pestilence of witchery on the North American continent.

Fiona: You know why I got a female attack dog?
Hank: Because bitches stick together?
Fiona: Because females are more loyal and aggressive when it comes to protecting their family.

Myrtle: At any rate, I’m not going to kill you, well maybe after dessert. I put a lot of effort into the Key Lime Pie. I do love a Key Lime Pie. Even more than a île flottante... call me a Philistine.

Fiona: Oh..Sweet Jesus !
Myrtle: He gets no credit. It was I who restored our beloved Cordelia.

Fiona: One dog moves out, another moves in. It's the circle of life.

The Magical Delights of Stevie Nicks [3.10][edit]

Nan: [to Madison] Put out that cigarette. Now stick it in your vagina.

Fiona: [to Papa Legba] She’s innocent! Mostly… She killed the neighbor, but the bitch had it coming.

Papa Legba: [to Fiona] I don’t give a donkey shit about title. I want only one thing: your soul.

Papa Legba: [to Fiona & Marie from putting/killing Nan in the water in the tub] You two together are in biiiiiig trouble.

Fiona: [to the Axeman] Haven’t you heard? I have no soul. I'll just kill 'em all.

Fiona: Yeah, well before we hop on our broomsticks, let’s think it through.

Myrtle Snow: (to Cordelia) I'm trying to give you une demi tasse de realite, darling. Let's be honest. Living in Fiona's shadow is a challenge. What are your options when your mother's Hillary Clinton? Between us chickens, no matter how hard I worked at it, I never felt special, either. But with my reemergence from the flames - look at me, I'm fabulous, reinvigorated, one never knows what the universe has in store for us!
Cordelia Foxx: (crying) Oh, stop, stop talking, you are insane, my god, (breaks the glass)! I am an absolute failure! Everything that Fiona says is true! I don't belong here (with Myrtle) anymore, I don't belong anywhere (with Myrtle), (breaks the glasses), NO, (breaks the glasses)!

Protect the Coven [3.11][edit]

Delphine: I think I'm gonna like it here.

Myrtle: Madison, you are the worst kind of Hollywood cliche. You are a bubblehead with crotchless panties.
Madison: And you're a dried up, old hot pocket, but I don't judge.
Myrtle: You can't talk to me like that. I'm your elder.
Madison: Welcome to the revolution, Carrot Top. As the next Supreme, I'm gonna drag this Coven out of the Dark Ages. Crotchless panties for everyone.

Madison: [to Kyle] As for you, Ken doll. Well, putting you together was fun... [burns the cigarette] But taking you apart's gonna be even more fun.

Fiona: [to The Delphi Trust men] Here's my other offer. You can all just die.

Go to H*ll [3.12][edit]

Queenie: Where is Marie Laveau?
Fiona: She's probably off in some unholy nether realm, cavorting with that half-baked Beetlejuice. Papa Legaboo-boo, or whatever the hell his name is.

Queenie: [to Delphine] A dog returns to his vomit.

Misty: You bitch, [slaps Madison] you thought that I'm some dumb swamp rat you could leave behind to die?
Madison: Ummm, yes. [walks beside her]
Myrtle: Girls, stop these vulgar fisticuffs. [lights cigarette] It's beneath us.
Misty: I don't wanna waste my magic on you, I can do you with my hands.

Axeman: You must pay for what you've done!
Madison: Wow, did you walk into the wrong house?
Axeman: I'll kill all of you!

Misty: I can't bring someone back once they're gator shit.

Papa Legba: Congratulations, Madame Delphine LaLaurie, you have been granted your sweet release from de world of de mortal... and as punishment for your crimes of murder, torture, passion, fashion, and being an all-round no-good, miserable bitch, you will spend all of eternity here... in my home.
Madame: It's my home.
Papa Legba: No, it's mine,... welcome to h*ll (H*ll).

Madame: (to Papa Legba) You've seen the last of me.

Borquita: (to Madame) NO (DON'T DIE), PLEASE, MOTHER! (to Marie Laveua) NO! (Madame and Borquita scream) (Madame gets burned/killed by Marie Laveau)

The Seven Wonders [3.13][edit]

Cordelia: Careful, girls, it's not a game.
Madison: It's the best game and we need a goddamn break.
Zoe: Can't we just have a little fun?

Madison: I was Leisl (from her Sound of Music the recorded movie dream).

Kyle: You let her (Zoe) die, why did you let her die?
Madison: I did it for us, I love you. I love you... Please, please!
Kyle: You're not that good an actress.

Unnamed 9 Year Old 4th Grader Boy: Mr. Krinkin (a 4th grade science teacher), she (Misty who's 31 years old to be with him) did it (made a frog alive) again!
Mr. Krinkin: Shut up!
Misty: (to Mr. Krinkin) Don't make me! (Don't make me cut or kill the frog!) (gets made cut/kill the frog) NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! (makes the frog alive)
Unnamed 9 Year Old 4th Grader Boy: Mr. Krinkin,...!
Cordelia: (crying) (Misty disappears.) No!

Cordelia: [to Myrtle] Any last words?
Myrtle: Only one: BALENCIAGA! (Cordelia throws a cigarette at Myrtle) (burns/screams/cries on fire)

Fiona: You took my power the minute I gave birth to you.

Cordelia: [to Fiona] Feel the fear and the pain, let it all in, and then let it all go.


Season 1[edit]

Season 2[edit]

Season 3[edit]

External links[edit]

Wikipedia has an article about: