Arrested Development

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Arrested Development was a character-driven comedy television series about a wealthy but dysfunctional family that aired on FOX for three seasons. The show is presented like a documentary, complete with narration, archival photos, and historical footage. Set in Balboa Island, California, it was filmed on location in the city and the surrounding area.

Contents

[edit] Season 1

[edit] Pilot [1.1]

Gay Protesters: [chanting] We're here! We're queer! We wanna get married on the ocean!
Lucille: Look what they've done, Michael. Look what the homosexuals have done to me.
Michael: You can't just... comb that out and re-set it?
[at Tobias and Lindsay's fundraiser for Stop the Hunger]
Lindsay: [to a waiter] Oh, no. I'm completely stuffed. [turns back] ...um, I forget their name ...but I know they're hungry. And I think some are thirsty.
Lucille: If you're saying that I play favorites, you're wrong. I love all my children equally.
[flashback to earlier that day]
Lucille: I don't care for Gob.
Gob: Why not? Lindsay's been staying at the Four Seasons for a month, and she's probably charging it to the company!
Michael: Lindsay's been in town for a month?
Gob: ...I don't think so.
Gob: You know, I sort of thought my contribution could be a magic show.
Michael: Oh, that's perfect, Gob.
Gob: Thank you.
Michael: Or, wait a minute. I just remembered something — Dad's retiring, not turning six.
Michael: So .. this is the magic trick, huh?
Gob: "Illusion," Michael. A trick is something a whore does for money. [Michael points out that a bunch of kids are staring at Gob with their mouths open] ... Or candy! *NOTE...in the 'Extended Pilot' version of this episode (available on the Season One DVD), Gob replaces "candy" with "cocaine."
Michael: Maybe you'll be inspired by the boat party tonight and start a career as a pirate.
Tobias: I haven't packed for that.
Narrator: Then, mistaking a group of garishly dressed men for pirates, Tobias boarded a van full of homosexuals.
George Sr.: They cannot arrest a husband and wife for the same crime.
Michael: Yeah, I don't think that that's true, dad.
George Sr.: I've got the worst *bleep*ing attorneys.
  • NOTE* In the Extended Pilot, the word fuck is not bleeped.
Gob: Give me a dollar. No, the twenty. This is gonna blow your mind... Some say wealth is an illusion, well let's just see... For one moment it's here, and the next ... monopoly. You don't have it, do you?
George Michael: I think I might.
Gob: That's good, cause a lot of the pieces are missing.
Gob: Oh to play monopoly with my family again. I’d give anything to be 8.
George Michael: I'm 13.
Gob: No, I wasn't crazy about 13. The acne, the self-consciousness... the erections.
George Michael: Whew... [looks away uncomfortably]
Gob: You okay?
George Michael: Yeah... I'm good.
Gob: [sees Michael approaching] Hey, there's the man I came to see!
George Michael: Uncle Gob, where's the 20?
Gob: Hey, a magician never reveals his secret. That’s what I started the whole alliance about.
George Michael: I don't need the secret. I just need the 20 -
Gob: What you need to know, is that it's magic. [rolls away]
George Michael: Wow, so much like stealing.
Maeby: I don't understand why you work every weekend. Aren't you like, my age?
George Michael: Well it's important to be responsible. I think there aren't enough young people out there today who have a real work ethic.
Maeby: What do you mean?
George Michael: [looks stunned] ...I don't know.
Tobias: What an adventure gang! I thought that the homosexuals were pirates. But it turns out that most of them were actors in the local theater. You're right though, it is amazing: I've been waiting for the universe to provide a path for me and I think it has.
Lindsay: You're gay?
Tobias: No. No, I'm not gay. Lindsay how many times must we have this- No. I want to be... an actor.
Gob: We're in trouble here, Michael. And I can't perform my magic. I'm getting blackballed from even the smaller venues.
[cut to a childrens birthday party]
birthday party man: Well it's come down to the two of you. And I'll be honest, I'm just more comfortable with an Alliance-approved magician.
Gob: [sighs] Give 'em a hell of a show, champ.
[camera pans showing a teenage boy in a cape]
Teen Magician: Fuck off, traitor.
Michael: I thought Buster had everything under control. I thought you've been going in to the office.
Buster: Yes, and I've enjoyed that. It's just that I was constantly being called to the phone, or I was asked a question, or I was resuscitated and it was really hard to get a good work flow going.
Lucille: Everything they do is so dramatic and flamboyant. It just makes me want to set myself on fire!
Lindsay: Good grief, Mother! Not all homosexuals are flamboy... Oh, my God, I have the exact same blouse.
Lucille: I like it better on him.
Michael: What comes before anything? What have we always said is the most important thing?
George Michael: Breakfast.
Michael: Family.
George Michael: Family, right. I thought you meant of the things you eat.
George-Michael: Well I'd rather live like this than be like my aunt and uncles whose eyes have never stung from the sweet sweat of a hard day's work.
Michael: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Where are you getting all that from?
George-Michael: ...From you. You say it every couple of years when they come out to visit.
Michael: Well maybe you're right.
Maeby: Um, yeah, I bought a frozen banana, and when I bit into it, I found this.
George Michael: It looks like a foot.
Maeby: It tasted like a foot. Which I didn't really mind, but I'm pretty sure I said "no nuts."
[Lindsay is talking about her Anti-Circumcision Charity "HOOP: Hands off our Penises"]
Lindsay: I think it looks frightening when it's cut off. It's a Doberman -— let it have its ears. Believe it or not, we brought in over $40,000.
Michael: Unbelievable. Sounds like you saved enough skin to make ten new boys.
George Sr.: I don't have time for your magic tricks.
Gob: Illusions, Dad! You don't have time for my illusions!
Michael: Okay, guys, um... they are going to keep Dad in prison at least until this gets all sorted out. Also, the attorney said that they’re going to have to put a halt on the company’s expense account.
[All gasping.]
Michael: Interesting. I would’ve expected that after “They’re keeping Dad in jail.”
Lindsay: You’ve had $80,000 worth of cartography lessons. Get us a channel to the ocean.
Buster: Okay, okay, okay.

(Pauses)

Buster: Obviously this blue part here is the land
Lucille: And I’m putting Buster in charge.
Gob: He’s a good choice.
Michael: Buster? The guy who thought that the blue on the map was land?
Lucille: He's had business classes.
Buster: W-w-w-wait. Eighteenth-century agrarian business. But I guess it's all the same principles. Lemme ask you: Are you at all concerned about an uprising?
Lucille: I'd rather be dead in California than alive in Arizona.
Michael: [about George Michael] Well, I guess he really misses his family.
Lindsay: Well, he doesn't know us very well.
Michael: Yeah, clearly.
Narrator: And so the family staged an intervention.
Michael: I’m sorry, what exactly is this intervention for?
Lucille: We need you to come back and run the business.
Michael: Oh, okay. Well, then, so, technically it’s not really an intervention. It’s a little bit more of an imposition, if you think about it.
Lindsay: Oh, whatever you want to call it.
Michael: I'd like to call it an imposition.

[edit] Top Banana [1.2]

[Repeated Line] No touching!
Michael: You know something, Lindsay, you might want to start thinking about the example you’re setting for your daughter, unless you want her to end up just like you.
Maeby: Yeah, shoot me when that happens.
Michael: Well you certainly haven't been shopping, all I found in the refrigerator was a dead dove in a bag...
Gob: You didn't eat that did you? 'Cause I only got a couple of days left to return it.
[After seeing Lindsay, Tobias, Gob and Maeby all lying around in the living room]
Michael: Is there a carbon monoxide leak in this house?
Michael: George Michael, you're taking your cousin to work today, ok? That's your new employee. I don't want my niece ending up just like everyone in this family.
Lindsay: Uh-uh, you're not telling my daughter what to do. She's a child!
Maeby: No I'm not! I can work.
George Michael: uh..I don't know about this. It can get pretty hairy in there.
Lindsay: Fine, do whatever you want. If I know my daughter, that stand won't be there in the morning.
Michael: [to George Michael] You stay on top of her, buddy. Do not be afraid to ride her, hard
Michael: Hey mom, I was wondering if you knew anything about these....
Lucille: [interrupting] I don't know where they are.
Michael:: ...flight records. You know, it's really more believable if you let me finish first.
George Sr.: ...this is my vacation, Michael.
Michael: You're doing time, dad.
George Sr.: I'm doing the time... of my life!
George Sr.: I am having a love affair with this ice cream sandwich.
Lucille: [on the phone]) Then why don't you marry an ice cream sandwich?
Fireman: Somebody wanted this place to go.
Michael: Yeah? What do you mean, arson?
Fireman: Oh, definitely the work of a flamer.
Lucille: [To the maid] Luz, that coat cost more than your house. [Lucille looks at Michael] That's how we joke. She doesn't even have a house.
Lucille: [Regarding Gob] Make him feel special.
Michael: But he’s not special, Mother.
Lucille: No. But he loves you. We all love you.
Lucille: You gave him a letter to mail.
Michael: And don’t tell me that was too much for him?
Lucille: No, Michael, he mailed the letter. That’s not the point.
Narrator: GOB had not mailed the letter, but in an act of defiance, dramatically hurled the letter into the sea. (Shot of GOB repeatedly throwing the letter towards the ocean, only to have the winds knock it down each time) This proved a more difficult dramatic gesture than he’d anticipated.
Lindsay: Did you enjoy your meal, Mom? You drank it fast enough.
Lucille: Not as much as you enjoyed yours. You want your belt to buckle, not your chair.
George Michael: (at restaurant) Oh, my God! It’s your mom and Gangee!
Maeby: What are they doing here?
George Michael: They’re grown-ups, they’re allowed to have fun whenever they want! We’re kids, we’re supposed to be working!
Lucille: You might want to let that fire go out before you stick your face in it.
Lindsay: Ah, that's funny. Because I was going to say, you might want to lean away from that fire since you're soaked in alcohol.
Lucille: Mine was better.
Gob: I should be in charge. I’m the older brother.
Michael: Do you even want to be in charge?
Gob: No... but I’d like to be asked!
George Sr.: There's always money in the banana stand.
Tobias: Oh my god!!! We're having a fire!!!!..sale.
Tobias: And, scene.
Roger Danish: Uhm. Do you want to try that a little...simpler?
Tobais: [considers for a second]..No.

[edit] Bringing Up Buster [1.3]

[George Sr's Cornballer infomercial]
George Sr.: Time to pull out the basket and we dig into some hot- [burns himself on the Cornballer] Son of a Bitch!
Richard Simmons: Oh, look what you did! You plopped it, what's wrong with you?
George Sr.: [while strangling Richard Simmons] I'll plop you, you mincing ...
George Michael: Actually, uh, I can't really go today.
Michael: How's that?
George Michael: My bike needs a tune-up or something.
Michael: Let's not blame the bike, okay? It's the poor carpenter who blames his shoddy tools for his... [puts his arm on the Cornballer, burning himself] Ow! Jesus christ! Stupid cornballing piece of shit!
Narrator: Maeby was reaching out to a boy named Steve Holt, who was auditioning for the lead in the school play... Maeby decided to audition as well, looking for a chance to get closer to Steve.
Maeby: [auditioning] ... the occasion to kiss. [turns to director] And then we actually get to kiss, right?
Narrator: George-Michael also chose to audition, looking for a chance to get closer to his cousin, Maeby.
George Michael: [auditioning, mumbling softly] ... I would kiss before I spoke. [turns to director] And then there's a kiss, right?
Director: Louder!
George Michael: [shouting] AND THEN THERE'S A KISS, RIGHT?
Maeby: I'm surprised you tried out for this.
George Michael: Yeah, I just love the theater.
Maeby: That's great. I'm just doing it to kiss Steve Holt.
George Michael: Actually I think I'm going to quit. Yeah. Theater's dead.
Maeby: ... But he's always going to be at football practice so I'm going to have to kiss the stand-in.
George Michael: But no. No. I love the theater, and I gave my word so I'm back in.
Narrator: Tobias had gotten the directing job by meeting with the school principal.
Tobias: ... and you tell me you've got some P.E. teacher directing? That just makes me want to puke all over your head, sir! [gets on one knee] Give me a chance to tell the bard's tale and I give you my word on humble knee whence you shall not say it wasn't e'r to be.
Principal: ... Jerry, you cool with this?
Jerry/P.E. Teacher: Sure, let the little fruit do it.
Tobias: Huzzah!
Tobias: Okay everybody. Well we've lost the leading lady. But did you know that in Shakespeare's day, the women's roles were played by men? Fancy that. George-Michael, you know Steven's lines, yes?
George-Michael: Sort of.
Tobias: Fine, then you are my Benedict. And Steven Holt, where is Steven Holt?
Steve Holt: Steve Holt!
Tobias: Get ready for the acting challenge of your sweet, young life, fair lady, for you... are my Beatrice.
Steve Holt: ... Beatrice!
Tobias: I wish I could say the same for Steve Holt though. I don't know what the hell her problem is.
Michael: Her?
Tobias: Oh, I say that because I switched the parts. But it's still...eh...off. Perhaps! if she dressed like a woman.
Michael: She??
Tobias: Oh! for the love of god she's playing a woman!
George Michael: So I quit the play... I don't really like plays. Also, I think your dad thinks I'm gay.
Maeby: He thinks everyone's gay.
Narrator: On the next Arrested Development, Tobias gets a review of his Shakespeare play.
Tobias: Well I didn't get into this business to please sophomore Tracy Schwartzman. So... onward and upward. [cut to Tobias crying in the shower] Why, Tracy?! Why?!
[Michael leans on the Corn Baller]
Michael: Mother of God! Ohh....Every damn time! aww...this is a big one...
Michael: I gotta say, buddy, I'm in pretty good shape! You could be eating my dust all day long!
Buster: Well, you might -- [long extended BLEEP with Buster pointing excitedly]
Michael: Well, let's hope it doesn't come to that.
Buster: It's like she gets off by being withholding.
Gob: Look who's got something to say.
Buster: I'm Mom and I want to shoot down everything you say so I can feel good about myself. 'Cause I'm an uptight -- [Incredibly extended BLEEP] -- Buster! -- [Extended BLEEP] -- You old horny slut!
Michael: [pause] Well, no one's gonna top that.
Lucille: Would you like a candy bar, Buster? Oh wait . . . I'm withholding it. Look at me, getting off!
George Sr.: [regarding Buster] Maybe it was the eleven months he spent in the womb. The doctor said there were claw marks on the walls of her uterus. But he was her ‘miracle baby'. And I-I was just too burnt out on raising you guys to care. So ... he turned out a little soft, you know ...a little doughy.. I dunno. Maybe it was my fault. Maybe. Maybe I just ignored the guy. [the camera slow zooms out to show Buster sitting between Michael and George Sr.]
Buster: [After yawning for a long time] Wow. We're just blowing through nap time, aren't we?
Gob: And if I'm going to be staying here —
Lucille: Staying here? What, did that Mexican throw you out?
Gob: She's not "that Mexican," Mom. She's my Mexican. And she's Colombian or something. Anyway, it's over.
Lucille: You've got three days.
Gob: Hey ... if I can't find a horny immigrant by then, I don't deserve to stay here.
Michael: You were flying today, buddy.
Buster: Yes, I was flying. But a little too close to the sun.
Lucille: You let him go in the sun?!!
George Sr.: I never see you anymore, Michael.
Michael: You're in prison. And I was here yesterday.
George Sr.: Oh, yeah, that's .. that's .. I'm sorry. I couldn't break away from the poker game. Capital-G was down to his boxers.
Michael: Strip poker?
George Sr.: Yeah, and it's tough. We can really only play about .. two hands.
[Referring to how George Michael and Maeby should do the kiss in the play]
Tobias: With fully formed libidos, not two young men playing grab-ass in the shower.
[Buster is jumping and falling all over the place trying to catch a bird that flew into the house]
Lucille: Buster!
Buster: It's a bird!
Lucille: I know it's a bird. I'm on the phone!
Buster: It walked on my pillow!
Michael: Why do I have to take him?
Lucille: Because he's your brother. And you run around with everyone else: going on bike rides, making cornholes.
Michael: Mom, listen ...
Lucille: Everyone's laughing, and riding, and cornholing except Buster. And I know he's not the sharpest knife in the drawer but he's sensitive, Michael, and you could pretend to be interested in him.
Michael: Fine, he can hang out but he's going to work, okay? This is not going to be a day at the beach. [pan out to show that Buster is actually sitting next to them, wearing his bathing suit]
Buster: That's cool. Mom packed me a change of clothes.
Michael: Gob, what are you doing here? And why are you in your bath robe?
Gob: What's he doing here? And why is he in his bathing suit?
Buster: Mom dropped me off to spend some time with Michael.
Gob: To spend time with Michael? or to serve her own menopausal needs?
Michael: She's always got to wedge herself in the middle of us so that she can control everything.
Buster: Yeah... Mom's awesome... Maybe we should call her.


Gob: Let me ask you something, is this a business decision, or is it personal? 'Cause if it's business I'll go away happily. But if it's personal, I'll go away ... but I won't be happy.
Michael: ... It's personal.

[edit] Key Decisions [1.4]

Michael: Shouldn't Buster be spending his evenings with women that aren't so much ... his mother?
Lucille: He's a beautiful boy...they don't appreciate him. It's his glasses...they make him look like a lizard...plus he's self-conscious.
Michael: Gee, I wonder why.
Michael: Lindsay, you've got to cut back, okay? I'm even selling the corporate jet.
Lindsay: Great, now we don't have a car OR a jet? Why don't we just take an ad out in "I'm Poor" magazine?
Michael: Gob, you've found a woman who believes in you. You should make a commitment to her because life is short. Listen to me, I would give anything to be able to have that again. You know... a family. Nothing else matters.
Lucille: [walks in front door] Michael!
Michael: It's mom, hide!
White Power Bill: [as he's stabbing Gob] White power!
Gob: [gasping] I'm.. white..
Buster: [Not wearing his glasses] That's what you do when life hands you a chance to be with someone special. You just grab that brownish area by its points and you don't let go no matter what your mom says.
Lucille: [about Buster's new girlfriend] He doesn't even know what she looks like.
Buster: I know she's a brownish area... with points. And I know I love her!
Lucille: I'm calling Dr. Miller.
Michael: Listen, after we get that lot cleared, we're going to have enough money for you to neuter thousands of animals. You can make dogs and cats a complete thing of the past. No more dogs and cats.
Lindsay: I care deeply for nature.
Michael: You're wearing ostrich-skin boots.
Lindsay: Well, I don't care about ostriches.

[in the prison]

George Sr.: You idiot, you're going to get yourself killed!
GOB: Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize there weren't any magic fans in here.
Narrator: And Lucille was mingling with the elite of the Latino Television Academy.
Lucille: Can I get a vodka tonic, please? I'd like a vodka tonic, please. Vodka tonic, please. A sea of waiters, and no one will take a drink order.
Lucille: I'll be in the hospital bar.
Michael: Uh, you know there isn't a hospital bar, Mother.
Lucille: Well, this is why people hate hospitals.
Lucille: When's the last time you went on a date?
Michael: I just haven't met anybody who's not completely self-absorbed and impossible to have a conversation with.
Lucille: If that's a veiled criticism about me, I won't hear it and I won't respond to it.
Michael: Hmm... Maybe not.
Lindsay: ... Get out of our fucking tree.
Lindsay: I've always been very passionate about nature. Perhaps you remember Neuterfest?
Michael: Oh, I'll never forget your wedding.
Lindsay: You know, we're not the only ones destroying trees. What about beavers? You call yourself an environmentalist, why don't you go club a few beavers?
Lindsay: My husband Tobias and I used to do stuff like this all the time. I guess that's why I was so attracted to him, he was a serious and committed advocate for change.
Johnny Bark: Where is he now?
Lindsay: He's at a weekend stage fighting workshop with Carl Weathers.
Michael: [to Lindsay in the tree with Johnny Bark] Sorry Lindsay, I didn't realize you were up there!
Lindsay: Oh I'm up here Mike. And I'm not coming down. I'm going to save this tree no matter what it takes!
Michael: Okay. I'll see you when you realize what that bucket's for.
Warden: You really think you can break out of my prison?
Gob: You won't even know I was here.
Narrator: The warden was intrigued, less about the stunt and more about the prison beatings that this brash magician was sure to receive.

/After waking up from being stabbed in prison

Gob: Am I still in prison?
Lucille: You're in the hospital.
Gob: Ta-da.

[edit] Visiting Ours [1.5]

George Sr.: This game is never gonna happen. Look at this, half of these guys are still in their cuffs.
Michael: I hate to be a buzz-kill but I'm trying to get you out of here.
George Sr.: Yeah, well I'm trying to get us out of last place, Michael. We're playing [ww:Rahway#Rahway_State_Prison|Rahway]] next week. Word has it that they're getting Jose Canseco.
Lucille: [to waiter] Take it back. If I wanted something your thumb touched, I'd eat the inside of your ear.
George Michael: Well you always say "family first", I should see my grandpa, right?
Michael: Listen, I'm not stopping you, but just after this I'm not going back out there.
George Michael: Why? Is it scary?
Michael: Scary? No. It's the opposite of scary, it's like a carnival... Without the half-person on the skateboard that grabbed your knee to steady himself.
Narrator: The airport stairway vehicle was the last vestige of the Bluth family wealth. ...Also that House of Pies went out of business.
Gob: Take off your glasses. Oh ... wait, wait. Let down your hair. No, glasses on, hair back up. Let's just get that hair right back up.
Kitty: Let me turn the lights off.
Gob: Yes, yes, please.
Kitty: How's that? Is that better?
Gob: It just seems like there's still light coming in from under the door.
George Sr.: I just haven't had sex in a month.
Michael: You know, you've been here two months.
George Sr.: It's hard to gauge time.
Michael: Yeah, I'll bet.
Lucille: Did he say that? Does he miss his wife's embrace?
George Sr.: [in a flashback] Daddy horny, Michael.
Michael: He said some wonderful things.
Tobias: Ok, kids. Mommy and Daddy are going out for ice cream.
Maeby: Can we come?
Lindsay: Sorry, it's not for kids.
George Michael: Ok .. so, why are we doing this?
Maeby: 'Cause it's obvious they're lying. Come on, drive!
George Michael: Well, what if they see us?
Maeby: How are they going to see us?
George Michael: Well, it says "Bluth Company" right on the side, plus it's a stairway. That's gonna catch the eye.

[edit] Charity Drive [1.6]

Gob: But I'll tell you what. If you want to use my likeness for a Hamburglar-type character, I'll sign off on that. "Mr. Banana Grabber" or something.
Michael: Come on, face it. You just do all this charity crap just to stroke your ego. You don't even know what the auction's for tonight.
Lindsay: The wetlands.
Michael: To do what with them?
Lindsay: Dry them.
Michael: Save them.
Lindsay: From drying.
George Sr.: I'm under a lot of pressure here. I'm trying to get my newsletter off the ground. I'm trying to decide which gang to align myself with.
Michael: Is it pledge week already?
George Sr.: I've got it down to two. But honestly, I don't even want to choose. I just feel ... I feel like the prettiest girl at the dance.
Lindsay: Look, I screwed up, ok? I'm lost, and I hate them. I hate the Wetlands. They're stupid and wet, and there are bugs everywhere, and I think I maced a crane, Michael.
Michael: I mean, I guess it would just be a guy who you know, grabs bananas and runs. Or, um, a banana that grabs things. I don't know why. Why would a banana grab another banana? I mean, those are the kind of questions I don't want to answer.
[Michael asks the woman he thinks is Lucille's housekeeper where she is going]
Woman: Yo ... scared-o.
Michael: Izquierdo ... I know that word. Left turn it is, missus!


[edit] In God We Trust [1.7]

[at the prison]

Barry Zuckerkorn: Are all the guys in here.. you know? [referencing gay inmates]
George Sr.: Oh no, no. No, not all of them.
Barry Zuckerkorn: Yeah. It's never the ones you hope.
George Sr.: Hope?
Barry Zuckerkorn: Think.
Maeby: Ok. So I printed the fake airline ticket from my computer. If my parents miss this, I really might go to South America.
George Michael: That says Portugal.
Maeby: That's right.
Narrator: Maeby's parents didn't find the ticket. But Gob did.
Gob: Portugal?
Narrator: ..which confirmed his suspicions.
Gob: Gonna live it up down old South America way, huh Mikey?
Gob: Michael, I'm on to you! The Spanish lessons, the lawyer.. if you're heading for Portugal it's due south.
Michael: What? No it's not.
Michael: That doesn't even sound like me! That sounds like Mom. Or.. Bruce Vilanch. It could be Bruce Vilanch.
Barry Zuckerkorn: [to Lucille] What are you doing? Pilates? Because no forty year old woman should look like that.
Michael: Well, no forty year old woman does look like that.
Lucille: Oh, what'd she do, get you drunk?
Michael: No, we just, uh, well ... we—we did drink a little bit. How'd you know that?
Lucille: Because that's what she said she'd do. I said you wouldn't give her the money, and she said, ‘He will if I get him drunk.' Probably because she thinks you're a cheap bastard. Oh ... her words.
Audience member #1: Where's God?
Audience member #2: There is no God.
Michael: My mother is on her way up here, and she's resistant to the idea of hiring a new attorney. If she even sees you she probably won't come in the room.
Wayne: I shall duck behind that couch.
Michael: What a pro.
Lucille: You idiots! If George sees me here with Wayne..
Michael: We'll be stuck with Barry...
Wayne: I shall duck behind that little garbage cart.
Michael: The guy's a pro.

[edit] My Mother, The Car [1.8]

Michael: Hey, Mom. Remember we had that conversation about trying to cut back on things that aren't necessities?
Lucille: Like it was yesterday.
Michael: It was this morning.
Michael: Mom, you've already got two strikes on your record. You strike one more person and it's technically a spree.
Michael: Actually my head does not hurt at all. What did you give me?
Doctor: Your mother asked me to pump you full of...
Lucille: Children's aspirin.
Doctor Miller: Okay...
Lindsay: It's all I've ever wanted from you, Daddy - for you to spend money on me.
Buster: I've already got a Lucille in my life.
Lucille 2: I understand ... that's healthy.
Michael: She went from giddy to devastated. I mean, it would have been funny if it wasn't so ... no, it was kind of funny.
Maeby: We don't have to go, do we?
Michael: Come on, this is a Bluth family celebration ... it's no place for children.
Lindsay: It would just give dad one more reason to think that I've got nothing to offer but my looks.
Gob: Yeah, I got some of that ...[pauses to think] except he also didn't like my looks.
Lucille: You're my third least favorite child.
Michael: I can live with that.
Lucille: Get away from that stove, Buster -- you're going to light your hair on fire.
Doctor Miller: Oh my god, I'm getting my gauze!
Lucille: Buster, what's going on? What happened to your head?
Buster: Nothing. Gob was just teaching me how to hit it with a hammer.
George Sr.: I'm paying thousands of dollars in Krugerrands.
Lindsay: What?
George Sr.: Gold Krugerrands. Your mother snuck them in here, stuffed them in energy bar wrappers to keep me from getting strangled in the shower or worse.
Lindsay: Stabbed?
George Sr.: [pauses] ..In a way.
George Michael: I, uh .. need you to make some fake IDs for me and Maeby.
Gob: Like a passport?
George Michael: Yeah, yeah, that would be great. Oh, and, uh, preferably French. [longingly distant] I like the way they think.
Lucille: It's an idiot on a scooter at night. It's got to be Gob.
Buster: Um, is it okay if I do it for Mom and not you?
Michael: Yeah.
Buster: Because I really like Mom.
Michael: We know.
Lindsay: I mean, it's always been "Michael's got the brains, Gob's got the charm, Buster's got the .."
George Sr.: High-fastening pants.
Lindsay: You said that?
George Sr.: No, I'm saying that now.
Michael: I can't believe she got that driver's license renewed.
Gob: She didn't. I dummied her up a new one. Not my best work, though. She wanted to look 48. I nearly airbrushed her into oblivion. Ended up checking "albino" in the form.
GOB: So forgive me if I don't blow my mother's skirt up.
Michael: ..'Blow her socks off.'
GOB: [pauses] Oh yeah, I could do that. [walks off]
Gob: I was half way to South America, but I couldn't let you get away with it, Mom. 'Cause we're brothers, and we kinda like eachother.
Michael: You were going to South America?
Gob: ...I don't think so.

[edit] Storming the Castle [1.9]

Lindsay: Oh you'll never be able to do it. You're too good. You're the noble one.
Michael: Thank you.
Lindsay: The one who never wins.
Michael: I don't know about that.
Lindsay: The loser. The fool.
Maeby: [to George Michael] Your legs look exactly like mine. And I just shaved mine!
George Michael: So I'm thinking about getting a motorcycle.
Michael: I'm a saint, you know. I'm a living saint, and I get absolutely nothing out of it.
Lindsay: Well, you get a false feeling of superiority.
Michael: That is nice, but this time it's not enough.
Buster: And I'm going to continue dating, Mom.
Michael: It sounds a little bit like 'dating Mom'.
Buster: It's starting to feel a little like it.
Lucille: Oh, don't give me that look. I happen to be a more caring mother than most.
Buster: Where's my bed?
Lucille: I put it in storage. You're just going to have to decide which Lucille you're going to be spending your nights with.
[about Lucille 2's relationship with Buster]
Lucille: She's been a family friend for years... It's just.. creepy!
Michael: Mom, I think you might be overreacting.
Lucille: She changed him as a baby!
Michael: Ok, that's - that's about the creepiest thing I've ever heard.
Buster: That's why she didn't look surprised.
Michael: Call me what you want...
Lindsay: An impotent man-boy?
Lucille: You're the only one who chose a spouse I liked and she's the one who had to die.
Michael: I know, that's - that's rough for you.
Marta: I can't believe the legs would screw him like this!
Michael: Mom, I'm looking for Gob. There's some people after him, and I don't know whether it's gambling or what, but they want to break his legs.
Lucille: It's a good thing he's already got that little scooter!
Michael: Since when are you against leather?
Maeby: Yeah, you're not even a vegetarian.
Lindsay: Well, I'm not against the insides. I mean, people need meat to survive.
Michael: You are aware they don't remove it surgically, right?
Tobias: Do you have anything that says 'Dad Likes Leather'?
Leather Shop Assistant: Something that says "Leather daddy"?
Tobias: Oh, is there such a thing?
Tobias: Take me to the Gothic Castle.
Cab Driver: Gothic Arsehole, right mate.
[on arriving]
Tobias: I'm looking for the magic!

[edit] Pier Pressure [1.10]

George Michael" "It's me. I was going to smoke the marijuana like a cigarette."


Michael: Your Uncle Gob seems to think that he saw you down at the docks today. Was that you?
George Michael: No. Maybe it was the other George Michael. You know, the singer-songwriter.
Michael: Yeah, that makes sense.
Lucille: [to Lindsay] I don't criticize you! And if you're worried about criticism, sometimes a diet is the best defense.
Maeby: [working with Lucille] This is so much fun. I can't believe my mom thought being here would be a punishment.
Lucille: Oh, she thinks I'm too critical. That's another fault of hers.
Michael: You mean you taught me a lesson not to teach lessons?
George Sr.: It was my last lesson.
Gob: What? Oh, no! It's the cops! Oh! And a .. construction worker.
Gob: [about the fake cops] These guys are pros, Michael. They're gonna push the tension till the last possible moment before they strip.
Michael: They're not going to strip, are they?
Gob: I told them not to, but I can't promise that their instincts won't kick in.
[flashback to childhood car ride]
Young Gob: [making the young Buster slap his own face with his hand] Why are you hitting yourself? Why are you hitting yourself? Why are you hitting yourself?
Lindsay: [about the brooch] You know I wanted that.
Lucille: I know. But it's an elephant. And I didn't want to invite the comparison.
Michael: I want the guy with the one arm and the fake blood. J. Walter Weatherman. How do I get a hold of him?
George Sr.: Well, he's, uh, dead. You killed him when you left the door open with the air conditioner on.
Michael: He's lying to me. Can you believe that? Where the hell is this family's morality?
[A puff of smoke suddenly comes out of Gob's mouth]
Gob: I don't know.
Michael: What?
Gob: It's cold out here.
Buster: [about Lucille 2] And her nausea's gotten really bad, too. It's really been difficult on us. It's definitely taking its toll.
Michael: Well, you know, you're free to go, pal. It's not like you made a commitment to this woman.
Buster: Well, I didn't make a commitment ... I did refer to it as our nausea. But you know, that's when we were going at it really hot and heavy.
Michael: Well, now it's my nausea.
Michael: Tell you what. I'm going to give you the cash, but in return, I get to ask you for a favor sometime.
Gob: My gut is telling me no. But my gut is also very hungry.
Gob: What cops?! These are strippers! Look how hot they are!!
Gob: Alright, kid...let's deal some drugs.
Buster: [taking the incapacitated Gob's hand and making him slap his own face with it] Why are YOU hitting yourself?! Why are YOU hitting yourself?!
[flashback to car ride]
Young George Sr.: Will you kids keep it down in back?!
[Car hits pedestrian, whose secretly prosthetic arm is severed and lands on bonnet of car. Screams from Bluth siblings.]
Young George Sr.: Oh my God! This innocent man's arm has come off! This would never have happened if we hadn't had to go out for milk!
J. Walter Weatherman: And that's why you always leave a note.

[edit] Public Relations [1.11]

Jessie: And Tobias, you're a medical doctor and you're living an absurd fantasy as an actor. It's time to get real.
Tobias: Wow. It's a tough talk, but I like it. You're saying "land a major film".
Jessie: We need to make Michael the new face of the Bluth company. He's the only likable one in the bunch, no offense.
Michael: None taken.
Jessie: There are very few intelligent, attractive, and straight men in this town.
Tobias: Well, that certainly leaves me out.
[awkward pause, everyone looks at Tobias]
Tobias: You said single, right? She said single.
Reporter: Where's Earl Milford?
Gob: I-I don't know. I put him in a box. I didn't kill him, alright? And don't edit this for your broadcast so it looks like I'm screaming,
[Cut to Fox6 News]

"I killed Earl Milford!"

John Beard: Startling confession tonight at 11:00.
Jessie: Your father's religious now? We'll play that up. It's very sympathetic.
Lucille: Yeah. Who doesn't love the Jews?
Lindsay: [to Michael] So, you didn't get any while you were in high school, and now you're not going to get any while George Michael's in high school.
Lucille: I'll have the Ike and Tina tuna.
Waitress: Plate or platter?
Lucille: I don't understand the question, and I won't respond to it.
George Sr.: Gentlemen, we do not wave our genitals at one another to make a point!
Jessie: Daddy lost his shot at happy and it's all your fault, Opie.
Narrator (Ron Howard): Jessie had gone too far and she had best watch her mouth.

[edit] Marta Complex [1.12]

Lucille: You tricked me.
Michael: I deceived you, Mom. Trick makes it sound like we have a playful relationship.
Lucille: Touché.
Buster: Good one mom! [spanks Lucille]
Lucille: What the hell was that? A son doesn't spank mother.
Buster: Sorry. I got my Lucille's confused. [walks over a spanks Lucille 2]
Lucille 2: What was that?!
Buster: I dunno.. 'you don't spank mother'.
Lucille 2: Well, you can add me to that list.
Buster: Ok. Neither.
Gob: Oh, I see. She wants to talk to you. For some reason women feel safe around you. Maybe it's because you've only had sex four times.
Michael: Not four times, four women! And they talk to me because I talk to them!
Maeby: That's it! Tell me what's up with you and Dad.
Lindsay: Nothing. Nothing's wrong with your father and me. We have a-a wonderful, close relationship. Can I let you in on a little secret? Hm? Having him in the next room makes me miss him all the more.
Maeby: Mom, please. He's got a big boy crush on Action Jackson.
George Sr.: Hey, Bruno, any chance that the hole is available between 4:00 and 6:00?
Lucille: I don't even want to know what that means.
Lucille 2: Buster, this is exactly why our relationship does not work.
Buster: Our relationship doesn't work?
Lucille 2: No, not as long as you keep getting me all mixed up with your mother.
Buster: It is exactly the opposite. I'm leaving my mother for you. You're replacing my mother.
Carl Weathers: [answering the door] Hey Buster, I thought you had class
Buster: I thought you had class. I'm gone for a while and you move in on my girlfriend??
Carl Weathers: Now wait a minute. This is just purely a social call. You know, just two adults getting a stew on, man.
Buster: I don't know what that means, but it sounds disgusting.
Lucille 2: [arriving] Hey Buster, I thought you had class.
Buster: I thought you had class.
Lindsay: [to George Michael] We're all just going to have a more normal arrangement. I'm going to sleep with my daughter, and you're going to sleep with my husband.
Lucille: Blow.
[Holds out tissue]
Buster: No, Mother! I can blow myself!
Maeby: So do you want to go to the movies?
[George Michael pricks off a small piece of Maeby's hair with a tweezer and walks past her]
Maeby: Ow!
George Michael: I'll let you know when I get back from the lab.

[edit] Beef Consommé [1.13]

Tobias: When a man needs to prove to a woman that he's actually.. When a man loves a woman, and he actually wants to make love, um, to her, something very, very special happens. And with deep, deep concentration and great focus he is often able to achieve an erec...
George Michael: I'm sorry, I'm going to stop you here. I didn't mean babies in general.
Tobias: Oh good, 'cause it was about to get a little - eww - gross.
Michael: That's one of the things that attracted me to you; your sense of right and wrong. I also like your hair and your face and your breasts.
Barry Zuckerkorn: It would help if you would all show up looking like a loving, supportive family.
Lucille: For how long?
Barry Zuckerkorn: Ten minutes tops.
Lucille: See if you can get it down to five.
Marta: You are nothing like your brother.
Michael: Why thank you.
Marta: Gob is like the cock of the walk, but not you.
Michael: You're so kind.
Marta: You're sensitive, like a woman.
Michael: That's enough.
Gob: Hey, guy ... They tell me you're the actor who plays Marta's brother Tio.
Tio: ¿Cómo?
Gob: Oh you're going to be in a como, all right.
[Michael remembers he has to appear in court to support his father]
Michael: My father's ... hearing.
Marta: With my father, it is the vision.
George Michael: Uncle Gob, was Aunt Lindsay ever pregnant?
Gob: Yeah, sure, dozens of times.
[Maeby walks down to see her parents fighting]
Lindsay: I'm saying every time something starts to go well for you, you blow it.
Tobias: Nothing has ever gone well for me and you know it!
Lindsay: That's my point, you...[sees Maeby] ... handsome cowboy, you.
Tobias: Oh, great. And now you're mocking me. You selfish cun.. [sees Maeby] ...ntry-music-loving lady.
Gob: [to Michael] Tell you what. You may not be good with women, but you are great with other people's women. I'll give you that.
Michael: Mom wanted me to tell you that she doesn't care whether you live or die, but if you're not dead, she would like to see you at the courthouse tomorrow in a blue sweater.
Buster: Damn it! I hate the blue sweater.
Michael: She said it would look nice with the gray pants.
Buster: Damn it! She's right.
Michael: [to Marta] Hi. My brother said we can do it. That didn't come out as romantic as I'd hoped, but ...
Gob: Where am I? Am I in two-thirds of a hospital room?
George Sr.: Where the hell is everybody?!
Gob: I'm here dad!
George Sr.: I can't believe nobody came!
[Buster walks into the courthouse with a mariachi band]
Lucille: Oh, for God's sake. He's on his own for two days, and he joins a gang.
Barry Zuckerkorn: Sorry, sorry, sorry I'm so late. I had another hearing. Here's the good news: I think I'm going to get off, huh? I have a good lawyer.
Judge Ping: [Reading off George Sr.'s crimes] Conspiracy, racketeering, evidence tampering, fraud, theft, grand theft, petty theft.
Barry Zuckerkorn: Wow, I-I did not get that page.
[After Marta breaks up with both Gob and Michael]
Buster: Wait, wait. What about - what about me?
Marta: I'm sorry, I'm not totally sure who you are.
Buster: Wow. Wow. That's what it feels like to get punched in the face.

[edit] Shock and Aww [1.14]

Narrator: GOB mistook Michael's basic human decency for romantic interest, and felt the need to step in.
Narrator: Michael was sharing his bed for the first time in years ... unfortunately, it was with his younger brother, Buster.
Michael: Is it just me, or does this rape room have the same floor plan as our kitchen?
Lucille: Michael, the little Korean is here and I don't know what to do with him. At least I think it's a him. You've got to strip them down to next to nothing before you can tell.
Gob: Oh N'gar-mad: you've got a moustache. I mean: you've got milk on your moustache! I mean you've got a milk moustache!

While signing the papers to adopt a Korean child

Lucille: Well! Maybe I'll get a son who will finish his cottage cheese.
Michael: What would Saddam do?
Lindsay: It's George Michael, he told me. I think he wants a mother.
Michael: Well that's ridiculous. He's got you, he's got our mother. You'd think that would turn him off to the entire concept.
Ms. Baerly: Sweet ride. Are you making dinner reservations?
Michael: No, no. That was my mom. She just had a little Korean dropped off.
Ms. Baerly: Ooh, that sounds good. Let's have that.
Lucille: I don't have the milk of mother's kindness in me anymore.
Michael: Yeah. That udder's been dry for a while though, hasn't it?
Gob: George Michael, what are you doing at a high school dance?
Ms Baerly: Oh wow! Did you make this for me? This is so sweet! I love Hussein.
Michael: ...You mean you're interested in him..
Ms Baerly: Oh, yes, he is a monster.
Michael: I don't think us sleeping together is working out. You're a grown man. You should be living with your mother.
Buster: Yeah. I miss mom.
Michael: I can tell.
George Michael: I can't, I don't want to let down Miss Baerly. She's interesting...
Lindsay: And pretty?
George Michael: Well... [grins]. I don't know why I'm tell you this. I guess there are some things you just can't really say to your dad.
Lindsay: It sounds like you 'd like her to be more than just your teacher.
Narrator: Lindsay believed that George Michael wanted to fix up his father, in order to fill the role of his mother.
Lindsay: There's nothing wrong with that. Though..I am a little hurt that you haven't considered me.
George Michael: [uncomfortable] ..You're my aunt..
Lindsay: Pssh. That doesn't matter. Aunts can fill that role. Teachers can fill that role. And some day, you'll find the right girl to fill that role. Until then, I'm right across the hall. [leaves the room]
Narrator: Lindsay had never been more proud of anything she had said in her life.
George Michael: Yikes..
Michael: Lindsay. Thank you so much. He doesn't want me to marry Miss Baerly. He wants to marry Miss Baerly.
Lindsay: Wow. I got that totally wrong. Oh well, no harm no foul.
[flashback to last night]
Lindsay: [throwing herself at George Michael's door] George Michael, open up! I want you to need me!

[returned to the present]

Lindsay: [nods, determined] I should console him.

[edit] Staff Infection [1.15]

White Power Bill: [hits man with pipe] I have worse plans for you if you keep trying to convert my team!
George Sr.: Ok, hold it, hold ... hold it now ... Now I'm doing no such thing; both of our religions have a lot to offer. There's the Jewish notion of heaven, and that it can be attained here on Earth. And there is your belief ... in the cleansing power of the pipe.
Lindsay: Dad hired me out of college.
Michael: You quit college.
Lindsay: Yeah, well I had a job. What was the point?
Lindsay: Well, you and I have different management styles. I believe work should be fun, and you try to crush people's spirits. What's next, Michael? Are you going to make dancing illegal? Is this the tiny town from Footloose?
Buster: [to Gob] That's not how a chicken sounds! Chickens don't clap!
Annyong: I went to beach once. Next thing you know, I in crate next to pig.
Tobias: Alright, let's discuss this bunking situation!
White Power Bill: You're gonna be sleepin' under me for a while.
George Sr.: [to Tobias] I sold you for a pack of cigarettes.
Tobias: [in a therapy session with White Power Bill] Maybe White Power Bill really hates . . . White Power Bill.
[cut to White Power Bill on the prison catwalk]
White Power Bill: I hate White Power Bill! [jumps]
Tobias: Lindsay, say something to scare me.
Lindsay: F-[BLEEP] me.
Tobias: Nope, nothing. Thanks for trying, though.
Michael: Thanks for coming out, buddy. I've been dying to get some time with you, I really have.
George Michael: That's okay. I know how much you care about me. Unfortunately, so does the federal government.
Michael: [about Buster] He's not a chicken. He just doesn't like confined spaces, that's all.
Gob: I thought it was open spaces.
Buster: No, it's both.
Buster: I'm a scholar. I enjoy scholarly pursuits.
Lucille: Suddenly, playing with yourself is a scholarly pursuit.
Michael: How'd you know I was here?
Gob: I called the office. You know, that Kitty is starting to sound pretty damn sexy to me. Maybe I ought to -
Michael: That was Lindsay.
Gob: Oh...
Michael: Yeah.

[edit] Missing Kitty [1.16]

Lindsay: Speaking of which, have we gotten anything from Nana?
Michael: Buster got a perforated heart and Gob got that receding hairline, but you and I pretty much dodged the bullet.
Narrator: As Gob was forced to send away someone he loved, George Sr. was forced to visit someone he had once tried to shove out of a moving car.
George Sr.: What are you doing firing Kitty? You can't fire Kitty. First of all, you don't have hiring and firing power.
Michael: I do, and I had to -- she's crazy.
George Sr.: Well, that's why you don't fire her. You don't fire crazy. You never fire crazy.
Narrator: And Michael realized that he was doing to his son what his father had done to him, so he came up with a solution.
Michael: [to George Michael] You're fired.
George Michael: [excited] Really?! [hesitates]..Can you fire people?
Maeby: The only real way to find out how it's done is to sneak on the boat while he does it.
George Michael: Yeah, but then if he makes it disappear, won't everyone just see me standing there?
Maeby: Let's just sit quietly and consider how ridiculous that statement was ... Anyway, if it was me, that's what I would do.
George Michael: [Picks up phone] Good afternoon, Bluth company. Talk you off? Talk you off of what, Pop-pop?
George Sr.: George Michael. Oh. Hey, I thought you were .. When's that voice going to drop?
Lindsay: Where's Nana?
Lucille: I sent her on a wonderful cruise. You just missed a wonderful call from her. She just came back from a wonderful costume party that the captain threw. She gained ten pounds, there's so much food on that boat. She's up to 74. She tried pesto for the first time. Imagine that, 92 years old and she never tried pesto. It was wonderful. Just wonderful.
Narrator: In fact, Lucille's mother had been dead for six months.
Gob: [to George Michael] Maybe we'll meet a couple of young coeds along the way. How young is too young for you?
Michael: Ok, that's not going to happen. Ok? There's not gonna be any coeds. There certainly isn't going to be any magic. [to George Michael] It is a path to a lonely life where people mock you, and you don't even realize it.
Gob: Um, Michael, I'm a magici - Oh, I see what you did.

[edit] Altar Egos (1) [1.17]

George Sr.: Hi ... this is not what it looks like ...
Lucille: It looks like you're tweaking her nipples through a chain-link fence.
George Sr.: Yep ... yeah, that's it.
Michael: I'm not a one night stand kinda guy, I don't like lying to women
Gob: These are lawyers, thats latin for liar
Lindsay: I'll tell you what. I'll take you down to see Nana if you split the money with me 60-40.
Maeby: 55-55.
Lindsay: Deal.
Michael: Sounds like you guys are getting more than you think.
Lindsay: We should go now before your Dad gets back. No need going halfsies with him, too.
Barry Zuckerkorn: Do you want to read it?
Michael: No, it is thick. Why don't we just take it?
Barry Zuckerkorn: I could kiss you on the nuts.
Michael: Yeah, well -- what?
Michael: [regarding Maggie] I certainly can't take advantage of her now, knowing what I know.
Gob: What? No, Michael, you can. Don't you ... ? You just won the gold medal at the sexual Special Olympics. She can't ever find you again. Don't you see that you're so lucky? God, how do you not ... ?
Gob: Michael, you can save this family. Please, do the right thing here. String this blind girl along so that Dad doesn't have to pay his debt to society.
Barry Zuckerkorn: The solution to all our problems is staring you right in the face, and it can't even see you.
Gob: You should'a stayed with me last night. You could've seen me get some major action. From a major blonde. Who just majored in marine biology, if you know what I mean.
Michael: I don't know what you mean. I can't imagine what that means.
Lucille: Your father with his disgusting tweaking. I couldn't breast feed any of you kids because of that man.
[Everyone groans except for Barry Zuckerkorn]
Barry Zuckerkorn: They still look fabulous.
Michael: Boy, the lengths you'll go to sleep with a woman.
Gob: Believe me, we didn't do any sleeping. I had sex last night.
Narrator: But he really didn't.
Gob: Yes, I did.
Gob: I told you to walk away. I told you to give a fake name.
Michael: I did. Thanks very much. I'm Chareth Cutestory, a pirate lawyer. It was airtight.
Michael: I actually had a pretty interesting night myself.
Gob: Really? What'd you do, read the plea?
Michael: No. Actually, I went home with someone.
Gob: What's wrong with her?
Michael: There's nothing wrong with her. [pause] She is blind..
Narrator: That morning, however, she had some startling news for him.
Cindi: I'm a mole.
George Sr.: Well, you know, God - God doesn't care how big your teeth are. Yes, you could go to a dentist and you could, whoo - you could grind off about - I don't know - 30%. Maybe more. Yeah, I wouldn't miss it.

[edit] Justice is Blind (2) [1.18]

Maggie: It's like the ten commandments saying, you know. "Be true to thine own self, and to thine own self.."
Michael: "... be true." Yeah, number seven.
Gob: And now you love the ten commandments. And yet you're the one who so conveniently forgot "Thou shalt protect thy father and honor no one above him unless it be-ith me, thy sweet Lord."
Michael: I'm not sure that one made it down the mountain, Gob.
Maggie: So, what about us? We were starting to establish some trust. Except for all the lies.
Maggie: Did you ever see him return from these trips with anything unusual?
Buster: He once came back once with a black statue with an erect penis. It stayed in our living room until my aunt objected.
Maeby: Plus, who's going to get mad at the dying girl?
George Michael: Surely's dying?
Maeby: I figure I'll kill her off just before graduation just so everyone gets really sad before prom.
Surely: And this is the man who inspired me. George Michael Bluth. He is the one who is responsible for the new ramps at our school, and he will carry on my legacy, and put an end to BS!
George Michael: Surely can beat this thing!
All: [chanting] No more BS! No more BS!
Lindsay: I've always been very passionate about the separation of church and state.
Michael: What are you going to do with them?
Lindsay: Oh, I don't know. Give them to a school.

[edit] Best Man for the Gob [1.19]

Lindsay: This is ridiculous. Why do we even have to do this?
Tobias: We are doing this to keep our family together.
Lindsay: No, I'm serious. Look at us. We're dressed like we're in the 60s. It's the 21st century, you should be dressing like it's the 80s.
Tobias: This family is not about to start using. We are pushers, not takers.
Michael: I though Zenotab was supposed to make everything a little bit better.
Lindsay: For fifteen minutes. Then it burns when you pee and your marriage goes to hell.
Michael: Let me tell you something. You may not be a father, but you are my brother.
Gob: I might be a father.
Buster: Where'd Annyong get that juice box?
Annyong: Annyong.
Lucille: Those are for his soccer team. No sugar for you. You just get more awful.
Lindsay: I'm tired of trying to find happiness through lies and self-medicating. If you need me, I'll be at the bar.
Gob: Lie to her. Tell her that I'm insensitive and unreliable.
Michael: Maybe something about how you can never confront people and you need someone else to clean up your messes.
Gob: See, that's great ... and that's just off the top of your head.
Narrator: And Michael tried to find the money the accountant said was missing.
George Sr.: I don't know. I probably stole it. I mean, if he says it's missing, it is. Unless he stole it. Hey, maybe he stole it.
Michael: He's the one who said it's missing.
George Sr.: Yeah, I probably stole it.
George Sr.: Gilligan has promised me that all this money will be safe in IRAs.
Ira Gilligan: It's Ira, sir.
George Sr.: Oh, I'm sorry, Gilligan. Will be safe in Iras.
[Sees Buster and the stripper both knocked out]
Michael: I'm calling the cops.
Bix: We're changing again, guys.
Gob: Gilligan killed the skipper .. stripper!
George Michael: The-the problem I'm having is, uh .. I have a pretty finely tuned internal clock.
Michael: Mm-hmm.
George Michael: Which is actually why I'm such a good natural percussionist.
Michael: Not everything is strippers and booze and buckets of blood. Why do you guys have buckets of blood?
Gob: It's not real blood. It's, um, corn syrup and red dye. Juice.
Buster: We have unlimited juice? [laughs] This party is going to be off the hook.
Michael: You're making Dad your best man? That's great. I guess being your brother and solving all your problems for you doesn't qualify me as your best man.
Gob: Hey, if he wants to support me, I'm not going to tell him to go to hell. Don't worry. You're still -
Michael: What, invited?
Gob: No, I was going to say you're still the guy I want solving my problems. But, yeah, let me talk to Dad about that invite .. situation.
Gob: I've got the marriage and none of the good parts. It's like so far it's been all chain and no ball.
Tobias: As you may or may not know, Lindsay and I have hit a bit of a rough patch.
Michael: Really? When did that start?
Tobias: Well, I don't want to blame it all on 9/11, but it certainly didn't help.
Gob's Wife: Gob. I want out. I'm in love with your brother ..
Gob: What?! [turns to Michael] You did it again, you son of a bitch! [punches and knocks out Michael]
Gob's Wife: .. In-law. Tobias. Sorry. I should have finished that thought.

[edit] Whistler’s Mother' [1.20]

Lindsey: [As she is being hosed down while protesting in a cage] All your water's doing is whetting my appetite for protest. No hair for oil! No hair for oil!
Michael: Mom, why are you squeezing me with your body?
Lucille: It's a hug, Michael; I'm hugging you.
Michael: Well, why?
Lucille: Because you need your mother right now.
Michael: But I don't get along with m -— Sorry, that was, that was a knee jerk.
Lucille: Buster's jaw clicks when he eats. I think it's what's driving his friends away. I sent him to Canada for an operation, so I'll need some of that new money that just came in.
Michael: You know, Mom, if you want an operation that's really going to help him, you ought to have them finally cut that cord.
George Sr.: Michael, this is my brother. Do you know what it's like to have a sibling who has no source of income, except for you?
Michael: Just one? No, no idea. It sounds wonderful, though.
Lindsay: I'm protesting the war. There's a war going on, you know.
Maeby: Yeah. I'm the one who told you, and you said it happened ten years ago.
Michael: Is this about the money?
Gob: No.
Michael: What do you want?
Gob: I mean, it's not about money in the sense that I'm coming here saying, "Here, Michael. Take some money." It's just more of a "may I have some?" kind of visit.
Maeby: It all adds up. He stole somebody's hair, made a wig, knocked out the guard, tunnelled his way through a sewer line, and then stopped to get a candy apple on his way to Mexico!
George Michael: Of course! [slight pause] You're mocking me.
Maeby: Of course.
Gob's Wife: I'm in love with your brother-in-law.
Gob: [disgusted] You're in love with your own brother? The one in the army?
Gob's Wife: No, your sister's husband.
Gob: Michael? Michael!
Gob's Wife: [exasperatedly] No, that's your sister's brother.
Gob: No, I'm my sister's brother! [satisfied] You're in love with me - me.
Gob's Wife: I'm in love with Tobias.
Gob: [puzzled] My brother-in-law?
Gob's Wife: I know it can never be, so I'm leaving. I'm enlisting in the army.
Gob: To be with your brother...
Gob's Wife: No!
Tobias: I just need to prove to my wife that I can act like a man. And it's not about sex. I don't just lie there, if that's what you're thinking.
Michael: That's not what I was thinking.
Tobias: Well, I've always wanted to remake Annie Hall. Except, I wouldn't want to get in bed with a green producer like a Sofia Coppola, though. Oh, but give me an old pro like a Robert Redford. Oh, I'd jump into bed with him in a second. And I wouldn't just lie there, Michael Bluth, if that's what you're thinking.
Michael: Actually, that time, that was what I was thinking.
Lucille: Why have we been spending so much money on whistles?

[edit] Not Without My Daughter [1.21]

[watching a Girls with Low Self-Esteem video for Gob's magic act]
Gob: Oh, here it is. Here it is.
Announcer: It was a wild time on the beach, and if you like magic, look away. The only thing this guy could make fly away was the crowd.
Tobias: [falsetto] Douche chill!
George Michael: Hey dad, do you think this purse goes with this outfit? Where’d my dad go?
Tobias: [falsetto] Douche chill!
George Michael: There are certain things that I can talk to you about that I can't really with my dad...like, uh, were you ever awkward around girls?
Gob: What do you mean?... Like if there were three of us and I didn't know where to start? No, I think I did pretty well. I didn't get any complaints, at least not from the girl. And he had to drive her home, so I think I did pretty good, pretty good.
Gob: What do you use for misdirection?
Lindsay: Misdirection?
Gob: Yeah, I mean if you're SO good at magic, what'd you have them looking at to divert their attention?
Lindsay: Uh, I dunno...my ass.
Gob: MY ass, you're lying!
Lindsay: Michael, it was shoplifting and I'm white. I think I'm going to be OK.
Michael: Hey Mom, why can't Buster pretend to be your escort? That's the way he's got it in all his cartoons.
Michael: I gave you permission to use the yacht. You blew it up.
Gob: Yeah, well, if you give someone permission to use a tissue, you can't be upset if they blow their nose. Right? I mean ...
Lindsay: Well, they expect a certain amount of theft, Michael. It's built into the price. If I didn't take it, then people would be overpaying for nothing.
Oscar: Ok, but I never meant to break up your family. Your mom called me for a reason. I-I don't think she's happy.
Buster: No, she's happy. She's just mean all the time.
Michael: [answering cell phone] Hello? Oh, hey, George Michael. Uh, I'm sorry? In your pants? I'll be right there. [hangs up phone] Um, my son has an emergency.
Detective Fellows: You know, there's a Grover book: "I Can't Hold It In." Worked for us.
Michael: What? What's going on?
Annyong: Okay. Mother want someone to go to my soccer game with. She don't want other soccer moms think that she is single mother. She old school.
Michael: I liked it better when he just said "Annyong."
Michael: Lindsay, new outfit?
Lindsay: This? No, I've had this for years. I think it's a hand-me-down from Mom.
Michael: You got a price tag. Right there.
Lindsay: Is there? I guess she wanted me to have something new. Sweet old thing.
Michael: Only two of those words describe Mom, so I know you're lying to me.
Michael: What about the outfit yesterday?
Lindsay: Old thing gave it to me.
Tobias: I must warn you, Michael, she doesn't respond well to strict directives.
Maeby: All right.
Tobias: That was odd.
Michael: Not really. Kids love boundaries. I mean, look at these girls. [Talking about the "Girls with Low Self-Esteem" tape] Is this what you want?
Tobias: Oh, God, no.
Michael: This could be where your daughter is headed.
Tobias: Oh, no, no, I don't want this for Maeby either.
Patient: There's like this longing .. this pull. I mean, does that make me, you know, like, some kind of .. ?
Young Maeby: Homosexual.
Tobias: Maeby, please. She's right, though, you probably are a homosexual.
George Michael: Say what you want about America, thirteen bucks still gets you a helluva lot of mice!
Gob: Who said anything bad about America?

[edit] Let ‘Em Eat Cake [1.22]

Gob: Oh. Good. Well, I’ll start my own business. How hard can it be? [Buzzes] We’ll see who brings in more honey. [Buzzes and walks off]
Michael: He's thinking about bees again.
Lindsay: Is that a shot at me? Because, for your information, I have a job.
Michael: Really? What kind of job?
Lindsay: Beads.
Gob: Bees?!
Lindsay: Beads!
Gob: Beads?!
Michael: Gob's not on board.
Gob: The zero hour, Michael. It's the end of the line. I'm the firstborn. Sick of playing second fiddle. Always third in line for everything. Tired of finishing fourth. Being the fifth wheel. [thinks for a moment] There are six things I'm mad about, and I'm taking over.
Tobias: I was walking down a strange place today, a place I've never set foot in before.
Narrator: Tobias, walking down a street he'd been down many times, saw a book he'd written years earlier as a psychiatrist ["The Man Inside Me"]. The book, initially unsuccessful, had suddenly caught fire .. although strangely, only in the gay community.
Tobias: For there's a man inside me, and only when he's finally out, I can walk free of pain.
Gob: I'll tell them, Michael. I won't do it. I'm afraid of what I might know..
George Sr.: Nobody wants you, [to Barry] does anyone want him?
Barry: Who'd want him?
Lucille: [to Gob] They don't want you.
Michael: I might not be the best witness either. I got a call from Kitty this morning.
Barry Zuckerkorn: Your secretary?
George Sr.: My secretary.
Michael: She says that she's got some evidence and she's threatening to bring down the company unless we meet her demands.
Gob: Oh, that is just great. Now I'm expected to climb back on top of Kitty and do my thing again. I mean, this family runs into problems and it's "Oh, let's have Gob [bleep] our way out of it."
Barry Zuckerkorn: Our star witness. Come here. Good to see you. [Barry kissed Michael on the cheek] You know what? Don't get too close to me. 'Cause I've got an itch you can't believe. I think something laid eggs on me.
Michael: Thanks for the heads up.
Lindsay: Look, I need to become self-reliant. It's not going to last with Tobias. He's completely oblivious. He's got no idea how I'm feeling or thinking.
Michael: So, there's no sex?
Lindsay: I mean, how do you not have sex with me?
Michael: It is a struggle.
Kitty: Gob, this is your time. With my help, knowing what I know, we could take over the Bluth Company together.
Gob: Wow, this is a side of you I'd never noticed before. Have they always been that big?
GOB: I'll handle this one, Michael. [to Lindsay] It'll take a lot more than a heart attack to kill that old bear. [while sobbing] Old bear! He likes the honey! He never got a chance to see my bee business take off.
Michael: Hey, GOB, dad's gonna be around another ten years. Your business, well, might not.
Gob: You're a good brother, Michael. Heart attack never stopped - old big bear!
Buster: I didn't even know we were calling him 'big bear'! [starting to cry]
Gob: [still sobbing] We never had the chance to!

[edit] Season 2

[edit] The One Where Michael Leaves [2.1]

Michael: Yes I do, but that is not a family, okay? They’re a bunch of greedy, selfish people who have our nose. And Aunt Lindsay.
George Michael: She’s not my real aunt?
Michael: Not her real nose. Got a picture of her when she’s fourteen in a swimming cap. She looks like a falcon.
Annyong: I do it. I play Uncle Sam. Better than the part I have now. Guy who order strike on Pearl Harbor.
Tobias: Oh, no, no. I’m not in the group yet. No, I’m afraid I just blue myself.
Michael: There's got to be a better way to say that.
Dr. Fishman: It - it looks like he's dead.
GOB: Oh little guy! the tears aren't commin'! the tears just aren't commin'!
Michael: Just to be clear. Looks like he’s dead, or he is dead?
Dr. Fishman: It just looks like he’s dead. He’s got like blue paint on him or something. But he’s going to be fine.
G.O.B.: I’ve got the proof, Michael. Dad’s signed contract with Saddam.
Buster: [whispers] Hussein.
Tobias: You know, Lindsay, as a therapist, I have advised...
[falls off the bed]
Tobias ...a number of couples to explore an open relationship where the couple remains emotionally committed, but free to explore extra-marital encounters.
Lindsay: Well, did it work for those people?
Tobias: No, it never does. I mean, these people somehow delude themselves into thinking it might, but.... but it might work for us.
Lindsay: Is {Tobias} okay? What did he say? What was the last thing he said?
Tobias [in a flashback]: I’m afraid I just blue myself.
Michael: He said some wonderful things.
G.O.B.: Michael, I am sitting on some very hot information here. I know too much. I’ve got the thingie. Half in English, half in squibbly.

[edit] The One Where They Build A House [2.2]

Michael: George Michael, I’m sure that Egg is a very nice person. I just don’t want you spending all your money...
George Michael: Ann.
Michael: ... getting her all glittered up for Easter, you know?
George Michael: Wow. Hey, can I bring Ann?
Michael: Who?
George Michael: Ann. She's the girl I'm kinda 'hanging out with'.
Michael: I haven't met Ann.
George Michael: Yes you have.
Narrator: Michael had met Ann.
George Michael: You..You let her in. [camera pans to show Ann sitting in the kitchen]. That's..That's her right over there.
George Michael: [talking about Ann] She does this adorable little thing where she squeezes a whole mayonnaise packet into her mouth, then puts a hard-boiled egg in her mouth and goes "globfh." She calls it a 'mayonegg."

[looks at Michael] You okay?

Michael: I don't feel so good.
[bursting in on his mother and Uncle Oscar in the bedroom]
Buster: Mother? Mother, what’s going...? I heard zoo noises.
Michael: But it's rock. It should beat everything.
Gob: There's not a lot a' logic to it. It's kinda like on a boat with 'women and children first' - I mean why should they?...
Michael: You just had Dad on the phone? Where was he?
Gob: No way to tell, really. Portugal. Down ol' South America way.
Michael: [to Gob] Get rid of the Seaward.
Lucille: I'll leave when I'm good and ready.
Lucille: It’s not fair to Buster. He’s a nervous wreck right now. He’s going into the Army, for God’s sake.
Michael: You volunteered him.
Lucille: I knew you were going to throw that in my face.
Michael: We can’t build a house in two weeks. Also, I’m not so sure how “solid as a rock” helps people forget the fact that we built houses in Iraq.
Lucille: I want you out of the house.
Oscar: Oh, I want you everywhere.
Lucille: Did you see the news? Your Uncle Oscar forced himself on me at the beach today, and I didn’t have my horn.
Narrator: Gob charged at Michael with the scissors, but Michael,
Michael: Put it down.
Narrator: as he always did, picked rock...
Gob: Make it collapse. Make me look foolish.
Michael: Gob, don’t do this. Gob, the scissors!
Narrator:...which beat scissors. Unfortunately, the whole incident was covered by the paper.