Artemus Ward
From Wikiquote
Artemus Ward was the nom de plume of Charles Farrar Browne, (April 23, 1834 - March 6, 1867), an American humorous writer.
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- I am not a politician, and my other habits are good, also.
- Fourth of July Oration.
- The prevailin' weakness of most public men is to Slop over. G. Washington never slopt over.
- Fourth of July Oration.
- I can't sing. As a singist I am not a success. I am saddest when I sing. So are those who hear me. They are sadder even than I am.
- Artemus Ward, His Travels, Lecture (1865).
- Did you ever have the measels, and if so, how many?
- Artemus Ward, His Travels, The Census.
- The Puritans nobly fled from a land of despotism to a land of freedim, where they could not only enjoy their own religion, but could prevent everybody else from enjoyin his.
- London Punch Letters, No. 5 (1866).
- Why is this thus? What is the reason of this thusness?
- Moses, the Sassy.
- He is dreadfully married. "He's the most married man I ever saw in my life."
- Moses, the Sassy.
- Let us all be happy and live within our means, even if we have to borrow the money to do it with.
- Natural History.
- The sun has a right to "set" where it wants to, and so, I may add, has a hen.
- A Mormon Romance, ch. 4.
- They cherish his mem'ry, and them as sell picturs of his birthplace, etc., make it prof'tible cherishin' it.
- At the Tomb of Shakespeare.
[edit] Artemus Ward, His Book (1862)
- I now bid you a welcome adoo.
- The Shakers.
- ...their eyes sparkled like diminds, their cheeks was like roses, and they was charmin enuff to make a man throw stuns at his granmother, if they axed him to.
- The Shakers.
- My pollertics, like my religion, being of an exceedin' accommodatin' character.
- The Crisis.
- The fack can't be no longer disgised that a Krysis is onto us.
- The Crisis.
- N.B. This is rote sarcastikul.
- A Visit to Brigham Young.
- The female woman is one of the greatest institooshuns of which this land can boste.
- Woman's Rights.
[edit] Attributed
- I have given two cousins to war and I stand ready to sacrifice my wife's brother.
- My wife is one of the best wimin on this Continent, altho' she isn't always gentle as a lamb with mint sauce.
- The happy married man dies in good stile at home, surrounded by his weeping wife and children. The old bachelor don't die at all - he sort of rots away, like a pollywog's tail.
- They drink with impunity, or anybody who invites them.
- Why don't you show us a statesman who can rise up to the emergency, and cave in the emergency's head?
- It ain't so much the things we don't know that get us into trouble, it's the things we do know that just ain't so.
