Avenue Q
From Wikiquote
Avenue Q is a Tony Award-winning Broadway musical.
Quotes[edit]
"Everyone's a Little Bit Racist"[edit]
- Brian: Hey guys, what are you laughing about?
- Gary Coleman: Racism!!
- Brian: Cool!
- Christmas Eve: Blian! Come back here! You take out lecycuraburs!
- Princeton: What's that mean?
- Brian: Um...recyclables.
- All but Brian: *loud laughter*
- Brian: Hey! Don't laugh at her! How many languages do you speak?
- Kate : Oh, come off it, Brian! (LYRIC) Everyone's a little bit racist...
- Brian: I'm not!
- Princeton: Oh no?
- Brian: Nope!
- Princeton: Ha!
- Brian: How many Oriental wives have you got?
- Christmas Eve: What?! Blian!
- Princeton: Brian, buddy, where ya been? The term is Asian-American!
- Christmas Eve: I know you are no intending to be, but carring me "Olientarr"... offensive to me!
- Christmas Eve: The Jews have all the money and the Whites have all the power, and I'm always in taxi-cab with dliver who no shower!
- Princeton: Me too!
- Kate: Me too!
- Gary: I can't even get a taxi!
- Everyone's a little bit racist sometimes.
- Doesn't mean we go around commiting hate crimes!
- Look around and you will find
- No one's really color blind.
- Maybe it's a fact we all should face -
- Everyone makes judgments... based on race!
- Ethnic jokes may be uncouth,
- But you laugh because they're based on truth!
- Don't take them as personal attacks.
- Everyone enjoys them... so relax!
- Everyone's a little bit racist, it's true.
- But everyone is just about as racist as you!
- If we all could just admit
- That we are racist a little bit,
- And everyone stopped being so PC,
- Maybe we could live in ... harmony!
- Christmas Eve: Evelyone's a rittre bit lacist!
- Gary: You were telling a black joke!
- Princeton: Well sure, Gary, but lots of people tell black jokes.
- Gary: I don't.
- Princeton: Well, of course you don't, you're black! But I bet you tell polack jokes, right?
- Gary: Well, of course I do, HA HA, those stupid Polacks!
"What Do You Do With A B.A. In English? / It Sucks To Be Me"[edit]
- Princeton: What do you do with a B.A. in English?
What is my life going to be? Four years of college and plenty of knowledge, Have earned me this useless degree. I can't pay the bills yet, 'cause I have no skills yet; The world is a big scary place, But somehow I can't shake the feeling I might make A difference to the human race...
- Christmas Eve: Why you all so happy?
- Nicky: 'Cuz our lives suck!
- Christmas Eve: Your rives suck? I hearing you collectly? Ha! I coming to this country for opportunities. Tly to work in Korean deli, but I am Japanese. But with hard work I earn two masters degrees in social work and now I a therapist but I have no crients and I have an unemproyed fiance and we have rots of bills to pay! It suck to be me. It suck to be me. I say it sukka-sukka-sukka-sukka-sukka-sukka-sukka-sukka-sukka-sukka-sukka-sukka-suck, it suck to be me!
- Kate Monster: I'm kind of pretty, and pretty damn smart.
- Brian:You are.
- Kate Monster:THANKS! I like romantic things like music and art, and as you know I have a gigantic heart! So why don't I have a boyfriend? F**k! It sucks to be me!
- Gary: I'm Gary Coleman, from T.V.'s Different Strokes. I made a lot of money that got stolen by my folks! Now I'm broke and I'm the butt of everyone's jokes but I'm here, the superintendent on Avenue Q!
- Everyone: It sucks to be you!
- Kate: You win.
- Everyone: It sucks to be you!
- Brian: I feel better now.
- Gary: Try having people stopping you to ask you, "What you talkin' about Willis?" It gets old.
"If You Were Gay"[edit]
- Nicky: Well, okay, but just so you know
- if you were gay
- that'd be okay.
- I mean 'cause, hey! Ha!
- I like you anyway!
- Because you see,
- if it were me,
- I would feel free to say
- that I was gay
- (but I'm not gay.)
- Nicky: You can count on me
- to always be
- beside you every day,
- to tell you "It's okay,
- you were just born that way,
- and, as they say,
- it's in your DNA!"
- You're GAY!
- Rod: I am NOT gay!
- Nicky: If you WERE gay.
- Rod: Argh!
"Schadenfreude"[edit]
- Nicky: "Schadenfreude", huh? What's that? Some kind of Nazi word?
- Gary Coleman: Yup! It's German for "happiness at the misfortune of others".
- Nicky: "Happiness at the misfortune of others" ... That is German!
- Gary: Right now you are down and out, and feelin' really crappy.
- Nicky: I'll say.
- Gary: And when I see how sad you are, it sort of makes me happy!
- Nicky: "Happy?"
- Gary: Sorry, Nicky, human nature, nothing I can do~! It's Schadenfreude makin' me feel glad that I'm not you!
- Nicky: How 'bout straight A students getting B's?
- Gary: Exes getting STDs!
- Nicky: Waking doormen from their naps!
- Gary: Watching tourist reading maps!
- Nicky: Football players getting tackled!
- Gary: CEOs getting shackled!
- Nicky: Watching actors never reach
- Both: The ending of their Oscar speech!
- Nicky: Being on an elevator when somebody shouts HOLD THE DOOR!!!
- Gary: Oh yeah..
- Both: NO! Schadenfreude!
- Gary: F**k you lady, thats what stairs are for!
"The Internet is for Porn"[edit]
- Kate Monster: Finally! I get to teach a whole lesson all by myself! And I'm going to teach something relevant, something modern: the internet! (singing) Oh! The Internet is really, really great!
- Trekkie Monster: For porn!
- Kate Monster: I've got a fast connection so I don't have to wait!
- Trekkie Monster: For porn!
- Kate Monster: There's always some new site-
- Trekkie Monster: For porn!
- Kate Monster: I browse all day and night-
- Trekkie Monster: For porn!
- Kate Monster: It's like I'm surfing at the speed of light!
- Trekkie Monster: FOR PORN!
- Trekkie Monster: The Internet is for porn!
- Kate Monster: Trekkie!
- Trekkie Monster: The Internet is for porn!
- Kate Monster: What are you doing?
- Trekkie Monster: Why you think the net was born? Porn, porn, porn!
- Trekkie Monster: Me up all night, honking me horn to porn, porn, porn!
- Kate Monster: That's gross! You're a pervert.
- Trekkie Monster: Ah, sticks and stones, Kate Monster.
- Kate Monster: No, really! You're a pervert! Normal people don't sit at home and look at porn on the Internet.
- Trekkie Monster: Ohhhh?
- Kate Monster: What?
- Trekkie Monster: You have NO idea! Ready, normal people?
- Brian: Ready!
- Princeton: Ready!
- Rod: Ready!
- Gary: Ready!
- Trekkie Monster: Let me hear it!
- Trekkie Monster, Brian, Princeton, Rod, Gary: The Internet is for porn!
- Princeton: Sorry, Kate!
- Trekkie Monster, Brian, Princeton, Rod, Gary: The Internet is for porn!
- Princeton: I masturbate!
- Trekkie Monster: All these guys unzip their flies for porn, porn, porn!
- Kate Monster: The Internet is NOT for porn!
- Trekkie, Brian, Princeton, Rod, Gary: Porn, porn-!
- Kate Monster: HOLD ON A SECOND!
- Trekkie Monster: What?
- Kate Monster: Now, I happen to know for a fact that you, Rod, check your portfolio and trade stocks online.
- Rod: That's correct.
- Kate Monster: And, Brian, you buy things on Amazon.com!
- Brian: Sure!
- Kate Monster: And, Gary, you keep selling your possessions on eBay.
- Gary: Yes, I do!
- Kate Monster: And, Princeton, you sent me that sweet on-line birthday card.
- Princeton: True.
- Trekkie Monster: Oh, but Kate, what you think he do after, hmmmm?
- Brian, Rod, Gary: [chuckling]
- Princeton: Yeah...
- Kate: EEEEEW!!
- Trekkie Monster: Grab your dick and double click for porn, porn, porn!
The More You Ruv Someone[edit]
- Christmas Eve: Ruv...
- Kate Monster: Love...
- Christmas Eve: And hate...
- Kate Monster: Hate...
- Christmas Eve: They rike two blothers...
- Kate Monster: Brothers...
- Christmas Eve: Who go on a date.
- Kate Monster: Who... what!?
"Fantasies Come True"[edit]
- Nicky: I know, put my earmuffs on the cookie.
- Nicky:No, I'll wear the purple shoes, a- who painted the kitten?
- Nicky:: You look like David Hasselhoff.
- Nicky: Hey Rod buddy, you're talking in your sleep!
- Rod: I thought you were talking in your sleep!!
- Nicky: Naw, I just came to bed. You're dreamin' is all.
- Rod: Oh...
- Nicky: Sounded like a nice dream though.
- Rod: Yes, it was a nice dream...
- Nicky: Goodnight.
- Rod: Goodnight, Nicky.
"I Wish I Could Go Back to College"[edit]
- Kate: I wish I could go back to college, life was so simple back then.
- Nicky: What would I give, to go back and live, in a dorm with a meal plan again?
- Princeton: I wish I could go back to college, in college you know who you are. You sit in the quad and think, Oh my God, I am totally gonna go far!
- All: How do I go back to college? I don't know who I am anymore!
- Princeton: I wanna go back to my room and find a message in dry erase pen on the door...whoa whoa whoa...I wish I could just drop a class.
- Nicky: Or get into a play.
- Kate: Or change my major.
- Princeton: Or f**k my T.A.!
- All: I need an academic advisor to point the way! We could be sitting in the computer lab, four a.m. before the final paper is due, cursing the world cuz I didn't start sooner, and seeing the rest of the class there too! I wish I could go back to college! How do I go back to college?
- Princeton: I wish I had taken more pictures.
- Nicky: But if I were to go back to college, think what a loser I'd be. I'd walk through the quad and think, Oh my God!
- All: These kids are so much younger than me!
"From Christmas Eve and Brian's wedding"[edit]
- Nicky: So yes, definitely, I would say that my buddy Rod is indeed, a closeted homosexual!
- Rod: Nicky! How could you say that about me?!
- Nicky: Uhhh, hi Rod! No, all I said was 'Yes, definitely, I would say that my buddy Rod has... an undescended testicle!'
- Rod: AH! No! I heard you!
- Nicky: Oh gee, I'm sorry Rod...
- Rod: Uh..! Uh..! Well, I am not a closeted... homo-whatever!
- Kate: So you're saying that you don't want to spend time with me anymore?
- Princeton: No, no, I love being with you.
- Kate: Good, because for a moment I thought--
- Princeton: But I don't want a girlfriend before I find my purpose in life.
- Kate:But Princeto--
- Princeton: It's already settled, Kate! If we stay like this, I promise you we won't even be friends in the end.
- Kate: But I'm not looking for friends. I have plenty of friends.
- Princeton: You like me, don't you?
- Kate: Yes... which is why I think you should get out of here.
- Princeton: You want me to leave?
- Kate: Unless you've got another definition for get out of here.
"My Girlfriend Who Lives in Canada"[edit]
- Rod: Oh, I wish you could meet my girlfriend. My girlfriend who lives in Canada. She couldn't be sweeter, I wish you could meet her! My girlfriend who lives in Canada! Her name is Alberta, she lives in Vancouver. She cooks like my mother and sucks like a hoover! Haha! I e-mail her every single day just to make sure that everything's okay! It's a pity she lives so far away in Canada! Last week she was here, but she had the flu. Too bad 'cause I wanted to introduce her to you. It's so sad but there wasn't a thing that she could do but stay in bed- with her legs up over her head! Oh! I wish you could meet my girlfriend, but you can't 'cause she is in Canada! I love her, I miss her, I can't wait to kiss her, so soon I'll be off to Alberta! (pause) I mean Vancouver! Sh*t... Her name is Alberta, she lives in Vancouv-- She's my girlfriend! My wonderful girlfriend! Yes, I have a girlfriend who lives in Canada! And I can't wait to eat her pussy again!
"School For Monsters"[edit]
- Trekkie Monster: Me give you ten million dollars!
- Princeton: Trekkie! Where did you get all that money?!
- Trekkie Monster: In volatile market, only stable investment is porn!
"There Is Life Outside Your Apartment"[edit]
- Lady on a building: I'm gonna jump!
- All: Don't do it!
- Lady on a building: OK!
In Between Songs[edit]
- Bad Idea Bear: Buy a whole case!
- Princeton: A case of beers? No, I can't get a whole case.
- Bad Idea Bear: But you're on a budget! You're wasting money in the long run if you don't buy in bulk!
- Kate: Hello?
- Mrs. Thistletwat: Good afternoon, Katherine. If you may recall that you were supposed to teach my class this morning while I got my heart replaced. You left the children unattended for three hours! They created their own tribal society and were about to sacrifice poor little Brittany! Where were you?
- Kate: I overslept! I'm so sorry!
- Mrs. Thistletwat: I should never have hired a Monster.
- Kate: What?
- Mrs. Thistletwat: Your race is notoriously lazy!
- Kate: Well, better a Monster than a crabby old bitch!
- Mrs. Thistletwat: Crabby old bitches are the backbone of this nation! I regret the day I hired you!
- Kate: Well, you don't have to worry because I quit!
- Mrs. Thistlewat: No, I'm going to fire you!
- Kate: Too late because I quit!
- Mrs. Thistlewat: You're going to Hell, Kathrine!
- Kate: SEE YOU THERE, BITCH!
- Lucy the Slut: Ya gonna show me upstairs, kid?
- Princeton: In a minute, okay Lucy?
- Lucy the Slut: Okay... Just don't leave my motor runnin' too long.
- Kate: She a friend of yours?
- Princeton: Sort of.
- Kate: Is her name purpose?
At The Around the Clock Cafe[edit]
Lucy: I still haven't figured out where I' gonna crash tonight. Bear: In a bush!
Lucy: I dated a monster once, but got sick of pickin' the fur outta my teeth. Kate: If your teeth are the problem, I can arrange that you have LESS!
Bear: Why don't you play a drinking game? They are a recipe for fun. Kate: I don't know any, do you Princeton? Bear: I do! It's called "I Bet I Can Drink This Faster Than You Can." GO!
Lucy: (after she finishes singing) Thank you gentlemen and...(short pause) obstacles to those gentlemen.
For Now[edit]
All: SEX is only for now, YOUR HAIR is only for now, GEORGE BUSH is only for now!
All: Don't stress relax let life roll off your back exept for death and paying taxes everything in life is only for now.
