Being John Malkovich
Craig Schwartz 
- Do you see what a metaphysical can of worms this portal is?
- Nobody's looking for a puppeteer in today's wintry economic climate.
- I'd fuck me. [Watching television documentary on his puppeteering when he's in John Malkovich's body.]
- Look away [Looking through Emily's eyes at the end]
Maxine Lund 
- Do you have any idea what it's like to have two people look at you, with total lust and devotion, through the same pair of eyes?
- Behind the stubble and the too-prominent brow and the male-pattern baldness... I sensed your feminine longing. And it just slew me.
- Sounds great. Who the fuck is John Malkovich?
Lotte Schwartz 
- Help! He's locking me in a cage!
- Don't stand in the way of my actualization as a man.
John Malkovich 
- I have been to the dark side. I have seen a world that no man should see.
- That portal is mine, and it must be sealed forever for the love of God!
- It's my head, Schwartz! It's my head!
Charlie Sheen 
- Truth is for suckers, Johnny Boy.
- Maybe she's using you to channel some dead lesbian lover.
- Hot lesbian witches! Think about it! It's fucking genius!
- You're nuts to let a girl go that calls you Lotte, I tell you that as a friend.
- Dr. Lester: Forever doomed to watch the world through someone else's eyes.
- Lotte: You are so full of shit Maxine!
- Maxine: I know.
- Lotte: For the first time, everything just felt right.
- Craig: It's just a phase. It's the thrill of seeing through somebody else's eyes.
- Maxine: So I've been thinking...Is this Malkovich fellow appealing?
- Craig: Maxine! Yes, of course, Maxine. He's a celebrity.
- Maxine: Good. We'll sell tickets!
- Craig: Tickets to Malkovich?
- Maxine: Exactly! $200 a pop!
- Dr. Lester: Ah, tell me Lotte, can you understand a word I'm saying?
- Lotte: Oh yes, Dr. Lester, absolutely. You were just explaining the, um, nutritional value of ingesting minerals through a colloidal form, which I personally couldn't agree more with.
- Dr. Lester: Oh, be still my heart!
- John M.: The...this...the weird thing is this Maxine likes to call me Lotte.
- Charlie Sheen: Ouch! That is hot! Maybe she's using you to channel some dead lesbian lover...Sounds like my kind of gal! Let me know when you're done with her, yeah?
- John M.: What are you talking about, done with her? Tonight really freaked me out!
- John M.: Charlie, I don't know anything about the girl, man! She could be like a fucking witch or something!
- Charlie Sheen: That's even better! Hot lesbian witches! Think about it! It's fucking genius!
- Dr. Lester: Any questions?
- Craig: Well, just one. Why are these ceilings so low?
- Dr. Lester: Low overhead my boy! We pass the savings onto you! Hahaha!
- John M.: I have been to the dark side and back! I have seen a world that no man should see!
- Craig: Really? For most people, it's a rather pleasant experience.
- Craig: I've fallen in love, and this is what people who've fallen in love look like!
- Maxine: Well, you picked the unrequited variety. It's very bad for the skin.
- Dr. Lester: Floris! Get Guinness on the phone!
- Floris: Ah, yes sir, Genghis Kahn Capone. Fine.
- Dr. Lester: Damn fine woman, Floris. I don't know how she puts up with this speech impediment of mine.
- John Malkovich: That portal is mine, and it must be sealed forever for the love of God!
- Craig: With all respect, sir, I discovered that portal. Its my livelihood.
- John M.: It's my head, Schwartz, and I will see you in court!
- Craig: And who's to say I won't be seeing what you're seeing... in court?
- Craig: There's a tiny door in that empty office. It's a portal, Maxine. It takes you inside John Malkovich. You see the world through John Malkovich's eyes, then, after about fifteen minutes, you're spit out into a ditch on the side of The New Jersey Turnpike.
- Maxine: Sounds delightful. Who the fuck is John Malkovich?
- Craig: He's an actor. One of the great American actors of the 20th century.
- Maxine: What's he been in?
- Craig: Lots of things. He's very well respected. That jewel thief movie, for example. The point is that this is a very odd thing, supernatural, for lack of a better word. It raises all sorts of philosophical questions about the nature of self, about the existence of the soul. Am I me? Is Malkovich Malkovich? Was the Buddha right, is duality an illusion? Do you realize what a metaphysical can of worms this portal is? I don't think I can go on living my life as I have lived it.
[Maxine gestures towards the window, then exits]
- Ever wanted to be someone else? Now you can.
- Ever Wanted To Be Someone Else?
- Be All That Someone Else Can Be.
- John Cusack — Craig Schwartz
- Cameron Diaz — Lotte Schwartz
- Catherine Keener — Maxine
- John Malkovich — John Horatio Malkovich
- Orson Bean — Dr. Lester
- Mary Kay Place — Floris (Lester's secretary/receptionist)
- Charlie Sheen — Charlie