Ben Dirs

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Ben Dirs is a sports journalist for BBC Online who writes about and provides live commentary on a number of sports.

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Contents

[edit] Cricket Commentary

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  • Umpire Billy Bowden is decked by a Jones sweep! How marvellous...I mean what a choker...A sweetly-timed shot by the England batsman, which strikes Bowden on the hip, sending sunnies and walkie-talkie flying. Shame for Jones, that was going for four. Bowden will have secretly loved that, the old drama tart.
  • Embarrassing cricket tales. When I was about 14, my school team played against a school called Langdon, somewhere or other in the wilds of East London. They batted first and racked up 180-3 off 20 overs. We got 13. My PE teacher called it the most humiliating day of his life. Years later, he got done for sex offences. I wonder what he thinks now.
  • Oof! McCullum kerplunks a fuller Sidebottom delivery for what looks a certain four until it smashes into Gillespie's, erm, mummy-daddy button at the non-striker's end and he is denied a run. That had to hurt. Gillespie turns down the opportunity to have it treated by the Kiwi physio - perhaps he's not his type.

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  • Watts latches on to an Ntini short ball and swinging him over the mid-wicket boundary. That was like a large cayman devouring a rancid routabaga. That was one of the worst analogies I've ever written. Wonderful.
  • Oh my life, that's pitched on a length, jagged back and caught Gayle slap bang in the orchestras. Down goes the big man in a heap - his missus will be weeping into her Mothercare catalogue. A few sniggers from the England fielders. What is it about a man getting hit in the testicles by a very hard ball travelling at 88mph that makes other men laugh? That's not a rhetorical question, I want answers.
  • A well-deserved standing ovation from the Lord's faithful and what can you say about any Collingwood innings? Nuggety, earthy, gritty. All hail Ross Kemp - give that man his own cop show on ITV.
  • Mahmood finishes with 4-50 - 'Smell my cheese, you mothers' I think I heard him mutter to his critics as he strode from the pitch.
  • Vaughan is lurking in the dressing room gloom like some mad woman spying into her next door neighbours' garden.
  • Hayden marches down the pitch towards Collymore, bat raised, as if he's just returned from the theatre to find him rifling through his wife.
  • Thinking about sexy times in my life, an internal flight in a storm in Nam (Viet, not Dagen) must be up there, but I also recall going to an Erasure concert in about 1990. That was astonishing.
  • I had a nightmare about the World Cup last night. I dreamt I was in the Caribbean and just before the Australia v South Africa match, I saw a load of Aussie players grab South Africa all-rounder Shaun Pollock, do unspeakable things to him and throw his body onto some weird conveyor belt thing. And as he disappeared down the belt, his head fell off into a box.
  • It was Lara diving over the ball, hitting the deck like a BBC sports commentator who has just realised how futile his existence is.
  • Bit of Toto as Hoffmann makes his way to the middle - "I bless the rains down in Africa!" - smashing. My favourite Toto number is Rosanna. I used to go out with someone called Rosanna. Her mum looked like Cher.
  • Colly doing a good, no-frills, manful job for England here, just one from the over. He is to cricket what Jim Taggart is to me.
  • Pollock is prettier than the Elephant Man's hatband.
  • Just two from the over, Anderson tighter than Andy Fordham's watch strap.
  • Franklin looks a little horny, like someone who's just met up with his best mate the morning after kissing his sister.
  • I like Monty, I'd like to sit with my arm round myself on the sofa all night watching documentaries on BBC Four.
  • Murali is really struggling out there, he looked like Heather Mills McCartney making her way to bed from her en suite bathroom fielding down at fine-leg. Will they sack me for saying that?
  • Just seen a young Englishwoman lose her footing in the pool and disappear beneath the waves. Some chap was desperately trying to hold her up - stick with her, big man, there could be cheap runs later.
  • "Apparently Hoggard's injury is a "strained adductor muscle", news which prompts Messers Botham, Gower and Holding to all stroke their inner thighs on Sky as an indication as to where the injury is. You don't need to see that on a Saturday afternoon I must say, especially with Gower boasting that landed-gentry-style smirk as he gazes adoringly at Beefy. This isn't late night Bravo fellas, calm it down. I'm off for a quick polish in the gents.

[edit] Football Commentary

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  • Anyone seen Kaka's wife? Funnily enough, she's a complete sort. She's the sort of woman who, if she looked you in the eye in a bar and asked you where the fag machine was, you'd start giggling and snort.
  • I've got a horrible feeling that if United do do the business tonight, Scholes won't be on the pitch in Athens. He may well be the best player England have produced for the last 15 years, but he has all the tackling ability of a granny on roller skates.

[edit] Tennis Commentary

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  • There's Jamie Murray in the crowd - I assume that's his woman, otherwise her actual boyfriend might be extremely irate.

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  • Playing Federer on a bad day is a bit like seeing Pete Doherty in concert on a good day. You want to make the most of it because it may never happen again.
  • Not much of a birthday that, almost as bad as my 15th when I got a pair of plastic telephones off the Roman Road market from some cousins who thought I was still six. - Ben Dirs describes birthday boy Andy Murray's retirement from the Hamburg Open with a hint of nostalgic heartbreak.

[edit] Snooker Commentary

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  • This is like De la Hoya-Mayweather, except in evening dress and with sticks.
  • Maguire, I'm told, has a raft of nicknames. Originally, I thought my favourite was 'On Fire Maguire', but then I thought, if he's playing rubbish, it doesn't really work. So now I like 'Live Wire Maguire' instead.
  • He gets another go and slams home a red into the bottom right and it disappears like a rat up a drainpipe.
  • This is snooker at its most strange and its most hypnotic - watching this is like having some mushroom-induced dream.
  • The Scot looks like he's sat in a hospital waiting room reading my commentary.

[edit] Rugby Commentary

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  • Here's Land of Our Fathers and it sounds like someone's banging it out on a Bontempi organ. The Welsh players all looked pretty laid-back singing that. How come it looks like the whole side has rabies before they play England?
  • As I write, Wallabies coach John Connolly will be inserting rockets where it hurts. Oop pardon.
  • All the time in the world for Hook, he could have pulled out a cigarette, lit it and taken a couple of tugs before striking that.
  • According to a certain Brisbane rag, England are "a bunch of part-time plumbers and decorators"...Jason Robinson and Co are just putting a second coat on their Free State Stadium dressing room in Bloemfontein, but I'm assured they'll be cleaned up and ready to kick off in 25 minutes.
  • Montgomery collects a Garryowen and Hazell, like a Smeg fridge-freezer on legs, clatters into him and drives him backwards.
  • Here's the siren (hope there's no Blitz veterans in, they'll be ducking for cover)
  • Slow ball from England and South Africa, like a playground bully leisurely keeping his victim at arm's length with one hand while taking a breather, are finding this far too easy.

[edit] External links

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