Bill Cosby: Himself

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Bill Cosby: Himself is a 1983 stand-up comedy film featuring the comedic routines of Bill Cosby. Filmed before a live audience at Toronto's "Hamilton Place Performing Arts Center", Cosby gives audiences his comedics views ranging from marriage and parenthood. Many of the comedic routine presented in this stand-up were the precursors to Cosby's successful sitcom The Cosby Show.

[edit] Memorable quotes

[edit] Bill Cosby:

• My father established our relationship when I was seven years old. He looked at me and said, "You know, I brought you in this world, and I can take you out. And it don't make no difference to me, I'll make another one look just like you." And because of my father between the ages of seven through fifteen, I thought my name was Jesus Christ! He said, "Jesus Christ!" And my brother, Russell, thought his name was Dammit! "Dammit, will you stop all that noise? Jesus Christ, sit down!!" So, one day, I'm out playing in the rain, and my father said, "Dammit, will you get in here?!" I said, "Dad, I'm Jesus Christ!"

• And she had with her, little Jeffrey. Jeffrey is four years old. I know that because Jeffrey kept walking around the plane, just anybody, he says, "I'm four years old. I'm four years old. I was three, but now I'm four years old." Little Jeffrey. I remember his name, not because he said, "I'm four years old," but because Jeffrey's mother said his name all 2,500 miles of the trip. Nobody on first class could sleep because the woman -- "Jeffrey, will you get down! Jeffrey don't do that! Jeffrey, you've kicked the... Jeffrey, sit down! Jeffrey, would you please... Jeffrey, put your jacket... Don't do that! Jeffrey! Jeffrey!" And then, Jeffrey would stand up in the chair and look at the little man behind him. "I'm four years old." Nobody could sleep because Jeffrey is up. He'd get out. She'd let him run around. Jeffrey would run around with chocolate on his hands and put it on your trousers. "I'm four years old."

• The weirdest thing about drugs is that people on it start to laugh, and no one knows what they're laughing at, they just go: "Ahh... no, wait a minute... I went over to the... Whooo!... Ahh... I went over to the Burger King... and so a guy took a piece of beef... and threw it on the grill... I said 'Oh wow!'... then he turned it over... it was all brown!... I said 'Far out!'... and then he put it in between two pieces of bread... I said 'Oh, no!' and a guy ate it." But the biggest one is the cocaine ... [Audience Member: Yow!] There they go! Cocaine, Jack! "You take cocaine, man?" People say, "Yeah." Say, "I'll do a few lines." I said to a guy, I said, "Tell me, what is it about cocaine that makes it so wonderful?", and he said, "Well, it intensifies your personality." I said, "Yes, but what if you're an asshole?"

• Now you've got to go. So you come into the bathroom, close the door; now, don't forget: you owe this to yourself. You've worked hard all week. It's come to this: [Cosby kneels beside the chair and pretends to lift the lid on the toilet, then starts moaning] "Ahh, Jesus... Oh, God... If You get me out of this, I'll never drink again as long as I live..." [Cosby groans again] Now you are ready to put your face in a place that was never built for your face.

• Because parents are not interested in justice - they want quiet!

• I love it when they get so angry they can't remember your name. "Come here, Roy, er, Roquefort, er, Rutabaga... what is your name, boy?! And don't lie to me, because you live here, and I'll find out who you are. Take a stick and knock your brains out!!"

• My parents never smiled because I had brain damage. My wife and I don't smile because our children are loaded with it! Oh, my parents smile now, whenever they come over to my house and see how much trouble I'm having. Oh, they have a ball! "Having a little trouble, huh, son?!"

• I am not the boss of my house. I don't know how I lost it. I don't know where I lost it. I don't think I ever had it. But I've seen the boss's job... and I don't want it.

• All fathers say the same thing: "Where's your mother?"

• A person with no children says, "Well I just love children," and you say "Why?" and they say, "Because a child is so truthful, that's what I love about 'em - they tell the truth." That's a lie, I've got five of 'em. The only time they tell the truth is if they're having pain.

• Carol Burnett described what labor pains feel like. She said "Take your bottom lip and pull it over your head."

• Now here comes my mother. "All right, dinner!... Oh Lord, what happened in here?" "Mom, there's an elephant under Dad's chair." "Did you see it?" "No, but it lifted Dad up about two feet." Do you know my father's favorite game? "Come here and pull my finger." Thank you for coming! Thank you! Take care of yourselves! Thank you! Good night! [Ann Gardner singing]: "It was a good idea at the time. At the time. It was a good idea at the time. We made so many promises. We made our lovers' vows. It was all so good then. What about now? It was a good idea at the time."

• My wife woke me up 4:00 in the morning. She said, "I want you to go downstairs and cook breakfast for the children." And I looked at the clock and I said, "Dear, it's 6:00 in the morning." She said, "Exactly. Go down and cook for the children. They have to go to school." I said, "Yes, but to eat at 6:00, isn't that bad for your stomach? I mean, they just ate twelve hours ago." My wife said, "Bill, get out of that bed and go downstairs and cook breakfast for your children!!" I said, "Well, I don't know what they want to eat." She said, "It's down there! Now you get out of the bed!" And I said, "But where are the pans? Do we have pans to cook with?" She said, "Bill, I'm not talking to you anymore! You ask another stupid question, so help me God, I'll get the shotgun out of the closet and blow your face off!!" I said, "Well, there's no need to become violent about this. You seem to be having trouble intellectualizing on where the cooking apparel is." So I fell back to sleep again. The next thing I knew, there was a bucket of ice water being shaken over my head, and this woman, that I've been married to for some 17 years, was standing over me like this. [makes angry face at audience] "Now, you get up and cook some breakfast or you're gonna wear this bucket of ice water!!!" So I said, "You're serious, aren't you?" So I got up. Needless to say, I was angry. And I went downstairs without putting on my robe. Standing there in my pajamas, and I'm talking to myself. I said, "Get these, go down and cook breakfast, but it's six o'clock in the morning," [angrily cooking breakfast] and I slam the pans down. Blam! On the stove. I slam them down and go to the refrigerator and look around and I get to the damn bacon and the sausage, cooking breakfast, six o'blam in the morning, and I grab the- you have to be careful with eggs. "God! I have to cook breakfast! Boom!!" I turn around. The first one down was the four-year-old. The child looked lovely. Cute little face, clean. Hair in little braids, little things, you know. "Good morn', Daddy." And I said, "What do you want for breakfast!?" The four-year-old has the ability to see through and find the wrong thing. The child saw through my body what was behind me. She saw the chocolate cake. She said, "Can I have the chocolate cake?" And I said, "Chocolate cake, where?" She said, "Chocolate cake behind you." And I looked... and there was chocolate cake! The child wanted chocolate cake for breakfast! How ridiculous! And I said... and someone in my brain looked under chocolate cake and saw the ingredients: eggs! Eggs are in chocolate cake! And milk! Oh goody! And wheat! That's nutrition! "What do you want?" "Can I have some chocolate cake?" "Chocolate cake coming up." [imitates slicing sound] Sliced it for her and served it. "Now, you need something to drink with the chocolate cake, something breakfast... grapefruit juice!" [Woman in audience] No-o-o! [Cosby] This is not your child! So I give the child a glass of grapefruit juice and chocolate cake --- nutrition. Eggs, milk, and wheat in the chocolate cake. And... I didn't have to cook. And the other four came downstairs. And when they came downstairs... Those of you who have children, you've seen them come downstairs for school. [imitating sluggish children] And they got to the kitchen. [imitating sluggish children] They saw the four-year-old eating chocolate cake. And they said, "Dad! Where did she get the chocolate cake?" And they went to the child and said, "How did you get chocolate cake?" She said, "Dad give me chocolate cake!" And they looked at me and said, "Father... could we have chocolate cake?" And their father said, "Chocolate cake coming up!!" Four slices --- [imitates slicing sound] --- and grapefruit juice! And five children sat at breakfast and the morning music was playing [imitating bass guitar] and they were eating chocolate cake and singing songs to me: "Dad is great! Give us the chocolate cake!" And we had a ball until... she came down like this. [makes angry face at audience] And when she saw what the children were eating... [when his wife sees that he has given the kids chocolate cake for breakfast] I've always heard about people having a conniption, but I've never seen one. You don't want to see 'em! My wife's face... split! The skin and hair split and came off of her face so that there was nothing except the skull! And orange light came out of her hair and it lit all around! And fire shot from her eye sockets and began to burn my stomach! And she said, "Where did they get chocolate cake from?!?" And I said, "They asked for it!!" And the children, who had been singing praises to me, lied on me, and said, "Uh-uhh!! We asked for eggs and milk, and Dad made us eat this!!!" And my wife sent me to my room, which is where I wanted to go in the first place. So you see? We are dumb, but we are not so dumb. It takes great thinking and work to keep from working.

• When you're a father you censor yourself. You get just as angry with a child but you don't want to say, "What the filth and foul and I'll filth and foul, filth and foul and, yeah, ya filth and foul face, and I'll filth and foul, foul, filth!" You don't want to say that to a child so you censor yourself and you sound like an idiot: "What the....get your...I'll put a...get out of my face!"

• Dentists tell you not to pick your teeth with any sharp metal object. Then you sit in their chair. The first thing they grab is an iron hook. And they start to pick in an area that you came to get fixed. I found out something about myself while the dentist was doing that. I found out that if I was ever paralyzed from the knee down, I'd be able to walk with my behind. Because the whole time I kept doing that, I just kept... "Can you sit up?" "I'm sorry. I beg your pardon." "Sit up." "I'm sorry." Now the dentist pulls out a needle. This is to deaden the pain.

• "Fibbre!" [slurring: "Fire!"]

• I've got a Ferrari. Vroom! I do 104 from the garage to the front door.

• My wife was a beautiful woman before we had children.

• I asked my father for a dollar for the school picnic. He told me how he killed a grizzly bear with his loose-leaf notebook.

• A person that is going to go out and get so drunk that you're going to get sick is an all-time dumb person.

• I didn't know how serious it is to a female that you lift the lid.

• [after a contraction] My wife stood up in the stirrups, grabbed my bottom lip, and said "I want morphine!!!" I said "But dear--" [does some LaMaze breathing]. She said, "You shut up! You did this to me!!!" And on the next contraction, she told everyone in the delivery room that my parents were never married.

• My wife and I have five children and the reason why we have five children is because we do not want six!

• [after spanking the kids] Now here's the funny part: my wife comes downstairs with the broken stick, throws it on the table, sits down, and begins to talk out loud to nobody! "Gonna tell me that you're not going to do something when I tell you to do something. I mean you move when I say move!! Think I carried you in my body for nine months just so you can roll your eyes at me?! I'll roll that little head of yours down on the floor!! You don't know who you're fooling with! I'll beat you until you can't grow anymore!!"

• Also, a person with one child does not have to deal with, "Will you stop touching me?!" If you've got one child, and the child's doing that, you gotta take it away. Now, the same thing happens every night. We have five children. They sit in the center. My wife is on this end, I'm on this end. And our children enjoy their dinner because my wife allows them to listen to their music. So you get... [imitating bass guitar like he did earlier when he talked about his children eating chocolate cake for breakfast] and the children eat and they... I don't look at them. I just keep... My wife looks the situation over and she can tell when the children are not going to eat anymore. She can tell. They've fooled around long enough. "OK. You've fooled around long enough. Everybody get up from the table." My wife says this every night. "Everybody get up from the table, go upstairs, take off all your clothes, get into the shower, please turn on the water..." You have to tell them to do that, because if you don't, they'll just wander around the tub and then get out and then get into the bed. "Please use soap." That's mostly for my son. "Rinse yourselves off, dry yourselves off, put on clean pajamas, get into the bed, and go to sleep." Now, if these brain-damaged children would do that, there would be no beatings. But there's going to be a beating tonight!

• My mother comes in my room and says, "Just look at this mess! This is a pig sty!" Now, I've already been in the room five hours, and she wants me to look at it.

• I keep telling my children, "That's not the same woman I grew up with. You are looking at an old person who is trying to get into heaven now."

• [about a talk with his son] So I looked at him. And I noticed that from here... [Cosby pointing to one side of his head] ...all the way around to here... [Cosby pointing to the other side] ...there was no hair. I said, "Son?" Called him "son". "What... happened to your hair?" He said, "I don't know." I said, "Son, take your hand and put it on top of your head and tell me what you feel." He said, "There's no hair." I said, "Right! Now, tell Dad what happened to your hair." He said, "I don't know." I said, "Son, was your head with you all day today?" He said, "Uh-huh." I said, "Did you cut your hair off?" He said, "Uh-huh." I said, "Well, why didn't you tel me?!!" He said, "I don't know!" I said, "Was this the hairstyle you wanted?!" He said, "Uh-huh." I said, "A reverse Mohawk?!?"

• [in the hospital room after the birth of their first baby] ... and I looked at it... and it wasn't getting any better. I went over to my wife, and kissed her ever so gently on the cheek, and I said "Dear... I love you very, very much. You just... had... a lizard." Because the thing changed colors 3 times [thrice]! And it wasn't getting any better!

• [the children are fighting] My wife turns around, grabs a yard stick, and holds it like a samurai warrior. She then makes an announcement that the beatings will now begin by saying, "I have had enough of this!" Now these three brain-damaged people have the nerve to look surprised!!

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