Bill Watterson

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I try to make everyone's day a little more surreal.

William B. "Bill" Watterson II (born July 5, 1958) is the author of the comic-strip Calvin and Hobbes.

Contents

[edit] Sourced

[edit] Calvin & Hobbes

Calvin: So long, Pop! I'm off to check my tiger trap!
First line of the first Calvin and Hobbes strip.
Calvin: I rigged a tuna fish sandwich yesterday, so I'm sure to have a tiger by now!
Calvin's Father: They like tuna fish, huh?
Calvin: Tigers will do anything for a tuna fish sandwich!
Hobbes is eating sandwich and caught upside down in trap
Hobbes{talking to himself}: We're kind of stupid that way.
Calvin: Hey Susie Derkins, is that your face, or is a 'possum stuck in your collar?
p12 Susie Derkins' first mention by name - she would appear in the strip for the first time the following day
Calvin's Mom: CALVIN!!! Why are you hammering nails into our coffee table?!?!
Calvin looks at her like a dog staring at his reflection in water
Calvin's Mom: Well?
Calvin: Is this some kind of trick question, or what?
Hobbes: What's that cereal you're eating?
Calvin: It's my new favorite, "Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs". Have a taste.
Hobbes: Thank you. (clutching throat) MFFPBTH!!!!! S-Sw-Sw SWEET!!!!!!!!!
Calvin: Actually, they're kinda bland till you scoop sugar on 'em.
p61
Hobbes: How come we play war and not peace?
Calvin: Too few role models.
Calvin: I'll be the fearless American defender of liberty and democracy... and you can be the loathsome godless communist oppressor. We're at war, so if you get hit with a dart, you're dead and the other side wins, OK?
Hobbes: Gotcha.
Calvin: GO! (WAP-WAP they shoot each other simultaneously) Kind of a stupid game,isn't it?
p62
Calvin: Somewhere in Communist Russia I'll bet there's a little boy who has never known anything but censorship and oppression. But maybe he's heard of America, and he dreams of living in this land of freedom and opportunity! Someday, I'd like to meet that little boy...and tell him the awful TRUTH ABOUT THIS PLACE!!
Calvin's Dad: Calvin, be quiet and eat the stupid lima beans.
p70
Hobbes: Look, it says you have to be eighteen to buy cigarettes.
Calvin: EIGHTEEN?!? By then I'll know better!
p90
Calvin: Whew! Glad I got this tent set up.
Hobbes: Let us go have some dinner.
Calvin: Dinner? Where?
Hobbes: Your pack is cooking food over the fire.
Calvin: Oh great, we have been lugging around this dumb microwave for nothing.
Calvin: Oh no, we are lost! Lost in the backcountry. Just us by ourselves, separated from civilization and hopelessly lost!
Cub Scout: Hey goofus, the den leader said grab your stupid stuffed tiger and get your rear in gear!
Calvin{to Hobbes}: We will try to lose them again over the next hill.
Calvin: Somewhere in the Pacific Ocean...
Calvin: ...a subterranean earthquake awakens a monster imprisoned since the Hadean Era!
Calvin leaves the bathtub
Calvin: The monster walks through Tokyo, downing power lines and destroying anything in its path.
Calvin goes downstairs to the kitchen
Calvin: At long last, Godzilla meets his ancient archrival Megalon!
Calvin's Mom: Calvin! You finished with your bath already? You are supposed to dry off...
Calvin: He spews a mighty fireball!
Calvin spits water at his mom
Calvin's Mom: EEEK!
Calvin races upstairs as his mom chases him in anger
Calvin: Tokyo is in ruins! Megalon vanquished! He returns to the sea from whence he came.
Calvin's Mom: No more afternoon TV movies for you, EVER!

[edit] Something Under the Bed Is Drooling

Calvin: Boy, what a day! I went to school, played outside, and did my homework. I'm exhausted. [to his dad] You know what time it is now?
Calvin's Dad: Uh, 7:35.
Calvin: It's Miller Time.
Calvin's Dad: Get back here!
p28
Calvin: Were there dinosaurs when you were a kid, Dad?
Calvin's Dad: Oh, sure! Your grandfather and I used to put on our leopard skins and hunt brontosaurus for all the clan rituals.
Calvin's Mom: [to Calvin's dad] Listen, buster, I think Calvin's grades are bad enough already, don't you?
p29
Calvin is asleep
Voice from Under Bed: Psst, kid. Come here, I have a brand new toy for you.
Calvin: Hobbes, wake up!
Hobbes{groggily}: Huh, what is it?
Calvin: We have monsters!
Hobbes: Monsters?!
Calvin: Turn on the light, that makes monsters shrivel up.
Hobbes: Good call!
Hobbes turns on light
Monsters: ARRGH! AIEEE! AUGH!
Hobbes: Whew! Glad that is over with.
Calvin: Don't pin a medal on yet, Hobbes. Monsters can hide in the closet and dresser. We have to expose them too.
Calvin and Hobbes open closet and dump dresser drawers
Calvin: No monsters will harm us, that is for sure, not with Calvin and Hobbes on duty!
A sleepy Calvin's dad enters room
Calvin's Dad: Calvin, I heard noise! Is everything OK, what is the problem?
Calvin: Monsters, Dad. They could be anywhere.
Calvin's Dad{enraged}: YOU'RE TRASHING YOUR ROOM AT 1:00 IN THE MORNING, LOOKING FOR MONSTERS?! IF YOU DON'T GET BACK INTO BED THIS INSTANT, YOU'LL HAVE A LOT MORE TO WORRY ABOUT THAN STUPID MONSTERS!!
Light is off and Calvin and Hobbes are covered by the bedspread
Calvin{annoyed}: What we need is for some way to shrivel him up.
Lazy Sunday book 23
Calvin: Mom, I got a part in the school play.
Calvin's Mom: Oh neat! What will you do?
Calvin: It will be a great dramatic role. My character will everyone in tears at the end of the second act!
Calvin's Mom: What play will your class do?
Calvin: Nutrition and the 4 Food Groups. I am the onion.
Calvin: Hi Mom, how is the costume coming along?
Calvin's Mom: I am still working on it. I wish your class would do something a little less elaborate. I am not much of a seamstress.
Calvin: Just be glad I am not Russy White. He has to be an amino acid.
Calvin dons onion costume
Calvin's Mom: Well, how is it?
Calvin: Jabba the Hutt meets Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer? I don't know, Mom.
Susie: Do you have your line memorized for the nutrition play, Calvin?
Calvin: I'm still learning it. Being an onion is a difficult role, you know. What are you?
Susie: I'm "Fat".
Calvin: No, I mean in the play.
Susie: [punches Calvin] Anyone ELSE want to say it?!?
Calvin: Aackk! Understudy! Understudy!
p43
Hobbes: How about we rehearse for your play?
Calvin: Good idea.
Hobbes: Ready when you are.
Calvin: Hold it, I am not in character yet. What motivates an onion?
Hobbes: Fame, I suppose. This could be a big break.
Calvin: OK, you be "Bread", prompt me.
Hobbes{reading from script}: Glucose is the body's main energy source.
Calvin: In addition to, um, nope, in addition...AARGH! I will never be able to get this line!
Hobbes: Well, your emoting is down pat.
Calvin: I got it! A backup plan in case I forget my line.
Hobbes: What is that?
Calvin: I figure I will just come out on stage, do a little softshoe, and ad-lib!
Hobbes: Ad lib somthing about dietary fiber?
Calvin has painted crosses on his eyelids
Calvin: Either that, or I'll do my onion in mime!
Calvin: Dad, are you coming to my play?
Calvin's Dad: I am afraid I will have to be at work, Calvin.
Calvin: Aww, too bad!
Calvin's Dad: How about you recite your part for me now?
Calvin: In addition to supplying vital fiber, uh, wait, many nutrients, no hold on...
Calvin's dad rolls his eyes
Calvin's Dad: 25 kids in food suits, forgetting their lines. I will definately be at work.
Calvin's Mom: DEAR! That was rude of you! Calvin has worked hard on this!
Calvin: In addition to supplying vital nutrients, OK, got that part!
Bus stop. Calvin is in costume
Calvin: Thanks for coming outside to wait for the bus with me. I will be happy when the play is over. I feel like an idiot in this onion suit.
Hobbes: No worries...Oh my Lord...run for your life! A produce truck!
Calvin hides
Hobbes: Just kidding!
Backstage
Miss Wormwood: Susie, have you seen Calvin?
Susie: He said he had to go to the boys' room.
Miss Wormwood: He is on in two minutes! Fine time to go to the boys' room!
Restroom
Calvin: Fine time to get stuck in my costume! Stupid zipper!
Restroom
Calvin{talking to himself}: Of all the times to be stuck in your zipper...I am supposed to be onstage now! I need to do something.
Calvin{shouting}: IN ADDITION TO SUPPLYING VITAL NUTRIENTS, MANY VEGETABLES ARE A SOURCE OF DIETARY FIBER!!
Calvin's Mom: How did your play go?
Calvin: Not that well. I got stuck in my zipper and could not get to stage on time, so they had to suspend the play and have the janitor to get me out.
Calvin's Mom: Oh no, that sounds awful.
Calvin: I will say. The play was ruined.
Calvin's mom departs kitchen
Calvin{loud voice}: BUT I REMEMBERED MY LINE!
Calvin's Dad: It's going to be a grim day when the world is run by a generation that doesn't know anything but what it's seen on TV.
p100
Calvin: Dad, where do babies come from?
Calvin's Dad: Most people just go to Sears, buy the assembly kit, and read the instructions.
Calvin: I CAME FROM SEARS?!?!
Dad: No, you were a Blue Light Special at Kmart. Almost as good, and a lot cheaper.
Calvin: AAUUGHHH!
Calvin's Mom: Dear, what are you telling him now?!
Calvin: So if you capture the flag and get it back to your base, you win.
Hobbes: Win what?
Calvin: The game!
Hobbes: No luggage? No dinette set?
Calvin sees the flag is in a tree
Calvin: Hey! I cannot reach the tree.
Hobbes: Well, the rules did not prohibit me from where I can hide the flag.
Calvin: OK, from now on you cannot hide flags in trees.
Hobbes: Tag! You are it!
Calvin: NO! That was a time out!
Hobbes: You did not say time out.
Calvin: It is an automatic time out if we are discussing rules.
Hobbes: OK, time in! Tag!
Calvin: No, no! We have to say time in in unison!
Hobbes: Oh come on, you are just changing the rules so you will win.
Calvin: Yeah, to simple babylike rules, stripey butt!
Hobbes: POTTY MOUTH! Potty mouth! Calvin is a potty mouth!
Calvin brandishes his fist
Calvin: Yeah, well you are asking for a toothless mouth, buster.
Hobbes: Says you and what army? You could not knock the teeth out of a mosquito!
Calvin and Hobbes start fighting
Calvin: Ha! Mosquitoes does not even have teeth! That just goes to show how smart you are!
Hobbes: Yeah, well compared to you, I am Einstein! Hey! Leggo my leg!
Indoors. Hobbes has been sent to the washing machine and a disshelved Calvin is nearby
Calvin: Mom says we should take up Monopoly.
Hobbes: No way, buster. I know all about those "interest free bailouts" to yourself.

[edit] Yukon Ho!

Calvin's Mom: Well, you certainly were a terror in the doctor's office.
Calvin: I fended him off with his own tongue depressor. That is why I did not get a shot.
Calvin's Mom: It was a routine checkup. You did not need a shot. Your behavior was inexcusable.
Calvin's Mom: Someday I hope you have a kid that puts you through what I've gone through.
Calvin: Yeah, Grandma says that's what she used to tell you.
p35
Susie: Talking with you is the conversational-equivalent of an out of body experience.
p72
Calvin's Dad: Go break his little legs, will you, honey?
p77
Calvin: My parents! All they say is Calvin, go clean your room!
Hobbes: Well, we are a part of the family and we live in their house.
Calvin: Ha! I never applied for membership in this family. I was told I was a part of it because I warn born into it!
Hobbes: A biological conspiracy, eh?
Calvin: Mom sent me up to my room! I am fed up with this family. How about we leave? Where do you want to go? The Sahara? Antarctica? Las Vegas?
Hobbes: How are you going to get to any of these places? We do not even own a car!
Calvin is talking with his dad
Calvin: OK, for this trick I will need an ordinary American Express card. Now close your eyes...
Calvin: Mom, I have had enough of your rules. Hobbes and I are seceding from the family. We are going to live a new life in the Yukon!
Calvin's Mom: Is not the Yukon far from here, and much of it is harsh tundra?
Calvin: I know. Here is a list of food and supplies we will need.
Calvin's Mom: Why should I do all this for you if you are seceding from the family?
Calvin: We have not seceded yet! Geez, what kind of Mom are you?
Calvin: Well Mom, Hobbes and I are off to the Yukon.
Calvin's Mom: That's nice.
Calvin: So long Mom, maybe we will write once we get there. But now that Hobbes and I have seceded, we are making our own ways.
Calvin's Mom: Calvin! Shut the door! You are letting flies and bees in!
Outside
Calvin: We should have left sooner.
Calvin: Well, so long Mom! Hobbes and I are off to the Great White North of the Yukon!
Calvin's Mom{shouting from indoors}: Calvin!
Calvin{talking to himself}: Leave it to a mother to drag out a goodbye. Sheesh!
Calvin's Mom: You are heading southeast. North is that way.
Calvin: Oh right, I knew that!
Hobbes: Whew! I am beat from carrying the toboggan. Let us take a break.
Calvin: Good idea. Want a comic book? Here's Captain Nitro.
Hobbes: I want a sandwich.
Calvin: We only have two sandwiches. We really ought to save them in case we cannot catch a walrus.
Hobbes: You only packed two sandwiches for the entire trip?
Calvin: Relax, Hobbes. These sandwiches will give us energy to spare.
Hobbes eats sandwich
Hobbes: Whuffs dis? Honey an marzmelloth?
Calvin: That one is. The other one has chocolate syrup. Now that we are taking a break I will work on our log.
Calvin's Log: Journey to the Yukon, Day One: Have traveled 200 yards from our starting point. No snow so far.
Hobbes: Food supplies low.
Calvin's Log: Nonetheless, morale is high as we push north.
Hobbes: My morale would be a lot higher if you carried the tobaggan!
Calvin: Too bad, you have to do what I say. See, I have the commander's hat!
Hobbes: That can be easily remedied.
Hobbes commandeers Calvin's helmet, then wears it himself
Hobbes: Welcome our new commander, Lieutenant Hobbes!
Calvin: Stop it! You are guilty of mutiny!
Hobbes: First, I decree double rations to all officers to aid their decision-making capabilities.
Calvin: OH NO YOU DON'T! That last sandwich is mine!
Calvin: You are a real ingrate, Hobbes!
Hobbes: Too bad, I am stronger, smarter, not to mention more deboniar!
Calvin: If you were littler than me, boy I woud pound you!
Hobbes: Your mom never told this, but you have a rare disease. You are going to get smaller as you get older!
Calvin: I do not!
Hobbes: Oh yes. Too bad she never shared it with you, but she already has a contract for you to get work as a circus midget!
Calvin: Hobbes, that does it. You can go to the Yukon all by yourself!
Hobbes: Where will you go?
Calvin: Home!
Hobbes: You cannot go there. We seceded, remember?
Calvin': AARGH!
Calvin{talking to himself}: I have no clue what Mom and Dad did now that I seceded....maybe they sold all my clothes and toys...maybe they rented out my room...maybe they moved! A lot can happen when you are gone all morning....MOM!!
Calvin: Mom! Mom! I am sorry about running away, I do not want to secede! Please take me back!
Calvin's mom hugs him
Calvin's Mom: You are always a part of this family.
Calvin: Well, Hobbes was being a moron, so I did not want to live in the Yukon with him.
Calvin's Mom: Where is Hobbes now?
Calvin: Oh right. That doofus is lucky if he navigated his way out of Pittsburgh.
Calvin's Mom: Calvin, time for bed.
Calvin: Oh no, Hobbes has not come home yet! He is probably lost!
Calvin runs outside
Calvin: Hobbes, where are you?
Calvin's Mom{yelling from indoors}: Calvin, it is your bedtime. Do not start these stunts now!
Calvin: I don't know where Hobbes is. He could be lost in the woods.
Calvin's Mom: I am sure Hobbes is OK. For right now go to sleep.
Living room
Calvin's Mom: Calvin lost his stuffed tiger out in the forest. The poor kid is pretty upset.
Calvin's dad is reading a book
Calvin's Dad: I bet.
Calvin's Mom: I mean he is really upset.
Calvin's Dad: I bet.
Calvin's Mom: REALLY upset.
Forest. Calvin's dad is holding a flashlight
Calvin's Dad{talking to himself}: Would my dad have done something like this?? Of course not. I was never spoiled like this!
Forest
Calvin's Mom: Any luck?
Calvin's Dad: Of course not. I must be crazy to look for a stuffed animal in the woods in the dead of night.
Calvin's Mom: Hobbes!
Calvin's dad looks strangely at his wife
Calvin's Mom{mortified}: Oops! he he.
Calvin's Dad: I may be crazy, but I still have a clearer head than you.
Calvin's Mom{talking to herself}: It is almost midnight. Maybe it was wrong of me to pressure my husband into looking for Hobbes. Maybe he's right, Calvin needs to learn the consequences of not accounting for his posessions.
Door opens. Calvin's dad enters holding Hobbes wearing the helmet and a tobaggan
Calvin's Mom: Dear! How are you?
Calvin's Dad: I found it. Hobbes was not far from the house, along with the tobaggan.
Calvin's mom kisses her husband
Calvin's Mom: Thank you dear! We will slip Hobbes under Calvin's bedspread so he can be surprised in the morning.
Calvin's Dad: OK, but next time I am not going out at night unless Calvin himself is lost!
Calvin wakes up
Calvin: Hobbes! How did you get home?
Hobbes: Ha ha! This place is nothing for a tiger! I just found my way home.
Calvin gets dressed
Calvin: Mom! Guess what, Hobbes came back!
Calvin's Mom: I know, your father found him last night.
Calvin{to stuffed Hobbes}: Is that SO?!
Calvin's Mom: Indeed. How about you go thank him now?
Calvin: This whole Santa Claus thing doesn't make sense. Why all the secrecy? Why all the mystery? If the guy exists, why doesn't he ever just show himself and prove it? And if he doesn't exist, what's the meaning of all this?
Hobbes: I dunno...isn't this a religious holiday?
Calvin: Yeah, but actually, I've got the same questions about God.
p99
Calvin is combing his hair
Calvin: Man, that dumb cowlick will not get combed down. It keeps sticking up!
Hobbes: Maybe you need a haircut.
Calvin: Yeah, but barbers never cut it the way I want.
Hobbes cuts Calvin's hair
Calvin: This is a great idea, Hobbes!
Hobbes: You really think your mom will pay me eight bucks?
Hobbes: How would you like your hair cut?
Calvin: Just get rid of the cowlick that sticks up and taper the rest a little.
Hobbes: Would you rather have it very short?
Calvin: Nah, nothing extreme.
Hobbes: OK, I figure having it very short is the best.
Calvin: Are you trying to tell me something?!
Calvin: You made a mistake, didn't you?
Hobbes: Hey, I can't help it. Your head has "funny bumps" that make the scissors go screwy.
Calvin: Your head's going to have "funny bumps" in two minutes unless you correct your mistakes.
Hobbes: Oops, you just made me do it again!
Calvin: This haircut better look good, fuzz brain.
Hobbes: You will like it, it is new wave.
Calvin{annoyed}: "New wave", like how?
Hobbes: Like, "punk", actually.
Calvin{pleased}: Like a mohawk?
Hobbes: In some places it is sorta like a mohawk.
Calvin{enraged}: I want a mirror.
Hobbes: Know what is all the rage this year? Hats.
Calvin is bald
Calvin: WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY HEAD? It looks like it was cut with a weed wacker!
Hobbes: Nothing a little tonic and combing cannot fix.
Calvin: Get away from me! If Mom sees this she will blow her blood vessels. What do we do?
Hobbes dresses Calvin in a turban
Hobbes: Presto! Your "Lawrence of Arabia" look.
Calvin{annoyed}: More like my "lobotomy patient" look.
Tracer Bullet: The cigar smoke mixed with the smoke of my .38. I have eight slugs in me. One is lead, and the rest are bourbon.
Tracer Bullet: Yep, that's me, Tracer Bullet. If business was as good as my aim, I would be on Easy Street. Instead, I have got an office on 49th Street and a nasty relationship with a string of collection agents.
Tracer Bullet: While thinking of business, guess what happened. The door swung open, and in walked trouble. Brunette, as usual.
Calvin is wearing a fedora
Calvin's Mom: Take off your hat at the dinner table Calvin. It is impolite.
Calvin{thinking}: She was a pushy dame, but she had a case.

[edit] Weirdos from Another Planet

Susie: I was going to ask you to play House, but I think you'd be a weird example for our children.
p36

[edit] The Revenge of the Baby-Sat

Calvin: If I was in charge, we'd never see grass between October and May.
p6
Calvin's Dad: I think "Santa" would rather have a cold beer.
p15
Hobbes: Strange that Santa would go to the trouble to wrap a box of coal.
p15
Calvin's Dad: (spotting Calvin's macabre snowmen) You can always tell when you get to our house.
p41
[Hobbes eating "Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs" to help Calvin get proof of the purchase seals to get a beanie.]
Hobbes: Blechh. I feel sick.
Calvin: Oh, c'mon. That's only your second bowl of cereal.
Hobbes: This stuff is pure sugar.
Calvin: But it's fortified with eight essential vitamins, so it's good for you.
Hobbes: Give me a break. This is like eating a bowl of Milk Duds.
Calvin: Look, it says right here, "Part of a wholesome, nutritious, balanced breakfast."
Hobbes: And they show a guy eating five grapefruits, a dozen bran muffins...
Calvin: (shaking) You know why you shake like that? Vitamin deficiency, I'll bet.
p43
Calvin's Mom: I haven't seen Calvin for about 15 minutes now. That probably means he's getting in trouble.
p76
Calvin: People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world.
Hobbes: Isn't your pants zipper supposed to be in the front?
p100
Calvin's Mom: How can kids know so much and still be so dumb?
p109
[Calvin and Hobbes are waiting for the school bus]
Calvin: How long have we been waiting for the bus now?
Hobbes: (looking at his watch) About two and a half hours.
Calvin: I think mom put me out here this early on purpose!
p123
Calvin's Dad: I'm going to the office and get some sleep.
p124

[edit] Scientific Progress Goes "Boink"

Calvin: Dad, how come old photographs are in black & white? Did they not have color film back then?
Calvin's Dad: Sure they did. In fact, those old pictures are in color. It is just that the world was in black and white then.
Calvin: Really?
Calvin's Dad: The world didn't turn color until sometime in the 1930s, and it was pretty grainy color for a while, too.
Calvin: So how come old paintings are in color? Would they not have been subject to the same issue?
Calvin's Dad: Not neccesarily. A lot of great artists were insane.
Calvin: Even so, how could they have been able to discriminate the tones anyway? Would not their paint tubes have been shades of gray then?
Calvin's Dad: Precisely. But they turned color as did everything else in the 30s.
Calvin: So how come old photographs are in black & white?
Calvin's Dad: Because they were color photographs of a black and white world, remember?
Later, sitting on a branch
Calvin: The world is a complicated place, Hobbes.
Hobbes: Whenever I feel that way, I nap in a tree and wait for dinner.
p23 (29 Oct 89)
Calvin: I was reading about how countless species are being pushed toward extinction by man's destruction of forests. Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.
p29 (08 Nov 89)
Calvin: Hobbes, look what I have here.
Hobbes: A cardboard box?
Calvin: To the brainless and unattentive layman, yes. But this is my duplicator!
Hobbes: A duplicator? What is that?
Calvin: Instead of just creating paper, this machine creates an actual copy!
Hobbes{happy}: So our financial worries are over?
Calvin: And inflating currency is just one of its many uses.


Calvin's Dad: Numb toes build character.
p64 (21 Jan 90)
[Calvin and Hobbes are playing Scrabble.]
Calvin: Ha! I've got a great word and it's on a "Double word score" box!
Hobbes: "ZQFMGB" isn't a word! It doesn't even have a vowel!
Calvin: It is so a word! It's a worm found in New Guinea! Everyone knows that!
Hobbes: I'm looking it up.
Calvin: You do, and I'll look up that 12-letter word you played with all the Xs and Js!
Hobbes: What's your score for ZQFMGB?
Calvin: 957.
p76 (28 Feb 90)
Moe: Well, look who's here! It's Calvin, the only one who did not sign up for recess baseball! Why not, are you a girl?! Let's see your Barbie doll, you wimp!
Calvin: Hey, get off me! I am not a wimp! I, uh, just did not hear about it and am on my way to register right now.
Calvin proceeds towards office
Calvin{talking to himself}: Then again, if I am not a wimp, why am I taking the path of least resistance?
Susie: Hey Calvin, all the boys are signing up to play baseball at recess. Have you?
Calvin: No thanks.
Calvin plays with Susie on seesaw
Susie: That is surprising. If you don't mind me saying so, you are probably the only boy who has not.
Calvin: Fine by me. Don't get me wrong, I think backyard baseball is fun, but it loses its appeal in an organized setting. Everyone is always yelling at you to do this or that, and one mistake is doom to them.
Susie: I certainly see the validity of your point of view.
Calvin: I figured if I wanted that, I would enlist in the Army and at least get a paycheck for it.
Susie: I see you're bringing a glove today. Did you sign up for recess baseball?
Calvin: Yeah, don't remind me. You're lucky that girls don't have to put with this nonsense. If a girl doesn't want to play sports, that's fine! But if a guy doesn't spend his afternoon chasing some stupid ball, he's called a wimp! You girls have it easy!
Susie: On the other hand, boys aren't expected to live their lives twenty pounds underweight.
Calvin: And if you don't play sports, you don't get to make beer commercials!
p99
Calvin: I am not sure how to describe this oral report on our parents' careers...but I will say that after my dad and I are off to work and school, my mom puts on a patriotic leotard, cape and boots, and fights evil as a superheroine!
Home
Calvin's Mom: Another parent-teacher conference? If you ask me I think the teachers are overreacting to Calvin actually showing me some respect, in his own way.
Calvin's Dad: Wow, show me that outfit sometime.

[edit] Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow Goons

Calvin's Dad: I have all these great genes, but they're recessive. That's the problem here.
p8 (20 Jun 90)
Calvin: Nothing spoils fun like finding out it builds character.
p9 (23 Jun 90)
Calvin: By the power of the snow demons, snowman, come to life!
Snowman animates, then menacingly chases after Calvin
p11 (10 Jul 90)
Hobbes: You brought a snowman to life?!
Calvin: I did not know he would be evil! Hobbes, we have to get rid of it or it could kill us both! Got any ideas?
Hobbes: Which reminds me, how did they finally kill "Frosty"?
Calvin: Beats me! Now I wish I had watched that dumb show! Maybe they drove an icicle through his heart.
p11 (11 Jul 90)
Calvin: There he is. Ready Hobbes?
Hobbes: Ready!
Calvin and Hobbes emerge from hiding
Calvin & Hobbes{in unison}: Attack! Let him have it! Take that, snow goon!
Calvin and Hobbes hurl snowballs at snow goon, which have no effect
Hobbes: I am afraid our snowballs were absorbed by him. In fact, rather than stopping him, we gave him an idea.
Calvin: He is packing more snow onto himself. He is making himself bigger! Oh no!
p12 (12 Jul 90)
Susie: Our class voted Calvin the "Most likely to be seen on the news some day".
p13 (16 Jul 90)
Calvin: Susie, have you been attacked by any snow goons?
Susie: What is a snow goon?
Calvin: It looks like a snowman, but more deformed.
Susie: Oh, like all those evil-looking things in your lawn?
Calvin: What do you mean, "all those"?
p14 (17 Jul 1990)
Calvin: Oh man, the snow goons are multiplying! We cannot stay in our snow fort forever, we need to think of something.
Hobbes: I vote we make tracks for Texas.
Night
Calvin: Look Hobbes, the snow goons have stopped moving.
Hobbes: Maybe they react to sunlight.
Calvin's Mom: Calvin, time for bed.
Calvin: Mom, I need to stop the snow goons tonight.
Calvin's Mom: Enough playing Calvin. Get inside.
Calvin: Moms and reason are like oil and water.
Calvin: OK, Hobbes, once Mom and Dad go to bed we will sneak out and kill the snow goons by throwing hot water on them.
Hobbes: Got it.
Calvin: Remember, we have to be extra quiet to avoid waking my parents.
Hobbes: Capiche.
Calvin and Hobbes are on the stairs
Calvin: Shhh.
Hobbes: Shhh.
Calvin and Hobbes are at the cloak room
Calvin: Shh.
Hobbes: Shh.
Calvin and Hobbes are outside. This wakes up Calvin's dad
Calvin & Hobbes{in unison}: HA HA! DIE, SNOW GOON, DIE!!
Calvin's Dad: Oh for crying out loud Calvin, get in here!
Calvin's dad slips from all the hot water that Hobbes and Calvin used to kill the snow goons
Calvin's Dad{disoriented}: WUAGH! The whole yard is ice!
A snow-coated dad chases after Calvin in anger while Calvin is clutching a stuffed Hobbes
Calvin: Run, Hobbes, run! Dad is a snow goon too!
Calvin: It seems like once people grow up, they have no idea what's cool.
p19 (01 Aug 90)
Hobbes: Why waste time learning, when ignorance is instantaneous?
p38 (15 Nov 90)
Hobbes: Van Gogh would've sold more than one painting if he'd put tigers in them.
p52 (14 Oct 90)
Calvin: They say winning isn't everything, and I've decided to take their word for it.
p53 (19 Oct 90)
Calvin: In my opinion, we don't devote nearly enough scientific research to finding a cure for jerks.
p58 (29 Oct 90)
Calvin: It's hard to be religious when certain people are never incinerated by bolts of lightning.
p62 (08 Nov 90)
Calvin's Dad: I don't know whether your grasp of theology or meteorology is the more appalling.
p68 (23 Nov 90)
Calvin: I like maxims that don't encourage behavior modification.
p90 (19 Jan 91)
Susie: Uh oh... here comes Calvin - the Incurable Weirdness poster child.
p125 (31 Mar 91)
Calvin's Mom: Good morning, Calvin.
Calvin: So that you know, I will now be known as Calvin the Bold.
Calvin's Mom: I did not realize you gained such prestige.
Calvin: Calvin the Bold also wishes to let it be known that we will be referring to him in the third person.
p126 (April 8th, 1991)
Calvin's Dad: By the finite patience vested in me, I hereby dub thee "mud." You may rise.
p126 (10 Apr 91)

[edit] The Days Are Just Packed

Hobbes: So the secret to good self-esteem is to lower your expectations to the point where they're already met?
Calvin: Right. We should take pride in our mediocrity.
Hobbes: Remind me to invest overseas.
p23 (11 Feb 92)
Calvin: Mom and Dad drive me crazy. They don't understand me and I don't understand them. It's hopeless! I'm related to people I don't relate to.
p25 (13 Feb 92)
Calvin: [as Spaceman Spiff] Free to roam the heavens in man's noble quest to investigate the weirdness of the universe!
p50 (29 Mar 92)
Calvin: Do you believe in the Devil? You know, a supreme evil being dedicated to the temptation, corruption, and destruction of man?
Hobbes: I'm not sure man needs the help.
Calvin: You just can't talk to animals about these things.
p54 (06 Apr 92)
Hobbes: I don't know which is worse...that everyone has his price, or that the price is always so low.
p56 (08 Apr 92)
Susie: The way Calvin's brain is wired, you can almost hear the fuses blowing.
p64 (23 Apr 92)
Calvin: Isn't it strange that evolution would give us a sense of humor? When you think about it, it's weird that we have a physiological response to absurdity. We laugh at nonsense. We like it. We think it's funny. Don't you think it's odd that we appreciate absurdity? Why would we develop that way? How does it benefit us?
Hobbes: I suppose if we couldn't laugh at things that don't make sense, we couldn't react to a lot of life.
Calvin: (after a long pause) I can't tell if that's funny or really scary.
p64 (19 Apr 92)
Calvin: Paul Gauguin asked, "whence do we come? What are we? Where are we going?" Well, I don't know about anyone else, but I came from my room, I'm a kid with big plans, and I'm going outside! See ya later!
Calvin departs, and his mother is thinking to herself what was said
Calvin immediately returns
Calvin: Say, who the heck is Paul Gauguin anyway?
p69 (01 May 92)
Calvin: Our country was founded a long time ago, roughly around 200 B.C.
Miss Wormwood: 200 B.C.?!
Calvin: "Before Calvin." [Later, in a dunce cap] THAT'S WHAT'S IMPORTANT! (16 May 92)
Calvin: When I grow up, I'm not going to read the newspaper and I'm not going to follow complex issues and I'm not going to vote. That way I can complain when the government doesn't represent me. Then, when everything goes down the tubes, I can say the system doesn't work and justify my further lack of participation.
Hobbes: An ingeniously self-fulfilling plan.
Calvin: It's a lot more fun to blame things than to fix them.
p78 (18 May 92)
Calvin: The secret to happiness is short-term, stupid self-interest!
p79 (17 May 92)
Calvin: You call this news?! This isn't informative! This is a sound bite! This is entertainment! This is sensationalism! Fortunately, that's all I have the patience for.
p96 (19 Jun 92)
Hobbes: What would you call the creation of the universe?
Calvin: The Horrendous Space KABLOOIE!
p101 (21 Jun 92)
Calvin: Boy, there's nothing worse than an inscrutable omen.
p106 (06 Jul 92)
Calvin: Childhood is for spoiling adulthood.
p107 (08 Jul 92)
Hobbes: Science kind of takes the fun out of the portent business.
p107 (07 Jul 92)
Calvin: [I pray for] The strength to change what I can, the inability to accept what I can't, and the incapacity to tell the difference.
p137 (28 Aug 92)
Calvin: Miss Wormwood, I'm a fierce advocate of the separation of church and state. Nevertheless, I feel the need for spiritual guidance and comfort as I face the day's struggles. So I was wondering if I could strip down, smear myself with paste, and set fire to this little effigy of you in a non-denominational sort of way. [Outside the principal's office] Boy, what a touchy subject!
Calvin: Everybody I know fails the acid test of friendship.
p154

[edit] Homicidal Psycho Jungle Cat

Calvin: If mom and dad cared about me at all, they'd buy me some infra-red nighttime vision goggles.
p5
Calvin: Everybody I know needs a complete personality overhaul!
p36
Calvin: I'm being educated against my will! My rights are being trampled!
Hobbes: Is it a right to remain ignorant?
Calvin: I don't know, but I refuse to find out!
p41
Calvin: Life is full of surprises, but never when you need one.
p42
Calvin: Verbing weirds language.
p.53
Calvin: If you do the job badly enough, sometimes you don't get asked to do it again.
p55
[Calvin and Susie are playing "House." Every panel of the strip until the last one is drawn depicting Calvin and Susie as adults.]
Adult Susie: Mmmm. This dinner you fixed is delicious, honey. What is it?
Adult Calvin: It's dog food. And don't call me "honey."
Adult Susie: You can't feed me DOG food! I'm the President of the United States!
Adult Calvin: No, you're the president of Deluded Fruitcakes Anonymous! Give me a break!
Adult Susie: You're just mad because you're the "First Husband" and you have to vacuum the White House all day!
Adult Calvin: I AM NOT! As a matter of fact, I'm not your husband at all! [begins taking off his clothes]
Adult Susie: What are you doing?! Stop being such a little weirdo!
Adult Calvin: Me WONGA-TAA! King of Jungle!
Adult Susie: Oh, nice underpants! You're really gross.
Adult Calvin: Me off to jungle! Find tiger friend! Live with animals!
Adult Susie: I can run the country better without you! Good riddance, you moron!
Adult Calvin: It take one to know one!
Calvin: [to Hobbes, still stripped down to his briefs] Boy, am I glad to see you. Playing with Susie is a big waste of time. You wouldn't believe the junk she can imagine.
Hobbes: Nice underpants.
Calvin's Mom: [on phone] What do you mean Calvin left his clothes with Susie??
p.56
Calvin: I used to hate writing assignments, but now I enjoy them. I realized that the purpose of writing is to inflate weak ideas, obscure poor reasoning, and inhibit clarity. With a little practice, writing can be an intimidating and impenetrable fog! Want to see my book report?
Hobbes: (Reading Calvin's paper) "The Dynamics of Interbeing and Monological Imperatives in Dick and Jane: A Study in Psychic Transrelational Gender modes."
Calvin: Academia, here I come!
p62
Calvin: Reality continues to ruin my life.
p67
Hobbes: I wonder what people knew before there were magazine quizzes.
p.78
Calvin: Miss Wormwood, I protest this "C" grade! That's saying I only did an "average" job! I got 75% of the answers correct, and in today's society, doing something 75% right is outstanding! If government and industry were 75% competent, we'd be ecstatic! I won't stand for this artificial standard of performance! I demand an "A" for this kind of work!

(next panel)I think it's really gross how she drinks Maalox straight from the bottle.

p.85
Calvin: Do you think babies are born sinful, that they come into the world as sinners?
Hobbes: No, I think they're just quick studies.
Calvin: Whenever you discuss certain things with animals, you get insulted.
p.90
Hobbes: There's more to this world than just people, you know.
p105
Calvin's Dad: Cyclists have a right to the road too, you noisy, polluting, inconsiderate maniacs! I hope gas goes up to eight bucks a gallon!
p.106
Calvin: You know how people are. They only recognize greatness when some authority confirms it.
p109
Hobbes: The important thing is we tried our best.
Calvin: The important thing is we lost!
Hobbes: Oops, I always forget that the purpose of competition is to divide people into winners and losers.
Calvin: What's the point of trying if you can't be a winner?
Calvin's Dad: Calvin, losing is a part of life. You should learn to be a good sport about it and keep things in perspective. After all, winning isn't everything.
Calvin: Is that really what they believe on the planet you're from?
Calvin's Dad: You've been watching athletic shoes ads again, haven't you?
p.110
Calvin: Do you believe in evolution?
Hobbes: No.
Calvin: You don't believe humans evolved from monkeys?
Hobbes: I sure don't see any difference. [Calvin angrily chases him] Woo hoo hoo!
p.114
Calvin: I believe personal greed justifies everything. Also, private lives are legitimate public entertainment. And the lowest common denominator is always right. Do I have career options or what?
Hobbes: I think I need to start hanging around with other animals.
p.122
Calvin: The problem with people is that they don't look at the big picture. Eventually, we're each going to die, our species will go extinct, the sun will explode, and the universe will collapse. Existence isn't only temporary, it's pointless! We're all doomed, and worse, nothing matters!
Calvin: Miss Wormwood, could we arrange our seats in a circle and have a little discussion? Specifically, I'd like to debate whether cannibalism ought to be grounds for leniency in murders, since it's less wasteful. [In the corner with a dunce cap] For some reason, they'd rather teach us stuff that any fool can look up in a book.
p125
Calvin: Like delicate lace, so the threads intertwine,
oh, gossamer web of wond'rous design!
Such beauty and grace wild nature produces...
[disgusted] Ughh, look at that spider suck out that bug's juices!
p140
Calvin: Mom and Dad say I should make my life an example of the principles I believe in...But everytime I do, they tell me to stop it.
p.140
Calvin: The only skills I have the patience to learn are those that have no real application in life.
p142
Calvin: From now on, I'm not doing anything I don't want to do! The world owes me happiness, fulfillment and success.... I'm just here to cash in.
p145
Calvin: What assurance do I have that your parenting isn't screwing me up?
p146

(After Calvin hits a baseball and breaks a house window, walks up to Susie)

Calvin: Don't ask dumb questions. Just ring my doorbell, hold the bat, and yell HA! HA!
Susie: Why is that worth ten cents to you?
p.150
Calvin: History is the fiction we invent to persuade ourselves that events are knowable and that life has order and direction. That's why events are always reinterpreted when values change. We need new versions of history to allow for our current prejudices.
p152
Calvin: These real-life video programs are great! Here are ordinary people having actual, horrible experiences, which are broadcast nationwide for the public's viewing amusement! It's intrusion, exploitation, and voyeurism all in one! You never know where a video camera will be! Everything's fair game!
Hobbes: Who'd have guessed Big Brother would go commercial?
Calvin: I love to snicker at other people's tragedy.
p.156

[edit] There's Treasure Everywhere

Calvin: Today at school, I tried to decide whether to cheat on my test or not. I wondered, is it better to do the right thing and fail...or is it better to do the wrong thing and succeed? On the one hand, undeserved success gives no satisfaction...but on the other hand, well-deserved failure gives no satisfaction either. Of course, most everybody cheats some time or other. People always bend the rules if they think they can get away with it. Then again, that doesn't justify my cheating. Then I thought, look, cheating on one little test isn't such a big deal. It doesn't hurt anyone. But then I wondered if I was just rationalizing my unwillingness to accept the consequence of not studying. Still, in the real world, people care about success, not principles. Then again, maybe that's why the world is such a mess. What a dilemma!
Hobbes: So what did you decide?
Calvin: Nothing. I ran out of time and I had to turn in a blank paper.
Hobbes: Anymore, simply acknowledging the issue is a moral victory.
Calvin: Well, it just seemed wrong to cheat on an ethics test.
p. 12
Calvin: Look, a dead bird!
Hobbes: It must've hit a window.
Calvin: Isn't it beautiful? It's so delicate. Sighhh... once it's too late, you appreciate what a miracle life is. You realize that nature is ruthless and our existence is very fragile, temporary, and precious. But to go on with your daily affairs, you can't really think about that...which is probably why everyone takes the world for granted and why we act so thoughtlessly. It's very confusing. I suppose it will all make sense when we grow up.
Hobbes: No doubt.
p16
Calvin: I'm a 21st-century kid trapped in a 19th-century family.
p18
Susie: Sometimes I think books are the only friends worth having.
p25
Hobbes: So basically, this maverick is urging everyone to express his individuality through conformity in brand-name selection?
p29
[Calvin is posing in his underwear in front of his mirror.]
Calvin: Made in God's own image, yes sir!
Hobbes: God must have a goofy sense of humor.
p31
[Calvin is outside, looking up at the stars.]
Calvin: I'M SIGNIFICANT!...screamed the dust speck.
p30
Calvin: Everybody seeks happiness! Not me, though! That's the difference between me and the rest of the world. Happiness isn't good enough for me! I demand euphoria!
p34
Calvin: They say the world is a stage. But obviously the play is unrehearsed and everybody is ad-libbing his lines.
Hobbes: Maybe that's why it's hard to tell if we're living in a tragedy or a farce.
Calvin: We need more special effects and dance numbers.
p.62
Calvin: Incredibly, people never expect to get hit with a snowball in the house.
Hobbes: I'll see you in your room momentarily.
p78
Calvin: Some people complain all the time! They complain about the least little thing! If something bugs them, they never let go of it! They just go on and on long after anyone else is interested! It's just complain, complain, complain! People who gripe all the time really drive me nuts! You'd think they'd change the subject after a while, but they never do! They just keep griping until you start to wonder, 'What's wrong with this idiot?' But they go on complaining and repeating what they've already said!
Hobbes: Maybe they're not very self aware.
Calvin: Boy, that's another thing that gets on my nerves!
p.83
Calvin: As you can see, I have memorized this utterly useless piece of information long enough to pass a test question. I now intend to forget it forever. You've taught me nothing except how to cynically manipulate the system. Congratulations.
p.90
Calvin: I understand my tests are popular reading in the teachers' lounge.
p.91
Calvin: [to Moe, the bully] Your simian countenance suggests a heritage unusually rich in species diversity.
Moe: ...What?
Calvin: [handing over his milk money] Here. That was worth 25 cents.
p.91
Calvin's Dad: Why is it that I can recall a cigarette ad jingle from 25 years ago, but I can't remember what I just got up to do?
p93
Calvin: Trifle not with tired tigers.
p106
Calvin: This piece of pie is awfully darn small!
Calvin's Mom: Life could be a lot worse, Calvin.
Calvin: Life could be a lot better too! … But worse is more likely.
p121
Calvin: My internal clock is on Tokyo time.
p.129
Calvin: I sure am great! I'm one of the greatest people who ever lived! How lucky people are to know someone as great as me! I'm great in so many great ways! In fact, I'm so great that my greatness is...
Susie: You're not great! You're the most conceited blowhard I've ever met!
Calvin: When you're great, people often mistake candor for bragging.
p.130
Hobbes: Virtual reality is already here.
p132
Calvin (writing, after being asked to explain Newton's First Law of Motion "in his own words"): Yakka foob mog. Grug pubbawup zink wattoom gazork. Chumble spuzz. (speaking) I love loopholes.
p133
Calvin: I'm thinking of starting my own talk radio show. I'll spout simplistic opinions for hours on end, ridicule anyone who disagrees with me, and generally foster divisiveness, cynicism, and a lower level of public dialog!
Hobbes: It would seem you were born for the job.
Calvin: Imagine getting paid to act like a six-year-old!
p.138
Calvin: [sighs] I wish I could go to the moon.
Calvin's Dad: I wish you could too.
Calvin's Mom: Dear.
p.140
Calvin: Why should I have to WORK for everything?! It's like saying I don't deserve it!
p142
Calvin: One of my baby teeth came out! I have to say, I'm not entirely comfortable holding a piece of my own head.
p149
Calvin: My brain always rejects attitude transplants.
p158
Calvin: Look at how people are portrayed in the comic strips. The women are indecisive whiners, nagging shrews, and bimbos! And the men are no better. They're befuddled morons, heavy drinkers, gluttons, and lazy goof-offs! Everyone is incompetent, unappreciated, and unsuccessful! What kind of insidious social programming is this?? No wonder the world's such a mess! I demand politically correct, morally uplifting role models in the funnies!
Calvin's Dad: Yes, we all know how funny good role models are.
Calvin: And look, all the kids are obnoxious brats!
p.158
Calvin: Cigars are all the rage, Dad. You should smoke cigars!
Calvin's Mom: Flatulence could be all the rage, but it would still be disgusting.
Calvin: I see.
Dad: Nicely put, dear.
p.166
Calvin: Sometimes when I'm talking, my words can't keep up with my thoughts. I wonder why we can think faster than we speak?.
Hobbes: Probably so we can think twice.
p.171

[edit] It's a Magical World

Calvin: I hate all this wind! Boy, this is unpleasant! Stupid, miserable wind! What lousy weather! What an awful day!
Hobbes: Well if you can't change it, what's the point in griping about it?
Calvin: I'm not going to let a little wind be more annoying than me.
p20
Calvin: You know, Hobbes, some days even my lucky rocketship underpants don't help.
p33
Calvin: I'm a great believer in the value of novelty. I say anything new is good by definition! It can shock, insult, or offend me, so long as it doesn't bore me! If you can't give me something new, then repackage the old so it looks new! Novelty is all that matters! I won't pay attention if it's not fresh and different!
Hobbes: I see why timeless truth doesn't sell.
Calvin: Give me a good flash in the pan any day.
p38
Calvin: I'd hate to think that all my current experiences will someday become stories with no point.
p39
Hobbes: If you couldn't find any weirdness, maybe we'll just have to make some!
Calvin: Now yer talkin'!
p45
Calvin: People always make the mistake of thinking art is created for them. But really, art is a private language for sophisticates to congratulate themselves on their superiority to the rest of the world. As my artist's statement explains, my work is utterly incomprehensible and is therefore full of deep significance.
Hobbes: You misspelled Weltanschauung.
p68 (July 15, 1995)
Calvin: Shock and titillate me! I've got money!
p74
Susie: Did you know that nobody on our street sets an alarm clock in the morning?
p97
Calvin: To make a bad day worse, spend it wishing for the impossible.
p113
Calvin: Trick or treat!
Adult: Where's your costume? What are you supposed to be?
Calvin: I'm yet another resource-consuming kid in an overpopulated planet, raised to an alarming extent by Madison Avenue and Hollywood, poised with my cynical and alienated peers to take over the world when you're old and weak. [Next panel, walking away eating candy] Am I scary, or what?
p130
Calvin: It's a magical world, Hobbes, ol' buddy...Let's go exploring!
Last line of the final Calvin and Hobbes strip

[edit] The Essential Calvin and Hobbes

Calvin: Leave it to a girl to take all the fun out of sex discrimination.
p26
Calvin: (Talking on a pay phone)Hello Dad! It is now three in the morning. Do you know where I am?
p29
Hobbes: How come we play war and not peace?
Calvin: Too few role models.
p72
Hobbes: Did you ask your Mom if you could jump off the roof?
Calvin: Questions I know the answers to I don't need to ask, right?
p75
Calvin's Dad: The world isn't fair, Calvin.
Calvin: I know, but why isn't it ever unfair in my favor?
p82
Calvin: There's no problem so awful that you can't add some guilt to it and make it even worse!
p100
Calvin: I try to make everyone's day a little more surreal.
p152
Calvin: Where do we keep all our chainsaws, Mom?
Calvin's Mom: We do not own any.
Calvin walks away disappointed
Calvin{talking to himself}: Then how am I ever supposed to learn how to juggle?
p212
Calvin: I wonder if you can refuse to inherit the world.
Hobbes: I think if you're born, it's too late.
p227

[edit] The Authoritative Calvin and Hobbes

Calvin: Do you have any money?
Hobbes: No.
Calvin: How can we get some? Who do you know that we could sue?
p29
Calvin: Happiness is being famous for your financial ability to indulge in every kind of excess.
p35
Hobbes: You know, there are times when it's a source of personal pride to not be human.
p39
Calvin: Girls are like slugs—they probably serve some purpose, but it's hard to imagine what.
p71
Calvin: Hey Susie, what's the answer to Question 7?
Susie Derkins: Imadoofus.
Calvin: Thanks.

(Calvin realizes Susie has tricked him)

Calvin: The Tooth Fairy's gonna make you rich tonight, Susie.
p76
Calvin: I won't eat any cereal that doesn't turn the milk purple.
p86
Hobbes: If you don't get a good night kiss, you get Kafka dreams.
p87
Calvin: But Calvin is no kind and loving god! He's one of the old gods! He demands sacrifice!
p99
Hobbes: I had resolved to be less offended by human nature, but I think I blew it already.
p111
Susie: Calvin, you are the worst partner and know nothing about space.
Calvin: Not so Susie. A study has shown that some kids do not do well in school because they are too smart for the coursework and thus are bored by it.
Susie{sarcastically}: Oh right, you are too smart.
Calvin: Believe it, lady. You know how Einstein got bad grades as a kid? Well, mine are even worse!
p121
Calvin's Dad: I think we'd better get that kid to a psychologist.
p136
Calvin: Life's a lot more fun when you're not responsible for your actions.
p152
Calvin: That's one of the remarkable things about life. It's never so bad that it can't get worse.
p190
Calvin: I'd hate to have a kid like me.
p203
Hobbes:mfggg... yes i'm VERY fond of calvin... pass the gravy...
Calvin: There's never enough time to do all the nothing you want.
p213
Hobbes: Most people don't sleep well next to a hungry tiger.
p214
Calvin: I go to school, but I never learn what I want to know.
p235

[edit] The Indispensable Calvin and Hobbes

Calvin: As far as I'm concerned, if something is so complicated that you can't explain it in 10 seconds, then it's probably not worth knowing anyway.
p25
Calvin: Childhood is short and maturity is forever.
p33
Calvin: I'm sick of everyone telling me what to do all the time! I hate my life! I hate everything! I wish I was DEAD! [pause] Well, no I don't. Not really. I wish everyone ELSE was dead.
p.56


Calvin: I think nighttime is dark so you can imagine your fears with less distraction.
p77
Calvin: Things are never quite as scary when you've got a best friend.
p77
Calvin: True friends are hard to come by...I need more money.
p86
Calvin and Hobbes are in wagon
Calvin: I think life should be more like TV. I think all of life's problems ought to be solved in 30 minutes with simple homilies, don't you? I think weight and oral hygiene ought to be our biggest concerns. I think we should all have powerful, high-paying jobs, and everyone should drive fancy sports cars. All our desires should be instantly gratified. Women should always wear tight clothing, and men should carry powerful handguns. Life overall should be more glamorous, thrill-packed, and filled with applause, don't you think?
Calvin crashes wagon; Hobbes recovers from dizziness
Hobbes: I think my life is too scatterbrained as is.
Calvin: Then again, if real life was like that, what would we watch on television?
p94
Calvin: I am inventing a robot who will make my bed. First I need to draft blueprints, then I need to get the materials.
Hobbes: Wouldn't inventing a robot be more work than making a bed?
Calvin: It's only work if somebody makes you do it.
p126
Calvin: Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.
p157
Calvin: But for my own example, I'd never believe one little kid could have so much brains!
p182
[Calvin has created several duplicates of himself.]
Calvin: The worst part is that I don't even have the fun of doing the things I'm getting blamed for.
p188
Hobbes: Live and don't learn, that's us.
p190
Calvin: This morning I had a wonderful dream. By holding my arms out stiff and pushing down hard, I found I could suspend myself a few feet above ground. I flapped harder, and soon I was soaring effortlessly over the trees and telephone poles! I could fly! I folded my arms back and zoomed low over the neighborhood. Everyone was amazed, and they ran along under me as I shot by. Then I rocketed up so fast that my eyes watered from the wind. I laughed and laughed, making huge loops in the sky! ... That's when Mom woke me up and said I was going to miss the bus if I didn't get my bottom out of bed; 20 minutes later, here I am, standing in the cold rain, waiting to go to school, and I just remembered I forgot my lunch. Tuesdays don't start much worse than this.
p207
Calvin: [as Stupendous Man] Yahh! Freedom and justice shall always prevail over tyranny, babysitter girl!
p218
Calvin: Every time I've built character, I've regretted it.
p225

[edit] Interview with John Campanelli of The Plain Dealer

  • The only part I understand is what went into the creation of the strip. What readers take away from it is up to them. Once the strip is published, readers bring their own experiences to it, and the work takes on a life of its own. Everyone responds differently to different parts. I just tried to write honestly, and I tried to make this little world fun to look at, so people would take the time to read it. That was the full extent of my concern. You mix a bunch of ingredients, and once in a great while, chemistry happens. I can't explain why the strip caught on the way it did, and I don't think I could ever duplicate it. A lot of things have to go right all at once.
  • It's always better to leave the party early. If I had rolled along with the strip's popularity and repeated myself for another five, 10 or 20 years, the people now "grieving" for "Calvin and Hobbes" would be wishing me dead and cursing newspapers for running tedious, ancient strips like mine instead of acquiring fresher, livelier talent. And I'd be agreeing with them.
  • Ah, the life of a newspaper cartoonist -- how I miss the groupies, drugs and trashed hotel rooms!

[edit] Unsourced

  • I hope some historian will confirm that I was the first cartoonist to use the word "booger" in a newspaper comic strip.
    • The Calvin and Hobbes Tenth Anniversary Book (pg 78)
  • So, what's it like in the real world? Well, the food is better, but beyond that, I don't recommend it.
    • Kenyon College Commencement Address (May 20, 1990)
  • You can lead people to truth, but you can't make them understand it: the story of my youth, as seen from the present.
    • The Calvin and Hobbes Tenth Anniversary Book
  • If you ever want to find out just how uninteresting you really are, get a job where the quality and frequency of your thoughts determine your livelihood. I've found that the only way I can keep writing every day, year after year, is to let my mind wander into new territories. To do that, I've had to cultivate a kind of mental playfulness.
    • Kenyon College Commencement Address (May 20, 1990)
  • We're not really taught how to recreate constructively. We need to do more than find diversions; we need to restore and expand ourselves. Our idea of relaxing is all too often to plop down in front of the television set and let its pandering idiocy liquefy our brains. Shutting off the thought process is not rejuvenating; the mind is like a car battery— it recharges by running.
    • Kenyon College Commencement Address (May 20, 1990)
  • Selling out is usually more a matter of buying in. Sell out, and you're really buying into someone else's system of values, rules and rewards.
    • Kenyon College Commencement Address (May 20, 1990)
  • Such is American business, I guess, where the desire for obscene profit mutes any discussion of conscience.
    • Kenyon College Commencement Address (May 20, 1990)
  • Creating a life that reflects your values and satisfies your soul is a rare achievement. In a culture that relentlessly promotes avarice and excess as the good life, a person happy doing his own work is usually considered an eccentric, if not a subversive. Ambition is only understood if it's to rise to the top of some imaginary ladder of success. Someone who takes an undemanding job because it affords him the time to pursue other interests and activities is considered a flake. A person who abandons a career in order to stay home and raise children is considered not to be living up to his potential-as if a job title and salary are the sole measure of human worth. You'll be told in a hundred ways, some subtle and some not, to keep climbing, and never be satisfied with where you are, who you are, and what you're doing. There are a million ways to sell yourself out, and I guarantee you'll hear about them.
    • Kenyon College Commencement Address (May 20, 1990)

[edit] Calvin & Hobbes

Calvin: Much as I like my "Chocolate Frosted Crunchy Sugar Bombs", the best part is after the cereal's gone. That's when I eat the milk that's sludgy from all the extra sugar I added. Sometimes I eat two to three bowls of this.
Hobbes: I can hear your heart racing from here.
Calvin: They make these with marshmallow bits, too, but Mom won't buy them for me.
Calvin: I think geniuses should be given special considerations.
Calvin: For a girl, she's remarkably perceptive!
Calvin: Hey Mom, what are you making for dinner?
Calvin's Mom: Tortellini.
Calvin: Oh no, not that! Nothing is more disgusting than tortellini! Can't we have something else?
Den. Calvin is reading a dictionary
Calvin{dictating from dictionary}: Let us see...tortellini, tortellini..T-O-R...
Calvin: Despite that amazing display of cunning, reflex, and physical prowess, your tail still has a death-grip on your butt.
Calvin: Want to see an ant elope?
Hobbes: An antelope?
Calvin: Come on!
Calvin shows Hobbes an anthill
Calvin: Look, she is climbing down the ladder to her boyfriend's car!
Hobbes looks grumpy
Calvin: You are not laughing.
Hobbes{annoyed}: It is not funny.
Calvin: Your polls are slipping, Dad. You better get your act together.
Calvin's Dad: Calvin, being a father is not an elected position. I do not have to respond to polls.
Calvin: Not elected? No constitution? You mean you can rule with dictatorial impunity?
Calvin's Dad: Exactly.
Calvin: In short, our only hope for change is through revolt and exile.
Calvin's Dad: I do not like the way this conversation is going.
Calvin: What grade did you get, Susie?
Susie: I got an A.
Calvin: Really? Boy, I'd hate to be you. I got a C.
Susie: Why on earth would you rather get a C than an A?!
Calvin: I find my life is a lot easier the lower I keep everyone's expectations.
[Susie, who has just been hit in the back of the head with a snowball, storms over to Calvin.]
Susie: DID YOU THROW THAT?!?
Calvin: Throw what?
Susie: Let me see your mittens! There, look! Flecks of bark, pieces of gravel, spots of mud, and granules of ice! That was your snowball, all right!
Calvin: [buried in the snow after having been attacked by Susie] That's the problem with having a signature style.
Calvin: If ignorance is bliss, this lesson would appear to be a deliberate attempt to deprive me of happiness, the pursuit of which is my unalienable right according to the Declaration of Independence. I therefore assert my patriotic prerogative not to know this material. I'll be out on the playground.
Calvin: Yahoo! It snowed! I can go sledding! The schools are probably frozen solid!
Calvin's Mom: Get dressed Calvin. It only snowed one inch.
Calvin: Getting an inch of snow is like winning 10 cents in the lottery.
Calvin: I need to get this homework done. It will be faster if you help me. What is 8 + 3?
Hobbes: I don't know.
Calvin: Man, neither do I.
Hobbes: Then write "I don't know".
Calvin: Hey, that's an honest answer! I can put it down for all of them. We are done!
Calvin and Hobbes run outdoors to play
Calvin's Mom{shouting from indoors}: We had better have a look at our prodigy's homework.
Calvin: [On Moe the bully] Years from now, when I'm successful and happy, and he's in prison... I hope I'm not too mature to gloat.
Calvin: [On Moe the bully] Never argue with a six-year-old who shaves.
Calvin: Every day at school I am threatened by Moe. I need you to help me.
Hobbes: How so?
Calvin: I will take you to school with me and you can eat Moe!
Hobbes: Forget it!
Calvin: Why not?!
Hobbes: Fat kids are high in cholesterol!
Calvin: Then just chew him up and spit him out, I do not care!
Calvin: [Mom let him try a cigarette and he nearly hacked himself to death] Trusting parents can be hazardous to your health.
Calvin: Don't be so dysfunctional, Mom.
Hobbes: Tommorow is Independence Day. The Declaration of Independence says that all men are created equal, and are entitled to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.
Calvin ponders the meaning of liberty and the upcoming holiday for a moment
Calvin: So when does Paul Revere ride through town and give us our presents?
Calvin: [telling Miss Wormwood why he didn't read his history assignment] The book publisher didn't use the proper print fixative. Needless to say, when I picked up the book, all the letters slid off the pages and fell on the floor in a heap of gibberish.
Calvin: The problem with rock and roll is that the generation that created it is now the establishment. Rock pretends it's still rebellious with its video posturing, but who believes it? The stars are all either 45-year-old zillionaires or they endorse soft drinks! The 'revolution' is a capitalist industry! Give me a break! Fortunately, I've found some protest music for today's youth. This stuff really offends Mom and Dad!
Hobbes: Easy-listening Muzak?
Calvin: I play it real quiet, too.
Calvin: I sure like "Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs"! Look how brown the milk gets!
Hobbes: Ugh.
Calvin: Want to see something weird? Look at the nutritional information on the side panel.
Hobbes: Wow. 100% of the Daily Recommended Allowance of Caffeine!
Calvin I got the new album by "Scrambled Debutante." All their songs glorify violence, mindless sex, and the deliberate abuse of dangerous drugs.
Hobbes: Your mother's going to go into conniptions when she sees this lying around.
[Calvin tosses the actual record into the trash.]
Calvin: Well, I sure didn't buy it for the music!
[Calvin, who has the chicken pox, calls Susie on the telephone.]
Susie: Hello?
Calvin: Hi, Susie! It's me, Calvin! I was wondering if you'd like to come over and play.
Susie: Why, sure! Boy, I don't think you've ever invited me to...
Calvin's Mom: Calvin, what are you doing?
Calvin: Nothing, Mom. Go away.
Calvin's Mom: You're contagious! You can't have anyone over to play!
Calvin: Shhhh! Shhhh! You'll spoil the whole thing! I was going to trick Susie into catching... HEY! OW! LET GO!
Susie: [Hanging up the phone] Any chance of getting transferred, Dad?
Hobbes: Jump! Jump! Jump! I win!
Calvin: You win? Aaugghh! You won last time! I hate it when you win! Aarrggh! Mff! Gnnk! I hate this game! I hate the whole world! Aghhh! What a stupid game! You must have cheated! You must have used some sneaky, underhanded mindmeld to make me lose! I hate you! I didn't want to play this idiotic game in the first place! I knew you'd cheat! I knew you'd win! Oh! Oh! Aarg!
[Calvin runs in circles around Hobbes screaming "Aaaaaaaaaaaa", then falls over.]
Hobbes: Look, it's just a game.
Calvin: [cheerfully] I know! You should see me when I lose in real life!
Calvin: I sure am great! I'm one of the greatest people who ever lived! How lucky people are to know someone as great as me! I'm great in so many great ways! In fact, I'm so great that my greatness is...
Susie: You're not great! You're the most conceited blowhard I've ever met!
Calvin: When you're great, people often mistake candor for bragging.
Moe: I don't like your face!
Calvin: Then don't look at it!
Moe: I'd rather change it! Haw!
[Moe punches Calvin.]
Calvin: I don't care about being accepted. I'd settle for being ignored.
Calvin's Dad{talking to himself}: I have been thinking that I should cut back on my time at the office. It is nothing but a grind. After all, I could be missing out on my family.
Calvin's Mom: [yelling at Calvin, still dripping wet from the shower] YOU GET BACK HERE AND PICK EVERY ONE OF THOSE DEAD BUGS OUT OF MY SHAMPOO!! I MEAN NOW!!!!
Office. Calvin's father is working diligently on reports while whistling
Hobbes: Shouldn't you be doing your homework?
Calvin: I'm pretty sure the assignment was optional.
Hobbes: Denial springs eternal.
Calvin: It's not denial. I'm just very selective about the reality I accept.
Miss Wormwood: Calvin! Pay attention! We're studying GEOGRAPHY! Now what state do you live in?
Calvin: Denial.
Miss Wormwood: [sighs] Well, I don't suppose I can argue with that...
Miss Wormwood: Calvin, can you tell us what Lewis and Clark did?
Calvin: No, but I can recite the secret superhero origin of each member of Captain Napalm's Thermonuclear League of Liberty.
Miss Wormwood: See me after class, Calvin.
Calvin: [retrospectively] I'm not dumb. I just have a command of thoroughly useless information.
Calvin: I have plenty of common sense. I just choose to ignore it.
Calvin: Sometimes when I'm talking, my words can't keep up with my thoughts. I wonder why we think faster than we can speak.
Hobbes: Probably so we can think twice.
Calvin's Dad: I wouldn't have been in such a rush to reach adulthood if I'd known the whole thing was going to be ad-libbed.
Calvin: [as Tracer Bullet] I introduced the dame to a friend who's very close to my heart. Just a little down and left, to be specific. My friend is an eloquent speaker. He made three profound arguments while I excused myself from the room. I always leave when the talk gets philosophical.
Hobbes: Tigers add panache and savoir faire to any social occasion.
Miss Wormwood: Calvin, your test was an absolute disgrace! It's obvious you haven't read any of the material. Our first president was not Chef Boy-Ar-Dee and you ought to be ashamed to have turned in such preposterous answers!
Calvin: I just don't test well.
Calvin: I want the last piece of pie! Don't divide it up! Give it to me!
Calvin's Mom: Don't be selfish, Calvin!
Calvin: So the REAL lesson here is "Be Dishonest?"
[Calvin's mom gives him the whole piece of pie.]
Calvin: My parents' idea of a wild night is to mix a scoop of real coffee in with the decaf.
Calvin : Can I be excused? There's a TV show I want to see.
Calvin's Mom : We're still eating dinner, Calvin.
Calvin: I'm through. This stuff tastes awful. I want to go watch television.
Calvin's Mom: It's impolite to leave the table in the middle of a meal.
Calvin: So what am I supposed to do? Just sit here and watch you guys CHEW?! I'll miss my show!
Calvin's Mom: Your TV show isn't as important as spending some time together as a family.
Calvin: We'll compromise. I'll go watch a sitcom family.
Calvin's Dad: In a minute you're going to discover the difference between those and real life.
(Later. Calvin is still sitting at the table with his parents.)
Calvin: My TV show is starting. I'm missing my show!
Calvin's Dad: This year, I thought we'd just keep the tree in the garage.
Calvin: In the GARAGE?!
Calvin's Dad: Sure. You can go out and look at it whenever you want, and it saves all the trouble of decorating it.
Calvin: We're not going to DECORATE it?!
Calvin's Dad: Why bother? We just take it all down in two weeks. On Christmas Day, if you get a present…
Calvin: IF I get A present?!
Calvin's Dad: …you can take it out to the garage to open, and pretend the tree has lots of lights and…
Calvin: MOM!
Calvin's Mom: [threateningly, to Dad] I know somebody who's going to get a lot of coal in his stocking, buster.
Calvin's Dad: This season gets less jolly every year.
Calvin's Dad: OK Calvin, you can quit homework.
Calvin: Really, thanks!
Calvin's Mom: Right. After all, it is not good to know too much. Because if you do you will learn...
Calvin's parents take off masks, revealing hostile extraterrestrials
Neptunians{in unison}: Your parents are really bug-eyed aliens from Neptune! ha ha ha ha ha
Calvin: AUGH! HELP! HELP!
Neptunian #1: Got the batter ready?
Neptunian #2: Yep, let's dunk the kid!
Calvin is coated in batter and put into a waffle iron
Neptunian #1: Mmm mmm! There's nothing like a fresh batch of Earth boy waffles!
Calvin: Waffles? HELP! HELP!
Calvin: Help!
Calvin's Dad: Calvin? What is wrong?
Calvin had fallen asleep and had a nightmare. His parents put him to bed
Calvin's Mom: Look dear, his face was pushed so hard against your leg it left curdoroy lines!
Calvin's Dad: Honey, have you seen my glasses?
Calvin's Mom: No, I haven't.
[Calvin walks in wearing the glasses.]
Calvin: [imitating Dad] Calvin, go do something you hate! Being miserable builds character!
[Calvin's Mom cracks up]
Calvin's Dad: Okay, I admit the voice was a little funny, but that's still one darn sarcastic kid we're raising.
Calvin: The problem with tigers is that they have no setting between "off" and "high".
Recess. Calvin is on the swings when he hears the bell. Calvin gets off the swings, but a section of his trousers is caught on the swing and rips
Calvin: OH NO!
Calvin{talking to himself}: Why is it you always rip your trousers on the day everybody has to show their work on the blackboard?
Calvin{talking to himself}: Oh man, I need to think of something urgent or else the class will be laughing uproariously at the rip in my trousers.
Calvin thinks but his mind comes up blank
Calvin: Of all the days to wear the underpants with the little rocket ships!
At the zoo
Calvin's Dad: Here is the monkey cage.
Calvin's Mom: Zoos let us see how wild animals behave in public.
Calvin: Ha ha! Look at what that monkey is doing! Gross! How come I am not allowed to do that in public?
Calvin's Dad{off-panel}: Time for us to go to the aviary, Calvin!
Calvin's dad: Being a parent is wanting to hug and strangle your kid at the same time.
Calvin: [after talking back to Moe and getting beaten up] The truth will set your teeth free.
Calvin: Mom, make me a peanut butter sandwich. Don't use any of those weird grain breads, I hate those. Be sure to cut it diagonally, not horizontally. I like triangles better than rectangles. Make it an open face sandwich, too! Don't put jelly on it!
Calvin's Mom: Your Majesty's sandwich.
Calvin: HEY! This is a closed-face, horizontally-cut sandwich on a wierd bread with jelly! Were you not listening?!
Calvin: Someone told me that big cats don't purr.
Hobbes{sternly}: Absolutely right. Us tigers are not like those puny little housecats. We do not purr or cuddle. And when we are on the prowl, we are especially dangerous.
Calvin: So what is that sound you make when you are relaxed?
Hobbes: Growling friendly-like.

[edit] See also

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