Bob's Burgers

Bob's Burgers is an animated U.S. sitcom, about Bob Belcher and his his family who run a restaurant. Bob's Burgers was created by Loren Bouchard and began broadcasting in 2011.

Season 1

Human Flesh [1.01]

Bob: Tina, you're on the grill.

Tina: My crotch is itchy.

Gene & Louise: Eww.

Bob: Ok. Are you telling me as my daughter or as my grill cook?

Tina: Umm... As...

Bob: Because my grill cook would never tell me that.

Tina: [Downcast] Oh.

Bob: Also, my daughter should probably not say anything like that to me. Tell her, tell your mom.

Tina: [Turns to Linda] My crotch is itchy.

---

Louise: Hello and welcome to Bob's Burgers. The burger of the day is the "child molester"—it comes with candy.

Crawl Space [1.02]

Linda: No one sheds like this family, it's like a bunch of Chewbaccas.

---

Louise: I hope they're using protection because I am not taking care of that baby.

---

Gene: My grandparents are staying with us and they were both alive during Prohibition-so this is what it sounds like when they have sex in the room next to mine.

Sacred Cow [1.03]

Documentary Director: Little girl, do you think cows should be ground up for food?

Louise: Only if they commit adultery.

Sexy Dance Fighting [1.04]

Louise: So you're not going to get revenge today?

Bob: No, Louise, I'm not.

Louise: OK, got it. [Slyly] Then I won't bring your credit card... which I cut into a ninja star!

Bob: Oh, you cut my credit card?

Louise: Into a ninja star!

Hamburger Dinner Theater [1.05]

Louise: [rehearsing] Red leather, yellow leather. Red leather, yellow leather.

Tina: Are you talking to me?

Louise: [angry] I'M WARMING UP MY INSTRUMENT! Unbelievable !

Tina: Um, I'm sorr... UUUHHHH..

Louise: Hey, I'm sorry. It's pre-show nerves. Come here. Hug for luck.

[Tina moves to hug Louise]

Louise: YOU FREAKIN' IDIOT! YOU DON'T HUG FOR LUCK IN THE THEATRE!

Tina: Aahh...

Louise: Sush, sush. I'm sorry baby. Sush, I didn't mean it baby. You know how I get before a big show,baby. You know how I get... GET OFFA ME! YOU'RE SMUDGING MY MAKE-UP!

Tina: Uuhh...

Louise: YOU WANT ME TO GO OUT IN FRONT OF THESE PEOPLE WITH THIS MAKE-UP ALL SMUDGED, YOU CLUMSY OAF?

Tina: Uuhh...

Louise: Sorry, baby, come here...

Sheesh! Cab, Bob? [1.06]

Linda: She deserves a special party this year.

Louise: If what it says in her diary is true, then I say she needs it. A LOT.

Gene: It's true.

Bob: Wait, you read her diary?

Linda: Yeah.

Louise: What I can stomach.

Linda: I just skim it to make sure she's not on drugs.

Bob: Wha... what does it say?

Linda: It says "I'm not on drugs".

Bed & Breakfast [1.07]

Teddy: I love bed and breakfasts. They're so quaint.

Louise: Aren't they? Random strangers, shedding skin cells all over the house...

---

Louise: [as Linda drags her away] I'll see you, in hell Teddy! I WILL SEE YOU IN HELL!

Art Crawl [1.08]

[Bob gasps in horror at the paintings]

Bob: Oh God. Oh my God, Lin.

Linda: It's just a few days, Bobby.

Bob: Linda, there are animal anuses all over our walls!

Linda: Just think of them as cute little rumps.

Bob: Lin, they're anuses. I'm trying to think of worse paintings to hang in a restaurant. Um, nope, I can't think of any!

---

Bob: Hey, kids.

Louise: Um, hey, Dad.

Bob: I had to get away from those anuses for a while.

Tina: You mean Mort and Teddy?

Bob: Um, no. Gail's paintings.

---

[Bob defiantly hangs up an "anus" painting. Edith gasps in shock]

Harold: BOB, YOU ARE IN DIRECT VIOLATION OF MY WIFE!

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Gene: Is Dad going to jail?

Tina: I'll wave at you every day.

Louise: Word of advice: don't tell them what you're in for.

Gene: I hope our new dad is blond.

---

Louise: I've been honest with these two ever since Gene got too fat.

Gene: I remember the ice-cream sandwich that did it too. I regret nothing!

Louise: And Tina, bad breath every day.

Tina: Not if you like fish.

Spaghetti Western and Meatballs [1.09]

Louise: Your room looks like it was decorated by a perverted jockey.

---

Bob: Mr. Frond. He's a tall glass of... annoying.

Linda: That may be so, but you're gonna have to drink that glass, mister!

Burger Wars [1.10]

Linda: When I die I want you to cremate me and throw my ashes in Tom Selleck's face.

---

Jimmy Pesto: You should keep your freaky kids locked up in your own place.

Bob: [furious] What did you say about my kids?

Linda: Hit him in his handsome groin!

---

Mr. Fischoeder: Bob, you may be the worst tenant I've ever had. And I rent space to a raccoon sanctuary!

Bob: I know. They're next door. I've been meaning to talk to you about it.

Weekend at Mort's [1.11]

Hugo: This is big! You'll have to close. The whole building must be tented for 48 hours.

Bob: Great. There goes our weekend revenue.

Linda: Oohh! Two days off. Bobby, we could use it!

Bob: I guess it has been a while since we've had a break...

Linda: Yeah. Ten years!

Bob: What? That can't be right.

Linda: Ten years, Bob. TEN YEARS.

Hugo: [sarcastic] You're really living the dream, Linda!

Lobsterfest [1.12]

Louise: Our family doesn't celebrate Lobsterfest. We're like Jews on Christmas.

Gene: Or Jews for Jesus on Hanukkah.

Teddy: Or me at a lesbian bar. I went to a lesbian bar last night, Bob. It was like I was invisible.

Torpedo [1.13]

Bob: Are you kidding? I wish I could afford urinal cake ads.

Season 2

The Belchies [2.01]

Teddy: My uncle Paddy told me about it. He used to work in Caffery's, back in the fifties. He was his maid.

Bob: Your uncle Paddy...was a maid?

Teddy: All maids were men back then. Until women joined the workforce and took all the maid jobs away.

Linda: Alright girls! Go girls!

---

Linda: [worried] They're not here! I got Tina's diary, let's see if it says anything. [reads diary] "Dear Diary, tonight we're sneaking into the dangerous taffy factory. Also, if boys had uteruses they'd be called duderuses".

Bob: Ha, "duderuses."

Bob Day Afternoon [2.02]

Louise: Action!

Bob: [practising] As you know,sir, we have several loans with your institutions, all "past due". But what does "past due" even mean, you know?

Gene: It's brilliant! There's no such thing as time!

Linda: Gene was "past due", and he came out fine.

Gene:I wish I'd stayed in there! [Dives under the table].

Linda: Hey! Get outta there!

Gene: LEMME IN!

Linda: Gene! Bob!

Bob: Oh God.

Linda: [annoyed] This is your son.

Louise: Sorry Gene, no backsies.

Synchronized Swimming [2.03]

Linda: I dreamed that I was breast feeding Gene again, but he had a long, white beard, like Santa Claus. It was really freaky.

Gene: That should be our next Christmas card.

---

Coach: You know the rules. No hats on the gym.

Louise: I have a raging staph infection under here. You touch this hat and we all go down! You want to play dodgeball in the hospital?

---

Louise: We have no PE for the rest of the year, my friends.

Gene: Yeah! Who needs it?

[Gene tries to open the door but can't]

Tina: Here, let me try.

[Tina opens the door easily]

Gene: Wow. I should exercise.

Linda: Awwww. My little Grandoody.

Burgerboss [2.04]

Linda: I had the video game company take your game away because I love you. It's like the time you took away the credit card from me when I was ordering all those porcelain babies...

Food Truckin' [2.05]

Gene: It's the documentarian who hates Dad and puts wigs on cows!

Tina: Werner Herzog?

Beefsquatch [2.09]

Linda: Bob, Gene look at yourselves, you’re father and son! You’re supposed to love each other, not kill each other; this isn't the Bible!

Season 3

Full Bars [3.02]

Gene: Where are we?

Louise: I think it's a country club.

Tina: It's like a huge miniature golf course!

Gene: The windmills are going to be enormous!

External links

• Bob's Burgers quotes at the Internet Movie Database
• Bob's Burgers at TV.com
• Bob's Burgers official website