- 1 Season 1
- 1.1 Human Flesh [1.01]
- 1.2 Crawl Space [1.02]
- 1.3 Sacred Cow [1.03]
- 1.4 Sexy Dance Fighting [1.04]
- 1.5 Hamburger Dinner Theater [1.05]
- 1.6 Sheesh! Cab, Bob? [1.06]
- 1.7 Bed & Breakfast [1.07]
- 1.8 Art Crawl [1.08]
- 1.9 Spaghetti Western and Meatballs [1.09]
- 1.10 Burger Wars [1.10]
- 1.11 Weekend at Mort's [1.11]
- 1.12 Lobsterfest [1.12]
- 1.13 Torpedo [1.13]
- 2 Season 2
- 3 Season 3
- 4 External links
Human Flesh [1.01]
- Bob: Tina, you're on the grill.
- Tina: My crotch is itchy.
- Gene & Louise: Eww.
- Bob: Ok. Are you telling me as my daughter or as my grill cook?
- Tina: Umm... As...
- Bob: Because my grill cook would never tell me that.
- Tina: [Downcast] Oh.
- Bob: Also, my daughter should probably not say anything like that to me. Tell her, tell your mom.
- Tina: [Turns to Linda] My crotch is itchy.
- Louise: Hello and welcome to Bob's Burgers. The burger of the day is the "child molester"—it comes with candy.
Crawl Space [1.02]
- Linda: No one sheds like this family, it's like a bunch of Chewbaccas.
- Louise: I hope they're using protection because I am not taking care of that baby.
- Gene: My grandparents are staying with us and they were both alive during Prohibition-so this is what it sounds like when they have sex in the room next to mine.
Sacred Cow [1.03]
- Randy: Little girl, do you think cows should be ground up for food?
- Louise: Only if they commit adultery.
- Tina: Frowny face? All I've been is super nice to you and this is the thanks I get? I loved you, I loved you like a horse, which is my favorite animal. You know what, let's just stop before we both say something we'll regret, like that horses are better than cows. I regret that, but it's true.
Sexy Dance Fighting [1.04]
- Louise: So you're not going to get revenge today?
- Bob: No, Louise, I'm not.
- Louise: OK, got it. [Slyly] Then I won't bring your credit card... which I cut into a ninja star!
- Bob: Oh, you cut my credit card?
- Louise: Into a ninja star!
Hamburger Dinner Theater [1.05]
- Louise: [rehearsing] Red leather, yellow leather. Red leather, yellow leather.
- Tina: Are you talking to me?
- Louise: [angry] I'M WARMING UP MY INSTRUMENT! Unbelievable !
- Tina: Um, I'm sorr... UUUHHHH..
- Louise: Hey, I'm sorry. It's pre-show nerves. Come here. Hug for luck.
- [Tina moves to hug Louise]
- Louise: YOU FREAKIN' IDIOT! YOU DON'T HUG FOR LUCK IN THE THEATRE!
- Tina: Aahh...
- Louise: Sush, sush. I'm sorry baby. Sush, I didn't mean it baby. You know how I get before a big show, baby. You know how I get... GET OFFA ME! YOU'RE SMUDGING MY MAKE-UP!
- Tina: Uuhh...
- Louise: YOU WANT ME TO GO OUT IN FRONT OF THESE PEOPLE WITH THIS MAKE-UP ALL SMUDGED, YOU CLUMSY OAF?
- Tina: Uuhh...
- Louise: Sorry, baby, come here...
Sheesh! Cab, Bob? [1.06]
- Linda: She deserves a special party this year.
- Louise: If what it says in her diary is true, then I say she needs it. A LOT.
- Gene: It's true.
- Bob: Wait, you read her diary?
- Linda: Yeah.
- Louise: What I can stomach.
- Linda: I just skim it to make sure she's not on drugs.
- Bob: Wha... what does it say?
- Linda: It says "I'm not on drugs".
Bed & Breakfast [1.07]
- Teddy: I love bed and breakfasts. They're so quaint.
- Louise: Aren't they? Random strangers, shedding skin cells all over the house...
- Louise: [as Linda drags her away] I'll see you, in hell Teddy! I WILL SEE YOU IN HELL!
Art Crawl [1.08]
- [Bob gasps in horror at the paintings]
- Bob: Oh God. Oh my God, Lin.
- Linda: It's just a few days, Bobby.
- Bob: Linda, there are animal anuses all over our walls!
- Linda: Just think of them as cute little rumps.
- Bob: Lin, they're anuses. I'm trying to think of worse paintings to hang in a restaurant. Um, nope, I can't think of any!
- Bob: Hey, kids.
- Louise: Um, hey, Dad.
- Bob: I had to get away from those anuses for a while.
- Tina: You mean Mort and Teddy?
- Bob: Um, no. Gail's paintings.
- [Bob defiantly hangs up an "anus" painting. Edith gasps in shock]
- Harold: BOB, YOU ARE IN DIRECT VIOLATION OF MY WIFE!
- Gene: Is Dad going to jail?
- Tina: I'll wave at you every day.
- Louise: Word of advice: don't tell them what you're in for.
- Gene: I hope our new dad is blonde.
- Louise: I've been honest with these two ever since Gene got too fat.
- Gene: I remember the ice-cream sandwich that did it too. I regret nothing!
- Louise: And Tina, bad breath every day.
- Tina: Not if you like fish.
Spaghetti Western and Meatballs [1.09]
- Louise: Your room looks like it was decorated by a perverted jockey.
- Bob: Mr. Frond. He's a tall glass of... annoying.
- Linda: That may be so, but you're gonna have to drink that glass, mister!
Burger Wars [1.10]
- Linda: When I die I want you to cremate me and throw my ashes in Tom Selleck's face.
- Jimmy Pesto: You should keep your freaky kids locked up in your own place.
- Bob: [furious] What did you say about my kids?
- Linda: Hit him in his handsome groin!
- Mr. Fischoeder: Bob, you may be the worst tenant I've ever had. And I rent space to a raccoon sanctuary!
- Bob: I know. They're next door. I've been meaning to talk to you about it.
Weekend at Mort's [1.11]
- Hugo: This is big! You'll have to close. The whole building must be tented for 48 hours.
- Bob: Great. There goes our weekend revenue.
- Linda: Oohh! Two days off. Bobby, we could use it!
- Bob: I guess it has been a while since we've had a break...
- Linda: Yeah. Ten years!
- Bob: What? That can't be right.
- Linda: Ten years, Bob. TEN YEARS.
- Hugo: [sarcastic] You're really living the dream, Linda!
- Louise: Our family doesn't celebrate Lobsterfest. We're like Jews on Christmas.
- Gene: Or Jews for Jesus on Hanukkah.
- Teddy: Or me at a lesbian bar. I went to a lesbian bar last night, Bob. It was like I was invisible.
- Gene: Let's release the lobster from whence it came! The supermarket!
- Tina: I already picked a corner for the bathroom. That one, where I went.
- Bob: Are you kidding? I wish I could afford urinal cake ads.
- Linda: Ooh! All this talk about cake is making me hungry!
- Bob: Gene, how could you forget the name of the restaurant? You're there literally every day!
- Gene: I call you "Dad!" As far as I'm concerned, it's "Dad's Burgers!"
The Belchies [2.01]
- Teddy: My uncle Paddy told me about it. He used to work in Caffery's, back in the fifties. He was his maid.
- Bob: Your uncle Paddy...was a maid?
- Teddy: All maids were men back then. Until women joined the workforce and took all the maid jobs away.
- Linda: Alright girls! Go girls!
- Linda: [worried] They're not here! I got Tina's diary, let's see if it says anything. [reads diary] "Dear Diary, tonight we're sneaking into the dangerous taffy factory. Also, if boys had uteruses they'd be called duderuses".
- Bob: Ha, "duderuses."
- Gene: I just can't get enough of the acoustics in this place! Here! What song is this? [bangs brick on wall]
- Tina: Aqua Boogie, by P-funk?
- Gene: Yes! Wow.
Bob Day Afternoon [2.02]
- Louise: Action!
- Bob: [practising] As you know,sir, we have several loans with your institutions, all "past due". But what does "past due" even mean, you know?
- Gene: It's brilliant! There's no such thing as time!
- Linda: Gene was "past due", and he came out fine.
- Gene: I wish I'd stayed in there! [Dives under the table].
- Linda: Hey! Get outta there!
- Gene: LEMME IN!
- Linda: Gene! Bob!
- Bob: Oh God.
- Linda: [annoyed] This is your son.
- Louise: Sorry Gene, no backsies.
- Tina: I will punch you.
- Investigator: I will punch YOU!
- Louise: Ooh! He will!
Synchronized Swimming [2.03]
- Linda: I dreamed that I was breast feeding Gene again, but he had a long, white beard, like Santa Claus. It was really freaky.
- Gene: That should be our next Christmas card.
- Coach: You know the rules. No hats on the gym.
- Louise: I have a raging staph infection under here. You touch this hat and we all go down! You want to play dodge ball in the hospital?
- Louise: We have no PE for the rest of the year, my friends.
- Gene: Yeah! Who needs it?
- [Gene tries to open the door but can't]
- Tina: Here, let me try.
- [Tina opens the door easily]
- Gene: Wow. I should exercise.
- Bob: Wow. Louise, You pulled a Caddyshack?
- Louise: What's a Caddyshack?
- Bob: You mean you didn't just throw a candy bar in the pool?
- Louise: No.
- Bob: Wow
- Louise: Yeah.
- Bob: That's impressive.
- Bob: Are we just going to ignore the fact that Louise just pooped in the pool?
- Louise: Ignore it? I named it. Jezebel.
- Linda: Awwww. My little grandoody.
- Linda: You were right, Bob. I needed to let my baby birds fly. My bratty, little baby birds fly with their crappy little wings. Sometimes you gotta push 'em out the window.
- Bob: Yeah.
- Linda: You gotta just push 'em right out there and if they fall flat [slaps hands together] then that's them.
- Linda: I had the video game company take your game away because I love you. It's like the time you took away the credit card from me when I was ordering all those porcelain babies.
- Gene: [referring to the game music on Burgerboss] That's the song I wanna lose it to. Mm-mm-mm.
Food Truckin' [2.05]
- Gene: It's the documentarian who hates Dad and puts wigs on cows!
- Tina: Werner Herzog?
Dr. Yap [2.06]
- Linda: You're a hurtful slut, Bob!
- Prince of Persuasia: [listing tips for attracting women] Dress like her dad. It releases a hormone called moan-atonin.
- When you get into an elevator with a woman, press a higher number than her and then make a big deal about it.
- Push her in a lake.
- Be one of the tallest guys in the bar and brag about how long your butt-crack is.
- Sing a song that you supposedly heard on the radio, and make fun of her for not knowing it.
- Use the word "idiot."
- Never make her pancakes. Force her to make you pancakes, in the middle of the night.
Moody Foodie [2.07]
Bad Tina [2.08]
- Andy: Cool, Mom packed tampons for lunch!
- Ollie: Oooh, share!
- Tammy: [to Tina] JUDGEMENTAL!
- Tammy: [pointing at Tina] You're a freak! [kids laugh, Tammy farts]
- Louise: TAMMY FARTED!
- Gene: Oh my God, my ears can smell it! [backs away pointing at Tammy] Laugh-fart, laugh-fart!
- [Kids point and laugh]
- Zeke: Tammy made a blammy! Ha ha ha, gross!
- Tammy: No, it— I didn't do it, it wasn't my butt! [farts] That wasn't me! [farts, cries, and runs away] No, no, it wasn't me. Ow, ow! That one hurt.
- Linda: Bob, Gene look at yourselves, you’re father and son! You’re supposed to love each other, not kill each other; this isn't the Bible! This show has torn my family apart long enough! It ends now! Kids, cover your ears.
Ear-sy Rider [3.01]
- Louise: What just frickin' happened?!
- Dr. Bush: What's your name?
- Mudflap: Mudflap.
- Dr. Bush: Oh, Mudflap, uh... that was my grandmother's name.
- Mudflap: Really?
- Dr. Bush: No. No, you're named after a dirty part of a truck.
Full Bars [3.02]
- Gene: Where are we?
- Louise: I think it's a country club.
- Tina: It's like a huge miniature golf course!
- Gene: The windmills are going to be enormous!
- Ticket seller: Oh, those kids are really getting it. I remember Hell Hunt. Still can't stand the sight of eggs. Won't eat 'em, won't touch 'em.
- Gene: What about a nice egg salad?
- Ticket seller: No more egg talk!
- Gene: Yes more egg talk!
- Ticket seller: Ahh!
- Gene: Eggs!
- Louise: Tina, come on.
- Tina: But Milo and Ned are back there, and they need us.
- [pained screaming is heard in the distance]
- Gene: Do they, though?
- Louise: Tina, this isn't our fight! Do you really want to stay here and get pee-ballooned?
- Gene: Yeah. I can pee on myself. I don't need any handouts!
- Tina: Listen, this town gave us the best candy we've ever seen. We owe it to them to go back.
- Gene: Great. Now my candy tastes like guilt.
- Louise: Augh, FINE! We'll go back and save Milo and what's-his-face, but I get to slap Gene!
- Tina: That's fair.
- [Louise slaps Gene across the face]
Bob Fires the Kids [3.03]
- Tina: If you think about it any box could have vibrators in it.
- [Refrigerator groans]
- Bob: Tina?
Mutiny On The Windbreaker [3.04]
- Duval: My replacement. I hope you have a hairnet for your face and arms.
- Bob: I'm not replacing you. I'm just cooking one meal for one night for the Captain's table.
- Duval: You remind me of me, back when I was the Captain's special guest chef for "just one night"... 56 voyages ago!
- [dramatic tone plays]
- Duval: Ah, there's the dinner rolls.
- Bob: Why does your timer sound like that?
- Duval: [angrily] It's French!
- [dramatic tone plays]
- Bob: [addressing a large pot] Duvall, is that you in there?
- Duval: [from the pot] No one's in this pot. Go away. I am the spaghetti.