- 1 Season 1
- 1.1 Human Flesh [1.01]
- 1.2 Crawl Space [1.02]
- 1.3 Sacred Cow [1.03]
- 1.4 Sexy Dance Fighting [1.04]
- 1.5 Hamburger Dinner Theater [1.05]
- 1.6 Sheesh! Cab, Bob? [1.06]
- 1.7 Bed & Breakfast [1.07]
- 1.8 Art Crawl [1.08]
- 1.9 Spaghetti Western and Meatballs [1.09]
- 1.10 Burger Wars [1.10]
- 1.11 Weekend at Mort's [1.11]
- 1.12 Lobsterfest [1.12]
- 1.13 Torpedo [1.13]
- 2 Season 2
- 3 Season 3
- 4 External links
Human Flesh [1.01]
- Bob: Tina, you're on the grill.
- Tina: My crotch is itchy.
- Gene & Louise: Eww.
- Bob: Ok. Are you telling me as my daughter or as my grill cook?
- Tina: Umm... As...
- Bob: Because my grill cook would never tell me that.
- Tina: [Downcast] Oh.
- Bob: Also, my daughter should probably not say anything like that to me. Tell her, tell your mom.
- Tina: [Turns to Linda] My crotch is itchy.
- Louise: Hello and welcome to Bob's Burgers. The burger of the day is the "child molester"—it comes with candy.
Crawl Space [1.02]
- Linda: No one sheds like this family, it's like a bunch of Chewbaccas.
- Louise: I hope they're using protection because I am not taking care of that baby.
- Gene: My grandparents are staying with us and they were both alive during Prohibition-so this is what it sounds like when they have sex in the room next to mine.
Sacred Cow [1.03]
- Randy: Little girl, do you think cows should be ground up for food?
- Louise: Only if they commit adultery.
- Tina: Frowny face? All I've been is super nice to you and this is the thanks I get? I loved you, I loved you like a horse, which is my favorite animal. You know what, let's just stop before we both say something we'll regret, like that horses are better than cows. I regret that, but it's true.
Sexy Dance Fighting [1.04]
- Louise: So you're not going to get revenge today?
- Bob: No, Louise, I'm not.
- Louise: OK, got it. [Slyly] Then I won't bring your credit card... which I cut into a ninja star!
- Bob: Oh, you cut my credit card?
- Louise: Into a ninja star!
Hamburger Dinner Theater [1.05]
- Louise: [rehearsing] Red leather, yellow leather. Red leather, yellow leather.
- Tina: Are you talking to me?
- Louise: [angry] I'M WARMING UP MY INSTRUMENT! Unbelievable !
- Tina: Um, I'm sorry... uhhhhhhh..
- Louise: Hey, I'm sorry. It's pre-show nerves. Come here. Hug for luck.
- [Tina moves to hug Louise]
- Louise: YOU FREAKIN' IDIOT! YOU DON'T HUG FOR LUCK IN THE THEATRE!
- Tina: Uhhh...
- Louise: Sush, sush. I'm sorry baby. Sush, I didn't mean it baby. You know how I get before a big show, baby. You know how I get... GET OFFA ME! YOU'RE SMUDGING MY MAKE-UP!
- Tina: Uuhh...
- Louise: YOU WANT ME TO GO OUT IN FRONT OF THESE PEOPLE WITH THIS MAKE-UP ALL SMUDGED, YOU CLUMSY OAF?
- Tina: Uuhh...
- Louise: Sorry, baby, come here...
Sheesh! Cab, Bob? [1.06]
- Linda: She deserves a special party this year.
- Louise: If what it says in her diary is true, then I say she needs it. A LOT.
- Gene: It's true.
- Bob: Wait, you read her diary?
- Linda: Yeah.
- Louise: What I can stomach.
- Linda: I just skim it to make sure she's not on drugs.
- Bob: Wha... what does it say?
- Linda: It says "I'm not on drugs".
Bed & Breakfast [1.07]
- Teddy: I love bed and breakfasts. They're so quaint.
- Louise: Aren't they? Random strangers, shedding skin cells all over the house...
- Louise: [as Linda drags her away] I'll see you, in hell Teddy! I WILL SEE YOU IN HELL!
Art Crawl [1.08]
- [Bob gasps in horror at the paintings]
- Bob: Oh God. Oh my God, Lin.
- Linda: It's just a few days, Bobby.
- Bob: Linda, there are animal anuses all over our walls!
- Linda: Just think of them as cute little rumps.
- Bob: Lin, they're anuses. I'm trying to think of worse paintings to hang in a restaurant. Um, nope, I can't think of any!
- Bob: Hey, kids.
- Louise: Um, hey, Dad.
- Bob: I had to get away from those anuses for a while.
- Tina: You mean Mort and Teddy?
- Bob: Um, no. Gail's paintings.
- [Bob defiantly hangs up an "anus" painting. Edith gasps in shock]
- Harold: BOB, YOU ARE IN DIRECT VIOLATION OF MY WIFE!
- Gene: Is Dad going to jail?
- Tina: I'll wave at you every day.
- Louise: Word of advice: don't tell them what you're in for.
- Gene: I hope our new dad is blonde.
- Louise: I've been honest with these two ever since Gene got too fat.
- Gene: I remember the ice-cream sandwich that did it too. I regret nothing!
- Louise: And Tina, bad breath every day.
- Tina: Not if you like fish.
Spaghetti Western and Meatballs [1.09]
- Louise: Your room looks like it was decorated by a perverted jockey.
- Tina: When you say that, I feel like you're trying to hurt my feelings.
- Louise: Oh my god! Why do you talk so SLOW!
- Tina: When you say that, I feel-
- Louise: -Tina, this is really, really boring.
- Tina: Okay, well.
- Louise: Hey mom, you want to hang out?
- Linda: Oh!! I'd love that! Oh, mother-daughter bonding time! Just like me and my mother
- Louise: *Grumbling*
- Linda: Okay my little cow pokes, time for school. You can watch the rest tonight.
- Louise: Mom! How could you!
- Linda: How could I what?
- Louise: How could you encourage this?
- Linda: Oh Louise, don't be a pill. A little father-son bonding is going on here, and that's a good thing. These two don't always do it so well.
- Gene: *during cut scene* Tambourine solo! *bob shaking tambourine* Yeesh.
- Bob: *more cut scene* Alright this is how you throw a spiral. Here comes the bullet. Oua! Stupid ball! It's cause there's no laces.
- Gene: *same cut scene* I'm hungry. bob- alright we're done go inside. Gene- I WANT PEANUT BUTTER!
- Bob: Okay, it turns out be bond better over movies that I like to watch, that I make Gene watch.
- Gene: YEA!
- Louise: Oh that's.. That's adorable. I'm going to school.
- Bob: Good.
- Gene: Great. Why don't you learn something and become a lawyer.
- Mr.Frond: Ok, ABS. The conflict resolution problem sweeping our school. You all know my system. And at the spaghetti dinner so will your parents, or legal guardians. Uhm, Becky. Cause your mom's in jail. Tina, Jaslynn, Jimmy junior, let's rehearse! Becky you just watch. Tina here just found out that her best friend Jaslynn told jimmy junior here, that Tina is whack. And.. Acting.
- Jimmy J: Tina, Jaslynn told me that you're whack.
- Tina: Jaslynn you sk***, I hate you.
- Jaslynn: Whatever. It's true you are whack.
- Mr.Frond: And. Freeze! Wow, that resolved nothing. Let's rewind, shall we?
- Mr.Frond: Lets work out our ABS. A- Access your feelings.
- Tina: When you gossiped about me to Jimmy J, it hurt my feelings.
- Mr.Frond.: B- Be apologetic
- Jalsynn: Sorry.
- Mr.Frond.: S- slap it! *slaps own butt*
- Tina and Jaslynn High-five. Or, SLAP IT!*
- Mr.Fond.: Well done. Do it just like that at the dinner.
- Mr.Frond.: Oh. Enjoy your lunch everyone!
- Tina: If you ever gossip about me to Jimmy J outside of the conflict resolution skit, i'll punch you in the face.
- Jaslynn: It was just a skit, Tina.
- Tina: I will punch you. Again, and again, and again, and again, and again (jaslynn: what a psycho.) and again, and again, and again, and again *door slams*
- Bob: Well the important thing is I watched a movie with Gene, and it helped him stand up for himself at school.
- Teddy: Yea. I beat up a lot of kids like Gene when I was his age. But, I was a bully. Just kids like Gene you know? They get beat up.
- Linda: Bob! How are the meatballs coming? Cause they need to be perfect. *door ringing*
- Mort: Hey! Just like your burgers, only spericle *reaches for meatball*
- Linda: Hey! *smacks hand*
- Mort: *Gently brushes hand* Hey, what!
- Linda: They are not for you. They are for me to show off in front of the other moms at the fundraiser. Bobby, make one extra big for Colleen Cavieler to choke on.
- Bob: Okay.
- Louise: Alright. Looks like i'm sitting with you today.
Burger Wars [1.10]
- Linda: When I die I want you to cremate me and throw my ashes in Tom Selleck's face.
- Jimmy Pesto: You should keep your freaky kids locked up in your own place.
- Bob: [furious] What did you say about my kids?
- Linda: Hit him in his handsome groin!
- Mr. Fischoeder: Bob, you may be the worst tenant I've ever had. And I rent space to a raccoon sanctuary!
- Bob: I know. They're next door. I've been meaning to talk to you about it.
Weekend at Mort's [1.11]
- Hugo: This is big! You'll have to close. The whole building must be tented for 48 hours.
- Bob: Great. There goes our weekend revenue.
- Linda: Oohh! Two days off. Bobby, we could use it!
- Bob: I guess it has been a while since we've had a break...
- Linda: Yeah. Ten years!
- Bob: What? That can't be right.
- Linda: Ten years, Bob. TEN YEARS.
- Hugo: [sarcastic] You're really living the dream, Linda!
- Louise: Our family doesn't celebrate Lobsterfest. We're like Jews on Christmas.
- Gene: Or Jews for Jesus on Hanukkah.
- Teddy: Or me at a lesbian bar. I went to a lesbian bar last night, Bob. It was like I was invisible.
- Gene: Let's release the lobster from whence it came! The supermarket!
- Tina: I already picked a corner for the bathroom. That one, where I went.
- Bob: Are you kidding? I wish I could afford urinal cake ads.
- Linda: Ooh! All this talk about cake is making me hungry!
- Bob: Gene, how could you forget the name of the restaurant? You're there literally every day!
- Gene: I call you "Dad!" As far as I'm concerned, it's "Dad's Burgers!"
The Belchies [2.01]
- Teddy: My uncle Paddy told me about it. He used to work in Caffery's, back in the fifties. He was his maid.
- Bob: Your uncle Paddy...was a maid?
- Teddy: All maids were men back then. Until women joined the workforce and took all the maid jobs away.
- Linda: Alright girls! Go girls!
- Linda: [worried] They're not here! I got Tina's diary, let's see if it says anything. [reads diary] "Dear Diary, tonight we're sneaking into the dangerous taffy factory. Also, if boys had uteruses they'd be called duderuses".
- Bob: Ha, "duderuses."
- Gene: I just can't get enough of the acoustics in this place! Here! What song is this? [bangs brick on wall]
- Tina: Aqua Boogie, by P-funk?
- Gene: Yes! Wow.
Bob Day Afternoon [2.02]
- Louise: Action!
- Bob: [practising] As you know,sir, we have several loans with your institutions, all "past due". But what does "past due" even mean, you know?
- Gene: It's brilliant! There's no such thing as time!
- Linda: Gene was "past due", and he came out fine.
- Gene: I wish I'd stayed in there! [Dives under the table].
- Linda: Hey! Get outta there!
- Gene: LEMME IN!
- Linda: Gene! Bob!
- Bob: Oh God.
- Linda: [annoyed] This is your son.
- Louise: Sorry Gene, no backsies.
- Tina: I will punch you.
- Investigator: I will punch YOU!
- Louise: Ooh! He will!
Synchronized Swimming [2.03]
- Linda: I dreamed that I was breast feeding Gene again, but he had a long, white beard, like Santa Claus. It was really freaky.
- Gene: That should be our next Christmas card.
- Coach: You know the rules. No hats on the gym.
- Louise: I have a raging staph infection under here. You touch this hat and we all go down! You want to play dodge ball in the hospital?
- Louise: We have no PE for the rest of the year, my friends.
- Gene: Yeah! Who needs it?
- [Gene tries to open the door but can't]
- Tina: Here, let me try.
- [Tina opens the door easily]
- Gene: Wow. I should exercise.
- Bob: Wow. Louise, You pulled a Caddyshack?
- Louise: What's a Caddyshack?
- Bob: You mean you didn't just throw a candy bar in the pool?
- Louise: No.
- Bob: Wow
- Louise: Yeah.
- Bob: That's impressive.
- Bob: Are we just going to ignore the fact that Louise just pooped in the pool?
- Louise: Ignore it? I named it. Jezebel.
- Linda: Awwww. My little grandoody.
- Linda: You were right, Bob. I needed to let my baby birds fly. My bratty, little baby birds fly with their crappy little wings. Sometimes you gotta push 'em out the window.
- Bob: Yeah.
- Linda: You gotta just push 'em right out there and if they fall flat [slaps hands together] then that's them.
- Linda: I had the video game company take your game away because I love you. It's like the time you took away the credit card from me when I was ordering all those porcelain babies.
- Gene: [referring to the game music on Burgerboss] That's the song I wanna lose it to. Mm-mm-mm.
Food Truckin' [2.05]
- Gene: It's the documentarian who hates Dad and puts wigs on cows!
- Tina: Werner Herzog?
Dr. Yap [2.06]
- Linda: You're a hurtful slut, Bob!
- Prince of Persuasia: [listing tips for attracting women] Dress like her dad. It releases a hormone called moan-atonin.
- When you get into an elevator with a woman, press a higher number than her and then make a big deal about it.
- Push her in a lake.
- Be one of the tallest guys in the bar and brag about how long your butt-crack is.
- Sing a song that you supposedly heard on the radio, and make fun of her for not knowing it.
- Use the word "idiot."
- Never make her pancakes. Force her to make you pancakes, in the middle of the night.
Moody Foodie [2.07]
- [At the Farmer's Market]
- Gene: Dad, don't forget to get more monkey brains!
- Louise: Yeah, and we need more unicorn testicles.
- Tina: That's where dreams are born.
- Louise: That's gotta be the food critic!
- Bob: A Civil War reenactor?
- Linda: Ugh, I can't stand all that drab grey. No wonder they lost!
- Tina: Time for this charm bomb to explode.
Bad Tina [2.08]
- Andy: Cool, Mom packed tampons for lunch!
- Ollie: Oooh, share!
- Tammy: [to Tina] YOU'RE GOING DOWN!
- Tammy: [pointing at Tina], You're a freak, [kids laugh at Tina and Tammy farts]!
- Louise saving Tina: TAMMY FARTED!
- Gene: (to Tammy) Oh my god, my ears can smell it, [kids point and laugh at Tammy and back away pointing at Tammy] laugh-fart, laugh-fart!
- [Kids point and laugh at Tammy]
- Zeke: Tammy made a blammy, Ha ha ha, gross!
- Tammy: No, if I didn't do it (fart), it wasn't my butt! [farts] That wasn't me! [farts, laughs/cries, and runs away] No, no, it wasn't me. Ow, ow, that one hurt.
- Linda: Bob, Gene look at yourselves, you’re father and son! You’re supposed to love each other, not kill each other; this isn't the Bible! This show has torn my family apart long enough! It ends now! Kids, cover your ears.
Ear-sy Rider [3.01]
- Tina: You don't want to mess with my sister. She'll wear down your self-esteem over a period of years.
- Louise: What just frickin' happened?!
- Dr. Bush: What's your name?
- Mudflap: Mudflap.
- Dr. Bush: Oh, Mudflap, uh... that was my grandmother's name.
- Mudflap: Really?
- Dr. Bush: No. No, you're named after a dirty part of a truck.
- Mrs. Bush: I don't know how Mudflap is doing this without and epidural. If I hadn't had one with Logan...
- Linda: Tell me about it! (Pointing at Tina and Louise) Those two - piece of cake. (Pointing at Gene) That one - the whole cake.
Full Bars [3.02]
- Gene: Where are we?
- Louise: I think it's a country club.
- Tina: It's like a huge miniature golf course!
- Gene: The windmills are going to be enormous!
- Ticket seller: Oh, those kids are really getting it. I remember Hell Hunt. Still can't stand the sight of eggs. Won't eat 'em, won't touch 'em.
- Gene: What about a nice egg salad?
- Ticket seller: No more egg talk!
- Gene: Yes more egg talk!
- Ticket seller: Ahh!
- Gene: Eggs!
- Louise: Tina, come on.
- Tina: But Milo and Ned are back there, and they need us.
- [pained screaming is heard in the distance]
- Gene: Do they, though?
- Louise: Tina, this isn't our fight! Do you really want to stay here and get pee-ballooned?
- Gene: Yeah. I can pee on myself. I don't need any handouts!
- Tina: Listen, this town gave us the best candy we've ever seen. We owe it to them to go back.
- Gene: Great. Now my candy tastes like guilt.
- Louise: Augh, FINE! We'll go back and save Milo and what's-his-face, but I get to slap Gene!
- Tina: That's fair.
- [Louise slaps Gene across the face]
Bob Fires the Kids [3.03]
- Tina: If you think about it any box could have vibrators in it.
- [Refrigerator groans]
- Bob: Tina?
Mutiny On The Windbreaker [3.04]
- Duval: My replacement. I hope you have a hairnet for your face and arms.
- Bob: I'm not replacing you. I'm just cooking one meal for one night for the Captain's table.
- Duval: You remind me of me, back when I was the Captain's special guest chef for "just one night"... 56 voyages ago!
- [dramatic tone plays]
- Duval: Ah, there's the dinner rolls.
- Bob: Why does your timer sound like that?
- Duval: [angrily] It's French!
- [dramatic tone plays]
- Bob: [addressing a large pot] Duvall, is that you in there?
- Duval: [from the pot] No one's in this pot. Go away. I am the spaghetti.
An Indecent Thanksgiving Proposal [3.05]
- [Bob is talking to frozen turkeys at the store]
- Linda: Yeah, it's a little weird, but it's his selection process.
- Tina: It's like The Bachelor, except at the end, the one he chooses gets eaten.
- Louise: That's what happens on the real Bachelor, too. They just don't show it on camera.
- Mr. Fischoeder: She left me for a married oil magnate. And then a married movie magnate.
- Tina: She's a magnate magnet.
- Mr. Fischoeder: We're going to do this amusement park style. Every time you do well, you get a ticket. The one with the most tickets at the end of the night wins a prize!
- Louise: The only prize I need is your love, Father.
- Mr. Fischoeder: [handing Louise a ticket] And we're off and running!
The Deepening [3.06]
- Louise: We're adrenaline junkies. We like our rides pure, uncut, and assembled in Mexico!
Tina-Rannosaurus Wrecks [3.07]
- [Tina has crashed into a parked car]
- Tina: Oh my God, I ruined the car!
- Bob: You did. You really did. On the plus side, there doesn't seem to be any damage to the other car.
- Tina: No, I see a dent! There's a dent!
- Bob: That's a ding. Not even. It's like a little scratch.
- Tina: No, it's a dent!
- Bob: Okay, fine. We'll leave a note. Then, for all we know, that was probably already there, right?
- Tina: We have to leave a note! We have to leave a note!
- Bob: Okay, okay! You're so honest. Who raised you?
- Tina: I don't know!
- Bob: It was me. I did.
- Bob: Tina, why are you wearing a hairnet?
- Tina: Because stress is making my hair fall out! Look at me!
- [She removes the hairnet; her hair is the same as always]
- Bob: Tina, you have the fullest head of hair in the family. I would kill for that hairline.
- Tina: I believe you would!
The Unbearable Like-Likeness of Gene [3.08]
- Louise: Puberty, puberty, puberty. That's all I hear when you guys talk!
- Gene: You should know when you hold hands with me, you're holding hands with everything I've ever eaten.
- Gene: My life is more difficult than anyone else's on the planet, and yes I'm including starving children, so don't ask!