- Directed by Peter Jackson and written by Stephen Sinclair
- Listen! You no pick up the cage, you no get the big dollars.
- I'm a New Zealand zoo official, and this monkey is going to Newtown!
Lionel Cosgrove 
- That's my mum you're pissing on.
- They're not dead exactly, they're just... sort of rotting.
- Party's over!
- [as an excuse for punching Selywn and stuffing it into a bag] Hyperactive...
Father McGruder 
- The Devil's among us!
- Stay back boy! This calls for divine intervention!
- I kick arse for the Lord!
Mr. Matheson 
- What we need is another war!
- WHAT? NO PUDDING?!
- [After having gotten his custard and after pus from Vera's bite wound squirts into it, he stirs it further in and the custard turns pinkish] Damn fine custard... rich and creamy, just the way I like it!
Uncle Les 
- That's someone doing the business!
- Ahhh, so you found your father's old stag movies, did ya? [Pause] Is that the one with the donkey and the chambermaid?
- It's all part of the grieving process.
- Intellectual at party [struggling against an attack by Void] I take it back! [Void snarls] I'm sorry I called Nabokov a pedophile!
- Intellectual: [defending himself against oncoming zombies] Some of my best friends are Pedophiles! [His famous last words]
- Undertaker: [as Vera's eyes pop out and green slime sprays out] Cranial blowout!
- Zoo Keeper: Story goes, these great big rats come scuttling off the slave ships and raped all the little tree monkeys.
- Zombie Mother: No-one will ever love you like your mother!
- Paquita Maria Sanchez: Fernando!! [Looks at Lionel] Your mother ate my dog!
- Lionel Cosgrove: Not all of it.