Broken News

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Broken News (2005) was a BBC comedy television series shown in Autumn 2005. It acted as a parody of 24-hour news channels.

Series 1[edit]

Tomato Flu[edit]

Andrew Farley: But the tablets were recalled by manufacturers, after it was discovered that they could cause violent seizures when taken in conjunction with water.

Anthony Markovitz: When you flush the toilet on an aeroplane, do you ever think about where it goes? I sure don't!

Natalie Gosling: Organisers of the London Marathon plan to ban runners from taking rest breaks in future marathons after many runners in this year's event were caught urinating, defacating and suffering heart attacks on camera.

Nick Burnham: [from the International Space Station] We have been informed that up to a third of our supplies contain Tomatoids, and we've already eaten half!
Deadly tomato flu in space?

Colin Kavanagh: [warning of the symptoms of Tomato Flu] If you experience any of the following symptoms, you would be advised to contact your doctor immediately: hot or cold sweats, hot or cold aches, sweaty acheyness, runny, sweaty or achey nose, dizziness, blinking, passing water, or - in the most extreme cases - death.

Richard Pritchard: A witty viewer texts in to say "This will only affect boys. Boys get the flu, girls get colds, so it stand to reason that only boys will die!" That's funny.

Missing Island[edit]

Colin Kavanagh: If the world was a 24-hour clock, just how close are we to the end of the world? According to the UN, we are at approximately 4 seconds to midnight. The US, meanwhile, have taken a more optimistic stance, saying that we are actually at 9 seconds to midnight. However, the WWF, who have traditionally been the most pessimistic of observers, claim that we are already at just one second to midnight.
Has global warming already gone too far?, asks PVS' Colin Kavanagh.

Richard Harbinger: One thing's for certain, things will get a lot worse before they get worse still.

Natalie Gosling: Manchester United have denied that starting other Manchester Uniteds in China, Japan, Australia, the US, Scotland, Wales and London would make the club any less unique or be in the least bit confusing.

Joe Reed: They say that children should be seen and not heard, but in this case, it should be sacked and not paid. If this is a taste of what's to come, let's hope he's burnt out and washed up by 10.
Film and Movie News' Joe Reed savages the latest offering by child star Calley Quinn.

Alecia: Over in Europe, scientists claim to have lost an island! Yep, you heard me right! They've lost an entire island, along with the scientific work station they had on it!
Anthony Markovitz: Keep drinking the wine, fellas!
IBS News's unique take on global warming

Reporter: Over this way, is Russia. Over that way is England, Iceland, Greenland, Canada and if you keep going you end up over there again. That's just how this place is.

Halfway There Day[edit]

Richard Pritchard: "Road to Nowhere". Reports today suggest that the M25, Britain's busiest road, could be scrapped because it doesn't actually go anywhere.

Kevin Peters: In motor racing today, Rubens Barrichello's suspected hamstring injury has been confirmed as a broken arm.

PVS Reporter: I asked a few of the bands who they expected to win.
Singer 1: Me!
Singer 2: Me!
Singer 3: Me!
Band 1: Us!
Band 2: Them.
PVS Reporter: So its still all to play for!
The MADI awards are back, without last years controversy.

Joe Reed: I thought I was going to vomit so hard, my liquified kidneys would be forced out of my nose.
A film review from Film and Movie News

Katie Tate: Here's a text message from a viewer: "I'm not a Nazi sympathiser, but why don't we ever sympathise with them".
Richard Pritchard: Another message says: "Your coverage of the war is anaemic and sentimentalised and doesn't fully convey the sheer horror of what went on. You should show more mutilated bodies and explosions."
Katie Tate: The next text reads: "Animals don't have wars. They just sit around all day, having a..."

[Cut to Report on Look Out East]

ESN News phone-in poll

Joe Allaway: The northern Tajikistan province of Gorno-Badakhstan has experienced no weather for over four months now.

Crime[edit]

Dan Evans: Hi, I'm Dan Evans, in London.
Tom Mitchell: And I'm Tom Mitchell, in New York.
Michelle Wong: And I'm Michelle Wong, in Hong Kong.
Kyoko Ogura: And I'm Kyoko Ogura, in Tokyo.
Katerina Schultheiss: And I'm Katerina Schultheiss, in Berlin.
All: And you're watching World Money Today.
Johan Fleisher: With me, Johan Fleisher, in Geneva.
Francis Xavier-Menenses: And me, Francis Xavier-Menenses, in Buenos Aires.
Todd Todmore: And I'm Todd Todmore, in Johannesburg.
Brett MacKensie: And me, Brett MacKensie, in Sydney. G'day.
Dan Evans: And me, Dan Evans, in London.
The top business reporters from World Money Today leaving us in no doubt as to what we're watching.

Josh Cashman: So, how could she out-do that dress? Simple, no dress! But she made just flaw...it was a kiddie picture! The parents are all like "Total mental corruption". Just kidding! They're all "Lawsuit" and "Ker-ching", and "Chat Show!"! But, on a serious note, could this be the beginning of the end of society! I mean, can you imagine if Robin Williams turned up naked to his next premiere? Ugh! Would you wanna see that? I'd rather watch his movies!
A less-than-sucessful premiere altogether

Katie Tate: Here's a text message from a viewer: "I blame the breakdown of society on society."
Richard Pritchard: Here's another one: "Children these days sound too black. There's nothing wrong with it, it's just wrong".
Katie Tate: "Not all children are bad. Our daughter is the kindest person ever". That's from Mummy and Daddy in Newcastle.
ESN News phone-in poll

Joe Reed: He is more unpleasant than Hitler in a traffic jam.
Joe Reed doesn't seem to like popular director Dan Hunter much.

Josh Cashman: On the plus side, his hair would cover his body, but on the downside, you'd see his hairy body! Ahh!
Simon Kay: As Josh seems to have lost the ability to speak, we'll leave it there.

Will Parker: Donald Rumsfeld is very much his own man, and people here are talking about what he will not say as much as what he will say when he does turn up. He will probably not say what we expect him to say, because that's not his style, although of course, we'll know what he will say in a few moments' time, assuming that he hasn't actually said it already.

Later on in the report

Well, the speculation here in Washington has been at least as much to do with what Mr Rumsfeld isn't going to say as it has been about what he might or might not say, when he arrives any minute now behind me. We know, for instance, that he isn't going to say anything about what we originally thought he was going to talk about. But then I think we knew that already – that's just not his style. What I can tell you is that Mr Rumsfeld is a man in no mood to mince his words, whatever words he decides to choose to use or indeed not use, and of course we'll know that very shortly indeed.

High anticipation ahead of a a 'major' Rumsfeld speech.

Bolivian Crisis[edit]

Reporter: Due to a debate between librarians and PACT, the Producers Alliance for Cinema and Television, news channels cannot shoot new footage of libraries. These library pictures were shot months ago.

Katie Tate: Scott from Bolivia says that he thinks his country's nuclear program is a good thing. It will make other countries take them more seriously. He's in Sussex.

Presenter: All in all, Bolivia is the last place in the world you'd want a nuclear missile fired at you from.

Hijack[edit]

Amanda Panda: Everything is happening exactly as normal, giving the place a very surreal air.

Traffic Reporter: Some weather can be expected in severe parts of the country.

Joe Reed: This film is so bad you have to make up your own vocabulary to express its banality. It's schilt. It's chronofap. It's gukt.
Joe Reed seems to get angrier every episode.

Translation Voiceover: Coming to the UK must have been an electric shock, with the two cultures punching each other. Was it a head for your test?
Translation Voiceover: Now, let's talk in claustrophobia. Back then, racism was a word that didn't marzipan in your vocabulary.
Translation Voiceover: Flying jump tackles were considered bad application form.
Translation Voiceover: But for you, it was probably just like water off a swan's cock.
Guy Batson tries to interview the oldest living foreign player in British soccer.

Richard Harbinger: After 9/11, cockpit doors were strengthened greatly. Tests show that they can withstand high powered semtex and shoulder launched grenades. But, they were never tested against wooden planks, and this could be how terrorists got into the cockpit.
A crucial flaw reported by PVS news

Katie Tate: Still to come. A roundup of our reminders of all the news still to come so far. All that still to come.
Richard Pritchard: But first. Coming up.

Richard Pritchard: Here's a text message from a viewer: "Why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why? Why?". This message sums up many of your texts.
Katie Tate: "Why?". That's from John in Aberdeen
Richard Pritchard: "Why?". That's from...
A rather repetitive ESN News phone-in poll

External links[edit]

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