Broken Sword

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Broken Sword is a series of adventure computer games.

Broken Sword: The Shadow Of The Templars[edit]

  • Sgt Moué: [Pulls a gun] Freeze! Hold it right there!
  • George: Whoa, don't shoot! I'm innocent! I'm an American!
  • Moué: Can't make up your mind, huh?

  • Moué: [To the dead Plantard] Stop that Monsieur! Stop holding your breath at once!
  • Rosso: Has it occurred to you that he may be dead, Moué?
  • Moué: Oui Monsieur. But I prefer to look on the bright side.


  • Nico: [On the Shake'n'Shock buzzer] If you ever use that on me, I'll break your arm!

  • George: A popular gossip magazine. You read that rubbish?
  • Nico: No, I write it.

  • George: Top of the morning to ya!
  • Landlord: I beg your pardon?
  • George: Well that's what you Irish say, isn't it?
  • Landlord: Do you want something? Or are you just flaunting your xenophobia?
  • George: Well, I was trying to be sociable.

  • George: What does this false nose mean to you?
  • Doyle: Ha! You're a clown!
  • George: No, not me...
  • Doyle: Ha ha, you're a good one aren't ya? Did ya hear that, Michael?
  • George: I hate clowns.
  • Doyle: Ha-ha-ha! Listen to this fella! I hate clowns says he! Isn't he just the funniest man you ever did see, Michael?
  • Landlord: He's not a clown, Doyle. He's not even remotely funny!
  • George: Gee, thanks.

  • George: I'll try a glass of beer, please.
  • Landlord: Is this your first pint of Real Ale?
  • George: Well, yeah I guess so. What's Real Ale anyhow?
  • Landlord: Beer that's brewed from natural ingredients to traditional methods. It shouldn't be kept under pressure or refrigerated. And finally, it should have a good body and distinctive character.
  • Doyle: In other words, it's flat and warm with bits in it and it makes you fall over!

  • George: [After being ignored about his sewer key] I guess no one wants to hear about my underground exploits?
  • Landlord: I'd rather drink me own beer!

  • George: How am I going to get Fitzgerald to part with it?
  • Maguire: Break his fingers!
  • George: Nah, I couldn't do that.
  • Maguire: I could...
  • George: Thanks for the offer, kid. But I'll try a more subtle approach.
  • Maguire: Chinese burns?

  • Maguire: Hey! I've just seen a big red...
  • Landlord: Get out of here, Maguire! Come back when you're old enough.
  • O'Brian: What's the lad howlin' about?
  • Maguire: A big red sports car. Sean Fitzgerald's been runned over!
  • Landlord: GET OUT! [Maguire runs out] Noisy little tyke!
  • O'Brian: Maybe you should send out some medicinal brandy, Michael.
  • Landlord: Oh yes? And who's going to pay for it?
  • O'Brian: Not me.
  • Doyle: Me too, neither!

  • George: I didn't see anything
  • Khan: What about the boy?
  • George: He doesn't know anything either. The kid, well you know how it is in these rural communities. Not enough genes to go round (I prayed that Maguire had the sense to keep his mouth shut)
  • [Maguire is shown to have heard this but backs off]

  • [After finding the Lochmarne gem in the cellar, Maguire peeks in from the street above]
  • George: Listen, Maguire. I want you to keep this to yourself
  • Maguire: No problemo. Just chuck us up a crate o' lager!
  • George: No way! You're not old enough.
  • Maguire: We can sell it and make some cash!
  • George: Forget it kid. I couldn't betray Mr Leary's trust
  • Maguire: I could, for sure! That old misery guts deserves it!

  • Nico: Did you get any sleep at all?
  • George: Not much, I had to share a room with another guy.
  • Nico: Did he snore?
  • George: Hardly, he was dead.

  • After walking down the stairs into the Neo Templars' secret meeting below Montfauçon while they are still there]
  • George: (This was it! The conspiracy had been revealed!) Okay! Nobody move! I'm making a citizen's arrest! (At last I had them! I could see the fear in their eyes as their little scheme came to pieces!) You're all going away for a very long time! And you can just drop those guns! You're impressing nobody! [A man is shown shoveling dirt into a grave. Game Over]'

Broken Sword: The Smoking Mirror[edit]

  • George: I'm trying to find my girlfriend. She's been kidnapped.
  • Gendarme: Kidnapped?
  • George: Yeah, it was our first day back together after many months.
  • Gendarme: That's too bad. My God, that's depressing.

  • George: Have you ever heard of a Professor Oubier?
  • Gendarme: No monsieur, I don't recall the name.
  • George: Well, apparently he's an expert on Mayan art and history.
  • Gendarme: A little bit out of my field of experience, monsieur. If he'd been a serial killer or a sodomite, I might have been able to help.

  • George: What do you make of this dart?
  • Gendarme: Ahh. I remember a case where the victim was killed with just such a device. The poison acted in seconds, causing his body to swell up like an inflatable life raft.

  • George: What do you make of this news cutting?
  • Gendarme: [reading] "Orphanage Supplied Fast Food Chain?"
  • George: No, it's the article above that.
  • Gendarme: Oh! "Total Eclipse of the Sun." Well, that's very dull in comparison.

  • George: What's that you're drinking?
  • Gendarme: It's Wine.
  • George: The Waiter says it's Absinthe.
  • Gendarme: That fool wouldn't know Merlot from cat's piss!

  • Andre: Precisely. Nico told me to guard it with my life.
  • George: Well it's worth more than that, surely.
  • Andre: Oh, very funny.
  • George: What's funny is that your life really is on the line.

  • George: Have you seen any of Oubier's wife's films?
  • Glease: Only one. Believe me, I was appalled, shocked, disgusted and repulsed.
  • George: Well you sure got your money's worth. Last time I went to the movies I wasn't even titillated.

  • Glease: Look, why don't you get a second opinion?
  • George: From who?
  • Glease: Mr. Lane, the world-reknown art critic and collector.
  • George: He's an art critic? I thought there was a carnival in town.

  • George: What's that you're drinking?
  • Lane: I'm not sure. But I have a suspicion it might be urine. Glease can't expect a favourable review of his gallery when he serves this muck.

  • George: Would you give me your opinion on this pot, sir?
  • Lane: Mmm, yes. Very rapouche.
  • George: Rapouche?
  • Lane: Hideous.
  • Lane: [drops the pot]
  • George: What the hell do you think you're doing!?

  • George: You smashed my pot!
  • Lane: Certainly, it was not only worthless it was ugly and offensive
  • George: To you, maybe
  • Lane: Believe me, I was doing you a favour.

  • George: What's the difference between my pot and all those other pots?
  • Lane: Yours is broken.

  • George: [on showing a tequila worm to a cat] The cat looked at me as if to say, "Why have you brought a dead worm half-way around the world?". I had no answer.

  • George: Hi, good morning!
  • Watchman: Do you know what time it is?!
  • George: No, I don't wear a watch. As my Dad used to say, "I'm not into time, man."
  • Watchman: Well, you're too early.

  • George: You dropped your beer bottle.
  • Watchman: Not me, pal!
  • George: Yeah, you did. I saw you drop it right in the sea. Don't you know better than to throw your trash in the ocean?
  • Watchman: I don't hear no fish complaining!

  • George: Does that dog belong to you?
  • Watchman: Nah, he comes with the job. I just feed him every now and then.
  • George: More "then" than "now", I'd say.

  • George: What's the dog's name?
  • Watchman: Twenty.
  • George: That's unusual for a dog.
  • Watchman: It's his registration number. Security Dog Number 20.
  • George: Does Number 20 have rabies?
  • Watchman: Nah, just a bad attitude. They took him when he was a puppy and messed with his head to make him the way he is!

  • George: That animal doesn't seem too hot for a guard dog.
  • Watchman: No? You haven't seen him in action!
  • George: He doesn't look like he has the energy to wag his tail.

  • George: I have these very exotic panties....
  • Watchman: Take them away, you pervert!

  • George: It was an old iron stove, which heated the hut and the watchman's dinner.
  • George: [touches the stove]
  • George: Yow!
  • George: Stove equals heat, heat equals burn, burn equals excruciating pain.

  • George: Have you ever considered changing your diet?
  • Watchman: What's wrong with beans and beer?
  • George: You need me to tell you? You're pumping out enough methane here to fill a dirigible!

  • George: Do you recognize this metal cone?
  • Watchman: Say! That's just like the Tin Man wore. You know, The Wizard of Oz.
  • George: I'd have never taken you for a fan of Dorothy and Toto.
  • Watchman: That dumb kid? She ruined the whole damn thing for me, all that singing and stuff. Anyhow, she wasn't even a real kid. They stuffed her in a corset so her titties didn't show.

  • Nico: About time! You could have at least have helped me before grabbing everything you could find!
  • George: Not so loud, they'll hear you!
  • Nico: Get these ropes off me right now!
  • George: You know, the mood you're in, maybe that's not such a good idea.

  • George: Lobineau tells me he's been...seeing a lot of you.
  • Nico: We meet sometimes for lunch, a drink. After you'd gone back to the States I was pretty lonely, you know.
  • George: Lonely? You must've been desperate. Couldn't you just visit the zoo or something?

  • George: Great teamwork.
  • Nico: Nice to be working with you again, Mr. Stobbart.

  • George: Would you like a biscuit?
  • Nico: Gourmet Dog? Have you been eating those things, George?

  • George: Would you like a dog biscuit?
  • Conchita: Would you like a smack in the mouth, chico?

  • George: Would either of you guys care for a biscuit?
  • Musician A: A dog biscuit, Señor?
  • Musician B: Are you trying to insult us?
  • George: No really, they're good!
  • Musician B: We'll take your word for it.

  • George: Would you like a biscuit, Duane?
  • Duane: Oh, no. Those gourmet dog snacks bring me out in a rash.
  • George: You've tried 'em?
  • Duane: They were on special offer, Pearl bought a whole crate. When I asked her if she was thinking of keeping a dog too, she just laughed!

  • George: Care for a dog biscuit?
  • Raoul: Are you trying to bribe me?
  • George: Well, every man has his price.
  • Raoul: Mine is more than a dog cookie, Señor Stobbart.

  • George: Would you like a gourmet dog snack biscuit?
  • Ronaldo: I would love one Señor, but I would have a problem with my teeth.
  • George: Toothache?
  • Ronaldo: No, Señor. If the General catches me eating on duty, he'll knock them out.

  • George: Would you like a biscuit?
  • Oubier: No, thank you.
  • George: You should, they're good.
  • George: [munching] Umf, I cahugn gued enuff uff thees thinns!

  • George: So, what has La Presidenta done for this country? Apart from emasculating its music?
  • Soldier: Take a look around you, Señor. The splendid docks, the walk-in shopping mall. But most of all, she has brought prosperity.
  • George: Where?
  • Soldier: For the first time in the history of Quaramonte, we have an export trade!

  • George: Does the name "Karzac" mean anything to you?
  • Duane: Sounds like a comic book villain to me, son.
  • George: He's the man behind Condor, and the rat who kidnapped Nico.
  • Duane: You know, the first time I met you I was deeply impressed with your naive simplicity. I said to Pearl, "If we ever had kids, I would have wanted a boy like George!".

  • George: Folk music is a link with the past for some of these people! Take away their musical roots and what have they got left?
  • Raoul: Easy listening.
  • George: You think easy listening could replace a musical heritage hundreds of years old?
  • Raoul: Why not? It happened in your country.

  • George: My girlfriend has a favor she'd like to ask you, General.
  • Raoul: For you, my dear, anything.
  • Nico: I've changed my mind.
  • George: Oh no you haven't. Erm, she's embarrassed about asking you for an interview, General.
  • Raoul: An interview? With me? Fabuloso!
  • Nico: Well...ah...I want to write a story about you.
  • Raoul: You hear that, Ronaldo? An exclusive glossy spread about your beloved General!
  • Ronaldo: Si, Señor General.
  • Raoul: Look after things here. I'm going back to my apartment and I don't want to be disturbed.
  • Nico: I'll get you for this, George Stobbart!
  • George: Don't worry: if you're gone for more than a couple of hours, I'll come and get you.
  • Nico: A couple of hours?!

  • Nico: Big fish. Catch it yourself?
  • Raoul: Catch it? Ah hah ha, fishing poles are for children.
  • Nico: Then how did...are those bullet holes?
  • Raoul: Two magazines on full automatic. It put up quite a fight.

  • Nico: Who's the guy with the hat and the fat cigar?
  • Raoul: My mother.

  • George: You came on a little strong with the General.
  • Nico: I was merely flattering his ego, George. Every man has his Achilles Heel.
  • George: Maybe, but that guy's weakness isn't in his foot.

  • George: Do you recognize this?
  • Nico: Is that the dart which knocked me out?
  • George: That's right! I kept it as a souvenir.

  • George: [holding a dead tequila worm] Take a look at this, Nico.
  • Nico: That's disgusting, George! Why are you carrying it around with you?
  • George: I dunno, I just can't seem to part with it.

  • George: Are you sure this is chocolate? It tastes kinda....awful.
  • Nico: It's a souviner of London.
  • George: What'd you do, scrape it off the street?

  • George: It was a ship's bell.
  • George: Two bells and all's well!
  • George: Pirates were cool.

  • George: Maybe that wheel was from Catch's ship! Suddenly, I was twelve years old again.
  • George: Hard ta port, bos'un! Aye-aye, Captain Stobbart!
  • George: She cannae take it, Captain! The lad's dead. Abandon ship!


  • George: Why don't you go play with Rio?
  • Emily: I'm not allowed.
  • George: How come?
  • Emily: 'Cause Aunt Frost says I'm not allowed out of the house, that's why, Mr. Nosy Beak!
  • George: Too bad. Why don't you ask your other Aunt if you can play with Rio?
  • Emily: Aunt Mina's cuckoo, Aunt Frost said so. She says when the Lord handed out common sense, Aunt Mina was off getting double portions of chin.

  • George: Here, I've got a conch. Would you like it?
  • Emily: Dunno. Aunt Frost told me never to take presents from strange men.
  • George: I'm not a strange man.
  • Emily: Then why're you called "Jaws," Jaws? That's a stupid name.
  • George: I'm not called... [sigh] look. Conch. Pretty. Swap for the cross, yes or no?
  • Emily: Ummmm....
  • George: Right, this thing's going out the window!
  • Emily: Okay! We'll do swapsies.

  • George: I've put the feather back. Are you happy now?
  • Emily: Don't you want to steal it anymore?
  • George: For the last time, I didn't steal it!
  • Emily: That's your word against mine, and I'm the one with the dimples.

  • George: Would you like one of these biscuits?
  • Emily: Ugh, those are dog biscuits!
  • George: So what?
  • Emily: They'll give you dog breath! Stinky dog breath!
  • George: [flippantly] You know, I don't care!

  • George: Will you help me get those plans?
  • Rio: I don't wanna go nowhere near that man. He promised to drown me when he found the fish I left in his sleeping bag.

  • Nico: Drop the gun or I'll shoot!
  • Raoul: Please, don't hurt me!
  • Nico: Don't worry yourself, my finger isn't loaded.

  • George: That spider was VERY squished!




Broken Sword: The Sleeping Dragon[edit]

  • George: This isn't gonna be easy.
  • Harry: That's why you're in front, George.

  • Col. Butley: Are you aware of the annual Glastonbury Popular Music Festival?
  • George: The Glastonbury Popular Music Festival? Hmm, that's one of the most popular music festivals on the Popular Music Festival calendar!

  • George: You're Irish.
  • Eamon: No, no. I'm from Hawaii. The "Maui" O'Maras.
  • George: [dubiously] You're not from Hawaii.
  • Eamon: [chuckling] No, I'm not. I lied. Very astute of you to see through it. You clearly have a lucid and highly rational cognitive process.

  • Eamon: Faeries guard King Arthur's sword, Excalibur, under that.
  • George: Really?
  • Eamon: No.

  • George: You can't need a drink that much, can ya?
  • Eamon: Ah, now that's a complicated question. Let's discuss it over a beer.
  • George: It's 10 o'clock in the morning!
  • Eamon: Precisely.

  • Eamon: I'm here as a professional media Irishman researching my new BBC program.
  • George: Oh, you're putting together a TV show!
  • Eamon: Bingo! Give the man a figurative coconut!

  • George: Oh man, these aren't pants!
  • Tristram: Yes they are.
  • George: No they're not, these are shorts!
  • Tristram: What are you, some kind of underwear detective?
  • George: These are shorts. These are pants.
  • Tristram: No. Those are pants, and those are trousers.
  • George: Aw heck. I'll take 'em anyway.

  • Melissa: How did you know my name?
  • George: Well your dad's stomping up and down the street like Godzilla, except scarier.
  • Melissa: Daddy? Oh my God, he isn't.
  • Melissa: [peering out the window] Oh my God, he is!

  • George: Do you know a Lady Piermont?
  • Melissa: Aunt Clarissa? I should say so! Lovely old duck. How do you know her?
  • George: Met her in Paris a few years back.
  • Melissa: On one of her man-trawling holidays, no doubt. I say, did you and Aunt Clarissa-
  • George: Uh, no. Not my type.
  • Melissa: No, you don't have that haunted look her conquests usually display.

  • George: These poems, Tristam doesn't write 'em. They're all copies.
  • Melissa: Well, duh. Obviously.
  • George: What?
  • Melissa: I knew that.
  • George: What?
  • Melissa: You must think I'm totally dim.
  • George: No! I just thought he'd tricked ya. You know, put you under his spell.
  • Melissa: Oh, you're too sweet. George, are you for real?
  • George: I don't-
  • Melissa: You've come to save me like a knight in armor!
  • George: Well that wasn't my original plan, but it became an option.
  • Melissa: Oh, I could kiss you all over!
  • George: Hey, steady! Remember the Geneva convention!
  • Melissa: Who cares? I don't take prisoners.

  • Bruno: Because you have to use the key at precisely the right moment. There is just a tiny door of opportunity!
  • George: Eh, you mean "window."
  • Bruno: A window? Not a door?
  • George: I know, it makes no sense.

  • George: Not only that, they, uh...knighted me.
  • Nico: What?
  • George: Knighted. As in, made me a knight.
  • Andre: Extraordinary!
  • George: That's how it felt.
  • Beatrice: Did they do it with a sword?
  • Geroge: Yep, whole shebang. Arise, Sir George! Whad'ya think, Nico?
  • Nico: I'm speechless.
  • George: I guess if you and me were married, that'd make you a Lady.
  • Nico: Very funny.
  • Beatrice: So what should we call you? Your Highness?
  • Andre: My Liege?
  • George: Oh shucks, let's not be formal. "Lord Stobbart Of Idaho" will do for now.

  • George: By the way, have you and Lobineau...
  • Nico: Have we what?
  • George: Have you been doing that...stuff?
  • Nico: What stuff?
  • George: Boy-girl stuff.
  • Nico: Oh, that stuff.
  • George: Yeah. That stuff.
  • Nico: Boy-girl stuff.
  • George: That's what I said.
  • Nico: Listen, George. Andre is a good friend.
  • George: Yeah? So it's just a coincidence he's around again?
  • Nico: He's an expert in ancient manuscripts! Who else was I going to call?
  • George: Well what's wrong with the very old, very ugly experts you see all over the place?

  • George: Uh. A couple of heavies with guns.
  • George: Suddenly, patent law had its attractions.

  • George: Take a look at this Nico, I found it under the stage. Face paints.
  • Nico: Well done, George. Shall I paint your face like a tiger, or maybe even a cute little bear?

  • George: [punches Susarro to the ground]
  • George: Hey Nico, how 'bout that?
  • Nico: He was a frail old man, George.
  • George: Yeah, but he had a big stick.

  • Nico: What now, George?
  • George: How 'bout taking that trip to New York we always promised ourselves?
  • Nico: No, I meant, what do we do with Susarro?
  • George: Him? Oh, hand him over the cops, I guess.
  • Nico: We've still got to find Petra.
  • Petra: Get away from there!
  • Susarro: Problem solved, I believe.



  • Nico: Hey George, it's your favorite blonde.
  • Petra: Shut up!

  • George: The key? Oh, I'm terrible with keys. You'll have to remind me: uh, which key was that again?
  • Petra: Don't play games, Stobbart! I know you've got it. You stole it from the safe!
  • George: Oh, the Key of Solomon!
  • Nico: Why didn't you say?
  • Petra: Give it to me!
  • George: We'd love to.
  • Nico: But-
  • George: We don't actually have the key here with us. We left it back home.
  • Petra: So, you haven't got it!
  • Nico: No.
  • Petra: That is a shame. A big shame.
  • George: Yep. Real sorry you've had to come all this way for nothing.
  • Petra: Oh, it's not a wasted journey.
  • George: Oh, good.

  • Nico: Tell me that wasn't the entrance sealing behind us.
  • George: But Nico...it was.
  • Nico: Just tell me!
  • George: "Hey, lucky that wasn't the entrance sealing behind us, or we could be entombed for eternity!"
  • Nico: Thanks, George.

  • Nico: Let's just feel our way around.
  • George: [alluringly] Hey, what's this?
  • Nico: George...
  • George: Right, sorry.

  • George: Another day, another ancient temple complex. Eh, Nico?
  • Nico: Please don't start with your tales of daring-do around the world, George. I am really not in the mood.

  • George: I wonder if we'll run into Petra, too.
  • Nico: There's an expression on your face when you say that which I really don't like.
  • George: Well, she is kind of-
  • Nico: Think very carefully before you finish that sentence.
  • George: Uh, a psychotic, scheming killer?
  • Nico: Good. Just remember that.

  • Bruno: In their eyes, I am a traitor. They do not forget. They do not forgive!
  • George: Yeah, I'm not on their Christmas card list either.

  • George: I guess you're right. I'll try and find a way out.
  • Nico: You do that. And George...
  • George: Yeah?
  • Nico: If you see anything that looks like a bomb, stay away from it this time, okay?
  • George: Gee, I'll try.

  • Alfonse: I'm not a half-wit!
  • Flobbage: I was rounding up!

  • Flobbage: The compressor! You turned the compressor off again!
  • Alfonse: Did I?
  • Flobbage: Unless the compressor was switched off by an unexpected event at the quantum level!
  • Alfonse: Oh. I try not to do anything at the quantum level.
  • Flobbage: It's rare for you to do anything at any level!

  • George: Another corpse!
  • Nico: He must have triggered the trap and been...spiked to death.
  • George: Spiked...to death. That's nice, Nico.

  • George: Nico, I want you to know. If anything happens to me-
  • Nico: Yes?
  • George: Uh, you can have my Tin-Tin collection.
  • Nico: Thanks, George. I'm so touched.

  • Nico: Um, George, when I first knew you that would have been no problem.
  • George: Guess I must be carrying a little more muscle, huh?
  • Nico: Yeah. The fat kind.

  • George: Sometimes you get lucky and find a real treasure.
  • George: Hey, string!

Broken Sword: The Angel of Death[edit]

  • Virgil: Hey glad you could stop by, George. If you see anything that hasn't been smashed, help yourself. Finish the place off, huh? Better still, torch it! Raze it to the ground!
  • George: Virgil, you're upset. I can see that.
  • Virgil: That's why I went into business with you, partner: that amazing detective brain.
  • George: We got insurance, don't we?
  • Virgil: You let it lapse, remember?
  • George: Ah.

  • George: That's a lovely lighter.
  • Alfonso: Eh, it's all I got left to remind me of my old man.
  • George: Oh.
  • Alfonso: Poor bastard died in a gas explosion.
  • George: Shame.
  • Alfonso: They found his lighter half a mile away. Polished up nice though, don't you think?

  • George: What a surprisingly sweet, sentimental man you are.
  • Alfonso. What?

  • Alfonso: Aay, I told you already! Leave it alone!
  • George: I know, sorry. Bad George!

  • George: Is it a good read?
  • Thalwell: Oh it's a wonderful book, full of magic and wonder!
  • George: And, let me guess, geese?
  • Thalwell: It's a scandal that it still hasn't graced the best-seller list!
  • George: Oh, it's a crime! A literary crime!

  • George: You okay?
  • Anna-Maria: Sure. Virgil's looking after me.
  • George: Oh. He is?
  • Anna-Maria: Uh-huh. He's teaching me all about blues chords.
  • George: Well isn't that nice.


(later)

  • Anna-Maria: Be careful, George. These guys are dangerous.
  • George: Don't worry, I will be. You okay?
  • Anna-Maria: Fine. Virgil just took me out for coffee.
  • George: Oh. Well wasn't that nice of him.
  • Anna-Maria: I know. He's really looking after me.
  • George: Yeah, I bet he is.


(later)

  • George: I'll be with you soon, just gotta find my way into their office. You gonna be okay?
  • Anna-Maria: I'm fine. Virgil can be so sweet.
  • George: Yeah, he can, can't he.

  • George: Okay Nico, here's how we planned-
  • Anna-Maria: Nico?!
  • George: Wha- uh, Anna-Maria! Sorry.

  • George: Don't worry, I'll figure out a way. Trust me.
  • Anna-Maria: I do...with my life.
  • George: Hey, I wouldn't go that far.

  • Alfonso: That's not the point! This place was in tip-top shape. Gettin' it back to how it was...s'gonna take me years.
  • George: Years of neglect, maybe.

  • George: You know, that guy's tattoo was very unusual.
  • Officer O'Halloran: Surprise me.
  • George: It was a snake with massive fangs, wrapped around what looked like...
  • Officer O'Halloran: Spit it out, man.
  • George: Wrapped around, well, a salami.
  • Officer O'Halloran: A salami, you say.
  • George: Yes. A salami, I say.

  • George: Do you like golf?
  • Chico: Nah, I could never handle the clubs. Every swing, "smack" right into the ground! Nothin' beats a baseball bat!
  • George: Really? Well, it- it's never too late to learn! Let me present the Stobbart patented extendable golf club.
  • Chico: Ah, extendable. Could be useful. 'Course if you're talking portable, it's gotta be the knife. Every time!
  • George: Knife?
  • Chico: Oh yeah. Ah, sorry. My mistake. That's a nice club. Very nice.
  • George: You know, this club is the future! Hard-wearing, durable, and comes with a lifetime guarantee!
  • Chico: But could you trust it in a life-or-death situation? Could'ya, huh?
  • George: How many life-or-death situations do you get in a game of golf?
  • Chico: What? Oh! Yeah. Sorry, my mistake. It's a nice club! Very nice.

  • Chico: How about a twenty-eight-year-old vintage salami, made the way Mamma used to make it, huh?
  • George: Uh, thanks, but no. Spicy foods don't agree with me.
  • Chico: You mean...you don't eat salami?
  • George: Uh...no.
  • Chico: Not...ever?
  • George: Uh, not really.
  • Chico: Like...never?

  • George: Ah hah ha! Just kidding! Hah ha! ha! I'm crazy about salami! I'd die for salami! I love...salami. Hahahaha!
  • Chico: Heh heh heh heh, yeah, and I love you too! You're a funny guy!

  • George: So why are you working down here in the salami shop?
  • Chico: Well, first and foremost, I love salami! On second and secondmost, if I wasn't here, how could I demonstrate my love of salami to so many people?

  • George: [brightly] Hey, take a look at what I found!
  • Guard: Ice?
  • George: But this is no ordinary ice, it's from a far-away land!
  • Guard: It's from the back of that truck. I just saw you get it!
  • George: Oh. Where's your sense of fun?
  • Guard: I keep it in this fist. Capiche?

  • George: [brightly] Look what I got from the meat-packing company!
  • Anna-Maria: Very nice, George.
  • George: Mmm, shame I don't like salami. You like salami?
  • Anna-Maria: I'd rather eat feet.
  • George: Interesting notion.

  • George: It says... [translating] "Below the fortress of the one true patriarch awaits the angel, for he who is worthy and follows the path of the righteous."
  • Anna-Maria: Your Latin's good.
  • George: It was kinda geeky at school, but you know what? It sure paid off.

  • Waiter: Good afternoon, Effendi. I bring chai for you and your good lady wife.
  • George: Ah...thank you, heh heh. [aside] She's not my wife, you know.
  • Waiter: Ah, of course. Yes, well you are indeed blessed to have such a beautiful mistress.
  • George: Uh, no. What I mean is, we haven't...uh, we don't...mmm. There's nothing happening.
  • Waiter: Do not worry, sir. A few nights here in the beautiful Pasha Palace and the sweet creature will know your special gift of romantic love, I am sure.

  • George: I'm going to distract the receptionist. Can you grab the letter while she's not looking?
  • Anna-Maria: You bet. Isn't this fun?
  • George: Shhh! [giddily] It is, isn't it?

  • Receptionist: You, a famous golfer? I don't think so.
  • George: I'm on TV all the time!
  • Receptionist: I don't recognize you.
  • George: I look different on TV. Shorter. And wider. And, uh, different.

  • Receptionist: You know, it's really hard to find clubs that fit the female frame.
  • George: Oh, really. I'm sure in your case that's not a problem.
  • Receptionist: I'm sorry, what do you mean?
  • George: Well, uh, your frame is, uh it would, uh- uh, look good on a golf...club?
  • Receptionist: My frame? On a golf club?
  • George: Istanbul, what a city. What a city!

  • George: You really do have a familiar face. Do you sing?
  • Receptionist: No, but I scream. Very loudly. Please excuse me.

  • Soldier: My little honey, is that you? [Gasp], have you come back to me? My darling, have you forgiven me? Oh, please! I recognize your breathing! It is you, it is! Oh joy, oh happiness!
  • George: Oh dear, sorry to disappoint you, it's just me. Better luck next time, soldier!
  • George: Ah, well. I guess he dumped the phone. Kind of ironic.

  • George: Just like old times, eh Nico?
  • Nico: Yeah. In trouble up to our necks.

  • Receptionist: So at the end, he was thinking of me?
  • Nico: Oh, yes. He said, "Remember me to...to the receptionist."
  • Receptionist: [tearfully] He said that?
  • Nico: Well, more or less. I don't recall exactly.

  • George: You know, one day Nico, something like this'll happen to you. And when it does and it's you that's hurting, I certainly won't be making cheap gags about it.
  • Nico: Oh, no?
  • George: Okay, maybe just a couple. But for revenge's sake.

  • Nico: How about that, George. You've fallen for a girl who lives in the very heart of the most romantic city in the world. Shame she never told you.
  • George: You- there's a cruel streak in you, Nico, that I never saw before.

  • George: Excuse me. I'm trying to find a lady.
  • Resident: Well try somewhere else, you pervert.

  • Brother Mark: Do you mind me asking what your business with her might be?
  • George: Oh, uh, we're renting the place from her. All the hotels are booked up.
  • Brother Mark: I see. Of course, with Il Popa's ecumenical service only days away, that's hardly surprising, is it.
  • George: Yep, that old ecumenical service. Sure is as popular as ever!
  • Brother Mark: And yet, this is his first.
  • George: Uh, we knew that. We knew that. That's why we're here. Il Popa's first. ♪ Go Popa. ♫.

  • George: I can't believe a man of the cloth has a thing for an actress like Lucy Chu.
  • Brother Mark: She's strong, George. A woman to aspire to.
  • George: Uh-huh.
  • Brother Mark: She knows her own mind and takes no nonsense from men.
  • George: Respect.
  • Brother Mark: There's God. And then there's Lucy Chu.

  • Brother Mark: Hey! Stay away from my car! It's very precious, and I've only just waxed it.
  • George: I'm sorry, I didn't realize.
  • Brother Mark: Well, please! Look at the gleam and realize!
  • George: Okay! I'm realizing!

  • Archie: Reminds me of my good lady wife.
  • George: Oh. Did something bad happen?
  • Archie: Monte Cassino happened, old boy! Winter of '43! Me and General Leese up against Kesselring.
  • George: Two against one? Good odds.
  • Archie: I was the outsider! Caught a blightly one. Never made it home.
  • George: Hey, that's tough. Getting wounded.
  • Archie: Wounded? Well don't be silly, th- I uh, I got drunk, I ran off with a nurse and opened a bar in Palermo.
  • George: You are all heart, Archie.
  • Archie: All heart and no liver, to be precise. Ugh.

  • George: What do you know about Mark's car?
  • Archie: Gets more attention than I've had hot women! Or is that dinners? If anything happens to it, the poor chap falls apart. Comes to pieces! Tiny, tiny pieces!

  • Archie: I say, Jimmy, I- I may be drunk, but I can still see you...in a blurry sort of way. Now leave my bread alone!
  • George: But it looks so tempting!
  • Archie: Stealing from a tramp? Have you no shame?

  • George: You know, Archie appears to have taken a bit of a shine to you. You distract him while I try and steal his bread.
  • Nico: So it's come to this, huh George.
  • George: [brightly] That's the spirit!

  • George: So what do you think is going on, Nico?
  • Nico: You really want to know?
  • George: Sure.
  • Nico: Well, at first I thought you'd been conned into helping some kind of robbery.
  • George: And now?
  • Nico: Now I think it's worse than that. Now I think you're caught up in some kind of conspiracy. Illegal shipments, fraud, or worse.
  • George: Hmmm. Last time I ask you for good news.

  • Brother Mark: I see you've made yourself at home.
  • George: Well, "When in Rome."
  • Brother Mark: "When in Rome?"
  • George: "When in Rome...uh, make yourself at home!"

  • George: Mark, I've got a little something I know you're gonna like.
  • Brother Mark: Why, George. Aren't you the dark horse.
  • George: What? Uh, yeah. Yeah. Anyway, I have here a photograph of Lucy Chu.
  • Brother Mark: Oh, George! It's heavenly! I'm aching with jealousy- oh quickly Lord, forgive me!
  • George: I wouldn't bank on it, Mark.

  • George: I forgot to mention, Mark. That photo of Lucy Chu? It's signed.
  • Brother Mark: Wow! That's amazing! She hardly ever signs anything! What does it say?
  • George: "To my biggest fan: may the heavens shine upon you for your support. Love Lucy, kiss, kiss, kiss."
  • Brother Mark: Kiss, kiss, kiss?
  • George: "Kiss...kiss...kiss."

  • Brother Mark: Okay, how about my talking Bishop? Fits most steering wheels. In the event of a crash, it automatically delivers the last rites.
  • George: I'll pass, thanks.

  • Nico: Cute nun.
  • George: Uh, very cute.
  • Nico: So what's the deal?
  • George: This nun...is Anna-Maria.
  • Nico: No way.
  • George: Yes, way. Very way. In a big way!
  • Nico: Whoa! You've been dating a nun, George. A nun!
  • George: Well she wasn't wearing all that gear when I met her!
  • Nico: In some countries they execute you for that, George.
  • George: Well, maybe she's not a real nun! Maybe she's at a costume party!
  • Nico: Yeah, and those goons who attacked you in New York were the Seven Dwarves.

  • George (as Old Uncle Herman): Shoot, you sure don't like a fella havin' a bit of fun, do ya.
  • Swiss Guard: The word "fun" and the word "Vatican" are not acquainted with each other. Goodbye.

  • George (as Old Uncle Herman): Hey, those are some pants! Do they sell them here?
  • Swiss Guard: No, you are being foolish. If you have inquiries, please use the doorbell.

  • George (as Old Uncle Herman): Aw, shucks. See, I'm over here from Texas, looking for my high school sweetheart. She upped and signed on the line for you good folk just before we was due to get hitched.
  • Swiss Guard: Which department, please?
  • George (as Old Uncle Herman): Shoot, I dunno. Uh, "Nun Department," I guess.
  • Swiss Guard: Are you trying to be funny, Sir? Do you wish me to put you in jail for the night?
  • George (as Old Uncle Herman): Heck no! I've had my fill of jails, just lookin' for Emilene.
  • Swiss Guard: A likely story. "Nun Department," indeed.

  • Swiss Guard: If you continue with this charade, I shall be forced to have you arrested. Do you understand?
  • George (as Old Uncle Herman): Guess it's true: Europe just ain't America's friend anymore.

  • George: So, d'ya fancy my bottle of Red then?
  • Archie: It's empty, George. An empty bottle maketh no man drunken.
  • George: Very perceptive.
  • Archie: My intellect is peerless.
  • George: Pickled, you mean.

  • Sister Angelica: Hello? Who is this?
  • George: Hey, it's Brother Angus! I was just looking through my address book and though I'd give you a ring. Eh, so how's it cookin' baby?
  • Sister Angelica: The only Brother Angus I know took a vow of silence thirty years ago.
  • George: Yep, that's me! Doesn't time fly when you're being quiet?
  • Sister Angelica: Hmmm. I think I preferred you with your mouth shut. Goodbye, Angus.

  • George: Whatever happened to kindness and charity?
  • Sister Angelica: Ha! Whatever happened to respect and manners?
  • George: Whatever happened to French onion sellers, huh? Where'd they all go?

  • Nico: I think the answer's in Phoenix, George.
  • George: You think we should go there to the lab?
  • Nico: I'll go.
  • George: What if [Anna-Maria]'s there?
  • Nico: I'll give her your blessing.
  • George: Ouch.
  • Nico: Sorry George, couldn't resist. I'll head straight off to the airport. What will you do?
  • George: Look for clues. Talk to people, I guess.
  • Nico: Be careful. I'll be in touch.

  • Nico: Too bad I left my nun outfit back in Istanbul. Might have been useful.
  • George: Eh, didn't really suit ya.
  • Nico: Guess you're the expert.
  • George: Oh, funny. Very funny.

  • George: [inebriated] ♪ And if one green bottle should accidentally fa- fall, there'll be no green bottles banging on the wall ♫. Ha ha ha!
  • Brother Mark: Well, George! And there's me thinkin' you were a quiet one.
  • George: [inebriated] Now, why aren't I dead yet? Well for pity's sake, finish me off.
  • Brother Mark: When you're back to your usual self, you'll be please to know the gas men have fixed the leak in Anna-Maria's apartment.
  • George: [inebriated] Terrific! Leave the oven door open. I'll be right up.

  • George: Mark, can you defuse a bomb?
  • Brother Mark: Well, let me see. No.
  • George: Good! That makes two of us.

  • Nico: Could you give me a hand?
  • Maynard: Need a strong man, huh?
  • Nico: Yes, but you'll do.

  • Sister Serena: This factory has been the center of wafer production in Rome for nearly eighty years now. In 2000, we decided to automate the process. Hence, the Communion Companion 5XLI.
  • George (as Inspector Henry Steiner): The Communion Companion 5XLI?
  • Sister Serena: Why, yes.
  • George (as Inspector Henry Steiner): You prefer that to the Wafer Wundermat Cyclone-A?
  • Sister Serena: Oh. I don't know, I've never heard-
  • George (as Inspector Henry Steiner): Never mind. Suffice it to say, you chose an inferior model. I hope your health and safety standards are somewhat higher.
  • Sister Serena: Oh dear.

  • George (as Inspector Henry Steiner): These cutters. What precisely is your cut-to-death ratio?
  • Sister Serena: What?!
  • George (as Inspector Henry Steiner): The relationship between cutter operation aggregates and notifiable fatalities.
  • Sister Serena: Oh. Umm...
  • George (as Inspector Henry Steiner): Are the cutters safe?
  • Sister Serena: Oh, yes. They're safe.
  • George (as Inspector Henry Steiner): They're safe?
  • Sister Serena: Very safe.
  • George (as Inspector Henry Steiner): Are they safe?
  • Sister Serena: Umm...well, no?
  • George (as Inspector Henry Steiner): No?
  • Sister Serena: No, they're not safe.
  • George (as Inspector Henry Steiner): They are not safe?
  • Sister Serena: No. They're dangerous.
  • George (as Inspector Henry Steiner): Dangerous?
  • Sister Serena: Very dangerous.
  • George (as Inspector Henry Steiner): So they are not safe.
  • Sister Serena: No, they're not safe. Not safe at all.
  • George (as Inspector Henry Steiner): I see. But are they...safe?
  • Sister Serena: Yes. They're very safe.
  • George (as Inspector Henry Steiner): They're safe?
  • Sister Serena: Oh, yes. Very, very safe.
  • George (as Inspector Henry Steiner): Good. Simple question, simple answer. That's all I needed.

  • George (as Inspector Henry Steiner): These ovens. Do you ever cook...pizza in them?
  • Sister Serena: What?!
  • George (as Inspector Henry Steiner): I just wondered. I would. If I were you.
  • Sister Serena: Well, we don't. They are for the Holy wafers, not pizzas.
  • George (as Inspector Henry Steiner): Good answer to a trick question. Never drop your guard, Sister!

  • George (as Inspector Henry Steiner): This cooling area: would you eat your dinner off it?
  • Sister Serena: Certainly not!
  • George (as Inspector Henry Steiner): Ah-ha! Not clean enough, eh?
  • Sister Serena: No, of course not. It's for wafers!
  • George (as Inspector Henry Steiner): But would you...lick it?
  • Sister Serena: Mr. Steiner....lick it?!
  • George (as Inspector Henry Steiner): Yes, Sister. Lick it. Would you?
  • Sister Serena: No!
  • George (as Inspector Henry Steiner): Very good! Outrage nine out of ten. Excellent score!

  • George (as Inspector Henry Steiner): George pours a bottle of miniature wine into dough mixer
  • George (as Inspector Henry Steiner): I'm a naughty naughty naughty naughty naughty health inspector!

External links[edit]

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