CSI: Crime Scene Investigation

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CSI: Crime Scene Investigation (usually referred to as CSI) (2000-) is a dramatic television series about the Forensics Crime Lab in Las Vegas.

Contents 1 Season 1 1.1 Pilot [1.1] 1.2 Cool Change [1.2] 1.3 Crate 'n Burial [1.3] 1.4 Pledging Mr. Johnson [1.4] 1.5 Friends and Lovers [1.5] 1.6 Who Are You? [1.6] 1.7 Blood Drops [1.7] 1.8 Anonymous [1.8] 1.9 Unfriendly Skies [1.9] 1.10 Sex, Lies, and Larvae [1.10] 1.11 I-15 Murders [1.11] 1.12 Fahrenheit 932 [1.12] 1.13 Boom [1.13] 1.14 To Halve and to Hold [1.14] 1.15 Table Stakes [1.15] 1.16 Too Tough to Die [1.16] 1.17 Face Lift [1.17] 1.18 $35K O.B.O. [1.18] 1.19 Gentle, Gentle [1.19] 1.20 Sounds of Silence [1.20] 1.21 Justice is Served [1.21] 1.22 Evaluation Day [1.22] 1.23 The Strip Strangler [1.23] 2 Season 2 2.1 Burked [2.1] 2.2 Chaos Theory [2.2] 2.3 Overload [2.3] 2.4 Bully for You [2.4] 2.5 Scuba Doobie-Doo [2.5] 2.6 Alter Boys [2.6] 2.7 Caged [2.7] 2.8 Slaves of Las Vegas [2.8] 2.9 And Then There Were None [2.9] 2.10 Ellie [2.10] 2.11 Organ Grinder [2.11] 2.12 You've Got Male [2.12] 2.13 Identity Crisis [2.13] 2.14 The Finger [2.14] 2.15 Burden of Proof [2.15] 2.16 Primum Non Nocere [2.16] 2.17 Felonius Monk [2.17] 2.18 Chasing the Bus [2.18] 2.19 Stalker [2.19] 2.20 Cats in the Cradle [2.20] 2.21 Anatomy of a Lye [2.21] 2.22 Cross-Jurisdictions [2.22] 2.23 The Hunger Artist [2.23] 3 Season 3 3.1 Revenge Is Best Served Cold [3.01] 3.2 The Accused Is Entitled [3.02] 3.3 Let the Seller Beware [3.03] 3.4 A Little Murder [3.04] 3.5 Abra Cadaver [3.05] 3.6 The Execution of Catherine Willows [3.06] 3.7 Fight Night [3.07] 3.8 Snuff [3.08] 3.9 Blood Lust [3.09] 3.10 High and Low [3.10] 3.11 Recipe for Murder [3.11] 3.12 Got Murder? [3.12] 3.13 Random Acts of Violence [3.13] 3.14 One Hit Wonder [3.14] 3.15 Lady Heather's Box [3.15] 3.16 Lucky Strike [3.16] 3.17 Crash and Burn [3.17] 3.18 Precious Metal [3.18] 3.19 A Night At The Movies [3.19] 3.20 Last Laugh [3.20] 3.21 Forever [3.21] 3.22 Play with Fire [3.22] 3.23 Inside the Box [3.23] 4 Season 4 4.1 Assume Nothing [4.01] 4.2 All for Our Country [4.02] 4.3 Homebodies [4.03] 4.4 Feeling the Heat [4.04] 4.5 Fur and Loathing [4.05] 4.6 Jackpot [4.06] 4.7 Invisible Evidence [4.07] 4.8 After the Show [4.08] 4.9 Grissom Versus the Volcano [4.09] 4.10 Coming of Rage [4.10] 4.11 Eleven Angry Jurors [4.11] 4.12 Butterflied [4.12] 4.13 Suckers [4.13] 4.14 Paper or Plastic? [4.14] 4.15 Early Rollout [4.15] 4.16 Getting Off [4.16] 4.17 XX [4.17] 4.18 Bad to the Bone [4.18] 4.19 Bad Words [4.19] 4.20 Dead Ringer [4.20] 4.21 Turn of the Screws [4.21] 4.22 No More Bets [4.22] 4.23 Bloodlines [4.23] 5 Season 5 5.1 Viva Las Vegas [5.01] 5.2 Down the Drain [5.02] 5.3 Harvest [5.03] 5.4 Crow's Feet [5.04] 5.5 Swap Meet [5.05] 5.6 What's Eating Gilbert Grissom? [5.06] 5.7 Formalities [5.07] 5.8 Ch-Ch-Changes [5.08] 5.9 Mea Culpa [5.09] 5.10 No Humans Involved [5.10] 5.11 Who Shot Sherlock [5.11] 5.12 Snakes [5.12] 5.13 Nesting Dolls [5.13] 5.14 Unbearable [5.14] 5.15 King Baby [5.15] 5.16 Big Middle [5.16] 5.17 Compulsion [5.17] 5.18 Spark of Life [5.18] 5.19 4x4 [5.19] 5.20 Hollywood Brass [5.20] 5.21 Committed [5.21] 5.22 Weeping Willows [5.22] 5.23 Iced [5.23] 5.24 Grave Danger [5.24] 6 Season 6 6.1 Bodies in Motion [6.1] 6.2 Room Service [6.2] 6.3 Bite Me [6.3] 6.4 Shooting Stars [6.4] 6.5 Gum Drops [6.5] 6.6 Secrets and Flies [6.6] 6.7 A Bullet Runs Through It, Part 1 [6.7] 6.8 A Bullet Runs Through It, Part 2 [6.8] 6.9 Dog Eat Dog [6.9] 6.10 Still Life [6.10] 6.11 Werewolves [6.11] 6.12 Daddy's Little Girl [6.12] 6.13 Kiss Kiss, Bye Bye [6.13] 6.14 Killer [6.14] 6.15 Pirates of the Third Reich [6.15] 6.16 Up in Smoke [6.16] 6.17 I Like to Watch [6.17] 6.18 The Unusual Suspect [6.18] 6.19 Spellbound [6.19] 6.20 Poppin' Tags [6.20] 6.21 Rashomama [6.21] 6.22 Time of Your Death [6.22] 6.23 Bang-Bang [6.23] 6.24 Way to Go [6.24] 7 Season 7 7.1 Built to Kill: Part 1 [7.1] 7.2 Built to Kill: Part 2 [7.2] 7.3 Toe Tags [7.3] 7.4 Fannysmackin' [7.4] 7.5 Double Cross [7.5] 7.6 Burn Out [7.6] 7.7 Post Mortem [7.7] 7.8 Happenstance [7.8] 7.9 Living Legend [7.9] 7.10 Loco Motives [7.10] 7.11 Leaving Las Vegas [7.11] 7.12 Sweet Jane [7.12] 7.13 Redrum [7.13] 7.14 Meet Market [7.14] 7.15 Law of Gravity [7.15] 7.16 Monster in the Box [7.16] 7.17 Fallen Idols [7.17] 7.18 Empty Eyes [7.18] 7.19 Big Shots [7.19] 7.20 Lab Rats [7.20] 7.21 Ending Happy [7.21] 7.22 Leapin' Lizards [7.22] 7.23 The Good, the Bad and the Dominatrix [7.23] 7.24 Living Doll [7.24] 8 Season 8 8.1 Dead Doll [8.1] 8.2 A La Cart [8.2] 8.3 Go To Hell [8.3] 8.4 The Case of the Cross-Dressing Carp [8.4] 8.5 The Chick Chop Flick Shop [8.5] 8.6 Who and What [8.6] 8.7 Goodbye And Good Luck [8.7] 8.8 You Kill Me [8.8] 8.9 Cockroaches [8.9] 8.10 Lying Down With Dogs [8.10] 8.11 Bull [8.11] 8.12 Grissom's Divine Comedy [8.12] 8.13 A Thousand Days On Earth [8.13] 8.14 Drops' Out [8.14] 8.15 The Theory Of Everything [8.15] 8.16 Two and a Half Deaths [8.16] 8.17 For Gedda [8.17] 9 Season 9 9.1 For Warrick [9.1] 9.2 The Happy Place [9.2] 9.3 Art Imitates Life [9.3] 9.4 Let It Bleed [9.4] 9.5 Leave Out All The Rest [9.5] 9.6 Say Uncle [9.6] 9.7 Woulda, Coulda, Shoulda [9.7] 9.8 Young Man With A Horn [9.8] 9.9 19 Down [9.9] 9.10 One To Go [9.10] 9.11 The Grave Shift [9.11] 9.12 Disarmed And Dangerous [9.12] 9.13 Deep-Fried and Minty-Fresh [9.13] 9.14 Miscarriage Of Justice [9.14] 9.15 Kill Me If You Can [9.15] 9.16 Turn, Turn, Turn [9.16] 9.17 No Way Out [9.17] 9.18 Mascara [9.18] 9.19 The Descent Of Man [9.19] 9.20 A Space Oddity [9.20] 9.21 If I Had A Hammer....[9.21] 9.22 The Gone-Dead Train [9.22] 9.23 Hog Heaven [9.23] 9.24 All In [9.24] 10 Season 10 10.1 Family Affair [10.1] 10.2 Ghost Town [10.2] 10.3 Working Stiffs [10.3] 10.4 Coup de Grace [10.4] 10.5 Blood Sport [10.5] 10.6 Death And The Maiden [10.6] 10.7 The Lost Girl [10.7] 10.8 The Lost Girls [10.8] 10.9 Lovers' Lane [10.9] 10.10 [10.10] 10.11 [10.11] 10.12 [10.12] 11 Cast 12 External links

[edit] Season 1

[edit] Pilot [1.1]

Catherine: What do you think?

Warrick: Oh, he's lying. That's why I took this job. I can always tell when Whitey's talking out his ass. It's a gift.

---

Brass: I think every new hire should experience an autopsy on their first night.

---

Grissom: Morning. Gil Grissom, forensics. I'm taking over the case for Warrick Brown. Mind if I come in?

Husband: [sighs] How can I help you?

Grissom: I need to give you a pedicure.

Husband: Come again?

---

Grissom: If latex rubber and cooking spray went on a blind date, how would the night end?

Charlotte: A lot better than ours did.

Grissom: I know, Pink Floyd's not your thing.

Charlotte: I have on cowboy boots. I work in a lab. What makes you think "Dark Side of the Moon" synched to the Wizard of Oz is going to warm my damn barn?

Grissom: I just thought it'd be something different.

Charlotte: You want to be different? Pin me up against a wall; lay one on me like you mean it.

[Charlotte gets up and walks past Grissom.]

Charlotte: You're slacking, pal.

[She sits down in front of the computer database. The computer beeps and starts running through print comparisons.]

Grissom: How long till we get a hit?

Charlotte: It could be four minutes, could be four days but you can bet your ass she'll give you something. She always does.

Grissom: "Pin you against a wall?"

[Grissom casts Charlotte a sideways glance.]

---

Royce Harmon: [Recorded] My name is Royce Harmon. I reside at 7642 Carpenter Street, Las Vegas, Nevada. I am 41 years of age ... and I'm going to kill myself.

---

Catherine: [explaining the job to Holly, the new girl] We restore peace of mind. And when you're a victim, that's everything. Stick it out. At least until you solve your first. And after that, if you don't feel like King Kong on cocaine, then you can quit. But if you stay, with my right hand to God, you will never regret it.

---

Sgt. O'Riley: [Describing Brass and Grissom] Here comes the "nerd squad".

---

Greg: I've got to warn you, oral swabs don't always read right. Vaginal swabs? No problem. Anal swabs? Money.

Nick: Anal swabs?

Greg: Anal swabs.

---

Grissom: [yelling at Warrick] We solve these cases regardless of race, color, creed, or bubblegum flavor!

---

Grissom: I need you to roll up your sleeve and give me a pint of your blood

Holly: What for?

Grissom: It's customary for all new hires.

Holly: Why?

Grissom: So many reasons...

[some time later] [Grissom is undertaking a blood spatter reconstruction using real blood]

Warrick: Where'd you get the blood?

Grissom: The new girl. Want to donate?

Warrick: Hell no.

---

[Holly Gribbs is observing her first autopsy]

Grissom: You gotta breathe through your ears, Gribbs.

---

[To a room full of 'corpses', after Holly Gribbs was frightened into hysterics]

Grissom: You assholes!

[edit] Cool Change [1.2]

---

Nick: How do you know all this crap?

Grissom: It's our job to know stuff.

---

Grissom: Yes, yes, Norman pushed. Norman jumped. Norman fell.

Sara: Wouldn't you, if you were married to Mrs. Roper?

Grissom:I don't even have to turn around. Sara Sidle.

Sara: That's me. Still tossin' simulation dummies? There are other ways to tell, you know.

Grissom: No thanks. I'm a scientist. I like to see it. Newton dropped the apple. I drop dummies.

Sara: You're old school.

Grissom: Exactly. And this guy was pushed.

Sara: How's the girl?

Grissom: She's still in surgery. She's not doing very well.

Sara: That's too bad.

Grissom: God, Sara, I have so many unanswered whys.

Sara: There's only one why that matters now, why did Warrick Brown leave the scene?

---

Sara: Do you know where I can find Catherine Willows?

Catherine: She's out in the field. Let me guess, Sara Sidle?

Sara: I know who I am, I think you're a little confused.

Catherine: If you think you're taking my case, Forget it.

Sara: Ok, we can stay here and argue or we can get out there and find who did this to Holly Gribbs. Two sharp woman are better than one..

---

Grissom: [Laughing] Jacks or better. You're under arrest.

Suspect: Oh, yeah? What for?

Grissom: First-degree murder.

Suspect: Oh. On what grounds?

Grissom: [Looking at suspect's boots] Roof dust.

---

Catherine dials the number on the pager:

Sara: What are you gonna say? Hi, I'm a criminalist, I was in the neighborhood...

Catherine: Shhhhh....it's ringing.

Suspect: Hello.

Catherine: Ah, hey.

Suspect: Hey, who's this? I just dialed my own damn beeper.

Catherine: Uh-uh, it's my beeper now, I found it.

Suspect: That ain't your beeper, girl, it's mine, I do a lot of business on that beeper.

Catherine: What kind of business?

Suspect: You know, slinging a little something-something.

Catherine: Oh, a little something-something, or maybe a little bling-bling?

Suspect: Ah, so what you know about some bling-bling?

Catherine: Well invite me over to your crib, baby, and you might find out.

Suspect: Three Aces Motel, room 202

Catherine: Three Aces Motel, room 202, ahh, see you soon. *hangs up the phone*

Sara: ...

Catherine: Did I just do that?

Sara: What's a bling-bling?

Catherine: Got me.

[edit] Crate 'n Burial [1.3]

Sara: Get a picture of the security pad, someone touches it before it's dusted I break their fingers.

---

Sara: You're standing in my crime scene.

Nick: No, you're in mine.

Sara: You got audio, I wanted that.

Nick: I out rank you.

Sara: Technicality, who'd Grissom handpick to work here?

Nick: Keep telling yourself that.

---

Sara: Excuse me. Is my evaluation interrupting you?

Grissom: No, I barely heard you.

---

Grissom: People leave us clues, Nick. They speak to us in thousands of different ways. It's our job to make sure we've tried to hear every single thing they've said.

---

Nick: Yeah, but I got her a chem set.

Sara: You keep that; might learn something.

Nick: Stop flirting with me.

---

Sara: Hey Grissom! Would you come tape me up?

Grissom: I love my work.

Catherine: It shows.

[edit] Pledging Mr. Johnson [1.4]

Nick: I can't believe I used to live in a place like this.

Sara: And here I had all this respect for you.

---

[After finding out the drowned woman had fried calamari before she died]

Catherine: Now tell me, why are we here?

Grissom: 'Cuz it's the only place within ten miles of Calville Bay that serves calamari.

Catherine: And you know this because...?

Grissom: I come here for calamari.

Catherine: Oh. Alone?

Grissom: No. Sometimes I have a beer with it.

---

Grissom: [to Catherine after finding a severed leg] Well Watson, the game's afoot.

---

Dr.Robbins: The leg was severed post-mortem.

Catherine: Well, that's good news.

Dr.Robbins: How do you figure?

Catherine: Would you want to be alive while your leg's being cut off?

---

Sara: [to Warrick]: Fine suit.

[Warrick and Nick turn around to find Sara in the locker room]

Sara: [to Nick] And well, just fine.

Nick: That's harassment.

Sara: Hey, we have one locker room and it's my job to be observant.

---

Greg: What's Grissom doing?

Warrick: He's trying to find a missing boat.

Greg: And let me guess, Catherine got bored?

Warrick: Well you know Grissom, the shortest distance between two points is science. For Catherine, it's pounding the pavement.

---

Catherine: No. No way, use your own hand.

Grissom: Come on, Catherine, my hand's too big.

Catherine: No!

Grissom: It's the only way we can print her. Her skin on your hand should fit like a leather glove.

Grissom: May I take your hand?

---

Grissom: You just compromised our investigation.

Catherine: He deserved to know the truth.

Grissom: Knowing how she died, yes. Knowing that she had an affair -- how does that bring closure?

Catherine: I guess you just have to be on the wrong end of an affair to understand.

Grissom: You can't make this about Eddie. Look, you hurt our case because your ex hurt you.

Catherine: We bring ourselves to our cases. We can't help it. I knew how Barger felt. Would you just relax? I didn't give him chapter and verse.

Grissom: You can't give him anything, Catherine. We're scientists. We're not psychiatrists or victims' rights advocates.

Catherine: You're right, you know. I should be just like you. Alone in my hermetically sealed condo watching discovery on the big screen working genius- level crossword puzzles, but no relationships. No chance any will slop over into a case. Right. I want to be just like you.

Grissom: Technically, it's a townhouse. And the crosswords are advanced, not genius. But you're right. I'm deficient in a lot of ways. But I never screw up one of my cases with personal stuff.

Catherine: Grissom ... what personal stuff?

---

Grissom: Look ... could we have a truce?

Catherine: I would love to.

Grissom: Good.

Grissom: But let me do all the talking to the husband and the boyfriend.

Catherine: He had to say it.

[edit] Friends and Lovers [1.5]

Nick: Blood's like my grandfather. Never lies.

---

Warrick: Don't take it personally miss, but he's [Grissom] kind of married to his job.

---

Grissom: There are three kinds of people I hate. Men who hit their wives, sexual assault on children, and the scum who deal death to kids.

---

Grissom: Teenage wasteland! (Referencing The Who's hit song, "Baba O'Riley")

Warrick: Who?

Grissom: Yeah!

[edit] Who Are You? [1.6]

Evans: [Pointing to an exotic dancer on stage] You dressed like that?

Catherine: If you want to call it dressed.

---

(Nick and Grissom discover a skeleton in the wall of a house)

Nick: Ten bucks says the owner sells the house.

Grissom: By law you've got to disclose everything. Three bedrooms, two baths, and a skeleton.

---

[Eddie, Catherine's ex is accused of rape]

Grissom: What's the status?

Catherine: Skin samples from under the women's fingernails are consistent with Ed's. I saw some bruises. But Eddie's style has always been very... involved. Vigorous.

Grissom: ...Vigorous.

Warrick: She's trying to tell you Eddie likes it rough.

Catherine: Thank you, Warrick.

[edit] Blood Drops [1.7]

Grissom: [quoting Shakespeare] Yet who would've thought the old man could have so much blood in him?

---

Sara: [talking about Brenda, a 6 year old girl] Going back to the girl. I left her in the car.

[Grissom and Catherine stare at her blankly]

Sara: The windows are cracked... Give me a little credit. She's at the hospital!

[edit] Anonymous [1.8]

Brass: Oh, you're gonna love this. [opens bathroom door] Ring any bells? Rub-a-dub-dub, dead man in the tub.

---

Grissom: What happened?

Brass: You tell me Carnac.

---

Brass: Quincy wants to be alone.

Uniformed Cop: Why does he want to be alone?

Brass: He wants to get his mojo working.

---

Grissom: Life's like holding a dove. You hold it too hard...

Catherine: ... you kill it.

Grissom: Hold it too soft...

Sara: ... and it'll fly away.

---

Grissom: We're going off the board, tonight.

Sara: Off the board?

Catherine: The ones that got away. [Gestures to the fish shaped bulletin board] Fish.

Sara: Oh. I missed that one.

---

Nick: You look a little tired. Want me to give you a bottle, make you go night night?

Warrick: Want me to clack that jaw and make you go night night?

---

Warrick: There's other questions to answer first.

Nick: Like what?

Warrick: Footprints and tire treads.

Nick: I hate you.

Warrick: You love me. Who are you kidding?

---

Greg: So, what's the pool up to?

Nick: We don't bet on cases.

Greg: Ah, of course you don't...So who's winning?

Nick and Warrick: I am.

Greg: Fiends.

[edit] Unfriendly Skies [1.9]

Grissom: So, dead guy in first class?

Brass: Las Vegas Air, I always heard it was a good time.

---

Grissom: I want this whole plane taped off ... nose to tail and wing to wing.

Brass: Oh, it's going to take a lot of tape.

Grissom: I've got a dead body, a crime scene with wings. Something very wrong happened in this plane.

---

Sara: I take it that's not blood.

Grissom: No but there's protein in it.

Sara: Oh, the Mile High Club. That means that 2 passengers may have had no idea what was going on inside that cabin.

Grissom: You know high altitude enhances the whole sexual experience, increases the euphoria.

Sara: Well, it's good...I don't know if it's that good. Cite your source.

Grissom: Hand me a swab please.

Sara: You're avoiding the question, "enhances sexual experience, increases euphoria" cite your source.

Grissom: A magazine.

Sara: What magazine?

Grissom: Applied psycho dynamics in forensic science.

Sara: Never heard of it.

Grissom: I'll get you a subscription. Now cite your source.

Sara: Oh, now you want to go down that route?

Grissom: Yeah.

Sara: Nah, never mind.

Grissom: You started it.

Sara: Delta airlines, flight 1109, Boston- Miami, March 93, Ken Fuller, hazel eyes, organic chem lab TABMOC, overrated, in every aspect. Could we get back to work please?

Grissom: Yeah, I think due to your first hand knowledge and experience in airplane bathrooms, you should do the swab.

Sara: Fine.

---

Grissom: Well, in this case we're going to recreate the flight from ... 1630 hours on. [points to Brass] You are in 4B.

Brass: Lou.

Catherine: Lou -- the angry businessman. How about that?

Sara: I want to be Shannon. Good.

Warrick: The stewardess.

Sara: Excuse me -- it's "Flight Attendant".

Grissom: Catherine-- the doctor, 3E.

Catherine: Single mom. What an imagination you have.

Grissom: [points to Nick and Warrick] Max and Marlene, 2E and F. You two are married. Who wants to wear the pants?

Nick: CSI-3 seniority, "sweetie".

Warrick: Yeah, whatever. You're henpecked anyway.

Sara: [To Grissom] Let me guess -- you're the computer geek.

Grissom: In the interest of clarity, yes. Nate in 2C.

---

Grissom: A, B, C, D or all of the above. Standoff with the police -- guy gets shot in the chest, runs back into his burning house inhaling smoke as he goes. The roof collapses the air conditioning unit falls on his head, he dies. What killed him?

---

Nick: (to Warrick) Excuse me, buttercup.

---

Sara: Guys...If you jump a guy at the exit, he dies at the exit.

---

Grissom: If just one person had stopped and taken the time to look at the guy to listen to him, to figure out what was wrong with him it might not have happened. It took five people to kill him. It would have only taken one person to save his life.

[edit] Sex, Lies, and Larvae [1.10]

Grissom: No, Sara's gonna work with me. You've got a missing person, Sheryl Applegate. Her husband notified the police that she took the car and headed to LA, but she never showed up. A few hours ago, the PD found her car at the bus station. They requested a CSI.

Nick: She took the bus instead, case solved. [grins]

Grissom: Well, right now, treat her car like a crime scene. [tilts his head to the side] Go.

---

Grissom: You've still got to convince a jury.

Sara: On guns. It's got to be better than bugs. Less Latin.

---

Sara: You're the one who's always saying it's better to have one piece of forensic evidence than ten eyewitnesses.

Grissom: What, do you tape everything I say?

---

Scott Shelton: [after Sara discovers blood that has been wiped clean off the wall] I have no idea how it got there.

Sara: Oh... How it got there was when you shot your wife in the head, wrapped her in a blanket and left her on the side of a mountain. Dead!

[points her finger in his face]

Scott Shelton: Get that finger out of my face bitch!

[they fight]

Brass: Stop! That's enough! [to Grissom] Get her under control!

Grissom: Get him out of here, Jim!

Scott Shelton: Told you she was a handful.

Sara: Oh, you don't know a handful!

Grissom: Hey, Sara, what's the matter with you?

Sara: I am a woman, and I have a gun and look how he treated me! I can only imagine how he treated his wife!

---

Grissom: You have empathy for her, Sara. You want someone to pay for what was done to her. That's normal.

Sara: You want to sleep with me?

Grissom: Did you just say what I think you did?

Sara: That way, when I wake up in cold sweat under the blanket, hearing Kaye's screams ... You can tell me it's nothing. It's just empathy.

---

Brass: So it took longer for the insects to get in there?

Grissom: And deposit their eggs. Maybe two whole days. I've wrapped porky here pretty tight.

---

Brass: Wouldn't a rabbit be easier?

Grissom: Gotta be a pig. Interestingly, they're the most like humans.

Brass: Yeah, I've been saying that since I was a rookie. You're on your own, pal.

---

Grissom: The worms crawl in, the worms crawl out, the worms play pinochle on your snout.

[edit] I-15 Murders [1.11]

Brass: Well if it isn't the boss himself. Where's your E-Street Band?

Grissom: They had another gig.

---

Grissom: How's your old job?

Jim Brass: I can sling scum all day long. And you?

Grissom: I curse more.

---

Grissom: What you do on your time is your buisness, what you do on my time is my buisness.

---

Grissom: [Referring to a frozen heart] It looks like the planet Krypton.

---

Catherine: You know how you're always pushing that Holy Trinity stuff?

Grissom: Father, Son and Holy Ghost?

Catherine: Victim, suspect and crime scene.

Grissom: Oh, that one.

---

Grissom: She says she's a friend of yours

Catherine: Ex-girlfriend, Nick?

Nick: Depends, was she the assaulter or the assaultee?

Sara: You tell us, you like leather or lace?

Nick: No, I'm not even going there. [later] Lace!

[edit] Fahrenheit 932 [1.12]

Jail Inmate: Yo Grissom! [hits the inmate next to him] This guy is the reason I'm in here. A shoe print! [to Grissom] Yo next time I go barefoot!

Grissom: Even better, footprints.

[edit] Boom [1.13]

Brass: There's been another fourth of July.

---

Sara: He's been out of work ever since.

Grissom: Sittin' around makin' bombs..

---

Catherine: Oh, these fire guys really know how to trash a crime scene.

Grissom: That's what they do. Put wet stuff on the red stuff.

---

Warrick: *sigh* So what are you guys up to?

Sara: We're off to blow up some bombs

Warrick: Oh i definitely got the wrong end of this case!

Grissom: [Playing off Shakespeare's Hamlet] Alas, poor Warrick!

[edit] To Halve and to Hold [1.14]

Teri Miller: It's kind of like that old saying: 'How a person does one thing is...

Grissom:... how a person does everything.'

---

[Grissom is licking rocks to see if they're bones]

Grissom: Could be a piece of wrist bone.

Catherine: Well, do you want to suck on it? To be sure?

---

Sara: [Referring to a victim's vagina] It DOES tell a monologue.

[edit] Table Stakes [1.15]

Catherine: [To Grissom, who is staring in awe at a group of showgirls who pass by] Close your mouth.

---

[Warrick is unhappy about Catherine assigning him to a different case]

Catherine: 419 at The Sphere, glass elevator. You're on it.

Warrick: This is a big case. I'm in a groove here.

Catherine: Well, groove on down to the Strip.

Warrick: Whatever happened to "You cross the tape, you go the distance"?

Catherine: I was probably saying that to get you to service my needs at the time.

---

Catherine: You want to take that thing off your head, Greg? It's evidence.

Greg: Cool your jets, Cath. I already got all the evidence out of it. Now, it's all woman. Did you ever wear one of these when you were dancing?

Catherine: I wore nothing but skin.

Greg: Ooh.

[edit] Too Tough to Die [1.16]

Grissom: If you try and chase two rabbits you end up losing them both.

---

Grissom: Every day we meet people on the worst day of their lives.

---

Sara: I wish I were like you, I wish I didn't feel anything.

---

Sara: [To Grissom] What type of system rewards the killer, when the victim is too tough to die?

---

Grissom:What do you do for fun?

Sara:I chase rabbits...

---

Sara: I don't like anything ... I read crime books and I listen to my scanner.

---

Eddie: ...By taking our daughter to dinner.

Catherine: Get over here.

Eddie: Come on, what? What?

Catherine: Just so pathetic.

Eddie: What?

Catherine: Just so pathetic.

Eddie: Watch it, Cath.

Catherine: Sucking up to our daughter 'cause I caught you robbing me.

Eddie: The only thing I ever robbed you of was good sex.

Catherine: No sex is worth you and you are not taking my daughter to a club with one of your music whores.

Eddie: Oh they are whores? When I met you, you were taking your clothes off in a strip club.

Catherine: It was a job Ed and it supported you just like every job I had, including this one.

Eddie: And who paid you to close up your nose?

---

Grissom: Let's go for her.

Grissom: Catherine?

Catherine: Just keep him out of here.

Grissom: [to Eddie] I don't wanna ever see you in this building again. This is our place of business, you understand?

Eddie: I always knew you two had a thing.

Grissom: Go home Eddie.

Eddie: Sure.

[edit] Face Lift [1.17]

Grissom: I think our robbery suspect just became our homicide victim

Catherine: Well that's one way to avoid the rap.

---

Grissom: I have a question

Teri: Ok?

Grissom: Since I screwed up our last date, would we ever have dinner again?

Teri: Oh we'll have dinner... just not together.

---

Sara: Interesting voicemail you left me

Warrick: What's that?

Sara: Meet me behind CSI and bring a night gown? I'll wear it for you but uh, I prefer pajamas.

---

Grissom: I hear that Greg found uranium on the swab from Felton's skull.

Nick: Yeah. He says I'm okay, but you know Greg. Tell me, am I radiating a green glow?

[edit] $35K O.B.O. [1.18]

Nick: Pulled a couple of hairs off of our male stabbing vic.

Greg: Okay. Baby. Uh-huh.

Nick: What?

Greg: Nine lives.

Nick: Cat hair?

Greg: Meow.

---

Nick: Hey, Greg.

Greg: Shh. I might be looking at the mother of my children here.

Nick: Somebody's been putting in way too much overtime.

Greg: No, this is serious. I had a date last night. And this girl has the most impossible green eyes. Just, BAM. Shoulder-length blonde hair, intelligent. And she smells so good.

Nick: Cute toes?

Greg: Oh, ideal. And none longer than the big toe. Both feet. But you know I need to know what is on the inside.

Nick: What's in her heart?

Greg: No, her DNA. This girl has got some fine epithelials.

Nick: Dude, you're sick. Man, you have officially lost it.

Greg: There's a guy in Louisville, he charges 300 clams to test your spouse's underwear for foreign DNA. Now that guy is sick. I'm just a romantic.

Nick: Whatever happened to getting to know someone over coffee? Letting the relationship evolve. Romantic is sending flowers, not bogarting her skin cells.

Greg: Oh that's boring.

---

Grissom: You know what they say about looks.

Brass: They can be deceiving?

Grissom: They can kill.

---

Grissom: [Looking at beetle found at crime scene.] Can I keep him?

[edit] Gentle, Gentle [1.19]

Warrick: I'm all over it like a cheap suit. (edit)

---

Grissom: Have you let anyone else touch this note? Police, a relative, anyone?

Dad: No, just us. Why?

Grissom: Well, because the person who touched it before you has your son, and he's just left us the first piece of the puzzle.

---

Catherine: A guy cheats, but the wife commits murder. How come moms always end up the bad guy with you Freud types?

---

Brass: Geez. Haven't these people ever heard of divorce?

---

Sara: You told me a few weeks ago that nothing is personal. No victim should be special. Everyone follows your lead.

Grissom: Everyone didn't find that baby. I did. And that little boy is dead because someone lost their temper or screwed up, or god knows what. So, excuse me, but this victim is special.

---

[After getting punched in the head by a papprazzi]

Catherine: [Hands him an ice pack] Ice.

Grissom: I don't need this.

Catherine: Just do it.

[Grissom holds the ice pack on his head]

---

Catherine: You're an average family, burdened with a tragedy that put you under a microscope. That close, nobody can look good.

[edit] Sounds of Silence [1.20]

[Grissom walks in with Dr. Gilbert, the female president of the School for the Deaf]

Sara: So that's why Grissom's late.

Warrick: You just don't like other women in his life.

Sara: I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that.

---

[Grissom wouldn't tell them how he learned sign language]

Sara: [coming into the room] What was that all about? Grissom signs?

Warrick: What does Grissom drink when he goes out at night?

Sara: He goes out?

Warrick: Exactly. Who knows anything about that guy?

---

Greg: I am the man.

Warrick: Why, what'd you do? Let me guess, you ran a DNA profile on the blood from the dead guy's knuckles and you got a match?

Greg: No.

Grissom: You ran a DNA profile and something very distinctive popped up?

Greg: Not quite.

Warrick: You made it out of bed and you dressed yourself?

Greg: ...no.

[edit] Justice is Served [1.21]

[Catherine and Sara have just seized a carnival as evidence and Sara is grinning madly]

Catherine: [annoyed] What?

Sara: Well, this is fun.

Catherine: As opposed to...?

Sara: A more scientific approach.

---

Dr. Hillridge: [to Grissom] I guess one man's corpse is another man's candy. Care for a sip? Full of folacin.

---

Dr. Hillridge: You want an empirical experience...I've got a fresh one [protein powder shake made from human organs] in my fridge.

[Grissom looks away. An officer leads Dr. Hillridge away]

Officer: She is nuts, right?

Grissom: She's a cold blooded killer.

[edit] Evaluation Day [1.22]

Grissom: [Looking at detached head] It means 6 - 8 hours ago someone lost their head and then... someone lost their head.

---

Warrick: [Sitting in a rollercoaster seat] Whatever happened to my evaluation?

Grissom: You're sitting in it!

---

[Grissom and Catherine are examining a head]

Grissom: Do you think a woman could've done this?

Catherine: I could.

[Grissom glances at her, then back to the head]

Grissom: Scared of you...

[edit] The Strip Strangler [1.23]

Grissom: The last time a security guard tried to help me, he ended up dead.

---

Grissom: Repeat after me, Silk silk silk.

Nick: Silk silk silk.

Grissom: Now what do cows drink?

Nick: Milk.

Grissom: They drink water. They produce milk.

---

Nick: Catherine. say, "Silk silk silk"

Catherine: Silk silk silk.

Nick: Now what do cows drink?

Catherine: Water.

Nick: Never mind.

---

Catherine: Never doubt and never look back. That's how I live my life.

Grissom: I admire that.

[edit] Season 2

[edit] Burked [2.1]

Warrick: Black tar heroin. This is the difference between a Cadillac and a Pinto.

Brass: How would you know?

Warrick: It's my job. I count at least six balloons, and that's just in the bedroom. The dealer must have come down the chimney. It's like Christmas in July here. Not that Braun even needed any more drugs.

Brass: Yeah, looks like the guy had a pill for everything. Can you get a print off those balloons?

Warrick: I can get a print off the air.

---

Janine Haywood: I told you I dropped them down the bathroom sink.

Brass: First time I heard that.

Janine Haywood: Look, I took two, gave Tony two and I accidentally dropped fifteen or twenty down the sink. It was an accident. You know, an accident? Haven't you ever spilled a drink?

Catherine: Not lately. We found fifty Xanax in Tony's stomach.

Janine Haywood: Don't pin that on me. I'd left.

Catherine: I'll tell you what you left -- your fingerprints all over the prescription bottle.

Janine Haywood: I went to the pharmacy waited in line picked up the prescription signed for it brought it back to the house. You know, Tony did nothing for himself except work and get high.

Brass: Got you a brand-new Mercedes, didn't it?

Janine Haywood: Yes, it did. And it'll buy me the dress I wear at Tony's funeral, too.

Brass: Look, when you left your half a house where did you go?

Janine Haywood: A friend's.

Brass: Well, let's get her on the line.

Janine Haywood: She's out of town.

Brass: Let me guess -- she's incommunicado.

Janine Haywood: That means you can't reach her? Yeah.

---

Grissom: In the last 48 hours have you been anywhere else besides those two places?

Walt Braun: No. My life's pretty routine.

Grissom: It might just get a little more routine.

---

Catherine: [to Grissom] Is this part of the Sherlock Holmes Fan Club Kit?

---

Grissom: It's been 24 minutes, Greg. When is this thing going to be done?

Greg: Well, with all due respect sir, it's not a baked potato. Did I ever tell you I used to live in New York?

Grissom: Is this going to be a short story or a novel?

[The mass spectrometer beeps and gives out the test results]

Greg: Excuse me. You know, heroin has a nine-minute half-life. After that, it metabolizes into morphine.

Grissom: What's the 6-MAM count?

Greg: A hundred fifty-eight nanograms per mil. Definitely not lethal. The same with your Xanax. Quarter-mil tabs, hundred micrograms per liter. Again, not lethal. There's addicts walking around Times Square with more drugs in their system.

Grissom: So Braun should still be walking around.

[Grissom turns to leave but stops]

Grissom: ...and the point of your New York story was...?

Greg: Oh, I was just going to tell you about another way to take heroin.. a suppository up the coolee. You just stand on your head, and then you let gravity...forget it!

---

Greg: Oh, is that alcohol on a bug bite? That's like butter on burns, man. Wives' tale.

Nick: Yeah, this is the guy who told me to put hemorrhoid cream on my acne.

Greg: Worked, didn't it?

---

Sam Braun: I remember the first time I saw you. You didn't have any clothes on.

Catherine: Yeah, well, that was a long time ago.

Sam Braun: I would've taken you home right then if I could have.

Catherine: I know, but you were married and I was a baby. It would've never worked!

---

Catherine: Who is this?

Brass: It's Braun's squeeze. She's an ex-stripper too. Perhaps you two met in a professional capacity.

Catherine: And, uh, where has she been the past 12 hours?

Brass: Uh, let's see. [he pulls out his notebook] Quote: "Out." Endquote.

---

Brass: [to a suspect] Newsflash, sweetheart. You can't make a deal if you keep your mouth shut.

---

Grissom: Would you mind if I took a picture for my bite collection?

Walt Braun: Whatever rubs your Buddha.

---

Grissom: Did you try this coffee?

Nick: Mm-mm.

Grissom: The last cup I had tasted like motor oil.

[Greg runs in]

Greg: Oh, don't touch it. That's my pot!

Grissom: Your pot?

Greg: Yeah, you know, from my own private stash. Blue Hawaiian -- $40 a pound. Only grown a couple times a year on the Big Island hand-picked to perfection.

Grissom: Good. You're using my water so I guess that makes it community coffee.

[edit] Chaos Theory [2.2]

Greg: Well, this is one way to get her DNA. Bring me her whole life.

Sara: It's called zeal, Greg.

Greg: Or overkill.

Grissom: It's called protocol. Let's get on with it.

---

Grissom: Friedrich Miescher requests my presence?

Greg: Figured out my code huh? Well you know my boy, Freddie, discovered DNA.

Grissom: He's been dead a hundred years, Greg.

---

Henry McFadden: Paige and I dated once or twice. She wasn't my type. If you haven't noticed... I'm in the system now. The talent pool's pretty deep.

Nick: She dumped you!

---

Grissom: We told them what happened.

Catherine: Yeah. But we didn't give them what they needed... closure.

Grissom: Truth brings closure.

Catherine: Not always.

---

Catherine: No one can predict more than a few seconds into the future.

Nick: I predict I'll still be standing here one minute from now.

Warrick: Where are we going with this?

Grissom: Paige was in her dorm room and then ended up in the dumpster. Somewhere between her dorm room and the dumpster is our answer. That's where we're going. Coming, Nick?

Warrick: [to Nick] Nice try, Nostradamus.

---

Warrick: Where you been?

Grissom: I can't be everywhere, Warrick and they've banned human cloning.

---

Grissom: [To Greg] Are we paying you by the word?

---

Grissom: You showered.

Catherine: Thanks for noticing Gil, you're very observant.

Grissom: [studying a surveillance tape and inadvertently blocking Catherine's view]) Yeah? Well ... I can't tell what I'm observing here. What does that look like?

Catherine: A five-foot-eleven workaholic.

---

Nick: You know, it's easier to get a master's degree than a parking spot on campus.

---

Sara: Five Hundred Dollars. That's huge money at her age if you actually get it. That's a big college racket, like buying books back.

Grissom: Why would anyone want to sell their books?

---

Grissom: People don't vanish, Jim. It's a molecular impossibility.

[edit] Overload [2.3]

Grissom: Man versus Gravity. Man lost.

---

Grissom: Suicide, huh? I don't know, Brian. On the day you decide to end your life, why would you go to work?

---

Sheriff: What happened to good old dusting for prints?

Grissom: When your crime scene is 12 stories up I don't want to take any chances.

---

Catherine: Naked kid under a blanket at his shrink's late at night and his mother's there.

Greg: Your case just entered a whole new dimension of weird.

---

Grissom: Hey, is that from the deli?

Sara: Egg salad sandwich. You want half?

Grissom: No. Can I have your pickle?

Sara: You can have it.

Grissom: Oh, that's a nice one.

---

Grissom: [after he lights up the pickle] You know this is how I cooked my hot dogs in college.

---

Sara: You turned my pickle into a lightbulb!

---

Sara: We quit before we should have.

Grissom: Yeah, you did.

---

Greg: FYI, 30 swabs in six hours is not realistic even for me.

---

Catherine: You're racing me Nick. We're driving the same car.

---

Sheriff: Actions have consequences, Gil, even yours.

---

Warrick: [To Grissom] So you just proved murder.

Greg: I wouldn't break out that champagne just yet. Don't go shooting the messenger. Thumb print from the nail.

---

Catherine: What's the matter with you?

Nick: I'm on a case.

Catherine: We're on a case.

Nick: Right...

---

Warrick: You want his blood?

Grissom: One pint. To go.

---

Greg: I think I smell something burning in the DNA lab. I'd love to stay and chat...

Grissom: Greg, that better not be the crossword puzzle.

---

Greg: Cheese, milk, sweaters. What do these things have in common?

Catherine: Goat cheese, goat milk.

Nick: Goat sweaters?

Catherine: Angora.

Greg: Ding, ding, ding.

---

Sheriff: [about Grissom talking to Brass] What was that about?

Grissom: Ah, we're in a bowling league together.

---

Warrick: Robert Harris. Does that name mean anything?

Grissom: Yeah, especially if you bet against me.

---

Warrick: Bobby Dawson's taking odds. 2:1 Grissom's wrong, 5:1 he gets suspended for shutting down the jail house, 10:...

Sara: Fired?

---

Grissom: [To the Sheriff] You look like the Sheriff, but you talk like the Mayor.

[edit] Bully for You [2.4]

Brass: Who said the shooter was scared?

Grissom: Shot him in the back.

Brass: With his zipper down and his hands otherwise engaged.

Grissom: Yeah. We're looking for a coward.

---

Greg: You smell like death.

Sara: I've heard.

Greg: You know ... a real man wouldn't mind.

---

Warrick: Hey Sara what were you in high school?

Sara: Science Nerd.

Nick: You changed, you still smell.

[edit] Scuba Doobie-Doo [2.5]

Sara:: What's your pulse at now?

Catherine: Hey, I just talked to your partner. Working this case without me, huh?

Nick: Hmm?

Catherine: Greg Sanders?

Nick: Leggo my Greggo. He's a CSI wannabe. Please.

[edit] Alter Boys [2.6]

David: I hate when you CSI guys get territorial.

Catherine: Yeah well the victim's family hate it when we don't.

---

Grissom: We both have jobs that begin after the crime.

Father Powell: After the sin.

Grissom: Some people would call that a career in futility.

Father Powell: Some people call it a vocation.

---

Father Powell: You don't believe?

Grissom: In religion. I believe in God, in science, in Sunday supper. I don't believe in rules that tell me how I should live.

Father Powell: Even if they're handed down by God?

Grissom: How many crusades were fought in the name of God? How many people died because of someone's religion?

Father Powell: Fanaticism, not religion.

Grissom: Semantics. They're still dead.

---

Father Powell: He needs spiritual guidance.

[Grissom looks at the suspect, then looks at the dead body]

Grissom: Yeah, I imagine he does.

Father Powell: Ah. Then you'd have no problem with my talking to him.

Grissom: It's the 11th hour. I wouldn't expect anything less.

Father Powell: Eleventh hour?

Grissom: When the reality of their actions sets in, they usually turn to religion.

Father Powell: Can you think of a better time?

[edit] Caged [2.7]

Greg: Okay, now, this is a 66-kilodalton globular protein, composed of two disulfide-linked sub-units, A and B.

Nick: Very impressive.

Greg: And I know what you all think of me -- I'm just another pretty face who got to where I am by sleeping with Catherine.

---

Grissom: Aaron Pratt is a high-functioning autistic man with superior right brain abilities.

Nick: Kind of sounds like you.

---

Greg: Can I help it if I'm hip?

---

Dr. Robbins: I love this table.

---

[Sara is holding a dog she found at the crime scene]

Brass: That's not yours, is it?

Sara: I'm collecting evidence.

---

[Greg opens cupboard door and pulls book out]

Nick: Always thought you kept your porn in there.

Greg: I move it around.

[edit] Slaves of Las Vegas [2.8]

Sara: We want to know if you saw anything unusual last night?

Guy Handing Out Fliers: Unusual? I don't know what city you live in, but in Las Vegas "unusual" is what happens when you leave the house.

---

Lady Heather: It's just about knowing yourself, being strong and not taking any crap from powerful jerks who are used to giving it all day long.

---

Lady Heather: I can read anyone who walks through this door and know their desires. Sometimes even before they do.

---

Grissom: I'm that obvious, huh?

Lady Heather: Only because you try not to be.

---

Catherine: I just realized that you and I have a very healthy relationship.

Grissom: We do?

Catherine: When we have a problem, I don't paint Greg in latex and stick a straw up his nose.

Grissom: Good. He'd probably like it.

Catherine: You're supposed to say something revealing back to me.

Grissom: Okay. I never told anyone this, Catherine......

[screen fades to black]

[edit] And Then There Were None [2.9]

Grissom: Dressed as a woman among men dressed as women. Now, see? That's a disguise.

---

Grissom: A Harvard professor conducted an experiment. Asked a bunch of students to watch a basketball game - count the number of times the ball was passed.

Brass: Yeah? Groundbreaking.

Grissom: During the game a person dressed in a gorilla suit ran across the court. Afterward, the professor asked the students if they noticed the gorilla. Fifty percent responded, "what gorilla?"

Brass: That's wonderful, Gil. If I see a gorilla, I'll arrest it.

---

Catherine: Fluorescent powders?

Sara: Ye, why not, they're in the kit.

Catherine: Protocol's black.

Sara: Since when do you care about my choice of powders?

Catherine: Assistant coroner is four hours late and we are stuck out here until he transports the body and I haven't even heard from Grissom.

Sara: You know I've never tried green.

Catherine: I should never have been sent to this remote scene in the first place I've got seniority, I deserve no, I've earned the right to pick my cases.

[Sara hands her a candy bar]

Catherine: If I start eating I will shut up.

Sara: Do you have a mirror?

Catherine: Since when do you care about your appearance?... I mean at a crime scene.

Sara: It's not for me.

---

[edit] Ellie [2.10]

Grissom: Whoa. Careful. Livestock. [Holds up his jar of roaches] Hissing roaches from Madagascar.

Catherine: Sorry.

Grissom: These babies run two and a half miles an hour.

Catherine: I don't doubt that for a minute.

Grissom: Fifth annual entomological convention in Duluth. Cockroach racing finals.

[Grissom pushes the door to his office open and walks in. Catherine follows]

Catherine: You're roach racing.

Grissom: Actually, I'm giving a tutorial on preserving mass crime scenes. The sideshow is racing this guys.

Catherine: Ah.

Grissom: I mean, to have a chance to run against legendary roaches like Cocky Balboa, The Drain Lover, Priscilla, Queen of the Gutters. It's huge.

Catherine: What do you feed those guys?

Grissom: Dog food.

Catherine: And who's...supervising night shift?

Grissom: You are.

Catherine: Me? I am on the red-eye to Reno. The Braun Family is opening a new casino. I am Sam's date.

Grissom: That's tonight?

Catherine: I told you once, memo'd you twice. [she sighs. Grissom is distracted by the roaches in the container]

Grissom: Man, these guys are primed.

Catherine: [leaving]: Better get somebody.

---

Warrick: The job is fine. It's the other stuff -- the personalities.

Grissom: I love mankind, it's people I can't stand.

Warrick: Is that Einstein?

Grissom: Linus.

Warrick: Charlie Brown. Figures.

[edit] Organ Grinder [2.11]

Sara: The average American hotel room is covered with stains invisible to the naked eye.

Grissom: Yeah, but they're not all biological. Some are soda stains, food stains, whiskey stains, you know.

Sara: No matter how clean or expensive the room seems that why always travel with nonoxinol nine.

Grissom: You sound like you're making a commercial.

[edit] You've Got Male [2.12]

Nick: Sara?

Sara: Yeah?

Nick: You've got to get out more. (Turns and walks away)

Sara: (Shocked, she walks back down the hallway.)

[edit] Identity Crisis [2.13]

[Nick is examining a car]

Greg: Is this the car the guy was killed in?

[Nick is clearly startled]

Nick: He was killed in the warehouse. And don't sneak up on a person like that!

Greg: Now you know how I feel, like ten times a day.

[edit] The Finger [2.14]

Grissom: Okay, let's run this. Amanda was tired of being number two, so she calls up Mrs. Logan to discuss her affair with her husband. But Mrs. Logan doesn't just discuss it she throws down the gauntlet.

Catherine: Amanda broke the only rule. Don't call the missus.

Nick: Now he really has a problem.

Warrick: Two problems. His wife is going to leave him, take half his money and he was going to jail.

Sara: You got to admit, his solution was ingenious.

Grissom: Most killers take their time planning a murder. He took his time covering it up. Forty-eight hours to be precise. So Logan cleans up the crime scene and calls his lawyer. Asks him to help him with his little charade. I mean, what better way to protect your assets than to pay a kidnapper who's already on retainer?

Catherine: Everything from that point on was calculated.

Grissom: Blood on his hands...he's the last customer of the day at the bank. Acting suspiciously...

Catherine: ...driving recklessly.

Warrick: He knew he'd get hauled in to the cops.

Catherine: You bet your ass. He didn't leave those sunglasses behind by accident. His cell phone rang on cue. The call's for me. He practically forced that money into his lawyer's hands.

Grissom: Out of one pocket, into the other. I especially liked the little show he did for us in the coroner's lab. Trying to find out how much we knew.

Nick: Why make the map? Why lead Catherine to the body?

Grissom: Because without the body Logan would always be under suspicion.

Sara: If not by the police, by his wife.

Warrick: So, he left these wine glasses for you to find.

Catherine: Sure, we wanted us to suspect the wife. That's why he used her SUV to transport the body. And he let me mark the money because he knew that eventually his lawyer would touch it.

Sara: Why though? The money was in a suitcase.

Warrick: A million dollars. Pretty tempting.

Grissom: I saw the locker and I saw Logan's briefcase. It was too big to fit inside. His lawyer had to remove the cash by hand.

Sara: How could he possibly know that Catherine was going to mark the money?

Warrick: He didn't. He probably thought the bank marked it.

Nick: Besides, there's always fingerprints.

Catherine: So I did everything in my power to help him.

[edit] Burden of Proof [2.15]

[A bug crawls out of the man's shirt]

Catherine: Oh look, one of your friends.

Grissom: It's a carpet beetle, it shouldn't be here.

Catherine: Vic seem more like a hard-wood floor kinda guy to you?

---

[Sara and Cath are in the hallway walking into the breakroom]

Sara: Wow, you got to go to the body farm?

Catherine: Yeah.

Sara: I've always wanted to go there. What was it like?

Catherine: Quiet.

[Now in the breakroom]

Warrick: I hear Grissom goes there all the time. Like even on his nights off.

Nick: [Walking over to the fridge] Why does that not surprise me? [He opens the fridge and sighs] Man, something stinks in here again. [He grabs his lunch out of the fridge]

Sara: What, bad milk? Cottage-cheese bad?

Nick: Worse. It's all over my sandwich. Smell that. [He hands her his sandwich, she reacts to the smell. She then kneels down to look in the fridge and sees a container on the top shelf]

Sara: Yeah. He's got one of his experiments in there.

Nick: You're kidding me?

Catherine Blood or bugs?

Sara: It's not bugs.

Warrick: Oh, that's so not cool. That's a community fridge.

Nick: Man, someone has got to talk to Grissom about this.

Grissom: [Walking in]: Talk to me about what?

Nick: You leaving your experiments in our refrigerator.

Grissom: Well, the lab fridge was full. I put in last night.

Nick: Well...

Grissom: I'm going to test for horizontal motion on bloodstains. Vis-a-vis surface textures. [Nick looks annoyed. Catherine takes a sip of her coffee and discretely tries to ignore the smell. Grissom is clueless as he takes out the container of blood from the fridge and opens it] Hey, any of you guys got any linoleum at home? [Catherine catches a smell of the open container and this time, she discretely pinches her nose trying to avoid the smell. Sara is quiet]

Nick: [sits down still annoyed at being ignored] That blood is rank, man.

Grissom I know. That's why the Red Cross gives it to us 'cause it's past its expiration date. [Grissom puts it back in the fridge and talks to Catherine about the case a little then leaves]

Warrick: Way to go, Nick. You really told him.

Nick: I told him...he just didn't hear it.

[edit] Primum Non Nocere [2.16]

Catherine: Pucks, bucks and... chicks.

---

Sara: Since when are you interested in beauty?

Grissom: Since I met you.

---

Gil Grissom: There are three things in life people like to stare at - a rippling stream, a fire in a fireplace, and a zamboni going round and round.

Sara: Charlie Brown. I love a zamboni.

Gil Grissom: We all do.

---

Grissom: What is Victoria's secret, I wonder?

Sara: Beauty, Grissom, remember?

[edit] Felonius Monk [2.17]

Nick: How do you get one vic, let alone four... To sit still while you put a bullet between their eyes.

Grissom: They were praying.

Nick: Yeah, for mercy.

Grissom: For whoever was shooting them.

---

Nick: Guy in the robe flagged down an officer.

Grissom: Guy in the robe is a monk, Nick.

Nick: Yeah. Well. [Nick looks at the monk for several seconds then turns back to Grissom] He's a quiet monk.

---

Grissom: Wherever you live is your temple. If you treat it like one.

Sara: State your source.

Grissom: Buddha.

[edit] Chasing the Bus [2.18]

Grissom: We need a treadmill, a big one.

Nick: All right, to do what?

Grissom: To exercise a bus.

[edit] Stalker [2.19]

[Nick walks into the break room after pulling down a departmental newsletter from a bulletin board entitled "CRIME STOPPER" with an article about him]

Sara: [laughing]

Warrick: Who wrote this?

Nick: You're kidding me, right?

Warrick: [dramatic voice] Nick Stokes, crime stopper! [Warrick and Sara laugh] You went Hollywood on me man!

Sara: And I quote, 'In his off time, he enjoys creating and inventing toys.' That's...facinating...what kind of toys do you make Nick?

Nick: I thought I got my hands on all those departmental newsletters. Where'd you get those?

Sara and Warrick: [simultaneously ] Greg.

Nick: [pause] Yeah, that figures.

---

Psychic Detective: [talking to Nick after seeing a vision involving him and his home] Green tea! Green tea....does that mean anything to you? Green tea?

---

Nigel: [after being taken in] I am one, who am I? I am one, who am I?

[edit] Cats in the Cradle [2.20]

Nick: Hey.

Sara: Hey!

Nick: Wow. You look...

Sara: Happy?

Nick: Smug. Actually.

---

Sara: How is that possible? The mechanic saw the bomb.

Nick: X-ray vision?

---

Nick: Hmm... hello, sweetheart.

Sara: End cap.

Nick: Pipe bomb.

[edit] Anatomy of a Lye [2.21]

Greg: Your vehicle was painted Sarasota Silver. Also, only available on the S-Series '99 models. I checked with the Mercedes State Rep. Five were sold in Nevada. Sara's tracking down the owners.

Grissom: You've, uh, already shared this information with Sara?

Greg: Yeah, an hour ago. And she was way more fascinated than you are.

Grissom: Well, I'm somewhat fascinated by the fact that I'm your boss, but you talked to her first.

Greg: Well, you were at dinner.

Grissom: I've been in the lab all day, Greg.

[edit] Cross-Jurisdictions [2.22]

[Nick and Sara are dusting a champagne bottle]

Sara: Hey Nick, have you ever been to a swingers party?

Nick: Well, if it's the same thing as a frat party yeah, lots of them. You know, you get enough booze going things can get pretty wild.

Sara: Frat party, huh? Well, I wouldn't know anything about that...How wild?

Nick: Multiple partner wild.

[edit] The Hunger Artist [2.23]

Dr. Robbins: Educated guess: Beautification. She was injected with pig botulism. Botox ... the ultimate wrinkle cream.

Grissom: How did it get into her bloodstream?

Dr. Robbins: Bad doctor. Missed the muscle. Shot directly into her supratrochlear vein.

Grissom: Amazing the advances we make in science and the primitive uses we find for them.

---

Warrick: Looks like gink work. It's the kind of thing speed freaks do when they've been up for 10 days straight...and they've already taken apart the radio.

[edit] Season 3

[edit] Revenge Is Best Served Cold [3.01]

Nick: I wired the target to the car's alarm system. Gotta make sure we hear it.

Catherine: Always thinking there, Nicky, aren't ya?

[They get into their cars and buckle up]

Nick: Okay, remember full out the fifth then hit the nitrous and hang on.

Catherine: You just try to keep up.

[edit] The Accused Is Entitled [3.02]

Greg: Psst, Grissom. [whispering] We got a development. I went over those swatches that Sara gave me from the bed sheet.

Grissom: Are you whispering?

Greg: I don't want that Gerard guy to hear me.

Grissom: Well, he's not here, so stop it.

[edit] Let the Seller Beware [3.03]

Grissom: Greg!

Greg: Yeah.

Grissom: Take off your shoes and socks.

Greg: See, now we're getting into this whole strip forensics thing and I'm not too sure I can hang with that - even if you are my boss.

Grissom: Your mother's maiden name was Hojem? Hojem is Norwegian, right?

Greg: That's right and you know my grandfather was tossed from Norway for getting my grandmother pregnant before they got married. To this day he still tells me, "Som man reder sa ligger man". [long pause] One must lie in the bed one has made.

Grissom: That's true. Right foot first, please.

Greg: Are you sure you want me to do this? Things could get loud in here!

---

Greg: [Greg limps into Grissom's office wearing only socks] What did you do to me?

Grissom: You had a reaction.

Greg: I'm Hazmat meat. Quarantine, here I come. [Greg pulls off the socks and puts both his feet up on Grissom's desk. Grissom examines Greg's right foot.]

Grissom: Your right foot, I swabbed with a placebo, regular tap water.

Greg: Yeah, well, I'm not worried about the right foot.

Grissom: Left foot...eumycotic dermatitis.

Greg: Oh, great. It's probably fatal.

Grissom: It's a mildew-induced skin rash.

Greg: [stares at Grissom] You infected me with mildew?

Grissom: Here. Hydrocortisone. Follow the directions, clear it right up.

[edit] A Little Murder [3.04]

Warrick: Cath? You all right? Don't let him get to you like that.

Catherine: I was scared...and I still am. [Warrick puts his arms around Catherine] Don't tell anyone, okay?

[edit] Abra Cadaver [3.05]

Archie: Is that who I think it is?

Grissom: Who?

Archie: Toby Arcane. "Freak man".

Grissom: What makes him a "freak" besides that shirt?

Archie: All I can say he's not for the faint of heart.

[edit] The Execution of Catherine Willows [3.06]

Greg: Hey, I hear you're cheating on me with an out-of-state DNA analyst.

Catherine: Apples and oranges, Greg. Fifteen-year-old hair samples no roots, room-temperature storage.

Greg: Room temp?

Catherine: Yeah, that's how we stored hair evidence back then. Microscopy was king.

Greg: Really? I thought Elvis was king.

Catherine: And you are how old?

Greg: Age is irrelevant in our relationship.

Catherine: Maybe so, but face it, Greg you just don't have the equipment.

[edit] Fight Night [3.07]

Warrick: There was this one case where a boxer put lead shot in his gloves to increase his punching power. And also ancient greek limapulists used a glove weighted with metal, called a "cestus."

Grissom: You making a classical reference?

Warrick: Yeah. I thought you'd like that.

---

Grissom: I guess clothes do make "The Man."

Catherine: In this case, "The Man" makes the clothes... and produces the music... and represents the athletes... when he's not involved in street shootings, of course.

Grissom: And when you asked him what he was wearing the night of the murder, he couldn't remember?

Catherine: As far as he's concerned murder is just another way to separate himself from the Calvins and Ralphs of the world.

Grissom: Calvin and Ralph?

Catherine: Klein and Lauren. Fashion.

Grissom: Oh. Well, for most CSIs, fashion is irrelevant.

Catherine: Speak for yourself. The only thing between me and a wardrobe like this is a few extra zeros on my paycheck.

[edit] Snuff [3.08]

Grissom: By the way, the definition of the word "retard", is to hinder or to hold someone back. I think your life is about to become retarded.

---

Film Processor: I've processed hundreds of bogus snuff films. But this, this one just felt different.

Catherine: Yeah, it should. arterial spray was real.

Grissom: It's not fake blood. It's human. That was a murder... on 16 millimeter.

---

[talking to the terminally ill suspect]

Catherine: You killed her.

Sara: I guess she killed you back.

[edit] Blood Lust [3.09]

Grissom: Okay, Doc, tell me something I don't know.

Dr. Robbins: Okay. In fourth grade, I dropped out of karate class because a kid half my size made me cry.

Grissom: About the body.

---

Sara: You know you pulled me away from a forensic anthropology seminar, right? It's required. It's part of the continuing education program.

Grissom: Well, I'm sorry, but everyone seems to have something to do today. I have a teenager who was run over by a taxi. He wasn't hit by it; that's not what killed him. He was stabbed, fatally. For now, I have no ID, no suspects and no primary crime scene. I need you.

---

Grissom: How would you like to be part of an experiment?

Judy: I- I'm a secretary, besides, I heard what you did to Greg's feet.

Grissom: You'll keep your shoes on, I swear.

---

Thug: [After Brass is questioning them for beating a taxi driver who was supposedly fleeing a crime scene] If we were wearing badges, you guys would be giving us medals.

Brass: If you guys are wearing badges, I'm playing left wing in the NHL.

[edit] High and Low [3.10]

Catherine: Hey, Greggy, any luck on those blood and hair samples?

Greg: Don't insult me. Luck is for those without skill.

Catherine: Spoken like a man who's never hit the jackpot.

Greg: Sad, but true.

[edit] Recipe for Murder [3.11]

[Looking at the meat grinder the arm is caught in]

Grissom: We're gonna have to dismantle this piece by piece.

Catherine: Yeah.

Grissom: I'll get a foreman.

Catherine: I think I can handle this.

Grissom: You know about meat grinders?

Catherine: Well, everything's pretty much plumbing. Male into female parts. Righty tighty, lefty loosey.

[Grissom just looks at her as she starts to take it apart]

[edit] Got Murder? [3.12]

[after Dr. Robbins has performed an autopsy on a living man, who later passes on]

Dr. Robbins: Alright David, take two.

---

Sara: She's a virgin?! So what are we talking here immaculate conception?

[edit] Random Acts of Violence [3.13]

Detective Vega: You don't just spontaneously develop a fatal head wound.

---

Warrick: This guy has been in Mat's house.

Grissom: What is this?

Warrick: Mat's team won this three years ago. This trophy was given to the rec center last year. I found all this stuff in Jacobs' car. Look at this.

Grissom: If this is evidence, it needs to be tagged and cataloged.

Warrick: This is the same guy who shot Mat's daughter in the head and he's walking around laughing at us.

Grissom: Can you prove that?

Warrick: What is this? I've been putting guys away like this for years. And now that it matters it's like that you're holding me back here.

Grissom: Your job, Warrick, is to process the evidence.Objectively and without prejudice.

Warrick: I'm so tired of hearing that. I've heard it a million times. I can't be like you, I'm not a robot, ok? I, actually, care about this people.

Grissom: Y'know what? You're not working on this case anymore. I have another assignment for you tomorrow.

Warrick: Keep it.

---

Grissom: Greg, how many licks are take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?

Greg: The world may never know.

Warrick: Just see if you get some DNA off this stick, would you?

Greg: All work and no play makes Greg a dull boy.

Grissom: All play and no work makes Greg an unemployed boy.

[edit] One Hit Wonder [3.14]

Grissom: Even the greatest intentions are filled with disappointment.

---

Nick: The semen sample I recovered is still being processed in DNA.

Greg: [walks in] Not anymore. I'm done. And no jokes about me being fast in this department. The ejaculate outside the first girl's window -- spank high. Good news: It does have DNA.

Nick: Whose?

Greg: I don't know. Ran it through CODIS, nothing kicked out.

Catherine: Well, it's possible this guy's so new he doesn't even have a record.

Greg: Well, I can tell you this about him: Really low sperm count. Sample hardly had any swimmers.

Nick: That's probably from excessive masturbation. Guy's outpacing his ability to produce ... [he looks up and finds everyone staring at him] ... sperm.

Warrick: You'd know it, spanky

---

[Sara gives Bobby the bullet from her friend to process]

Bobby: Hang on a second. [smiling] You get approval from Grissom, I don't want him walking in on me.

Sara: [nodding] Yeah.

Bobby: Sara Sidle.

Sara: [smiling] Yeah, I did!

Bobby: All right. Just checking!

[edit] Lady Heather's Box [3.15]

Grissom: May we come in?

Lady Heather: Say the magic word...

Brass: Warrant.

---

Brass: We are going back to Lady Heather's.

Grissom: I can take care of this myself.

Brass: Gil, do me a favor. Get a sport car. It's a lot cheaper and easier to handle.

---

Lady Heather: Unfortunately the language we speak in here doesn't necessarily translate to the world out there.

Grissom: No, in here, the submissive has the power... all he has to do is say the safety word and everything stops.

Lady Heather: Very good, Mr. Grissom.

Grissom: I'm just repeating what I've heard.

Lady Heather: You're a good listener.

Grissom: Part of the job.

Lady Heather: So, this is work?

Grissom: Yes, but I value your insight.

Lady Heather: I'm flattered...but you already seem to know the answers to your questions. You keep me in proximity when I walk away [She moves closer to him] and when I'm close you watch my lips. Are you losing your hearing?

Grissom: I'm losing my balance.

Lady Heather: Your sense of self?

Grissom: No, I know who I am.

Lady Heather: Do you?

Grissom: Yes... I do. [He touches one side of her cheek with one hand then the other with his other hand] You can always say "stop".

Lady Heather: So can you.

[Screen fades, then the next scene of them is in the morning at Lady Heather's house, having tea]

[edit] Lucky Strike [3.16]

Detective Cyrus: Death: the cheapest show in Vegas.

Grissom: Yeah. it doesn't suprise me. Remember the MGM fire? We found people burned to their slot machines cause they wouldn't leave the action.

Detective Cyrus: Only in Vegas.

---

Nick: Feces?

Grissom: Yep.

Nick: Under the fingernail?

Grissom: Yep. (Nick looks up with pained expression)

Nick: He wiped his own ass?

Grissom: [laughs] No, Nick, it's not human. It's scat. Could be from a bat.

Nick: Bat scat.

Grissom: Bat 'guano'.

[edit] Crash and Burn [3.17]

Greg: Hey, I hear you're working on Hank's case.

Sara: I believe it's my case.

Greg: Territorial. You know, guys don't like that.

Sara: You're crowding me, Greg.

Greg: Well, I have some information that'll bring us even closer.

---

Sara: Diane Lambart lived two hours away. If she drove into Vegas with the intention of using it as a murder weapon. I'd imagine she'd be pretty stressed.

Dr. Robbins: Kamikaze Grandma.

[edit] Precious Metal [3.18]

Grissom: So, let's see. You surf, you scuba dive. You're into latex, you like fashion models and Marilyn Manson. And you also have a coin collection?

Greg: Weird, ha?

Grissom: Well, I race cockroaches.

---

Grissom: What happened to your enthuasism, Greg?

Greg: Well, everytime I make a DNA match in here my world gets a little smaller. Out there I felt large.

Grissom: Out there... means a pay cut.

Greg: It's not about the money.

Grissom: That's good to know.

---

Doorman: Sorry, 5 dollars to get in.

Brass: [Pointing to his badge] I got a coupon.

[edit] A Night At The Movies [3.19]

Sara: What do you think caused these marks?

Hodges: Give me more time. I'm not a miracle worker.

Sara: Well, that's obvious, Hodges. If you were a miracle worker, you wouldn't be rude.

Hodges: I wasn't being rude. I was being curt. Rude would be, "When I know, you'll know." Friends?

Sara: No.

---

Catherine: Hi. What'd I miss?

Grissom: Murder, seduction, deceit — the usual.

Catherine: Mm. This one of your favorites?

Grissom: Actually, I'm not a big fan of noir.

Catherine: Okay. Well, what do you like?

Grissom: I like silent movies.

[edit] Last Laugh [3.20]

Brass: I'm chasing something that Gil Grissom isn't interested in ... a hunch.

---

Nick: You sure you don't want me to do this?

Sara: Are you kidding? I live for this. I mean, Shelley Stark and I are the same height and weight.

Nick: Yeah, but you're taller, thinner.

Sara: Oh, butter that toast, Nick.

---

Catherine: Oh, Dougie Max was poisoned.

Greg: To the max.

---

Catherine: It's physically impossible to absorb a fatal dose of cocaine through the penis.

Grissom: Cite your source.

---

Brass: Did you hear the one about the comedian who died onstage?

Catherine: Ba-dum-bum

Brass: I'll be here all week.

---

Catherine: We have a bigger problem than we thought we did.

Hodges: Why are you looking at me?

Catherine: I'm not looking at you.

Hodges: Yes you are!

Catherine: Okay...

---

Catherine: What do you see?

Grissom: Nothing.

Catherine: What are you looking for?

Grissom: A punchline?

Brass: Ba-dum-bum.

[edit] Forever [3.21]

Catherine: I'm gonna find out what Rone's mothers maiden name is.

Grissom: What's his mother got to do with it?

Catherine: She may have sold me my engagement ring.

[edit] Play with Fire [3.22]

Archie: Nevada State Correctional Facility. Pretty casual for a prison.

Grissom: It's medium-security...

Nick: ...for nicer criminals.

Archie: (laughing): Right.

---

Sara: You got a minute?

Grissom: I was just leaving.

Sara: Yeah, the schedule says you're off tonight.

Grissom: I am.

Sara: Me too.

Grissom: You should be on paid leave.

Sara: I'm fine.

Grissom: You were fortunate and I'm not talking about the explosion.

Sara: You, uh, you talked to Brass.

Grissom: And Nick.

Sara: We got the guy.

Grissom: Is that all you have to say?

Sara: Would you like to have dinner with me?

Grissom: No.

Sara: Why not? Let's... let's have dinner... let's see what happens.

Grissom: Sara... I don't know what to do about this.

Sara: I do... you know by the time you figure it out, it really could be too late.

[edit] Inside the Box [3.23]

Grissom: Albert. Got a minute?

Doc Robbins: Sure. What's up?

Grissom: I'd like a second opinion.

[Next shot of them is after he checked Grissom's ear]

Doc Robbins: I wish you had come to me sooner. The condition is pretty far along. Why'd you wait?

Grissom: [sighs] I hoped it would go away.

Doc Robbins: Doesn't your mother have this condition?

Grissom: Yeah. It's hereditary. I know I wasn't rational.

Doc Robbins: Look, Gil. I'm not gonna preach to you, you came to me. But Doctor to Doctor there's a chance the bone deposits have spread into the inner ear. In which case your hearing loss will eventually be permanent. If I were you, I'd schedule surgery as soon as possible.

---

Grissom: I'm not going with you.

Catherine: What do you mean?

Grissom: I'm scheduled for surgery at Desert Palm.

Catherine:: Surgery? [She walks over to him] Your hearing?

Grissom: [nods] Yep.

Catherine: I'm sorry.

Grissom: I'm not. Has to be done.

Catherine: What can I do?

Grissom: Nothin', I'm fine. Take care of the case.

Catherine: Wha--ah, that's it?

Grissom: That's it. Um... good luck.

[edit] Season 4

[edit] Assume Nothing [4.01]

[Nick sees Grissom examining the Magic Fingers]

Nick: Haven't you ever seen one of those before?

Grissom: Not in person, no.

Nick: Magic Fingers. Twenty-five cents for 15 minutes of vibration. Died a slow death in the '70s due to vandalism and seedy connotations. Good for sex. Good for sleep ... too.

Grissom: Good for us. Given the killer's appetite for sexual persuasion, maybe they blew the circuit. Overloaded it with coins.

Nick: And their prints on those coins.

[edit] All for Our Country [4.02]

Grissom: Linens and towels from The Sphere on top of the washing machine, and what I believe to be sheets from the motel inside the dryer. Both positive presumptive for blood.

Nick: Think they were being smart taking the sheets, or did they just get off sleeping on 'em?

Warrick: Either way, they were sick and dangerous.

Grissom: What does that say about whoever killed them?

---

Catherine: Whoa, this isn't half bad for college kids.

Sara: Yeah, why live in a one room flea bag when you can pool your resources and live like this.

Catherine: Hey how about it, you, me, Warrick, Nick, Grissom?

Sara: Oh, nah, not Grissom.

[Catherine and Sara walk into the house. Water is pouring down, almost like it's raining, from the second story and the two police officers on scene are using umbrellas]

Catherine: What the hell is this?

Officer: Ma'am, you may want to take one of these. [The officer hands Sara an umbrella]

Sara: Thank you, thanks!

Catherine: Where's the body?

Officer: Upstairs.

Sara: Upstairs?

Officer: Yeah.

[long pause]

Catherine: It's raining MAN JUICE?

Sara: Hallelujah?

[One of the officers dashes over to give them two pairs of boots]

Officer: You might want to wear these.

Sara: Thank you.

---

Fromansky: Someday, you're going to need me or my buddies at a scene... and wouldn't you know it, we all hit traffic on the way.

Grissom: Is that how you do your job, officer?

Fromansky: Have a safe night.

---

Greg: So I ran the blood you found on the gun through CODIS... on my own time... of which I have precious little...

Grissom: Greg, why do you always trail off like that?

Greg: Because you make me nervous.

---

Sara: So who's the punk now... bitch?

[edit] Homebodies [4.03]

Grissom: Sun Tzu once said "“If you wait by the river long enough, the bodies of your enemies will float by." [opens the door to find a mummified body] But those were brutal times.

[edit] Feeling the Heat [4.04]

Archie: You know, if I had my choice about how I was going to go out, it would not be electrocution. I think an aneurysm in my sleep, quick and painless.

Warrick: I like surprises.

---

Sara: Girl's out at the lake. She meets some random guy she knows nothing about and she goes off with him.

Hodges: She places herself in a bad situation.

Sara: And bad things happen.

---

Archie: Whoa-ho!

Warrick: What you got?

Archie: Ultimate power. I could program this bad boy to make me a cup of coffee.

[edit] Fur and Loathing [4.05]

Brass: Well, the rancher's going to get off, Linda's dead, and Wolfie... skates with a misdemeanor.

Catherine: We took one look at those furry suits and thought "foul play," but this was really just a domestic dispute gone mad.

Grissom: Fur and loathing in Las Vegas.

---

Catherine: Well, I like hairy chests, but I'm not about to bop a six-foot weasel!

---

[After finding civet oil and ipecac on the blue cat suit]

Greg:That's what you get when you eat...

[edit] Jackpot [4.06]

Lt. Brooks: You don't keep any secrets, Mr. Grissom? Not even from your wife?

Grissom: [amused] I used to. I'm trying to change.

[edit] Invisible Evidence [4.07]

Hodges: Hey, I heard about court today. Must have been embarrassing, huh?

Warrick: Hodges, why'd you leave L.A. Again? Never mind, it's probably none of my business.

---

[Warrick is in the bathroom splashing water on his face. Catherine walks in]

Catherine: Hey you!

Warrick: Hey.

Catherine: How're you holding up?

Warrick: I'm fine.

Catherine: You sure?

Warrick: Yeah.

Catherine: You're in the women's bathroom.

---

Sara: Pin me down.

[edit] After the Show [4.08]

Greg: I understand why all these cadets are here. They have to be. But what's up with all these off-duty cops?

Catherine: Chance to be a hero. Girl's beautiful. These guys don't get many chances.

Greg: For what?

Catherine: To rescue a princess.

[edit] Grissom Versus the Volcano [4.09]

Grissom: Here comes the press. You're on. I wish I could help but I got a vehicle to process.

Sheriff Atwater: C'mon, Grissom. Bomb goes off and everyone thinks it's a hit. What do you think?

Grissom: I'm not thinkin'. I'm lookin'.

Sheriff Atwater: That's good. Can I use that?

[edit] Coming of Rage [4.10]

Construction Worker: Trade you a hammer for a screw.

Sara: Name please.

Construction worker: Tell you mine, you tell me yours. Uh, come on baby, stuck with these ugly fools all day, pretty girl comes by, just having a little fun.

Sara: Yeah, a murder always makes me feel a little randy too.

---

Sara: You're not a victim, you were a lure. Do you know how many people don't report a rape because they're afraid that no one will believe them?

Ashley: Of course. That's what I was counting on.

Sara: I'm gonna do everything in my power to make sure you're tried as an adult.

Ashley: Good luck. I dress up real nice. Couple barretts, little lace collar, two dead parents. I'll be the saddest little girl in the world.

---

Sara: Clothing, $85. Earrings, $30. Latte, $4. Getting away with murder...

Grissom: Priceless.

[edit] Eleven Angry Jurors [4.11]

Greg: No she didn't.

Sara: Greg, she told Warrick she put peanut butter in the chili.

Greg: I don't care if Mr. Peanut was taking a bath in the vic's lunch. It's not what killed him.

[edit] Butterflied [4.12]

[The doctor/suspect is leaving the room]

Grissom: Sad, isn't it doc? Guys like us, couple of middle aged men who have allowed their work to consume their lives. The only time we ever touch other people is when we are wearing our latex gloves. We wake up one day and realize that for fifty years we haven't really lived at all. But then all of a sudden we get a second chance. Somebody young and beautiful shows up, somebody we could care about. She offers us a new life with her. But we have a big decision to make, right? Because we have to risk everything we've worked for in order to have her. I couldn't do it, but you did. You risked it all. And she showed you a wonderful life, didn't she? But then she took it away and gave it to somebody else, and you were lost. So you took her life, you killed them both and now you have nothing.

Dr. Vincet Lurie: I'm still here.

Grissom: Are you?

[Camera shows Sara on the other side of the glass, she watched the entire thing]

---

Doc Robbins: Dismembering an adult male with this much presision and without cutting through the bone. 12 hours minimum.

Catherine: Half of a day. That's patience.

Doc Robbins: The, uh, patella was cleanly removed. And with one slice, the femur was separated from the tibia and the fibula. There's a perverse elegance to this butchery.

Catherine: Well, I'm not so sure I see it that way. A killer with knowledge of anatomy who's tool is a scapel. I think that the butcher was a doctor.

[edit] Suckers [4.13]

Grissom: Sara?

Sara: Hmm?

Grissom: Do you have any duct tape in your kit?

Sara: Yeah, that's what I use to keep it together.

[edit] Paper or Plastic? [4.14]

Officer Formansky: Before this goes any deeper I wanna hear it from you, are you gonna try and screw me on this? [Grissom doesn't say anything] Well?

Grissom: Well, I guess that depends on whether or not I get stuck in traffic on the way to your hearing.

[edit] Early Rollout [4.15]

Catherine: We're mid-case. Why do we have to do this now?

Grissom: Well, unless I get this evaluation in, I'm gonna get written up.

Catherine: Okay. My goals...Oh, all right, okay, for starters, I'd like two consecutive nights off. I would like to cut my triples down to 10 instead of the usual 20, and I would love to find a reliable babysitter so I could have myself some kind of a personal life.

Grissom: You don't have a personal life?

Catherine: Write this down: I haven't had sex in six - no, seven months!

[Grissom stops writing on the evaluation and he looks at her]

Grissom: How can I help?

[Catherine's eyes widen]

Grissom: You... Advance, I mean. You... have any interest in changing sections in the lab? For instance.

Catherine: Gil, how do you do this? Honestly, how do you juggle scheduling and vacations and time...

Grissom: The goal of any supervisor is to teach someone to take his place someday.

Catherine: Are you goin' some place?

Grissom: You never know.

Catherine: Are you considering me?

Grissom: Why not? You're certainly qualified. [She gets up to leave] But a CSI who uses the DNA lab to establish her own paternity calls into question her judgement. Don't you think?

[He hands her the evaluation to sign and she thumbs through it]

Catherine: You left that out. Ar-are you covering for me?

Grissom: I believe that we dealt with this issue, handled it internally. As far as I'm concerned it's dead. And besides you'll never do it again. So, just sign your name by the red X.

Catherine: Before I sign, um... since we're putting all of our cards on the table there's something you should know, Sam Braun wrote me a check and I cashed it.

Grissom: For how much?

Catherine: Enough where Lindsey and I can do anything, and not enough to where we can do nothing.

Grissom: Sam Braun was a suspect in one of your murder cases, how does this not look like a pay off?

Catherine: I consulted a lawyer. It's a check from a father to a daughter it is completely out of departmental jurisdiction.

Grissom: What about conflict of interest? Not just for you but for this lab.

Catherine: Gil, I would never you or the lab.

Grissom: [Cutting her off and getting angry] Maybe not legally, but ethically? [She sighs and looks at her lap and then back at him] What else should I know, Catherine?

Catherine: That's everything. [She signs the sheet and leaves]

[edit] Getting Off [4.16]

[Analyzing the boxers found on the victim]

Catherine: Alright, what do those look like to you?

Greg: Semen stains.

Catherine:: Yeah.

Greg: Which on a man's underwear aren't exactly probative.

Catherine: No.

Greg: I can't tell you how long they've been there or how often the guy changes his shorts. You know, I knew guys who could go up to four days on one single pair of tighty whities.

Catherine: Thanks for puttin' that picture in my brain.

---

Greg: The gods of CODIS have blessed us with a hit.

[edit] XX [4.17]

[Drawing a sample from a cadaver's bladder]

Doc Robbins: Urine... you're out.

Catherine: Home pregnancy test, huh?

Doc Robbins: It's about 10 times cheaper than the brand sold by our medicial supply company. But just as accurate.

Catherine: Eye on the bottom line. I find that very---

Doc Robbins: Sexy?

Catherine: Prudent. But that was a good try.

Doc Robbins: Ah, plus sign. You know what that means.

Catherine: Who's yo daddy?

[edit] Bad to the Bone [4.18]

Brass: It's not as bad as it looks.

Sheriff Atwater: It never looks good when a suspect dies in custody.

[edit] Bad Words [4.19]

[Reading the high school newspaper and a column by the victim]

Nick: The lead story by editor and chief Sabrina Abernathy, entitled "Varsity Hazing Ritual". Now listen to this -- "The question is not whether the so called student athletes should be expelled but whether or not they should be arrested."

Warrick: Why, what'd they do?

Nick: Apparently something with several hookers and alot of testosterone.

Greg: Whatever happened to toliet paper and trees?

---

[Grissom and Sara search suspect Craig Kaufman's room for evidence for something connecting to the false word EXVINS]

Craig: What are you looking for?

Sara: A six-letter word.

[Grissom finds a replica Tokarev gun among Craig's things]

Grissom: P-I-S-T-O-L? It's not the word we were looking for, but it's interesting.

[edit] Dead Ringer [4.20]

[Grissom is driving next to Catherine who's running. The title theme from Chariots of Fire is playing from the SUV]

Catherine: [out of breath] What the hell kind of music is that?

Grissom: Inspiration.

Catherine: Sedative!

Grissom: Okay. [Grissom changes the song to a country one.] How's this?

Catherine: How 'bout something that doesn't twang?

[Grissoms changes it to "Are You Gonna Be My Girl?" by Jet]

---

Lieutenant Mendez: I just made Lieutenant. I've got nothing to prove.

Catherine: A man with nothing to prove. Now that would be a first.

---

Lieutenant Mendez: Those the best you got? [He points over to Grissom and Catherine]

Brass: Yeah, yeah, you got lucky.

Lt. Mendez: Well, if they're not I'll fly mine in.

Brass: Let me put it to you this way - I'd want them investigating my murder.

[edit] Turn of the Screws [4.21]

Grissom: This is the first time a roller coaster has derailed in Clark County. Huge criminial and civil liabitilities issues, so keep it quiet. Photograph the scene. Bag and tag the detritus. Forklift anything bigger than Greg. We're going to put up a tent on the other side of the parking lot for crime scene reconstruction. Questions?

Greg: Yeah. What's that guy doing so far away from the others?

Grissom: Curious, isn' t it? [walks away]

Greg: So when he asks if anybody has any questions he's not really asking?

---

Grissom: There are three things in human life that are important, the first is to be kind, the second one is to be kind and the third one is to be kind.

Sara: Henry James.

Grissom: Very good, author of one of the greatest horror stories ever written, Turn of the Screw, and I'm looking for one.

Sara: A screw?

Grissom: Yes.

---

Greg: I found something a little unusual for a roller coaster. Not a sailor but a...

Sara: Semen. Sex on the roller coaster?

Greg: Or some kid shaking hands with Shorty.

Grissom: The release of epinephrine and adrealine while riding a roller coaster can produce a stimlatory effect. It enhances ejaculation.

Greg: Right.

[edit] No More Bets [4.22]

Grissom: I thought that Nick was the best candidate for the position.

Sara: Why?

Grissom: Because he didn't care whether he got the job or not.

Sara: That's a stupid reason.

---

Sam Braun: Some people in this town think I'm a murderer.

Catherine: Some people in this town know you're a murderer.

---

Warrick: They used to tell me back in the day that if you were caught cheating you'd get a couple whacks on the hand with a ball peen hammer.

Doc Robbins: Ow.

Warrick: Second time you got caught you'd lose a limb.

Doc Robbins: Third time?

Warrick: A long walk in the desert with a shovel.

---

Sam Braun: I'm curious. What bothers you more? The fact that you couldn't pin a murder on me....or that Catherine cashed my check? [Grissom gives him a look] There were no strings on that money.

[edit] Bloodlines [4.23]

Sara: Hey, hey, Nick, Congratulations on your almost promotion. Seriously, you deserved it.

Nick: Wow, that's really hard for you isn't it?

Sara: Yeah, it is.

[edit] Season 5

[edit] Viva Las Vegas [5.01]

Grissom: [about why the killer brought the Polaroid with him] Bring me the head of John the Baptist. Salome- wanted proof that he was dead. They didn't have Polaroids back then.

Brass: So you're saying our first victim was a hired killer. Hired by whom?

Greg: Whoever shot him?

---

Sara: (To herself in the mirror) So I had some time to think while I was away, enough time to figure out why I made such a stupid mistake, I...I do not have a drinking problem, I have a, uh...me problem. My PEAP counselor suggested it would be a good idea for me to talk to my supervisor and that's you, Grissom, so... I never told you about my family, I never told anyone about my family, why would I?...

---

Brass: Hey Gil there's something stuck to your shoe... Oh, it's just Sanders.

(Greg gives him a dry look)

[edit] Down the Drain [5.02]

Sara: I don't have a death wish and I'm not a drunk. In case you were worried.

Grissom: I'm not worried. I'm concered.

Sara: Isn't that kind of the same thing?

---

Warrick: Alright then, lets head upstream.

Catherine: I knew you were going to say that.

[edit] Harvest [5.03]

Greg: Just hedging my bets.

Warrick: How so?

Greg: Well, I need field experience, but before I get that, I need to find a replacement. So far, I'm oh-for-one. Plus, she's hot and thinks you're a tool, so I'm way ahead.

[edit] Crow's Feet [5.04]

Doc Robbins: I found ten cc's of urine in her stomach. Digestive system is intact and I found no bruises or abrasions in her mouth. So there's only one way it could've gotten there.

Catherine: Chug-a-lug.

[edit] Swap Meet [5.05]

Mia: Nine vibrators, five plugs and four strands of beads.

Greg: And a partidge in a pear tree. Some kids are happy playing in the sandbox, others want every toy in the store. And apparently these are dishwasher safe.

Mia: I'll swab the nooks and crannies for semen and vaginal secretions and epthelials, but don't get your hopes up.

Greg: Oh, my money's on bag number two.

Mia: Twenty-six used condoms.

Greg: Just like being back in college, right?

Mia: Sara said you didn't lose your virginity until you were twenty-two.

Greg: (Ignoring her): Grissom and I figured that they practiced safe sex so we checked their trash. Check them inside and out, please.

Mia: I've analyzed condoms before, Greg. Just not in bulk.

[edit] What's Eating Gilbert Grissom? [5.06]

Warrick: Griss, this place is crawling with press. They want a statement.

Grissom: Not now.

Warrick: Well, if you don't say anything, they're just going to fill in the blanks...

Grissom: Screw the press, 'cause for all I know, the dead body is an auto mechanic who just painted his house blue.

[edit] Formalities [5.07]

Catherine: I thought you were going to process the scene with Grissom.

Nick: I was. He said he had it covered. Sofia Curtis is up there with him.

Catherine: Right... Ecklie's right hand.

Nick: Hmm?

Catherine: Ever do a case with her?

Nick: Uh-uh. Hey, I heard Grissom stuck you with his speech.

Catherine: A napkin is not a speech.

---

[Catherine comes in to talk to Greg, who's been reviewing video surveillance tapes for about 8 hours]

Catherine: Tell me something.

Greg: I think my eyes need band-aids.

[edit] Ch-Ch-Changes [5.08]

Grissom: I thought you'd want to know what happened to Wendy.

Mimosa: I appreciate your telling me. Killed by someone in our own community. As if we don't have enough enemies. Her parents never understood her, but still I think they should know. What do I say?

Grissom: Show them an oyster.

Mimosa: I'm sorry?

Grissom: There are two types of male oysters, and one of them can change genders at will. And before man crawled out of the muck, maybe he had the same option. Maybe originally we were supposed to be able to switch genders, and being born with just one sex... is a mutation.

[edit] Mea Culpa [5.09]

Catherine: Are you doing all this for the sake of the lab or to indict Grissom?

Ecklie: Catherine, there a number of talented CSIs, like yourself, who have put in to be supervisors. I just want to make sure the right people are in the right place.

Catherine: About my request, I really would like to supervise days.

Ecklie: Right. You're a single mother. Better hours. And I bet you could use the extra cash.

Catherine: No, this promotion isn't about money.

Ecklie: Must be nice to be independently wealthy.

Catherine: We're done here, right?

Ecklie: Yeah.

[edit] No Humans Involved [5.10]

Catherine: Taking your pet for a walk?

Grissom: I know how much you like my little fetal pig, so I'm giving him to you as an office-warming gift.

Catherine: That is so thoughtful. Now tell me why you really stopped by. You checking up on me?

Grissom: No.

Catherine: What've you heard? Who talked to you?

Grissom: See? You've only been on the job a week and you're already paranoid.

Catherine: [laughs] When I was your right hand and your left, I always knew if it hit the fan, you'd be the one to get dirty.

Grissom: Hey, that's the job.

Catherine: Yeah, that's the job. Did you ever play politics?

Grissom: I once ran for president of science club in junior high. Mary Hardy beat me out by one vote.

Catherine: I'm going to guess that you didn't vote for yourself.

Grissom: I'm not any good at politics. It cost me, that's how I lost Nick and Warrick.

Catherine: Your loss, my gain.

Grissom: Yeah, and at least I know that they're in good hands.

[edit] Who Shot Sherlock [5.11]

Grissom: Deerstalker cap, violin, Meerschaum pipe, even a Persian slipper with tobacco stuffed in the toe, I imagine. All in all, meticulous recreation of 221-B Baker Street: residence of the world's greatest detective, Sherlock Holmes.

Brass: Also known as Dennis Kingsley, delivery guy. What do you think?

Grissom: Ask Greg. It's his case. It's his final proficiency test. Emphasis in the "final".

Brass: Okay, Dr. Watson, run it.

[edit] Snakes [5.12]

[looking at a university degree on the deceased's wall]

Catherine: Gang-banger girlfriend with a degree?

Nick: Sounds like a rock band.

[edit] Nesting Dolls [5.13]

[Greg is wearing a suit and tie and attempting to flatten out his hair for court]

Sara: Wow. Look at you, Mr. straightedge. I did not know that your hair could do that.

Greg: I look like a dork.

Sara: No, no, no. You look like a pro, which is what you are.

[edit] Unbearable [5.14]

Grissom: Hey, the rich are just as deviant as the poor.

[edit] King Baby [5.15]

Greg: Brass subpoenaed Eiger's home phone calls in the last year.

Ecklie: Yeah, anything interesting?

Greg: Numerous calls from Eiger's house to Sy Magli's office.

Ecklie: Well, they were known business rivals.

Greg: Between midnight and 4 a.m., what I like to call: "Love Hours".

Grissom: Wouldn't be the first time that hate mutated into passion.

Greg: Public enemies, private lovers. So Jackie Collins.

[edit] Big Middle [5.16]

Greg: That means she slept with a dead guy. She's not only a killer she's a necrophiliac. That's what I call enjoying your work.

[They review the tape some more]

Sara: She's trashed. Maybe she passed out.

Greg: How drunk do you have to be to sleep next to a decomposing body? The smell alone is an alarm clock.

Sara: Not next to him, on top of him.

[edit] Compulsion [5.17]

[About a wad of hair found in a drain. Hodges thinks it smells woodsy]

Grissom: You sniffed it?

Hodges: That disgust you?

Grissom: No. Actually it's the first thing you've ever done to impress me.

[edit] Spark of Life [5.18]

Sofia: What's the problem?

Greg: Nothing. I'm fine.

Sofia: You're not.

Greg: I feel like a wuss. Grissom told me I should take a break, and I did.

Sofia: Your burn victim.

Greg: [nods] How do you get an image like that out of your mind?

Sofia: You go home. You, uh... hug your cat, your dog, your pillow. You have a beer, you watch a movie, and then you come back tomorrow.

Greg: Is that supposed to make me feel better?

Sofia: Rumor has it you used to be a pretty funny guy. Don't lose that.

[edit] 4x4 [5.19]

Hodges: How old were you when you first got drunk?

Nick: Oh, 16.. 17..

Hodges: Amortized over a generation, 12's about right?

Nick: So your saying, two generations from now, four-year-olds are just gonna be getting trashed?

Hodges: Pre-school graduation parties are going to be off the hook.

---

Brass: Let me get this straight, Larry. An old man refuses to let you steal his money, so you jack a Hummer and try to run over his taco stand?

Larry: [Embarrassed] Maybe.

Grissom: I think this is the dumbest thing we've ever heard.

[edit] Hollywood Brass [5.20]

Annie: L.A. over 200 criminalists and you gotta bring your own guy in?

Brass: Well, Rick is like a vampire, he needs to be invited in.

Annie: If this goes to court, Warrick's going to have to come back and testify.

Warrick: Well, you got beaches, bikinis. Free trip to L.A. ? I'm down.

[edit] Committed [5.21]

Grissom: Jail or no jail, she won't last six months. She'll die without her son.

Sara: That would be better for both of them.

[edit] Weeping Willows [5.22]

Grissom: Did you hear the one about the cop and the monkey who walk into a bar?

Catherine: I'm not in the mood.

Grissom: Neither was the monkey.

[edit] Iced [5.23]

Grissom: And this must be Mr. Billmeyer. I'm so glad he's back.

Ecklie: Very funny.

Grissom: You might want to have Hodges analyze that cigar. Oh, and the print tech is free. He could, uh, spray the party hat with ninhydrin.

Ecklie: I think I remember how to do my job, Gil, thank you.

Grissom: I love it when you wear your gloves.

[edit] Grave Danger [5.24]

Nick: What's going on out here?

Police officer: Well, an anonymous 911 caller reported body parts in this area. I rolled, and found this. [Shines flashlight on a pile of intestines]

Nick: Mmm, tasty.

---

Walter Gordon: You know, I was under the impression that it was against departmental policy to negotiate with terrorists.

Grissom: Are you a terrorist?

Walter Gordon: Depends. [Shines flashlight in Grissom's face] Are you terrified?

Grissom: Look, I really don't want to talk to you. Where is my guy?

Walter Gordon: Oh, so he's "your guy", huh?

Grissom: Yes, he is. Where is he buried?

Walter Gordon: Are you two close?

Grissom: That's none of your business.

Walter Gordon: What does "Nick Stokes" mean to you? How do you feel when you see him in that coffin? Does your soul die every time you push that button? How do you feel knowing that there's nothing you can do to get him out of that hell? Helpless? Useless? Impotent?

[Grissom is silent]

Walter Gordon: Good. Welcome to my world. [Opens jacket, revealing Semtex strapped around him] Uh, if I were you, I'd back up a little.

[Grissom takes a step back]

[Gordon blows himself up]

[edit] Season 6

[edit] Bodies in Motion [6.1]

Brass:Let me tell you my story. Once upon a time, you follow your husband to a trailer park. You see him slumming with his little trailer bunny. You waited for him to come out...

[Flashback to, trailer door opens, Robert Durgee steps out. Amber sits in her car watching him. He lights his cigarette, suddenly car lights glare at him and tires screech as the car surges toward him]

Brass:When she pulls the body back in, before she can call for help, you torch the place. Kaboom. The end.

Amber Durgee: That's the craziest thing I've ever heard

Brass [laughs]: Wouldn't even make my top ten.

---

Sofia: Your broadcast was for a blue Pontiac. Patrol figured this was worth a look.

Grissom: How bad does a smell have to get before Parking Control calls Homicide?

Sara: No way this car was at the trailer park. Think we've got a new case. First citation was issued five days ago. Car's probably been here at least six. [Sofia pops the trunk. Inside are the liquefied remains of two bodies] Six days in the summer heat.

Grissom: And a trunk becomes a crockpot.

[edit] Room Service [6.2]

Nick: Are you baggin' Z's right now, man?

Hodges: I was just having the greatest dream.

Warrick: You were out.

Hodges: It was the 80's and I had this Don Johnson beard, you know, the Miami Vice stubble. It just gave me this air of danger. My lady loved it.

[edit] Bite Me [6.3]

David: It's like the Red Sea in here.

Grissom: The Red Sea's not red, David.

David: No, it's blue from afar and transparent when held in hand, like any other body of water. I was just speaking figuratively.

[edit] Shooting Stars [6.4]

Grissom: The Orionid meteor shower. You never get a view like this in town.

Brass: Hmm. So, uh, is this part of the investigation?

Grissom: No. But we're here, and it's beautiful.

---

Catherine: It's a big desert.

Grissom: About twenty-five thousand square miles

Catherine: Nearest town is Parhump. That's about thirty miles from here

Grissom: But I got water, we can share.

Catherine: Who are you today, Moses?

Catherine: [on phone] Yeah, Jim. Uh, Grissom and I are gonna take a little walk.

---

Sara: Any good news, Mandy?

Mandy: A little bit. Male DB at the bunker matched your partial from the kitchen door. So far he's the only one with a record. Matthew Dickens, 19, bust for petty theft.

Sara: College student

Mandy: Yeah, very impressionable. When I start my religion, that's where I'm gonna recruit.

[Sara gives her a weird look]

[edit] Gum Drops [6.5]

Sara: Everything in our experience tells us they're dead.. all four of them.

Nick: Doesn't mean we just give up.

Sara: No one's giving up. It's just that... you're acting like you're gonna rescue a person, not recover a body. And on this job that's not usually the case.

Nick: I was rescued.

Sara: It was not your day to die. When it's your day, it's your day. You know?

Nick: I don't think it was Cassie's day.

---

Sara: Can I talk to you for a minute?

Nick: Sure, what's up?

Sara: I-I think I need to talk about what happened at the station.

Nick: Oh, yeah.

Sara: I'm slightly concerned about its effect on the case, but more than that, I'm concerned about the case's effect on you, Nick, and I'm absolutely sure that, six months ago, you wouldn't have lost it like that.

Nick: I know, I'm sorry. I apologize for that.

[edit] Secrets and Flies [6.6]

Grissom: Well, it's always good to know what you don't know.

---

Catherine: So I understand that you're going up against Mark Thayer? The guy's an ass.

Grissom: Used to be a competent scientist. We actually co-authored a paper together ten years ago. I believe greed has gotten in his way.

Catherine: Well, I've seen him on the stand. He manipulates evidence.

Grissom: He manipulates people. The public assumes that scientists are ethical. But many of us are no better than politicians evidently

[edit] A Bullet Runs Through It, Part 1 [6.7]

[After they got done putting red rods into a police car, indicating where the bullets hit it]

Nick: Looks like porcupine.

Sara: There's not enough room between rods for a human being to fit.

Nick: I know. [sighs] Bell and Adams must've been really swervin' and weavin'.

Sara: 78 bullet holes. And Bell wasn't hit until he got out of the car.

Nick: And I heard Bell was a rookie, barely off training. It was just his time I guess.

[edit] A Bullet Runs Through It, Part 2 [6.8]

[At a community meeting, in a church]

Grissom: Hello. My name is Doctor Gil Grissom. I'm the night shift supervisor of the Las Vegas Police Department's crime lab. I'm not a police officer, I'm a scientist.

Shooter's Brother: You work for the cops, that makes you a cop. You're not on our side.

Grissom: Actually I'm a forensics expert. My job is to collect physical evidence from a crime scene to determine who did what to whom and how did they do it. I've been asked to come here today by the Mayor and Sheriff Berdic to present our analysis of the evidence in this case to your community.

Shooter's Mom: Why here? Why should we believe your evidence?

Grissom: Physical evidence cannot be wrong, it doesn't lie. It's not influenced by emotion or prejudice, it's not confused by the excitement of the moment. I'm here [looks up] in God's house to explain to you the truth about exactly what happened the other day.

[edit] Dog Eat Dog [6.9]

Hodges: All the hairs lifted off the victim's clothes were consistent with each other. There's a sample under the scope. The root is shaped like a spade which is indicitative of canine. The scale pattern is consistent with a golden retriever.

Sara: Oh, yeah the victims have a golden retriever.

Hodges: Well if you cracked that mystery at the scene, you would have saved me a lot of time. [sighs] I've been working like a dog.

Nick: You know studies have found that pet owners have lower stress levels, you should, you should check that out.

Hodges: Well, I had a hamster when I was growing up. My mother hated them she said they stank out my room. But I just loved to watch them spinning on their little wheels. One day I came home and they were gone. Somehow they'd gotten out of their cage.

Sara: How much did your mother hate them?

Hodges: They ran away.

[edit] Still Life [6.10]

Warrick: What's a 4-5-0?

Karen: That would be sex with a dead body.

[edit] Werewolves [6.11]

Robbins: You know, Gil, we're all intrigued by our nightmares when we watch freak shows, but basically we're all thinking the same thing.

Grissom: Yeah, I'm glad they're not looking at me.

[edit] Daddy's Little Girl [6.12]

Nick: Hey, Grissom. You wanna talk to me?

Grissom: Yeah. Sit down. (pause) I heard that uh, Kelly Gordon may be a suspect in your murder case.

Nick: Yeah.

Grissom: Is that a problem?

Nick: No. No, it's not a problem. Hey, by the way I heard the tape. I did a voice comparison. Sylvia Mullins is the other voice on that tape. She's Walter Gordon's ex-business manager so I'm pretty sure she had something to do with my kidnapping.

Grissom: But now she's dead.

Nick: Yeah.

Grissom: So... it's over.

Nick: Yeah.

Grissom: Good.

Nick: Good.

---

Warrick: Who brings a gun to a knife fight?

Grissom: The Winner?

[edit] Kiss Kiss, Bye Bye [6.13]

[Looking at Lois' ring]

Catherine: The canary diamond.

Sara: Wanna bet the birdie sings in the key of GSR?

---

[Hodges is coloring in his grey hair with a marker pen]:

Grissom: Vanity, thy name is Hodges.

Hodges: This isn't what it looks like. I actually like my grey hair, the few that I have.

Sara: Hodges, don't you know that grey hair can be very attractive. [Grissom and Hodges look at her suggestively] The, uh, ring?

[edit] Killer [6.14]

Greg: Every time I come to the desert I see porno mags. Who brings spankables out here?

Nick: It's probably just trash... blown in from off the street.

Greg: Porn isn't trash. They're heirlooms that you pass down.

[edit] Pirates of the Third Reich [6.15]

Wendy: I have a question. How do you have sex with the person who killed your daughter?

Grissom: Revenge is an act of passion.

[edit] Up in Smoke [6.16]

Sara:: What were you doing on the roof?

Jonathan Wax:: That's what I do -- Chad's Chimney Sweeps. I clean fireplaces and chimneys. I was out at that Sidley place about a month ago. You can call Chad. I remember that place. Man, that guy had one big-ass chimney.

Sara:: I don't suppose you saw a body while you were there?

Jonathan Wax:: Look, I may be an ex-con, but even I would've dialed 9-1-1.

[edit] I Like to Watch [6.17]

Cameraman:: Do you think forensic shows are just teaching the criminals how to get away with crimes?

Grissom:: Everyone learns from science. It all depends on how you use the knowledge.

[edit] The Unusual Suspect [6.18]

Mandy:: Twelve year old killer, huh?

Nick:: Starting to look that way.

Mandy:: I bet that Grand Theft Auto had something to do with it.

Nick:: Mmm, I don't know, I don't think Hannah is the video game type.

Mandy:: You never know. Between you and me, I actually think it's a ton of fun.

[edit] Spellbound [6.19]

Grissom:: I need to talk to you.

Greg:: You heard about the strip club?

Grissom:: I hear about everything, Greg.

Greg:: That ear surgery paid off.

[edit] Poppin' Tags [6.20]

Dollar:: I got more enemies than some countries got people.

Brass:: Give us some names.

Dollar:: It's gonna be a long list.

[edit] Rashomama [6.21]

Mikey:: Where's that Sara chick?

Catherine:: Oh Romeo, I don't think you'll have time for romance. You're being charged with grand theft auto, obstruction of justice and conspiracy of murder...

Mikey:: Okay. I will cop to everything but the murder.

Catherine:: Well, if you didn't commit the murder, why did you steal the car?

Mikey:: Look, the lady was already dead, all right? And then you guys show up...and then this bridesmaid comes up to me and starts askin' me all these questions about my tow truck.

Catherine:: Which bridesmaid?

Mikey:: The hot one. The next thing I know she wants to be the Bonnie to my Clyde. She asked me to steal this car and trash all the evidence.

Catherine:: So you commited grand theft auto to get laid?

Mikey:: Have you ever stolen a two-ton piece of machinery? It's way much better than sex. And finding a girl that doesn't wanna kick you to the curb for it, I mean c'mon, that's hot! Besides, I haven't gotten a wedding gift for my sister yet.

---

Catherine:: Anyone interested in the wedding DVD?

Greg, Nick & Sara:: Yeah.

Catherine:: Courtsey of Frank Rosetti. Owner of Cupid’s Kiss. [(puts the DVD in)] All right, where do you wanna start?

Greg, Nick & Sara:: The toast.

[(Catherine puts on the toast, and they watch)]

Dianne Chase: [(On DVD)]: Everyone, I wanna thank you for coming. You know, they say love is as strong as death and as mother of the groom his wedding is bitter sweet. You are giving up as much as you are gaining. In some cases you are giving up much more. [(loses her speech as she starts to get tipsy)] To hell with it, I’ll wing it. My Adam. He studied at oxford, he went to Harvard school of business & of all the intelligent, wonderful, beautiful women he met along the way he ended up with Jill, plain little Jill. There's nothing wrong with her, but what's right with her, haha, even her name is boring. [(turns to Adam)] You can take a lover, you just don't have to end up marrying her.. I mean, do you really wanna shallow our gene pool like this? [(Adam tries to get her to leave)] I wanna thank you all so much for coming, oh I love you Adam. [(Catherine pauses the DVD after the toast is done)]

Catherine:: Justifiable homicide?

[edit] Time of Your Death [6.22]

Sara:: Please tell me there are something more to this guys and cars thing, besides the obvious penis extension metaphors.

Greg:: So you want me to lie?

[edit] Bang-Bang [6.23]

Doc Robbins:: Gil... have you ever been even close to getting married?

Grissom:: Once... when I was younger. Her name was Nicole Daley. I asked her to marry me. We were classmates. She liked bugs too. I gave her my grandmother's ring, but my mother made me get it back. [(Doc Robbins nods)] Second grade.

[edit] Way to Go [6.24]

Grissom: I think I found a toupee, our vic may be bald.

Nick: Thanks that will help me distinguish it from the other severed heads I find out here.

---

Nick:: Are you checking out my waist?

Hodges:: I'm a, I'm a 32 incher myself... same as in college.

Nick:: Oh, congratulations.

Hodges:: You know, women aren't the only ones who feel the pressure to look good. Time was, having a rotund belly was a sign of prosperity and success... now, it just means you're a lazy glutton not getting any.

---

Greg: Just between you and me, does he always wear a suit [talking about Brass]? Like, when you guys go to dinner, the movies...or whatever it is you do when you hang out? 'Cuz I gotta tell you, the thought of him in a sweater really freaks me out.

Grissom [smiles] We don't hang out, Greg.

Greg: No kidding? [shrugs shoulders] I just assumed.

---

Grissom: I don't know, most people want to die in their sleep I suppose never know that it's happening, like a crime scene, surprise you're dead. I'd prefer to know in advance that I was gona die, like to be diagnosed with cancer actually have some time to prepare, go back to the rainforest one more time, re-read Moby Dick, possibly enter an international chess tournament, at least have enough time to say goodbye to the people I love.

Sara: I'm not ready to say goodbye.

[edit] Season 7

[edit] Built to Kill: Part 1 [7.1]

Grissom:: I got you a veggie burger.

Sara:: Thanks.

Warrick:: What'd you get me?

Grissom:: I didn't know you were here. Soy, sorry. (Sara smirks)

Warrick:: Where is the love?

[edit] Built to Kill: Part 2 [7.2]

[Looking at Sven's architectural drawings]

Sara:: If Sven is capable of creating these kinds of 3D renderings, he definitely could have built that miniature.

Sofia:: Son defending the honor of his mother?

Sara:: Name that Greek tragedy.

[edit] Toe Tags [7.3]

Doc. Robbins: [(to Catherine)]: When was the last time you took a nap in Grissoms' tub?

[edit] Fannysmackin' [7.4]

Grissom:: Has someone called your parents? You should let them know-- [(Greg groans)] What's the matter?

Greg:: They still think I'm in the lab.

Grissom:: Why do they think that?

Greg:: When I was in high school I never played any sports, no football, no basketball, definitely no hockey.

Grissom: [(sarcastic)]: I never would have guessed.

Greg:: Well, it wasn't my choice. My mom wanted four kids, ended up with only one. She always made sure I stayed close and if I got a nosebleed she'd take me to the ER.

Grissom:: Well, now would be the time to come clean.

Greg: [(beginning to cry)]: My mom's gonna freak.

Grissom:: You tell her that you risked your life to save someone else's and I think she'll be very proud of you.

[edit] Double Cross [7.5]

Brass: Is it bigger sin to lie if you're a priest?

Grissom: I hope so.

---

Catherine: 18 years and this is my first crucifixion. In a Catholic church with no crucifixes.

Grissom: I imagine the priest is a resurrection theologian as opposed to a crucifixion theologian. They believe in forgiveness instead of penance.

Catherine: We could all use a little forgiveness.

---

Catherine: This one's for you, Sam. (lights a votive candle)

[edit] Burn Out [7.6]

Grissom:: Okay, Carl, tell me what happened.

Carl:: Lucas and Jason had gotten into it with Jason's grandfather, he'd knock the boys around, they ran to Lucas' house but couldn't get in. So they came to me. I explained to them that hitting wasn't okay, I said that Jason needed to call his father and explain to him what was going on.

Grissom:: Did you let them use your phone?

Carl:: They were too upset. When the grandfather pushed Lucas, he hit his head, I gave him a couple of aspirin.

Grissom:: Well, if he didn't wanna call his mother, why didn't you call?

Carl:: I couldn't risk it. She might've turned me in.

Grissom:: So instead, you took them from pizza?

Carl:: I didn't touch him. I didn't wanna hurt 'em.

Grissom:: You gave him liquor.

Carl:: I stopped and bought some whiskey before we picked up the pizza, I was nervous about them being in the car with me, I didn't wanna go back to prison.

Grissom:: And you wanted to get them drunk.

Carl:: They---they just wanted to try it. I gave them a taste.

Grissom:: It was more than just a taste, Carl. Lucas' blood alcohol level was .16, that's twice the legal limit for an adult. Why didn't you take them home?

Carl:: They didn't wanna go home, they wanted an adventure. [(shows a flashback of them at the golf course)] I promised them a dollar for every golf ball that they brought back, Lucas wasn't feeling well, so he stayed in the car with me.

Grissom:: And you knew that Jason wanted money so he could go to Texas to see his dad, so you bribed him in order to be alone with Lucus.

Carl:: I didn't molest him!

Grissom:: Who took his shirt off?

Carl:: He was hot.

Grissom:: What were you going to do him once his shirt was off?

Carl:: It was innocent, he wasn't feeling well. He layed his head in my lap, I touched his hair---I didn't wanna, but---I loved him. I loved Lucas and he loved me.

Grissom:: Is that what you think? Then why didn't you help him? He told you that he hit his head, he was in pain, he had a concussion, Carl. You must've known that. I'm sure he was dizzy, had no appetite, maybe he was even slurring his words. But you didn't care about that because you wanted what you wanted. His brain was bleeding, now most kids don't die from that because someone who really loves them takes them to the hospital. But instead, you gave him alcohol and aspirin a lethal combination for his head injury---it prevented his blood from clotting. (pauses) You killed him, Carl. And you would've killed Jason too. Except he ran away from you and out of your reach.

Carl:: You're not listening to me. I didn't wanna hurt anyone. I need you to believe me.

Grissom:: I don't. You had choices, you made the wrong ones and now this little boy is gone.

[edit] Post Mortem [7.7]

Greg:: This isn't a trial, it's a circus.

Sofia:: Yeah, starring the mother.

Greg:: I feel like I should say something?

Sofia:: Like what?

Greg:: I don't know.

Sofia:: Sorry? You're gonna apologize to the mother of a guy who beat one man to death and was tryin' to do the same to you? That's as good as saying your guilty and setting yourself up for one hell of a civil suit besides. You did nothing wrong.

Greg:: I just wanna be able to sleep again.

Sofia:: We put ourselves in harms way every single day and sometimes we pay one hell of a price for surviving it. Other people will never understand that.

[edit] Happenstance [7.8]

Catherine:: Well, I got a phone, and keys but no purse.

Nick:: Mugging?

Catherine:: Take the purse but leave the Lexus?

Nick:: Yeah, that's not real savvy, is it?

[edit] Living Legend [7.9]

Grissom:: Our Mexican Fisherman signed his television release form "F. Krueger."

Catherine:: Freddy Krueger. Nightmare on Elm Street.

Archie:: The karoke singer was Michael Myers. Halloween.

Catherine:: Parts 1-9.

Archie:: Yeah, but our hotel killer was Pamela Voorhees.

Catherine:: Friday the 13th?

Archie:: No, that's Jason. Wait, Jason was the sequel, Pamela was the killer in the original. That's the question that tripped up Drew Barrymore in Scream.

Catherine:: Yeah, and look how far it got her.

Archie:: You watch slasher fics?

Catherine:: With Lindsey, I do. They never get the spatter right.

Grissom:: All I know, the master of all scary movies was Lon Chaney Sr., the man of a thousand faces, and that's what we're looking for.

[edit] Loco Motives [7.10]

Catherine: [to Max, while he's stuck in cement]: Are you ready to give me a name? You know, you are in a very deep hole, in every sense of the word my friend. Think about that while we chisel you out. It's going to take a few hours. Assuming we're careful. See you!

---

[Catherine is trying not to laugh at Max, who is stuck waist-deep in cement]

Grissom: Catherine, do you need a moment?

[edit] Leaving Las Vegas [7.11]

Adam Novak:: Why the hell is your department tailing my client?

Nick:: Concern for his safety?

Adam Novak:: That's cute. Jay Finch was acquitted of his mother's murder; he deserves all the rights of a free man.

Nick:: With all due respect, Mr. Novak, no laws have been broken here.

Adam Novak:: You can't try Finch twice for the same crime.

Nick:: No, but you can for a different crime.

Adam Novak:: Oh, I see this is a personal vendetta by CSI Willows.

Nick:: Personal, to who?

Adam Novak:: Me! She's a man-hater. No suprise, but how long do we have to pay for the sins of her father?

Nick:: Y'know Catherine and I get along just great, maybe it's you.

---

Grissom:: Hey, how's it going on your civil case? Did you get a lawyer?

Greg:: LVPD said they'd provide me with an attorney.

Grissom:: Get your own counsel, Greg. That's your right.

Greg:: Well, are you gonna give me raise because otherwise I can't afford that.

Grissom:: Call the PPAC and talk to your union rep. This was an on duty incident, they'll provide you with an attorney.

Greg:: How's the union lawyer gonna be any different?

Grissom:: The department's only interest is the department. They'll throw you under the bus to protect themselves. When's your deposition?

Greg:: Three weeks from tomorrow.

Grissom:: Stick to whatever you put in the report. Don't waver, be consistent. Everything's gonna be fine.

[edit] Sweet Jane [7.12]

Doc Robbins:: I reviewed that Jane Doe autopsy from '75.

Keppler:: That was fast.

Doc Robbins:: Well I'm sure the original examination was too. M.E. was a hack named Sam Bernard. He, uh, retired a little while after I started. Once saw him do a Y with a scalpel in one hand and a hot dog in the other.

Keppler:: Take it he wasn't known for his, uh, rigorous analysis.

Doc Robbins:: He was known for liking hotdogs.

(Keppler chuckles)

---

Catherine:: Dr. Dave's smile is perfect.

Keppler:: Would you go to a dentist with bad teeth?

---

Keppler:: In theory, as the killer gets more and more comfortable after each act, the locations of the bodies should spiral outward from one central point.

Warrick:: I'll tell 'ya one thing your dump sites do have in common.

Keppler:: What's that?

Warrick:: When the bodies were found in the location they were at the time had the highest crime rate in the city.

Keppler:: Smart. Your crime center seems to move around here a lot, huh?

Warrick:: Well, in Vegas new is old in 5 years. Old is history in 10, and nothin' ever seems to leave a mark.

Keppler:: Sounds refreshing.

[edit] Redrum [7.13]

Catherine:: I grew up in this town, I know all about playing the odds, you are gambling with my team.

Keppler:: We talked about the risks going in, it's not like we can quit now.

Catherine:: I'm not quitting, but I don't like it. And I hate lying to my guys.

[edit] Meet Market [7.14]

[Sara finds Keppler in Grissom's office, looking at the miniature models]

Sara:: Hi. What are you doing?

Keppler:: Just looking.

Sara:: What do you think?

Keppler:: Meticulous. Obsessive. Clearly knows his way around a modeling kit.

Sara:: Grissom didn't make those.

Keppler:: No? Hmm. Fits the profile. Bugs in bottles, the Darwin desk set.

Sara:: He's a... bit of a collector of certain things.

Keppler:: Yeah, I knew a guy in Philly like that. Kept a case of thumbs in a closet.

Sara:: Friend of yours?

Keppler:: No, serial killer.

Sara:: Do you miss it?

Keppler:: What?

Sara:: Philly.

Keppler:: No.

[edit] Law of Gravity [7.15]

Grissom:: I hear that there was some friction in the lab when I was gone.

Warrick:: Did you ever hear of reverse forensics? [Grissom looks up at him, a little shocked]

[edit] Monster in the Box [7.16]

Grissom:: Catherine, lay out room, now!

Catherine: (enters): Gil, where's the fire? [Catherine sees the miniature crime scene and looks confused]

Grissom:: It's been sitting in my office for the last 4 weeks.

Catherine:: But we caught the miniature serial killer, he confessed.

Grissom:: Yeah, and I watched him blow his brains out. But, I think the package was post marked after he killed himself.

Catherine:: Maybe he arranged to have it sent post-mortum.

Grissom:: The three other murders, the miniature was left at the scene. This one was addressed to me.

Catherine:: So now it's personal.

[edit] Fallen Idols [7.17]

Warrick:: What is this Grissom? Romeo and Juliet.

Grissom:: Post-Mortem photography. Momento Mori. In the nineteenth century the photo of the dead loved one was a popular keepsake. Death remembered. One last look.

---

Ryan Lansco:: (from video) Come on, guys. It's cold in here! You could at least close the door! (Reads) I, Ryan Lansco ... am a diseased subhuman sex pervert. If you do me, you'll go home with a souvenir: your own little crab colony. (Angrily) My parents better never see this!

Sheila Latham:: Oh, yeah? This is going up on YouTube, or maybe you'd like to put it on your FriendAgenda page. You put everything else up there, why not your crotch rot?

---

Sara: (with a razor in her hand) Do you trust me?

Grissom: Intimately (she begins to shave off his beard)

[edit] Empty Eyes [7.18]

Mary Wilson:: Warrick Brown. I remember you standing on my steps with those guilty green eyes, afraid to come in because you knew your grandma would size you up no matter what kind of trouble you got into.

Warrick:: I don't remember any trouble.

Mary Wilson:: Like when you were thirteen years old, and you took her new Buick out for a spin.

Warrick:: Oh... that thing with the bumper trying to parallel park. I forgot about that.

[edit] Big Shots [7.19]

Wendy:: You know, if you're still having trouble coming to terms with the fact that this isn't your lab, I suggest counseling.

Greg:: I would like you to run these, please?

Wendy:: M'kay.

[edit] Lab Rats [7.20]

[Archie is about to sit on Grissom's chair]

Hodges:: Ah-Ah-Ah-Ah...

Archie:: What?

Hodges:: What are you doing?

Archie:: Sitting!

Hodges:: No No, you're tempting fate! You know how you should never try on someone else's engagement ring, hold the Oscar, or use the excuse your grandmother died when she didn't?

---

Wendy:: What on God's green earth possessed you to do this?

Hodges:: It's my lucky day.

Wendy:: What?

Hodges:: It's my lucky day...

---

Hodges: Four crime scene miniatures. Four murder victims. And one diabolical killer with an obsessive streak who still remains at large. I don't know if any of you have noticed how distracted Grissom's been lately, but it's these, keeping him up at night.

Archie: You know the combination?

Hodges: Of course. Grissom could use some fresh eyes on the case and that's why I've asked you here. Obviously, this could be perciedved as insulting to the CSIs who formerly worked the cases, so secrecy is of the utmost importance. Double down low.

Mandy: [in a british accent] Oh James, it's Monnypenny, M needs you back at HQ.

Archie: Shoe phone was get smart, girl.

Mandy: Oh, that's right

Henry: Ninety-nine was so hot.

Archie: Yeah

Hodges: Four people are dead, the killer's still out there, and you're mocking?

Mandy: We're mocking you

Hodges: Ah. You in or out?

Henry: I don't really know anything about these cases.

Hodges: We'll review.

Henry: I don't know, I have a lot of work to do.

Hodges: And by work, you mean IMing your Icelandic penpal who thinks that you look like Warrick Brown, because that's the picture you posted.

Henry: How?

Hodges: I just know. Archie? You in?

Archie: What the hell? But I gotta leave early. I've got a surfing trip in Santa Barbra this weekend.

Hodges: Miss Mockery?

Mandy: Well, we can't leave the lab. We can't talk to suspects. What exactly does Grissom want us to do?

Hodges: It's not always what you look at that matters, it's what you see.

Henry: That's Thoreau.

Hodges: Oh, is it?

Archie: Okay, professor, and your point would be?

Hodges: The answers lie in these. We're lab techs. We think differently than field guys. They deal with people, we deal with things. Mabye we can't find the killer, but I think we can find the thing that links all four murders. This is an oppertunity. We have one shift to show Grissom what we're made of. Tonight, we could be heroes.

Mandy: All right, all right. I'm in.

Hodges: It's time to think outside the box

[edit] Ending Happy [7.21]

Greg:: You know, I kind of feel bad for these girls.

Hodges:: Don't feel too bad. They have health benefits, good pay. The women get regular check-ups. The industry is well-regulated. As opposed to picking a hooker up off the street. Does she have a disease? Multiple diseases? Is she crazy? Is she gonna roll you? Where do you go? Do you do it in your car, behind a building, down a dark alley? So you drive around, scared out of your mind, finally get the nerve up, pick one you like, call her over, she gets in. Next thing you know, you're down on the pavement, cuffed, because she's an undercover cop, but luckily you were three months shy of your eighteenth birthday so when you call your mom to come get you, it doesn't go on my permanent record.

Greg: (momentarily speechless) ... Okay.

---

Brass:: So the guy in took an arrow through the throat and it prolonged his life?

Dr. Robbins:: Apparently.

Catherine:: And what are the odds of it not hitting any major artery?

Dr. Robbins:: Whatever comes right before zero.

[edit] Leapin' Lizards [7.22]

Preston:: Chyna was sucking the life out of me. She deserved none of what she wanted and all of what she got in the end. I'm glad it took a long time for her to die. I can only imagine the pain.

Brass:: You know, everytime I think about leaving this job, a guy like you comes along and reminds me why I can't.

[edit] The Good, the Bad and the Dominatrix [7.23]

Sara: How much do you think a night like this would cost?

Catherine: Heather told me, five years ago she was clearing twenty grand a week. And that was before LadyHeather.com.

Sara: (after a moment) What is she like?

Catherine: Beautiful, smart, intense…charming. The only woman I've ever seen rattle Grissom. (Sara starts to look uncomfortable) I mean he kinda liked that forensic anthropologist, Teri Miller, remember her? But, she wasn't enough of a challenge for him. Heather, on the other hand uninhibited and can beat him at mental chess,(more uncomfortable) they had chemistry and he is a scientist. I have no proof and I know he'd never tell me,(more uncomfortable) but I'm certain they spent the night together.(very uncomfortable)

---

Catherine: S and M is a rich man’s sport. Kinda like hockey, a lot of equipment.

---

Catherine: (noticing the rope on the floor): Did she have ligature marks?

Brass:: On her neck, yeah.

Catherine: That doesn't make any sense. She's a dominatrix, not a submissive.

Brass: Maybe the party just got out of control.

Catherine: Somebody…didn't know the rules.

[edit] Living Doll [7.24]

Gil Grissom: Hey Natalie. My name's Gil. It's so nice to finally meet you. I-um, probably shouldn't say this, but I'm a huge fan. I've been a crime scene investigator for 22 years, and worked over 2,000 homicides, and you are by far... the best I've ever seen. I mean, you're such a great artist. And to be so young, and so talented, and... so pretty. I've thought about you every night for the last nine months. I even tried to do what you do. I built my own miniature.

[Natalie nods her head]

Gil Grissom: You saw it? How'd I do?

[Natalie shrugs]

Gil Grissom: You play chess?

[Natalie shakes her head]

Gil Grissom: I play. It's a hobby. Quiets my mind, you know? Soothes me. At one point I became so consumed by it, that whenever I closed my eyes I could see the chess pieces moving all around the board. I was obsessed with correcting all my bad moves. I wondered if a game could ever be played without a mistake. I'd love to play you sometime. I'm so impressed by the way you embraced your passion. You'd make a great CSI. This last one was brilliant. You studied our crime scene so well, tracking the car to the junkyard, and then towing it all the way out to the desert where you knew we wouldn't find it. And then, the way you killed Sara.

Natalie: [shaking her head] I didn't kill her.

Gil Grissom: You didn't?

[Natalie shakes her head]

Natalie: This is about her. Her, her, her. It's always about her.

Gil Grissom: No, it isn't Natalie. It's about you.

[Natalie cuts him off]

Natalie: It's always about her.

[she takes a blade from her mouth and slashes Grissom's throat and watches as he bleeds. Then in a baby voice]

Natalie: Oh sad was the day for the little bisque doll, for they cut all her stitches away, and found the seat of the terrible ache. T'was a delicate task...

Gil Grissom: [not cut, for it was all in her imagination] Natalie listen to me. Tell me where she is.

Natalie: For none of the doctor's had ever before...

Gil Grissom: Natalie.

Natalie: ...performed on a dolly's inside...

Gil Grissom: Please tell me where Sara is.

Natalie: ...They tried to re-stuff her, but didn't know how, and this was her wail as she died...

Gil Grissom: [yelling] Stop it! Just stop this!

[shaking her]

Gil Grissom: Tell me where Sara is!

Natalie: ...I've got a pain in my sawdust. That's what's the matter with me.

[voice over, over turned car]

Natalie:: Something is wrong on my inside. I'm just as sick as can be. Don't let me faint, someone get a fan.

[a hand clawing at the ground from under the car]

Natalie:: Someone please run for the medicine man. Everyone hurry as fast as you can, 'cause I've got a pain in my sawdust.

---

Catherine Willows:: Okay... we're in a David Lynch movie. Where's the dwarf?

---

Gil Grissom:: My God. She was at the crime scene.

Nick Stokes:: So she salvages the car, and somehow gets it out to the desert, and grabs Sara, and puts her under it?

Warrick Brown:: I don't get it. What does Sara have to do with bleach?

Catherine Willows:: I don't know. This just feels different.

Gil Grissom:: It is different.

[flashback to crime scene where Grissom takes a camera from Sara and caresses her arm]

Gil Grissom:: This girl holds me responsible for the death of Ernie Dell. I took away the only person she ever loved, so she's gonna do the same thing to me

[everyone looks confused]

---

Captain Jim Brass:: I don't want to waste time screwing around with this nut case. I'm going to get some bleach, and drip it on her until she gives up the location. I mean they can't accuse us of police brutality for that.

---

Gil Grissom:: I found a thriving miniature hobbyist community on-line. Sites where people meet, chat, exchange building tips, list stores they shop in.

Nick Stokes:: [looking at the miniature of Grissom's office] So that's why you built this thing? I mean... other then to creep us all out?

---

Catherine Willows:: A grown man, sticks his hand up the back of a doll, and speaks like a girl. Sounds healthy.

---

Gil Grissom:: Somebody likes it cold.

Captain Jim Brass:: Las Vegas in May plus global warming.

---

Captain Jim Brass:: What's the matter Gil, lost your interest in dead bodies?

[edit] Season 8

[edit] Dead Doll [8.1]

Grissom: Where is she, Catherine? It's 110 degrees, she's been out here all day, without water, she's disorientated, she's...she's -- dehydrated...
Catherine: She's a survivor.

---

Sara: Natalie. Natalie Davis. I know who you are. I know alot about you. You make miniatures. I've seen you before, right? You work in the lab, in the cleaning crew. I'm so sorry about hitting you back there. I guess, uh, I have a fear of trunks. In my job, you only find one thing in them. We actually have a lot in common, you know. I was a foster kid, too. Happy happy, joy joy. (Sara laughs) I do know what it's like to be alone, afraid nobody's ever going to be there for you.
Natalie:(whispering) Ernie was.
Sara: Yes, he was. That's true, Natalie. I lost my father too. I know that Ernie loved you. He would not have wanted you to do this.
Natalie:(whispering) Ernie loved me more than Grissom could ever love you.
Sara: Grissom. I know what this is about. Natalie? What did you put in the water? Natalie. Huh? (Sara passes out)

[edit] A La Cart [8.2]

Warrick: It's a crowded restaurant, somebody must have seen something.
Brass: Not exactly, welcome to the latest fad, dining in the dark. (presses a remote that makes the room pitch black) The waiters are blind. No one sees anything. Piece of cake, huh?
Catherine: Did he just leave?
Warrick: I think so.
David (anxiously): Guys... I have a dead body here..

---

Grissom: When did you tell Ecklie we got involved?
Sara: Two years ago. Why, what did you tell him?
Grissom: Nine years ago.
Sara (laughs): The Forensic Academy conference.
Grissom: Yeah. You, uh, had too many questions about anthropology for some reason.
Sara: Well, I was stalling. I was trying to get the nerve to ask you to dinner.
Grissom: You had a ponytail.
Sara: I'm gonna move to swing.
Grissom: We talked about this.
Sara: I know that you said you would do it but I don't wanna do that to the team. Besides, I am sure that I could use more daylight in my life. (long pause) We should go.
Grissom: Yeah.

---

Ecklie: You've been dodging me, it's time to talk. Gil, nobody wants to hear about your love life less than I do, but since you didn't handle this right, I have to take a formal statement. (Grissom stares at him)It should have been a conversation between friends. I mean, we could find someway around this. Catherine could have done Sara's evaluations. Why didn't you just tell me?
Grissom: We didn't want you to know.
Ecklie: Don't most women like the world to know they are dating someone?
Grissom: Where do you get your information about women, Conrad?
Ecklie (pauses): Okay... so when did you two... you know...
Grissom: Nine years ago.
Ecklie: You know what? You two need to get your stories straight.

---

Ecklie: Hey, how's the arm?
Sara: Fractured in two places. (Ecklie tries to call Grissom, no answer, so he leaves a message on his phone)
Ecklie: Is it feeling better?
Sara: Yeah.
Ecklie: So, you must know where he is.
Sara: Actually, I don't.
Ecklie: Really? Um... (pauses) Look, I don't wanna play any games here, this is as difficult for me as it is for you. So, let's just get this over with, shall we? Okay, then, this is an adminstrative inquiry. You and your supervisor were in direct violation of lab policies.
Sara: Are.
Ecklie (pauses for a second): Are. In direct violation of lab policies, which states that members of the same forensic team may not engage in a romantic relationship. So, when did you and Supervisor Grissom begin your relationship?
Sara: Well, we've always had a relationship.
Ecklie (pauses, looks uncomfortable): I mean... when did you become intimate?
Sara: Two years ago. I think it was a Sunday.

---

Nick (talking about go karts) You know, when I was a kid I used to make these things out of lunch trays and old lawn mower engines.
Greg: When I was a kid, I used to make bombs.
Nick: (looks at Greg)
Greg: (holds his fingers up to indicate "small") little bombs.

[edit] Go To Hell [8.3]

[edit] The Case of the Cross-Dressing Carp [8.4]

Grissom: Oh, I love it when you dress up.

Sara: Well, you know whatever it takes to get some time with you. How's the study going? Any signs of colony-collapse disorder?

Grissom: Nope, so far, it's healthy.

Sara: Nothing too healthy about smoking.

Grissom: Well, the scent confuses the guard bees, they won't emit the pheromone that tells the colony there's an intruder.

Sara: Oh, don't worry, he's harmless. Who's who?

Grissom: These are the workers, infertile females.

Sara: They don't sting?

Grissom: Well, not unless you swat one, close one up in your hand or freak out. Go ahead, take off your glove.

Sara: All right, I trust you.

Grissom: See, it's cool. The worker bees defend the hive, procure the pollen, make the honey, nurture the larvae and pupae in each of these group cells...you know, maybe we should get married.

The bee on her hand stings her:

Grissom: Don't pick it out, makes it worse, releases the venom into the blood stream. It's better to scrape it. So, er, what do you think you know about-

Sara: -Yes. Let's do it.

Grissom: Yeah.

She laughs, they try to kiss but have trouble in the bee suits

[edit] The Chick Chop Flick Shop [8.5]

Wendy Simms: I don't have huge breasts. Mine are kind of ... medium.

David Hodges: But perfect ...

(Wendy turns and glares at Hodges.)

Hodges: --ly adequate. Better, in fact.

[edit] Who and What [8.6]

Grissom: I'll call in some additional AV techs to help Archie get through the footage, but you know, I've learned that sometimes you can go faster by going slow.

Agent Jack Malone: Yeah, well I like to go faster by going fast. Waiting around isn't really my best thing.

Grissom:: I've gathered that from your interrogation technique. You know, maybe you should go back to your hotel and take a nap.

Agent Jack Malone: [looks around] Is this your office? Really? I mean, by choice? It's not some kind of, uh, surplus overflow issue?

Grissom: What's wrong with my office?

Agent Jack Malone: Oh, I don't know. Uh, [Looks at pig in jar] why don't you tell me. [Puts on glasses for a closer look]

Grissom: That's an irradiated fetal pig. I used it to determine the effects of radiation on tissue.

Agent Jack Malone: For what?

Grissom: For fun.

[edit] Goodbye And Good Luck [8.7]

[edit] You Kill Me [8.8]

[edit] Cockroaches [8.9]

[edit] Lying Down With Dogs [8.10]

[edit] Bull [8.11]

[edit] Grissom's Divine Comedy [8.12]

[edit] A Thousand Days On Earth [8.13]

[edit] Drops' Out [8.14]

[edit] The Theory Of Everything [8.15]

[edit] Two and a Half Deaths [8.16]

Stewart Lytle: [Watching Wendy perform an experiment and thinking out loud] Beautiful people...doing high-tech police work. This could be a series.

Nick Stokes: I don't think so.

[edit] For Gedda [8.17]

[edit] Season 9

[edit] For Warrick [9.1]

[edit] The Happy Place [9.2]

[edit] Art Imitates Life [9.3]

[edit] Let It Bleed [9.4]

[edit] Leave Out All The Rest [9.5]

[edit] Say Uncle [9.6]

[edit] Woulda, Coulda, Shoulda [9.7]

[edit] Young Man With A Horn [9.8]

[edit] 19 Down [9.9]

[edit] One To Go [9.10]

[edit] The Grave Shift [9.11]

[edit] Disarmed And Dangerous [9.12]

[edit] Deep-Fried and Minty-Fresh [9.13]

[edit] Miscarriage Of Justice [9.14]

[edit] Kill Me If You Can [9.15]

[edit] Turn, Turn, Turn [9.16]

[edit] No Way Out [9.17]

[edit] Mascara [9.18]

[edit] The Descent Of Man [9.19]

[edit] A Space Oddity [9.20]

[edit] If I Had A Hammer....[9.21]

[edit] The Gone-Dead Train [9.22]

[edit] Hog Heaven [9.23]

[edit] All In [9.24]

[edit] Season 10

[edit] Family Affair [10.1]

[edit] Ghost Town [10.2]

[edit] Working Stiffs [10.3]

[edit] Coup de Grace [10.4]

[edit] Blood Sport [10.5]

[edit] Death And The Maiden [10.6]

[edit] The Lost Girl [10.7]

[edit] The Lost Girls [10.8]

Ray: What's a weather girl from Barstow doing turning tricks in Vegas?

Nick: These days, it seems like everybody has a second job.

[edit] Lovers' Lane [10.9]

[edit] [10.10]

[edit] [10.11]

[edit] [10.12]

[edit] Cast

• William Petersen - Gil Grissom
• Marg Helgenberger - Catherine Willows
• Jorja Fox - Sara Sidle
• George Eads - Nick Stokes
• Gary Dourdan - Warrick Brown
• Paul Guilfoyle - Captain Jim Brass
• Eric Szmanda - Greg Sanders
• Robert David Hall - Dr. Al Robbins
• Wallace Langham - David Hodges
• Louise Lombard - Sofia Curtis

[edit] External links

• CSI: Crime Scene Investigation quotes at the Internet Movie Database
• CSI: Crime Scene Investigation at TV.com
• CBS' official CSI website
• CSI Planet