Californication (TV series)
From Wikiquote
Californication is a Showtime 12-part series production created by Tom Kapinos and starring David Duchovny as Hank Moody, a troubled novelist whose move to Los Angeles and problems with his job complicate the relationships with his ex-girlfriend Karen (Natascha McElhone) and daughter Becca (Madeleine Martin).
Contents |
[edit] Season One
[edit] Pilot
- Hank Moody: (pointing at Jesus on cross) I was just having a little chat with your husband here.
- Nun: Is there anything that I can help you with?
- Hank Moody: Oh no, I don't want to bother a real live person about it.
- Hank Moody: Well, to make a long story short, I can't write, which kinda sucks, since I'm supposed to be a writer. And a professional one at that.
- Hank Moody: [getting a blow job from a nun] Sweet baby Jesus, Hank is going to hell.
- Becca: Father?
- Hank Moody: Daughter?
- Becca: Why is there a naked lady in your room?
- Hank Moody: Uh... You. Stay.
- Becca: There's no hair on her vagina. Do you think she's okay?
- Hank Moody: I'll check.
- Hank Moody: So, not only are you a cadaverous lay, you also have shitty taste in movies.
- Hank Moody: [getting the Evil Eye from Karen] Oh, I know that look. That's the look that shrivels me testes.
- Hank Moody: I’m fine, I’m disgusted with my life and my self. But I’m not unhappy about that. How are you?
- Hank Moody: It's not whether you win or you lose, it's how you play the game.
[edit] Hell-A Woman
- Hank Moody: HelL-A Magazine blog number 1. Hank hates you all. A few things I've learned on my travels through this crazy little thing called life. One, a morning of awkwardness is far better than a night of loneliness. Two, I probably won't go down in history, but I will go down on your sister. And 3, while I'm down there it might be nice to see a hint of pubis. I'm not talking about a huge 70's Playboy bush or anything. Just something that reminds me that I'm performing cunnilingus on an adult. But I guess the larger question is why is the city of angels so hell bent on destroying its female population.
- Hank Moody: [looking in a bathroom mirror] Nobody likes you, you're ugly and your mother dresses you funny. Now smile, you douche.
- Hank Moody: [about a painting] What the fuck is that?
- Bill Lewis: Oh, you like it? I could have bought a car instead.
- Hank Moody: I think you should still buy the car and then run over whoever created that turd.
- Hank Moody: Well, your breasts are obviously real... and... eh... you have an abundance of pubic hair, which is really nice and... eh... there's no evidence of vaginal rejuvenation. I'd say, aside from the fact that you worship a space alien, you just might be the most beautiful woman I've seen in a long, long time
[edit] The Whore of Babylon
- Meredith: My baby.
- Hank Moody: You have a baby with married guy? Holy fuck!
- Meredith: No, my dog, Cat Stevens.
- Hank Moody: You have a dog named Cat Stevens? Holy fuck!
- Hank Moody: What the fuck do you want?
- Mia Lewis: I'm late.
- Hank Moody: What? That's not possible. I...I...I...I...I...I...I wore a condom. That's... that would be like, uh, the immaculate conception. And you, you're the one who... y, you... and then you left.
- Mia Lewis: I'm late for school.
- Hank Moody: [trying to lure a dog named Cat Stevens] Hey, Cat Stevens. C'mere, Cat. Come here. I'll take you away from all this. Cat... Yusuf Islam. Peace Train's a good song. C'mere, Cat. C'mere.
[edit] Fear and Loathing at the Fundraiser
- Hank Moody: Oh, big boy... are you crying?
- Charlie Runkle: A little.
- Hank Moody: Jesus Christ.
- Becca Moody: Have you had the sex?
- Hank Moody: [catching Charlie photographing his secretary] Holy Fuck-nuts!
- Charlie Runkle: Shit! [falls over]
[edit] LOL
- Hank Moody: I love women. I have all their albums.
- Hank Moody: (to Meredith) Try not to forget all the times I brought you to fruition. 33 to be exact.
- Hank Moody: Hey. You know, it's not fair to say BRB and then never actually BRB.
- Hank Moody: 'B' to the 'I' to the double 'L'. What's up, my nig nog?
- Bill Lewis: I need to talk to you.
- Hank Moody: Well, you should have called. I wouldn't have answered, but you could've left a message, which I would have quickly erased.
- Radio show host: What's your latest obsession?
- Hank Moody: Just the fact that people seem to be getting dumber and dumber. You know, I mean we have all this amazing technology and yet computers have turned into basically four figure wank machines. The internet was supposed to set us free, democratize us, but all it's really given us is Howard Dean's aborted candidacy and 24 hour a day access to kiddie porn. People... they don't write anymore, they blog. Instead of talking, they text, no punctuation, no grammar: LOL this and LMFAO that. You know, it just seems to me it's just a bunch of stupid people pseudo-communicating with a bunch of other stupid people at a proto-language that resembles more what cavemen used to speak than the King's English.
- Radio show host: Yet you're part of the problem, I mean you're out there blogging with the best of them.
- Hank Moody: Hence my self-loathing.
- Marcy Runkle: You can have the ass if you want.
- Charlie Runkle: You can keep it.
[edit] Absinthe Makes the Heart Grow Fonder
- Mia Gross:: Rome is burning, he said, as he poured himself another drink. Yet, here I am knee deep in another river of pussy. Here it comes, she thought. Another self indulgent, whiskey soaked, diatribe about how fucking great everything was in the past. And how all us poor souls born too late to see the Stones at - wherever, or snort the good coke that they had at Studio 54 - well, we all just missed out on practically everything worth living for. And the worst part was, she agreed with him. Here we are, she thought, at the edge of the world - the very edge of western civilization and all of us are so desperate to feel something... anything... that we keep falling into each other and fucking our way toward the end of days.
[edit] Girls, Interrupted
Hank Moody: "Just because something is bleak doesn't necessarily make it true."
Becca Moody: "It's all well and good to talk about happy endings, but if a person can't deliver, if he keeps screwing up, well eventually I guess you kinda just have to say 'fuck you'...or words to that effect."
Marcy Runkle: "I want the little one; she looks like she knows things."
[edit] California Son
- Hank Moody: You can't snort a line of coke off a woman’s ass and not wonder about her hopes and dreams, it's not gentlemanly.
- Hank Moody: He used to call you a walking penis!
- Hank Moody (after being punched): Ow! Your pimp hand is strong!
- Trixy: No! Not in the face. He's too cute.
- Al Moody: "Life's too short to dance with fat chicks."
[edit] Filthy Lucre
[edit] The Devil's Threesome
Hank Moody: Come again... so to speak.
Karen: I question everything.
[edit] Turn the Page
[edit] The Last Waltz
- Hank Moody: All those things that weren't supposed to happen? They happened. But what happens next is up to you.
- Karen: Go, before I change my mind!
- Mia: What are you gonna do, spank me?
- Charlie: You girls talk about everything, don't you?
- Mia: It ain't over till it's over!
- Priest: If anyone should see any cause why these two should not be wed, speak now, or forever hold your peace.
- Mia: Yoo-hoo? Over here.
- Becca:You're tragically flawed, dad, but you've got a good heart.
[edit] Season Three
[edit] Wish You Were Here
- Charlie:If you weren't too busy bringing every unemployed actor with a cougar fetish back to my house...
[edit] The Land of Rape and Honey
- Hank Moody: When did you become such a little snot?
- Charlie: A rape fantasy? That is just sick Marcy.
- Marcy: Sick? I'm sick? After some of the twisted and depraved shit I have seen you do?
[edit] Verities & Balderdash
- Hank Moody: No means no, you know.
[edit] Unsorted
[edit] Hank Moody
- All women are beautiful in one way or another; theres always something about everyone of you; a smile , curve, secret.
- Right before you cum, call me Bill !
- Don't look at me like that. I love all women. I love you. I'll make a run at you right now.
- Never stick your finger up a man's ass without warning.
- Trixy? That's a great name. If you're a hooker!
- Don't tell me what to feel. All my fucking life people tellin me I do things wrong and I am the fucking asshole. And I see everyone around is infinitely more fucked up than I am.
- Wine is fine, but whiskey is quicker.
- That's right mother fucker.
- Get ready for Thor's Hammer!
- Oh look at the clock, the big hand says 'fuck' and the little hand says 'off'
- You know, most people they go their whole life and they never really find someone they love. They say they do, because everybody is the star of their own little romantic comedy, but they're full of shit.
- Dear Karen,
If you're reading this, it means I actually worked up the courage to mail it so good for me. You don’t know me very well, but if you get me started I tend to go on and on about how hard the writing is for me. This is the hardest thing I ever had to write. There no easy way to say this so I’ll just say it, I met someone. It was an accident, I wasn’t looking for it, I wasn’t one the make it was a perfect storm. She said one thing and I said another and the next thing I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life in the middle of that conversation. Now there this feeling in my gut that she might be the one. She completely nuts in a way that makes me smile highly neurotic, a great deal of maintenance acquired. She is you Karen, that’s the good news. The bad news is that I don't know how to be with you right now, and that scares the shit out of me. Because if I am not with you right now I have this feeling we will get lost out there. It’s a big bad world full or twist and turns and people have a way of blinking and missing the moment. The moment that could of changed everything. I don’t know what’s going on with us and I can’t tell you should waste a leap of faith on the likes of me. But damn you smell good, like home and you make excellent coffee that has to count for something. Call me! Unfaithfully yours, Hank Moody
