Conker's Bad Fur Day

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Conker's Bad Fur Day is a Nintendo 64 video game made by Rareware that was marketed as an adult platform game.

Contents 1 Opening 2 Scarecrow Birdy 3 The Gothic Gargoyle 4 Gregg the Grim Reaper 5 The Great Mighty Poo 6 Paintpot and Paintbrush 7 Final Line

[edit] Opening

Well...There I am...Conker the king, king of all the land! Who'd of thought that? "But how did it come ta this?", I hear ya say. "And who are those strange fellows that surround my throne?", I hear you also say. Well, it's a long story. Come closer, and I'll tell ya. It all started yesterday, and what a day that was. It was the kinda day that I call...A Bad Fur Day.

[edit] Scarecrow Birdy

Conker walks up to Birdy.

Birdy: Uh. Who are you?

Conker: Oh. Hello. Can you help me? I need to get home and go to bed 'cause I don't feel very well at all.

Birdy: Er. Home? Nooo. Noo.

Conker: Oh. So you can't help me at all.

Birdy: Actually … yeah … yes, I can... Maybe.

Conker: Um … okay … what's your name?

Birdy: Birdy.

Conker: Beardy? But you haven't got a beard.

Birdy: No. Birdy. I scare birdies.

Conker: Okay, Birdy. So, how can you help me?

Birdy: Right. Step over here.

Conker steps on the B pad.

Birdy: You see those buttons? Actually you'll find that, eh … eh, they're called context sensitive. Hehehe. And … eh … well, actually … they, eh … press B.

Conker: Press B?

Birdy: Oh yeah. The light comes on and it makes this noise. Ting! Ting noise. It goes ting.

Lightbulb appears over Conker and goes Ting!

Birdy: There you go. Ting … that's it.

Conker: That's it?

Birdy: Yeah.

Conker: Okay, I'll press B.

Pressing B causes Conker to pull out a bottle of beer.

Conker: Ohhh.

Birdy: Eh. I don't mind if I do.

Birdy chugs the beer.

Conker: So … what does that mean?

Birdy: It means context sensitive. It's sensitive to context. Try it over there.

Birdy points to other B pad as gate opens up.

Conker: Okay.

Birdy: Or you could try it again.

If you press B again, a bottle of helium will come out. Birdy sprays it in his mouth.

Birdy (in higher voice): Really nice helium. Hehehe.

If you press B yet again, another bottle of beer will come out.

Birdy: Ah. Don't mind if I do. Thank you very much.

Birdy chugs the beer again.

Birdy: Ahh. I'm going to go to bed now. Night-night.

Birdy falls asleep. After pressing B on the new B pad, Conker takes out some Alka-Seltzer, puts it in glass of water, shakes it up, and takes a swig. He gets better and throws the glass away.

Conker: Wow. Just what I needed. In fact, it would seem to me that these give me just what I need at that moment in time … ooh … I see what he means. Context sensitive. Clever … hmm … and I feel loads better! Right. Let's get out of here. Oh, and by the way. If for whatever reason you want to skip all these wonderful cutscenes, then just press the L button. But, you will have to have watched them at least once.

[edit] The Gothic Gargoyle

Conker needs to get across a bridge, but there's a large stone gargoyle laying down on it.

Conker: Ah, who's this guy?

Gargoyle: If you think you're coming this way... you can think again!

Conker: Oh, you're a real charmer. I just wanna get past, please.

Gargoyle: No! I don't think so. I've only just got comfy. Have you ever sat on a piece of Gothic architecture for two hundred years? Gets right up your arse, you know. Thought it was about time to move on to a bridge, say. And I'm not moving now.

Conker: Isn't it a little bit early in the day to start talking about "Gothic architecture"?

Gargoyle: Well, if you care to come a bit closer, we can discuss things of another nature.

[If Conker gets close to the gargoyle, it will grab him, maul him brutally, then throw him off the bridge. However, if you hit him with the frying pan...]

Gargoyole: Ha! A frying pan. [Laughs] You stupid little... [stands up]

Conker: [thinking] See ya.

[The Gargoyle loses his balance and falls off the bridge]

[edit] Gregg the Grim Reaper

The grim reaper calls for Conker first time he dies. The reaper is short and has a squeaky voice, so he uses a poor-quality megaphone in order to sound more intimidating.

Gregg the Grim Reaper: Conker … Conker … Conker … yes you, boy … you're dead! You are dead! Dead as a dodo! Deader than a … [feedback noise, Gregg walks out holding a megaphone] I can't be arsed with this bloody ridiculous contraption! Whose idea was this, anyway? Right, hello! Um … my name's Gregg, the Grim Reaper. And don't laugh!

Conker: Aren't you a little short to be a grim reaper?

Gregg the Grim Reaper: Well, how many grim reapers have you met before, mate? What … what am I supposed to look like?

Conker: Yeah, that's a good point, and well made.

Gregg the Grim Reaper: Now, let's see … ah yes, Conker. Surname?

Conker: The Squirrel.

Gregg the Grim Reaper: The Squirrel. The … oh, bloody hell! You would have to be a sodding squirrel, wouldn't you?

Conker: Why, is there a problem with that?

Gregg the Grim Reaper: Why, yes, there is, actually. It's like those bloody cats, such a pain in the arse! You're one of these special cases.

Conker: Oh, really?

Gregg the Grim Reaper: Yes; apparently, according to the powers that be [points up] – I'm just doing my job, I do what I'm told, I don't even get paid very much – apparently, squirrels can have as many lives as they think they can get away with.

Conker: Oh, I see. So I'm not dead?

Gregg the Grim Reaper: You're dead … but not quite.

Conker: Hah, right. Well, I'll be off then!

Gregg the Grim Reaper: Tshah! Just you wait, smart arse. You don't get out of it that easily. Now, the thing is, you may not be dead, but that doesn't mean you can't die. You just have few more, shall we say … chances. Yeah, like cats. I hate those things. Right! Distributed around your little world are these tail things, squirrel's tails. If you can get them, I'll give you an extra chance. Understand?

Conker: Um … well … sounds a bit strange, but OK.

Gregg the Grim Reaper: Strange? It's the best bloody deal you're going to get, you little prick. Right, that's it! Piss off! I've got some cats to see. Bloody things. I hate those bloody cats. The way they meow and they piss everywhere, and their shit smells just bloody awful, all over my furniture, I just …

• Later in the game, Gregg can be seen swinging his scythe through a pool of water repeatedly, exclaiming "They've got fish versions of the bastards now!" (referring to the catfish in the water.)

Gregg the Grim Reaper: I don't bloody believe it. They've got fish versions of the little bastards now. Come here! I'll show them. Ahhhh! Missed the little fuckers again. I've got your number, mate. It's down to two for you. Ahh! There's a oner. Ha ha, yes. Not long for you now, you little prick.

• Some time later, after you open a big gate.

Gregg the Grim Reaper: Oh! You again. Why don't you piss off! Can't you see I'm busy. I suppose you want to go there now, do you? Where there's lots of money no doubt. One of those rich ancestors of yours. Bloody undead, un-bloody dead. I mean it's even worse than bloody cats. Undead! What's the bloody point!... Um... You may be needing a bit of help. So I've got this. I hate the undead, hate them. It's the only thing that kills them. Shot through the head. Nothing more, nothing less. Here, it's better than that pissing frying pan that's for sure. Take it. That's it! Piss off!

Conker: Hmmm... A shotgun. Yeah. Don't like the sound of zombies though. Still, if he gets on his nerves, the that's all right by me. And what was that about dead ancestors, undead ancestors. Hmmm. Well if he's undead then technically that makes him kind of dead. Which means I should get the inheritance. I mean how bad can a handfull of dead people be. They're dead! Well, undead. Now let's see...Shotgun. I think it's one of those B pressing moments, don't you?

[edit] The Great Mighty Poo

First verse:

Great Mighty Poo:

Ahem-hem. Mi mi mi mi miiiii …

I am the Great Mighty Poo

and I'm going to throw my shit at you.

A huge supply of tish comes from my chocolate starfish.

How about some scat, you little twat?

Second verse:

Great Mighty Poo:

Do you really think you'll survive in here?

You don't seem to know which creek you're in.

Sweet corn is the only thing that makes it through my rear.

How d'you think I keep this lovely grin?

(Have some more caviar!)

Third verse:

Great Mighty Poo:

Now I'm really getting rather mad.

You're like a niggly tiggly shitty little tag-nut.

When I knock you out with all my bab,

I'm going to take your head and ram it up my butt!

Conker: Your butt?

Great Mighty Poo: My butt!

Conker: Your butt?!

Great Mighty Poo: That's right, my butt!

Conker: Err …!

Great Mighty Poo: My butt!

Conker: Agh!

Great Mighty Poo: My Buuuuuuuuutt!

Final quote:

Great Mighty Poo: Ah! You cursed squirrel! Look what you've done! I'm flushing! I'm flushing! Oh, what a world, what a world! Who'd have thought a good little squirrel like you could destroy my beautiful clagginess! Ah! I'm going! Oh! Ahh! No! Aaaaaaah!

Conker: Huh huh! Now that's what I call a bowel movement!

[edit] Paintpot and Paintbrush

Paintpot: I've seen some kicking ass in my time, and that was the shittiest, crapest, crappiest, shittiest kick ass I've ever seen.

Paintbrush: Yeah, that was pretty crap. As far as kickin' ass goes, it was abysmal, and you is a shitty bastard, stupid bastard.

Paintpot: So what are you gonna do now, kill yourself? 'Cause that's what I'd recommend.

Paintbrush: Yeah, you should kill yourself, we got a rope don't we?

Paintpot: Yeah, we got a rope!

Franky the Pitchfork: What kinda friends are you… in that case I is gonna kill myself, I'm gonna kill myself right now. That's all there is to it. Fuck you!

• After hanging on a noose for a few minutes:

Paintpot: What are you doing? (laughs) You stupid bastard,(laughs again) he hasn't even got a neck.

Paintbrush: Yeah, look at him hanging up there. Stupid bastard hasn't even got a neck. He hasn't got a neck, has he?

Paintpot: I already said that! Shut up!

Paintbrush: Oh. Okay.

• After Conker cuts Franky down:

Paintpot: What'd you do that for? Dumb shit.

Paintbrush: Yeah, dumb shit.

Paintpot: Why is it that you have to repeat everything I say?

Paintbrush: I don't repeat everything tha...do I?

Paintpot:: Yes you do, actually.

Paintbrush: Oh. Sorry.

[edit] Final Line

Conker:"So, here I am, King. King of all the land. Who'd have thought that? Huh, not me. I guess you know who these guys are now, because I certainly do. I don't wanna know them. And yup, I may be king, I have all the money in the world... and all the land... and all that stuff. But you know... I don't really think I want it. I just wanna go home, with Berri, and I dunno, have a bottle of beer. HHMMM.... It's not gonna happen. It's true what they say, 'The grass is always greener, and you don't really know what you have, until it's gone..Gone...Gone..."