Harmful If Swallowed (2003)
- I saw this on CNN a few days ago. In New York these cops freaked out. They shot at this guy 15 times 'cause they thought he was holding a grenade. HE WAS EATING A PEAR!! How do you fuck that up?! Unless he was eating it like "AHHHHHH!" *throws pear* "THAT'S A DELICIOUS PEAR!!!"
- Track 7, " Fireman & Policeman & Miniature Golf Course Security Guard "
- Just go to an airport, stand in front of a person who is waiting for their flight, and stare at them until they notice you are there. When they look at you, just say "Don't get on the flight" and walk away. You know they're sitting there going "I don’t think I should get on this fucking flight.. I think an angel just told me not to get on this flight.. Thank you angel wearing jeans!"
- Track 16, "Pranks"
- I was being chased by a giant crab. [Audience laughs] That's not funny.
- Track 20, "Nightmare"
- So I'm hanging out with all my buddies and um... I realized something. Think of the group of people you've known the longest in your life. Think of the group of friends that you've hung out with the most. Maybe you are all here tonight. And this is what I've realized. I had an epiphany and here it is right here. There's one person in every group of friends that nobody fucking likes. You basically keep them there to hate their guts. When that person is not around your little base camp, your hobby is cutting that person down. Example: Karen is always a douchebag. Every group has a Karen and she is always a bag of douche. And when she's not around you just look at each other go: "God Karen, she's such a douchebag. Until she walks up and then you're like: "Hey what's up Karen? Kaaaaren, what's up Karen?" There's always that one person and I'm looking out and some of you guys are like: "Hmmm, I disagree." Well you're the person...you're the person nobody likes."
- When you don't have love, it's like there's a party going on, and everybody was invited, except for you. And you just happened to be walking by that house in the rain... (sigh) "I wasn't invited to this party." But then, once you're IN love, that's like being inside that party, going "Where's my jacket? I wanna get outta here. where's my jacket? I been to this party six years and I wanna see other parties! Where's my jacket. Someone shit on the coats. I think someone shit on, about, or around the coats."
- Time machine... wouldn't you like to travel through time? I would. I'd go back... mess with people. You know what I would do? I would go back to when my mom and dad were having sex, to have me. Ya'know, come in, spank my dad on the ass *smack* I'M YOUR SON FROM THE FUTURE!! AAAAAAHAHAHHAHAHAHA! *smack* I'M FROM THE FUTURE!! I'M YOUR SON!! AHAHAHAHAHAHAH
- I've heard on the news that they are thinking of putting microchips inside babies so that if they ever get kidnapped that you can track them on Google. But what if technology fails? Well here is my solution: next to the microchip, put a fucking detonator. Listen, if I can't have my baby, nobody can!!!
- "You told your mother I was gonna blow you up with a fucking pumpkin bomb? What did she say?" "She. Was. Terrified. She wants me to move home."
- I invite her back to my apartment, or as I call it, the "Death Star." I'm still working on it, it's not completely operational.
Vicious Circle (2006)
- We're all gonna lie, we're all gonna cry, and we're all gonna take painful shits.
- ARE THERE GLASS SHARDS IN MY ANUS?
- By the way, I say God bless you when someone sneezes.. I never say bless you. Do you want to know why? Because I'm not the Lord! I can't do that . . . I'm just a messenger for the big guns up stairs. And I never say gesundheit, who even says that? If I say gesundheit, I'll feel like I'm honoring Hitler or something. GESUNGHEIT!!! ...yes .I'll end up on the History Channel because someone sneezed.
- Every time you come in from cheating on someone, they'll just whip out the most adorable term of endearment. Like, they'll wake up, bright and early, sleep in their eyes and say: "Hey, perfect."
- Who doesn't like movies? Who has ever said, "Hey, you wanna go see a movie?" "Fuck that and fuck your movies! It’s ridiculous, the whole idea of it! It’s just wrong and fake and NO!"
- Now let's fight for three days because I'm bored!
- You know I am glad he is an atheist. Because wouldn't it be great that while he is doing his little tree thing, i know they do a lot of work with breezes, through the woods a huge sweaty guy with an ax comes long, sees him " chop-chop", puts a chain around him, drag him through the mud and the muck, throws him into a sawmill and grinds him up " NEEEEEEEEEEE", then you pound him down into paper, and once he's paper, you print the Bible on him.
"When somebody gives you directions, don't you get so anal about their directions, they give you them and the entire time driving your like cutting down their directions, right? Their like take a left at the red house, thats fucking maroon you idiot! Why is it the street you're looking for always has a tree from the Mesozoic Era growing around the sign, your looking for like Mount Vernon and all you see is like the N for Vernon, and you drive by going, that was probably it. Theres always a point in the directions when it says "if you hit the train tracks, uh you've gone too far" and right then *CUCLUNK*..FUCK!"
Rough Around the Edges (2007)
- The reason I like to watch stuff about the Civil War is because I believe that I was in the Civil War. I went to a clairvoyant and she told me in a past life, she goes "You were in the Civil War." And I said I feel this. Because when I watch programs about the Civil War, sometimes, I feel like I know people. I'm like "There's James!" "Lloyd! I would know you, you fangle-tooth motherfucker! Go build that railroad."
Isolated Incident (2009)
- You ever do a little delete game? Do you like to do that? You go through, you take your contact list, sometimes you're just in the doctor's office right? You start scrolling through, you're like...who don't I need? Who don't I need in my life? Where can I get a megabyte of space back right now? And it's kinda fun right? You just scroll through...er Peter, Peter, yeah fuck Peter, BOOM! And you really hit that delete button like you're deleting Peter from existence. Peter is sitting half way around the world eating a steak and the second you hit that button he just turns to vapor: VVVVVVVV!! The fork falls: Tingtingtingelingtingting! The person that's sitting across him is like: "PETER!". Peter is gone. Poof!
- [To girlfriend about the "What you do if" challenge] "What would you do if" I came out of your mother's bedroom, covered in blood, going "We gotta get outta here!"?