Daria
From Wikiquote
Daria, (1997-2002), is an animated American television series that aired on MTV. The show chronicles the life of Daria Morgendorffer, the witty and cynical protagonist that acts as the commentator and critic, with her best friend Jane Lane, of their upper-middle class suburban town of Lawndale.
[edit] Season One
[edit] Sealed With A Kick
- This is the first unaired short of Daria, which mainly intended to show MTV executives the look and feel of the show. After Daria forgets to give Kevin back the pencil she borrowed from him, the not-so-sharp QB becomes convinced of her romantic feelings toward him.
- Kevin: Let's not play games, Daria. You desire me, don't you?
- Daria: Uh, excuse me?
- Kevin: I can tell. It's like a fifth sense I got.
- Daria: I just got blown off by a guy I didn't even go after.
- Jane: You should find a safe, legal alternative to killing him.
- Daria: I already have. When I get through with him, there'll be nothing left but jelly.
- Jane: Well, you won't have to do anything to his brain.
[edit] Esteemsters [1.01]
- It's the first day at a new school for Daria and her sister Quinn. While Quinn is immediately accepted by the popular crowd, Daria is targeted for having low self-esteem after she smart-mouths her way through a school mandated psychological exam.
- Mrs. Manson: Now, Dora, let's see if you can make up a story as vivid as your sister's.
- Daria: It's Daria.
- Mrs. Manson: I'm sorry... Daria. What do you see in the picture, Dara?
- Daria: Um... a herd of beautiful wild ponies running free across the plains.
- Mrs. Manson: Uh, there aren't any ponies. It's two people.
- Daria: Last time I took one of these tests they told me they were clouds. They said they could be whatever I wanted.
- Mrs. Manson: That's a different test, dear. In this test, they're people and you tell me what they're discussing.
- Daria: Oh... I see. All right, then. It's a guy and a girl and they're discussing... a herd of beautiful wild ponies running free across the plains.
- Mr. DeMartino: Son, promise me you'll come back and see me some day, when you've got the Heisman Trophy and a chain of auto-dealerships and I'M saving up for a second pair of pants! Will you promise me that, Kevin?
- Kevin: [no trace of irony] Sure!
[edit] The Invitation [1.02]
- After helping out Brittany with an art class assignment, Daria is invited an upcoming party.
- Brittany: I love being the hostess. It's so easy to get home at the end of the night.
- Jane: Thanks for the ride, Trent.
- Trent: No problem. I needed a break anyway. I've been practicing for ten hours straight.
- Jane: Daria, would you say sleeping with a guitar in your hands counts as practicing?
- Trent: As long as you don't drop it.
[edit] College Bored [1.03]
- During a visit to Jake and Helen's alma mater, each of the Morgendorffers wander off to experience the realities of college.
- Quinn: I think people who run over animals should get run over themselves to see how they like it.
- Daria: What about unpopular animals?
- Quinn: Unpopular animals don't count.
- Daria: What about the stupid ones?
- Daria: Okay, look, I'm not going to rewrite this paper for you, but I will give you a couple of tips that will help you rewrite it. First, the book title Sons and Lovers does not have an apostrophe in it... anywhere. Second, unless your ex-boyfriend is an authority on D.H. Lawrence, don't base your thesis on something he said while making out.
- College Girl: Mm. What about something he said when we broke up?
- Daria: No.
- College Girl: Mmm. Okay, thanks. [hands Daria money and leaves]
- Daria: Thank you, and good luck with the doctorate.
[edit] Cafe Disaffecto [1.04]
- Mr. O'Neill decides to start a coffee house for Lawndale's youth to interact when the local cybercafé is vandalized. Daria is forced to do a reading there on its opening night when threatened with a summer of music camp.
- Jane: No way baby.
- Daria: Come on. Do it for friendship.
- Jane: I have no friends. I walk alone.
- Daria: Well then do it for sisterhood or something.
- Jane: Are you nuts?
- Daria: Then do it for the opportunity to look inside people's houses and find out what screwed up tastes they have.
- Jane: I'm bringing a Polaroid.
- Daria: She was hypoglycemic. The chocolate would have killed her.
- Jane: She passed out while we were standing there.
- Mrs Li: Did she ask you to feed her the chocolate?
- Daria: No.
- Mrs Li: How do you know it wasn't for her family?
- Jane: She has no family. She ate them.
[edit] Malled [1.05]
- Daria is forced to go the region's Mecca of consumerism, the Mall of the Millennium, for her Economics class, only to find Quinn already there against their parents' wishes.
- Jane: I didn't know you got car sick.
- Daria: I don't, usually. It's the fumes. It smells like- it smells like-
- Jane: Teen spirit?
- Daria: Cheap perfume.
- Jane: Brittany must be working up a sweat.
- [Jane is in Scissor Wizard barbershop]
- Hairdresser: Which TV show do you want your style from? Most of our clients go for a sitcom. Although you're more the "movie of the week" type. I have TV Guide if you want to browse.
- Jane: Have you ever seen Sick, Sad World?
- Hairdresser: No.
- Daria: How about Animal Maulings on home video?
- Jane: Yeah! I'd love to have hair like that woman who was molested by the kangaroo.
- Daria: Really? She looks so everyday.
- Jane: I mean after she was molested.
- Daria: Oh...
[edit] This Year's Model [1.06]
- Lawndale High is in an uproar when two talent scouts for the Amazon Modeling Agency, Claude and Romonica, visit the school to recruit potential models from the student body.
- Mr. O'Neill: Is Mr. Thoreau really turning his back on the world by moving to Walden Pond, or is he, by his example, trying desperately to save the world after all? [looks at Brittany] Normandy?
- Brittany: [angrily] Brittany. He wasn't on Walden Pond because he hated the world. He was just mad at Jane Fonda. You know, he was her father in real life, too.
- Daria: Isn't modeling for people who drop out of high school to pursue a career based solely on youth and looks, both of which are inevitably declared dead at age 25?
- Ms. Li: Do you have a point, Ms. Morgendorffer?
- Jane: And don't fashion people squander their lives loudly worshiping all that is superficial and meaningless while the planet keeps riding a roller coaster to hell?
- Ms. Li: Modeling is a competitive field, yes, but the financial rewards are great. As principal, I'd be cheating our student body if I didn't allow them every opportunity to fulfill their potential.
- Daria: Excuse me. Can we assume the financial rewards are great for the school as well?
- Ms. Li: That is really none of your business!
- Daria: But I don't want to miss a lesson in applied economics. I'm trying to fulfill my potential. [Daria innocently grins]
[edit] The Lab Brat [1.07]
- Daria and Kevin are partnered up for a science project, against the will of Brittany (and Daria, for that matter) who suspects that Daria maybe trying to lure Kevin away from her.
- Ms. Barch: If only men could be more like rats. Oh, sure, they come home at first. You feed them, you wait on them, and then, after twenty-two thankless years, they just up and leave. No note, no phone call, no nothing! [slams pointer on desk] Just- like- that!
- Daria: I wonder why he left.
- Daria: Brittany, a deal. The mouse for Kevin.
- Brittany: Deal.
- Daria & Brittany: [thinking] Sucker.
- Brittany: Let's go, Kevin.
- Kevin: Daria, I can still come over and watch the Pigskin Channel, right?
- Daria & Brittany: [thinking] Jerk.
[edit] Pinch Sitter [1.08]
- After studying about cults in school, Daria gets an hands-on encounter when she babysits Tad and Tricia Gupty, a couple of sickeningly sweet children she decideds to de-brainwash.
- Mr. DeMartino: While we continue our discussion of CULTS, can anyone give me another example of a group using cohesive techniques such as peer pressure, chanting, and SOCIAL ISOLATION to achieve control over its members? Brittany?
- Brittany: Cheerleading?
- Mr. DeMartino: Ah Brittany, sometimes despite a complete lack of INSIGHT, you stumble upon an interesting answer.
- Brittany: Wow, and I didn't even read the chapter.
- Daria: Do you always do exactly what adults tell you?
- Tad: Yes!
- Daria: Do you always believe everything they say?
- Tricia: Yup!
- Daria: But what if two adults say exactly opposite things?
- Tad: [starts to cry]
- Daria: [Tricia pulls her hair] Ouch!
- Tricia: You're mean!
[singing along to song on the record player]
- Tad & Tricia: I can hope and I can dream and I am full of- full of- full of- full of self esteem.
[edit] Too Cute [1.09]
- Quinn becomes obsessed with getting plastic surgery after a Fashion Club hopeful shows up to school with a new nose.
- Dr. Shar: Quinn, honey, I like your attitude. You're open to life's possibilities.
- Quinn: I try to be.
- Dr. Shar: But you, Daria, I hate to see such a young lady like yourself give up at such an early age.
- Daria: I don't consider rejecting the Dr. Frankenstein approach "giving up."
- Dr. Shar: It puts a frown on my face, and I don't like having a frown on my face!
- Daria: Maybe you can inject collagen into your lips in the shape of a smile.
- Dr. Shar: This is for you, Daria. [Hands Daria a box] Open it when you've got some free time. Then I want you to examine it, get comfortable with it, and think about it. Change your attitude, hun! Change your life.
- Daria: It's not leftover nose pieces, is it?
- Dr. Shar: Humor may lift your spirits, Daria, but it takes a professional to lift your buttocks. [laughs and slaps Daria on the back] Doctor's joke! Have a nice day, girls, and remember, money can make anybody beautiful.
- Quinn: I'm a mess, and it's gonna cost six-thousand dollars to fix!
- Daria: You're not really gonna take that woman seriously, are you? She earns her living making people feel bad about their looks.
- Quinn: You're just mad because she figured you out. Dr. Shar is really smart about people.
- Daria: [opens box Dr. Shar previously handed to her] Oh yeah, she's got my number, all right. "Dr. Shar's Pre-Implant Temporary Bust Augmentations: For evaluational purposes only." She knew just what I needed: practice boobs.
[edit] The Big House [1.10]
- Daria and Quinn are sentenced to a month of house arrest after the Morgendorffers experiment with Family Court.
- Daria: There's no sadder sight on this earth, than a football player trying to think.
- Jane: Who said that?
- Daria: I believe it was Jefferson.
- Quinn: Well, everybody knows that late curfews should be go to people who can use them: attractive and popular people with lots of friends.
- Daria: Wow! Who said that? Thomas Jefferson? Or was it Barbie?
- Jake: It can't be Jefferson.
- Quinn: Of course not. No pin-headed historical person could ever make that much sense.
[edit] Road Worrier
Daria travels with Jane,her brother, Trent, and his friend, Jesse (both make up half of Mystik Spiral), to Alternapalooza while Quinn travels there with her Fashion Club friends.
- Jane: Daria thinks the name "Mystic Spiral" sounds like a Doors cover band that plays brew pubs. Don't you, Daria?
- Daria: That's not exactly what I-
- Trent: Hmm, maybe you're right. Would it help if we spelled mystic with two y's?
- Daria: [To herself] And I'll spell my name D-A-R-Y-A, and be crowned Miss America. [aloud] It might.
- Jesse: This is like that R.E.M. video. Except you can't read anyone's mind.
- Daria: [subtitle] Thank God.
[edit] The Teachings of Don Jake
- Quinn: So Cinderella said, "I can't go to the ball in these rags." And her fairy godmother waved her wand and behold, she was wearing a gown of silver and gold. Big clunky silver and gold sequins, like you wouldn't wear to one of those seventies nostalgia proms, much less a formal party at a palace. And when she went to check out herself in the mirror, the one that usually made her look thin, instead she looked bloated!
- Helen: Quinn, honey, is this really a scary story?
- Quinn: Wait! I haven't gotten to the shoes yet!
- Quinn: This is really scary, Daria.
- Daria: All right, let's not get panicked. We're going to look at the situation calmly and objectively. Agreed?
- Quinn: OK.
- Daria: We're out in the middle of nowhere, nobody knows we're here, we have no way to contact anyone, and our parents have gone insane.
- Quinn: Yes.
- Daria: [pause] This is really scary, Quinn.
- Quinn: But why did they go insane?
- Daria: Judging by dad's woodland skills, I'd say it was the berries.
- Quinn: It couldn't have been the berries.
- Daria: That's what I think, because you ate the berries and you seem fine.
- Quinn: No, I mean because those weren't the glitter berries.
- Daria: Glitter berries?
- Quinn: You know, the glitter berries! The ones that fill your mouth with beautiful sparkling glitter when you bite into them. Those are the ones that make you act weird. I mean until you spread your shimmering wings and fly away. Daria, you don't have a mirror do you? I wanna check my makeup.
- Daria: You're not wearing makeup.
- Quinn: I'm not?! Oh, no! [reaches down and rubs dirt on her face]
- Daria: Quinn, maybe you better take it easy for a while.
- Helen: [Comes running in, loopy off the berries] Girls! Have you seen your father's Spirit Animal? We were talking to him and suddenly he scampered off!
- Daria: Scampered?
[edit] The Misery Chick
- Mack: I know all about it. Jodie's giving the speech about the new goal post, remember?
- Kevin: Oh yeah! Does she need any help with ideas for that? Like, from a quarterback's point of view.
- Mack: Gee. I'll ask her. When there aren't any sharp objects around.
- Sandi: So like, what's your advice?
- Daria: Find some other way to feel. Then you won't feel sad. Good luck.
- Sandi: That's what I get for ten dollars? Are you kidding?
- Daria: See, it's working already.
- Sandi: [pause] Thanks.
[edit] Season 2
[edit] Arts 'n' Crass
- Brittany: I wanted to tell her I've got a great idea for a poster!
- Daria: Me, too. Mine's going to be about cheerleading.
- Brittany: Oh, no! Now what'll I do?
- Marianne: Helen? It's your daughter's teacher.
- Helen: Tell them I'll make sure Quinn turns in the assignment on Monday, oh and, try to find out what the assignment is and if you could get started making notes on it.
- Marianne: It's your other daughter, I think.
- Helen: Daria? Well then, tell them I'll talk to her about her attitude and try to find out who she insulted and what she said.
[edit] The Daria Hunter
- Daria: I can't shoot my own mother. Not with paint anyway.
- Sandi: Gee, if everyone's on Quinn's side, maybe Quinn should be president of the Fashion Club.
- Quinn: Don't be silly; I would never try to be president. As long as you were around.
[edit] Quinn the Brain
- Daria: Did you just spend two hours dressing up to go the door for one minute and dump your date?
- Quinn: Daria, if you look your best when you blow a guy off, it makes them feel like you care.
- Daria: Well, that advice should prove very helpful. Sometimes your shallowness is so thorough, it's almost like depth.
- Quinn: Thanks.
- Kevin: Babe, I've got a plan.
- Britanny: I bet you do, you.... you.... high school Casablanca!
[edit] I Don't
- Brittany: What about you? Are you in a play or something?
- Daria: Yes. I'm playing Mrs. Lincoln, after she went crazy.
- Brittany: I didn't know she went crazy.
- Jane: Oh, yeah. That's why Lincoln shot himself.
- Brittany: Wow!
- Jodie: Come on, Brittany. Let's finish outfitting, and I'll tell you all about how nice Mr. Lincoln really died.
- Brittany: You mean the bullet didn't kill him?
- Lurman: I'm sorry, what did you say you do? I thought I heard "intelligence", but that can't be right.
[edit] That Was Then, This Is Dumb
- Quinn: Daria, you can't leave me here with those, those... yuppies!
- Daria: Yuppies are from the '80s.
- Quinn: So what do you call people in funny outfits who talk about peace and love and stuff?
- Daria: Trekkies.
- Quinn: Ethan?
- Ethan: Yeah?
- Quinn: You never told me whether you thought I was.... you know.... cute?
- Ethan: Oh. Well sure, you're cute.
- Quinn: Thanks.
- Ethan: In a, you know, shallow, superficial way.
- Quinn: [no trace of irony] Thanks.
[edit] Monster
- Quinn: I can't wait to see it. I just hope I don't sound stupid or anything. Not that I would.
- Daria: Perish the thought.
- Quinn: I just, I know that sometimes certain types of people, jealous people, might think, who does she think she is? Because I sometimes think that. But I can't let myself go on too long thinking that.
- Daria: Or anything else.
- Quinn: I mean, sometimes I'm walking down the hall with Sandi, Stacy, and Tiffany and suddenly I'm outside of myself watching, and it's like, who are these girls? Can't they talk about anything besides guys, and clothes, and cars, but then, what would we talk about? You have to be good at something. You're good at your reading and writing and stuff and you're good at your little paintings.
- Jane: They are minuscule, aren't they.
- Quinn: I figure, being attractive and popular, that's what I'm good at. Maybe it's not that important, but you know, it's what I can do. [leaves]
- Daria: Aw, hell.
- Jane: Yeah.
- Helen: I haven't seen you this amused since your sister fell at her dance recital.
- Daria: That was me.
- Helen: Oh. Well, I knew it was one of you girls laughing at one of you girls.
[edit] The New Kid
- Jodie: Hey Daria. I didn't see you today. You said you might come to the photography meeting for yearbook.
- Daria: Yes, well, when the dentist turned off the gas I had a change of heart.
- Helen: Can't you talk to her Quinn? Why don't you set her up with one of your friends? They're all normal.
- Quinn: Yeah! And that's exactly why they would laugh me out of town if I tried.
[edit] Gifted
- Brittany: The Telltale Heart? I love romance novels!
- Daria: Yeah, nothing says "be mine" like a pounding heart beneath a floorboard.
- Quinn: And then the other thing is, who came up with the name "tennis bracelet" anyway? It sounds like some kind of a sweatband, if you ask me. You know what I'd name them? Wrist ornaments. It's like a tree ornament, only for your wrist. Doesn't that sound festive?
- Jane: [frazzled] Take.... her.... now.
[edit] Ill
- Daria: Look, I'm sorry about last night.
- Jane: Ah forget it. It was a rare opportunity; getting to hang out with Brittany in a grunge club. Although her hair did leak onto my shoes.
- Daria: You're sure that wasn't her brain?
- Jane: Nah, there was too much of it.
- Jodie: Oh, so you're a little red. It could happen to anybody. [looks at Mack] Well, it could happen to lots of people.
[edit] Fair Enough
- Helen: I hope the other girls weren't too disappointed that you got the part over them.
- Quinn: Well, let's see. Sandi was really nice about it. She said she's too mature to get upset at somebody else's incredible, unbelievable, undeserved luck. And Brittany just kind of made noises.
- Stacy: Then, do you think I should call him?
- Daria: Yes, right now. Before I commit justifiable homicide.
- [Stacy leaves]
- Jane: [robotically] Must-stick-head-cold-water.
- Quinn: I will make a dainty garland for my head and sing
- Sandi: hmm..
- Quinn: What?
- Sandi: Oh, nothing. I just would say it differently. You wouldn't want to emphasis the wrong word would you?
- Quinn: How you would say it ?
- Sandi: Well you say 'I will make a dainty garland for my head' when it should be 'I will make a dainty garland for my head
- Quinn: Thanks Sandi. [Sandi just smiles]
[edit] See Jane Run
- Daria: [Notices Jane staring at a cute guy] See something you like or just browsing?
- Jane: I'm thinking about getting those running shoes.
- Daria: Uh-huh. What color were they?
- Evan: [referring to Jane] Have you seen this girl run like the wind?
- Daria: Have you ever heard her break wind?
[edit] Pierce Me
- Jane: Where are you going?
- Trent: Who are you? Mom?
- Jane: No, Mom would never ask where you're going.
- Trent: Exactly.
- Jane: [teasing] Oh, dear, our little girl's becoming a woman.
- Daria: Shut up.
- Jane: Don't you get it, Daria? You did something stupid for a guy. Gee, you may join the human race after all.
[edit] Write Where It Hurts
- Mr. O'Neill: So, what Gardner is telling us is that the writer of fiction has a duty that goes beyond the mere telling of a story. His or her job is to tell a story in such a way as to leave the reader.... what, Kevin?
- Kevin: Screaming for more full-contact martial arts excitement?
- Mr. O'Neill: Daria?
- Daria: I believe Mr. Gardner feels it's the writer's duty to steer the reader toward more conscientious behavior. No matter how dull that makes the story.
- Future Quinn: Hi. [to kids] You know where Grandma's TV is. Go watch something educational. [kids scamper into living room] Boy, I'm exhausted.
- SSW Announcer: Breast implants for chickens-
- Future Quinn and Future Daria: Not that!
[edit] Season 3
[edit] Through a Lens Darkly
- Daria: I almost killed a dog yesterday.
- Jane: Gonna work your way up to humans slowly?
- Mr. O'Neill: Now, when he shed his regal vestments and began dressing as if he had no money, a very funny thing happened to the prince. What was that? Kevin?
- Kevin: He became the poor guy formerly known as the prince?
[edit] The Old and the Beautiful
- Brittany: Daria, this is my stepmom, Ashley-Amber. Do you recognize her?
- Daria: I think so, but it's so hard to remember your childhood nightmares clearly.
- Sandi: They may be poor, but that doesn't mean they should be unfashionable.
- Stacy: Right.
- Tiffany: Totally.
- Daria: They may be shallow, but that doesn't mean they should be executed.
- Jane: Yes, it does.
- Daria: Very well, I'm sold.
[edit] Depth Takes a Holiday
- St. Patrick: Oh, shut up, you bloody- [Cupid drops him] idiot!
- Quinn: What was that?
- Daria: My imaginary friend fell down.
- Quinn: God, Daria. Even your imaginary friends are embarrassing.
- Jane: This is just like a high school.
- Daria: You know, I get the feeling we'll be saying that all our lives.
- St. Patrick: It only seems like high school. Actually, it's much worse.
- Jane: That's what we'll be saying all our lives.
- St.Patrick:: You see Daria, you truly had a wonderful life
- Daria: What the hell are you talking about ?
[edit] Daria Dance Party
- Brittany: Jane, your picture's full of bloody people! That's not a still life!
- Jane: Sure it is. The blood's the reason they're so still.
- Daria: Let's do the math one more time. Your dance decorations were a huge hit.
- Jane: Plus.
- Daria: But my sister managed to take complete credit for them.
- Jane: Minus.
- Daria: We hung out with a couple of guys who weren't so bad.
- Jane: Plus.
- Daria: But they turned out to be carriers of the dreaded Ruttheimer gene.
- Jane: Big minus.
- Daria: So, we're more or less even on the night.
- Jane: Darn. And it came so close to turning out semi-decent.
- [They see three members of the Fashion Club locked outside their house, wearing swimsuits, as snow starts to fall.]
- Both: [smiling smugly at each other] Plus!
[edit] The Lost Girls
- Val: How about doing a cheer for America's coolest young women, my readers?
- Brittany: Um, okay. Give me a "V"! Give me an "A"! Give me an "L".... gosh, that's short.
- Val: Waterproof eye makeup is so important, Dar. And glitter- I'm really into glitter these days. It makes everyone feel like a star. Are you getting this, Dar? Why don't you read me back your notes?
- Daria: Okay. "What am I doing here? How am I going to get through this? Dear God, help me."
[edit] It Happened One Nut
- Mr. DeMartino: My congratulations, Miss Lane. You've done it again.
- Jane: Perfect record. I've gotten the same thing three years in a row.
- Daria: Accountant?
- Jane: That's what happens when you fill in the letter "C" for every answer. Gets the whole test over within five minutes.
- Tiffany: You.... too.... can learn to.... make...
- Daria: [prompts] Yes?
- Tiffany: ...friends. Making friends is-
- Daria: Fun? Interesting? Impossible?
- Tiffany: .... important. Friends can be very-
- Daria: Useful? Supportive? Purple?! What?!
- Tiffany: You made me lose my place!
[edit] Daria!
- Daria: Oh me, oh my. A lovely day is dawning. Oh, what a joy I didn't wake up dead. So I can go to school and then resume my yawning, and get my sleep in class instead of in my bed.
- Daria: Let's head down. I want to live to see what this place looks like after it's obliterated.
- Jane: You know, being a post-apocalyptic town is going to be cool. Other towns will be scared of us.
- Daria: I'm sure they already are.
[edit] Lane Miserables
- Vincent: Oh, honey? Don't drink from that big bottle in the kitchen; it's silver nitrate.
- Jane: It's poisonous?
- Vincent: Yeah, and I need it for my prints.
- Amanda: Courtney and Adrian are coming for a visit. Isn't that great?
- Trent: Does Summer know?
- Amanda: She should, shouldn't she?
- Trent: Well, she's kind of their mother.
[edit] Jake of Hearts
- Quinn: I'm training to become a doctor so if Daddy has another heart attack, I'll be here to save him.
- Daria: Dr. Quinn, medicine moron.
- Quinn: A heart doctor. If Dad died I would've been freaked out for, like, years.
- Jake: That's the spirit, sweetie. Avenge my death.
- Daria: You're not dying, dad.
- Jake: Avenge me!
- Helen: Jake, you're gonna give yourself a- never mind....
- Quinn: Ugh! This is SO frustrating! Daria, have you ever read this book?
- Daria: Thrombocytopenic Complications After Stent Placement Post-Coronary Artery Angioplasty. Maybe you should start off with something easier. Many coloring books feature hearts. And rainbows.
- Jake: [Laying in the hospital bed] I want you to avenge me Daria
- Daria: Dad, you're not dying
- Jake: AVENGE ME!
[edit] Speedtrapped
- Quinn: Good, they're gone. We're all alone.
- Daria: Uh, excuse me, but I'm here.
- Quinn: Oh, all right, you can stay. But if you could be really, really quiet, that would be great.
- Quinn: What's wrong?
- Daria: A cute cowboy stole our money!
- [commercial bumper music begins, then is interrupted]
- Quinn: Um, actually, that's not entirely true.
[edit] The Lawndale File
- Tiffany: We're dressed this way for Fashion Club solidarity.
- Sandi: One of us has a problem. That's all you need to know.
- Mr. O'Neill: Oh, dear! What kind of problem?
- Sandi: A private problem.
- Stacy: It's a neck zit!
- Quinn: Stacy!
- Tiffany: Don't worry, Quinn. They still don't know it's you.
- [Quinn screams and runs off]
- Stacy: Uh-oh.
- Tiffany: Did I say the wrong thing?
- Sandi: Don't worry about it.
- Jane: So you finally convinced your dad that you're not a communist?
- Daria: Yeah, I'm showing him how much I love money by hitting him up for it every chance I get.
[edit] Just Add Water
- Mr. DeMartino: Ms. Li, I implore you-!
- Ms. Li: Please, Mr. DeMartino! I haven't heard anyone try so hard to squirm out of a school event since Helen Morgendorffer made up that ridiculous excuse about being allergic to crepe paper.
- Mr. DeMartino: Daria, take my chips.
- Daria: Excuse me?
- Mr. DeMartino: You know, as a thank you for making me want to kill myself a little less than the processed sausages who call themselves your classmates.
- Jane: You're not one of those "young people are our greatest hope" guys, are you?
[edit] Jane's Addition
- Mr O'Neill: Tranquilizers?! Jane, have you considered homeopathy?
- Jane: I'm going to stick with guys for now, but thanks for asking.
- Tom: You like convertibles?
- Jane: Sofas?
- Tom: Cars.
- Jane: Why, you got one?
- Tom: Um.... no, but the roof of my car is rusting through.
- Trent: Listen, I got to get to rehearsal. I'm late.
- Daria: How do you know? You don't wear a watch.
- Trent: I'm always late. That's why I don't wear a watch. They depress me.
- Daria: You know, Trent, somehow that makes perfect sense.
[edit] Season 4
[edit] Partner's Complaint
- Helen: No, no, absolutely not! It's unethical, it's immoral, it may well be illegal. I'll have no part of it. [pause] Okay, I'll do it.
- Brittany: I'm here with my friend Jane, who respects my intelligence.
- Jane: She's embellishing a little.
[edit] Antisocial Climbers
- Jane: I had a bad experience on that hill with the Girl Scouts. We kept marching and singing and marching and singing about some freak named John Jacob Jingleheimer somebody.
- Daria: You were a Girl Scout?
- Jane: Not after the deprogramming.
- Ms. Li: The fool! He'll never make it down in his condition. I'm going after him.
- Jane: Wow, that's kind of heroic.
- Daria: He's got her video camera.
- Jane: Oh, yeah.
[edit] A Tree Grows in Lawndale
- Daria: Gee, this won't end badly.
- Jane: You know, we are the ones who told him to get a motorcycle.
- Daria: Hey, if we told him to jump off a bridge, would he do that?
- Jane: Dunno. We'll try that next time.
- Daria: You know, if you break up Brittany's attempt at thought, it looks like a Mystik Spiral song.
- Jane: [grabs Daria's notepad] "Armpits have feelings, but not for me. Now what do I do with lips emp-ty?" Eh. Are you sure you don't want to replace "lips" with "skull?"
- Daria: It's a work in progress.
[edit] Murder, She Snored
- Brittany: Kevvy? What's that A doing on your paper?
- Mr. DeMartino: Why Brittany, that's the most intelligent question you've asked all year.
- Brittany: Thanks!
- Mr DeMartino: I think one of you, Kevin, snuck into the classroom last night, Kevin, which would account for the JIMMY LOCK ON MY FILING CABINET, KEVIN!
- Daria: But who does he really suspect?
- Jane: That Jimmy guy?
[edit] Fail
- Mr. O'Neill: Okay then. Jodie?
- Jodie: I failed to convince my mother and father to let me have this summer off.
- Mr. O'Neill: Excellent! And see, you've learned that failure isn't so bad now, is it?
- Jodie: No, I've learned that my parents would rather I dropped from exhaustion than missed the opportunity to shred some congressman's incriminating phone bills.
- Jane: You could try failing at being sarcastic.
- Daria: [sarcastically] Yeah, like that'll work.
[edit] I Loathe a Parade
- Tad: I also like it when they throw candy from the floats.
- Daria: Since when do you eat candy? You told me it was poison.
- Tad: Oh, it is, but every piece I catch is one cavity some other boy or girl will never get. That's what makes it so rewarding.
- Daria: Tad, when you brush your teeth, do you ever scrub right through to your brain?
- Tom: It is a stunning array of pod people. It's times like these I'm glad I don't go to your school.
- Daria: Uh-huh. And I suppose your ivy-choked prep school is any better? Wait a minute. Was I just defending Lawndale?
- Tom: You know, I think you were.
- Daria: We never had this conversation.
- Tom: What conversation?
[edit] Of Human Bonding
- Helen: No dating while we're out of town.
- Quinn: Mo-om!
- Helen: The boys of Lawndale will just have to suffer.
- Helen: Now Sandi, a freckle or a line here or there is no sin. A few lines in a woman's face show character.
- Sandi: Hm.
- Helen: Except for the mean little one some people get at the corner of their mouth from scowling too much.
- Sandi: Shall I pluck your eyebrows now?
[edit] Psycho Therapy
- Helen: Excuse me, but what's going on here?
- Doctor: We analyzed your daughter's questionnaire and, well, we're a little concerned.
- Helen: [reading] Favorite pastime. Changing water into wine?
- Daria: I knew I should have gone with the burning bush.
- Jean Michel: [trying to hypnotize Daria, while Quinn watches] You are safe and calm. Feeling a warm, gentle breeze. Every bone in your body is relaxing. Easy, easy. At the count of ten, you will tell me everything you are feeling with no resistance.
- Quinn: [accidentally hypnotized] Oh, Caesar! Please, don't poison me. I could love you, but those togas make your butt look so big.
- Daria: Oh, God.
- Quinn: And what's with that headband? Olive leaves are so B.C.
- Jean Michel: It looks like she's experiencing a past life regression.
- Daria: You've got the regression part right.
- Quinn: Help! Help! Someone help me! Some king wants to kill me for loving some soldier or something, before I've had time to pass on my secret formula for eyeliner. Oh, Caesar, you big idiot! Do something!
- Daria: Impressive grasp of history, but she forgot the part where they all board Noah's ark for a Caribbean cruise.
- Jean Michel: Daria, I was afraid you had some rather deep-seated problems, but I must say, you're remarkably well adjusted.... considering.
- Quinn: You'd think someone would have invented eyeliner before me, but no, I, Cleopatra have to come up with all my beauty products on my own! What a hard life!
- Daria: At the count of ten, I will snap my fingers, and hopefully remember none of this.
[edit] Mart of Darkness
- Quinn: [on the phone] Oh no, oh my God, oh no. Accessory emergency Stacy, I have to go. No Stacy, it's not you. It's not. It's not! Okay fine, it is you, bye!
- Sandi: As president of the fashion club, I'm calling an emergency meeting right now.
- Stacy: But Sandi! I swear this shirt is 100% cotton. It just looks like a blend!
- Sandi: Stacy, if you're finished with your unsolicited outburst on fiber content, I'd like to call your attention to the fact that we're surrounded by moving fashion violations!
[edit] Legends of the Mall
- Quinn: But he's supposed to pick us up at the mall.
- Daria: He's discussing that with the car right now. But the car seems to be saying you're taking the bus.
- Quinn : The what?
- Daria: The bus. It's like a bigger car, only with old men sleeping sitting up. At least I hope they're sleeping.
- Tiffany: I can't believe no guy would give us a ride.
- Stacy: Maybe we shouldn't make them wait in the car anymore while we shop. Remember last summer when Jeffy got all dehydrated and his tongue was hanging out and stuff?
[edit] Groped by an Angel
- Stacy: You know I was thinking, if people in really poor countries can't get food, does that mean they can't get diet soda either?
- Tiffany: But then how do they stay thin?
- Sandi: Stacy, you were what?
- Stacy: Nothing.
- Ashley Amber: Gee, I don't remember seeing you guys before. Are you friends of Brittany?
- Jane: Brittany?
- Ashley Amber: You know, the one who this party is for.
- Daria: Party?
- Ashley Amber: Yes, party. For Brittany. Because she's becoming an honor student.
- Jane: Brittany?
[edit] Fire!
- Daria: Relax. She's in the bathroom, marveling at its many wonders.
- Bobby: Cool. Hey, is Quinn, you know, seeing anyone?
- Daria: Just a dermatologist for that rash.
- Trent: Can't. Practice starts at seven.
- Jane: Trent, it's nine.
- Trent: Hm. I'd better head out.
[edit] Dye! Dye! My Darling
- Daria: Do you want to come in?
- Tom: No! There are girls in there rubbing stuff on each other's cheeks and making animal noises. I got kind of scared.
- Daria: That's just the opening rites of the Blushathon. At least you got out before the rhythmic chanting.
- Tom: Oh, yeah, I think I saw that on the Discovery Channel.
- Trent: Hey, you know, about Tom and all; it'll be okay.
- Jane: Yeah, some part of me knows that. Some part of me is actually saying that breaking up is right.
- Trent: Maybe it is.
- Jane: So how come every five minutes I feel like I'm going to throw up?
- Trent: I don't know. You haven't been eating out of the refrigerator again, have you?
[edit] Season 5
[edit] Fizz Ed
- Daria: Do you think I complain a lot?
- Tom: What are you bitching about now?
- Mack: Ms. Li, are you sure you want to do this?
- Ms. Li: Just what are you saying, Mr. MacKenzie? It's unethical? Immoral? In direct conflict with my role as an educator?
- Mack: Well, yeah, but mostly I was thinking I'm the only one on the team who can count by halves.
[edit] Sappy Anniversary
- Daria: Hmm... lot of flowers. And chocolates. Did you come down with a debilitating illness and forget to share the good news?
- Quinn: Daria, it's not like I ask guys to buy me presents. I merely suggest.
- Daria: Uh, well.... Tom and I have been going out for about six months, and-
- Helen: Oh. Um.... Daria, sometimes we may think we're ready for something and it won't change anything, but we're really not, and it changes everything, and in the rush to grow up we sometime forget how precious are the fleeting years before adulthood's cares-
- Daria: It's not about sex.
- Helen: Thank God! I mean, "Oh, I see."
[edit] Fat Like Me
- Sandy: [sobbing] My life is over!
- Quinn: Sandi! You're not thirty.
- Tiffany: Stacy, what time is the Fashion Club meeting today?
- Stacy: There is no meeting.
- Tiffany: How co-
- Stacy: How come?! Because I can't take it anymore. I'm sick of doing all the work while you just sit there. I tried my best, and even if it wasn't as good as Sandi's or Quinn's, a chain is only as strong as its weakest round thingy, and you refused to lift one freakin' finger! I'm through running the Fashion Club all by myself while you [imitates Tiffany] stare.... in the mirror.... and talk.... about yourself.... [normal voice] and I, I, I quit!
- Tiffany: Hmm, maybe I should quit, too.
[edit] Camp Fear
- Trent: Hey.
- Jane: Let me guess: You woke up at four this afternoon and couldn't get back to sleep.
- Trent: It's not just that.
- [Something is stuck in the garbage disposal, and Jake can't reach it]
- Jake: Hey, Daria. You've got small hands.
- Daria: But my big brain tells me not to stick them in garbage disposals.
[edit] The Story of D
- Quinn: Why don't we do what we do best?
- Sandi: Quinn, no one is going to pay us to eat carrot sticks.
- Helen: [on the phone with her sister] Oh Lord, Rita, it's a new millennium. When will people get rid of these outmoded ideas about sex? [to Quinn] Where's your sister?
- Quinn: In her room.
- Helen: Is Tom with her?
- Quinn: Mom! I'm not J. Edgar Winter!
[edit] Lucky Strike
- Daria: Okay. We know Mr. O'Neill assigned a play, and you're pretty sure the title didn't contain the word "alien." Do you remember anything else?
- Joey: Uh, I think the guy on the cover was wearing tights.
- Daria: Hmm. Since there are no wrestling dramas on the syllabus, I'm guessing Shakespeare.
- Jeffy: Wait, I remember now. He's a stalker. He follows girls home from parties and peeks in their windows.
- Daria: Romeo and Juliet.
- Sandi: [gasps] Did you hear that? Oh, my gosh! Quinn just admitted that weird girl is her sister!
- Stacy: Well, um, of course she is, Sandi. We knew that.
- Tiffany: We were just being polite about it.
[edit] Art Burn
- Wind: Oh no! What happened to the gazebo?
- Jane: What gazebo?
- Wind: That's where Mom and Dad took us when we were born to decide our names. You've got to fix it!
- Jane: Um, Wind? I don't how to break this to you but I don't think Mommy and Daddy will be bringing us home any new brothers or sisters.
- Trent: Hm, bummer.
- Jane: Money. Money, money. I love money. I'd shovel it down my throat if I could.
- Daria: You're kidding, right?
- Jane: Of course, Daria. I'd chew it slowly and stop when I felt full.
[edit] One J at a Time
- Jane: Well, I don't think you're giving Tom enough credit. He never said an unkind word to my parents.
- Daria: He never met your parents.
- Jane: Oh yeah. I don't suppose you could get your father to go off to Greece for six months to sketch the sunset.
- Tiffany: This is the hardest and most important decision you'll ever have to make.
- Quinn: I know! Stacy, do you still have that Magic Eight Ball?
[edit] Life in the Past Lane
- Jane: Hey, if I didn't have the nerve to pick up guys, you wouldn't have a boyfriend.
- Daria: Oh great. I'm not going to have to date this guy now, am I?
- Jane and Tom: Hey!
- Nathan: I mean, the sixties are over.
- Trent: The forties were over first.
[edit] Aunt Nauseam
- Tom: Anyway, what about a movie tonight?
- Daria: I can't. I promised Quinn I'd watch "Gone With the Wind" with her.
- Tom: [starts laughing, then trails off when he realizes Daria is serious] Okay, that freaks me out and scares me.
- Daria: I'll make you a deal: The only weapon I'll use against you will be my winning personality, and the only weapon you'll use against me will be your merciless silent treatment.
- Quinn: Silent treatment? I never.... ha. Deal.
[edit] Prize Fighters
- Jane: You're coming off all observant and honest, you know; antisocial
[edit] My Night at Daria's
- Jodie: Hey. Sex is nothing to be ashamed of as long as you're responsible.
- Daria: So then you and Mack have.... been responsible?
- Jodie: Um.... I really don't want to discuss that right now.
- Daria: I understand.
- Jodie I promise: Soon as my parents are dead, I'll tell you all about it.
- Jane: Anyway, being in a relationship can't possibly hinge on physical intimacy. 'Cause that would mean our parents are still doing it.
- Daria: Which is absurd.
- Jane: No chance.
- Daria: I'd join the circus.
- Jane: Right behind you.
- Daria: Thanks for your insight.
- Jane: What I'm here for.
[edit] Boxing Daria
- Quinn: You know, you had a big fight about Daria and then Dad stormed out? It was very traumatic. The scars are with me to this day. Do we have any diet soda?
- Helen: Daria, you can't live in that box forever!
- Daria: I can once they put in my high speed Internet connection.
[edit] Is It Fall Yet? (first movie)
- Mr. DeMartino: Well, students... I certainly appreciate your help in cleaning out the classroom for the summer. It almost makes me forget that most of you didn't learn a thing all year!
- Daria: That's not true. I learned to sleep sitting up.
- Brittany: Wait, isn't golf for old people who dress funny?
- Jodie: Yeah - my parents.
- Helen: Hello! You must be Tom.
- Tom: I-
- Helen: I'm Helen Morgendorffer.
- Tom: Glad to-
- Helen: Won't you come in?
- Tom: I'd-
- Helen: Great!
- Daria: Sorry about that. They've been acting a little strange ever since, oh, I can remember.
- David: Hi, I'm David Sorenson. Are you Quinn?
- Daria: I don't know. Is this the ninth circle of Hell?
- David: The Divine Comedy.
- Daria: Wait a minute, you know that? All right. Who are you and what do you want with my sister?
- Quinn: Where are you going?
- David: Far, far away.
- Guy: [to Daniel] I was wondering, where do you get your inspiration?
- Alison: "My alimony bills."
- Brittany: Wait a minute, Kevvy. He's serious. But how can you be dating Jane and Daria?
- Tom: Well, I'm not dating Jane anymore.
- Brittany: Oh. [pause] Oh! Daria!
- Andrew: We're up for membership at Winged Tree and she's on the board. Forget politics. That's power. [laughs]
- David: Steinbeck was perhaps best known for his poignant novel about the "Okies"-
- Tiffany: Uh-huh....
- David: A heavy metal band famous for having a baboon on bass.
- Tiffany: Uh-huh....
- Tiffany: This toaster's really shiny.
- Mr. DeMartino: Remember: If you feel yourself getting mad, go ahead! If someone's doing something to irritate you, tell them about it in detail! And hike.... whenever you feel like it!
- Quinn: You can't judge someone by their family. What if people judged me by.... blech! Got to go.
- Daria: Just for the record, the police don't like it when you drive on the wrong side of the road.
- Trent: Tell me about it.
- Trent: We'd better not disturb them. You got to wake Jesse up just right or he gets all disoriented.
- Daria: How can you tell?
- Daria: And I kept thinking about you, up here doing your paintings, making your jokes, being Jane Lane.
- Jane: Being Jane Lane's what I do best.
- Daria: Gee, shall I attempt further heights of ego inflation?
- Jane: Please do.
- Mystik Spiral: When the aliens come,
- when the death rays hum,
- when the bombers bomb,
- we'll still be freakin' friends!
- When the whip comes down,:
- when they nuke the town,:
- when dead clowns can't clown,
- we'll still be freakin' friends!
- Jane: Anyway, it's just another two weeks and then we'll be back at school! Wait.... what's my point?
- Daria: That life sucks no matter what, so don't be fooled by location changes.
[edit] Is It College Yet? (second movie)
- Jane: What about you? Still thinking about- [snooty accent] -Bromwell?
- Daria: They don't really talk like that there. I hope. Anyway, I'm applying because it's an outstanding university, not because the students engage in the rectal transport of steel rods.
- Jane: The Equestrian Club must be in constant pain.
- Bromwell applications interviewer: What are you hoping to reap from your Bromwell experience?
- Daria: [thinking to self] Reap? Reap?... REAPREAP!
- Trent: Hey.
- Jane: Wow. You're talking to a sellout like me?
- Trent: About that.
- Jane: Yes?
- Trent: I don't really think you're a sellout.
- Jane: Well, that's not exactly an apology but you know what they say about beggers.
- Trent: That they'll only spend it on booze?
- Upchuck: Andrea, my dark-eyed mistress of sweet, sweet pain. Are you, like me, finding this party a bit too festive? Let us depart for a darker place where we can explore the melancholia that always accompanies true, unbridled passion.
- Andrea: You're hitting on me?
- Upchuck: Um-
- Andrea: Okay.
- Upchuck: [squeaks] Really? [normal voice] I mean, say no more, my raven-haired ravisher. [offers Andrea his arm, which she takes as they walk away]
- Daria: I'm not much for public speaking, or much for speaking, or come to think of it, much for the public. And I'm not very good at lying. So let me just say that, in my experience, high school sucks. If I could do it all over again, I'd have started advanced placement classes in preschool so I could go from 8th grade straight to college. However, given the unalterable fact that high school sucks, I'd like to add that if you're lucky enough to have a good friend and a family that cares, then it doesn't have to suck quite as much. Otherwise, my advice is stand firm for what you believe in, until and unless logic and experience prove you wrong. Remember, when the emperor looks naked, the emperor is naked. The truth and the lie are not "sort of" the same thing. And there's no aspect, no facet, no moment in life that can't be improved with pizza. Thank you.
- Jane: Daria! Your face at the pizza parlor... your face now! Did that bastard dump you?! I swear, I'm gonna...
- Daria: No. I dumped him.
- Jane: Wait a minute... you mean you? You're the bastard?
- Daria: Yes, and the bastard is hurting like hell.
Last Dialogue of the Series:
- Jane: To college. I can't wait. What do you think we'll find when we get there?
- Daria: Hmm. That the students are shockingly ignorant, the professors self-centered and corrupt, and the entire system geared solely to the pursuit of funding?:
- Jane: Hmm, yes. You know that thing I said about you getting soft?
- Daria: Yeah?
- Jane: I take it back.
