Death to Smoochy
- Bastard son of Barney! Die! Die, stuffed ball of fluff! Illegitimate Teletubbie! Die, you Muppet from hell! Die, you foam motherfucker!
- Even when you're squeaky clean, you can still fall in the mud.
- [Smoochy holds up a penis-shaped cookie made by Randolph] What are you, blind? It's a cock! It's not a rocket, you sick fuck! It's a cock! Look. It's a cock and balls! A dick! Chorizo and the huevos! It's a big stiffy! Yeah, it's a penis! Penis maximus! A willie! A weenie! Mr. Jiggle Daddy! The one-eyed wonder weasel! Don't you see that? It's Jimmy and the twins. Rumple Foreskin. He made this. It's made from dil-dough.
- You better grow eyes in the back of your head, you horned piece of shit, because I'm not gonna sleep until worms are crawling up your foam-rubber ass! I'm goin' on safari, motherfucker! SAH-FAR-I! [makes an elephant noise]
- [to a baby, after framing Sheldon] Hello, little nipple-nibbler. The rhino's a Nazi!
- [after getting egged] I've been shot! I'm bleeding! Salmonella! You're a lawyer! That's salmonella!
- [after being assaulted by Tommy and her henchmen] All right, you spudsucking fucks! I'm suing your Riverdance ass! [heavy Irish accent] I'm gonna send you all the way back home, eh?!
- [to Sheldon] Do not start with your magician's tricks, young Moses! I am Pharaoh! And you are my slave...and this is my kingdom!
- When my brothers and I played cowboys and Indians, I was always the Chinese railroad worker.
- [singing] He slams the door, He stomps his feet, He sends me to bed with zilch to eat. But my step-dad's not mean, he's just adjusting.
- Captain Kangaroo, like Jesus Christ, was someone you could really believe in. With those guys, it wasn't about the bells and whistles and the ricketa-racketa; it was all about the work. Especially Jesus.
- Now I'm not pointing any fingers, Lord knows you start pointing fingers and someone's gonna get poked. And I want you both to know that its not my intention to try and poke either of you.
- You can't change the world but you can make a dent.
- Someone toss me a beach towel because my head is swimming.
- Let's face it. Big junkies come from little junkies. We gotta nip this in the bud, Burke!
- There are a lot of kids and a lot of junkies out there who are counting on me.
- Angelo Pike: He was jacked up higher than a prom dress in June.
- Tommy Kotter: [at a funeral] It's a shame this happened. Okay, now let's go pray and get shit-faced.
- Nora Wells: You're here to sell sugar and plastic.
- Merv Green: Wipe your forehead Frank, you got plenty of time to sweat.
- Merv Green: Eventually we all grow old and die, only sometimes the growing old part doesn't happen.
- Randolph: You want your little booger eater on my show?
- Wife: Yes, very much.
- Randolph: Then don't tell me how to run my fucking business.
- Tommy: We're going to find him, cut off his balls, and shove 'em up his ass.
- Sheldon: Well, maybe we should leave that for the cops, Tommy.
- Roy: Cops won't do the ball thing, it's against procedure.
- Sheldon: I'll be in my office, the big one with a view!
- Nora: They all have views, you dumb shit!
- Sheldon: Not looking this way, cupcake!
- Sheldon: So remember kids, a step-dad is a lot like a new puppy. They need patience and love while they adjust to their new surroundings. But remember - if he is ever abusive to you or mommy, what are the magic numbers?
- Kids: 9-1-1!
- Sheldon: Thaaaaaaat's right!
- [Randolph mentions his long-ago affair with Nora]
- Nora: That was a long time ago. I was young and stupid.
- Randolph: And limber.
- Cop: Are you okay?
- Randolph: I don't know. I'm kinda fucked up in general, so it's hard to gauge.
- [Merv gets kidnapped by the mob]
- Merv Green: It was a mistake! An honest mistake! I only did it to help the children!
- Tommy Kotter: You like kids, eh?
- Merv Green: Yes!
- Tommy Kotter: You like fairy tales, then?
- Merv Green: Yeah!
- Tommy Kotter: Jimmy, tell him the one about the worthless prick that got his head chopped off with an axe.
- Tommy Kotter: Roy, have you got the hammer?
- Roy: Always got the hammer, Tommy.
- Bartender: I never saw anyone get buzzed off of orange juice.
- Sheldon: Let me tell you a secret - if you squirt a little liquid alfalfa in, it's blast-off time.
- Reporter: How does it feel to be the most hated man in America?
- Randolph: In this country full of neanderthals, I wear it as a fucking badge of honor.
- Reporter 2: Nora Wells says you have an unhealthy obsession with Mopes.
- Randolph: I barely know that bitch, okay? And she's been down on everything but the Titanic. She spreads like cream cheese for Sheldon.
- Reporter 3: What about the rumors that you're mentally imbalanced?
- Randolph: Who the fuck said that?! That's bullshit. I'm not mentally imbalanced. I'm on the same dosage I've always been.
- [As Randolph and Buggy dangle from a ceiling catwalk]
- Randolph: Let go of me you FUCKING JUNKIE!
- [As Buggy loses his grip, plummeting to his death]
- Buggy: I never saw Venice!
- Randolph: I'm a fraud. I'm a wicked man who's done some wicked acts.
- Sheldon: Well, it's like the song says... [flips the gun's cylinder in place] We all have our bad days.
- Get ready for an unexpected hit.
- He's Big, He's Blue, He's Smoochy... and He's got to DIE!
- It's the Rhino vs. the Wino... with a little help from the mob