Eastbound & Down
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Eastbound & Down (2009–) is an HBO comedy show about a former professional baseball pitcher, who after a disappointing career is forced to return to his hometown middle-school as a substitute physical education teacher.
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Contents |
Season One [edit]
Chapter One [1.01] [edit]
- Interviewer: So Kenny, how do you feel about playing for New York?
- Kenny Powers: You mean Jew York? It's fucking great.
- Kenny: [to interviewer] Man, I thought the blacks in Baltimore were bad, but they're nothing compared to the fags y'all got here in San Francisco. [belly laughs]
- Terrence: You want a smoothie?
- Kenny: No, I'm straight.
- Cassie: (about her daughter) Her name is Rose, named after miss Kate Winslet in the movie Titanic.
- Kenny: You named your daughter after fucking Titanic?
- Dustin: It's Cassie's favorite movie.
- Kenny: Oh, wow! You gotta be shitting me! What's his name? (pointing at the oldest son) Fucking Shrek?
- Kenny: I am the man who has the ball, I am the man who can throw it faster than fuck. So that is why, I, am better than everyone in the world. Kiss my ass and suck my dick! EVERYONE!
- Kenny: (on the phone with an escort) Can I wear the Scream mask?... The mask from Scream... When I do you from behind...
- Kenny: A lot of people ask me, 'Kenny Powers, you're a giant superstar. You can get any woman. Have you ever paid for sex?' And the answer is yes, I have. Several times, in fact. And it's actually kinda cool. You can negotiate practically anything and sometimes, even just kind of do stuff in the moment that you never agreed to pay for and it goes by without much argument.
Chapter Two [1.02] [edit]
[Kenny misses his target, a can on a stick, and hits and breaks a birdbath instead]
- Dustin, Jr.: Why didn't you hit the target?
- Kenny: Because, Dustin, Jr., at the last minute I decided NOT to hit the target. I decided to go for that birdbath your Dad put in there just- I'm trying so hard not to be an asshole to you guys, ok? Just please work with me here... alright, I'm sorry. I'm not mad at you guys. I'm just kinda disappointed with my own arm and how it's trying to butt-fuck me back here.
- Dustin, Jr.: I hated that birdbath.
- Kenny: I broke that birdbath for you 'cause I knew how much you hated it 'cause we're the same. I hate that fuckin' thing too... A stork wrapped around a tree branch, that's the stupidest thing I've ever seen before. You know how the plague started back in the day, was from a little disgusting birdbath in someone's backyard that rats made sex to birds in it and created a whole new type of AIDS.
- Kenny: April, I gotta come clean, babe. There is one image in my life that consistently makes me happy no matter when I think about it. And that image, that one image is your big tits.
- Ashley: I don't want to be embarrassed.
- Kenny: Well, you're doing a good job of that on your own just by how you fucking look.
- Kenny: I thought Ashley Schaeffer was gonna be a woman.
- Ashley: I love women, so I'll take that as a compliment.
- Ashley: They're [the female salespeople] my closers, and they help people who are slightly hesitant to buy cars. So if you happen to be a man, Ashley over there will suck your dick.
- [Kenny exhales sharply]
- Kenny: I like how you work.
- Ashley: And if you happen to be a woman, Scott over there will finger you with his penis.
- Kenny: [Kenny has taken ecstasy and is about to start dancing] Alright. If you won't listen to my words, then listen, to my dancing feet. Work drugs.
- Kenny: I like you, Tracy, but I'm gonna have to insist on you using some sort of protection. There's a dental dam up in my truck.
- Tracy: What the fuck is a dental dam?
- Kenny: It's like a rubber for your mouth. Nevermind what it is, just go get it! And it's not just for my protection, because you don't know what kinda shit I got either.
Chapter Three [1.03] [edit]
- Kenny: Some people say Kenny Powers is a woman-hater. That's not true; I love women - every fuckin' one of 'em. Even the ugly-as-shit ones. But don't ask me to trust 'em, even nuns, because every pair of tits comes with a gaping hole of need that even Kenny Powers can't fill.
- Kenny: What are you looking at?
- Paper Boy: Your nice hair, asshole.
- Kenny: Yeah, nice job making three bucks a week dipshit. Sell weed and you'll make more money.
- Kenny: So, besides getting shot in the back of the head do you know what else Abraham Lincoln did? He was a champion wrestler in high school and no, I'm not making that up.
- Kenny: I need you to score me some juice.
- Clegg: What do you mean? Like from the store?
- Kenny: No, motherfucker. Steroids! Don't act like you don't know about drugs when you do.
- Principal Cutler: Behave yourselves!
- Kenny: Don't, try to tell my warriors what to do. [Pause] Alright, fuck him.
Chapter Four [1.04] [edit]
- Kenny: You should see my fuckin' cook outs, man. When I was back in Seattle, I had the goddamn spoon man from the Soundgarden videos coming to my shit.
- Dustin: No way.
- Kenny: Oh yeah. I'm talking 6 grills burnin' at all times, tiki torches, three whole pigs, fucking shitloads of macaroni and cheeses, baked potatoes, collard greens, a horse, fucking Puerto Rican chicks showing their pussies and tits off everywhere. They were amazing.
- Stevie: Terrence, I don't teach you how to principal I don't think you should tell me how to teach band.
- Terrence: You clearly don't understand the employer-employee relationship.
- Stevie: Uh, I'm starting to and I don't like it.
- Kenny: (To Tracy) What did I tell you? I said put something nice on. You look like a busted Daytona stripper in that shit.
- Tracy: This is my eveningwear! What the fuck do you know about style?
- Kenny: I know one of us has had his own personal stylist, and the other shoplifts their shit from Fashion Bug, that's what I know. Alright, what else you got?
- Tracy: [runs to the dryer] I got this... [pulls out an ugly orange pair of pants]
- Kenny: Honey, I love you...I think you're a terrific girl — but you got clothes like a fuckin' dickhead.
- Kenny: I don't believe you met my fuckbuddy Tracy.
- Kenny: I don't know what's going on, man. I'm just all jammed up inside. Lost my abilities. Been stripped of all of my god-given talents. Including the talents to be able to have sex with any woman I choose, or throw a f*cking ball fast, or to not prematurely come in my pants. Sometimes I just don't even know which one hurts the most. I'm ashamed of myself.
Chapter Five [1.05] [edit]
- Ashley Schaffer: That's my game! Dick slappin's my game!
- Ashley Schaffer: I had a dream about this moment... When I was making love... to my wife Donna. On top a her; powerful thrusts, filling the sultry night air. Heavy breath. My son Gabriel walked in, little boy. My wife sprung out of bed and said "No, Gabriel! Leave!" And I said "No, honey, shut your mouth, let him watch." Let him watch what is being consecrated here. And I want the people to watch what is going to be consecrated here. And I will bring my son down here, and he will watch. He will watch you two battle it here - you two becoming one, ok? This isn't a game anymore - this isn't a game!
- Reg Mackworthy: I feel this new lifestyle you got here, Kenny, I do. Let me ask you a question, though. When did you become... SUCH a pussy? I mean, like, you've always been a pussy, you know. But now you're just a vagina with a mullet.
Chapter Six [1.06] [edit]
- Pat Anderson: Gold might get you Jonas Brothers tickets. Black, all three of them sucking your dick.
- Kenny: I did not mean to kiss on her pussy, your fiancée...that happened too.
- Kenny: Now listen to me you beautiful bitch, cause I am about to fuck you up with some truth.
- Kenny: Remember that class where I taught y’all how to make it rain? That’s what I’m going to be doing. Every. Single. Night. Dolla... dolla... bills, ya'll.
- Kenny: You know how you all think there are two kinds of lesbians. There's the kind on Cinemax that get it on and are really hot. Then there's the mean kind. Ms. Carol is neither of those.
- Kenny: All right, you stoic little bastard. In the computer room, little second drawer where I keep my weed. Underneath the handgun there's a stash of porn that’ll put calluses on those little hands of yours.
- Kenny: The amount of money I'm going to be making would hurt your parents' feelings.
Season 2 [edit]
Chapter Seven [2.01] [edit]
- Kenny: This is me now. A man haunted by the sacrifices he's had to make. A man who ran and never looked back. A man who drank his ass all the way down to the butthole of America. I left my country to begin a new life - one where I could finally blend with those I was living amongst. Become just another face in the crowd.
- Kenny: Sometimes you gotta wash away the paint, and reveal to the world the jackass that is hiding beneath.
Chapter Eight [2.02] [edit]
- Kenny: Over the course of my career, I've played on many different teams - some I liked, and some I really fucking hated. I am not mentioning any names, but let's just say that Seattle can tongue kiss my shithole. The best way to get a new team on your side is to trash the last team you played for. Talk shit about how their fans suck, and their women have pancake titties.
Chapter Nine [2.03] [edit]
- Kenny: It's no mystery that ass has always been tits' greatest enemy. It's almost like a Muslim-Jewish thing, but with tits and ass.
Chapter Ten [2.04] [edit]
- Kenny: How could you do this to me? Here this whole time I thought you were a whore with a heart of gold. Instead you're just a whore with a regular old whore's heart.
Chapter Eleven [2.05] [edit]
- Kenny: I got two hard rules I live by, pop: I don't fuck with the devil, and I never do tag teams with blood relatives.
- Kenny: Truth be told, things aren't going as good for me as I led on to believe. The love of my life married some other dude, and my new girlfriend fed her pussy to the owner of the baseball team I just quit. I stole homeboy's car, and now I'm probably a wanted fugitive.
Chapter Twelve [2.06] [edit]
- Kenny: Down there I fought and fucked my way to being the greatest gringo that country has ever seen.
Cast [edit]
- Danny McBride - Kenny Powers
- John Hawkes - Dustin Powers
- Jennifer Irwin - Cassie Powers
- Katy Mixon - April Buchanon
- Steve Little - Stevie Janowski
- Andrew Daly - Terrence Cutler
- Ben Best – Clegg
- Will Ferrell - Ashley Schaeffer
