Finley Peter Dunne

Th newspaper does ivrything f'r us. It runs th' polis foorce an' th' banks, commands th' milishy, controls th' ligislachure, baptizes th' young, marries th' foolish, comforts th' afflicted, afflicts th' comfortable, buries th' dead an' roasts thim aftherward.

Finley Peter Dunne (July 10, 1867 – April 24, 1936) was a Chicago-based U.S. author, writer and humorist. He wrote Mr. Dooley in Peace and War in 1898. "Mr. Dooley" became one of the first nationally syndicated newspaper features. Set in a South Side Chicago Irish pub, Mr. Dooley, the owner and bartender, would expound upon political and social issues of the day, using the thick verbiage and accent of an Irish immigrant. Dunne's sly humor and political acumen won the support of President Theodore Roosevelt, a frequent target of Mr. Dooley's barbs.

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• Th’ dead ar-re always pop’lar. I knowed a society wanst to vote a monyment to a man an’ refuse to help his fam’ly, all in wan night.
  • "On Charity" in Mr Dooley in Peace and War (1898).

• In England a man is presoomed to be innocent till he's proved guilty an' they take it f 'r granted he's guilty. In this counthry a man is presoomed to be guilty ontil he's proved guilty an' afther that he's presoomed to be innocent.
  • Mr. Dooley's opinions (1901), p. 212.

• Th' newspaper does ivrything f'r us. It runs th' polis foorce an' th' banks, commands th' milishy, controls th' ligislachure, baptizes th' young, marries th' foolish, comforts th' afflicted, afflicts th' comfortable, buries th' dead an' roasts thim aftherward.
  • "Newspaper Publicity" in Observations by Mr. Dooley (1902); part of this has sometimes been paraphrased: The job of the newspaper is to comfort the afflicted and afflict the comfortable.

• Thrust ivrybody—but cut th' ca-ards.
  • Casual Observations, Mr. Dooley's Philosophy (1900)

• A fanatic is a man that does what he thinks th' Lord wud do if He knew th' facts iv th' case.
  • Casual Observations, Mr. Dooley's Philosophy (1900)