Frasier

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Frasier (16 September 1993—13 May 2004) is an American TV situation comedy, a spin-off of the the television show Cheers. The show was critically acclaimed and won a record 39 Emmy Awards during its run.

Contents

[edit] Season 1

[edit] The Good Son [1.1]

Frasier: How was I today?
Roz: Let's see, you dropped two commercials, you left a total of twenty-eight seconds of dead air, you scrambled the station's call letters, you spilled yogurt on the control board, and you kept referring to Jerry, with the identity crisis, as "Jeff."
Martin: I call him Eddie Spaghetti.
Daphne: Oh, he likes pasta?
Martin: No, he has worms.
Niles: I thought you liked my Maris!
Frasier: I do, I... I like her from a distance. You know, the way you like the sun. Maris is like the sun. [slight pause] Except without the warmth.
Roz : Ever heard of Lupe Vélez?
Frasier: Who?
Roz: Lupe Vélez, the movie star in the '30s. Well, her career hit the skids, so she decided she'd make one final stab at immortality. She figured if she couldn't be remembered for her movies, she'd be remembered for the way she died. And all Lupe wanted was to be remembered. So, she plans this lavish suicide - flowers, candles, silk sheets, white satin gown, full hair and makeup, the works. She takes the overdose of pills, lays on the bed, and imagines how beautiful she's going to look on the front page of tomorrow's newspaper. Unfortunately, the pills don't sit well with the enchilada combo plate she sadly chose as her last meal. She stumbles to the bathroom, trips and goes head-first into the toilet, and that's how they found her.
Frasier: Is there a reason you're telling me this story?
Roz: Yes. Even though things may not happen like we planned, they can work out anyway.
Frasier: Remind me again how it worked for Lupe, last seen with her head in the toilet.
Roz: All she wanted was to be remembered. Will you ever forget that story?
Frasier: Three months ago I was living in Boston. My wife had left me, which was very painful. Then she came back to me, which was excruciating. On top of that my practice had grown stagnant. So I ended the marriage once and for all, and moved back to my home town of Seattle. Go Seahawks!
[Frasier and Niles are looking through brochures for rest homes for Martin, and Niles is trying to talk Frasier into taking him in]
Niles: Golden Acres. "We care, so you don't have to."
Frasier: It says that?
Niles: Well, it might as well.

[edit] Space Quest [1.2]

Frasier: Thanks, Niles. You are a good brother and a credit to the psychiatric profession.
Niles: You're a good brother, too.
Niles: So what you're saying is you want to be closer to Dad, but you don't actually want him around.

[edit] Dinner at Eight [1.3]

Niles: [about Maris] In the middle of dressing for the evening, she suddenly slumped down on the edge of the bed in her half-slip and sighed. Of course, I knew then and there that dinner was not to be.
Frasier: [about Daphne] She's psychic. We've decided to find it charming.
Niles: A funny thing happened the other day. One of my patients had a rather amusing Freudian slip. He was having dinner with his wife, and he meant to say "pass the salt," but instead he said "You've ruined my life, you blood-sucking shrew."
Niles: Oh, for goodness sake, Frasier! I'm a happily married man! Maris means the world to me. Why, just the other day I kissed her for no reason whatsoever.

[edit] I Hate Frasier Crane [1.4]

Niles: Sorry I'm late, Frasier, just as we were leaving, Maris had a run-in with a rude directory assistance operator, and it shattered her calm.
Frasier: You know, Niles, have you ever considered that maybe Maris is a bit high-strung, that maybe she should see someone?
Niles: She's seen everyone. Why do you think she was calling directory assistance?
Frasier: As some of you may know, yesterday I was mentioned in Derek Mann's "Mann About Town" column. He said, and I quote, "I Hate Frasier Crane"..."I Hate Frasier Crane". What trenchant criticism. Move aside Voltaire, step back in the shadows H. L. Mencken, there's a new kid in town. One can only wonder how many hours Derek Mann sat in the glow of his computer screen before his trembling fingers sprang to life and pecked out this chef d'oeuvre: "I... hate... Frasier Crane."
Frasier: Pompous and sanctimonious am I? Well, this Mann character can't even write grammatical sentences, every five words there's another one of his precious dot, dot, dots, must be because he likes making all those dots with the crayon he writes this drivel with!
Frasier: [About his upcoming fight with Derek Mann] Any psychic prediction on the outcome?
Daphne: Actually yes, but don't worry, I'm frequently wrong.

[edit] The Crucible [1.6]

Frasier: By the way, where's Maris? I haven't seen her all night.
Niles: She's on your bed.
Frasier: My bed?
Niles: Yes, she's asleep under the guests' coats. She exhausts easily under the pressure to be interesting.
Daphne: Well, my theory on death is, first you're whisked down a long dark tunnel towards a beautiful, white light, you suddenly get all the jokes you never got before, you let out a little chuckle and then you die.
Frasier: Dad, will you stop showing these crime scene photos. You're embarrassing me.
Martin: Oh, these society people eat this up. Besides, she was the one that brought this up.
Frasier: Oh, she brought it up? Bethany van Pelt, the head of the junior league, brought up the subject of a hooker whose body was hideously dismembered and scattered all over an abandoned warehouse?
Martin: Yeah, she asked, "Aren't these Swedish meatballs the messiest things you've ever seen?" and I said, "No, as a matter of fact..."
Frasier: God, I hate lawyers.
Niles: Me, too. But they make wonderful patients. They have excellent health insurance and they never get better.
Niles: [After smashing a gallery window in anger, he chucks cash through the hole] We may be Barbarians, but we pay for our pillaging!
Fraiser: That must be La Paxtone. Oh and fashionably late of course. [answers door, it's Roz] Oh hey Roz it's you. Er, and you look radient.

[edit] Selling Out [1.9]

Niles: Have you seen that movie? Maris and I rented the video - I don't mind telling you we pushed our beds together that night! And that was no mean feat - her room, as you know, is across the hall!
Frasier: The thought of a doctor selling things is kind of distasteful, isn't it?
Daphne: What about Dr Sneezy's cold medicine?
Frasier: Dr Sneezy is a cartoon character. The fact that he's a giant purple hippopotamus probably should have tipped you off.
Frasier: Niles, listen. I've got to do this commercial in half an hour and I just don't think I can go through with it, I'm afraid that I'm compromising my integrity as a psychiatrist.
Niles: Why do you feel like that?
Frasier: Well, for one thing my co-stars are dressed up as an almond and a walnut.

[edit] Oops! [1.10]

Niles: I really must go, I'm hosting a seminar on multiple personalities and it takes me forever to fill out the name tags.

[edit] Can't Buy Me Love [1.14]

Niles: [about Maris] She's been afraid to fly since her harrowing incident.
Daphne: Oh dear... Did a plane almost crash?
Niles: No, she was bumped from first class. She still wakes up screaming.

[edit] You Can't Tell a Crook By His Cover [1.15]

Niles: My taekwondo instructor says I'm two moves away from becoming quite threatening.
Frasier: [Showing Martin around the station] Now don't touch that! It's a very sophisticated piece of electronic equipment!
Martin: What is it?
Frasier: I have no idea, Roz told me never to touch it!

[edit] The Show Where Lilith Comes Back [1.16]

Frasier Crane: [To Lilith] What brings you to Seattle, the constant rain?

[edit] A Mid-Winter Night's Dream [1.17]

Frasier: [Niles and Daphne are alone in his house] My God, it's a recipe for disaster! You've got a vulnerable woman and an unstable man in a Gothic mansion on a rainy night! The only thing missing is someone shouting "Heathcliff!" across the moors!
Daphne: I must say, you have a beautiful home.
Niles: Thank you. Actually, it was in Maris' family for four generations. When I was an mere intern I used to drive through these hills, never dreaming that one day I'd live in one of these great mansions. Then one afternoon, there was Maris, looking so helpless, banging on the gates with her little fists and a tire iron.
Daphne: They locked her in?
Niles: No, no, that was much later. No, this time she was returning from the Antique-Mart with a rare bell jar once owned by Sylvia Plath, when the gates failed to open. Well, naturally, I stopped to offer my assistance. And as our hands touched there was a sudden spark of electricity, then as if by magic the gates parted before us and we took it as a sign.
Daphne: You knew you were meant to be together.
Niles: Yes, we were married just three short years later.


Frasier: STOOOOOOP STOOOOOP!
Niles: Frasier!

[Frasier bursts in soaked]

Frasier: My god have you two gone mad? You'll regret this for the rest of your lives.
Niles: What are you talking about?
Frasier: Well the two of you here alone, the fire, the candlelight, THE NIGHTIE!!!!

[edit] And the Whimper Is... [1.18]

Frasier: Where's Maris?
Niles: Well, we were just getting ready to leave the house when Maris caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror—
Frasier: Niles, at the end of this story, will I roll my eyes?
Niles: I did.
Frasier: Well then, let's just skip it.
Niles: This has been delightful, but I really must run. I'm due at my sexual addiction group, and I don't like to leave them alone for too long.
Frasier: Oh Daphne, I think of you as my equal in every way.
[The doorbell rings and Frasier sits down. It rings again and he looks expectantly at her.]
Daphne: [Sarcastic] Oh, I'll get it. Would you like me to announce your visitor, too?
Frasier: You know Daphne, you may not be aware of this but there is a knack to opening a bottle of champagne, even a fine french champagne as un-prepossesing as this one ($200 a bottle). In order to prevent spillage, one does not simply twist out the cork. Instead one hold the cork stationary and then gives the bottle three easy turns, thus. One. [cork pops and froth comes spilling out] Quick get some glasses, get some glasses. [Eddie starts to lick up the spilled champagne from the table] Eddie get outa there you mangy little cur.

[edit] Give Him the Chair! [1.19]

[Eddie is barking off-screen]
Frasier: What's the matter with him?
Daphne: He saw your father's chair was gone, and he's afraid it means your father's gone too. I think he suspects foul play.
[Eddie keeps barking]
Frasier: [to Eddie] Oh, stop it! If I had stuck Dad's feet into a bucket of cement and thrown him into Puget Sound, you would have been the tiny little splash that followed him!
Martin: I just need a comfortable place to park my fanny.
Frasier: How about Florida?
Martin: I heard that.
Martin: Okay, I'll tell you what chair I want. I want the chair I was sitting in when I watched Neil Armstrong take his first step on the Moon, and when the US hockey team beat the Russians in the '80 Olympics. I want the chair I was sitting in the night you called me to tell me I had a grandson. I want the chair I was in all those nights, when your mother used to wake me up with a kiss after I'd fallen asleep in front of the television. Y'know I still fall asleep in it, and every once in a while, when I wake up, I still expect your mother to be there, ready to lead me off to bed... Oh, never mind. It's only a chair.

[edit] Travels With Martin' [1.21]

Martin: Now listen, on the off chance that the guard asks you a question, can you say anything in an American accent?
Daphne: Sure.
Martin: Okay, what?
Daphne: You just heard it!
Martin: What?
Daphne: "Sure", That's it, that's all I can say! Oh, I need a cup of tea!
Frasier: Tea?! Why don't you just wave a crumpet in the air and start singing "God Save the Queen"?!
Niles: Frasier, you're my brother. That entitles you to my bone marrow and one of my kidneys, but this is an imposition.
Fraiser: Niles if Dad and I get into a winnebago only one of us will come out alive.
Niles: I'm not a winnebago person. This is my final word on the subject, I'm NOT going.

[Martin and Daphne enter]

Martin: Great news. Daphne's coming too.
Niles: And so am I.

[Niles moans with pleasure as Daphne massages him]

Niles: I should have known this would happen, I always throw out my back when I try to lift Maris's luggage.
Daphne: Why didn't you hire a skycap?
Niles: We did for most of it bur Maris won't trust strangers with her make up case ever since a ham handed porter dropped and smashed three vials of rare swiss lamb placenta. On the upside the calfskin lining of the case was never more soft and supple.
Daphne: Where did Mrs Crane go?
Niles: She's making her annual pilgimage to the holy land.
Martin: I thought she went to Dallas to visit her sister.
Niles: That IS her holy land. The site of the first Niemen Marcus.

[Frasier enters]

Daphne: Oh Dr. Crane.
Niles: [not noticing Frasier] Oh call me Niles.

[edit] Author, Author [1.22]

Niles: [to Frasier] While you were over there mixing metaphors like a Cuisinart, I had a breakthrough.
Niles: All my life I have dreamed of one thing: the day I could go into a library, go to the card catalogue and see my name under "Mental Illness."
Frasier: [after a bitter argument with Niles] Dad, the mark of a pure man is that one realizes he can't control his circumstances, he can only control his responses.
Martin: Have you talked to your brother yet?
Frasier: I do not have a brother! I'm an only child!

[edit] Frasier Crane's Day Off [1.23]

Niles: [substituting for Frasier on his radio show] Although I feel perfectly qualified to fill Frasier's radio shoes, I should warn you that while Frasier is a Freudian I am a Jungian. So there'll be no blaming mother today!

[edit] My Coffee with Niles [1.24]

Frasier: I asked Dad to get me a bran muffin. You know what he said to me: "What's the magic word?"
Niles: You're kidding.
Frasier: He didn't think it was very amusing when I said, "Rest home"!

[edit] Season 2

[edit] Slow Tango in Seattle [2.1]

Martin: [about Maris] She hasn't taken up horseback riding, has she?
Niles: No, no, she wanted to but unfortunately her little quadriceps are so tight she's incapable of straddling anything larger than a border collie.
Frasier: You know how hard it is to lie to someone's face.
Roz: Oh no, it's easy for someone as bright and charming and articulate as you.
Frasier: Well, then perhaps you're right.
Roz: See how easy it is.

[edit] The Unkindest Cut of All [2.2]

Daphne: [about drawer-dividers for socks] I saw them once in a catalogue, but I couldn't imagine who in the world would buy such silly things. Course, I hadn't met Dr. Crane yet.
Martin: I used to think there'd been some sort of mix-up at the hospital. Of course, when Niles came along it shot that theory all to hell.

[edit] The Matchmaker [2.3]

Daphne: [about the smoke alarm] God, the noise that bloody thing makes! It would be less upsetting to just wake up on fire!
Martin: Well, what the hell triggered it?
Daphne: Who knows? I was dozing quite peacefully when it started screaming away for no reason at all.
[while she is speaking Eddie enters from Daphne's room carrying a pack of cigarettes]
Frasier: [sees the cigarettes] I see. What have we here? Eddie, you've been smoking in Daphne's bedroom, bad dog!
Frasier: Daphne, aren't you going back to bed?
Daphne: No, I'll just sit up for a bit. I'm feeling a bit blue.
Frasier: Anything you'd like to talk about?
Daphne: No, no. You need your sleep. It's nothing important. Just this feeling that me life's a gaping sinkhole and I'm just marking time while the flower of me youth rots of the vine.
Frasier: [slight pause] Well, so long as you're sure. [turns to leave]
Frasier: [Trying to comfort Daphne, who's unhappy with her love life] I know how bleak these times can be, but believe me, they come to an end sometime or later. I remember a time back in Boston, I was going through exactly what you're going through now. Just a week later I met a lovely barmaid, sophisticated... if a bit loquacious. W-we fell madly in love and we got engaged... 'course, she left me standing at the altar. But the point is, I didn't give up. I took my poor battered heart and offered it to Lillith... who put it in her little Cuisinart and hit the puree button! I rebounded! And look how far I've come. I'm divorced... lonely... and living with my father.
Roz: God, you look like you've been ridden hard and put away wet.
Frasier: Yes, well I was up 'til all hours of the night with Daphne competing to see which of us has the more pathetic love life. On the bright side, I won.
Niles: [about Roz's suggestions for a dates for Daphne] Why not just lather Daphne up with baby oil and hurl her over the wall of a prison yard!
Roz: [indignant] Excuse me, but I've dated all these guys.
Niles: Well, where do you think I came up with the imagery.

[edit] Flour Child [2.4]

Martin: One minute it's just a blob in some lady's stomach, the next minute it's a person. Blob. Person.
Frasier: The miracle of birth summed up in one poetic phrase.
[Niles has been carrying around a sack of flour and pretending it's a baby in order to see if he is ready for the commitment of a real child]
Niles: I was practicing my Tai Chi this morning, and I accidentally kicked him into the reflecting pool. That's when I brought him inside and left him by the hearth to dry.
Frasier: He caught fire?
Niles: I was not as careless as it seems. A real child would have cried before it burst into flames!
Niles: Last night, I actually had a dream my flour sack was abducted and the kidnapper started sending me muffins in the mail!
Niles: I guess I must have been conducting with one of the gilded chopsticks Maris keeps in her bun, and I accidentally ran him through.
Frasier: What young parent doesn't tell that story?
[Eddie has begun to tear apart the flour sack behind Niles]
Daphne: [in an Australian accent] That dingo's got your baby!

[edit] Duke's We Hardly Knew Ye' [2.5]

Frasier: Hi Dad, what are you doing up?
Martin: I reached over in my sleep and Eddie wasn't there.
Frasier: You need a woman, Dad.

[edit] The Botched Language of Cranes [2.6]

Roz: [after Frasier has declined to make a personal appearance] What, you're turning down a hospital?
Frasier: Don't look at me that way.
Roz: Hey, I'm with you, I hate the way those whiny sick people are always nagging you for things. [mockingly] "I want a magazine", "I want a kidney"!
Frasier: Good afternoon, Seattle. This is Dr. Frasier Crane, KACL 780. Well, it's another gray, depressing day here in the Emerald City. Here's hoping we can brighten up your afternoon. We hold it our personal duty to banish your rainy day blues. But first, a message from a new sponsor. [reading from the advertisement] "Death is inevitable"...

[edit] The Candidate [2.7]

Daphne: It makes me glad we don't have so many guns in England.
Frasier: You don't need guns, you have kidney pie.

[edit] Adventures in Paradise [2.8]

Martin: [About how he met his wife] Hester was a psychiatrist, so every now and again the department would have her run up a profile on a suspect. I remember the first time I met her. It was over the chalk outline of a murder victim. She drew a little smile on the head of the outline, and I drew a pair of eyes, and before you knew it we were laughing like a couple of kids.
Frasier: Dad, you're a ghoul.
Martin: I was joking. We couldn't draw on the outline, they hadn't moved the body yet.

[edit] Adventures in Paradise (Part II) [2.9]

Frasier: [To Lilith] I'd drive a stake through your heart, but I don't think anything could kill you!
Frasier: Are you here alone?
Lilith: No I'm with someone.
Frasier: I see. Anyone I know?
Lilith: Sam Malone.
Frasier: SAM?!!!
Lilith: I'm kidding.

[edit] Burying a Grudge [2.10]

Frasier: There's nothing wrong with Maris that wouldn't be cured by a little sun, some exercise and a personality.
Frasier: I though you'd be at the hospital with Maris.
Niles: I'm on my way down there now. Poor Maris, she's so worried, she hasn't had much hospital experience. Except the usual childhood things: tonsils, adenoids... force-feeding.
Daphne: I fell victim to that pressure once. I had a mole removed.
Niles: Where?
Daphne: Just south of Manchester.
Niles: I meant where on your body.
Daphne: So did I.

[edit] Fool Me Once, Shame on You, Fool Me Twice... [2.14]

Frasier: [To Eddie, the dog] Don't stare at me, Eddie. I'm a humane man, but right now I could kick a kitten through an electric fan.

[edit] Daphne's Room

[Niles is wondering how to make it up with Maris]
Martin: When your mother got mad at me, I'd just grab her, bend her backwards and give her a kiss that made her glad she was a woman.
Niles: I can't do that with Maris. She has abnormally rigid vertebrae - she'd snap like a twig.
Frasier: [about Maris] I know she's a bit touchy about her age - even though it's not the first time she's turned 40.
[Frasier asks Niles how he managed to get Maris to forgive him]
Niles: I sat her down, looked deeply into her eyes and said, "Here are the keys to your new Mercedes."
Niles: Nothing says "I'm sorry" like an in-dash CD player and a driver's-side airbag.
[Frasier disapproves of Niles buying Maris a car]
Frasier: I happen to think that bribery is the wrong way for couples to resolve their conflicts.
Niles: Oh, really? And during which of your failed marriages did you hone that theory?

[edit] Someone To Watch Over Me [2.??]

Niles: Well, as some illustrious person said, "popularity is the hallmark of mediocrity."
Frasier: You just made that up, didn't you?
Niles: Yes, but I stand by it.

[edit] The Club [2.18]

Martin: Boy, you and Niles. It's been the same since you were kids. If one of you has something, the other one always has to have it, too. I had to buy two Balinese lutes, two decoupage kits, two pairs of lederhosen. When you finally moved out of the house that was one embarrassing garage sale.
Niles: [On being introduced by Frasier] Ah, my brother is too kind. He was already eminent, while my eminence was merely... imminent.

[edit] An Affair to Forget [2.21]

Martin: Seattle's a big city, I'm sure there's a bunch of German fencing instructors, each one with dozens of students.
Frasier: Yes, but are they wealthy students?
Martin: [sarcastically] No, they're inner-city kids trying to work their way out of the ghetto with nothing but a foil and a dream.
Niles: There you are! [Gunnar looks up] Yes, I'm talking to you, strudel boy! No one seduces my wife and gets away with it! You probably thought because of my refined bearing and swimmer's build that I wouldn't put up a fight for the woman I love. But you're dead wrong, because real men have a thing called "honor!" [Gunnar stands up and is significantly taller than Niles] Yow! You wouldn't know about that, would you?
Frasier: Niles...
Niles: You wouldn't know how decent people behave.
Frasier: Niles...
Niles: You wouldn't know the meaning of the word "rectitude!"
Frasier: Niles, he wouldn't know the meaning of the word "dog," "cat," or "pencil!" He doesn't speak English, remember?!
Niles: [to Gunnar] How dare you steal my wife! [to Frasier] Translate!
Frasier: Oh, all right. [to Marta] Senor Crane quiere que preguntas a Gunnar, uh, "Como se atrevez a robar mis zapatos!"
Marta: [to Gunnar] Was fallt Dir ein meine Schuhe zu stehlen?
[Gunnar draws his sword on Niles]
Gunnar: Schweinehund!
[Frasier and Marta jump back in alarm.]
Niles: All right, fine, you want to challenge me? [throws off his jacket and grabs the other sword] En garde!
Frasier: Oh yes, Niles, that's just what we need, a fourth language!
[Gunnar has Niles pinned to the ground with his sword]
Gunnar: Entschuldige Dich sofort! Ich habe nicht Deine Schuhe gestohlen!
Niles: [to Frasier] Is he giving up?
Marta: Piedme perdon! Yo no te robo sus zapatos!
Frasier: He says he wants you to apologize. He didn't steal... your shoes!
Niles: My shoes?!
Frasier: Yes, I'm sorry. Apparently I mistranslated.

[edit] Agents in America, Part III [2.22]

[Niles reveals why Maris is leading the challenge for the wine club presidency]
Niles: Maris has photos she took at his wedding, photos which clearly show the label on the champagne he served.
Frasier: Domestic?
Niles: Not just domestic - from Connecticut!
[Bebe is trying to convince Frasier to renegotiate his contract]
Bebe: Niles, thank God you're here! Back me up here - give him some sound brotherly advice.
Niles: She's the Devil, Frasier - run fast, run far!
[Frasier is watching a daytime soap opera with Daphne and Martin]
Frasier: Is this what you do when I'm not at home?
Daphne: Not quite. When you're not here I can bloody well hear what they're saying!
Frasier: You wouldn't want to miss a line of this dialogue: "Oh Zirconia, can't you see Stone doesn't love you, he loves Placenta!"
[After Bebe has treated Daphne as a slave, she brings Bebe a snack]
Daphne: Will there be anything else?
Bebe: No, you run along, I'm fine.
Daphne: You're sure now? 'Cause I could wait until you've finished the biscuit and floss your teeth for you!
[After Niles has seen Bebe]
Frasier: The station agreed to renegotiate my contract.
Niles: Paid your commission up front, I see!
[Niles is telling Frasier of Maris first club outing as president to a winery where everyone got into the barrels to crush grapes]
Niles: Imagine her embarrassment when she danced herself into a fury and failed to break a single grape.

[edit] Dark Victory [2.24]

[During a power outage, Niles exits Frasier's apartment, then bursts back in a few minutes later, gasping for breath]
Niles: Nineteen floors down to my car! Garage door's electric! Can't open! Twenty floors back up! Lost count! Bad lady upstairs! Big dog! Need place to die!
Niles: You unpricipled charleton! You unconhanable fraud! Happy Birthday Dad.

[edit] Season 3

[edit] She's the Boss [3.1]

Caller/Mark: Uh hey Dr. Crane. It's Mark.
Frasier: Hello Mark, I'm listening.
Mark: Okay, well, I work at this all night mini-mart and, um, I've been watching myself on the video camera. And the camera me is doing things I don't approve of.
Bulldog: I need this job. I just promised my mom a new pacemaker. Wait, think I can get her to believe I said pastamaker?
Frasier: Oh God, Roz, I don't think I've helped a single person tonight.
Roz: Helped? You'll be lucky if you don't get sued. You told a longshoreman to come out of the closet, and a gay guy to spend more time on the docks.
Frasier: Well, you're the one who's supposed to keep track of who's on what line.
Roz: [hysterical] Okay, let me make it easy for you: freaks. Freaks on line one. Freaks on line two. FREAKS EVERYWHERE!
Roz: Frasier, I want you to flash forward to tonight. It's sometime after midnight. Dennis Abbott and I have just had a glorious meal at Le Ralee. Dennis has just asked me back to his penthouse apartment to see his priceless collection of silk sheets. And I lean forward and whisper, "I can't. I have to go to work in an hour." What is wrong with this picture?!
Frasier: Well, for starters, you at Le Ralee. It's a two-week wait.
Roz: So is Dennis Abbott!

[edit] Shrink Rap [3.2]

Martin: You know the best thing about getting old? Your hair may turn grey, your joints may stiffen, you may even have to walk with a cane. But people still ask you to help them move!
[Frasier has just thrown a potted plant out the window]
Niles: Are you insane?
Frasier: If I were, Doctor, you wouldn't know it!

[edit] Martin Does It His Way [3.3]

[Frasier has arrived home to find Eddie sprawled on his back on the sofa]
Frasier: Dad? I thought we had an agreement. Eddie doesn't roll around on my sofa and I don't throw him in front of a bus.
Niles: I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I don't mean to quibble but it seems like your heart is always going heidi-heedi, ringy-dingy, or scooby-dooby.
Martin: Look, I don't need another critic.
Niles: Fine, perhaps just a cardiologist.

[edit] Leapin' Lizards [3.4]

Bulldog: You're in the doghouse?
Caller: Hey, am I on?
Bulldog: Yeah, take as long as you want.
[Bulldog hangs up and goes to the next call]

[edit] Kisses Sweeter Than Wine [3.5]

[Daphne is wondering why Frasier can't tell the difference between some of her dishes]
Frasier: Seeing as you learned to cook in England, it's a wonder I can tell the difference between your pot roast and a braised tennis ball!
[Frasier asks Niles to help him move Martin's chair]
Niles: You know I don't lift.
Frasier: Yes - with that stick where it is, I'm surprised you can bend!
Roz: Well, when I'm handing out baloney sandwiches this weekend at the homeless shelter, it will do my heart good to know that a bunch of wealthy men are swishing two-hundred-dollar bottles of wine and spitting it into silver buckets!
Frasier: It's not like we don't recycle the bottles.
[Niles wants to bring his handyman, Joe, over to fix the scratch in the floor]
Niles: We're talking about a man who satisfied Maris, something that regrettably is still on my 'To Do' list.
Frasier: You have a bowling bag?
Niles: It was a gift from Maris. We've taken to giving each other gag gifts - I gave her a cook book!
[Frasier can't believe the mess he has got himself into with his apartment]
Frasier: [to Niles] If you were able to lift anything heavier than an emery board, we wouldn't be in this situation!
Niles: [About Daphne] She deserves a doctor, a lawyer - someone for whom a T-shirt is an undergarment.
Frasier: This is not like marriage vows, or a promise to a dying parent. This really, really counts.
Frasier: I cut myself because I was shaving with no water, and why was there no water? Because I had to move your chair which gouged the floor which made me call for Joe who found bad pipes which called for Cecil who ate the cat who killed the rat that lived in the house that Frasier built!

[edit] Sleeping With the Enemy [3.6]

Daphne: Oh, come on now, Dr Crane. It's not like men have never used sex to get what they want.
Frasier: How can we possibly use sex to get what we want? Sex is what we want!
Roz: Frasier, I spent that raise already - on my new diamond earrings! I love them. I love them so much, I slept with them.
Frasier: Well, Roz, as long as you're doing it for love, it's a step in the right direction.

[edit] The Adventures of Bad Boy and Dirty Girl [3.7]

Niles: I have a session with my multiple personality. Not to worry - if I'm late he can just talk amongst himself.
Bulldog: Doc, I got one thing to say to you--I am so proud of you, man!
Frasier: Doesn't that just put the cherry on the parfait?
Frasier: I am not the Happy Chef, I am the irritated psychologist Frasier Crane.
Niles: If you're talking about the little kiss you two shared, that hardly constitutes a dilemma. It's not as if you plunged into a tawdry office affair.
Frasier: No.
Niles: Then you'd have a real problem.
Frasier: Yes.
Niles: A kiss? It's nothing.
Frasier: Right.
Niles: [grinning] Had sex with her, didn't you?
Frasier: I've told half a dozen reporters that I'm not going to name names.
Roz: Yeah, don't you see this right here? [holds up newspaper] "I Won't Fink Says Kinky Shrink."
Frasier: Anyway, what I wanted to tell you was that, well, last night was one of the greatest nights of lovemaking I've had since... [Sees Roz entering Cafe Nervosa] ...Roz!
Kate: [Doesn't see Roz] Tell me she just walked in.

[edit] The Last Time I Saw Maris [3.8]

[Martin is giving description of Maris to the police]
Martin: Yes, thin - make that very thin. Caucasian... make that very Caucasian.
[Frasier talking to Eddie]
Frasier: You can eat some of Daphne's Shepherd Pie... [Daphne is walking in] lord knows it's not fit for a human.

[edit] Frasier Grinch [3.9]

[Bulldog stands over Roz with a Mistletoe hanging from his cap]

Bulldog: Hey Roz, you know what's over my head?
Roz: Almost any clever remark.
Bulldog: What'd she mean by that?
[Frasier is opening the package he ordered.]
Frasier: Dad, I'm sorry, if Frederick's anything like me, the kind of toys he'll like to play with are... [He looks in the box, and is dismayed] ...a kitchen set, a dollhouse and three kinds of Barbies! This is for a Franklin Crane from Kenibunkport. God, you realize what this means?!
Niles: [deadpan] Yes. The Cranes of Maine have got your Living Brain.

[edit] It's Hard to Say Goodbye If You Won't Leave [3.10]

Daphne: There's nothing quite as exciting as a first date. All those questions you ask. "What's your favorite food?", "What's your favorite color?", "If you were to come back as an animal, what sort would you be?". If she were to ask that one, what you you say?
Frasier: "Cheque please."

[edit] The Friend [3.11]

Niles: [explaining why he doesn't want to go to the horse race] It's the jockeys, if you must know. Diminutive, underweight figures in expensive silks wielding riding crops just remind me too much of Maris.

[edit] Come Lie With Me [3.12]

Frasier: Daphne, you can't go. You have to stay. I've only just recently realized how important you are to us. You see, if you go, Dad and I will kill each other. I'm not just tossing out hyperbole here. I'm speaking in the most literal sense. Dad and I--both dead! Only he'll be lying there with a bacteria-ridden sponge protruding from his mouth like a bloated tongue.
Frasier: [To Martin] Would you get Eddie off of the couch -- or else it's out to the garbage chute for the thrill ride of his life!

[edit] Moon Dance [3.13]

Niles: I've taken Maris to hundreds of these events and she has not once wanted to dance. Of course, Maris hates public displays of rhythm.
[Martin is reading the paper in his armchair and gets an idea when Daphne comes in with the laundry]
Martin: Hey Daphne, bring that laundry over here, will you?
Daphne: What for?
Martin: Well, I was just reading about an intelligence test you can give your dog. You throw a towel over its head and see how long it takes him to shake it off. [calling] Eddie! [Eddie scampers in. As Daphne watches with amusement, Martin takes a small dish towel and throws it over his head.]
Daphne: Oh, and the faster he takes the towel off, the smarter he is?
Martin: [sarcastic] No, the faster he folds it. All right, they ranked all the dogs and the smartest was a border collie; he did it in seven seconds. [starts timing] All right, come on boy, take it off. [Eddie doesn't move] Six... seven. OK, the next fastest one was a poodle, I know he's as smart as a poodle. [counts off on his watch] OK, so he's no poodle... he's not a beagle either... or a German shepherd... or a Labrador. Oh, for God's sake, Eddie!
Daphne: Yes, well, if you ask me, he's refusing to do that trick because he knows if he does it right, you'll have him doing it every time we have company.
Martin: Hey, I'll bet you're right! [takes the towel off and shakes a finger at Eddie] Nice going, Eddie!
Daphne: Oh Dr. Crane, it's beautiful.
Niles: Just for tonight, could you call me Niles?
Daphne: You know, when I was at school, I knew a boy named Niles and I called him Niley.
Niles: [after a slight confused pause] Just for tonight, could you call me Niles?
Frasier: What the hell was that? [he asks after seeing Niles pick Daphne up for a date.]
Martin: Eddie, did you hear something? It can't be Frasier, he's still on vacation.
Martin: So this one night I invited her down to the corner bar.
Niles: Coroners have their own bar?
Martin: No, corner, Niles, the corner bar!
Daphne: Now start with your left foot.
Niles: Which one?
Martin: Take my word for it. You're sticking a fork in the toaster here.
Niles: Well, my muffin's stuck!

[edit] The Show Where Diane Comes Back [3.14]

Niles: : I'll be there at seven with a cheeky Bordeaux.

[edit] Look Before You Leap [3.16]

Roz: What!? You're backing out after you made all of us take those stupid leaps.
Frasier: You bet I am! It may be an unwise man who doesn't learn from his own mistakes, but it's an absolute idiot that doesn't learn from other people's.
Daphne: [to Niles] Would you like me to butter your buns for you, Dr. Crane?
Niles: You don't realize how desperate I am. Ever since our separation, I've been paying women to touch me.
Frasier: Oh, Niles.
Niles: Manicurists, pedicurists, facialists. Whenever you see a man who's well groomed, you can bet he's not gettin' any.
[Martin talks about his harrowing plane trip.]
Martin: Our landing gear's out, we're gonna have to do an emergency belly landing in six feet of foam! So, five hellish minutes later, we're bouncing across the runway. Then the stewardess comes out and says we're gonna have to go down the emergency slide. So down I go, headfirst into this sea of foam. Last thing I remember, this fat lady from across the aisle comes barrelling down the chute after me like a polyester avalanche!
Frasier: My God, Dad, I am so sorry.
Niles: So, so, these stewardesses, were they also covered with foam?
Niles: I need something to take my mind off the fact that at this very moment, Maris is slipping out of her frilly under-things and into a non-fat milk bath.
Niles: I don't care! Niles gotta have it!

[edit] High Crane Drifter [3.17]

Frasier: Do you happen to have another copy of How Green Was My Valley?
Video Store Clerk: Oh yeah, that'd be across the street in our How Green Was My Valley annex.

[edit] Where There's Smoke There's Fired [3.21]

[Niles needs $4000 for a footstool]
Martin: For $4000 bucks?! Niles, your mother and I didn't pay that much for our first house!
Niles: I know Dad - I lived there.
Roz: You spend money like a drunken sailor.
Niles: ...She said authoritatively.
[Frasier meets the new station owner, Wilford S. Boone]
Frasier: Don't be silly, Mr Boone.
Big Willy: Actually, I prefer Big Willy.
Frasier: Don't be silly, Big Willy.
[Niles doesn't believe Bebe can quit smoking on her own]
Niles: You obviously didn't see the crazed, cunning glint in her eyes.
Frasier: She always looks like that - she's an agent.
[Daphne tells Bebe she can just give up smoking with no withdrawal symptoms]
Bebe: You know there's a word for people like that. What is it? Oh yes, "bitch"!
[Frasier tells Bebe if she doesn't quit, she won't be his wife at the funeral]
Frasier: You'll be watching the widow Boone. Tiffany, perhaps, or better yet, Kelli with an "I".

[edit] You Can Go Home Again [3.24]

[after the first ten minutes of his first show] In the last week I've uprooted myself from my home of fifteen years, moved all the way across the country away from everything I care about, and plunged myself into a frightening new career! In the first few nerve-wracking minutes, I walk in here and find my producer lobbying to get herself transferred to another show! Abe Lincoln had a brighter future when he picked up his tickets at the box office!

[edit] Season 4

[edit] The Two Mrs. Cranes [4.1]

[Daphne is pretending to be Niles' wife in order to let down her ex-fiancé down easily]
Clive: Daphne, I noticed in the phone book, your surname still is Moon.
Niles: That must be an old book. Now she hyphenates. It's Moon-Crane.
Martin: [pretending to be a retired astronaut] I remember the first time I drove a moon crane. Damn near rolled it right into the Sea of Tranquillity!

[edit] Love Bites Dog [4.2]

Bob "Bulldog" Briscoe: Hey, I have no sense of decency. That way my other senses are enhanced!

[edit] Our Father Whose Art Ain't Heaven [4.8]

Frasier: [about Maris] By calling her so many times, you give her all the power! You're much better off coming from a position of strength!
Niles: Don't pour that sherry on your shirt, it will stain.
Frasier: What?
Niles: Oh, I'm sorry. I thought this was the portion of the afternoon where we give each other patently obvious advice.
Niles: [about Maris] She's already flown in a sculptor from Sweden to capture her likeness in ice.
Frasier: Ah, the perfect marriage of subject and medium!

[edit] Dad Loves Sherry, the Boys Just Whine [4.9]

Sherry: I just love making people laugh. I think humor is like medicine.
Niles: [quietly, to Frasier] Oh, we must be in the placebo group.
Frasier: [To Niles]] I see you are still waiting on your spine donor!

[edit] Three Days of the Condo [4.11]

Man: You are our only chance, Dr. Crane and she must be defeated. She is evil! Heckles in 1704 was two days late with his condo fee and she lowered the water pressure in his shower. Eventually he died.
Frasier: Of bad water pressure?
Man: No, I think it was a hunting accident. But he spent his last months on this earth unable to get all the conditioner out of his hair.

[edit] Death and the Dog [4.12]

Daphne: Do you suppose a dog psychiatrist could be the answer?
Frasier: Only if the question is "What is the most asinine thing we could possibly do?"
Daphne: [dreamily] If Eddie were one of the Beatles, I think he'd be George... I don't know why. [She exits]
Frasier: [to Niles] And yet she's never been committed. [imitating her] I don't know why!
Niles: [about death] I've always liked the thought of meeting the great people of history, but then I think "what if it's like high school and none of the really cool dead people want to talk to me?" Mozart'll tell me he's busy, but then later I'll see him out with Shakespeare and Lincoln!

[edit] To Kill a Talking Bird [4.14]

Frasier: [eyeing Martin's chair] Dad, when are you going to stop blighting the environment with this monstrosity? My God, can't you see that it wants to die? Let it go.
Martin: You know, I keep having this dream where you're saying the same thing, only I'm in the hospital and you're slipping the nurse a twenty.
Frasier: Dad, that will never happen.
Martin: Thank you.
Frasier: I have medical power of attorney, it won't cost me a thing.
Niles: [about to introduce his new pet bird] She's very exotic, she only eats every other day, and she's so white she's almost blue.
Martin: Geez, I'm gettin' nervous - that's what he said just before he introduced us to Maris!

[edit] Ham Radio [4.18]

[in the middle of a live performance of a radio drama]
Roz: There's someone outside that window!
Frasier: Why, yes, Ms. Thorndyke, it appears to be...[cues organ music, but calliope music plays instead]...the ice cream truck!

[edit] Three Dates and a Breakup [4.19]

Niles: Her lips said "no" but her eyes said "read my lips."

[edit] Daphne Hates Sherry [4.20]

Daphne: [about Sherry] She says I'm too rigid.
Niles: Nonsense!
Daphne: And that I'm too picky.
Niles: Poppycock!
Daphne: And that I'd be much happier if I just went out and had sex with someone.
[pause]
Niles: Just to play devil's advocate...
Frasier: As we speak, hordes of viral Visigoths are hurling themselves over the battlements of my immune system, laying waste to my... Oh, dear God, you see how weak I am? I can't even finish a simple Visigoth metaphor.

[edit] Are You Being Served? [4.21]

Roz: I read somewhere that if you have physical contact on a regular basis, it can actually extend your life.
Frasier: Well in that case, you should outlive Styrofoam.
Niles: [Hoping to reunite with Maris] I saw a twinkle in her eye. One I have not seen since the neighbor children discovered our new electric fence.

[edit] Odd Man Out [4.23]

Frasier Crane: [after Niles has got his tie caught in the zipper of Daphne's dress] Niles, there's something on your tie.
Daphne: Dr. Crane was helping we with my dress, and now he's caught.
Frasier: Yes, he is.
Daphne: I was just about to step right out of this dress and embarrass poor Dr Crane to death.
Niles: Well, we all have to die of something.
Frasier: I just can't picture Maris in Dad's '82 Impala.
Niles: Neither could she, at first. I'll never forget the look of wonder on her face at touching vinyl for the first time. She said it made her feel cheap and dirty, and she liked it. I was her first bad boy.

[edit] Season 5

[edit] The Kid [5.4]

[Frasier enters Café Nervosa]
Frasier: Morning, Roz!
Roz: [annoyed] Frasier! What are you doing here?
Frasier: Oh, I realize it must be a shock to see me here in this place I come to every day of my life.
Frasier: Hey, Dad, what are you doing here?
Martin: Oh, Sherry took her sister to that store across the street to buy some "foundation garments".
Frasier: I think they call them "bras" now.
Martin: Not these, you don't. You could cross the River Kwai on one of those babies.

[edit] Voyage of the Damned [5.6]

[Frasier and Roz are spying on Maris through a keyhole, though they are not sure if she's in the cabin]
Roz: I see her coat on a hat rack
Frasier: Look closer, is the hat rack moving?
Roz: Oh my god!

[edit] My Fair Frasier [5.7]

Frasier: You didn't tell him you were pregnant before the date?
Roz: Well, it's not the easiest thing in the world to tell someone. Besides, I was hoping my radiant glow would do the talking for me.
Frasier: Your "glow", oh please, Roz, do you ever think that anyone... could miss your radiant glow?
Roz: So, I tell him, and he says "fine, it's not a problem." Five minutes later, he tells me his pager is vibrating. He has an emergency, he has to go to work.
Frasier: Well, maybe he was telling the truth.
Roz: He sells wicker furniture. Who needs their end tables re-caned at 9:30 at night?

[edit] Where Every Bloke Knows Your Name [5.10]

[In a flashback to Frasier and Niles at school, the pair don't think much of the lunch in the cafeteria]
Young Niles: This lunch is a culinary Hindenburg!
[Niles is on the phone to someone]
Niles: Bravo! Excellente! Bellissimo! You'll never guess who that was.
Frasier: The Three Tenors?
[Niles sees Frasier is restless with his usual routine, and searches for different things for them to do]
Niles: There's a wonderful lecture series on the history of Modern Lecture Series.
[Martin thinks Frasier won't fit in with his friends as he doesn't know any dirty jokes like Roz does]
Frasier: If that's the criteria, I'll bet I could tell a story or two that'll make you blush like a schoolgirl!
Martin: That's what I'm afraid of.
[Frasier is very quick to dismiss Daphne's suggestion of meeting her friend Claire for a date]
Frasier: I think by now you would know my policy on fix-ups.
Daphne: She's pretty, she's lonely and she's an underwear model.
Frasier: So you do know my policy!
[Daphne is ill, and also tired of Frasier always being at her English pub]
Frasier: You've got to be careful what you bring down to the pub with you.
Daphne: Tell me about it!
[Niles' gift of an antique saddle for Maris was a disaster]
Niles: Apparently the oils in the saddle reacted badly with her cellulite cream, creating a powerful epoxy.
[Frasier is winning in his darts match against Daphne]
Frasier: I score again!
Daphne: That's not something we hear out of your mouth very often!

[edit] The Zoo Story [5.12]

[the station has hired a tough negotiator, "The Hammer" to renegotiate everyone's contract. Gil's salary has been slashed, but Bebe comes in with Roz, cheering]
Gil Chesterson: How on earth did you get all that?
Bebe: Oh, we go way back, the Hammer and I. I know where the bodies are buried. [pause] Usually, that's just a metaphor...

[edit] Room Service [5.15]

[Lilith's husband has left her for their male contractor]
Lilith: Ironic, isn't it? No sooner do I get the closet of my dreams than my husband comes out of it.
Lilith: Niles, sorry to hear your marriage ended in a shambles.
Niles: Ditto.

[Frasier has caught Lilith and Niles in bed together]

Frasier: I suppose, in a twisted way, there is one positive for me in all of this. You see, Lilith, I have never stopped desiring you, even though we are completely wrong for each other! But now, whenever I look at your face, I will see the back of my brother's head! And that is one bucket of ice water, let me tell ya!

[edit] Frasier Gotta Have It [5.19]

[Niles scoffs at Frasier's claim that he and Caitlin have something in common]
Niles: The only thing you two have in common is the faint impression of the word Sealy on your backside!
[Frasier wonders if Niles even listens to his radio show]
Niles: Of course I listen occasionally but I'm usually busy between 11 and 1.
Frasier: My show's on from 2 to 5!
Caitlin gets to see Frasier's apartment for the first time, and spies Martin's chair]
Caitlin: Oh my God! This is the coolest chair!
[Frasier tells his family that he tried, and failed, to break up with Caitlin]
Frasier: Why? Because I'm Frasier, and I'm a sexaholic!
[Frasier tries to explain to Caitlin why he thinks things won't work out between them]
Frasier: I'm basically your stuffy, buttoned down sort of guy, you're a free-spirited, adventurous mouse-painting, moon-howling sort of girl!

[edit] Roz and the Schnoz [5.21]

Roz: [on having in-laws without being married] That's like posing nude for your art teacher and still flunking the course. [Frasier is shocked] Shut up. I needed the credits.

[edit] Season 6

[