Glee (TV series)
From Wikiquote
Glee is an American television show, which premiered on September 9, 2009 and is currently airing on Fox.
The series stars Matthew Morrison as Will Schuester, Jane Lynch as Sue Sylvester, Lea Michele as Rachel Berry, Cory Monteith as Finn Hudson, Amber Riley as Mercedes Jones, Chris Colfer as Kurt Hummel, Jenna Ushkowitz as Tina Cohen-Chang, Kevin McHale as Artie Abrams, Mark Salling as Noah "Puck" Puckerman, Dianna Agron as Quinn Fabray, Jayma Mays as Emma Pillsbury, and Jessalyn Gilsig as Terri Schuester.
Contents |
[edit] Season 1
[edit] Pilot
- Sue Sylvester: Your resentment is delicious.
- Rachel Berry: You might laugh because every time I sign my name I put a gold star after it, but it's a metaphor. And metaphors are important. My gold stars are a metaphor for me being a star.
- Rachel Berry: Nowadays, being anonymous is worse than being poor.
- Will Schuester: It wouldn't make any difference. Possession is eight-tenths of the law. I'm pretty sure that much pot is a felony! Yeah. You'll get kicked out of school. You'll lose your football scholarship.
- Finn Hudson: Wait... I had a football scholarship? To where?
- Finn Hudson: I don't want to be the guy that just drives around throwing eggs at people.
- Rachel Berry: That was you?
- Kurt Hummel: You and your friends threw pee balloons at me.
- Finn Hudson: I know.
- Kurt Hummel: You nailed all my lawn furniture to my roof.
- Finn Hudson: I wasn't actually there for that, but I'm really sorry.
[edit] Showmance
- Will Schuester: My father always said you become a man when you buy your first house. I'm not sure what he meant by that, since he burned ours down once after a drunken fight with Mom.
- Sue Sylvester: Lady Justice wept today.
- Quinn Fabray: God bless the perv that invented these. Remember the power motto girls:
- Cheerios: It's all about the teasing and not about the pleasing!
- Sue Sylvester: Let me be the one to break the silence. That was the most offensive thing I've seen in twenty years of teaching. And that includes an elementary school production of Hair.
- Sue Sylvester: My first thought was that your students should be put into foster care, but you're the one who should be punished.
[edit] Acafellas
- Kurt Hummel: My dad bought it for me when he made me promise to stop wearing form-fitting sweaters that stop at the knee.
- Choreographer: What was that: Frankenteen? Why don't you wipe that dopey look off your face and get some lotion for those knuckles you've been dragging on the ground?
- Finn Hudson: What's wrong with you?
- Choreographer: What's wrong with me? What's wrong with me is that you're freakishly tall! I feel like a woodland creature!
- Sandy: Who's Josh Groban? Kill yourself! He is an angel sent down to release platinum records unto us.
[edit] Preggers
- Sue Sylvester: Not everyone's going to have the walnuts to take a pro-littering stance, but I will not rest until every inch of our fair state is covered in garbage. That's why I pay taxes. It keeps garbage men working so they can afford tacos. To feed their families.
- Sue Sylvester: Boy, the only thing missing from this place is a couple dozen bodies limed and rotting in shallow graves under the floorboards.
- Will Schuester: You have always been out to get me.
- Sue Sylvester: If I were out to get you, you'd be pickling in a mason jar on my shelf by now.
- Finn Hudson: Check this out. I got this at the school library. Did you know you can just borrow books from there? All of 'em, except for the encyclopedias.
- Sue Sylvester: You know, there's a question I get asked a lot. Whether I'm accepting an honorary doctorate or performing a citizen's arrest, people ask me, "Sue, what's your secret?" Well, I'll tell you my secret, western Ohio. Sue Sylvester's not afraid to shake things up. You know, I'm tired of hearing people complain, "I'm riddled with this disease!" or "I was in that tsunami!" To them, I say "Shake it up a bit! Get out of your box! Even if that box happens to be where you're living." I'll often yell at homeless people. "Hey, how's that homelessness working out for ya? Give not being homeless a try, huh?" You know something, Ohio? It's not easy breaking out of your comfort zone. People will tear you down, tell you you shouldn't have bothered in the first place, but let me tell you something. There's not much of a difference between a stadium full of cheering fans and an angry crowd screaming abuse at you. They're both just making a lot of noise. How you take it is up to you. Convince yourself they're cheering for you. You do that, and someday, they will!
[edit] The Rhodes Not Taken
- Will Schuester: Hey, how come you haven't had any morning sickness? Quinn Fabray's been upchucking every fifteen minutes.
- Terri Schuester: Really? That's a really good sign! That means the baby's not a mongoloid!
- April Rhodes: Your lack of imagination astounds me! This is only the beginning! If you can master this, you can sneak anything out of a store between your knees: shoes, prom dresses. I once got a cake out a a kid's birthday party with the candles still lit!
- Emma Pillsbury: Kurt, I'm a girl who knows her solvents and your breath smells like rubbing alcohol.
- Kurt Hummel: Oh Bambi, I cried so hard when those hunters shot your mommy.
- Emma Pillsbury: I just got back from the emergency room. I had them give me four decontamination showers. I think they call that the full Silkwood.
- Will Schuester: What happened?
- Emma Pillsbury: Kurt was drunk and he ralphed on me. Not really fessing up to how he got the booze just yet, but I'm pretty sure it's not a fake I.D. because he looks like an eleven-year-old milkmaid. Will, I think it was April. Her backpack's always clinking with empties.
- Sue Sylvester: You know, when I heard Sandy wanted to write himself into a scene as Queen Cleopatra, I was aroused... then furious.
[edit] Vitamin D
- Sue Sylvester: You have to remember something. We're dealing with children. They need to be terrified. It's like mother's milk to them. Without it, their bones won't grow properly.
- Sue Sylvester: Dear Journal, feeling listless again today. It began at dawn, when I tried to make a smoothie out of beef bones, breaking my juicer. And then, at Cheerios practice, disaster. It was unmistakable. It was like spotting the first spark on the Hindenburg. A quiver! That quiver will lose us nationals, and without a championship, I'd lose my endorsements, and without those endorsements, I won't be able to buy my hovercraft.
- Sue Sylvester: Let me be frank. Your husband is hiding his kielbasa in a Hickory Farms gift basket that doesn't belong to you.
- Terri Schuester: But I'm not a nurse. I work at Sheets and Things.
- Sue Sylvester: I'm not an American citizen. I was born in the Panama Canal zone. But I managed to get a passport, and run for office twice.
- Finn Hudson: Being a guy my age is tough. Between Glee and football and school and being popular, I'm just kind of overwhelmed. Everyone wants something from me, and I don't have the energy to do it all. I don't know how important people like Presidents or newscasters or mob bosses do it. My mom says I'm stretched too thin, so I gave up homework, but that didn't help. All I know is, last night I got vaporized on level two. Level two. And I didn't even have the energy to care.
[edit] Throwdown
- Sue Sylvester: Your psychosexual derangement would be fascinating if it weren't so terrifying!
- Jacob Ben Israel: The independent polling company in my Dockers has determined that you're the hottest girl in this school.
- Rachel Berry: Ew.
- Will Schuester: I will destroy you.
- Sue Sylvester: I'm about to vomit down your back.
- Will Schuester: It's on.
- Sue Sylvester: What happened to our little agreement, huh? Will I be uploading a certain video to YouTube this afternoon?
- Principal Figgins: Oh, Sue, I put it on YouTube myself, and it only got two hits! Let me break it down for you: nobody cares!
- Finn Hudson: I figured we should name our kid something more original and poetic. Then I came up with the best baby name of all time: Drizzle!
- Quinn Fabray: Drizzle?
- Finn Hudson: Yeah, yeah, 'cause you know how awesome it is when it's just drizzling outside, but it's not really rain, so it smells like rain but you don't need an umbrella to go outside...
- Quinn Fabray: Are you a moron?
- Finn Hudson: What?
- Quinn Fabray: We are not naming our baby Drizzle. We are not naming our baby anything. Finish your test, Finn.
[edit] Mashup
- Rachel Berry: I can't do this.
- Noah Puckerman: Why? We're a couple of good-lookin' Jews. It's natural.
- Rachel Berry: I can't give myself to someone who isn't brave enough to sing a solo. If you don't have the guts to do that, how are you gonna be able to deal with the ups and downs of loving an admittedly high maintenance girl like me?
- Noah Puckerman: Are you questioning my badassness? Have you seen my guns?
- Sue Sylvester: I will go to the animal shelter and get you a kitty cat. I will let you fall in love with that kitty cat. And then on some dark cold night, I’ll steal away into your home and punch you in the face.
- Sue Sylvester: You sunk my battleship, Rod. You sunk it hard.
[edit] Wheels
- Kurt Hummel: We all know that I'm more popular than Rachel and, uh, I dress better, too. But I want you to promise me that you'll only vote for whomever sings the song the best, okay?
- Kurt Hummel: I love you more than I love being a star.
- Artie Abrams: I want to be clear; I still have the use of my penis.
[edit] Ballads
- Terri: Listen, you little psycho: this is Will's wife and if I don't get enough sleep, my antidepressants won't work and then I'll go crazy and I'll kill you! Stop calling!
- Kurt: Girls. They're your problem. They're up, they're down. Girls.
- Finn: It's the baby. She's my daughter and... there are so many things I want to say to her and I'm never going to be able to.
- Kurt: Like what?
- Finn: Well, like how I don't want her to think that her father just abandoned her. How I'd do anything for her. How no matter what I do, I'm always thinking about her. How I'm going to spend my whole life loving her and she's never even gonna know.
- Emma: If we were to rank crushable teachers in this school, you'd be number one with a bullet.
- Suzy Pepper: [to Rachel] We're both mildly attractive and extremely grating.
- Suzy Pepper: Love is hard for us. We look for boys we know we can never have. Mr. Schu is a perfect target for our self-esteem issues. He can never reciprocate our feelings, which only reinforces the conviction that we’re not worthy of being loved.
[edit] Hairography
- Will Schuester: I remember I took you to prom in this car. We did it in the back seat!
- Terri Schuester: You don't drink diet soda, do you? Because it can cause baldness.
- Quinn Fabray: My baby's a girl.
- Terri Schuester: Women go bald, too.
- Kendra: You worry too much, Terri! Mom smoked every night when she was pregnant and we turned out perfectly normal!
- Kurt Hummel: [to Rachel] Most of the time I find it difficult to be in the same room with you— especially this one. This looks like the place where Strawberry Shortcake and Holly Hobby come to hook up.
