Greg Giraldo

Greg Giraldo (December 10, 1965 – September 29, 2010) was an American stand-up comedian, television personality, insult comic and former lawyer.

Just For Laughs

• George Bush says two gay people getting married would violate the sanctity of marriage. The sanctity of marriage. The sanctity. The sanctity. Is anybody here married? Does it feel like a gift from God to you? Sanctity of marriage? You could - You could get married in Vegas at 5 o'clock in the morning to a toothless crack whore you met fifteen minutes ago. Not - Not only do I think gay people should have the right to be married. They should have to get married! Because I'm a little tired of their happy-go-lucky lifestyles. They - they, should have to suffer like everybody else. I'm - I'm sick of walking by these sidewalk cafe's you see these guys sitting there they're all 60 years old but they look great, they're all tan and muscular because they don't have some sucking the will to live right out of em. If you had to be married; being married to a guy would be great. Could you imagine saying something, but having the words you said interpreted exactly the way that you intended your words to be interpreted? That would be a nice touch, wouldn't it? "Remember what you said ten years ago when we were driving in the car on the way to my mother's house?" -- "No." -- "Oh me neither! I'm a dude. Forget it. Nevermind. I was about to torture you with some fake transcription skills that I knew you couldn't really call me on, and then I was going to punish you for not remembering something that you actually never did in the first place, but instead since I'm a dude we can just shut up, we can just drive along, listen to some music, have a good afternoon after all. Being married to a guy would be great. I didn't even used to believe in soulmates, the whole concept of soulmates, I never used to believe in soul mates until I saw Sigfreid and Roy...cause there you have a gay Lion-tamer who hooked up with another gay Lion-tamer! What are the odds of that happening?!? Talk about holding out for Mr. Right, that seems like a pretty beautiful story. People say they can't find someone who shares their interests, two German dudes who play with Tigers in the desert, that doesn't seem vaguely Biblical to anyone else?

Sourced

Flavor Flav Comedy Central Roast(2007)

• Flav, you look like Idi Amin after a three year crack binge on the sun.
• God, you are a big, ghoulish woman. I'm talking to you, Carrot Top.
• Flav, you look like a skeleton wrapped in electrical tape.
• Gary Busey is here, sort of. You look like Nick Nolte fucked a Clydesdale.

Midlife Vices (2009)

• There are more whipped guys on television than there were on the Amistad.

. A gaggle of squawking twats

Joan Rivers Comedy Central Roast (2009)

• Holy shit, Gilbert! You look like you smell like pee.
• Mario! You are one, tiny loudmouth fairy. You're the only guy I know who takes a stepladder into a gloryhole.
• What a night! A couple of trolls, a fairy, and a giant all going after a sunken-eyed little monster that's obsessed with jewelery. It's like The Lord of the Rings!
• Joan, you are one irritating Jew-broad! The first time I heard your voice, my foreskin fell off.

David Hasslehoff Comedy Central Roast (2010)

• Jeff, you bloated hack! Your jokes are so old, they know who George Hamilton is.
• Hamilton, you're like tang. You're dry, orange, and no one has given a fuck about you since 1968.
• Hamilton, you're like a walking tumor. Not exactly; it's a big deal when you spot a tumor.