Henry Beard (born ca. 1945) is an American humourist, co-founder of National Lampoon magazine. Beard has written several humorous books, including about Latin, French and cats. Many of the most widely quoted bits of mock Latin are to be found in Beard.
Latin for All Occasions (1990)
- Latin for All Occasions, 1990: A book of various phrases in Latin humorously based on modern forms.
- Si hoc signum legere potes, operis boni in rebus Latinis alacribus et fructuosis potiri potes!
If you can read this sign, you can get a good job in the fast-paced, high-paying world of Latin!
- Si hoc adfixum in obice legere potes, et liberaliter educatus et nimis popinquus ades.
If you can read this bumper sticker, you are both very well educated and much too close.
- Si fractum non sit, noli id reficere.
If it ain't broke, don't fix it.
- Anates tuas in acie instrue.
Get your ducks in a row.
- Lege atque lacrima.
Read-em and weep.
- Sentio aliquos togatos contra me conspirare.
I think some people in togas are plotting against me.
- Canis meus id comedit.
My dog ate it.
- Nullae satisfactionis potiri non possum.
I can't get no satisfaction.
- Utinam logica falsa tuam philosophiam totam suffodiant!
May faulty logic undermine your entire philosophy!
- Quantum illae stolae pependisti?
You paid how much for that dress?
- Having done these things, they made the sacrifices prescribed by custom lest they be found lacking in filial piety.
- An all-purpose phony translation for Latin inscriptions.
- Hidden Latin Insults
- Podex perfectus es.
Claim it means: You did a terrific job.
What it really means: You are a total asshole.
- Stercorem pro cerebro habes.
Claim it means: That's certainly food for thought.
What it really means: You have shit for brains.
- Futue te ipsum et caballum tuum.
Claim it means: I've really got to take my hat off to you.
What it really means: Fuck you and the horse you rode in on.
- Phony ailments
- Taedium pellucidorum.
An eye condition that keeps you from looking at people's slides.