- I need for you to be serious for a second here, okay? I need help.
- They're watering crops with a sports drink?
- You know things are bad when they're coming to me for answers.
- Today I step into the shoes of a great man, a man by the name of Dwayne Elizondo Mountain Dew Herbert Camacho.
- People wrote books and movies, movies that had stories, so you cared whose ass it was and why it was farting.
- You think Einstein walked around thinking everyone was a bunch of dumb-shits? Now you know why he built that bomb.
- That's good, cause I charge by the hour.
- I like money.
- Go away! I'm 'batin'!
- I like havin' sex with chicks.
- There's a shuttle down in the Costco. It'll drop us right by the time machine.
- If I had some money and a room at the White House, I'd be like, "It's mine, all night!"
- What's the minus of 30 and 20?
- So you're smart, huh? I thought your head would be bigger. Looks like a peanut!
- Shut up. Sit your monkey ass down. Chill out.
- Shit. I know shit's bad right now with all that starvin' bullshit. And the dust storms. And we runnin' out of French Fries and burrito coverings. But I got a solution.
- Come on scro', don't be a pussy! Besides, you do a kick-ass job and you get a full pardon.
Judge Hank "The Hangman" BMW
- Now, since you all say you ain't got no money, we have "proprietarily" obtained for you one of them court-appointed lawyers, so put your hands together and give it up for Frito Pendejo!
- But the English language had deteriorated into a hybrid of hillbilly, valley girl, inner city slang, and various grunts.
- Joe was about to learn, that in the future, justice was not only blind, but had become rather retarded as well.
- Brawndo the Thirst Mutilator had come to replace water virtually everywhere.
- After several hours, Joe finally gave up on logic and reason, and simply told the cabinet that he could talk to plants and that they wanted water.
- Dwayne Elizondo Camacho …Five-time Ultimate Smackdown champion …Porn superstar …And president of the United States.
- If you don't smoke Tarrlytons... Fuck you!
- Carl's Jr: Fuck you! I'm eating.
- [the "Fuddruckers" company's name has changed over the years] Buttfuckers
- "Extra Big Ass Fries!"
- Formica Davis: Well, it started off boring and slow, with Not Sure trying to bullshit everyone with a bunch of smart talk: '"Blah blah blah. You gotta believe me!"' That part of the trial sucked! But then the Chief J. just went off. He said, '"Man, whatever! The guy's guilty as shit! We all know that."' And he sentenced his ass to one night of rehabilitation.
- Carl's Jr. Computer: Enjoy your EXTRA BIG ASS FRIES! Would you like to try an EXTRA BIG ASS TACO? Now with more BAR-B-Q SAUCE!
- Various: I like money.
- Time Machine Narrator: ...First to the year 1939 when Charlie Chaplin and his evil Nazi regime enslaved Europe and tried to take over the world! ... But then an even greater force emerged: The un! [sic; United Nations] And the un un-nazied the world! Forever!
- Costco Greeter: Welcome to Costco, I love you... Welcome to Costco, I love you...
- Dr. Lexus: Don't wanna sound like a dick or nothin', but it says on your chart that you're fucked up. Ah, you talk like a fag, and your shit's all retarded. What I'd do, is just like... ha ha... like... aha... you know, like, you know what I mean, like... haha...
- Dr. Lexus: Don't worry scro'! There are plenty of 'tards out there living really kick ass lives. My first wife was 'tarded. She's a pilot now.
- Robot Vacuum: Your floor-- your floor is now clean.
- Ow My Balls! Guy: Ow, my balls!
- Joe: Why me? Every time Metzler says, "Lead, follow, or get out of the way," I get out of the way.
- Sgt. Keller: Yeah, when he says that, you're not supposed to choose "get out of the way." It's supposed to embarrass you into leading, or at least following.
- Joe: That doesn't embarrass me.
- [Joe's Hibernation Pod crashes through Frito's window]
- Joe: Where's...?
- Frito: Hold on. Shut up.
- Joe: Where's Officer Collins?
- Frito: Shut up!
- Joe: Are we on base?
- Frito: I'll base your ass on my fist! In your face, ass! Shut up!
- Joe: I'm sorry, it's just, where am I?
- Frito: Shut up! I told you already.
- [Frito throws Joe out the window]
- Frito: Yeah! Won't Shut up! Come in here and not shut up. Yeah, you're like "I'm not shuttin' up..."
- Program: Please speak your name as it appears on your current federal identity card. Document number G24L8.
- Joe: I'm not sure if—
- Program: You have entered the name "Not Sure". Is this correct, Not Sure?
- Joe: No, it's not correct.
- Program: Thank you. "Not" is correct. Is "Sure" correct?
- Joe: No it's not. My name is Joe—
- Program: You've already confirmed your first name is "Not". Please confirm your last name "Sure".
- Joe: My last name is not "Sure".
- Program: Thank you, "Not Sure".
- Joe: No. What I mean is that my name is Joe.
- Program: Confirmation is complete. Please wait while I tattoo your new identity on your arm.
- Joe and Frito are walking through a Costco, much bigger than what was in Joe's time
- Greeter: Hi, welcome to Costco. I love you.
- Frito: Yeah, I know this place pretty good. I went to law school here.
- Joe: You went to law school at Costco?
- Frito: So did my father. Thank God for being a legacy, or else I might not have gotten in.
- Joe: Man, I could really go for a Starbucks, you know?
- Frito: Yeah, well, I really don't think we have time for a hand job, Joe.
- Frito: I can't believe you like money too. We should hang out.
- Cameraman: Totally.
- Rita:You think Einstein walked around thinking everyone was a bunch of dumb-shits?
- Joe: Yeah. Hadn't thought of that.
- Rita: Now you know why he built that bomb.
- Joe: For the last time, I'm pretty sure what's killing the crops is this Brawndo stuff.
- Secretary of State: But Brawndo's got what plants crave. It's got electrolytes.
- Attorney General: "So wait a minute. What you're saying is that you want us to put water on the crops.
- Joe: Yes.
- Attorney General: Water. Like out the toilet?
- Joe: Well, I mean, it doesn't have to be out of the toilet, but, yeah, that's the idea.
- Secretary of State: But Brawndo's got what plants crave.
- Attorney General: It's got electrolytes.
- Joe: Okay, look. The plants aren't growing, so I'm pretty sure that the Brawndo's not working. Now, I'm no botanist, but I do know that if you put water on plants, they grow.
- Secretary of Energy: Well, I've never seen no plants grow out of no toilet.
- Secretary of State: Hey, that's good. You sure you ain't the smartest guy in the world?
- Joe: Okay, look. You wanna solve this problem. I wanna get my pardon. So why don't we just try it, okay, and not worry about what plants crave?
- Attorney General: Brawndo's got what plants crave.
- Secretary of Energy: Yeah, it's got electrolytes.
- Joe: What are electrolytes? Do you even know?
- Secretary of State: It's what they use to make Brawndo.
- Joe: Yeah, but why do they use them to make Brawndo?
- Secretary of Defense: 'Cause Brawndo's got electrolytes.
- [Frito is struggling to read an advertisement]
- Cameraman: Why you keep trying to read that word? You a fag?
- Frito: Fag your face!
- [Frito punches Cameraman in the face]
- Frito: It's you! Oh man, I really love your show.
- Ow! My Balls! Guy(Hormel Chavez): Thank you so much.
- [Frito kicks the man in the crotch]
- Luke Wilson — Private Joe Bauers
- Maya Rudolph — Rita
- Dax Shepard — Frito Pendejo
- Terry Crews — President Camacho
- Brendan Hill — Secretary of Energy
- David Herman — Secretary of State
- Sara Rue — Attorney General
- Stephen Root — Judge Hank "The Hangman" BMW
- Michael McCafferty - Officer Collins
- Thomas Haden Church — Brawndo CEO
- Justin Long — Dr. Lexus
- Andrew Wilson — Beef Supreme
- Jennifer Vasquez — Camacho's Groupie (uncredited)
- Scarface — Upgrayedd