It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

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It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (2005–Present) is an FX sitcom created by Rob McElhenney about four friends (played by McElhenney, Charlie Day, Glenn Howerton and Kaitlin Olson) who run an Irish bar, "Paddy's Pub", in Philadelphia.

Contents

[edit] Season 1

[edit] The Gang Gets Racist [1.1]

Dennis: I hate listening to people's dreams. It is like flipping through a stack of photographs. If I'm not in any of them and nobody is having sex, I just don't care?
Mac: [to Sweet Dee and Charlie] Are you two seeing this?
[all look over at Dennis]
Dennis: [gayly] ...boys are out tonight, huh?
Mac: This is unbelievable. What the hell is going on here? You got black women crawling all over you, and this Mary over here is the belle of the ball. Why do these people like you guys so much?
Charlie: Well dude, it's not that they like us, it's that they don't like you. You know why? Uhh... because you're an asshole!

[edit] Charlie Wants an Abortion [1.2]

Mac: [on abortion] It's nobody's choice! It should be left up to God!
Dee: Is he jo..? Is that..? Are you.. joking?
Mac: No, it's not a joke! You remember Genesis? Book two, verse three: And he breatheth into the nostrils of Adam on the first day and it was good.
Dee: Right in his nostrils, huh? Sounds really uncomfortable.
Dennis: [to Mac] You're making an asshole out of yourself.
Dennis: [at an abortion rally] I think all these chicks are gay.
Dee: Yeah, I don't know that they're gay, I think they can just smell how disgusting you are.
Dennis: Pff...sucks for me.
Dee: Are you actually gonn throw away all you convictions for a chance to get laid?
Dennis: I don't really have any convictions.

[edit] Underage Drinking: A National Concern [1.3]

Dennis: We could get into a lot of trouble for this.
Dee: And we also have a social responsibility to keep teenagers from drinking.
Charlie: I guess.
Mac: Well, I don’t know about that, though. Hold on, I mean, wait a second, hear me out, hear me out: it wasn’t that long ago that we were in the same position as these youngsters, right? I mean, we’d get kicked out of some bar and what did we do, Den? We would get a bunch of forties from a homeless guy and we would go sit in some park.
Charlie: That is true.
Mac: That is absolutely true. And what would happen? We would almost get raped and/or murdered and/or stabbed by the crackheads in Fairmount Park.
Dee: Hello, Stephen.
Charlie: You want to know what else what would happen? We drove Nicky Potnick’s car into a tree on Kelly Drive.
Dennis: With Sweet Dee in the back seat, puking all over the headrest because some guy talked to her that she liked, remember that? Every time some guy talks to you that you like, you get so nervous that you drink yourself into oblivion.
Dee: No, no, I had bad potato salad.
Mac: You abused alcohol, and that’s OK, that’s OK, but it’s very dangerous, right? Right? Well, maybe we should look at this whole thing from a different angle. Maybe we have a social responsibility to provide a safe haven for these kids to be kids. You know, experiment!
Dee: No, I don’t like where this is headed.
Dee: I never statutory raped anyone before.
Trey: Oh...okay, I'll tell you what: let's just take it slow.
Dee: You are so sweet...where were you when I was in high school?
Trey: I was eight.
Dee: Right...Yeah...
Charlie: That's Tammy, Trey's ex girlfriend. This is classic Tammy. Trey broke up with Tammy because Marine Cannalan said that she saw Tammy flirting with Walt Timmy at a party, but she was only doing it to make Trey jealous because she thought Trey secretly liked Erin Hennebrary. But Trey didn't like Erin Hennebrary, it was all a bunch of bull.

[edit] Charlie Has Cancer [1.4]

Dennis: I don't get it, Dee: There are tons of women in this city; where do they go?
Dee: They're at velvet-rope clubs on Delaware Avenue.
Dennis: Why?
Dee: Dennis, our bar is in south Philly in a scary alley...might as well call it "Rape Bar."
Charlie: Look, the girl, she wears a Lance Armstrong bracelet, OK? So I tell you I have cancer, right? Then you're gonna tell her, she's going to feel sorry for me, we're going to start dating, and that's the way the lie works!
Dennis: That's a horrible thing to do!
Charlie: Well, I'm a bad guy then!
Dennis: You are a bad guy! You lied to us!
Charlie: All right look at this, sometimes you've got to crack a few eggs to make an omelet.
Dennis: You've got to crack a couple eggs to make an omelet?
Charlie: Yeah, you gotta crack an egg.
Dennis: So you're throwing down life lessons now?
Charlie: I'm throwing down eggs!
Dennis: Class is in session, the teacher's teaching class now!
Charlie: I'm cracking eggs of wisdom!

[edit] Gun Fever [1.5]

Dee: We talked about it, and we decided that we need to get rid of that gun.
Dennis: Oh, oh, the gun...yeah, we're getting rid of the gun.
Mac: You could have been killed. Dennis could have killed you.
Charlie: Okay, good, yes, I think that would be for the best... ah...mm...Dee, could you get me a nurse?
Dee: Yeah, sure. [exits]
Charlie: Tell me we're not getting rid of that gun.
Mac: No way!
Dennis:[pulls gun out of his pants] Never.

[edit] The Gang Finds a Dead Guy [1.6]

Dee: Oh, you are being ridiculous. He's a professional football player.
Mac: No, look, I'm not talking about killing the guy. I'm just talking about going up there with a group of dudes and intimidate him, maybe break his arm.
Dee: You can't break Tom Brady's arm.
Mac: Oh yes, I can! No more Super Bowls for that pretty boy.
Dee: I have a little bit of a problem with old people...I find them kinda creepy...and scary. And gross, kinda gross. It's their hands really, you can see right through 'em and all their inside business.

[edit] Charlie Got Molested [1.7]

Charlie: OK, OK. First of all, there are people out there who actually have been molested and you guys are going to exploit that for your own personal gain? You assholes are securing your places in hell.
Ryan: We've thought about it. We're willing to roll the dice.
Dennis: So, you're not going to get in any trouble at all?
Charlie: Uh, no, no, not really. And since the McPoyles are going to plead guilty I'm sort of off the hook completely.
Dennis: That's great!
Dee: Oh, I'm sorry, was he saying that the intervention worked?
Dennis: No, I don't think that's what he's saying.
Dee: What are you talking about? It was the final push Charlie needed. Turns out: Three-quarters of a major, not so bad after all.
Charlie: Oh, and the best part of it actually for me now is the fact that everybody thinks that I've been molested. So in a way, my life is ruined. Uh, in the meantime, I'm gonna go in the back office and cry, and cry, and cry, and drink for a while.
Dennis: Emotional release, another giant step forward.
Dee: God, we're good. Doctor.
Dennis: Doctor.

[edit] Season 2

[edit] Charlie Gets Crippled [2.1]

Dennis: Dee, you scared the shit out of me. What are you doing?
Sweet Dee: Same thing you're doing. I'm not letting dad give all this shit to poor people.
Dennis: Alright, hey I got here first though. I'm taking the plasma TV and I'm taking the fish tank.
Sweet Dee: How come you get to pick and choose?
Dennis: It's not that I get to pick and choose, it's that I'm a man and I'm strong. I can carry heavy things. You're a woman, you're weak and... you can't.
Sweet Dee: You're a woman and you're weak.
Dennis: That doesn't make any sense.
Sweet Dee: You don't make any sense.
Charlie: [in a wheelchair and army vet attire] This costume, the chicks is gonna go crazy all over it.
Frank: Maybe you should let me do all the talking.
Charlie: No, it's like shooting fish in a barrel. So watch and learn.
Stripper: Awww, look at you sweetie, what happened?
Charlie: [shouting] Viet-goddamn-nam, that's what happened! Go get me a beer, bitch!

[edit] The Gang Goes Jihad [2.2]

Ari Frankel: Your wife says she's afraid of you. I'm here for the dog.
Frank: Oh. That woman is amazing! She is amazing! You just met her; she's already got you running errands for her. She's good. She is good!
Ari Frankel: Just go get the dog.
Frank: I don't have the dog.
Ari Frankel: So you've been in here tearing apart pillows and... pooping... on the floor?
Frank: [long pause] Yes.
Barbara: While you were out making money, who do you think was at home, cooking and cleaning and raising your children?
Frank: A series of Mexican women.
Charlie: "A series..." Unbelievable, dude! [They high-five] You're on fire.
Charlie: [under breath] Oooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh shiiit.

[edit] Dennis and Dee Go On Welfare [2.3]

Frank: Charlie, you've got a lot of balls, stealing my money. This shows leadership, I am promoting you to management.
Charlie: That's why I did it.
Mac: That's why I did it too, Frank! I stole lots of your money, what do I get?
Frank: You get dick, because you are a follower and a thief.
Sweet Dee: How come Charlie...? It's not fair...
Dennis: Why would you do this to us, dad?
Frank: Because you're crackheads, children.
Dennis: Hi. I'm a recovering crack head. This is my retarded sister that I take care of. I'd like some welfare, please.

[edit] Mac Bangs Dennis' Mom [2.4]

Mac: Dennis' mom tried to have sex with me!
Charlie: Interesting...
Mac: Yeah man, she got naked... she came on to me. I mean, that woman is straight crazy, but I think I wanna bang her, man. I know I shouldn't do it...
Charlie: I think you should do it!
Mac: What?
Charlie: Look, an opportunity like this only comes around once in a lifetime right?
Mac: Right!
Charlie: And so you'd be a fool to let it slip through your fingers.
Mac: Yeah! That's what I'm thinking! But... it's Dennis' and Dee's Mom...
Charlie: Well that means that no one ever ever is going to find out.
Mac: That doesn't make any sense...
Charlie: It doesn't have to make sense!
Mac: You're right! I'm gonna do it!
Dennis: [after witnessing Mac kiss his Mom at her front door] Oh my God! Ohhh...
Charlie: Yeah... that's a terrible thing... a terrible thing for you to see that.
Dennis: I'm gonna kill him. I'm gonna kill him!
Charlie: Wait wait wait! What are you gonna do? Punch him in the face? Throw him? Maybe work the body a little?
Dennis: I was gonna...
Charlie: No no no, that's not gonna help. That's not gonna help and I'll tell you why: It doesn't unbang your Mom.

[edit] Hundred Dollar Baby [2.5]

Brianna: You look like a Holocaust victim in pageant makeup.
Sweet Dee: I will eat your babies, bitch!
Frank: Nobody's eating anybody's babies.
Sweet Dee: Come on, let me eat her babies
Sweet Dee: What did you just say you little bitch!
Frank: You're not ready for this fight, you're not...
Dee: Oh, I have an idea, dad! Why don't you shut your fat little monkey face, and hold the bag?!

[edit] The Gang Gives Back [2.6]

Frank: Hey gang, what's the action?
Dennis: What's going on here?
Frank: Asians love gambling!
Sweet Dee: You know these guys?
Frank: Yeah, from Nam.
Mac: You were in Vietnam?
Dennis: Don't get excited Mac, he was in Vietnam ten years ago on a business trip.
Dennis: [to his basketball team] Now as long as you hurt the other kid as bad or worse than he hurts you, you will have done your job. And I'll be proud of you.

[edit] The Gang Exploits a Miracle [2.7]

Charlie: Here's a confession: I'm in love with a man. What? I'm in love with a man... a man named God. Does that make me gay? Am I gay for God? You betcha.
Charlie: [to Mac] You know what dude, hear me out for a second okay. Now technically, that stain did appear to me. Also I am familiar with carpentry and I don't know who my father is. So, am I the messiah? I don't know, I could be, I'm not ruling it out.

[edit] The Gang Runs for Office [2.8]

Frank: There is nothing more threatening to a man than a woman who is smart and attractive. We have to pretend you're both!
Dee: Wow, you're a horrible father.
Lady: Are you going to take care of the crime problem here?
Dennis: Absolutely, I say we put them on buses and ship them over to Iraq.. make them fight the terrorists.
Lady: You're very handsome.
Dennis: Thank you ha ha.
Charlie: This is going very, very well man.
Dennis: I know people are really responding to me.
Charlie: They love the bone structure.
Mac: [walking up to them] I've been looking for you guys everywhere...Look. I've been thinkin'...and I feel like I could be a real asset to you guys. I wanna help.
Charlie: What? Wait, wait, so first you wash your hands in politics and now you want back in? That's called flip-flopping, Mac! That's what Democrats do.
Dennis: Hang on a second Charlie, let's give the guy a chance to prove himself.
Mac: Yeah, yeah. Give me a chance...what should I do?
Charlie: "What should I do"? Strike one, buddy.
Dennis: You gotta bring something to the table, Mac.
Mac: All right...ah...check this out. [Goes up to woman pushing her baby in a stroller] Excuse me, hi. I couldn't help but notice your adorable baby.
Woman: Oh, thank you.
Mac: Yeah, I was wondering, [stopping the stroller from moving] if you wouldn't mind if that handsome young gentleman over there kissed it.
Woman: Excuse me?
Mac: Yeah...oh. I'm sorry. He's running for District 37 Comptroller, so it's cool.
Woman: You know, I'd rather not.
Mac: [stopping the stroller again] Yeah, well you know...it's...good for him and it's good for you, so I think you should maybe just give me the baby.
Woman: You know what? Please leave me alone.
Mac: OK, lady. Just give me the baby and I could get it over with as quickly as possible.
Woman: I said no!
Mac: Goddammit, just give me the baby! [tries to unbuckle the baby out of the stroller]
Woman: Somebody help me!
Charlie: This is campaign suicide, dude...
Dennis: Let's get out of here.

[edit] Charlie Goes America All Over Everybody's Ass [2.9]

Frank: Look, I didn't go to Vietnam just to have pansies like you take my freedom away from me.
Dee: You went to Vietnam in 1993 to open up a sweatshop!
Frank: ...and a lot of good men died in that sweatshop!
Dee: I am not a failure!
Mac: Dennis, what is it that you call it when somebody tries to do something but doesn't succeed?
Dennis: Uh, that would in fact be a failure.
Charlie: I'm gonna rise up, I'm gonna to kick a little ass, I'm gonna to kick some ass in the U.S.A., gonna climb a mountain, gonna sew a flag, gonna fly on an eagle. I'm gonna kick some butt, I'm gonna drive a big truck, I'm gonna rule this world, I'm gonna kick some ass, I'm gonna rise up, I'm gonna kick a little ass. ROCK, FLAG, and EAGLE!!

[edit] Dennis and Dee Get a New Dad [2.10]

Mac: Do you want to shove heroin into your ass?
Charlie: Dude, I don't want to shove anything in my ass!
Mac: All right! This is the perfect opportunity to prove how hard we are, and not have to shove anything up our asses!
Mac: Well, maybe it boils down to this, smart guy: Computers are for losers.
Dennis: You're drinking a beer at 8:00 in the morning!
Mac: Whatever, dude. Irrelevant.

[edit] Season 3

[edit] The Gang Finds a Dumpster Baby [3.1]

Charlie: Dude, it's amazing. Look at this. Bro, you could chop a camel right in the hump and drink all of its milk right off the tip of this thing.
Frank: After we made love, she did get pregnant. But she had an abortion.
Charlie: Really?
Frank: Yeah, yeah.
Charlie: Well, are you sure she went through with it, dude? 'Cause she probably didn't tell you.
Frank: She probably went right from the clinic and banged some guy and got knocked up, because your mother was a giant whore.
Tanning Employee: You want to put your baby into a tanning bed?
Mac: We just want to put him in there for a couple of minutes.
Dee: Just to get a base.
Mac: [exaggerated] Just to get a base.

[edit] The Gang Gets Invincible [3.2]

Frank: This is going to be exactly like Woodstock.
Dee: Oh, is it? Ooh, are you planning on getting yourself locked in the bathroom of your cousin's Winnebago for 3 days?
Frank: Shut up about that! I survived on hand soap and toilet water for three days. The memory haunts me.
Frank: I'm startin' to feel it.
Charlie: I bet you are, bud.
Frank: I'm feelin' weird.
Charlie: Yeah, you're probably feeling very weird.
Frank: The acid's makin' me feel like I gotta take a dump.
Charlie: That's what happens when you take a lot of acid, dude.
Frank: I gotta go.
Charlie: Then go.
Frank: The line's too long. Maybe I can hold it in.
Charlie: Then go in the McPoyles' camper, dude.
Frank: I don't know, that might bring back bad memories.
Charlie: Oh my God.
Frank: I think I wanna hold it. How you feelin'?
Charlie: Annoyed.
Frank: Nothin' kickin' in yet?
Charlie: What are you talking about, the beer?
Frank: No, the acid.
Charlie: I did not take any acid, remember?
Frank: [laughing] Oh yeah you did.
Charlie: What are you talking about?
Frank: I put a shitload of it in your beer.
Charlie: What!? Is that what all those little pieces of paper were floating in my be..?!
Frank: Yeah.
Charlie: I drank all that shit, dude!
Frank: That's OK.
Charlie: There was like a ton of acid in there!
Frank: Yeah!
Charlie: Why would you do that?!
Frank: I don't wanna be the only one trippin'.
Charlie: Oh my God, man! Oh my God! Oh my God!...
Frank: Charlie, I actually really need to go take a dump.
Charlie: Shut up! I don't care! Go! Go in the camper, dude! Get out of here!
Frank: [walks away]
Charlie: Oh, you sick son of a bitch, dude! Why would you d..!? Oh shit! Oh shit!

(Mac and Dennis find Frank standing in a trash can, in the parking lot with Artemis watching him)

Mac: Frank, What the hell are you doing?
Artemis: He's been trying to climb through that trash can for 20 minutes. I'm pretty sure he's on acid.
Frank: Thank God you guys are here! How did you get in here?
Dennis: What the hell are you talking about? (Mac looks around)
Frank: I've been stuck in this bathroom for 3 hours!
Artemis: I think he took a dump in there.
Mac: Can you give us a second, please?
Artemis: Whatever. I'm getting tired of watching him anyway.
Dennis: All right,Frank,listen. Did you bring your gun today?

(Frank whips his gun out)

Mac: Great. Walk me through the plan again.
Dennis: Awesome
Dennis: The plan is I get close to Dee. When she goes to punt the ball, I'll fire the gun. It'll startle her. She'll blow the kick.
Mac: That's a great plan.
Charlie(as green man): Wait a second! How long have I been standing right here?
Dennis: Like 2 seconds.
Charlie: Seriously?
Dennis: Frank,give me the gun?
Frank: Where is it?
Dennis: It's in your hand!
Charlie: WAIT! WAIT! WAIT! When the hell did I put green man on?
Dennis: I don't know!
Frank: That lizard talks!
Charlie: Where? Where? I don't like lizards!
Mac: We don't have time for this! Frank, just give us the gun!

(Frank cocks the gun and points it at Mac and Dennis)

Mac and Dennis: WHOA! WHOA! WHOA!
Frank: Lizard,am I standing in poop?

[edit] The Gang Gets Held Hostage [3.3]

Dennis: Margaret, you like sweat, don't you. Margaret--it is Margaret, isn't it? Of course it is. You know, your eyebrow drives me crazy. It's so thick, i'ts so dark, so very...connected. You're a stone cold fox, Margaret. You're a stone cold fox, and I want you. I gotta have you--I need you. I want you inside me. But you know that, don't you, Margaret?
Frank: When we get out of this, I'm gonna shove my fist right into your ass, hard and fast...Not in the sexual way! In the 'I am pissed off' sort of way.

[edit] Dennis and Dee's Mom is Dead [3.4]

Frank: I got good news! Your mother is dead--ha!
Dennis: Yeah, right. Nice try. Very funny, Frank.
Frank: I'm serious this time. She had a botched neck lift! She's as dead as disco--hehehe! Who wants champagne?! [Frank pops the cork on a bottle of champagne]
Lawyer: I am so sorry. My apologies, we're so busy today. It's good to see all of you.
Dennis: That's quite all right, sir. Don't worry about it. Listen, would now be a good time to say a few words about my wonderfully warm and caring mother?
Dee: No, just get to the reading part.
Frank: Get on with it, man. Let's go.
Lawyer: All right. Uh, which one of you, uh, is Frank Reynolds?
Frank: Yo!
Lawyer: OK, uh, Frank, I have something here I need to read to you from Barbara. [reading] "Frank, if your fat monkey heart is still beating, then congratulations. I want you to know that I hereby leave all of your money to Bruce Mathis, the real father of my children."
Dennis: What?!
Dee: What?!
Frank: Bruce Mathis?!
Lawyer: [reading] "A handsome man with a beautiful soul and a nicer penis."
Frank: You're giving all of my money to that jerk-off!?
Lawyer: You know, Mr. Reynolds, I'm reading what's on the document.
Dee: Why are you giving it to him?!
Lawyer: I'm not--
Dee: She barely even knew him!
Lawyer: Yeah, I'm not giving any money to anybody, you see. I'm just reading what's on a will.
Frank: Where is that rat bastard?!
Lawyer: Sir, I don't know!
Frank: 'Cuz I wanna smash his face, until he's dead--killed dead!
Dennis: Frank, would you forget about Bruce?! Mom just gave away all of our money!
Lawyer: You know what, we should just move forward, OK? [reading] "For my darling son, Dennis...presumably." [motioning to Dennis] "I give you my house."
Dennis: Yeah, OK... well yeah, now it's starting to make sense. Read on.
Lawyer: "...on the sole condition that Frank not be allowed in."
Dennis: I would never let him in.
Frank: What?!
Lawyer: Deandra?
Dee: Yes.
Lawyer: "You get nothing. You were a disappointment and a mistake."
Dee: A mistake? We're twins.
Lawyer: Yeah...
Dee: We were born at the same time. What are you talking about? You're not making any sense.
Frank: Tell that bitch it doesn't make sense!
Lawyer: Okay, I'm reading the words that someone else wrote, 'kay? I don't know your mom, never met your mom. In fact, I'm certainly not speaking to your mom now, because she's dead!
Dee: Yeah, we know she's dead. We're venting because we're frustrated.
Frank: You tell her, she's a goddamned whore--always been a whore!
Dee: Whoa whoa, what about jewelry? Does it say anything about jewelry?
Lawyer: It does say something about the jewelry in here, in that um, she wants to be buried in it.
Dee: Goddamnit... oh goddamnit!
Frank: Oh! Oh! She's taking it into the grave!
Dee: Tell you what, you son of a bitch, I'm very disappointed in you today--very upset with you! You tell her from me, that I will be in touch with her, somehow...
Frank: Yeah, tell her she's a bitch!
Lawyer: These are awkward situations, often, and I know it can be difficult...
Dennis: [whispering to the lawyer as Frank and Dee leave] Hey, thanks for the house, dude.
Lawyer: You know...[awkwardly "bumping fists" with Dennis] You know, I didn't give you the house...that's not how this whole situation works...
Dennis: [gleefully] Yes you did! [laughs]
Lawyer: Mmm-hmm, 'kay.
[Dennis leaves]
Lawyer: [to himself] Jesus Christ.

[edit] The Aluminum Monster vs. Fatty McGoo [3.5]

Dee: What is this thing?
Charlie: That's Dennis' prototype. Be careful with that.
Dee: No, I know it's the prototype but I don't get how it works.
Charlie: Dee, you're asking a million questions. All right, look, I'm just going to walk you through it, so pay attention. OK, look, the pretty lady gets naked, of course, and I help her into the prototype, yes? My hands sort of guiding along her body making sure that it fits properly. Now the dress is starting to look fantastic, you know? And she feels very excited, she feels very sensual and I feel very sensual about her because she looks so good. And then, you know, we chit-chat a little bit, no big deal but she asks me back to her place. Where did that come from? I accept, you know? And then we chit-chat at her place, it's no big deal, but eventually she says, "Do you want to make love, Charlie?"
Dee: Oh God.
Charlie: And I say, "Are you serious? Because yes, I do." And then just boom, we're into it and it's hot and it's passionate.
Dee: Charlie...
Charlie: And then it's just you and me babe...
Dee: Oh my God.
Mac: Dee, can I talk to you for a second? Look, I know what you're trying to do. You wanna show this girl what's what. I get that. And I think if you just buckle down and join the team--
Dee: Mac, I'm gonna stop you right there. First of all, your breath smells like an old-lady fart passing through an onion. Secondly, I know you're trying to manipulate me. And it's not going to work. Get your hand off my shoulder because I've got a fatty to burn.

[edit] The Gang Solves the North Korea Situation [3.6]

Charlie: Ohhhhhhhh shit! Look at that door, dude. See that door there? The one marked "Pirate"? You think a pirate lives in there?
Dennis: I see a door marked "Private." Is that the door you're talking about?
Charlie: Nah, I was talking abou...I didn't say...did you...what did you hear?
Dennis: I heard you say "There was a door marked pirate living in there."
Charlie: Well are we gonna talk about pirates all day or are we gonna see what's living in there?
Dennis: You're the one that....Jesus Christ man, shit.
Charlie: It's locked! All right, let me try this out.
Dennis: What is that, your apartment key? That's not gonna work!
Charlie: Why not?
Dennis: We're not at your apartment, shithead!
Charlie: Well how many possible lock combinations can there be?
Dennis: Oh, so many, dude, like hundreds of millions.
Charlie: Well eventually they're gonna overlap--
Dennis: They're not ever gonna--
Charlie: You know what, you're right, it's not working.
Dennis: Oh, no shit.
Charlie: Well it was worth a try!
Dennis: It was not worth a try.

[edit] Frank Sets Sweet Dee on Fire [3.8]

Charlie: Remember when we made the news show for eighth grade for social studies, dude?
Mac: See, that was real news.
Charlie: Yeah, we didn't distort facts. We told it like it was, you know?
Mac: Yes.
Dennis: Yeah, I remember that video. You guys were burning G.I. Joes and throwing rocks at cats.
[In a retirement home]
Mac: These places are like prison...
Frank: Like people getting their ass raped?
Charlie: What? Oh my God, no one's getting ass raped, Frank! Come on, man!
Mac: No, it's just that people don't wanna be here, because they feel like...
Frank: Because they're getting their ass raped!

[edit] The Gang Sells Out [3.7]

Charlie:Why don’t I strap on my job helmet and squeeze down into a job cannon and fire off into Jobland where jobs grow on little jobbies.
Charlie: I see what you're saying. I could go for some wood.
Mac: Uh, no, we're saying 'wooed'.
Charlie: Yeah, cool. We'll get some wood, we'll build something cool, then we'll go get the money.
Dennis: That doesn't have anything to do with what we're talking about, Charlie. We're talking about being wooed by this corporate guy...
Charlie: How are you going to be wood?
Dennis: Some gay guys are twinks, and others are bears. This gay guy's a bear. By the way we're totally cool with that. To each his own.
Frank: Wait, I'm a little confused here. What's a twink?
Dennis: A twink is small and slender, like Mac.
Mac: Oh no, I'm too muscular, I would be a bear.
Dennis: Ohh don't think so bro. Not hairy enough.
Frank: Smooth. I would be a bear.
Dennis: No no, see I don't think you'd be a bear either. As a matter of fact I don't know what you would be because you're definitely not a twink.
Frank: I'd be a top, that's for sure.
Mac: Can a twink be a top, or is that reserved for bears?
Dennis: I'm sure there's a great deal of switching back and forth, but I think more often than not bears are tops, unless they happen to be power bottoms.
Frank: What's a power bottom?
Mac: A power bottom is a bottom that is capable of receiving an enormous amount of power.
Dennis: Actually Mac, you got it backwards. See a power bottom's actually generating all the power by doing most of the work.
Frank: Does the power have to do with the size or the strength of the bottom?
Mac: Now Dennis, I've heard that speed has something to do with it.
Dennis: Speed has everything to do with it. You see the speed of the bottom informs the top how much pressure he's supposed to apply. Speed's the name of the game. Right buddy?

[edit] Sweet Dee is Dating a Retarded Person [3.9]

Charlie: OK, all right, I'm ready to rock.
Mac: And who are you supposed to be?
Charlie: Bob Dylan, man. Check this out [hands Mac a crudely drawn picture]
Mac: Jesus, we're all over the place. [looks at picture] Is this a page from a coloring book?
Charlie: No, dude, that's 'Night Man', those are lyrics.
Mac : Whatever, let's just rock.
Frank: Okay, this is what I'm talking about.
Charlie: All right, where's my curtain?
Mac: Charlie, don't worry about the curtain, you're not gonna need it.
Charlie: I want a curtain blocking my face.
Mac: You don't need one.
Frank: [to an unkempt man working on wiring] Go on, go have a beer, Ernie.
Charlie: All right, ready.
Frank: 5, 6, 7, 8!
Charlie: [singing] Night Man, sneaky and mean. Spider inside my dreams, I think I love you. You make me want to cry, you make me want to die. I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, Night Man. Every night you come into my room and pin me down with your strong arms, And pin me down and I try to fight you, You come inside me and fill me up and I become the Night Man.
Mac: Whoa, whoa, whoa, Charlie. Hang on a second. I mean the first half of that song was kind of cool, but what's with the second half?
Charlie: It's about the Night Man, like, you know, like filling me up, and I become him, I become the spirit of the Night Man.
Mac: But it sounds like a song where a man breaks into your house and rapes you.
Charlie: What, dude? Where are you getting that from? Alright, [resumes singing] It's just two men sharing the night. It might seem wrong, but it's just right. It's just two men sharing each other. It's just two men like lovin' brothers. One on top, and one on bottom. One inside, and one is out. One is screaming he's so happy and the other's screaming a passionate shout. It's the Night Man. The feeling so wrong and right man, the feeling so wrong and right man. I can't fight you man when you come inside me and pin me down with your strong hands and I become the Night... the passionate, passionate Night Man.
Mac: We need a new front man...
Charlie: [singing] They took you, Night Man, and you don't belong to them. They left me in a world of darkness without your sexy hands, and I miss you, Night Man, so bad... [hits piano, starts mumbling] stupid! Can't write anything. [huffs spray paint]
Dennis: [Enters Charlie's apartment without knocking] Charlie, let's join forces.
Charlie: Hello, come right in!
Dennis: I will.
Charlie: What happened to your band?
Dennis: Kicked me out.
Charlie: [laughs] Well, it hurts, doesn't it?
Dennis: Hm. What's with the curtains?
Charlie: I'm living in a world of darkness.
Dennis: Right. Let's get some light in here. [pulls curtains off, filling room with light, notices Charlie's face] Whoa, what's with the spray paint, man?
Charlie: Uhh...what's with your outfit man? [Dennis is wearing spandex]
Dennis: Why don't we put the curtains back up...
Charlie: No, no...what is going on up here, man? [laughing]
Dennis: I never know, man.

[edit] Mac is a Serial Killer [3.10]

Frank: I'm going to go oil my chainsaw.
Dee: What?
Dennis: Frank, we don't need the chainsaw. Is that what's in that bag?
Frank: Oh, we do...because drawing a confession out of someone is like doing a beautiful dance...a beautiful dance with a chainsaw.
Dennis: He makes less and less sense as the days go by.
Sweet Dee: I don't get it...at all.
Charlie: Look, Mac, I'm tired and I want to go home, I just want to wash my hands of this whole stinkin' mess, so I'm gonna ask you just one time: did you, or did you not, snap into an alternate personality and go on a serial killing rampage?
Mac: What? No!
Charlie: Wha...yes you did. You're two people, right? Let's see the other one. Let him out.
Mac: Let who out?
Charlie: The serial killer! Let the serial killer out!
Mac: I'm not a serial killer!
Frank: Then why all the shady behavior?
Mac: I've been banging the tranny! I didn't want you guys to find out!
Charlie: No, you've been...what?!

[edit] Dennis Looks Like a Registered Sex Offender [3.11]

Frank: Charlie, I need a woman. I need a woman to...to cook for me, and clean up after me, and somebody that will do everything I say.
Charlie: Well, that's just a maid. You want a maid?
Frank: Yeah, that's right, a maid. A maid I can bang.
Dennis: Timmy, will you recite for our husky friend here the little courtroom speech we prepared?
Timmy: I have a friend, his name is Wendell. He showed me funny movies with furry naked people in them. He gives me juice boxes that make me sleepy.
Wendell: All right, I get it.
Timmy: He's silly. He's a tickle monster!
Wendell: Listen, kid, I said I get it, OK?
Timmy: He makes me taste things I don't want to. He puts things in my hiney.
Wendell: Goddammit, will you make the kid stop? Please, come on.
Dee: Yeah, I think that ought to do it.
Dennis: Yeah, that's good, Timmy. So you'll leave?
Wendell: Yeah. I'll leave. [winks at Timmy as he closes the door]

[edit] The Gang Gets Whacked, Part I [3.12]

Dee: What about you, Dennis?
Dennis: Well I...
Frank: Dennis is a prostitute now.
Mac: Good.
Dennis: No, I'm not a prostitute, OK?
Frank: Yes, he is.
Dennis: There is no banging old ladies or dudes, all right? I will be providing a very important service, however, as what I would like to be called: a handsome companion.
Mac: To dudes?
Charlie: To guys or...
Dennis: No, not to dudes. No, hang on. Hold on. Hang on. To old fancy rich ladies who want to do classy, exotic, fancy things with me.
Mac: Great, Dennis, you keep banging dudes.
Charlie: Oh, you know, I told you. I asked for more money.
Dee: What?!
Charlie: Yes, I did.
Dee': No, you didn't.
Charlie: I was using dead presidents as a cover. You didn't get that?
Dee: [to Dennis] He said to the man, he wanted many, many thousands of green people from history times.

[edit] The Gang Gets Whacked, Part II [3.13]

Dennis: You know what, I'm walking from this. [Frank slaps him] Ow. What the hell, dude?!
Frank: I'm knocking some sense into you, Dennis. This is all you got.
[He slaps Dennis again]
Dennis: Ah! Dude, why do you keep hitting me?
Frank: Don't talk back to me.
Dennis: OK, sorry.
Frank: Look, I'm going to get you out of this. It's you and me against the world. I'm not going to let anything bad happen to you.
Dennis: You promise?
Frank: I promise. And hey, I don't want to hit you, baby. So please don't make me, OK? You're my one and only. You've go to do right by me, OK?
Dennis: OK.
Dee: Oh, I'm sorry, I'm a lil preocupied with worrying about being killed by the mob because a homeless priest ran off with all of our drugs!

Rickety Cricket: Watch out for the crack heads. They WILL cut you.

Charlie: I love you Peter Nincompoop!

Rickety Cricket: You guys, you gotta make it sexy. Hips and nips! Otherwise I'm not eating.

[edit] Bums: Making a Mess All Over the City [3.14]

[After Dennis's cat emerges from an explosion unscathed]
Dennis: Goddamnit, Jack Bauer. You really are the man.
Mac: The police? The streets are flooded with the ejaculate of the homeless and you people are counting on the police?!

[edit] The Gang Dances Their Asses Off [3.15]

Mac: I do not even understand the smell coming from your body, dude.
Charlie: Oh my God, dude, relax. Dude, I forgot to put on deodorant, OK?
Mac: I have never once, never once seen you wear deodorant, Charlie, never once.
Charlie: Yeah well, you never seen me once wash my testicles either but that doesn't mean I don't do it every Friday.
Mac: What's up bitches?
Dennis: Whoa, why you dancing so strangely?
Mac: Cause of all my energy. I got tons of energy now because of this. [shows off Frank's brownie] Energy bar. Have some.
Dee: Looks like a shit ball.
Mac: No! It's an energy bar.
Dee: Why's it so heavy and big?
Mac: Because it's full of vitamins and shit.

[edit] Season 4

[edit] Mac & Dennis: Manhunters [4.1]

Charlie: Cannibalism? Racism? Dude that's not for us...those decisions are better left to the suits in Washington. We're just here to eat some dude!
Frank: Don't even joke about hunting no man.
Dennis: Who's joking? I'm not joking.
Frank: Oh yeah? Well, I was hunted once. I'd just came back from 'Nam. I was hitching through Oregon and some cop started harassing me. Next thing you know, I had a whole army of cops chasing me through the woods! I had to take 'em all out--it was a bloodbath!
[everyone pauses awkwardly]
Charlie: That's 'Rambo', dude.
Frank: What?
Charlie: You just described the plot of 'Rambo'.
[Mac, Dennis, and Charlie all agree at once]
Dennis: Yeah, and come to think of it, that's not the first time you've described your life in the way of John Rambo's life.

[edit] The Gang Solves the Gas Crisis [4.2]

Mac: How are we suppose to scale back our energy costs when you are filling this generator with gasoline?
Dennis: Yeah bro, since when did you start running the bar on a gas generator?
Charlie: About a week ago. I've been doing it for about a week.
Dennis: Why would you do that?!
Charlie: Well because you know electricity is so expensive man. So I figured let's get a generator and you know run the bar on it.
Dennis: Are you kidding me?! Gasoline is like a thousand times more expensive than electricity!
Mac: You know what Charlie, you shouldn't be making these decisions anyway, okay? You're not the decision making type. As the brains of this organization, I should have made this decision.
Dennis: Hey, whoa, whoa, I'm sorry. Since when did you become the brains?
Mac: Uhh...I'm sorry. I've always been the brains.
Dennis: What?! What are you talking about? I thought I was the brains. What the hell am I?
Mac: You're the looks.
Dennis: Well, yeah, of course I'm the looks, but I always thought of myself as the brains and the looks.
Mac: No, you're the looks, I'm the brains, and Charlie is the wildcard. That's...
Charlie: Whoa! That's awesome.
Mac: Yeah! Yeah, that's the classic setup. You know this, no? Look, every great crew in history has followed that basic dynamic, right? Looks, brains, wildcard. Think about it! The A-team did it. Scooby Doo did it. The Ghostbusters did it!
Charlie: Oh shit!
Mac: Yes! Right? Our problem is that we don't stick to that basic format and it gets us in trouble.
Dennis: So what you're saying is that by breaking from that format, we're actually limiting our ability to be as successful as those organizations.
Charlie: You're totally right, dude.
Mac: Great, onto the matter at hand. We're getting plowed in the ass by the oil companies and the gas companies with their ten gallon hats and their rotten ass-plowing hearts. So, as the brains of this organization, I came up with a plan.
Dennis: Lay it on us, bud.
Mac: It involves us pulling up our bootstraps, oiling up a couple of asses, and doing a little plowing of our own. [long pause] Not gay sex.
Charlie: Ah...okay, 'cause that's what it sounded like. What did you mean...
Mac: We're gonna solve the gas crisis!
Charlie: Oh, good!
Dennis: Alright, well just let me do the talking.
Charlie: Well, I feel like you got to at least talk with a southern accent, man. [rings doorbell]
Dennis: No, I'm not going to talk in a southern accent. It's bad enough that you wore this stupid "disguise."
Charlie: But we're oil men! We would have southern accents.
Dennis: Yeah, but we don't need bolo ties and stupid hats...
Charlie: Yes, we do! She's gonna...

[front door answered]

Dennis: Hello ma'am. Well, uh, what a lovely house dress.
Charlie: Yeah, well you're lookin' all sorts o' good!
Dennis: Now, you seem like a sweet, sophisticated, nice, busy young lady so we're not going to waste your time today.
Charlie: Nah, we're just a couple oil men in from Dallas and well, heh, we're itching like a hound to give you ah somethin' you want.
Dennis: Heh, what my associate is trying to say is that we're here to offer your community a much needed service...
Charlie: Hells yeah! We want to fill you up if you so inclined to let us.
Dennis: Please let me do the talking. Please.
Charlie: Now, we ain't gonna take no for an answer now you here, heh. Okay? So don't be making me sick my associate on your here, alright? He don't take kindly to no. So, can I fill you up or what?

[rushing into the van]

Charlie: Ya, best get to steppin' cause Johnny Law's a-comin'!
Dennis: Yeah, you might want to start driving because she called the cops on us.
Mac: Why's he talking like that?
Dennis: Well wildcard over here decided to lose his mind.
Charlie: Now I say, I say that's just damn preposterous, boy!
Dennis: Now you're just talking like Foghorn Leghorn!
Mac: Alrigh guys, I think it's time we just cut our losses and go back to the original plan.
Charlie: Ah, the generator!
Mac: No, not the generator! Storing the gas at Paddy's.
Charlie: Alright.
Mac: It's too soon to sell this gas anyway. Just shut the door.
Dennnis: Go go go...
Charlie: Okay okay...
Frank: You're not calling the cops! They'll find the bug I'm gonna plant!
Dee: That's a baby monitor, Frank. You're planting a baby monitor?
Frank: Yeah, a lot of people are bugging their babies these days... I guess babies can't be trusted...
Dee: What are you expecting to find?
Frank: Lot of shady shit.
Dee: Like what?
Frank: Like maybe Bruce is banging dudes!
Dee: Why would that be shady?
Frank: Maybe the dudes are babies!
Dee: What?! Bruce is not banging any baby dudes!!

[The gang driving in the rape van]

Mac: Wait...the brakes...the brakes aren't working.
Frank: The gas pedal...
Mac: Brakes aren't working. No, I'm saying...no, the brakes.
Frank: Wiggle it, it gets better...
Mac: Guys, why aren't the brakes working!
Charlie: Because I cut the brakes! Wildcard, bitches! Yeeeeehaaaaw!!! [jumps out of the back of the van]

[edit] America's Next Top Paddy's Billboard Model Contest [4.3]

Charlie: Later dudes. S you in your As, don't wear a C, and J all over your Bs.
Mac: Why would he not wear a C?
Dennis: I don't even know what he's talking about half the time, bro.
Dennis: My nose was chiseled by the gods themselves, Frank. My body was sculpted to the proportions of Michelangelo's David. You, on the other hand, well, you're a pit of despair. Frank, you disgust me. You disgust everyone, and you will never EVER be on that billboard.
Mac: Your body quit, your bird quit, and unfortunately it's no longer legit.

[edit] Mac's Banging the Waitress [4.4]

Charlie: [in Dennis' bed] Am I peeing?...Wake me up if I'm peeing.
Charlie: [Drunk and slurring] Ohhh, that's right! I ate all the pizza, and I drank all the beer.

[edit] Mac & Charlie Die (Part 1) [4.5]

Frank: This slot defeats the purpose. I can see your eyes! We might as well get married.
Dennis: It's the safest way, Frank.
Frank: Dennis, if I was looking for safe I wouldn't be sticking my dick through a wall.
Charlie: Dude...[reaches in mouth]
Mac: No...stop! Don't do it. Oh my God.
[Charlie pulls out tooth]
Mac: How? How is that possible?!?
Charlie: I don't know.
Mac: Just put it down.
Charlie: Do you think they're my baby teeth?
Mac: Put it with the other ones.
Mac: You're not going to be able to eat this hot dog.
Charlie: I'll suck it down.

[edit] Mac & Charlie Die (Part 2) [4.6]

Dennis: Um, okay well, I guess this is probably...is probably gonna be it so we should get started. Um, what to say about Mac. Umm...he certainly was...angry.
Frank: Burn the duster!
Dennis: Hey, I'm not burning the duster! Okay, I'm not burning the duster. Alright. That's crazy. That's like...that's insane. Why would I ever burn...heh...I mean c'mon...I will continue to wear it in his honor and I will burn some other things. You know, maybe like these stupid god damn sleeveless t-shirts that he wants "retired" and hung up in the bar. I'll burn these, but I am not burning the duster. Okay? So forget it. It probably won't even burn anyway. It's not supposed to, it's flame retardant. That's like the whole point. It's like a shield of armor. So stop asking me to burn the duster! I'm not going to burn it! So...end of story, you know? Let's just move on. Okay? So...yeah, alright, well uh thank you.
Mac: Kaboom!
Dee: Surprise, bitches! We're alive and it's blowing your minds right now!
Charlie: Hahahahahaha!
Dennis: No, it is not blowing our minds at all. I knew you guys were alive.
Charlie: Huh?
Dennis: Yeah, I knew you guys were alive, okay? I figured it out right before the funeral.
Mac: Wow.
Dennis: 'Cause I could hear you guys rustling around in the vents. You were speaking at full volume. Okay? Did you think you were being like crafty? And I could see you staring at me through the window. You know I can see through my windows, right? I wanted to piss you off.
Dee: Well what about me? Did you want to piss me off?
Dennis: Uhh...you I thought might have actually been murdered.
Dee: That's what I thought.
Charlie: So hold on a second. So, Frank, you knew too?
Frank: Yeah...[meekly nodding] I knew.
Charlie: And some of this stuff you've been doing with this mannequin here, that's like uh...to teach me a lesson or...?
Frank: [Long pause] Yeah.
Charlie: Did I see you bang that thing?

[edit] Who Pooped the Bed? [4.7]

[In a club]
Artemis: [smiling at guys she just met] Hi! Name's Artemis... I have a bleached asshole...
[Artemis accusing Dee of being behind the last poop]
Artemis: Deandra, you wanted in on this poop war from the start!
Dee: No, I didn't.
Artemis: ...The outcast. The slut. The bitch. The whore. The lonely, sad, slutty, bitchy whore. You sat on the sideline while these four titans battled it out. You were jealous that a few pieces of poop got more attention than you. That's why when the lights went out you unleashed some thunder of your own. Thunder of the...chocolate variety!

[edit] Paddy's Pub: The Worst Bar in Philadelphia [4.8]

Dennis: All right, just sign this paper saying that we didn't kidnap you at all, and you can be on your way with all of our stuff.
[Charlie hits him over the head with a beer bottle]
Mac: DUDE! Why did you do that?
Charlie: I really don't like this guy!
Dee: If I had to write an article about you, it would say that you're very negative. The headline might be "Most Negative Man in the World Calls Other People White Trash to Make Himself Not Feel So Faggy."

[edit] Dennis Reynolds: An Erotic Life [4.9]

Sinbad: Yo, punk, wake up!
Dennis: What the hell?!
Sinbad: Yeah, you in hell all right! You know what? My name is Sinbad. This is Sinbad's house, and when you in Sinbad's house, you my bitch! Yeah, you know who that is? That's Rob Thomas - Matchbox Twenty. [to Rob] Sing a song.
Rob: [Inhales]
Sinbad: Shut up!
Dennis: Matchbox Twenty? Ooh.
Sinbad: Oh, you the man, huh? You gonna punk him like that?
Dennis: No, no, no.
Sinbad: Stay back ,man, no, matter of fact unleash the fury. Get his shoe! Beat his testicles!
Dennis: No, no, no! Don't beat my test...come on. Rob Thomas and Sinbad, uh. Look man, I'm pretty confused about what I'm seeing here and I'm in a lot of pain. I just don't know whats going on.
Sinbad: Oh it's the pain, huh? My bad, you know I ain't know you was hurting like that. My bad cause I've hurt before, you've hurt before, we all hurt. So I'm-a just break it down now, introduce myself right, that's wrong. I'm Sinbad, that's my headshot. I'll autograph that for you a little later on. And this is Sinbad's house, and you my bitch!
Charlie: [referring to Sinbad] I hope he's wearing something made out of windbreaker.

[edit] Sweet Dee Has a Heart Attack [4.10]

Mac: This is the perfect opportunity! I'm gonna hang out in his office and pretend I'm the new guy.
Charlie: Uh, I don't think that's gonna work, dude.
Mac: Uh, have you seen The Secret of My Succe$s?
Charlie: Uhhh, they're gonna catch on to you.
Mac: Uhhh, yeah, but before they do, I will come up with an idea that'll save the company millions and they'll be forced to promote me!
Charlie: Uhhhhhhhh, are you sure? How's that movie end, dude?
Mac: Uhhhh...I can't remember it. Oh, Yeah! He bangs that old lady, and then they play that song from the 80's. "Day Bow Bow".
Charlie: What the hell's "Day Bow Bow"?
Mac: [singing Yello's "Oh Yeah"] Day Bow Bow. Chik. Chik-chika!
Charlie: You wanna talk about stress? You wanna talk about stress?! OK! I've stumbled onto a major company conspiracy, Mac--how 'bout that for stress?
Mac: What the hell are you talking about?
Charlie: This company is being bled like a stuck pig, Mac, and I've got a paper trail to prove it. Check this out. [Goes to a wall covered in paper and string] Take a look at this.
Mac: Jesus Christ, Charlie!
Charlie: That right there is the mail. Now let's talk about the mail. Can we talk about the mail, please, Mac? I've been dying to talk about the mail with you all day, OK? "Pepe Silvia," this name keeps coming up over and over again. Every day Pepe's mail is getting sent back to me. Pepe Silvia! Pepe Silvia! I look in the mail, and this whole box is Pepe Silvia! So I say to myself, "I gotta find this guy! I gotta go up to his office and put his mail in the guy's goddamn hands! Otherwise, he's never going to get it and he's going to keep coming back down here." So I go up to Pepe's office and what do I find out, Mac? What do I find out?! There is no Pepe Silvia. The man does not exist, okay? So I decide, "Oh shit, buddy, I gotta dig a little deeper." There's no Pepe Silvia? You gotta be kidding me! I got boxes full of Pepe! All right. So I start marchin' my way down to Carol in HR and I knock on her door and I say, "Carol! Carol! I gotta talk to you about Pepe." And when I open the door what do I find? There's not a single goddamn desk in that office! There...is...no...Carol in HR. Mac, half the employees in this building have been made up. This office is a goddamn ghost town.
Mac: OK, Charlie I'm going to have to stop you right there. Not only do all of these people exist, but they've been asking for their mail on a daily basis. It's all they're talking about up there. Jesus Christ, dude, we are going to lose our jobs.
Charlie: Well, calm down because here's one thing that's not going to happen.
Mac: What?
Charlie: We're not gonna get fired.
Mac: We're not?
Charlie: Because we've already been fired.
Mac: We've lost our jobs!
Charlie: Yeah. About 3 days ago a couple pink slips came in the mail. One for you and one for me. So what did I do? I mailed them halfway to Siberia.
Mac: If we've lost our jobs, then that means we've lost our health insurance. That means all of this was for nothing! Goddammit, dude, I am having a panic attack. I am actually having a panic attack.
Charlie: Well, will you settle down and have a another cup of coffee?
Mac: I am, bro.
Charlie: All right, well, fine. You know what, Barney? Give this guy a cigarette, he's freakin' out. [turns to a man in black trench coat and hat standing next to him]
Mac: Huh? Who?
Charlie: Barney. He's the one who tipped me off to Pepe Silvia.
Mac: Barney? Who the hell is Barney?
Charlie: You don't see the...[Looks around and Barney's disappeared] Holy shit! Where the hell did he go? [Yello's "Oh Yeah" comes on in the background] Day Bow Bow.
Mac: You've lost your mind! You've lost your goddamned mind, Charlie. [Cha. Chika-chika!]

[edit] The Gang Cracks The Liberty Bell [4.11]

Charlie: Wait, wait, wait...Check his pulse.
Dee: He doesn't have a head, Charlie!
Dee: [aiming a gun at a pumpkin on Frank's head] Ready?
Frank: Yes.
Dee: All right.
Frank: Shoot!
Dee: One, two, three..
Charlie: [comes running in] Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Do not shoot that pumpkin! What are you doing!?
Frank: I stole a bunch of guns! I'm testing them out, Charles! This revolution is gonna make us a fortune!
Charlie: All right, well, leave the pumpkin out of it, the pumpkin's innocent.
Frank: Shoot the pumpkin.
Charlie: Do not shoot the pumpkin, please.
Dee: OK.
Charlie: Gimme the gun.
Dee: Fine.
Charlie: Why is the witch slave shooting at you, anyway?
Frank: Maybe she used her sorcery.
Dee: Sorcery?! Your dumb dick partner walked into the bar, said he stole a bunch of guns, and asked if I wanted to shoot a pumpkin off his head. Of course I did, so here we are.
Frank: Damn your necromancy, woman!
Dee: Oh my God!
Charlie: Maybe if we shoot you, you won't feel it anyway, witch.
Dee: You know what? OK, you guys. I tell you what, you win! I'm a witch, OK? I'm a witch and I curse both of you and all of your stupid guns!
Charlie: [points gun at Dee and pulls trigger but gun malfunctions]
Dee: Charlie! Goddammit! [storms off]
Frank: Gimme that gun!
Charlie: She cursed the gun!
Frank: [aims at the door Dee walked through and pulls trigger] She put a curse on the gun!
Charlie: [pulls out another gun] Let's try this one. [aims at Frank and pulls trigger]
Frank: Nothin'!
Charlie: Try me! [strikes a pose]
Frank: [pulls trigger but still nothing happens]

[edit] The Gang Gets Extreme: Home Makeover Edition [4.12]

Charlie: [about the TV show Extreme Makeover: Home Edition] That show is basically about how awesome Sears is!
Charlie: What does a little Mexican girl love more than anything else in the world?
Dennis: Hmmmmmmmmm...tacos.
Charlie: Tacos, buddy!

[edit] The Nightman Cometh [4.13]

Dee: Charlie, don't screw me like this, come on.
Charlie: Don't screw you? Oh, I'm sorry, Dee, let me try and remember something. Let's see, was it, did Dee write a musical and come to Charlie with it? No! Charlie wrote a musical and came to Dee with it, and the gang. And the gang likes to screw it up and make it about themselves, and take it away from Charlie, and ruin his hopes and dreams. So let me tell you something, Dee, let me break down a scenario for you. I could cut the song, OK, because I wrote it. I could have Artemis do the song, OK, because you did not write it. Or I could strap on a wig and I could do the song myself. So you tell me, Little Miss All That, what do you want to do? Song or no song?
Frank: You gotta pay the troll toll to get into this boy's hole. You gotta pay the troll toll to get in. You want this baby boy's hole, you gotta pay the troll toll.
Charlie: Stop, stop, stop. All right not bad, good rhythm, love the enthusiasm. I feel like you're saying "boy's hole", and it's clearly "soul". And I know, Artemis, you did write "soul", right?
Artemis: [writing on her script] I did write "soul". I definitely did.
'"Charlie"': (singing) I was that little boy, that little baby boy was me! I once was a boy, but now I'm a man! I fought the Nightman, lived as Dayman, now I'm here to ask for your hand, so if you are too merry m'am will you marry me? Will you come on stage and join me in this thing called matrimony? Please say yes and do not bone me, please just marry me!

[edit] Season 5

[edit] The Gang Exploits the Mortgage Crisis [5.01]

Dennis: No, no, of course we shouldn't bash these people up. Look, OK, absolutely, we could cave the husband's skull in here. Yes, we could take the wife down to the basement, have a frenzied free-for-all with her. We could tie the kids up in their little rooms upstairs, so they wouldn't hear anything.....
Mac: In that scenario you'd have to kill the kids because they would have seen our faces.
Dennis: Right; we could smear the walls with their blood, guys... There are any number of twisted scenarios that could play out here. But the easiest thing, really, is to just go get the deed.
Charlie: Right, why get weird?
Charlie: All right, you're getting hung up on "can't", and I'm not saying that you can't. I'm saying that it is illegal.
Dennis: No, but it's not illegal.
Charlie: Says the guy who knows nothing about the law!
Dennis: I can absolutely keep a hummingbird as a pet, bro. It's no different than having a parrot or a parakeet. It's a bird, bro.
Charlie: You really can't, and I'm not saying I agree with it. It's just that bird law in this country—it's not governed by reason.
Dennis: There's no such thing as "bird law".
Charlie: Yes, there is.
Dennis: You know what? I'm going to get a hummingbird and I'll show you.
Charlie: Hummingbirds...hummingbirds are illegal tender!
Dennis: I'm going to get one.
Charlie: You cannot.
Dennis: To spite you, I'm going to get one.
Mac: Where are we with gulls?
Charlie: You can keep a gull as a pet, but you don't want to live with a seabird, okay, 'cause the noise level alone on those things...have you ever heard a gull up close? It's going to blast your eardrums out, dude.
Lawyer: You know what? This family, behind me, has 90 days to vacate. Until then, you can't touch them.
Frank: That's bullbird man.
Charlie: Alright.
Frank: Whaddaya got there?
Charlie: Lemme handle this, Frank. It's not bullbird. He's making a few good points. Look buddy, I know a lot about the law and various other lawyerings, uh, I'm well educated, well versed. I know that situations like this, real-estate wise, are complex.
Lawyer: Actually, they're pretty simple. The forms are all standard boiler-plate.
Charlie: Okay. Well we're all hungry. We'll get to our hot-plates soon enough. Let's talk about the contract here.
Lawyer: I'm sorry, I forgot. Where did you go to law school again?
Charlie: Well I could ask you that very same question.
Lawyer: I went to Harvard.
Charlie: Ah, mhm.
Lawyer: How about you? Hm? Uh?
Charlie: I'm pleading the fifth, sir.
Lawyer: I'd advise that you do that.
Charlie: And I'll take that advice into cooperation, alright? Now what say you and I go toe-to-toe on bird-law and see how comes out the victor?
Lawyer: You know, I don't think I'm going to do anything close to that and I can see clearly you know nothing about the law. It seems like you have a tenuous grasp of the English language in general.
Charlie: (said as fly flies past his head) I, uh, well, filibuster!
Lawyer: Do you.. Do you know what that word means?
Charlie: Ah-yup!
Lawyer: Yeah, whats that mean?
Charlie: uhhhhhhh. AHHHHHHH!!!(proceeds to slam through the door)

[edit] The Gang Hits the Road [5.02]

Mac: I want my 35 cents back. Charlie, give him the pear.
Charlie: I can't, I just ate it.
Mac: The whole thing?
Charlie: Yeah, it was pretty gross.
Mac: The stem and then the, and the core?!
Charlie: You didn't tell me not to eat the stem dude!
Mac: Did you eat the stickers that are all over it?!
Charlie: Yeah, it was gross.
Mac: Of course it's gross, it's a sticker bro!
Charlie: I eat stickers all the time dude!
Mac: Oh my god, this whole thing is a disaster... I... I'm going back to the car...

[edit] The Great Recession [5.03]

Frank: All right, now, pretend that this shoe is an unboned chicken. And you're gonna cook it tonight, make a tasty dinner. It's gonna smell all through the house like cooked chicken.
Beth: Actually, I'm vegan.
Frank: Okay then pretend this shoe is whatever you people eat. Maybe it is a shoe.
Dee: Nice one.
Charlie: We're crab people now Dee.
Dee: Crab people, Charlie?

[edit] The Gang Gives Frank an Intervention [5.04]

Dennis: By the way you guys, can I just say as a side note, I am loving this can-wine thing, I think it's brilliant. I mean I'm active, I'm gesturing with my hands, and I don't feel restricted. If I was holding a wine glass right now I'd be spilling wine all over the god damn place.
Frank: I'm wearing clothes now bitch!
Mac: Does anybody else feel really uncomfortable?
Charlie: Yes, we're completely under-dressed. It's embarrassing.
Dennis: What are we doing here Frank? What's your angle?
Frank: I want to bang your Aunt Donna.
Dennis: Why would you want to bang our mom's sister at the funeral of her husband?
Frank: Well, I don't know how many years on this Earth I got left. I'm going to get really weird with it. Meanwhile, block the wind. I'm going to roast this bone.
Mac: Jesus Christ!
Mac: Okay, Frank, here's another idea..
Frank: Whoa! Whoa! Where'd you come from?
Mac: I've been walking next to you the entire time.
Frank: Sorry, I'm a little...I'm a little lit. I've been going over this thing, I'm trying to figure out how...
Mac: How to bang Donna. I know. You've been talking about it for the last 5 miles.

[edit] The Waitress is Getting Married [5.05]

Charlie: Do wasps make honey?
Dennis: No wasps do not make honey.
Charlie: Alright well I'm gonna check it out anyway, there could be something delicious in here that wasps do make and I want that.
Dennis: Hey yo! Hey what's..what...what are you doing there buddy?
Charlie: Argh! I'm trying to smoke these hornets to death so I can get their honey, but they keep flying up the tube, stinging me on my face and I think I just swallowed one.
Dennis: As I tried to explain before, you can not get honey from a hornet's nest.
Charlie: I just don't think there's any science to support that, buddy.
Dennis: There is some very basic science out there supporting that.
Charlie: No, no.
Dennis: Trust me, pal. Okay, it's actually a fact. It's not even science.
Charlie: Tell you what, let me pop a quick H on this box this way we all know that it's filled with hornets.
Dennis: Lets talk about your likes and dislikes. Umm…how about your favorite food, what would that be?
Charlie: Oh, milk-steak.
Dennis and Mac: (simultaneously) Hmm?
Dennis: What?
Charlie: Milk-steak.
Dennis: I’m not putting milk-steak.
Mac: Just put regular steak and then-
Charlie: Don’t put regular steak, put milk-steak, she’ll know what it is.
Dennis: No she won’t know what it is! Nobody knows what that is. Okay, alright what’s your favorite hobby?
Charlie: Uhh…magnets.
Dennis: Wha-like making magnets, collecting magnets?
Mac: Playing with magnets?
Charlie: Just magnets.
Dennis: I’m just gonna put snowboarding. We’ll just put snowboarding.
Charlie: I don’t really snowboard.
Dennis: What are some of your likes?
Charlie: Uhh…ghouls
Mac: Son of a bitch. What are you talking about?
Charlie: Just funny little green ghouls.
Dennis: W-What like in movies, or in cartoons?
Charlie: Little green ghouls buddies!
Mac: Don’t write ghouls!
Dennis: I’m not! I’m putting travel! Jesus Christ, what are your dislikes?
Charlie: People's knees.
Dennis: Oh come on dude! Come on!
Mac: Bro, you gotta be kid-you know what we’ll just make it all up.
Dennis: We’ll make the whole thing up.
Mac: We’ll doctor the picture.
Dennis: We aren’t even going to use you for this.
Charlie: Cover your knees up if you're gonna be walking around everywhere.
Charlie: [trying to say that he is a philanthropist] I'm a full-on-rapist.
Charlie: Yes, my good man, I'll have the milk steak, boiled over hard, and your finest jelly beans...raw.
(After everything at the waitress's bachelorette party goes awful)"
Frank: This is depressing. (To Artemis) Want to go get sweaty in the bathroom?
Artemis: You know it.
Dee: (angrily) No! No one's getting sweaty in my bathroom! Just get out of here!
Frank: Alright fine! We'll go get sweaty in the Wendy's bathroom.
Dee: Great, go have sex at Wendy's! Wonderful! just get out of here!

[edit] The World Series Defense [5.06]

Dee: [reading a letter Mac wrote to baseball player Chase Utley] "Dear Chase, I feel like I can call you Chase because you and me are so much alike." Really? "I would love to meet you some day, it would be great to have a catch. I know I can't throw as fast as you but I think you would be impressed with my speed. I love your hair. You run fast. Did you have a good relationship with your father? Me neither. These are all things we can talk about and more. I know you have not been getting my letters because I know you would write back if you did, and I hope you write back this time and we get to be good friends. I am sure our relationship would be a real 'home run.'"
Dennis: I hate to tell you this bro, but you do not have the core strength to scale the facade of Citizens Bank, you just don't.
Mac: What?! I work out all the time!
Dennis: Yeah but you only work out your glamour muscles and you know it.
Mac: I work out my core.
Dennis: No you do not work out your core. You're totally arm heavy, you're all bi's and tri's and everything else is just fat and, and ribs.
Mac: Bro I can do way more push ups than you and that's like 16 different muscle groups I think.
Dennis: That is beyond retarded what you're saying right now. I can do way more push ups then you even though I was just hit by a car...
Mac: I do not appreciate being paraphrased. I choose my words very deliberately.

[edit] The Gang Wrestles for the Troops [5.07]

Dennis: Can I stop you guys for one second? What you just described, now that just sounds like we are singing about about the lifestyle of an eagle.
Charlie: Yeah.
Mac: Mm-hmm.
Dennis: Well I was under the impression we were presenting ourselves as bird-MEN which, to me, is infinitely cooler than just sort of... being a bird.
Charlie: Look at this dude. That's just a bucket of chestnuts.
Dennis: Who has...
Mac: What is he just foraging for his food?
Charlie: I don't know, why the hell would you have a bucket of chestnuts bro!
The Gang: [singing] Stomp! Clap! Stomp! Stomp! Clap! Stomp! Clap! Stomp! Stomp! Clap! The eagle's born out of thunder. He flies through the night. Don't you mess with his eggs now, or you'll see us fight! Yes we have feathers, but the muscles of men. 'Cuz we're birds of war now, but we're also men! Birds of war! Ah ah ah ah!!

[edit] Paddy's Pub: Home of the Original Kitten Mittens [5.08]

Dennis: You drew a man's buttocks on a towel!
Mac: Yeah. You get out of the shower in the college dorm, they got the butt, right, people are laughing --
Dennis: Oh, okay, yeah.
Mac: Your buddies are laughing. And then, and then you give 'em one of these. Boom.
Dennis: Oh, that is big.
Mac: That's a big monster dick.
Dennis: That's huge.
Mac: That's the biggest dick you ever seen.
Dennis: Yeah, that's really --
Mac: Right?
Dennis: That's not how you see yourself, though...
Mac: That's funny.
Dennis: That is funny.
Mac: That's funny.
Dennis: Yeah, people are gonna laugh at that.
Mac: But that's just a setup.
Dennis: What is it?
Mac: For this. Ding-ding-ding!
Dennis: Oh, it's a baby dick!
Mac: Yeah. We're gonna sell a million of these.
Dennis: We are gonna sell a million of those, dude.
Mac: We'll do black ones and yellow ones, for the Asians.
Dennis: Yeah, that...
Mac: This is probably more Asian than anything else.
Dennis: Dude, yeah, oh my gosh.
Mac: Maybe a little bit more bush.
Dennis: Well, you know what we should do? We should set up a website for it.
Mac: Already did it.
Dennis: What? You did?
Mac: Dick towel dot com.
Dennis: I'll tell you what buddy, I can help you out. I'm gonna toss a frame-bang your way. Here's how that works: I slip into your house one night while your wife is sleeping.. and I ease into her real nice. That way you're both cheating on each other and she can't clean you out.
Dennis: You bet your ass I'm wearing women's underwear!
Charlie: We're both men of the law. You know. We get after it. You know, we jabber jaw, we go tit for tat. We have our little differences. But at the end of the day, you win some, I win some, and there's a mutual respect left over between us.
Charlie: I'll just regress, because I feel I've made myself perfectly redundant.
Charlie: Hello, Charlie Kelly here, local business owner and cat enthusiast. Is your cat making too much noise all the time? Is your cat constantly stomping around driving you crazy? Is your cat clawing at your furniture? Think there’s no answer? You’re so stupid! There is! Kitten Mittens. Finally, there is an elegant, comfortable mitten for cats…. I couldn’t hear anything! Is your cat one-legged? Is your cat fat, skinny, or an in-between? That doesn’t matter! Cause one size fits all! Kitten Mittens! You’ll be smitten! So come on down to Paddy’s Pub. We’re the hoooooooommee of the original Kitten Mittens. Meeeeeeeeeeowwwww!
Mac: Two guns! Six boobs! We're all on the same team!

[edit] Mac and Dennis Break Up [5.09]

Dennis: Oh, do me a favor. Peel this apple for me please.
Dee: No, no I'm not gonna peel an apple for you.
Dennis: But Mac always does it for me.
Dee: Why does Mac peel apples for you?
Dennis: He doesn't like for me to eat the apple with the skin on it. He said the skin is loaded with toxins.
Dee: Ok, well good news Mac's not here.
Dennis: I know he's not here and that's why I need you to do it for me please, please.
Dee: Ah! Jesus just eat it with the skin on.
Dennis: [panicking] I do not like it with the skin Dee! I'm not allowed to eat it with the skin, I'm not allowed!
Dee: Oh my god alright if you just shut up I will peel the apple for you the way Mac likes you to eat it. Give it to me, give it to me. I'll do it the way Mac insists, okay?
Charlie: Cats do not abide by the laws of nature.
Charlie: Cat in the wall, eh? Ok, now you're talking my language. I know this game.
Dennis: Heyo!
Mac: Yo, where you been?
Dennis: What do you mean? I was getting the movie.
Mac: Yeah, but you weren't answering any of my calls. I've been, I've been calling you sort of over and over again.
Dennis: I was having a conversation with the video store clerk.
Mac: Yeah, but I texted you 911, dude. That means it's an emergency.
Dennis: Yeah, I saw that. What was the emergency, Mac?
Mac: Well, I couldn't get in touch with you, dude. I almost called the police.
Dennis: The police? That's a bit of an overreaction. I was gone for what, an hour?
Mac: Yeah, but I thought we had a deal. You know, you would check in every once in a while and then that way I would know that you were okay.
Dennis: Okay, I'm okay. Uh, I'm sorry, can we watch the movie?
Mac: Yeah, great, sure. The Transporter 2 ?
Dennis: Yeah, I, look, man, I... , I know you wanted to see Predator again but I feel like we've seen that 30 times in the last two months and thought maybe we could mix things up. Video store clerk guy said this movie is awesome, so...
Mac: The video store clerk guy. I feel like you won't stop talking about him.
Dennis: I asked him for a movie recommendation, okay?
Mac: Yeah, you got one.
Dennis: It's really not that big of a deal.
Mac: Well, the big deal, Dennis, is that I wasn't even consulted on the decision, okay? And this is a big deal to me, as well. It's also my night. Plus, Transporter 2? We haven't seen Transporter 1 which means we'll be completely lost... Plus, Jason Statham's physique is nothing like the line-up in Predator.
Dennis: Okay, will you stop? I don't want to have conversations anymore about dudes' physiques and whether they can...
Mac: Dennis, in body mass alone...
Dennis: That's what I was trying to avoid. A conversation about body mass, okay? We've had that conversation five times a day for the last month because we keep watching Predator and all you talk about is Weathers and Jesse "The Body" Ventura and how many pounds they can pack on...
Mac: It's important to pack on mass. You're talking about carbo-loading.
Dennis: I don't want to, I don't want to have this conversation with you anymore.
Mac: No, you'd rather have conversations with video store clerks.
Dennis: You know what, man, if you don't wanna watch the movie with me, that's fine. I will watch it by myself. Goddamn it!
Mac: Whoa, whoa, whoa, where is this coming from?
Dennis: I have been thinking a lot about what Dee said and I do think... maybe we are spending a little bit too much time together.
Dee: Whoa, there are a lot of cats in this wall.
Charlie: Yeah, I put a lot of cats in that wall.

[edit] The D.E.N.N.I.S. system [5.10]

(Dennis is walking through the fair while pushing an old lady in a wheelchair.)
Gladys: What's going on?
Dennis: Well, Gladys, we are at a fair, and you're going to pretend to be my grandmother.
Gladys: My grandmother had an affair with Susan B. Anthony.
Frank: See, I would have gone in and bought a box of magnum condoms, thus demonstrating I have a monster dong.
Dennis: Welcome to Hell! Muhahaha.
Frank: I got my magnum condoms and a wad of hundreds; I'm ready to plow!
Dennis: You mean to tell me you got you face painted like a god damn frog person with no ulterior motive?
Ben: I'm a lizard!
Frank: The name's Toboggan, Mantis Toboggan, M.D.

[edit] Mac and Charlie Write a Movie [5.11]

Charlie: What if he can smell crime?
Mac: ...what if he smells crime?
Charlie: Dude dude dude dude dude dude dude! What if he can smell crime before it even happens?
Mac: Holy shit dude, that's amazing! Smells crime before it even happens! Yes, dude!
Charlie: WHAT IF HIS ENTIRE HEAD IS JUST ONE BIG NOSE! Write that down, I like that.
Mac: (Disappointed and looking down) Ah, shit....
Dennis: And then he smells crime again, he's out busting heads. Then he's back to the lab for some more full penetration. Smells crime. Back to the lab, full penetration. Crime. Penetration. Crime. Full penetration. Crime. Penetration. And this goes on and on and back and forth for 90 or so minutes until the movie just sort of ends.
(pause for 7 seconds whilst Dennis seeks comments from the gang)
Frank: That is brilliant, that is the most brilliant movie I've ever heard in my life!
Charlie: I think the audience is gonna be very uncomfortable seeing Dolph Lundgren's naked penis going in to this young girl that you're talking about.
Dennis: Yeah, just to be clear though, I don't care either way.

[edit] The Gang Reignites the Rivalry, i.e.,Flipadelphia [5.12]

Frank: Snortski...Oooohhhhhh!
Frank: I'm doing this jerk-off's taxes. Next year, the IRS will audit the piss out of him!
Frank: Look how loose his jeans are!!
Charlie: i never thought id ever say this in my life, but its weird sleeping without a cat in my bed
Dennis: We totally poisoned your asses!
Frank: How do kids study on this god damn ritterall? I can't stop grinding my teeth

[edit] External links

Wikipedia
Retrieved from "http://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/It%27s_Always_Sunny_in_Philadelphia"