Johnny Dangerously 
- The name's Dangerously. Johnny Dangerously.
- I never should have picked a name like that. A name like that you gotta live up to.
- Diversification. Yes, sir. Were constantly exploring new and exciting areas of crime. And I tell ya somethin'. We better, because there a couple Japanese gangs out there that are going to do it faster and cheaper.
- And you know for you kids out there who are thinkin' about smokin', don't start. And if you started, stop. Smokin' don't make you look tough kids. It makes you look stupid. If you gotta put something in your mouth, make it a stick of chewing gum. Sure, thats what Johnny does. Smoking is the worst thing you can do to your body.
Danny Vermin 
- I've fulfilled a lot of people's predictions about me. I've become a real scumbag.
- You shouldn't shoot me, Johnny. My grandmother shot me once... Once.
- You shouldn't hang me on a hook, Johnny. My father hung me on a hook once... Once.
- Dames are put on this earth to weaken us, drain our energy, laugh at us when they see us naked.
- I enjoy collecting protection money, putting whores to work, loan-sharking. I enjoy planting bombs in people's cars. These are a few of my favorite things.
Ma Kelly 
- I know what you can't say. You wanna get laid. You wanna hump your brains out. Vavoom, vavoom, vavoom!
- The Lower East Side. This really sucks.
- Bless the saints, it's an ashtray! I've been thinking of taking up smoking. This clinches it!
- With a father like "Killer" Kelly, it's a wonder neither of you turned out to be a piece 'o shit criminal.
- Roman Moroni: I would like to direct this to the distinguished members of the panel: You lousy cork-soakers. You have violated my farging rights. Dis somanumbatching country was founded so that the liberties of common patriotic citizens like me could not be taken away by a bunch of fargin iceholes... like yourselves.
- Roman Moroni: You fargin sneaky bastage. I'm gonna take your dwork. I'm gonna nail it to the wall. I'm gonna crush your boils in a meat grinder. I'm gonna cut off your arms. I'm gonna shove 'em up your icehole. Dirty son-a-ma-batches!
- Tommy Kelly: ...that Roman Troy Maronie was responsible for the Mother's Day Massacre, the Christmas Day Slaughter, the Lincoln's Birthday Mutilations, and the Groundhog's Day Beheadings!
- Dutch: It's the .88 Magnum. They made it for him special.
- Danny Vermin: It shoots through schools.
- Ma Kelly: You've gotten to be like a daughter to me and I wanna share somethin' with ya.
- Lil: Awww, what's that Mom Kelley?
- Ma Kelly: I go both ways.
- Dutch: You can't park here. This is a handicapped zone.
- Danny Vermin: I am handicapped. I'm psychotic.
- Johnny: Say kid, what do they call you?
- Lil: Impressive.
- D.A. Burr: Why don't you ease into the job, by taking a vacation?
- Tommy Kelly: But what about crime?
- D.A. Burr: Don't worry. It'll still be here when you get back!
- Lil: So when I was 18 I left home and came here to Chicago.
- Johnny: Uh Lil, this ain't Chicago. We're in New York.
- Lil: You're kidding... Well, New York, Chicago, to a girl on her own, it's all the same.
- Johnny: Whatcha cookin' here, Ma?
- Ma Kelly: Beer.
- Johnny: With noodles! Great idea!
- Tommy Kelly: I just have one last question for you. If a train left New York at 300 miles per hour, and accelerated speed 15 miles per hour, and traveled a distance of 683 miles, tell me sir: what time would that train reach Chicago?!
- Roman Moronie: That's a fargin' trick question!
- (Ma Kelly pours herself a drink from a flask in her purse)
- Tommy Kelly: Mom, it's prohibition!
- Ma Kelly: Oh, shut up! Stop acting like some fag choir boy!
- Danny: Hiya doll. Whats your name?
- Old Cleaning Lady: Mary Margret Catherine Denine.
- Danny: How would you like to make some money?
- Mary: One at a time or both of you together.
- Danny: How much would it cost for you to go clean room 708 and forget you ever saw us?
- Mary: Seventeen thousand dollars.
- Danny: Alright seventeen grand it is.
- Johnny: All right, here it is. Johnny Dangerously is going legit.
- Gang Member: Le-what?
- Johnny: Legit.
- Gang Member: Le-why?
- Danny: I'll tell you le-why. Le-cause Johnny Dangerously... is really Johnny Kelly, brother of the DA, Tommy Kelly.
- Gang Member: Johnny, is this true? Because if it is, I don't know how to react.
- Warden: Johnny it's an honor to have you on Death Row.
- Johnny: Ah don't be silly. The pleasure is all mine.
- Lil: Get this to Johnny on the grapevine. Vermin is going to kill Johnny's brother at the Savoy theater tomorrow night. Got it?
- Polly: Got it.
- Polly: Vermin is going to kill Johnny's brother at the Savoy theater, pass it on.
- Prisoner: Vermin is going to kill Johnny's brother at the Savoy theater tonight, pass it on.
- Prisoner: Vermin is going to kill Johnny's mother at the Savoy theater tonight, pass it on.
- Prisoner: Vermin's mother is going to kill Johnny tonight at the Savoy theater, pass it on.
- Prisoner: There's a message an the grapevine, Johnny.
- Johnny: "Yeah? What is it?
- Prisoner: Johnny and the Mothers are playin' Stompin' at the Savoy in Vermont tonight.
- Johnny: Vermin's going to kill my brother at the Savoy theater tonight!
- Prisoner: I didn't say that.
- Johnny: No, but I know this grapevine.
- Warden: Your turn, Johnny. The priest you've requested has arrived.
- Priest: Are you ready my son?
- Johnny: I'm ready if you are, Father.
- Priest: Dominus hubiscum habisco. Esperitu sanctum. Dey gas da bus.
- Prisoner: So long, Johnny.
- Priest: Me gas da bus. You gas da bus. We missed the bus. They missed the bus.
- Prisoner: Be brave, Johnny.
- Priest: When's the next bus?
- Johnny: Always, Neal.
- Priest: Summa cum laude. Magna cum laude. The radio's too loudy. Odesti fidellas.
- Prisoner: Good luck, Johnny.
- Priest: Centra fidellas. Hi fidellas.
- Johnny: (assembling pieces of the gun handed to him by the prisoners) Why didn't I take shop?
- Priest: Post meridian. Ante-meridian. Uncle Meridian. All of the little meridians.
- Prisoner: Bye bye, Johnny.
- Johnny: Bye, Rocco.
- Priest: Magna Carta. Master charga.
- Prisoner: Spit in his eye, Johnny.
- Johnny: OK, Rabbi.
- Priest: Dume procellas. Lotsa Vitalis.
- Warden: Any last words, Johnny? (sound of gun cocking) Well said!
- Organized crime has never been so disorganized!