Kicking & Screaming
Kicking & Screaming is a 2005 film starring Will Ferrell as Phil Weston, an average man who has had to endure his father Buck's over-competitiveness throughout his childhood. Phil decides to coach his son's recreational soccer team, and soon finds that he's inherited his father's desire to win. description...).
- Directed by Jesse Dylan. Written by Leo Benvenuti and Steve Rudnick.
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Phil Weston: I was born a baby, a blank slate. I thought I was in control of my own destiny, and then I met my dad.
Phil Weston: You're my assistant. You're supposed to back me up and go get me juiceboxes whenever I want. Now go get me a juicebox!
Mike Ditka: DO YOU KNOW WHO YOU'RE TALKING TO?
Phil Weston: I'm talkin' to the juicebox guy!
Mike Ditka: You're crazy!
Phil Weston: I'm not crazy, I'm just thirsty!
Mike Ditka: OH, YOU GO TO HELL!
Phil Weston: No, you go to hell, and while you're there, why don't you grab me a juicebox!
Mike Ditka: I'M NO JUICEBOX BOY, I'LL TELL YOU THAT!
Phil Weston: Yes, you are!
Mike Ditka: No, I'm not!
Phil Weston: Yes, you are!
Mike Ditka: No, I'm not! You're just like your old man!
Phil Weston: I'M NOT LIKE MY OLD MAN!
Mike Ditka: If it were'nt for these kids, I'd whip your butt!
Phil Weston: I CAN TAKE A PUNCH!
Phil Weston: What is that haunting aroma?
Mike Ditka: Way to go, Bing Bong!
Ann Hogan: Hi, Mr.Ditka. I was wondering - my son Byong-Sun is a little shy, so could I get an autograph? Mike Ditka: Yeah, sure, how do you spell it? Ann Hogan: B-Y-... Mike Ditka: I think I got it. [gives paper] Donna Jones: [walking away looking at autograph] Bing-bong?
Mike Ditka: [team is doing push-ups] If you guys were the Bears, I'd fine you $10,000 apiece.
Phil Weston: I am angry. I'm like a large tornado of anger, swirling about.
Buck Weston: I take a vitamin everyday. It's called a steak.
Phil Weston: Hey, I almost had you! Buck Weston: What do you call that again, when you almost win? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah... Losing!
Phil Weston: Ambrose Ambrose: Yeah? Phil Weston: I saw a bunch of nonsense out there. What was going through your head out there last week? Ambrose: I was breaking my back for you coach because of my love for the game. Phil Weston: LIAR!
Phil Weston: [Phil to Mark] How many sarcastic pills did you take this morning?
Phil Weston: Well, if it isn't Porkface Jones. I can eat a box of cookies tonight. Can you do that? No. Because you're nothin' but a fart-faced kid. [kid starts attacking him] Phil Weston: [shouts] Get him off me! [someone pulls kid off] Phil Weston: That's like the little jackal from hell!
Buck Weston: We've got balls! Phil Weston: And vitamins! Buck Weston: But mostly balls! Phil Weston: [with all the kids from the Tigers and Gladiators teams] [shout] Phil Weston: And vitamins!
Phil Weston: They're like 4-foot whirling dervishes. I don't even know what a whirling dervish is but that's what they're like.
Ann Hogan: You ease up on him. Phil Weston: You just ease up there on your corduroy jacket.
Byong Sun: Whoo! Electric in the air!
Jim Davidson 'The Captain': [after the Tigers have arrived to the soccer field from the butcher shop and are covered in blood] You know, actually one of my kids forgot his socks so we forfeit; yeah, we forfeit! Jim Davidson 'The Captain': [turns and starts sprinting to their cars] Run to the car kids! don't look back! Run!
Phil Weston: [Phil is being kicked out of Beantown] What's happening Derek, I thought we were friends. Beantown Employee: My name is Andy! Phil Weston: No, your name is Liar, 'cause you tell lies.
Phil Weston: Hey, you didn't have to take up two spaces! Obnoxious Hummer Lady: Actually, I did. Look at the size of this bad boy, huh? [indicating Phil's smaller sedan] Obnoxious Hummer Lady: This is cute, though! You're saving the environment for all of us. Go hemp! Ha ha!
Referee: Where do I know you from? Phil Weston: I've been your neighbor for the last seven years! Referee: No, that ain't it. Phil Weston: That's definitely it! Referee: I'll figure it out.
Ann Hogan: Byong-Sun is very shy - this book really helped us to deal with it, so you're probably gonna want to give it a glance. Phil Weston: [reading title] My Child is Shy. Thanks. [pause] Phil Weston: I'm sorry, who's your son? Donna Jones: Byong-Sun. Phil Weston: Oh, I see. [pause] Phil Weston: Actually, I don't see, I'm sorry. [realizing they are lesbians] Phil Weston: Oh wait, now I see! Wow!
Ann Hogan: We're at all the games, unlike a lot of the other parents. Phil Weston: No no, not like the other parents at all! You're better than the other parents. Ambrose's Dad: Oh, so they're better? Phil Weston: No, they're different. Donna Jones: What do you mean "different"? Phil Weston: I mean, you're different because you're better. Ambrose's Dad: How are they better? Phil Weston: You're both better different... in a different but better way! Ann Hogan: Uh, okay. [she walks off with Donna] Ambrose's Dad: It's a little early to start playing favorites, Phil.
Byong Sun: [introducing himself] I'm Byong-Sun. Phil Weston: Hi, Byong-Sun. Byong Sun: I am a very kind person. Phil Weston: Oh, that's sweet! Anything that relates to soccer? Byong Sun: No sir. Phil Weston: Well, maybe you and Ambrose can team up - he's big and you might form one megaperson. [Ambrose gives him a dirty look] Phil Weston: Okay, forget I just said that.
Mark Avery: Hi, I'm Mark Avery - you know, I like to keep my pimp hands strong [waving hands, gesturing] Mark Avery: You dig, Cracker? Ya feel me? Phil Weston: What does that mean? Mark Avery: I don't know, I heard it on a rap video once. But I'm really funny. I've got like a million jokes. Phil Weston: Great, I'd love to hear one. Shoot. Mark Avery: Remember the time when you caught and you fell over? Phil Weston: Right, yeah... Mark Avery: [all the kids laugh] Ha ha! I got ya good! I burned ya! I got ya, bad! Phil Weston: How did I get burned? Okay, apparently I don't get it.
Phil Weston: [to Barbara] My dad, he's a coach. He knows the game, he's confident, he's smart, witty, dynamic, vicious, brutal, vindictive, a monster! And he will win by intimidation and forceful tactics if need be. I'm not like that. I don't know anyone like that. Do you? [quick cut to Ditka house] Mike Ditka: So Paul, what's on your mind? Phil Weston: Actually, it's Phil. Mike Ditka: It's not Paul? Phil Weston: No. Mike Ditka: What's the difference? Spit it out. [lights a cigar] Diana Ditka: Mike? Mike Ditka: Here, hold this. [gives cigar to Phil] Diana Ditka: Oh no! We do not allow smoking in the house! Phil Weston: I'm sorry, Mrs. Ditka. Diana Ditka: You should be. Mike Ditka: [Phil hands back cigar] I'll get rid of it, honey!
Donna Jones: [second lesbian extends her hand to Phil's, shaking it with a joltingly strong grip] Donna Jones. You can call me 'Chief.'
Phil Weston: Looks who's here! I'll give you a hint - Hall of Fame, Chicago Bears... Mark Avery: Sammy Sosa? Mike Ditka: C'mon! Phil Weston: Football... coached the 1986... Mike Ditka: '85. Phil Weston: Right, '85 Bears to Superbowl victory... it's Mike Ditka! Mark Avery: Do you know Sammy Sosa? Mike Ditka: Hey, zip it, kid!
Sam Weston: Dad, you're getting a little creepy. Phil Weston: I know, let's all bay at the moon. Sam Weston: What? Phil Weston: You know, howl at the moon... like this. Owwwwooooo... owooo... ow, ow, ow, ow, owwwoooo! Neighbor: Shut up out there! Phil Weston: You shut up in THERE! [continues howling, and all the kids join in; momentarily, a pack of snarling dogs charge into the yard]
Buck Weston: You know how hard it's been for me ever since your mom died. Phil Weston: She didn't die! She divorced you! Buck Weston: Ehh... tomatoes, tomahtoes.
Massimo: [after Sam keeps falling over] Mama Mia! You're a real DUFFER, you know?
The Tigers: [winning team, shouting] Two, four, six, eight! Who do we appreciate? Mike Ditka: Shut up, ya little rats! Phil Weston: They're just showing their appreciation. Mike Ditka: I don't care about appreciation, I just want to win a soccer game. [throws down his clipboard and walks off] The Tigers: [parent picks it up] Can I have this? Phil Weston: Sure. The Tigers: Alllllright!
Mike Ditka: [to the Tigers team] This is gonna be the hardest thing you've ever done in your whole lives. But when it's over... Phil Weston: Don't get emotional... Mike Ditka: When it's over... Phil Weston: [echoing him] When it's over... Mike Ditka: You guys are gonna be champions! Phil Weston: Champions! Mike Ditka: Now let's get out there and kick some butt! Phil Weston: On three, 'let's have fun' The Tigers: [all chant] One, two, three, Let's Have Fun! Mike Ditka: [to Phil, mocking] 'Let's have fun,' what's THAT?
Buck Weston: Oh, this oughtta be good. If we live long enough, we'll see Iron Mike and Aluminum Phil coaching the Tigers. Mike Ditka: I couldn't really hear ya, Weston. My Superbowl ring was making too much noise. [crowd hisses]
Phil Weston: [after Sam gets conked on the head with soccer ball] C'mon, Sam! Get the circulation back in your skull!
Phil Weston: [crying to Ditka] I don't like coffee! It's a vasoconstrictor!
Buck Weston: [to Phil] Be warned, muchacho! You're in the show, now!
Barbara Weston: [trying to comfort an anguished Phil] Phil, I love you... Phil Weston: [crying] What does THAT have to do with ANYTHING?
Phil Weston: [to Barbara] Mike Ditka scares me! Have you ever looked into his eyes? Or at his hair?
Phil Weston: Hi, I'm Phil Weston and this is my son, Sam. I'm new to coffee... I was wondering if you could mix half of the regular version with half of the decaffinated version? Beantown Employees: [to coworker, annoyed] Half-Caff... Beantown Customers: Right, Half-Caff. Phil Weston: A Half-Caff! [to Sam] Phil Weston: We're gonna have a Half-Caff. Sam Weston: [to customer] We're gonna have a Half-Caff. Beantown Customers: [annoyed] Yay. Beantown Employees: Half-Caff. Phil Weston: Thanks. [takes a sip, it's way too hot and he drops the coffee] Phil Weston: Yowww! Mother of Pearl! Beantown Employees: [more pissed now] You shoulda waited for the jacket. Phil Weston: Right... I just got too eager. Uh... Beantown Employees: [to coworker] 'nother Half-Caff! Beantown Customers: [more pissed] Right, 'nother Half-Caff!
Phil Weston: Are you a robot-woman? Are you a robot? Barbara Weston: I am not a robot!
Mike Ditka: Did you just kick your son? Phil Weston: Yeah.
Umberto: [making the two boys recite] Prima la carne, prima la carne. Gian Piero: Prima la carne. Massimo: Prima la carne. Phil Weston: What? Umberto: Meat first, THEN soccer! Phil Weston: Right, meat comes first!
Mike Ditka: New game plan - pass the ball to the EYEtalians!
Phil Weston: [to Gian Piero and Massimo] Take the field. Taka the fielda.
Phil Weston: This is Gian Piero and Massimo. They're apprentice butchers. Mark Avery: Could the blacksmiths and candlestick makers not make it? Mike Ditka: Shut up!
Ann Hogan: Coach Ditka? Hi. Our son, Byong Sun, he's very shy, and we were wondering [hands him a pad to autograph] Mike Ditka: Sure, 'be happy to. Ann Hogan: Thank you so much. It's Byong Sun [spelling] Ann Hogan: B-Y... Mike Ditka: [autographing] I think I got it. [hands it back to them] Mike Ditka: Bye bye. Mike Ditka: [to Phil, awkwardly] Just... a wonderful couple. Ann Hogan: [looking at the autograph] What... Donna Jones: "Bing Bong"?
[Referee's hairpiece falls off; Byong Sun picks it up and puts it on] Byong Sun: Look at me! I'm the Ref! I'm the Ref! Referee: [chasing him] You little... give it back! Phil Weston: [grabs it off Byong Sun and gives back] Sorry about that. Bald Soccer Dad: How much do you think one of those things costs? Phil Weston: I have no idea.
Mike Ditka: I eat quitters and spit out their bones!
[Phil, Barbara, and Sam arrive at Buck and Janice's home after the game] Janice Weston: Hi, you guys! Barbara Weston: Hi! [hugs Janice] Barbara Weston: Hi, Buck. [she kisses him] Buck Weston: Hey it's my two favorite people and Phil! Phil Weston: Very funny, Dad. I've never heard that one before.
Phil Weston: [Byong Sun uses a drinking cup to make popping noises] 'Scuse me... just... don't do that with the cup, okay? [Byong Sun momentarily stops, embarrassed]
Phil Weston: [passing out DVDs] These are instructional DVDs. Study them. Watch them. I only watched it once and already I learned this - it's called "Up and Over". [he shows them this new kick, nearly wrecking the fireplace] Phil Weston: [hears Barbara coming and passes the ball to Mark Avery] Here, hold this. Barbara Weston: Guys, I told you, no playing soccer in the house. Phil Weston: You did, you said it a lot. Barbara Weston: Who did that? Phil Weston: [pointing to Mark] He did. The Tigers: HE DID! Phil Weston: What? Nut'uh! [the kids all descend upon him]
Connor: Coach, did you order the pizzas yet? Phil Weston: All in good time, Connor. But in the event the pizzas don't arrive, I have already made the decision... that we will eat Byong Sun. [Byong Sun backs away from the campfire, freaked out] Phil Weston: Okay, we're not gonna eat him. But he does look pretty appetizing, you have to admit.
Sam Weston: You gotta lighten up. Phil Weston: He started it!
Phil Weston: Every time you say something back to me, it makes me love you more! Buck Weston: Heh.
Sam Weston: How do you say pizza in Italian? Gian Piero: Pizza! Sam Weston: How do you say "spaghetti"? Gian Piero: Spaghetti! Ambrose: Italian's easy.
Phil Weston: [on park pay phone with Umberto] I'm really getting sick and tired of this 'Meat Comes First' thing! Party Guests: [singing] Happy Birthday to you! Happy... Phil Weston: Quiet please! Shut up! I'm on the phone and you're not the only ones in the park!
Phil Weston: So when i took over for coach Benson... Clark: [interrupting] I hear he's a woman now! Party Guests: [laughter] Buck Weston: Oooh. Phil Weston: Actually uh, truth be told, *no one* knows where he is right now. A lot of people are... concerned. Party Guests: [laughter] Phil Weston: I don't know *why* that's funny. Party Guests: [applause]
Mark Avery: Hey Buck, remember when we beat you at the championship game? Buck Weston: Oh yeah, well remember the time when I shoved that kid into the pool? [kicks Mark into the swimming pool]
Phil Weston: Ok, you caught me. The finches were a bad idea. And I wasn't gonna say anything, but I think some of them may have salmonella. A fair amount, in fact. I may have inadvertently poisoned your children.
Phil Weston: Pizza at my house!
Mike Ditka: Every good thing starts with a Brat!
Phil Weston: [javelin drops just next to Barbara] Sorry. It's really windy! Barbara Weston: [catching her breath] No it's not. Phil Weston: It is over there.
Mike Ditka: (after watching the Buck and Phil Weston commercial) These guys couldn't even win a Salad Bowl, let alone a Super Bowl!
