Kitchen Nightmares

Kitchen Nightmares is a reality TV series on FOX where Chef Gordon Ramsay visits failing restaurants across America and tries to help them turn around. It aired its first episode on September 19th, 2007

Season 1

Dillon's [1.02]

Gordon: (finds a half tomato) Where's that from? That's been sliced. That's gone out. Where's that-- Hey madam, where's that tomato gone?

(the other half is being served on a dish in the dining room.)

Gordon: (digging through the slugs in the tomato.) Look! It's (bleep) rotten, you (bleep) idiot! IT'S ROTTEEEEEEEEN!! Has a customer just been served a slice of tomato?!!

Server: No, no, no.

Gordon: So where is it?!!

Andrew: (interview) Oh my god.

(A customer starts eating the other half of the tomato.)

Martin: (interview) Things are looking pretty glum.

---

Gordon: No one is getting served from this (bleep) restaurant tonight! Let's make that clear! Yes or no? Anyone against that?

Andrew: No.

Gordon: No, good.

Martin: (interview) That didn't go down too good. He was extremely angry and extremely pissed off.

Gordon: We are not...ever...again serving any of this food. I don't give a (bleep) what anyone says. Can you go and tell them that the kitchen is closed? Right now! Out there and tell them the truth! Tell them now!

Andrew: (interview) Gordon was so outraged. So angry. I've never seen anything like it.

Gordon: (who can be heard in the dining room) FROM GREEN BURGERS, TO (bleep) FURRY CUCUMBERS, TO (bleep) RANCID POTATOES!!!

The Mixing Bowl [1.03]

[The New York Dragons were not on the reservation list thanks to Mike]

Lisa: (interview) The Dragons were supposed to be on that list and Mike just forgot!

Lisa: How is that missed? How is that overlooked?

Mike: Someone-- the dragons just...

Lisa: Mike, that's what I'm saying.

Mike: I'm not sure what transpired.

Lisa: (interview) It was so upsetting. The was no Dragons on there!

Gordon: My god. For me, it's the most important table. That's embarrasing.

Lisa: You're overlooking extremely important things!

Mike: I was not told about the Dragons. I found out...

Lisa: Well, why do you keep saying that?

Mike: (losing it) Because I wasn't!! I wasn't told!!

Lisa: Excuse me, do not talk to me like that!

Mike: I was told at 7:00 this morning. THAT IT!!! Seriously, I'm pissed off!! DRAGONS ON THE PAPER!!! I'm pissed off!! Not my fault!! Dragons over here, I put them on at 7:00. COULD WE PLEASE MOVE ON?!!! THAT'S IT!!! NOT MY FAULT!!!

Seascape [1.04]

Gordon: (after tasting the crab cakes) They've got it wrong on the menu. It's not a crab cake. It's a crap cake. Because if I eat anymore, I'll be busy crapping for the next hundred and five years.

---

Gordon: Twice baked potato. Thank (bleep) I missed that one twice.

---

Gordon: (finding frozen ravoli that he had for lunch) Bingo. These were my fresh lobster ravoli. Fresh? My (bleep) ass. I've eaten this (bleep)!

---

Gordon: I've never done that before, close down a restaurant, but that was a (bleep) embarassment. Seascape open? (slams closed sign over open one on sandwich board) Close the (bleep) place.

Sebastian's [1.06]

Gordon: (on the over-elaborate menu) You can't push an inherently-faulty concept. That's like shining a turd...absolutely futile.

The Secret Garden [1.10]

Gordon: (taking off his jacket.) (Bleep) hell.

Narrator: With the restaurant on the verge of success, Chef Michel is insisting on reverting back to his old ways and Gordon has reached his breaking point.

Michel: Thank you very much.

Gordon: Cut the (bleep). You don't care anymore. Just get straight to the (bleep) answer.

Michel: I'm not cutting no (bleep). I'm just telling it like it is.

Gordon: Get straight to the (bleep) answer.

Michel: Alright? Your menu's not better than mine, you know?

Gordon: You're a donkey.

Michel: My food has been voted best Chef in Ventura county.

Gordon: WHAT?!!!

Michel: Yeah, listen.

Gordon: Hold On, Hold On. Let me finish!! Let me finish!! You put your (bleep) hands up here and listen to me. YOU RUN A (bleep)HOLE OF A KITCHEN!!! (Bleep) YOURSELF!!!

Michel: NO! NO! NO!

Gordon: (furious) (bleep) OFF!!! Who the (bleep) are you to turn around and tell me when you work like a PIG?!!! YOU FRENCH PIG!!!

Michel: Pig?

Gordon: YOU (bleep) PIG!!!! You're a lazy pig! You're so full of (bleep)! Open your eyes! Take a look around.

Michel: Big mouth! You're not happy?

Gordon: I'M (bleep) HAPPY!

Michel: Go on! You can get out!

Gordon: (flips Michel off) (Bleep) YOURSELF!!

Michel: You can get out! It's my (bleep) kitchen!!!

Gordon: Is It? Well if it's your (bleep) KITCHEN THEN CLEAN IT YOU LAZY (bleep)!!!!!

Michel: (flabbergasted) No.

Season 2

Black Pearl [2.05]

Gordon: A restaurant run by three passionate owners? No chance. Brian, he works two days a week. David, well I don't trust him one little inch. And as for Greg, well he's pissed off at both of them. Basically in a nutshell, Sleepy, Dopey and Grumpy. Who am I? Snow (bleep) White?

Hannan & Mason's [2.07]

Gordon: What a beautiful, quaint little town. I can't think of a better way to spend Valentine's Day than at Hannah &... (sees that the sign is missing the N from "Mason's") Maso's? I guess they couldn't afford the "N." That's not a good start.

---

Gordon: This is not a romantic eat-out. This is a Valentine (bleep) massacre!

Sabatiello's [2.09]

[Dover sole stuffed with imitation crab meat is being sent back to the kitchen]

Sammy: What's the matter with this?

Waiter: She said it's not fresh, she said it's no good.

Gordon: It's (bleep) watery.

Sammy: Let me have a taste. How bad is it? (tastes it) It's not bad though! It's not bad! It's not bad! (Gordon tastes it and spits it out.) Ohhhh no! Come on! He spits it out. It's not bad.

Gordon: You're (bleep) delusional. It's mushy. It's watery. It's fake.

Sammy: It's not the right crab meat. You're right.

Gordon: And it's (bleep) disgusting. You're jumping up and down like a big (bleep) baboon and "Ho, ho! It's good!" Whoo!

---

Gordon: Watching this restaurant perform is embarrassing. Fake (bleep) crab meat inside of sole? It's pretty obvious, it's become the appendix of restaurants in Stamford. You just want to get rid of it and get it out.

---

Narrator: With food now coming back, it's a perfect opportunity for Gordon to witness Sammy's customer service skills.

Sammy: How did you want your meat cooked? Did you want it rare?

Lady: I wanted it medium rare.

Sammy: So can we make you another one? Will you wait or you don't want it all?

Lady: I'll wait, but the thing is I don't want you to stick it back in a microwave.

Sammy: No, we're going to throw that out and make you a new one. Nobody's talking about microwave. You're the one who's talking about microwave.

Lady: It came out of a microwave, otherwise it wouldn't be exsuding heat.

Sammy: Do you work for a microwave company? You know so much about microwave. Unbelieveable. Unbelieveable. Get the (bleep) out of here. Tell her to take a hike.

Customers: That is rude. Wow. To speak to a customer like that, that's disgusting.

[Later when the lamb is recooked and brought back to the lady, the restaurant breaks out in applause]

Sammy: No wait, we're not done yet. I wanna see you cut into it. How is it? Is it still too rare?

Lady: You know what? I'm done. No more chances.

Sammy: Unbelieveable. (interview) Oh my god. I just wanted to pick her up and throw her out. There's a right way and a wrong way of handling something like that and she was totally wrong.

Fiesta Sunrise [2.10]

[Gordon finds a tray of ground beef with dried up fat covering it.]

Gordon: What is that?!!

Vic: Ground beef.

Gordon: Ground beef?!! Half of it's (bleep) fat you idiot! It's fatter than you!

---

Gordon: The fridge is full of (bleep)! It's, it's DISGUSTING! I wasn't here on Saturday, but what were they expecting? (Bleep) ten thousand customers for lunch? Patti, I'm (bleep) disgusted. Yolanda, that's a joke.

Yolanda: I understand. (interview) I don't want people to get sick and I don't want them to spread the word that the food is bad here.

Gordon: (to Vic) You're overstaffed. Underworked. (bleep) food! I wouldn't trust you running a bath, let alone a (bleep) restaurant! You must be out of your tiny mind!

Vic: I care for the restaurant.

[Gordon grabs a huge bucket full of stale refried beans]

Gordon: I wanna take that out there. I dare you, take it out there. Go on, give it to them! Yeah, there you go.

Vic: Excuse me?

Gordon: Look at me! Why won't you take it out there?

Vic: That's embarrassing.

Gordon: Yeah, it is embarrassing. WHY ARE YOU SERVING IT?! YOU DON'T (bleep) CARE!

Vic: Why?

Gordon: Why?! Because you're serving that and trying to charge people money for that. That's why you don't care.

Vic: I care for-

Gordon: YOU DON'T CARE (bleep)! No (bleep) way!

[Gordon picks up the bucket of beans, carries it through to the dining room, and places it on a table in front of the shocked diners]

Gordon: (Bleep)! Ladies and gentlemen! I'm so sorry but we're stopping service. Everything you've had to eat, drink so far is all on the house. Sir, that thing you have in your hand, put it down! Because if you just seen where it came from like I have, you wouldn't be eating it. Very sorry. Close up. (to Vic) No bill anywhere!

Vic: (interview) I was like "What the hell are you doing?" You can't do that to my customers.

Gordon: By the way, there's your refried beans on the way out. Have a look at them.

---

Gordon: You can't run a (bleep) restaurant like that!

Vic: You think I'm mad? I'm (bleep) embarrassed now.

Gordon: You should be (bleep) embarrassed. I'm not putting one foot in that place 'til that place is (bleep) cleaned. Yes?

Vic: You're right.

Gordon: Now you start getting those guys cleaning, yes?

Vic: Definitely.

Gordon: Put some (bleep) pride! Do you understand the word pride?!

Vic: Yes.

Gordon: It's not possible for someone to have his head so far up his (bleep). (bleep) me.

Season 4

PJ's Steakhouse [4.03]

[Gordon orders crab cakes]

Gordon: Somebody spit on my food? What is that?

Server: It's coulis mango sauce.

Gordon: Oh, coulis mango. Thank you. [she leaves] Looks like something out of a modern art museum. Splat! Okay... [takes a bite] Wow. That's (bleep) disgusting. It's rancid. Plastic bits of crap running through the crab cakes.

---

Gordon: PJ's Steakhouse? "Pathetic Joke"! That's what it stands for!

DownCity [4.07]

[Gordon has found rotting food in the refrigerator]

Gordon: You haven't got a head chef?

Abby: Jimmy is my head chef.

Gordon: So we have a head chef. Before, you weren't ready to confirm he was a head chef. All of a sudden, we discover this mess down here. Now, he's appointed.

Abby: Rico, why don't we just sell the place and just get out of the business?

Gordon: Why don't we what?!

Abby: I was talking to Rico. It has nothing to do with you.

Gordon: Has nothing to do with me?

Abby: No.

Gordon: Excuse me? What do you think I'm doing? I'm trying--

Abby: You're being a (bleep, bleep)! This wasn't like this. I don't run a kitchen like this!

Gordon: Hold on a minute. You're calling me a (bleep, bleep)?

Abby: I am!

Gordon: You stuck up precious little bitch! Let me tell you something!

Abby: Oh boy. Here we go.

Gordon: Listen to me!

Abby: I'm not going to listen to you.

Gordon: You're in denial!

Abby: I'm not in denial!

Gordon: Yes you are! You can't even (bleep) accept it!

Abby: (Bleep) you!

Gordon: And you walk out again!

Abby: I am! (Flips off Gordon) (Bleep) you! (walks upstairs)

Gordon: There you go. Flip the bird? (to Rico) That's your attitude and that's your partner? I'm really sorry but this wasn't like this before I got here? She's diluted, that woman.

Abby: You are insane!

Gordon: Blame me all you want! Easy excuses that you're insane!

Abby: I'm insane? You're insane!

Gordon: You can't even handle the (bleep) truth!

Abby: That refrigerator was not like that before you got here.

Gordon: You're in denial. Flip out again!

Abby: I would never allow my refrigerator to go like that.

Gordon: And those bones? The moldy lamb bones?

Abby: I don't even talk to my staff like this! Why don't you get the (bleep) out of my restaurant?!

Gordon: You want me to go? I will go.

Abby: I would love you to go! Get the (bleep) out of my restaurant please!

Gordon: YOU ARE SO IN DENIAL, YOU NEED THERAPY!!

Abby: You're a disgrace to this industry! (Bleep) you and get out of my restaurant! Are you still here?

Gordon: (to the cameraman) Not now guys, please, please.

Abby: (Bleep) him!

Capri [4.12]

Narrator: It's an hour into dinner service.

Gordon: (finding a bag of defrosted chicken) Oh my god almighty!

Narrator: And Chef Ramsay has just discovered a lethal mistake, spoiled chicken at Capri.

Gordon: You'll (bleep) kill somebody!

Jim: What am I supposed to say?

Gordon: Take it off the (bleep) menu! (Jim steps out of the kitchen and walks into the dining room.)

Jeff: Jim! Jim!

Jim: Out of the way! (announcing) Ladies and gentlemen! Due to circu-- circumstance, we have no chicken tonight. (Gordon groans) My apology to everyone here. If you just want to have what you're eating now and leave, I understand fully and I apologize.

Gordon: Hey, there may have been a more subtle way of doing that.

Jim: Get out of my way, (Bleep)! We cancelled all our chicken orders. We got screwed!

Gordon: Will you stop acting like a baby?

Jim: Oh, grow it out of your (bleep)!

Gordon: Excuse me?!

Jim: You heard it!

Gordon: Hey, you need a little diaper changing? That time of night?

Jim: I'll give you something!

Gordon: A little poo-poo? Cack your pants?

Jim: (interview) He's the baby. He's the one that's whining over everything. I don't need to hear this crap.

Gordon: Jim, why do you have to behave like this?

Jim: I'm not going to get yelled at!

Gordon: You're acting around like a big baby. I'm just asking you to grow up a little bit! Show a little respect for what you're trying to cook.

Jim: (Bleep) off!

Gordon: Oh my god! You big wet noodle! Do you want a blanket and a bottle?

Jim: Do you need one? Upside the head?

Jeff: Jim, stop it please.

Gordon: Oh my god. What a spoiled brat!

Jim: (Bleep) you!

Jeff: Jim, shut up please! You're not helping the cause. (Jim's pan catches fire.)

Gordon: Oh my god! Now he's setting himself on fire.

Jim: I hope so.

Gordon: (To Darian) Are they always acting this childish?

Darian: Oh yeah. They don't get their way, they cry or throw a temper tantrum.

Gordon: Oh my god. To walk into the dining room like that and scream.

Darian: That's what I said. A temper tantrum. (interview) There's a part of me that's very satisfied to see the boys finally get what they deserve. A lesson in humility.

---

Jeff: By the way, we have HOMEMADE MEATBALLS!

Oceana [4.14]

[Gordon's blackened duck has been brought back to the kitchen]

Moe: Oh, my God. [groans] It's tough?

Rami: Look how tough the duck is!

Moe: You said it's stuffed?

Rami: It is stuffed, man! Cut it! And look- I'm 500 pounds, and look... [tries to cut it]

Damon: It is not tough.

Rami: The meat is tough!

Moe: I'm hungry and I'm gonna (bleep) eat 'em up myself.

Moe: [interview] That's my favorite dish on the menu. And that duck is not going nowhere. This is gonna stay quackin' on my menu.

Moe: I don't give a (bleep) if he doesn't like it. [takes a bite] Man, this duck is so (bleep) good, man.

---

[No one is giving Gordon a straight answer about when the duck was cooked]

Gordon: HOLY (bleep)!

Moe: I know when the (bleep) duck was cooked! I know!

Gordon: WELL, THANK (bleep) FOR THAT!!! SOLVE THE MYSTERY!

Moe: We cook the duck off the premises. And we usually cook it about once a month.

Gordon: You cook the duck off the premises?

Moe: Yes, in our commissary kitchen.

Gordon: And it stays in the fridge for a month?!

Damon: Freezer.

Gordon: OH, (bleep)!

---

[Gordon walks to where the grill is smoking]

Gordon: Who told you to put oil under there?

Chef: Damon.

Gordon: The chef? So you spray the grill with oil? (cough, cough) (bleep, bleep)!

---

Moe: I NEED THIS (bleep) PLACE SCRUBBED DOWN, TOP TO BOTTOM! I WANT THE TVs WIPED! I WANT THE PIANO WIPED! I WANT THIS PLACE CLEAN! WHAT PART DON'T YOU (bleep) UNDERSTAND?! [throws down a chair] WE JUST SHUT DOWN THE (bleep) RESTAURANT!!! TONIGHT!!! NOBODY SEEMS TO GET THAT (bleep)!!! CLEAN THIS (bleep) MESS!!!

---

Gordon: I'm going to do some work in the kitchen. Do you have any recipes...on pen and paper?

Moe: (points to his head) Right here.

Gordon: What?!

Moe: Right here.

Gordon: So why aren't they on pen and paper? Why haven't we got a database?

Moe: I like to keep my recipes secrets. If I put them on a piece of paper, I don't want anyone to steal them.

Gordon: (Bleep) hell. Oh (bleep). So you're worried that somebody gets the recipe and copies it.

Moe: Anybody changes my recipe, I'm going to kill them. It's my recipe.

Gordon: Rami, help me out here. Is this for real?

Rami: This is what we do everyday chef. [Gordon laughs]

Moe: You think it's funny but believe what I tell you.

Gordon: I don't think it's funny, You're just a little bit deluded...I'm here to help. I don't want to see you running around killing yourself like a busy idiot. I've just gone over the fact that we haven't got any recipes on paper, and all in your head. You're worrying about writing them down for some other chef copying them and making their restaurants more successful than yours. I'm in the real world. That's where I am. You're treating me like one of your (bleep) staff. Well, let me tell you, Moe, I'm not a member of your staff. Flip the table, punch me, do the (bleep) what you wanna do. But don't (bleep) with me.