Machete is a 2010 action-comedy film co-written, produced, and directed by Robert Rodriguez and Ethan Maniquis. It is an expansion of a fake trailer that was released together with Rodriguez's and Quentin Tarantino's 2007 Grindhouse.
The film also stars Robert De Niro, Jessica Alba, Don Johnson, Michelle Rodriguez, Steven Seagal and Lindsay Lohan, who filmed scenes for the film during the autumn of 2009. Cheech Marin and Jeff Fahey returned to portray their characters from the original trailer.
- Padre: [from trailer]
[inside the church]
- Padre: It's not safe for you to be here.
- Machete: I'm not looking for "safe".
- Padre: No, I mean it's not safe for me for you to be here!
- Padre: [from trailer]
[Padre quickly blesses Machete]
- Padre: I absolve you of all your sins. Now, get the fuck out!
- Machete: Machete don't text.
- Sartana: We didn't cross the border. The border crossed us.
- Sartana: I thought Machete don't text.
- Machete: Machete improvise.
- Padre: [offers Machete a cigar] Cuban?
- Machete: Mexican.
- Stillman: I'd rather see that Mexican dance the Bolero at the end of a rope.
- Booth: Machete sent me a text.
- Osiris: What did it say?
- Booth: "You just fucked with the wrong Mexican."
- Sartana: Well, there's a law and there's what's right. I'm going to do what's right.
- McLaughlin: [after shooting a Mexican trying to cross a border] Welcome to America.
- Torrez: You're Machete's girl. I know, because you're his type.
- Sartana: What type is that?
- Torrez: Dead.
- Henchman: Please, father. Have mercy.
- Padre: God has mercy, I don't!
- Stillman: Helter Skelter's here.
- Booth's Bodyguard #1: [seeing Machete walking towards Booth's doorsteps carrying a pickaxe and a motor scythe] Hey, hey-heh, boss. Who are you?
- Machete: The new gardner.
- Booth's Bodyguard #1: The gardner.
[speaks Hungarian to Machete]
- Booth's Bodyguard #1: Just fucking with you, chief. It's Hungarian for I going to kill you, you little monkey. You know what, there's a big pile of shit in the back. You can go and clean that up, all right? Make sure you do a good job.
[Machete walks past him silently]
- Booth's Bodyguard #1: Make sure to wipe those boots off. Carrying shit in the house.
[to his colleague]
- Booth's Bodyguard #1: You ever noticed how you let a Mexican into your house just because he's got gardening tools? No questions asked, you just let him right in. Could have a chainsaw. You know, a machete...
Senator McLaughlin: Well, I wanna thank y'all for coming out today, and I wanna thank my supporters from the bottom of my heart. Because we have been tested -- tested by fire. Our border has been put to the test, and let me tell you: we have failed that test. The aliens, the infiltrators, the outsiders, they come right across by light of day or dark of night. They'll bleed us, they're parasites. They'll bleed us until we as a city, a county, a state, a nation are all bled out. Make no mistake: we are at war. Every time an illegal dances across our border it is an act of aggression against this sovereign state, an overt act of terrorism. Everywhere I go in this state people are talking about change. I say "why change"? This is a great state founded on the princeples of liberty, I don't wanna change that. Our rightful citizens are hardworking Americans who earn their paychecks by the grit of their guts and the sweat of their brow! I don't wanna change that! "Change," that's what they want, change. Change the laws, open the doors. Red rover, red rover, let the terrorists come over! Let me tell you what change that'll bring: 68 cents. The jingle-jangle of pennies in your pocket because the scavengers, the leeches, the parasites are walking away with your money, while you're left with the change. So, I wanna say one more thing: who you gonna vote for?