Major Payne
From Wikiquote
Major Payne is a 1995 comedy film, starring Damon Wayans. The film is a loose remake of the 1955 film The Private War of Major Benson, starring Charlton Heston.
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[edit] Major Payne
- Know this; Killing is my business, ladies, and busi..ness is GOOD!
- From now on, you will not eat, sleep, blow your nose or dig in your butts without my say!
- From now on, my little group of shaved scrotum sacks, you will walk like me, talk like me, eat like me, and until you win those games, you will be BALD like me.
- You'll get no sympathy from me! You want sympathy, look in the dictionary between shit, and syphilis! Thats where you'll find my sympathy!
- ONE..don't you feel dumb. TWO..look at you! THREE..don't you ever make jokes about me behind my back or else I'll stomp you in the ground!
- You have graduated training and have been promoted. I will never again refer to you as turds. From this day forward, you will be called maggots!
[edit] Dialogue
- Marine has been wounded
- Marine Private: AHHHH my arm my arm!
- Major Payne: Want me to show you a little trick to take your mind off that arm?
- Marine nods and Payne grabs the private's pinky finger
- Major Payne: Now you might feel a little pressure.
- Major Payne breaks the Marine's pinky
- Marine Private: AUGGGGH! My finger, my finger!
- Major Payne: Works every time.
- Major Payne has captured a South American drug lord and is holding a gun to his head. Drug lord's underlings all point their weapons at Major Payne
- Drug Lord{laughing}: Surely Senor, you cannot kill us all!
- Major Payne grabs drug lord's pistol with his other hand and points it at the butt of one of the underlings
- Major Payne: Maybe not, but I can clean out your colon faster than one of those burritos with extra gucamole sauce!
- Enitre drug cartel surrenders to Major Payne
- Major Payne: General, are you telling me that nowhere in the military is there any longer a job for trained human weapons of destruction such as myself? Surely there must be SOMEBODY left who needs some killing, or some killing done for them.
- General: Sorry, Major. There's nobody left. You've killed them all.
- Major Payne: [Facing closet] He in there? [Tiger nods; Payne unloads several rounds into the closet] If he's still in there he ain't happy!
- Emily: He's trying to show you some affection.
- Major Payne: I don't like it. It makes me feel all funny.
- Major Payne: Here I got somethin' for ya. [puts a piece of metal in Emily's hand]
- Emily: What is it?
- Major Payne: A bullet. It's somethin' special. It's from my heart.
- Emily: Really? Well, where did you get it?
- Major Payne: From my heart, left ventricle, took it out myself with field knife.
- Cadet Stone:[bursts out the door] If i'm the squad leader, my first order's to screw you, sir!
- Major Payne: What you say to me, turd?
- Stone: Why don't you go back to hell where you came from?
- Major Payne: [approaches Stone] Boy, I am two seconds from being on you like white on rice[in Stone's face] and a glass of milk on a paper plate in a snowstorm! I will put my foot so far up your ass the water on my knee will quench your thirst!
- Stone: Try it. [Payne flinches but restrains from hitting Stone]
[edit] Cast
- Damon Wayans - Major Benson Winifred Payne
- Karyn Parsons - Emily Walburn
- Steven Martini - Cadet Alex J. Stone
- Michael Ironside - Lt. Col. Stone
- Orlando Brown - Cadet Kevin "Tiger" Dunn
- Albert Hall - General Decker
- Geoffrey Kissell - Cadet Dotson
- Damien Wayans - Cadet Dwight "D." Williams
- Chris Owen - Cadet Wuligar
- Stephen Coleman - Cadet Leland
- Mark Madison - Cadet Fox
- Peyton Chesson-Fohl - Cadet Sgt. Johnson
- Scott Bigelow - Biker
