George Marriott Edgar (October 5, 1880 – May 5, 1951) was a British writer and comedian, best remembered for his comic monologues about Lancashire working-class characters and about figures from English history. These were popularized in the music halls and on records by Stanley Holloway, who also wrote his own monologues about some of the same characters. Works by Edgar and Holloway are therefore often misattributed to each other.
Albert, 'Arold and Others (1938)
- There's a famous seaside place called Blackpool,
That's noted for fresh air and fun.
- "The Lion and Albert", line 1
- A grand little lad was young Albert,
All dressed in his best; quite a swell.
With a stick with an 'orse's 'ead 'andle,
The finest that Woolworth's could sell.
- "The Lion and Albert", line 5
- They didn't think much to the Ocean,
The waves, they was fiddlin' and small,
There was no wrecks and nobody drownded,
Fact, nothing to laugh at at all.
- "The Lion and Albert", line 9
- Now Albert had heard about lions,
How they was ferocious and wild;
And to see Wallace lying so peaceful,
Just didn't seem right to the child.
So straightway the brave little feller,
Not showing a morsel of fear,
Took his stick with the 'orses 'ead 'andle,
And shoved it in Wallace's ear.
- "The Lion and Albert", line 21
- Then Pa, who had seen the occurrence,
And didn't know what to do next,
Said "Mother! Yon Lion's 'et Albert,"
And Mother said "Well, I am vexed!"
- "The Lion and Albert", line 33
- At that Mother got proper blazing,
"And thank you, sir, kindly," said she.
"What, waste all our lives raising children
To feed ruddy Lions? Not me!"
- "Albert and the Lion", line 69
- "Y' not charging tuppence for that little lad?"
Said Mother, her eyes flashing wild.
"Per tuppence per person per trip," answered Ted,
"Per woman, per man, or per child."
- Noah said "Nay; I'll make thee an offer,
The same as I did t'other day.
A penny a foot and a free ride.
Now, come on, lad, what does tha say?"
"Three ha'pence a foot," came the answer.
So Noah 'is sail 'ad to hoist,
And sailed off again in a dudgeon,
While Sam stood determined, but moist.
- "Three Ha'pence a Foot", line 61
- So with 'is 'ead down in a corner,
On 'is front paws 'e started to walk,
And 'e coughed and 'e sneezed and 'e gargled,
Till Albert shot out like a cork.
Old Wallace felt better direc'ly,
And 'is figure once more became lean,
But the only difference with Albert
Was 'is face and 'is 'ands were quite clean.
- "The Return of Albert", line 21
- Then giving young Albert a shilling,
He said "Pop off back to the Zoo.
'Ere's your stick with the 'orses's 'ead 'andle,
Go and see what the Tigers can do!"
- "The Return of Albert", line 73
- Sam, Sam, pick oop tha musket.
- "Sam Small", lines 17, 25, 33, 45 and 47
- "Sam Small" was one of Stanley Holloway's compositions. The full text is at monologues.co.uk