Monk (TV series)

From Wikiquote

Monk (2002 – 2009) is a television drama/comedy created by Andy Breckman about Adrian Monk, a former detective, and now consultant, for the San Francisco Police Department who suffers from a number of psychological disorders, including obsessive-compulsive disorder and several phobias.

Contents 1 Season 1 1.1 Mr. Monk and the Candidate [1.01] 1.2 Mr. Monk and the Psychic [1.02] 1.3 Mr. Monk Meets Dale the Whale [1.03] 1.4 Mr. Monk Goes to the Carnival [1.04] 1.5 Mr. Monk Goes to the Asylum [1.05] 1.6 Mr. Monk and the Billionaire Mugger [1.06] 1.7 Mr. Monk and the Other Woman [1.07] 1.8 Mr. Monk and the Marathon Man [1.08] 1.9 Mr. Monk Takes a Vacation [1.09] 1.10 Mr. Monk and the Earthquake [1.10] 1.11 Mr. Monk and the Red-Headed Stranger [1.11] 1.12 Mr. Monk and the Airplane [1.12] 2 Season 2 2.1 Mr. Monk Goes Back to School [2.01] 2.2 Mr. Monk Goes to Mexico [2.02] 2.3 Mr. Monk Goes to the Ballgame [2.03] 2.4 Mr. Monk Goes to the Circus [2.04] 2.5 Mr. Monk and the Very, Very Old Man [2.05] 2.6 Mr. Monk Goes to the Theater [2.06] 2.7 Mr. Monk and the Sleeping Suspect [2.07] 2.8 Mr. Monk Meets the Playboy [2.08] 2.9 Mr. Monk and the 12th Man [2.09] 2.10 Mr. Monk and the Paperboy [2.10] 2.11 Mr. Monk and the Three Pies [2.11] 2.12 Mr. Monk and the T.V. Star [2.12] 2.13 Mr. Monk and the Missing Granny [2.13] 2.14 Mr. Monk and the Captain's Wife [2.14] 2.15 Mr. Monk Gets Married [2.15] 2.16 Mr. Monk Goes to Jail [2.16] 3 Season 3 3.1 Mr. Monk Takes Manhattan [3.01] 3.2 Mr. Monk and the Panic Room [3.02] 3.3 Mr. Monk and the Blackout [3.03] 3.4 Mr. Monk Gets Fired [3.04] 3.5 Mr. Monk Meets the Godfather [3.05] 3.6 Mr. Monk and the Girl Who Cried Wolf [3.06] 3.7 Mr. Monk and the Employee of the Month [3.07] 3.8 Mr. Monk and the Game Show [3.08] 3.9 Mr. Monk Takes His Medicine [3.09] 3.10 Mr. Monk and the Red Herring [3.10] 3.11 Mr. Monk vs. the Cobra [3.11] 3.12 Mr. Monk Gets Cabin Fever [3.12] 3.13 Mr. Monk Gets Stuck in Traffic [3.13] 3.14 Mr. Monk Goes to Vegas [3.14] 3.15 Mr. Monk and the Election [3.15] 3.16 Mr. Monk and the Kid [3.16] 4 Season 4 4.1 Mr. Monk and the Other Detective [4.01] 4.2 Mr. Monk Goes Home Again [4.02] 4.3 Mr. Monk Stays in Bed [4.03] 4.4 Mr. Monk Goes to the Office [4.04] 4.5 Mr. Monk Gets Drunk [4.05] 4.6 Mr. Monk and Mrs. Monk [4.06] 4.7 Mr. Monk Goes to a Wedding [4.07] 4.8 Mr. Monk and Little Monk [4.08] 4.9 Mr. Monk and the Secret Santa [4.09] 4.10 Mr. Monk Goes to a Fashion Show [4.10] 4.11 Mr. Monk Bumps His Head [4.11] 4.12 Mr. Monk and the Captain's Marriage [4.12] 4.13 Mr. Monk and the Big Reward [4.13] 4.14 Mr. Monk and the Astronaut [4.14] 4.15 Mr. Monk Goes to the Dentist [4.15] 4.16 Mr. Monk Gets Jury Duty [4.16] 5 Season 5 5.1 Mr. Monk and the Actor [5.01] 5.2 Mr. Monk and the Garbage Strike [5.02] 5.3 Mr. Monk and the Big Game [5.03] 5.4 Mr. Monk Can't See a Thing [5.04] 5.5 Mr. Monk, Private Eye [5.05] 5.6 Mr. Monk and the Class Reunion [5.06] 5.7 Mr. Monk Gets a New Shrink [5.07] 5.8 Mr. Monk Goes to a Rock Concert [5.08] 5.9 Mr. Monk Meets His Dad [5.09] 5.10 Mr. Monk and the Leper [5.10] 5.11 Mr. Monk Makes a Friend [5.11] 5.12 Mr. Monk Is At Your Service [5.12] 5.13 Mr. Monk is On the Air [5.13] 5.14 Mr. Monk Visits a Farm [5.14] 5.15 Mr. Monk and the Really, Really Dead Guy [5.15] 5.16 Mr. Monk Goes to the Hospital [5.16] 6 Season 6 6.1 Mr. Monk and His Biggest Fan [6.1] 6.2 Mr. Monk and the Rapper [6.2] 6.3 Mr. Monk and the Naked Man [6.3] 6.4 Mr. Monk and the Bad Girlfriend [6.4] 6.5 Mr. Monk and the Birds and the Bees [6.5] 6.6 Mr. Monk and the Buried Treasure [6.6] 6.7 Mr. Monk and the Daredevil [6.7] 6.8 Mr. Monk and the Wrong Man [6.8] 6.9 Mr. Monk Is Up All Night [6.9] 6.10 Mr. Monk and the Man Who Shot Santa Claus [6.10] 6.11 Mr. Monk Joins a Cult [6.11] 6.12 Mr. Monk Goes to the Bank [6.12] 6.13 Mr. Monk and the Three Julies [6.13] 6.14 Mr. Monk Paints his Masterpiece [6.14] 6.15 Mr. Monk is on the Run, Part 1 [6.15] 6.16 Mr. Monk is on the Run, Part 2 [6.16] 7 Season 7 7.1 Mr. Monk Buys a House [7.01] 7.2 Mr. Monk and the Genius [7.02] 7.3 Mr. Monk Gets Lotto Fever [7.03] 7.4 Mr. Monk Takes a Punch [7.04] 7.5 Mr. Monk is Underwater [7.05] 7.6 Mr. Monk Falls in Love [7.06] 7.7 Mr. Monk's 100th Case [7.07] 7.8 Mr. Monk Gets Hypnotized [7.08] 7.9 Mr. Monk and the Miracle [7.09] 7.10 Mr. Monk's Other Brother [7.10] 7.11 Mr. Monk On Wheels [7.11] 7.12 Mr. Monk And The Lady Next Door [7.12] 7.13 Mr. Monk Makes The Playoffs [7.13] 7.14 Mr. Monk And The Bully [7.14] 7.15 Mr. Monk And The Magician [7.15] 7.16 Mr. Monk Fights City Hall [7.16] 8 Season 8 8.1 Mr. Monk's Favorite Show [8.1] 8.2 Mr. Monk and the Foreign Man [8.2] 8.3 Mr. Monk and the UFO [8.3] 8.4 Mr. Monk is Someone Else [8.4] 8.5 Mr. Monk Takes the Stand [8.5] 8.6 Mr. Monk and the Critic [8.6] 8.7 Mr. Monk and the Voodoo Curse [8.7] 8.8 Mr. Monk Goes to Group Therapy [8.8] 8.9 Happy Birthday, Mr. Monk [8.9] 8.10 Mr. Monk and Sharona [8.10] 8.11 Mr. Monk Goes Camping [8.11] 8.12 Mr. Monk and the Dog [8.12] 8.13 Mr. Monk Is the Best Man [8.13] 8.14 Mr. Monk and the Badge [8.14] 8.15 Mr. Monk and the End (Part One) [8.15] 8.16 Mr. Monk and the End (Part Two) [8.16] 9 Recurring quotes 10 Cast 11 External links

[edit] Season 1

[edit] Mr. Monk and the Candidate [1.01]

[After watching Monk at work]

Cop #1: So that's the living legend.

Cop #2: If you call that living.

---

[Monk is silently wandering around a crime scene.]

Policewoman: What's he doing?

Sharona: I love this part. He does this Zen Sherlock Holmes thing.

---

Sharona: You're going straight to Hell.

Adrian Monk: I am in Hell.

---

Miranda St. Claire: Let me ask you a question. How can you investigate anything? I'm told you're germophobic, afraid of the dark, heights, crowds, and... milk.

Sharona: We're working on the milk. He's making good progress on milk.

---

Miranda St. Claire: What I do know is, if my husband is elected Mayor, you will never work in this town again. [to her aide] Let's go.

[She walks off.]

Monk: [to Sharona] Are you registered to vote?

Sharona: I never vote. It only encourages them.

---

Capt. Stottlemeyer: Let it go!

[leaves]

Sharona: Are we gonna let it go?

Monk: Hell, no.

---

Sharona: What do we do now?

Monk: We're gonna follow the money. Mmm, aah! I've always wanted to say that!

---

Miranda St. Claire: You have to believe me.

Adrian Monk: Mrs. St. Claire, I have to listen to you. I don't have to believe you.

---

[The hired killer, after shooting his employer, continues to fire on the crowd.]

Sharona: Oh my God! It's Sykes! He's here.

Capt. Stottlemeyer: Sykes? What's he doing here?!

Monk: I think he and Gavin are having some kind of contract dispute.

---

Monk: So, are you ever going to tell me what kind of dancing you did in Atlantic City?

Sharona: Ballroom.

[edit] Mr. Monk and the Psychic [1.02]

[ Dirt-fearing Monk is standing a distance from the muddy car crash site on a plank.]

Sharona: Adrian! Don't you want a closer look?

Monk: No, I-I can see from here.

Sharona: Would you like us to move the crash site a little closer to you?

---

[Capt. Stottlemeyer returns to his office to find Monk and Sharona waiting inside.]

Capt. Stottlemeyer: Oh, I'm sorry, I thought this was my office. Yeah, see, I-I'm confused because my name is on the door.

Monk: Don't... don't blame Sharona, Captain.

Capt. Stottlemeyer: I have no intention of blaming Sharona.

[He looks at his desk.]

Capt. Stottlemeyer: What happened here?

Monk: I took the liberty of straightening up a little.

Capt. Stottlemeyer: Where is all my crap?

Monk: Obviously, I had to throw some things away.

---

[Monk is looking for some evidence in a hardware store.]

Monk: It's a small pebble. It's about the size... of a... small pebble.

---

[Monk finds the crucial piece of evidence lodged in his hair after Sharona has been rooting around in a dumpster for it.]

Monk: Oh, wait. I found it.

Sharona: Where was it?!

Monk: It was in my... it must have flown up and got caught in my...

Sharona: [hits the side of the dumpster] GO-OD! I can't believe I listened to you! You're driving me nuts!

---

Monk: You gotta be a little skeptical, Sharona. Otherwise you end up believing in everything — UFOs, elves, income tax rebates...

[edit] Mr. Monk Meets Dale the Whale [1.03]

Benjy: [about Monk] Can I bring him to school? Like, for show and tell?

---

Monk: Go to hell.

Dale "The Whale" Biederbeck: No doubt I will. I just hope it's handicap accessible.

---

[Late at night, Stottlemeyer and Disher brainstorm on how the immobile Biederbeck could have killed the judge.]

Disher: What about liposuction?

Stottlemeyer: What?

Disher: Liposuction, yeah! He... he lipo'd himself down to like, uh... I don't know, like 400 pounds. Down the elevator, across town... killed the judge.

Stottlemeyer: Well, how did he gain all the weight back?

[Long pause.]

Disher: Reverse liposuction.

---

[Capt. Stottlemeyer leads star witness Vezza from Biederbeck's bedroom. Biederbeck yells after him.]

Biederbeck: There's not a prison in the country that can hold me!

Monk: There are very few shopping malls that can hold you. But, nonetheless, we're gonna give it a try.

---

[Monk and Sharona are walking down a pier.]

Sharona: Adrian, can I ask you something? If it's none of my buisiness, I promise I'll shut up.

Monk: I doubt it.

[They smile and there is a pause as they keep walking.]

Sharona: What did Trudy mean by "bread and butter"?

Monk: Whenever Trudy and I were walking somewhere, we would hold hands, and if there was a lamp post or somebody walked between us and we had to let go for a second, she'd always say "bread and butter".

Sharona: So when she died...

Monk: Yeah, I think it was a message for me. She was saying, "I have to let go now for a little while, but it won't be forever."

[She takes his arm in hers and they continue walking.]

[edit] Mr. Monk Goes to the Carnival [1.04]

[After Monk breaks her car's headlight while driving, Sharona stops him from getting back behind the wheel.]

Sharona: I'm driving. When Hell freezes over, you can drive again. No — you know what? Even if Hell freezes over, I'm still driving, because I don't want you driving on the ice! Get in the car!

---

[Captain Stottlemeyer comes out of the hearing, having failed to support Monk's reinstatement.]

Sharona: You son of a bitch.

Monk: I thought you were gonna do the right thing.

Stottlemeyer: I think I did do the right thing.

Sharona: He saves your ass all the time, and he never asks for anything in return. He closes case after case, and then he goes home and watches you on the news taking all the credit!

Stottlemeyer: I wanted to recommend you, I tried to recommend you, but I just couldn't do it. Adrian, you are not ready to carry a gun. You're not ready to have other cops depend on you under fire. In your heart, you know you're not ready.

[Monk walks off.]

Sharona: At least your friend Adam Kirk has the decency to stab people in the front.

---

Capt. Stottlemeyer: Hey, Randy, did I ever tell you about Monk's first day as a detective?

Lt. Disher: No, sir.

Capt. Stottlemeyer: Take a seat. [Randy does] He didn't have a partner, so I got stuck with him.

Lt. Disher: Was he, uh...? [motions to his head]

Capt. Stottlemeyer: No, no. He was... a little wound. He used to clean the windshield and rearrange the glovebox before we'd roll. Anyway, we're the primaries on a body at a hotel in the Castro. A hooker had swallowed a bunch of promazine - you know, the big sleeping pills?

Lt. Disher: Horse tranquilizers, sir.

Capt. Stottlemeyer: I said suicide. Every cop on the scene said suicide. Medical examiner said suicide. Monk walks in, says murder. "Where's the water?" The room had no water! Simple. Eight people in the room, but nobody saw that.

Lt. Disher: Well, I'm sure you would have seen it eventually, sir...

Capt. Stottlemeyer: Don't kid yourself. There is only one... Adrian Monk.

---

Sharona: You okay?

Monk: I just wanna be alone.

Sharona: Okay, I'll come with you.

---

[first time line is spoken in the series]

Sharona: So you remember how many empty boxes you saw?

Monk: Yes. It's a blessing, and a curse.

[edit] Mr. Monk Goes to the Asylum [1.05]

[On the hospital's roof, Monk addresses "Santa" as the police cover them from below.]

Monk: By the way, in case we don't get a chance to talk later, [I] just want you to know — except for the murders and your trying to kill me, you really were the best doctor I ever had.

[edit] Mr. Monk and the Billionaire Mugger [1.06]

[Sharona waits impatiently for her paycheck, but Monk doesn't think the case is solved yet.]

Sharona: Adrian, I'm giving you until 3.

[Monk looks at his watch.]

Sharona: No, not 3 o'clock. I'm counting to three.

[edit] Mr. Monk and the Other Woman [1.07]

Monk: It doesn't make any sense.

Stottlemeyer: Does everything have to make sense, Monk?

Monk: Well... yeah, it kinda does.

---

Todd: You should be ashamed of yourself!

Monk: I am, 24-7.

---

[Adrian packs to stay overnight at Monica's after a murder in her garage.]

Sharona: I am not coming to get you in the middle of the night!

Monk: You won't have to get me — I'm not a child, Sharona. [worriedly] Can't find my PJs!

---

[After Stottlemeyer ruins Monk's night "sleepover" with a wrong accusation, and Monk nevertheless solves the case...]

Stottlemeyer: Hey, Monk!

[Stottlemeyer shuffles uncomfortably for a moment.]

Stottlemeyer: I'm sorry.

Monk: You don't have to say that.

Stottlemeyer: Yes, I do. Commissioner is making me.

[edit] Mr. Monk and the Marathon Man [1.08]

[After Monk misses seeing his marathon idol, Tonday, because he was uninvitedly fixing someone's sweater...]

Monk: It was askew!

Sharona: So what? So what — why can't you just let people be askew? I mean, what are you, the Askew Police?

Monk: Yes, I'm the Askew Police.

---

[Stottlemeyer et al. confront McDowell about his affair with the murder victim.]

Stottlemeyer: She was your girlfriend.

McDowell: Yes, uh... I really screwed up, big time.

Stottlemeyer: How long have you been "screwing up"?

---

[Tonday gives Monk his headband from his famous 1973 run. Monk places it against his cheek.]

Monk: Thank you, my friend. Thank you for this. This... means the world to me.

Tonday: I haven't worn it since the big race. Or washed it.

[Tonday gets into his taxi. Monk pulls the headband off his cheek and stares at it.]

Monk: Baggie! Baggie! Baggie, baggie!

Sharona: Just give it to me.

[edit] Mr. Monk Takes a Vacation [1.09]

[Monk and Benjy observe Sharona losing to a handsome acquaintance at tennis.]

Benjy: Mom coulda got that shot. You think she's letting him win?

Monk: I wouldn't be surprised.

Benjy: You know, why do girls do that?

Monk: Someday you'll understand. [pauses] When you do, call me and explain it to me.

---

[Monk and Disher are talking on the phone]

Disher: So, you want to tell me what's going on?

Monk: I think this time, he might have killed his wife.

Disher: Where are you staying, Monk? The Bates Motel?

Monk: No, but I think this place is run by the same company.

---

[Trying to locate the murder victim, Monk investigates some missing bags of quicklime.]

Monk: There had to be more than one person. I think we're looking for a gang. Did they move those palette boards?

Groundskeeper: They don't belong there.

[Monk compares the window height to the palette stack height.]

Monk: They were short.

Groundskeeper: A short gang of lime thieves?

Monk: It's a nutty world.

---

Monk: Okay, just for the record, what we just did...

Benjy: Breaking and entering?

Monk: Yeah... it's wrong. Don't-don't do it.

---

[Monk, with Benjy tagging along, checks out the maids' locker room.]

Benjy: Think the dead body's in here?

Monk: Maybe. It's been everywhere else.

[edit] Mr. Monk and the Earthquake [1.10]

[The earthquake prevents Sharona and Benjy from returning to their home.]

Sharona: Well, we can always stay at Aunt Gail's.

Benjy: Why can't we stay at Mr. Monk's?

Sharona: Because I will go crazy slower at Aunt Gail's.

---

[As they sit with the new widow, gibberish-speaking Adrian attempts to express his condolences. Sharona tells him to leave the room.]

Father Hatcher: Um... where's he from?

Sharona: Neptune.

---

Benjy: The water's brown!

Gail: Oh yeah, it always gets like that after an earthquake. Fortunately, I always keep some mineral water around for situations like this... Where's my water?

[She opens the cupboard under the sink, which is empty. Cut to the bathroom, where Monk is soaking in the tub, surrounded by empty plastic bottles.]

Gail: [banging on the door] Mr. Monk?

Monk: Don't come in, I'm taking a bath.

Gail: With my mineral water?!

Monk: I tried the water from the tap, it was a little rusty.

Gail: Yeah well, enjoy that bath, it's costing me ninety-five dollars!

Monk: [oblivious to her sarcasm] Thank you!

---

Lt. Disher: So, uh... what's it like, having Adrian Monk as a house guest?

Gail: Well, a few years ago, a squirrel got into the house, and I could hear it running through the attic and the walls. Took me two months to get rid of it. Drove me crazy.

Lt. Disher: ...And?

Gail: And, that's what it's like!

---

[Sharona kicks Darryl into the arms of Capt. Stottlemeyer, who grabs him from behind.]

Darryl: Son of a bitch!

Stottlemeyer: I'm surprised you can talk with a broken jaw.

Darryl: I don't have a broken jaw!

[Stottlemeyer spins him around and belts him.]

[edit] Mr. Monk and the Red-Headed Stranger [1.11]

[During the initial police press conference, a streaker runs by.]

Stottlemeyer: What the hell was that?

Disher: That was a... streaker, sir.

Stottlemeyer: What is this, 1974?

---

[Monk rattles off an arcane observation about one of Willie's studio recordings.]

Willie: You know more about me than I do.

Sharona: He knows more about everybody than they do.

---

[Re-enacting the crime, Monk shoots Sharona with Benjy's toy gun.]

Sharona: Ow! Why am I always the victim?

Monk: Because the victim usually ends up on the ground, in-in the dirt. And I'm... I'm me. Okay, so now... you've been shot. So now you... run away.

Sharona: With pleasure.

---

[Sharona and Monk are looking through some bagged LP albums in a used-record store.]

Sharona: Look at all these plastic bags! You must be in heaven.

---

[Monk interrupts Benjy as he interviews Wendy Maas, the blind witness.]

Sharona: Adrian! This is Benjy's interview.

Monk: Then what am I doing here?

Sharona: I don't know. I never know.

[edit] Mr. Monk and the Airplane [1.12]

Sharona: Aunt Minn's not coming here. I'm going there. My, ah, flight leaves in about an hour, and... I'm gonna be gone for seven days.

Monk: In a row?

---

[Adrian empties his pockets of all his baggied items, including his money.]

Security Guard: You didn't have to put them in baggies, sir.

Sharona: No, he did.

---

Monk: She forgot she was a vegetarian? Who forgets they're vegetarian? It's like... forgetting you're a Republican.

---

[Monk is talking to Lt. Disher on an airplane phone.]

Disher: Are you really up there in an airplane?

Monk: It's better than being up here not in an airplane.

---

[Stephan's girlfriend locks Monk inside the bathroom while he is changing. He starts banging on the door and Sharona comes to rescue him.]

Monk: Sharona! Open up! This isn't funny!

[Sharona opens the door. Monk pops out, clutching a piece of paper.]

Sharona: What's that?

Monk: It's my will.

[edit] Season 2

[edit] Mr. Monk Goes Back to School [2.01]

Stottlemeyer: Well, I guess this is your worst nightmare, a crime scene on a rooftop.

Monk: No, it's not my worst nightmare. It's my fourth worst. No, wait, fifth. No, fourth. Fourth or fifth, I didn't bring the list with me.

---

Monk: [repeating the murder suspect's words back to him] Q.E.D. Quod erat demonstratum. "Thus it is proven."

[edit] Mr. Monk Goes to Mexico [2.02]

[Monk's suitcases, filled with food and water, get stolen]

Monk: What am I going to eat and drink?

Sharona: Adrian, they have food and water in Mexico.

Monk: Answer the question! What am I going to eat and drink!?

---

[After Monk has turned up, having been presumed dead]

Monk: [Tortured] That officer outside told me I was dead. I'm not dead... am I?

---

[Monk is presumed dead]

Stottlemeyer: I want a full-dress funeral, white gloves and black armbands, twenty-one gun salute. I want the governor there, and I want the mayor to give a eulogy...

Disher: Monk wasn't on active duty, sir. We can't go full-dress...

Stottlemeyer: Adrian Monk is to be buried with honors, or I quit! Let me tell you something, Lieutenant, and I'm not afraid to say this: I loved that man.

[The phone rings.]

Stottlemeyer: [answers] Stottlemeyer... yes. Yes, I understand.

[hangs up]

Stottlemeyer: Adrian Monk is alive.

[pause]

Stottlemeyer: I HATE THAT MAN!

---

Lt. Plato: Maybe you come back alone, you can earn some more necklaces.

Sharona: Why does everybody keep mentioning my necklaces?

Lt. Plato: They are fiesta beads.

Sharona: What are fiesta beads?

Lt. Plato: You don't remember how you got them?

Sharona: Ahh, no.

Lt. Plato: Guys give them to girls... at parties.

Sharona: Oh, what for?

[Lt. Plato whispers to Sharona]

Sharona: [gasps] Oh my God, why didn't you tell me?!

Lt. Plato: You wore them so... proudly!

---

[explaining what happened, hoarsely, as he hasn't drank any water in days]

Monk: He was a thirsty victim...

Sharona: Adrian.

Monk: I mean, the perfect victim.

[edit] Mr. Monk Goes to the Ballgame [2.03]

[Monk gets baseball star Scott Gregorio to coach Benjy at batting practice.]

Sharona: Thank you, Adrian! [pause] I thought I'd thank you now, because in a half an hour, you're probably gonna piss me off again.

Monk: You're welcome.

---

Scott Gregorio: They say that when you lose an arm, you can still feel it. That's what it feels like. I miss her so much. How do you... how do you go on? How do you keep working?

Adrian Monk: When Trudy fell in love with me, I was a detective. I was on the street, breaking cases. So I keep working. I keep trying to be the man she loved. That's all you can do: be the man she loved.

---

[Monk solves the case, and brings a videotape to prove his theory.]

Monk: Can I make a prediction here? You're each going to say, "Oh, my God" twice.

Sharona: Okay, here it is!

Monk: Don't blink.

[They watch the video.]

Capt. Stottlemeyer: Oh, my God.

Lt. Disher: Oh, my God!

Capt. Stottlemeyer: Oh, my...

Lt. Disher: Oh, my God!

Monk: [off Stottlemeyer's look] My God.

---

[after the season ends, and Scott has failed to break a famous record]

Scott Gregorio: ...But I would like to say something. I met a man recently. He's become a good friend. He reminded me that there are things in life much more important than baseball. What matters most, is the people you love. Being true to them, or their memories. That's the real ball game. My friend isn't giving up on that, and neither am I. I'll see you all in spring training.

[edit] Mr. Monk Goes to the Circus [2.04]

[Monk announces that horsetrainer Ariana is preparing to become a U.S. citizen.]

Ariana: How did you know that?

Monk: That pamphlet in your bag.

[In Ariana's purse, we see "A Guide to the United States Constitution".]

Monk: You're studying the U.S. Constitution — something no citizen would ever do.

---

Monk: I wanna make sure I understand this. I have a problem... you know the answer...

Dr. Kroger: That's right.

Monk: I'm paying you...

Dr. Kroger: That's right.

Monk: ...but you won't tell me.

Dr. Kroger: That's right. Adrian, the answer is inside you.

Monk: No, doctor, the... answer is inside you. If you told me, I would hear it, and then the answer would be inside me!

---

Monk: Can't somebody do something about this clown?!

---

[Monk summarizes the case, and a nearby clown imitates Monk and Stottlemeyer.]

Natasia: Like Tolstoy, you know how to tell a clever story, but you need proof. The elephant isn't talking. Anyone could have put that radio thing in her ear.

Stottlemeyer: Randy, take that thing down to the lab straightaway.

[The clown motions Randy out.]

Monk: I don't think they'll find any prints. She's too smart. I'm sure she wiped it down...

[Natasia looks smug.]

Monk: Then again, that walkie looks brand new, which means she had to put batteries in it.

[The smug look fades.]

Monk: You did remember to wipe your prints off the batteries, didn't you, Natasia?

Clown: [Makes honking sound, forms a gun with hands] Wocka wocka!

Stottlemeyer: All right, that's it, freak. You're under arrest! (Cuffs clown)

Clown: For what?!

Stottlemeyer: For impersonating an officer!

---

[Monk wants to go home a few minutes after they arrived]

Sharona: Oh, just suck it up.

Monk: I don't think it's my turn to suck it up, I think it's your turn to suck it up.

Benjy: Hey, why don't you both suck it up?

Sharona: Excuse me! Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?

Benjy: No.

Sharona: Well, you should. Come here.

[edit] Mr. Monk and the Very, Very Old Man [2.05]

Stottlemeyer: A hundred and fifteen? People that old, they die! It's like their job!

---

Stottlemeyer: Adrian Monk, have you studied the room?

Monk: Yes, I have.

Stottlemeyer: Have you formed an opinion about the cause of Miles Holling's death?

Monk: Yes, I have.

Stottlemeyer: And what is your opinion, Adrian Monk?

Monk: He... was murdered. [into Stottlemeyer's cell phone] He was murdered, Karen.

Karen Stottlemeyer: I knew it!

Stottlemeyer: Sweetheart? I'm gonna strangle Monk, and then I'll call you right back.

---

Monk: So what do you think?

Stottlemeyer: Well, why ask me? My hippie wife's a much better cop than I am.

Monk: Don't say that.

Stottlemeyer: Look, I don't mind living in your shadow, Monk; you're a freak of nature.

Monk: Thank you.

---

[Monk jumps on top of the dining table to avoid a snake.]

Stottlemeyer: I thought you were afraid of heights.

Monk: Snakes trump heights. It goes: germs, needles, milk, death, snakes, mushrooms, heights, crowds, elevators...

Stottlemeyer: Okay, okay — I don't need the entire list.

---

Stottlemeyer: Monk, I'm going to say something I've wanted to say for a long time.

Monk: What is it?

Stottlemeyer: I just solved the case!

[edit] Mr. Monk Goes to the Theater [2.06]

[Monk and Sharona follow Jenna to a hotel, but are intercepted by a greeter for a conference.]

Greeter: Oh! Excuse me! Have you registered?

Monk: For... what?

Greeter: Speedy Dates. We do it here once a month.

Sharona: Oh, yeah yeah yeah. I-I read an article about this. It's for singles. Instead of spending all night with one jerk, you get to meet 15 jerks at once.

Greeter: Yeah, that's not exactly how we would describe it.

---

Monk: Speedy Dates? No. No, no. No, that's like... Dante's seventh circle of Hell.

---

Date #1: [Romantically] I like your eyes.

Monk: Well, thank you. They came with the face.

Date #1: [Romantically] So you're a former police officer.

Monk: That's right.

Date #1: [Romantically] You still have your handcuffs?

Monk: Yes.

Date #1: [Romantically] Can you show them to me sometime?

Monk: I don't see why you would want to... they're just handcuffs!

---

Sharona: So, how'd the dating go?

Monk: Oh, it was terrible! Thank God I'm not single.

Sharona: You are single.

Monk: Oh, yeah.

---

Monk: You... you enter from the right...

Sharona: You mean the left. That's stage left.

Monk: But it's on the right.

Sharona: But it's stage left. That's what they call it.

[She shrugs at Monk's confusion.]

Sharona: My sister's an actress!

Monk: But- but- for the purposes of this recreation, let's just call it what they call it on Planet Earth.

Sharona: [sardonically] Like you would know.

[edit] Mr. Monk and the Sleeping Suspect [2.07]

Sharona: Is that a new tie?

Lt. Disher: It's a gift from my girlfriend.

Sharona: She has very good taste. In ties, not in men.

Lt. Disher: Ooh — do I detect a hint of jealousy?

Sharona: If you do, it's the only detecting you've ever done.

---

Monk: He's the guy.

Stottlemeyer: Who?

[Monk indicates Brian, who is in a coma]

Stottlemeyer: Him? Monk, he's a vegetable! He's not even a vegetable! He hopes to one day be a vegetable!

---

Stottlemeyer: All right, so... Brian built the bomb, and then Brian mailed the bomb, by himself.

Monk: That's right.

Stottlemeyer: While he was in a coma.

Monk: [admiringly] You gotta admit — it's a pretty good alibi. It's rock solid!

Stottlemeyer: Monk, I have known 15,000 criminals in my lifetime. Here's what they all have in common: they're conscious!

Monk: Nonetheless.

Stottlemeyer: Is your shrink coming back soon?

---

Sharona: Why can't you be happy for me?

Monk: I am happy for you. This is me, being happy for you. I was just telling Brian how happy you seem.

Sharona: Who's Brian?

Monk: Brian Babbage.

Sharona: The coma guy? He woke up?

Monk: No.

Sharona: But you were talking to him.

Monk: He's a good listener.

---

U.S. Postal Worker Tamil Swarma: The U.S. Post Office unwittingly became the Messenger of Evil. Who'd a thunk it?

Monk: Well put, Tamil.

[edit] Mr. Monk Meets the Playboy [2.08]

[Monk tries to find an article in a Sapphire nudie magazine, but after seeing its other contents, he looks away, humming nervously.]

Diane: Are you a religious man, Mr. Monk?

Sharona: He is now.

---

Monk: That's strange. Why would he need a mirror on the ceiling?

Sharona: Try not to think about that now.

---

Dexter Larsen: [about his life before publishing Sapphire] I was a nerd, publishing my little electronics magazine. I was the kind of guy a woman like you would never talk to.

Sharona: You still are.

---

[Monk has reduced a whole room full of Sapphire models to tears reading Trudy's last poem to him.]

Partygoer: [coming in] Anybody want a swim?

Model: I just want to go home.

2nd Model: Me, too.

[edit] Mr. Monk and the 12th Man [2.09]

Mrs. Ling: You come back anytime, Mr. Babcock. You good customer, 'cause you don't complain.

Lt. Disher: Ma'am, he just killed eleven people.

Stottlemeyer: Twelve. Let's not forget about the first Mrs. Babcock, who I'll bet is buried under that new porch.

Mrs. Ling: Yeah, well... he still good customer. Not crazy like that Mr. Monk over there.

[edit] Mr. Monk and the Paperboy [2.10]

[Monk has accidentally wiped his hands with a garage rag, smearing them with oil.]

Monk: Oh, my God! Oh, the humanity!

---

[Monk refuses to reveal his intimacies with his late wife to his psychiatrist.]

Dr. Kroger: Adrian, we can talk about your sex life with Trudy or we can sing show tunes until this session is over. It's your choice.

[pause]

Monk: [singing] If ever would I leave you...

...

[Eventually, Monk stops singing. He looks at his watch and stares at Dr. Kroger for a while, then...]

Monk: [singing] If ever would I leave you...

---

Monk: Why do you torture me like this?

Sharona: Because I can.

[edit] Mr. Monk and the Three Pies [2.11]

Sharona: [answers phone] Hello? No, I'm Sharona, his assistant. Who's this? Hold on, please. [to Monk] Adrian? You have a brother?

[Everyone looks up, surprised. Long pause.]

Adrian: No.

Sharona: [into phone] I'm sorry, sir, you must have the wrong Adrian Monk.

[She hangs up. Immediately, the phone starts ringing again.]

Adrian: Wait, wait... I might have a brother.

Sharona: You told me you were an only child.

Adrian: I consider myself an only child. We're not close! He has issues.

Stottlemeyer: [raised eyebrow] Your brother has issues?

Adrian: Don't you people have work to do? There's a dead woman over there!

---

[after meeting Ambrose, Sharona hugs Monk]

Monk: What's that for?

Sharona: For making my family seem normal.

---

Sharona: Hi, I'm Sharona Fleming and this is Adrian Monk.

Van Ranken: [starts breathing heavier] Monk... from next door?

Monk: No, I'm his brother.

Van Ranken: You almost gave me a heart attack! That guy hasn't left the house in, what, twenty years?

Monk: Thirty-two...

Van Ranken: My wife knows him. Isn't he... scared of stuff?

Monk: Yes... he's scared of stuff. Stuff... and things.

---

Sharona: Ambrose, come with us.

Ambrose: Outside? Oh no, I can't.

Sharona: You're just gonna hide in this house for the rest of your life?

Ambrose: That's my plan, yes.

---

Captain Stottlemeyer: Mr. Van Ranken, we would like permission to search your pie.

Van Ranken: What?

Captain Stottlemeyer: Please, don't make me say it again.

Van Ranken: And if I refuse?

Captain Stottlemeyer: Then we'll get a search warrant.

Van Ranken: For a pie?

[edit] Mr. Monk and the T.V. Star [2.12]

[Monk reenacts a murder with Sharona as the victim]

Sharona: I think you enjoy shooting and stabbing me.

Monk: No, I don't enjoy it. But it's my job.

---

[Monk solves the case]

Monk: Oh, my God. I think I know what happened here. Sharona, you're not going to like this. Just-just try to keep an open mind, hear me out...

Sharona: [sadly] He did it, didn't he?

---

Marci: If you ever get your own TV show, promise me you will never change the theme song.

N.B. Monk has "It's a jungle out there" by Randy Newman as his theme song in season two forward, but the first season had a guitar melody. As Marci says this, the old theme song starts to play and continues playing over the end credits.

[edit] Mr. Monk and the Missing Granny [2.13]

[Stottlemeyer and Monk are interrogating Ron Abrash, a suspect in a kidnapping.]

Abrash: What have you been smokin', man?

Monk: I've been smokin' THE TRUTH, MAN!

Abrash: What, are you guys playing "Good cop, crazy cop?"

---

[Monk is trying to get a man at a homeless shelter to have gravy, because everyone else is.]

Sharona: Adrian, he doesn't want any gravy!

Monk: Let the man speak for himself.

Man: I don't want any gravy!

...

[Monk approaches man that didn't want gravy]

Monk: Here, it is!

Man: I told you, I didn't want any!

Monk: Didn't you just ask for gravy?

Man: Are you serious?

Monk: Oh. Well, here it is.

Man: I told you, I don't want it.

Monk: Okay, how about this. You have some gravy...

Man: And?

Monk: That's it.

[edit] Mr. Monk and the Captain's Wife [2.14]

[Stottlemeyer prepares to lead a raid on a union's headquarters]

Lt. Disher: Captain! That was Monk!

[everyone freezes]

Lt. Disher: He said he solved the case.

Stottlemeyer: He what?

Lt. Disher: He says it's not a union thing.

Stottlemeyer: ...Is he sure?

Lt. Disher: ...He's Monk.

---

Stottlemeyer: Did Adrian Monk just jump into a garbage truck?

[edit] Mr. Monk Gets Married [2.15]

Sharona: Have you been drinking?

Disher: Yes, I have. I couldn't think of any other way to get all this Scotch into my body.

---

Disher: There's something wrong about this. My spidey sense is tingling.

---

Sharona: Adrian, you have to sit. This is a picnic.

Monk: I - I don't sit on the ground. Animals do things on the ground - terrible, terrible things.

---

Sharona: We're never going to get away with this! They're never going to believe we're really married.

Monk: We have nothing in common. I annoy you all the time. Why wouldn't they believe it?

---

Monk: I can't sleep with a crooked shelf in the room.

Sharona: Well, when you turn the light off you won't see it.

Monk: I wish you could hear yourself sometimes. You live in a dream world.

[edit] Mr. Monk Goes to Jail [2.16]

[Two officers discuss an inmate who will be executed soon]

Warden Christie: Where's Ray Kaspo?

Guard: In the holding cell, having his last meal. Ribs and chili.

Warden Christie: Ribs and chili? That might kill him before we do.

---

Adrian Monk: It seems prison agrees with you, Dale.

Dale "The Whale" Biederbeck: Well, why wouldn't it? After all, [indicates his stomach] I've been inside this prison all my life.

Adrian Monk: That's very poetic.

Dale "The Whale" Biederbeck: Of course, it doesn't compare with the prison you built for yourself.

---

Dale "The Whale" Biederbeck: I want to make you an offer...

Sharona Fleming: Oh please, drop dead!

Dale "The Whale" Biederbeck: Well, you'd think I would have by now, wouldn't you? [laughs]

---

[while pretending to be a convict, Monk tapes a picture of Trudy to his cell wall]

Spyder Rudner: Is that your old lady?

Adrian Monk: Yes.

Spyder Rudner: Is she waiting for you?

Adrian Monk: Yes, she is.

---

Spyder Rudner: All right, Adolf, let him go!

Lody: It's not about you, Spyder!

Spyder Rudner: The guy's a friend of mine.

Lody: He's a cop!

Spyder Rudner: Yeah, so I've heard. Let him go.

Lody: You'd side with a cop over us?

Spyder Rudner: I'd side with a cucaracha over you.

[edit] Season 3

[edit] Mr. Monk Takes Manhattan [3.01]

[The federal authorities are refusing access to Tennyson]

Stottlemeyer: You gave me your word.

Det. Walter: Come on, I didn't lie to you. If we close the ambassador case...

Stottlemeyer: Look, I don't care about the frigging ambassador, okay? He means less than zero to me! My friend's wife got blown up! You understand? And it killed him too!

---

[Monk accidentally gets pushed onto a departing subway]

Sharona: Sir, sir! You've got to stop that train, he's all alone-!

Subway Cop: All right, ma'am, just calm down. It happens all the time. [lifts his radio] What's his name?

Sharona: Adrian Monk.

Subway Cop: And how old is he?

Sharona: He's forty-five.

---

Monk: You... it was you. You filthy, disgusting animal! YOU MAKE ME SICK!

[confused, everyone turns to look]

Busboy: Me?

Sharona: What are you doing? He's a busboy!

Monk: Sharona, don't you recognize him? From the subway! He's the Urinator! Urinator! It was you! Don't try to deny it-

Stottlemeyer: Monk...

Monk: We saw what you did-!

Stottlemeyer: Monk! Could we get back to the quadruple homicide, please?

---

[Monk and Sharona are in a diner where Monk wants to use his one pair of handcuffs to arrest someone who urinated in public earlier.]

Sharona: That man took a whizz in the subway. That man killed four people in cold blood. Now who do you think we should arrest?

[Monk thinks it over]

Monk: [hesitantly] The murderer.

---

Tennyson: You were the husband?

Monk: I am the husband.

Tennyson: Forgive me.

Monk: Forgive you? This is me, turning off your morphine...

[Tennyson's eyes widen in horror]

Monk: ...and this is Trudy, the woman you killed, turning it back on.

[edit] Mr. Monk and the Panic Room [3.02]

[Monk is patching up Benjy after he got into a fight at school.]

Monk: Uh-oh...

Benjy: What?

Monk: The Band-Aid.

Benjy: It's okay, it doesn't have to be perf- [Monk rips it off] OW!

...

Sharona: Now Benjy, you're grounded! That means no TV, and no Playstation!

Benjy: Mom!

Monk: Sharona, he was just sticking up for a friend.

Sharona: Adrian, you stay out of this! You're not his father.

Monk: That's true, but I care about him as much as any father.

[He rips off the Band-Aid again.]

Benjy: OW!

---

Stottlemeyer: They call it a panic room. I know that's a difficult concept because, for you, every room is a panic room.

Monk: Thank you.

---

Disher: [after explaining his theory] ...Thus, suicide by monkey.

Sharona: Thus, theory by monkey.

---

[Dr. Kroger is at Monk's apartment because Sharona left a chimp loose with Monk.]

Dr. Kroger: I can see your space has been violated, and I think you're handling it very well. I'm proud of you. How do you feel?

Monk: [high-pitched voice] I'm fine. These things happen, what can you do?

Dr. Kroger: Exactly, exactly. These are all just material objects. You can always replace anything that he breaks, or chews, or... [sees] pees on.

Monk: Chews or pees on... Chews or pees on...

[edit] Mr. Monk and the Blackout [3.03]

[During a blackout]

Monk: [groans]

Sharona: Benjy, hold his hand.

Benjy: Ow! He's squeezing it!

Sharona: Let him squeeze it.

Monk: When will it be over?

Sharona: Adrian, calm down, they're working on it now, it won't be long.

Monk: When will it be over?

Sharona: I'm telling you, I don't know, they're working on it.

Monk: When will it be over?!

Benjy: Make him stop!

[The lights come back on]

Sharona: See? I told you.

Monk: I didn't know when it would be over.

Sharona: So I heard.

---

[Monk has a date]

Sharona: Are you excited?

Monk: Yes... if by excited, you mean petrified and full of regret.

Sharona: Petrified and full of regret. Welcome to the world of dating.

---

[When stuck in a elevator due to a blackout]

Monk: [pushing Emergency Call button] Lobby, lobby, lobby, lobby, lobby...

Person in Elevator: Sir, the power is out. That means you can't reach them.

Monk: ...Yeah, you're probably right. [Resumes pushing button] Lobby, lobby, lobby...

---

[during yet another blackout]

Monk: [stumbles and hits something] I cannot find my night-vision goggles. There is a fatal flaw in the night-vision goggle plan!

---

[Stottlemeyer and Disher burst in and point their guns at the criminal]

Monk: Lieutenant, these are night-vision goggles! Turn the lights back off, I'll have the advantage! Turn them off!

Lt. Disher: Yeah, we could do that... or we could just arrest him.

[edit] Mr. Monk Gets Fired [3.04]

[Sharona is confused about Monk's near-catatonia after he lands a magazine job on his first interview.]

Sharona: What's the problem? It's a great job!

Monk: I had a great job. I-I was a cop, that's all I ever wanted to be. I couldn't fix the whole world, I knew that. But I could fix... little pieces of it, one little piece at a time. Put things back together. Sharona, I-I need it. I miss it, I-I miss it so much...

Sharona: Hey, hey. I miss it too.

---

Monk: I solved the case!

Sharona: What are you doing?

Monk: I'm dancing a jig!

Sharona: That's not a jig.

Monk: What is it, then?

Sharona: I don't know, I don't want to know.

Monk: I'm back, baby!

[edit] Mr. Monk Meets the Godfather [3.05]

[Sharona has her car in the shop for repairs.]

Monk: Tell him about that noise your radio keeps making.

Sharona: That's my music.

---

[FBI agent Colmes wants Monk to wear a wire into a meeting with mob kingpin Salvatore Lucarelli.]

Monk: Okay, okay. Here's the thing: I can't have anything taped to my chest.

Colmes: Ah, that's fine. Come here, I'll... let me show you this. Ah, you see, these days...

[He pulls out a piece of paper.]

Colmes: We can put a transmitter just about anywhere on the human body. You have six options.

[Monk and Sharona examine the list, with Disher and Stottlemeyer looking over their shoulders.]

Monk: Number One... is out. Number Two... uh, you-you wouldn't actually shave me there, would you?

[Colmes nods.]

Monk: Okay... no thank you. Number Three...

Sharona: What if you had to sit down?

Monk: Right. Good point. Number Four...

[He slowly looks up at Colmes, then turns to Sharona.]

Monk: Even if I die, don't let them do Number Four.

Lt. Disher: Number Five.

Monk: I'll do... okay. I'll do it. I'll try that.

Sharona: That's only for women!

Lt. Disher: Oh! Right.

Monk: Oh, yeah. Ah, Number Six... Number Six. I'll... I can do that.

Colmes: Number Six? Great.

Monk: Not Four.

---

[Mob "associate" Vince insists on guarding Monk and Sharona.]

Vince: Uncle Sal told me [to] keep an eye on you. It's for your own protection.

Monk: It's a little insulting. I haven't needed a babysitter since I was nineteen.

Sharona: You had a babysitter when you were nineteen?

Monk: Everyone did. It was the seventies; it was a crazy time.

---

[Monk gets a confession from the real culprit, but discovers the wire wasn't working.]

Monk: Maybe we can trick him into... saying it again.

Colmes: Oh, really? How're we gonna do that?

Monk: Well, I'll just go back there, sit down, and say... "What?"

---

[Colmes refuses to support Monk's reinstatement since their sting didn't turn up any evidence against Salvatore.]

Stottlemeyer: Let me tell you something. Adrian Monk may be afraid of germs, heights, elevators, and puppies... but you couldn't pack that man's lunch.

Colmes: Ah, that's true. I've seen that man pack a lunch. He's insane.

[edit] Mr. Monk and the Girl Who Cried Wolf [3.06]

[Sharona thinks she is losing her sanity like her father, and believes it's due to the stress of taking care of Monk. She is at Dr. Kroger's office.]

Sharona: I swear to God, if I have a breakdown, I'll never forgive him.

Dr. Kroger: Your father?

Sharona: Adrian.

---

Varla: [Picks up piece of paper] "List of Adrian Monk's fears and phobias." Hmm... "Germs, Needles, Snakes, Heights, Milk, Cr..." MILK? You're afraid of milk?! My three-year-old nephew isn't even afraid of milk!

Monk: You must be very proud of him.

Varla: Yes, I am proud of him, not because of that, but because he's normal. You're not anything near that!

[edit] Mr. Monk and the Employee of the Month [3.07]

[Monk steps on some bubble wrap on the ground at the crime scene and is compelled to pop it to make it even.]

Capt. Stottlemeyer: Having fun?

Monk: No.

---

Capt. Stottlemeyer: Are you going to pop all of these?

Monk: No choice.

[Capt. Stottlemeyer picks up another side and starts popping it.]

Monk: You've gotta depress it with your thumb-

Capt Stottlemeyer: Monk, I know how to pop bubble wrap!

[He calls two more officers over]

Capt. Stottlemeyer: Start popping these.

[They keep popping for a few seconds.]

Officer: Is there any reason why we're doing this?

Capt. Stottlemeyer: Nope. Just keep popping.

Monk: Thanks. I really appreciate it.

---

[Sharona, Disher, Monk, and Stottlemeyer are in a "Mega-Mart" warehouse.

Sharona: Tired?

Disher: I was up all night with my girlfriend.

Sharona: Yeah, those imaginary girlfriends can be pretty wild.

Disher: She's not imaginary.

Sharona: [Sarcastically] Really? What's her name?

Disher: Crystal.

Sharona: [Sees box labeled "Crystal Glassware"] What's her last name? Glassware?

Disher: No, it's Smith.

Sharona: You have a picture?

Disher: [Takes picture from wallet, gives picture to Sharona]

Sharona: Oh, she's pretty. [Turns over picture] Randy, this came with the wallet!

Disher: Yeah, I know. She's a wallet model.

Sharona: That's sad.

Disher: Sharona, she's one of the world's top five wallet models!

---

[Monk is late for dinner]

Sharona: So where is he, anyway?

Christie: Last I saw, he was putting away boxes in the shoe department.

Sharona: He's putting boxes away?

Christie: [laughing] Yeah...

Sharona: Oh, God. Maybe we'd better go ahead and start ordering now, you know?

---

Christie: 89-cent plastic commemorative plaque. Would you kill someone to get this?

Monk: I'd kill someone not to get it.

[edit] Mr. Monk and the Game Show [3.08]

Monk: [on the phone with Sharona] He's in the kitchen, naming every egg salad sandwich he's ever had. Eight, including today. It's not funny, stop laughing.

...

Monk: Come back soon. And when you do, bring a gun.

---

[Kevin Dorfman and Monk are looking in a suspects house, and are debating whether they can go in]

Kevin: I know, I'll lean in.

Monk: What?

Kevin: Yeah, you can lean anywhere you want to. It's in the Constitution.

Monk: I can't imagine what Constitution you're referring to.

[edit] Mr. Monk Takes His Medicine [3.09]

Monk: I'm afraid... of change... and I'm afraid of not changing...

---

Sharona: I am your nurse! Why didn't you tell me?

Monk: Because I knew you'd bring me down! You're bringing the Monk down, man.

---

Monk: I am so outta here.

---

Monk: Hey, you know what they say: wherever the Monk is, it's Mardi Gras.

---

Sharona: Is it you?

Monk: I think so. [touches a lamp]

Sharona: What happened to "The Monk"?

Monk: Trudy didn't like him.

[edit] Mr. Monk and the Red Herring [3.10]

Dr. Kroger: Your new assistant is out there, somewhere.

[Monk ponders this for a while.]

Monk: God help her.

---

[Monk is interviewing candidates for his new assistant.]

Nurse #2: What would my hours be?

Monk: Nine A.M....

Nurse #2: Until...?

Monk: Until one...

Nurse #2: One P.M.?

Monk: Until one of us dies.

---

Capt. Stottlemeyer: Well, does anybody have any ideas?

Lt. Disher: Maybe it swallowed something. Like a diamond!

Capt. Stottlemeyer: Does anybody besides Randy have any ideas?

---

Capt. Stottlemeyer: How are those interviews going? Did ya find anybody?

Monk: I've narrowed it down... to nobody.

---

[Pursuing a suspect, Natalie drags Monk through a walkthrough exhibit of a woman's reproductive system.]

Natalie: Pretend you're in a funhouse.

Monk: Funhouse?! What's fun about fallopian tubes?!

...

Natalie: Okay, fetus ahead!

Monk: Ahhhh!

[They turn into the fallopian tubes.]

Monk: Ah, no! Oh, I c— I can't go up there, I— ah, I-I-I-I don't even know this woman.

[edit] Mr. Monk vs. the Cobra [3.11]

Monk: It must be a heavy burden, to carry such tremendous wisdom.

Master Zi: It is a gift... and a curse.

---

[Natalie whacks Monk with a pillow from a coffin]

Monk: Natalie! What are you doing? That's a... it's a... death pillow!

---

[Monk has been buried alive.]

Stottlemeyer: All right, listen up! We figure he's got maybe forty minutes of air if he's not panicking... figure on fifteen minutes.

[edit] Mr. Monk Gets Cabin Fever [3.12]

Capt. Stottlemeyer: Monk... are you sure? I mean, are you really sure? And don't give me any of that "ninety-five percent" crap.

Monk: Captain, I am one hundred percent sure... that she probably killed him.

Capt. Stottlemeyer: What does that mean?

Monk: ...Ninety-five percent.

---

Monk: I happen to believe that all men are brothers. Every man's bent antenna... diminishes me.

Natalie: What are you talking about?

Monk: I don't know.

---

[In the woods]

Monk: We're lost, aren't we?

Natalie: We're not lost.

Stottlemeyer: We're not lost.

Monk: Oh, my God! WE'RE LOST!

---

[In the woods, Monk stumbles and grabs a tree to keep his balance.]

Monk: Ooh, I got nature, I got nature on my hand! [Natalie wipes off the dirt with a leaf] What are you doing? You can't clean nature with nature!

---

Monk and Disher: [simultaneously] Oh my God, I've got it! Here's what happened... [Monk and Disher start expaining what happened]

Officer: Which one are you listening to?

Stottlemeyer: Neither.

[edit] Mr. Monk Gets Stuck in Traffic [3.13]

[Monk is getting onto the Korn tour bus so Julie can use the restroom.]

Monk: They spelled "Korn" wrong!

---

Monk: I like your music. It's very... musical. But I wish I could understand more of the words.

---

Monk: I play the clarinet. Played with Willie Nelson.

---

Monk: [To a band member] I like your socks.

Band Member: They're not socks. [He pulls up his pant leg and uncovers a very large tattoo, and Monk covers his eyes and Julie's eyes.]

[edit] Mr. Monk Goes to Vegas [3.14]

Stottlemeyer: Where's my pants? Randy, where's my pants?

Disher: You threw 'em out the window.

Stottlemeyer: Why'd I do that?

Disher: One of the girls bet you a dollar you wouldn't.

Stottlemeyer: [taking a dollar out of the waistband of his boxer shorts] Looks like she paid up.

---

[Natalie effortlessly arranges special favors "because I'm cute".]

Monk: Boy! It's like you have superpowers.

Natalie: It's a gift.

Monk: And a curse?

Natalie: No, just a gift.

---

[In the private elevator, Monk throws a scarf around Natalie's neck.]

Natalie: What're you doing?

Monk: We're reenacting the crime. You're the victim.

Natalie: Wh-what if the elevator starts up?! It'll get caught again!

Monk: It's not going to get caught.

Natalie: W— Then you be the victim!

Monk: N-n-n-n-no! Uh, Sharona was always the victim.

Natalie: I'm sure she was.

...

Monk: We have a system! It's a good system. There's an old saying: Don't... change... anything... ever.

Natalie: That's an old saying?

Monk: I've been saying it for years.

---

Daniel Thorn: Virtue is not one of my virtues.

---

Stottlemeyer: So, that means if I'm drunk as a skunk, completely plastered, I'm as smart as you?

Monk: Smarter!

[edit] Mr. Monk and the Election [3.15]

[Natalie refuses to drop out of the school board race after a sniper attack, so Capt. Stottlemeyer sets up protection.]

Stottlemeyer: And I'm assigning you a bodyguard. Lieutenant...

[Stottlemeyer pins a "Vote Teeger" button on Disher's lapel.]

Stottlemeyer: ...thank you for volunteering.

Natalie: He's my bodyguard?!

Stottlemeyer: 24/7!

Natalie: I'm still not dropping out.

---

[Disher tests some lasagna Whitman brought in]

Disher: A little too much oregano, but it's not poisoned.

Whitman: That's what every cook likes to hear.

[edit] Mr. Monk and the Kid [3.16]

[Stottlemeyer and Monk discuss two-year-old Tommy's discovery of a severed finger.]

Monk: Where did he find it?

Stottlemeyer: The boy's not talking.

Monk: Maybe he hates cops.

Stottlemeyer: Maybe he's two years old.

---

[Monk is babysitting Tommy.]

Teresa Crane: Now... before I go, do you have any questions for me?

Monk: Yes, yes, I have a couple of questions. What does he eat?

Teresa Crane: He... eats food. He eats whatever you eat, only smaller portions.

Monk: Oh. So he's like a person.

---

[Monk calls 9-1-1 while babysitting Tommy.]

911 Operator: You mean, you've never changed a diaper?

Monk: Hurry!

911 Operator: Okay, sir. On the side of the diaper there should be two Velcro straps.

Monk: Okay, I've got the straps.

911 Operator: Now rip 'em open!

[sound of Velcro ripping]

Monk: Oh! Oooohh! Oh, my God! Oh, the humanity!

---

Natalie: Oh, my God! What is this? Why is he wearing a helmet?

Monk: To protect his head.

Natalie: It must be so uncomfortable.

Monk: Oh, he'll get used to it. I used to wear one all the time.

Natalie: Your parents made you wear a helmet?

Monk: No.

---

[Monk is babysitting Tommy.]

Natalie: Oh my gosh, look! He's separating his food!

Tommy: Me separating food!

[edit] Season 4

[edit] Mr. Monk and the Other Detective [4.01]

[A less-competent detective arrives at the crime scene with all the answers.]

Monk: He's cheating!

Stottlemeyer: Monk, this isn't the fourth grade.

Monk: He's cheating!

[edit] Mr. Monk Goes Home Again [4.02]

Mrs. Gilstrap: I have to have a Neptune bar every night or else I can't sleep. Funny, isn't it? I guess we all have our little quirks.

Monk: [Nonchanantly] Yes, I suppose we do...

[edit] Mr. Monk Stays in Bed [4.03]

[Natalie's cell phone rings]

Monk: Natalie, it's me, Adrian Monk.

Natalie: Yes, Mr. Monk, we were just talking about you.

Monk: Natalie, you have to come back here.

Natalie: I can't right now, Mr. Monk, I'm at the pizzeria talking to the manager.

Monk: It's Ebola.

Natalie: Excuse me?

Monk: I think I have the Ebola virus.

Natalie: No, Mr. Monk you do not have the Ebola virus.

Monk: I'm pretty sure I do, I have all the symptoms, I have the headache, the fever, the massive internal bleeding.

Natalie: You have massive internal bleeding?

Monk: Yes, I believe I do, that is my opinion.

---

[Monk is in bed and Natalie brings him some soup.]

Monk: I see letters!

Natalie: It's alphabet soup.

---

[While Monk's in bed Stottlemeyer visits him.]

Stottlemeyer: [pointing to machine] What's this?

Monk: Humidifier.

Stottlemeyer: [Pointing to other machine] And this?

Monk: De-humidifier.

[long pause]

Stottlemeyer: Well, don't they cancel each other out?

Monk: Exactly.

[edit] Mr. Monk Goes to the Office [4.04]

[Monk sees two police officers conversing at a crime scene.]

Monk: [to Natalie] They're talking about football. I have that one! Give me the cards.

Natalie: No, Mr. Monk, you don't need the cards.

Monk: Give me the cards.

[Natalie hands him the cards. Monk rummages through them.]

Monk: Let's see, weather, politics, movies, swear words...

Natalie: Swear words?

Monk: Here's football.

[He looks at the cards and approaches the officers.]

Monk: You guys are talking about the football game last night? The San Francisco 49ers lost 27 points to 21 points.

Police Officer #1: Yes, we know.

Monk: It was a hell of a fourth quarter, though. It was the turn-overs. They always comeback to haunt you.

Police Officer #2: Yeah, we were just saying Rattay can't handle the pressure. Why didn't they take him out?

[Monk thinks for a moment and goes back to the cards. He returns to the police officers.]

Monk: That's true about quarterback Tim Rattay. But don't forget, he won 4 out of the 5 last home games.

Police Officer #2: But they were in Houston, Monk.

[Long pause.]

Monk: You guys want to hear some swear words?

[edit] Mr. Monk Gets Drunk [4.05]

Monk: Isn't this great? Just two guys in a revolving restaurant...

---

Monk: You look like a moose. I think I'll call you... Mr Look-like-a-moose.

[edit] Mr. Monk and Mrs. Monk [4.06]

[Monk is in shock when faced with evidence that his wife Trudy faked her own death.]

Dr. Kroger: Adrian, I'm not going to believe anything until I hear it from you. Is Trudy alive?

Monk: I don't know. But if it's true, then nothing is true. If this is true, nothing is true.

---

Monk: I got her back. For an hour and a half. I thought she might be alive. I had hope. Isn't hope the worst?

[edit] Mr. Monk Goes to a Wedding [4.07]

Natalie: Stay away from our family. We have enough problems.

[edit] Mr. Monk and Little Monk [4.08]

Sherry: Adrian helped me out of a jam when we were young. Was that 30 years ago?

Monk: April 12, 1972.

Sherry: You remember?

Monk: I only remember the date... and what everybody wore, and what everybody said, and what everybody did.

---

Mrs. Monk: You'll thank me later.

---

Adrian: I love you, Mom.

[He opens his arms to hug her.]

Mrs. Monk: What are you doing?

Adrian: Right, sorry.

[He puts down one of his bags and gives her a brisk handshake.]

---

Natalie: What was he like? As a kid?

Sherry: Pretty much the same. Careful, smart... sad.

---

Mrs. Ledsky: Here, take this one. I made it with exactly ten chocolate chips, like you like.

Adrian: [bites the cookie] You're an excellent cook, Mrs. Ledsky.

Mrs. Ledsky: It's a gift... [hand to her stomach] And a curse.

[edit] Mr. Monk and the Secret Santa [4.09]

Julie: I've never seen the snow. Is it beautiful?

Monk: Oh, yes. It's beautiful. You know, no two snowflakes are alike... and it's still beautiful.

[edit] Mr. Monk Goes to a Fashion Show [4.10]

Natalie: [after Hodge insults her outfit] He did it.

Monk: Natalie, he's not even a suspect.

Natalie: Damn!

---

[Natalie, wearing a black dress and sunglasses, approaches Randy, who is standing with one foot on a rock, his elbow on his knee, and his head on his fist, gazing into the distance]

Natalie: What are you doing?

Disher: Standing. This is how I stand. What are you wearing?

Natalie: Clothes. This is how I dress.

Disher: This is how I stand.

Natalie: This is how I dress.

---

[Randy has taken to wearing expensive suits after Hodge complimented him on his looks]

Stottlemeyer: Where's your notebook?

Disher: Oh, I don't have one. It's an Italian suit, it was ruining the lining. But don't worry, [points to his head] I'll remember it.

. . .

[after Monk proves that an apparent suicide was murder]

Stottlemeyer: Okay! Lock this place down, this is now a homicide investigation! Fabio, borrow a notebook, borrow a pencil, and start going door to door!

---

Monk: Natalie! Don't eat the food back there: I just saw two of the models throwing up.

---

Julian Hodge: [to Natalie] So, it's true what they say, huh? You can never judge a person by how they dress.

Natalie: Well, let me tell you about what you're going to be wearing. I hope you like orange. It's a little jumpsuit thing, it has a number right here. You can wear it anywhere, really. Indoors, walking around the yard...

[edit] Mr. Monk Bumps His Head [4.11]

[Disher tells Natalie that Monk has been found in Wyoming, where a trucker dropped him off.]

Natalie: Are they sure it's really him?

Lt. Disher: The trucker gave him a five dollar bill, the guy kept smoothing it out.

Natalie: He's alive!

---

Monk: [surrounded by bees] Could you do me a favor? Could you kill me, please?

[edit] Mr. Monk and the Captain's Marriage [4.12]

[edit] Mr. Monk and the Big Reward [4.13]

[edit] Mr. Monk and the Astronaut [4.14]

Natalie: [after convincing an astronaut and Monk to speak at a school] I'm gonna be parent of the year!

---

Monk: I'm half-man, half-wuss. I'm a muss.

[edit] Mr. Monk Goes to the Dentist [4.15]

"Don't Need a Badge"

I'm tired of suckin' up.

I'm tired of suckin' up and workin' for The Man.

Keepin' people down 'cause the Law book says I can.

Cuff my brothers and sisters, oh, it's not the way to be.

But, Honey, those days are gone, 'cause, Baby, I am free.

Well, I don't need a badge to tell me wrong from right.

I don't need a badge to tell me day from night.

I don't need a badge 'cause my eyes can see.

I don't need a badge 'cause, Baby, I am free.

It's been a long, long time cleanin' up the streets.

Now Papa's got a new gig, he's got a brand new beat.

It's called rock 'n' roll, and, Baby, I hold the key.

This guitar here's my badge and music set me free.

Well, I don't need a badge to tell me wrong from right.

I don't need a badge to tell me day from night.

I don't need a badge 'cause my eyes can see.

I don't need a badge 'cause, Baby, I am free.

Well, I'm feelin' real fed up, so you'd better be aware.

I'm done with all your rules, 'cause, man, I ain't no square.

Music is my savior, with that you must agree.

This guitar here's my badge and music set me free.

I don't need a gun to make me feel strong.

I don't need a captain shootin' me down all day long.

I don't need your moustache, don't you condescend to me.

I don't need nobody 'cause, Baby, I am free.

This guitar here's my badge.

Rock 'n' roll set me free.

This guitar here's my badge.

You better not try to take it from me.

I don't need a gun to make me feel strong.

I don't need a captain shootin' me down all day long.

I don't need your moustache, don't you condescend to me.

I don't need nobody 'cause, Baby, I am free.

No, I don't need nobody 'cause, Baby, I am free.

[edit] Mr. Monk Gets Jury Duty [4.16]

[Monk is yelling out a window to Natalie who is standing by a dumpster where a dead woman was found]

Monk: Who is she?

Natalie: No I.D.

Monk: No idea?

Natalie: [a little louder] No I.D.

Monk: No idea?

Natalie: [louder] No... [points to eye] I... [makes the shape of a "D"] D!

Monk: ...No idea?

Disher: No I.D.!

Monk: No idea?

Disher: NO I.D.!!

Natalie: [screams, exasperated] NO I.D.!!!

[long pause]

Monk: ...No idea?

[edit] Season 5

[edit] Mr. Monk and the Actor [5.01]

[After being threatened by Ruskin, dressed as Monk, the real Monk shows up]

Leverett: What are you guys, some kind of cult?

---

Dr. Kroger: And they canceled the movie [about you]?

Monk: [Ruskin] said he wanted to play a character who wasn’t so dark and depressing. [pause] He’s in England playing Hamlet.

[edit] Mr. Monk and the Garbage Strike [5.02]

Monk: The people woke up at five this morning and couldn't go back to sleep because it smelled like a buffalo died in the people's closet.

---

Monk: We'll burn down the whole city - and start all over again! Rebuild it, clean it! And we can even straighten out Lombard Street while we're at it.

---

[Monk is driving a lone garbage truck through the city.]

Disher: He's like a vigilante. A garbage vigilante.

Stottlemeyer: You could say that. But don't.

---

Monk: It's no secret that rock stars collect antiques, especially antique chairs.

---

Monk: Now it's true that Alice Cooper is a hippie, but he's the bad kind! The kind that breaks into other people's offices, beats them up, shoots them in the head, and steals their antique chairs!

[edit] Mr. Monk and the Big Game [5.03]

[Trying to get Natalie to stand on his hands to look on top of a locker]

Monk: [Locks his hands] Up you go.

Natalie: What?

Monk: Take a look, check it out. Up you go.

Natalie: Up you go.

Monk: Up you go!

Natalie: Up you go!

Monk: Up you go!

Natalie: I'm just the assistant!

Monk: I believe the word "assist" is a very large part of the word "assistant." Right, "assist", from the Latin, meaning, "UP YOU GO!"

---

Principal Franklin: Oh yes, Mr. Monk. We met last year at the, uhh, career day. How have you been?

Monk: The same.

Principal Franklin: Well, I'm sorry to hear that.

---

Natalie: So you've never won anything in your whole life?

Monk: Once, at a birthday party, I won a game of musical chairs.

Natalie: Well, that's something.

Monk: But then I was disqualified. A mother said I went counter-clockwise, or something.

Natalie: Well, at least you got invited to the party!

Monk: It was my party, okay, it was my mother.

---

[Monk, Natalie, and Julie are putting all of Monk's "Case Trophies" on his mantle.]

Monk: I'm gonna need a bigger mantle. Natalie! I'm gonna need a bigger mantle!

Natalie: Your mother would be so proud.

Monk: Oh, no she wouldn't. But it's still nice of you to say.

[edit] Mr. Monk Can't See a Thing [5.04]

Monk: Natalie, are you... flying?

---

Monk: [His answering machine] Hello. This is Adrian... Monk. Thank you for calling my new answering machine. When you hear the beep noise, please speak into the telephone receiver and leave a message, which I will play back and listen to later. This is the end of the message, and here is the beep... I was talking about.

---

[Stottlemeyer and a still-blind Monk enter the morgue.]

Stottlemeyer: Hello? [no answer] Well, we've got the place to ourselves, so to speak.

Monk: Do you see him? Do you see Eddie Murdoch?

Stottlemeyer: No.

Monk: Well, what do you see?

Stottlemeyer: Uh, people, just sitting around bloated, not talking. Kind of like Thanksgiving at my ex-wife's house.

[edit] Mr. Monk, Private Eye [5.05]

Natalie: It took Grandpa Neville's business a whole year before it finally took off!

Monk: Not everyone feels the same way you do about Grandpa Neville. For example, I was just thinking about how fun it would be to dig up his body and poke it with a bi-i-ig stick.

Linda Fusco: [enters] Who's Grandpa Neville? And why are we poking him with a stick?

---

Disher: You're the number one realtor in Northern California.

Linda Fusco: Tell me something I don't know.

Stottlemeyer: The elephant is the only mammal that can't jump.

[pause]

Linda Fusco: Pardon me?

Stottlemeyer: You said tell you something you don't know and I told you that the only mammal who can't jump is your elephant.

---

Natalie: You can't swim?

Monk: To be honest, I don't know. I mean, I know how... all right, I took a correspondence course.

Natalie: You learned to swim by mail?

Monk: They sent me a little diploma! And, I've got this.

[He gives her a little card from his wallet.]

Natalie: "Swimming Fundamentals: Don't panic; Breathe normally; Flutter kicks..."

Monk: Can I have that back, please?

Natalie: Why would you even take the course? You never go in the water.

Monk: Hello, tsunamis?

---

[Before jumping off a boat to escape a killer, Monk quickly consults his card.]

Monk: "Don't panic" - forget that - "Breathe normally, flutter kicks..."

[jumps]

---

Stottlemeyer: Hey, there he is! There's Monk! Twenty degrees to port.

Disher: What's that next to him, is it a life preserver?

Stottlemeyer: Nah, it looks like a toilet seat.

Linda Fusco: Well, if it's floating, why doesn't he just grab it?

Stottlemeyer/Disher/Natalie: Uh...

[edit] Mr. Monk and the Class Reunion [5.06]

Natalie: Mr. Monk, why is your name on this spit-shield?

Monk: Well, when I was here, there was nothing protecting the food.

Natalie: So you donated all these? That was so generous of you!

Monk: Actually, it was more of a lawsuit. Took up a lot of my spare time.

---

[Monk remembers a woman using his back as a writing desk, and tries to remember what she wrote.]

Disher: Can he do that?

Natalie: It's how he met Trudy! It's his superpower!

[edit] Mr. Monk Gets a New Shrink [5.07]

[After taking a bullet for Dr. Kroger]

Krenshaw: Monk... Monk... Beat that!

[edit] Mr. Monk Goes to a Rock Concert [5.08]

[Disher is dancing around in his Chris Ketter shirt holding a beer.]

Captain Stottlemeyer: [Pointing to Monk] He's a cop, I'm a cop, [Pointing to Disher] and he's a cop.

Man: [Referring to Disher] He's a cop?

[edit] Mr. Monk Meets His Dad [5.09]

Holding Cell Inmate: What are you doing?

Jack Monk: I'm speed-reading.

Holding Cell Inmate: What's your rush?

Jack Monk: I'm old.

---

Holding Cell Cop: Jack Monk, your son is here.

[Jack stands up and sees Stottlemeyer]

Jack Monk: I'm looking at you, but I see your mother.

Stottlemeyer: Uh, no sir, I'm Captain Stottlemeyer. This is Adrian.

Jack Monk: [covering] That man looks just like your mother!

---

Jack Monk: What I want? Two things. A: forgive me. Forgive your father. I was negligent and I was selfish, and I'm very sorry. And B is: get me the hell outta Dodge. But if you can only do one, I'll take B. I gotta be in Phoenix in the morning.

---

Adrian Monk: He never loved me! He doesn't love anyone except maybe Jack, Jr.!

Natalie Teeger: Jack, Jr.?

Adrian Monk: His other son! He gave him a bike! I never got a bike!

Natalie Teeger: [aside] There's another brother!

Stottlemeyer/Disher: Whoa...

---

[Jack and Adrian's truck is careening down the hill, out of control.]

Jack Monk: I gotta say something: I'm sorry! I'm sorry I wasn't there for you and Ambrose! I'm so sorry! Oh, I'm a bad father! That's all that matters!

Adrian Monk: You're not a bad father, look at Jack, Jr.!

Jack Monk: He's a putz!

Adrian Monk: What?

Jack Monk: Actually, he's not even a putz! He dreams one day of becoming a putz! He lives downstairs in my basement, he smokes pot all day long, he steals money from my wallet!

Adrian Monk: He's not a doctor?

Jack Monk: No, I made it all up! I lied! I wanted to have a son I could be proud of! I didn't know I had one in San Francisco.

[edit] Mr. Monk and the Leper [5.10]

Monk: You know the old saying, "There's no heart so black as the black, black heart of the phony leper."

---

Monk: He's not even a real leper!

Julie: Is he a leper-con?

Monk: What?

Julie: [Giggles] Is he magically delicious?

---

Natalie: Julie, fill the bath tub with listerine!

---

[Julie is taking some french fries out of the oven]

Monk: No! Your mom said no junk food. I'm supposed to be babysitting you.

Julie: Mom said I was supposed to be watching you!

Monk: You are mistaken.

Julie: Are you getting paid?

Monk: Of course I am.

Julie: How much?

Monk: I think that is between me and your mother. Are you?

Julie: Eight-fifty an hour.

Monk: An hour? [Pause] I guess you're the boss.

---

[Monk is STILL scrubbing his hands the next morning]

Natalie: Mr. Monk! All you did was shake the man's hand!

Monk: You're right. This isn't enough.

Natalie: You've been washing your hands for six hours!

Monk: [Takes out a can of kerosene, pours it all over his hand, and throws Natalie a lighter] Light me. Light me on fire.

[edit] Mr. Monk Makes a Friend [5.11]

Julie: [Referring to Monk's new friend, Hal] I like him.

Natalie: Me, too. I wonder what he's up to.

[edit] Mr. Monk Is At Your Service [5.12]

[Monk is seen rearranging the table setting for the party in five days, with all the maids standing around him]

Monk: This one's crooked.

Maid: [hesitantly] It's two-thirty in the morning! The party isn't until Thursday!

[edit] Mr. Monk is On the Air [5.13]

[Monk lost control and attacked a shock radio host while on the air. Stottlemeyer and Disher were listening.]

Stottlemeyer: I was thinking, Number One, it sounded like you got a few good shots in, I was proud of you; and Number Two, he sounded scared. Scared and guilty.

[edit] Mr. Monk Visits a Farm [5.14]

[Monk is seen getting off the bus.]

Monk: [talking to the driver] Thank you for letting me keep my bags with me. [pause] Is this where I get the bus to go back?

Driver: NO! [quickly shuts door and speeds off]

---

Disher: Unless I'm wrong... which I probably am...

---

Monk: [referring to the farm] Look at all this dirt!

---

Sheriff Margie Butterfield: Loosen up! What are you afraid of?

Monk: Well... pretty long list.

[edit] Mr. Monk and the Really, Really Dead Guy [5.15]

Monk: It's enough to make me LOL... out loud.

---

[Julie is seen teaching Monk about computers.]

Julie: Okay, Mr. Monk, this is called a mouse.

Monk: I know that, I haven't been living in a cave.

Julie: And this is a mouse pad...

Monk: Wow! It is so smooth!

[edit] Mr. Monk Goes to the Hospital [5.16]

[A man is being pushed in on a stretcher, with bandages on his head]

Monk: HEY! I WAS HERE FIRST!

Receptionist: He has a head wound.

Monk: I have a head wound!

Receptionist: That is not a head wound, it's a nosebleed.

Monk: I happen to believe this very well might be a head wound.

[edit] Season 6

[edit] Mr. Monk and His Biggest Fan [6.1]

[Natalie tries to convince Monk to take place in an SFPD bachelor auction.]

Natalie: Don't you want to be a team player?

Monk: No.

Natalie: Don't you want to appear to be a team player?

Monk: Sure.

---

[Marci plays with dolls representing herself and Monk in a diorama of one of Monk's past cases.]

Marci: "Adrian. Should we call the Captain?" "Not yet, Marci. We need to gather more evidence. Natalie, get the car."

[Marci picks up a small yellow-haired doll and throws it across the diorama.]

Marci: [in falsetto] "On my way, Mr. Monk."

Natalie: Is that me? [Picks up the doll.] It's a troll doll.

Marci: Huh.

---

Marci: What do you think, Adrian?

Monk: I stopped thinking an hour and a half ago.

---

Monk: It's possible - there's a chance - she's not crazy. I mean, she's crazy, but she might not be wrong.

[Marci trots towards him with her arms spread.]

Monk: [shrinking away] Clue hug?

Natalie: Take it like a man.

---

[Marci's dead dog is being framed for a murder]

Marci: You're the detective, you figure it out! You do it all the time. The police have a theory and they think it's cut-and-dried, and then you come in and do your thing, like in "Mr. Monk and the Astronaut" or "Mr. Monk Goes Back to School" - oh, you remember that one?

Monk: No! Where are you getting these names?

---

Natalie: Marci, the police say the bite marks match up...

Marci: Yeah well, they're wrong! They make mistakes, you know? Maybe it was, I don't know, a frame-up.

Natalie: [giggles] They framed your dog?

Marci: [giggles sarcastically] Yeah, maybe they did frame my dog, Natalie! It's not totally unprecedented. What about "Mr. Monk and the Panic Room"? They tried to frame a monkey! See, things aren't always as they seem.

Monk: That's true...

---

Natalie: After all, you're only human.

Monk: There's no need for name-calling.

[edit] Mr. Monk and the Rapper [6.2]

Monk: What's up, killa?

---

Murderess: What is this, good cop, demented cop?

---

Monk: Let me give you the 4-1-1—that's the information.

[edit] Mr. Monk and the Naked Man [6.3]

Magneri: He threatened me once – at a zoning meeting. Hit me with a microphone.

Monk: He’s a nudist! That's what they do, they... they hit people with microphones.

---

Arlene: You don't have any...

Natalie: Proof? We found this. It was behind the toilet.

Monk: [grimaces] Behind your toilet!

[edit] Mr. Monk and the Bad Girlfriend [6.4]

Natalie: Randy, what we're about to tell you is absolutely confidential; you cannot repeat it to anybody.

Disher: Are you in love with me?

Natalie: What? No!

[edit] Mr. Monk and the Birds and the Bees [6.5]

Monk: Why would he wipe his feet?

Disher: You wiped your feet.

Monk: But I'm me, that doesn't count.

---

[Natalie is begging Monk to give Julie "the talk"]

Monk: When it comes to this particular issue, I am probably the least qualified person in North America...

Natalie: That's what makes you perfect! You waited for Trudy, you were faithful, you respected her! You're a wonderful role model.

Monk: Huh?

Natalie: ...in this particular case.

---

[Monk is giving Julie "the talk"]

Julie: How do you know if what you're feeling is real?

...

Monk: I used to wonder the same thing. And when I met Trudy, I said to myself, "now I see. Now I see why I'm here."

Julie: Was it wonderful?

Monk: Yes. I loved falling in love with her. Every morning of every day, I fell in love with her again. I think what your mother has been trying to tell you is, don't worry. All your dreams will come true. But they don't have to come true this weekend, right? You can take your time. You can wait...

Julie: Until I find Trudy?

Monk: Just wait for Trudy. Believe in Trudy. Trudy will come.

---

Natalie: Tim, I've been waiting a long time to say this: Here's what happened...

[edit] Mr. Monk and the Buried Treasure [6.6]

[One of Troy Kroger's teenaged friends is admiring Natalie]

Ridley: How old do you think she is?

Troy: 34, maybe?

Ridley: That's twice my age.

Pez: So, when you're 60, she'll be 120!

[Both Troy and Ridley stare at Pez.]

[edit] Mr. Monk and the Daredevil [6.7]

[edit] Mr. Monk and the Wrong Man [6.8]

[edit] Mr. Monk Is Up All Night [6.9]

[edit] Mr. Monk and the Man Who Shot Santa Claus [6.10]

Monk: Oh, I hate Christmas.

Julie: How can you not like Christmas?

Monk: Well, you wouldn't like it either, if you hated it as much as I did.

Julie: But it's so joyful!

Monk: Don't get me started on joy. When you're older you'll understand. Joy is a trick, a diversion. It doesn't last forever. It breaks your heart every time. [honks the horn and yells out the window] DAMN JOY!

---

Monk: Mr. Kringle, are you on drugs?!?

---

Monk: [referring to why Santa Claus did not leave fingerprints] He was wearing gloves! Santa Claus gloves!

---

Monk: [trying to tell his side of the story] I can be as offensive as your father.

Natalie: I'm sure you can.

---

Dr. Kroger: So, before Trudy, what was Christmas like for you?

Monk: Bleak... depressing... the pain was unrelenting, thank you for asking.

Dr. Kroger: Adrian, they can't all have been that bad.

Monk: Pick a year.

Dr. Kroger: Uh... 1964.

Monk: 1964, good choice. 1964... Mom was sick. Dad was... Dad was Dad. Ambrose locked himself in the basement, he's no fool. That Christmas I got one present - a walkie talkie.

Dr. Kroger: [being positive] Well, those can be fun. I had a pair of walkie talkies once...

Monk: Not a pair. One walkie talkie. Dad said I only needed one because I had no friends.

[edit] Mr. Monk Joins a Cult [6.11]

Stottlemeyer: She became a member of the world's oldest profession.

Monk: Stone mason, huh?

Stottlemeyer: No. Prostitute.

---

Monk: We sure showed him.

Natalie: Yeah, we did.

Monk: Oh, God! Did you remember to cancel that check?

Natalie: Yes.

Monk: We sure showed him.

Natalie: Yeah, we did.

---

Randy: [holding the Siblings of the Sun book] Monk, have you even read this thing?

Monk: Have you?

[Dr Kroger enters to find Randy shirtless and singing the cult's song with Monk.]

---

Monk: [about Father] I love him. He taught me what love really means.

Dr. Kroger: You used to say that about Trudy, Adrian. What do you think she'd say if she were here?

[edit] Mr. Monk Goes to the Bank [6.12]

[Monk is sitting on the floor in a locked bank vault.]

Monk: I'm gonna die, right here.

Natalie: No, you are not!

Monk: You're right. [stands up and points] I'm gonna die over there. I call this spot. The rest of you can die somewhere else.

Stottlemeyer: That's it. Monk is no longer the morale officer.

[edit] Mr. Monk and the Three Julies [6.13]

Stottlemeyer: What the hell happened? It was only two miles.

Natalie: I took a short cut. I cut across the creek.

Stottlemeyer: There's no bridge across the creek.

Natalie: I know.

Stottlemeyer: But there's no bridge across the creek.

Natalie: I know.

Stottlemeyer: But there's no bridge across the creek!

Natalie: I'm sorry.

---

Monk: At least I never dug Trudy up and had her stuffed and mounted, right?

Dr. Kroger: Yes, and I've always been very proud of you for that.

---

Natalie: Randy, I need to ask a favor...

Disher: The answer is yes.

Natalie: I need a gun.

Disher: The answer is no.

---

Disher: What if he has a knife?

Stottlemeyer: He's right. We need a signal, a code phrase.

Disher: How about, "Mother of God, he has a knife!"

---

Julie: You were a child once, right?

Monk: Very briefly.

[edit] Mr. Monk Paints his Masterpiece [6.14]

[Monk is painting in Natalie's living room, with all her furniture and stuff gone.]

Natalie: Mr. Monk, where is my stuff?

Monk: Outside.

Natalie: What if it rains?

Monk: Then it'll get wet!

Natalie: Mr. Monk, explain to me why my curtains are gone.

Monk: I needed the light! The eastern light!

---

Natalie: I did some research on your art friend, Mr. Monk, and nothing came up.

Monk: But he's... rich! Rich people are ungooglable!

[edit] Mr. Monk is on the Run, Part 1 [6.15]

Monk's Lawyer: I would also like to point out that, even if he wanted to flee, my client doesn't drive. He also has an obsessive fear of airplanes... and boats... and trucks... and trains.

---

Judge: Bail is set at $900,000.

[Monk whispers to his lawyer]

Monk's Lawyer: Uh... with the Court's permission, could you make it an even million?

Stottlemeyer: Oh, my God!

---

Monk: He broke into my house before the shooting...

Stottlemeyer: And raided your refrigerator?

[edit] Mr. Monk is on the Run, Part 2 [6.16]

Monk: Hey, thanks. Thanks for killing me.

Stottlemeyer: Hey, that's what friends are for.

---

Dale "The Whale" Biederbeck: [to his manicurist] I've been dreaming about you. Have you ever dreamed about me?

Manicurist: Sometimes.

Dale "The Whale" Biederbeck: I wonder if we've been having the same dream?

Manicurist: I doubt it.

---

Natalie: He kept saying that, he kept talking about trading places with you. He thinks he's getting out.

Monk: Well, if he's planning on squeezing through the bars, he's got 400 pounds to go.

---

Dale "The Whale" Biederbeck: Are you having fun?

Monk: No... but it's as close as I'm ever gonna get.

---

Dale "The Whale" Biederbeck: It's true, Adrian Monk! I'm in prison! But you're in a worse prison! You're trapped! Trapped by your own demons! You're in your own private hell! I wouldn't trade places with you for a billion dollars! I mean, another billion dollars!

[Monk and Natalie walk away]

Dale "The Whale" Biederbeck: You hear me?! Come back here! I'm-not-done!

Monk: Oh, yes you are.

[edit] Season 7

[edit] Mr. Monk Buys a House [7.01]

[In the waiting room of Monk's new therapist]

Natalie: Oh, look! His first name is Neven: N-e-v-e-n. It's a palindrome. That's a good sign!

Monk: It's not a perfect palindrome. The first N is capitalized.

Natalie: Dr. Kroger's name was Charles. That wasn't a palindrome.

Monk: It was to me!

---

[Jake the repairman is inspecting Monk's new house]

"Honest" Jake: This is a fire trap. OK, we're gonna have to run a new line to here. We're gonna have to go through that wall, feed it up over here...

Monk: W-w-wait, wait. I love that wall. That's... that's my third favorite wall.

---

"Honest Jake": [holding a gun] I've got something to confess... I'm not so honest.

---

Monk: You didn't know me before I met Dr Kroger. I—I was a little messed up.

[edit] Mr. Monk and the Genius [7.02]

Patrick Clauster: Congratulations, Mr. Monk. You play a brilliant end game.

Monk: You know, I'm tired of all these chess metaphors, Patrick. These were two real people, not chess pieces. I think they deserve a little more respect. [starts to walk away, then turns back] Although if you insist, checkmate.

[edit] Mr. Monk Gets Lotto Fever [7.03]

[edit] Mr. Monk Takes a Punch [7.04]

Ray Regis: I've heard of him. He's the best, isn't he?

Lt. Disher: Oh, yeah. Like a superhero.

Stottlemeyer: He's good, but I wouldn't call him a superhero.

[Monk enters, wearing his purple jogging suit and headband, and stands with his fists on his hips]

Stottlemeyer: I stand corrected.

---

Stottlemeyer: Monk, you're not going on welfare. If you go on welfare, I will shoot you.

Monk: Good. I'll get more money, won't I?

---

[The police have just arrested MacGraw for attempted murder to protect his collection of stolen art]

Lt. Disher: You should have just kept them in the basement.

Daniel MacGraw: It's great art, Lieutenant, it's meant to be savored. I had no idea my bride would invite a TV crew into my house while I was out of the country.

Stottlemeyer: So she didn't know it was stolen?

Daniel MacGraw: In hindsight, maybe that's something I should have mentioned.

---

Mr. Monk: I am the beast!

[edit] Mr. Monk is Underwater [7.05]

Monk: We're going down! I mean, down more.

---

Monk: Nobody's shaking hands, everybody's saluting! Maybe I should enlist.

Natalie: No, Mr. Monk, please don't enlist. Don't even joke about it.

Monk: Why not?

Natalie: Because I love America.

---

Monk: I'm pretty sure he killed himself.

Natalie: How'd you know?

Monk: I've been on board for fifteen seconds and I'm suicidal.

---

Monk: Oh God, Natalie, I've got ocean... in my pants!

[edit] Mr. Monk Falls in Love [7.06]

[edit] Mr. Monk's 100th Case [7.07]

Ralph "Father" Roberts: Do I remember Adrian Monk? That's like asking the Titanic if it remembers the iceberg.

[edit] Mr. Monk Gets Hypnotized [7.08]

[edit] Mr. Monk and the Miracle [7.09]

[edit] Mr. Monk's Other Brother [7.10]

[Monk has caught an escaped convict hiding in his apartment. Unable to get his pistol lockbox open in time, he just hits the convict over the head with it, and grabs the phone with his other hand.]

Adrian Monk: Don't move! There's a gun in here!

"Joe Endicott": Adrian, wait! Who are you calling?

Monk: Who do you think?

Joe: No, wait! You don't want to do that! Put down the phone, and—and the "gun"!

Monk: Oh, yeah? Give me one good reason.

Jack Monk, Jr.: I'M YOUR BROTHER!

---

Stottlemeyer: Are you crying?

Jack Monk, Jr.: Yeah, a little. I mean, how would you feel if your pen pal thought you were a prowler?

[edit] Mr. Monk On Wheels [7.11]

Monk: It's a square tomato! You're doing the Lord's work!

---

[Monk is using one of the lab's square tomatoes for a sandwich]

Monk: [in bliss] I can taste the symmetry!

[edit] Mr. Monk And The Lady Next Door [7.12]

[edit] Mr. Monk Makes The Playoffs [7.13]

[edit] Mr. Monk And The Bully [7.14]

[edit] Mr. Monk And The Magician [7.15]

[edit] Mr. Monk Fights City Hall [7.16]

[edit] Season 8

[edit] Mr. Monk's Favorite Show [8.1]

Assistant: It's $1000 per week.

Monk: Okay, but I can't pay it all at once.

[edit] Mr. Monk and the Foreign Man [8.2]

Samuel Waingaya: Can you reach into my pants?

[Long pause]

Monk: Yes...

[edit] Mr. Monk and the UFO [8.3]

Monk: You win, dirt.

[edit] Mr. Monk is Someone Else [8.4]

[While Monk is masquerading as a mob hit man]

Harold Krenshaw: Adrian! Adrian!

Monk: Do I look like an Adrian to you?

[edit] Mr. Monk Takes the Stand [8.5]

[edit] Mr. Monk and the Critic [8.6]

[Monk sees the immaculately clean men's room at the theater, complete with attendant.]

Monk: This is the men's room?

Mr. Gilson: Mmm-hmm.

Monk: How long has this been going on?

---

Monk: I just went to the bathroom.

Natalie: [astonished] What, here? Wow! Congratulations, Mr. Monk, I'm proud of you. How was it?

Monk: It was magical.

---

Natalie: He did it! I don't know how he did it, but he did it.

Disher: [points to Monk] That's what he always says.

[edit] Mr. Monk and the Voodoo Curse [8.7]

Stottlemeyer: So you're the level-headed brave one now?

---

Monk: We live in the real world. It is governed by science, physics, laws of nature. There is always, always a non-Voodoo explanation for everything.

[edit] Mr. Monk Goes to Group Therapy [8.8]

Disher: He's killing people according to their phobias. This guy was afraid of heights, so he pushed him off the roof.

Monk: Augie wasn't afraid of heights. He was afraid of spiders.

Disher: That's different. He's killing people using the opposite of their phobias. The opposite killer.

Stottlemeyer: So you're saying the opposite of a spider is a tall building?

---

Disher: It's him. The Opposite Killer. That's his M.O.

Stottlemeyer: There is no Opposite Killer! If there was, you would have been killed by a falling rocket scientist years ago!

---

Harold Krenshaw: Here's what happened...

[edit] Happy Birthday, Mr. Monk [8.9]

[edit] Mr. Monk and Sharona [8.10]

[edit] Mr. Monk Goes Camping [8.11]

Natalie: It's not too late to back out.

Monk: Oh no, I am doing this, I am playing the game.

Natalie: Well, at least try to have some fun.

Monk: Natalie, it's a game; it's not supposed to be fun.

[edit] Mr. Monk and the Dog [8.12]

[At Natalie's family reunion picnic.]

Anne Marie: Are you my uncle?

Adrian Monk: No, no. I'm your Aunt Natalie's boss.

Anne Marie: Really? Do you know her other boss? The crazy one?

Adrian Monk: ...Yes. I've met him once or twice.

[edit] Mr. Monk Is the Best Man [8.13]

Stottlemeyer: Whoever this guy is, he's ruining my life.

Disher: Well, that's supposed to be my job.

Stottlemeyer: Exactly.

---

[Joy, a bubbly flower shop owner, matches Natalie and Randy with their "floral soulmates," then turns to Monk.]

Joy: I found it. This... is your flower.

Natalie: It's plastic.

Joy: Mmm-hmm.

[Monk takes a sniff of the "flower."]

Monk: I love it.

---

[Stottlemeyer's fiancee has called off the wedding.]

Stottlemeyer: Monk... it's over.

Monk: Well, I'm not giving up! It's going to work out! You love her, you need her. She's your answer.

Stottlemeyer: She's my answer... where did you hear that?

Monk: Trudy used to say it... my Trudy.

[edit] Mr. Monk and the Badge [8.14]

[edit] Mr. Monk and the End (Part One) [8.15]

Trudy Monk: It won't be much longer...

---

Doctor: [to Monk] Someone is trying to kill you. And they may have succeeded.

---

Judge: His name is Adrian Monk. He'll put two and two together eventually and this case, two and two equals me. It would get rather personal. He'd come after me, try to kill me. He'd probably succeed. Because... twelve years ago, I killed his wife.

[edit] Mr. Monk and the End (Part Two) [8.16]

Ethan Rickover: Take care of her!

---

Molly Evans: I am in your life. I'm not going anywhere.

---

Ethan Rickover: You're going to kill a federal judge?

Monk: Tonight, I'm the judge!

---

Monk: I'm here because you killed my wife.

[edit] Recurring quotes

Monk: It's a gift... and a curse.

Monk: You'll thank me later.

Monk: Unless I'm wrong, which, you know, I'm not...

Monk: Wipe.

Monk: I don't know how he did it. But he did it.

Monk: I just solved the case.

Monk: He's the guy.

Monk: I know how he did it.

Monk: Here's the thing...

Monk: Here's what happened...

Monk: That's what this whole thing has been about.

Monk: That doesn't make much sense. Hardly any, in fact.

Monk: We've been looking at this all wrong.

Monk: What are the odds of that?

Various characters: You can't prove any of this.

[edit] Cast

• Tony Shalhoub - Adrian Monk
• Traylor Howard - Natalie Teeger
• Ted Levine - Captain Leland Stottlemeyer
• Jason Gray-Stanford - Lt. Randall Disher
• Bitty Schram - Sharona Fleming

[edit] External links

• Monk quotes at the Internet Movie Database
• Monk at TV.com
• USA Network: Monk