Mystery, Alaska is a 1999 comedy-drama film directed by Jay Roach and starring Russell Crowe, Hank Azaria, Mary McCormick, Lolita Davidovich, Ron Eldard, Colm Meany, Maury Chaykin and Burt Reynolds about a fictional small-town ice hockey team that plays a game against the New York Rangers of the National Hockey League.
- Matt: I play hockey and I fornicate, because those are the two most fun things to do in cold weather.
- Donnie: This is hockey, okay? It's not rocket surgery.
- Sarah: Mother walrus going "Thwap, thwap, thwap"?
- Matt: What?
- Sarah: You want to hear a "Thwap"?
[Heinz hits Skank with a shovel]
[Mr. Walsh is shot]
- John: You okay?
- Mr. Walsh: No, I'm not okay! Do I look okay? The fucker shot me! What the fuck-ass fuck of a bum-fuck shithole town is this? I make a business call. I give him my card. And the hick-ass fucker shoots my foot off! Cock-fucking shit!
- Janice: It's a Rockwellian Christmas up here. Skating. Barbecues. Snow. We're here with defenseman Matt Marden, and... cut!
- Charles: What?
- Janice: I can't feel my fingers.
- Matt: You need to rub them on a nice, warm Yuletide log.
- Janice: I beg your pardon?
- Matt: Look, Christmas is a lonely day for a guy to be choking his own chicken. And as women reporters go, I find you supple.
- Janice: Oh, that was lovely. It's a shame we weren't rolling for that.
- Charles: I'm sure he'd be happy to repeat it.
- Matt: [laughing] You need to relax!
- Janice: Charles!
- Matt: Do you like massages?
[Skank leans over, bursting into laughter again]
- Donnie: Hey, you know where a guy can get a rub and a tug around here?
- Stevie: I'm a premature ejaculator.
- Reporter: Did you see your daddy out there?
- Joey: I have a toy pony, he takes big shits.
- Bailey: [questioning a witness in court] You don't like our little town very much. Do you, Mr. Walsh?
- Mr. Walsh: I have nothing against your town, Mr. Pruitt.
- Bailey: Did you say, "What the fuck-ass fuck of a bum-fuck shithole town is this?"
[John is jealous after seeing his wife and Charles Danner laughing together in the stands, while John was busy trying to coach the team. Donna doesn't understand why he's upset]
- Donna: John?
- John: You've been smiling a lot lately.
- Donna: [smiling, still puzzled] Excuse me?
- John: Ever since he came back, Charlie. You been smiling a little more.
- Donna: [finally understanding] John, that was high school.
[he walks a few steps, kicking the snow to reveal the frozen pond below. Then he kicks at the ice again and speaks metaphorically]
- John: This is not a pond!
- Scott: And we're getting a Zamboni, Donna.
- Donna: A Zamboni? Wow, I'm getting wet just thinking about it.
- Scott: Jesus Christ!
- Donna: Every ex-player turned coach says that they prefer coaching over playing. Why would they all say that?
- John: Because they can't play.
- Walter: Hi, what's wrong.
- Joanne: Uh, Walter, get out. This is private.
- Walter: I'm entitled to know what's going on under this roof. After all, I am the father of this child...
- Joanne: Walter, if you don't leave, I *swear* I'll tell you.
- Walter: [pause] Right.