Outnumbered

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Outnumbered

Outnumbered is a British Comedy Award winning and BAFTA nominated British sitcom that has aired on BBC One since 2007. It stars Hugh Dennis, Claire Skinner, Tyger Drew-Honey, Daniel Roche and Ramona Marquez.

[edit] Series 1

[edit] [1.1]

Sue Oh no, you're not scratching your head again. It's not nits is it? (checks, grimaces) God. No you're fine.

Sue: It's my fault, Veronica. I should never have shown Ben how to reply to an email.

Pete: So Ben sent an email pretending to be you?

Karen: Mum!

Sue: Well actually -

Karen: Mum!

Sue: She's got nits. I'm halfway through.

Pete: Oh God, it's these parents isn't it? They know their kids have got them and they just merrily pack them off to school.

Sue: (grimacing guiltily) I know.

Sue: You can't play with a nit, can you?

Karen: You can. You can play, like, I-Spy.

Karen: (about fairies) They can fly down your throat and turn your heart into a pumpkin then your blood stops running and then you die.

Pete: Ah, the old "what I did in the holidays" composition. I don't think our English department does that. I don't think Year Sevens know how to spell car-jacking.

Pete: I don't believe it! Melanie Watts has confused Queen Elizabeth I with Queen Elizabeth II. She must have typed the wrong queen number into Google. Hmm. The Virgin Queen now has four children apparently. One of them's a helicopter pilot.

Karen: What's a hypocrite?

Pete: Um. Well, if said to you "You mustn't eat all the cake!" and then I ate all the cake myself I'd be a hypocrite.

Pete: Oh no. You're not checking your email.

Sue: There's one from Veronica.

Pete: Especially not one from Veronica.

Sue: Oh no, Veronica. No. I am not having that.

Pete: No, don't reply. That's fatal because then she'll reply and then you'll be tempted to reply to her reply and then you'll get caught up in that Pandora's... circle.

[edit] [1.2]

Sue: I know, lets play fortunately/unfortunately! I'll start. Fortunately, the sun was shining.

Ben: Unfortunately, I don't like burgers.

Sue: You said you liked burgers!

Ben: When did I say that?

Sue: When you wouldn't eat your fish. I mean what do you like?

Ben: Pudding!

Sue: Now, you can't eat just puddings!

Ben: You can if you're a vegetarian.

Sue: Vegetarians eat up all their vegetables. The clue is in the word.

Dion: You're germs from a fly.

Sue: I've never been so insulted.

Karen: You're hair!

Jake: You're stinky brain juice, from a diseased cave troll.

Sue: You are a dead warthog's burp.

Ben: You're elephant poo that's stinky and yucky.

Sue: All right, enough of the poo jokes. Enough of the poo jokes!

Pete: You could do with Ramadan lasting all year round, couldn't you Kamal?

Sue: Is she eating?

Pete: She keeps banging on about how that's not her bowl.

Sue: It's not her bowl, because I broke her bowl this morning and had to drive all the way to Ikea to get her one that's identical but it IS identical.

Pete: Then how does she know it's not her bowl?

Sue: I dunno. She must have powers.

Ben: (Sue has tried to use the example of the boy who cried wolf to get Ben to stop fibbing) If you're going to talk to me about lying, there are no wolves around here. We're in London, don't forget.

Pete: What's that down there?

Sue: Where?

Pete: There.

Sue: (sighs) Ben's dinner. Oh, he's good.

Angela: Karen, this is for you. It's a dream catcher. It's made by the native Americans and it catches all your dreams and keeps them safe forever.

Karen: I had a dream about weasels eating me last night and I don't want that one again.

[edit] [1.3]

When Sue and the kids are playing The Lying Game in the car.

Karen: I like Auntie Angela.

Sue: That's lovely sweetheart. Erm, anyway, let's get on with the game.

Karen: That was part of the game.

Sue: Can you climb over and help him?

Angela: Help him... how?

Sue: Well, hold it.

Angela: Hold what?

Sue: The box, otherwise it'll go everywhere!

Ben: I'm not weeing in a box!

Karen: She must know she's fat, 'cos if she looks in the bathroom mirror and then she sees a fat lady...

Karen: When you die, do you think you'll get dug up by foxes? 'Cos that's what happened to my hamster.

Karen: What does it feel like to be old? Is it nice?

Granddad: Beats being dead.

[edit] [1.4]

Pete: How’s school?

Jake: It’s school.

Pete: It was cool?

Jake: It was school. School’s school! Jesus!

Ben: We could be beat by a bunch of potatoes. I should be captain!

Pete: What, for your team building qualities?

Pete: …after that it’s break out the champagne and oysters, and put the rose petals on the bed.

Sue: Pete, stop it. You sound like Leslie Philips.

Steven: I’m Rory’s dad – Steven. Ben’s told us all about you. He’s quite a kid, isn’t he?

Pete: Yes, he’s quite a kid.

Steven: He’s told us all about you.

Pete: Has he?

Steven: Oh yes, he’s obviously very proud. So tell me, what’s Gordon Brown really like?

[edit] [1.5]

Karen: (sees Angela crying) Has granddad died?

[edit] [1.6]

Ben: Can I watch Little Britain?

Pete: Have a guess.

Ben: Yes.

Pete: Have another guess.

Sue: Angela? It wasn't organic chicken.

Sue: So will you tell Dad you're leaving?

Angela: Of course I will.

Sue: So I'll be round there tomorrow night explaining why you're not coming back.

Jake: Do dinner parties always end like that?

Pete: The ones when your Auntie Angela is invited do.

Sue: Ben and eggs. Why?

Sue: He got…. the big kid to beat him up.

Pete: Yeah.

Sue: We can’t condone that!

Pete: No, we can’t condone that, no. It’s resourceful though, isn’t it?

Sue: …but wrong.

Pete: Well it’s wrong, yeah. It’s very wrong. Mind you, that kid Preston, he had it coming though, didn’t he.

Sue: Pete, it’s wrong. You can’t meet violence with violence.

Pete: Not often, no. Okay, never. Rarely.

Sue: (to Pete, about Angela) She, is buggering off back to America!

Pete: Now, we gathered that. We gathered quite a lot of things!

Angela: You are a mean, small minded, suburban bitch!

Sue: It’s better than a menopausal, hippie chick bitch!

Sue: Angela, you have a choice, You can either come into the kitchen and help me with sauce, or you can help me with the sauce out here in front of everyone.

Pete: (to Angela)Looks like you’re the sauce lady.

Angela: What part of India are you from?

Ravi: Pakistan.

[edit] Series 2

[edit] [2.1]

Pete: You should never, ever hit a person!

Ben: What if they're attacking you with a shovel? You must be able to hit them.

Karen: You're not supposed to upset me on my big day.

Sue: Well strickly speaking, Karen, it's cousin Julie's big day, isn't it?

Karen: I wish everybody would stop saying that!

Ben: (when Karen is stuck in the bathroom) You could put beavers through the window and they'd eat the door.

Pete: Look, can we please stop with these stupid suggestions about beavers?

Sue: There is no point in panicking.

Pete: I'm not panicking. We're not gonna be late! I will deal with it. And I will deal with it in a calm and measured way.

Jake: (on the way to the wedding) How much will it cost to replace that door?

Pete: Look, I got us here on time, didn't I? Sometimes drastic situations require drastic measures.

Jake: So how's your shoulder?

Pete: Fine.

Jake: And your foot?

Pete: Yes!

Jake: And your -

Pete: Look, can we just -

Julie: So girls, how do I look?

Karen: You look beautiful.

Julie: Thank you, Karen.

Mary: Do I look beautiful?

Karen: You look okay...

Ben: Why has Jesus got that sad expression on his face?

Sue: Well, he's being - crucified, and it's making him feel sad.

Ben: He's got nails in his hands, he should be going: "Aaaaargh!"

Sue: Ben, shush!

Ben: Well, he should. Stroppy old Jesus.

Sue: You mustn't arm wrestle this little girl cos she only looks about three.

Girl: Four!

Sue: She's four.

Pete: You are not allergic to peas. No one's allergic to peas. No one in the world is allergic to peas!

Karen: How do you know, because you - you haven't asked the people and - even if you did, I know you'd be lying because you can't speak Indian, you can't speak Japanese, you can't speak - you can't speak Australian or any of that!

[edit] [2.2]

Karen: (playing with stuffed toys) Taking the beeping beep! I've seen better souffle up your beeping beep BEEP!

Karen: See you next beeping beeping Thursday! Good BEEPING bye!

Karen: Next up is Nigella! Ooo-eee-aaa-eee, slurpy, scurpy, lovely, bubbly, scrummy, tasty, masty, slurpy burpy...

Sue: They didn't say anything on their website about it being flat packed!

Jake: Is some furniture not flat packed, then?

Pete: Can't have mice in the house, can you?

Karen: Why not?

Pete: Well, because they're dirty and they smell.

Karen: So does Ben.

Pete: But they run around the house and they poo everywhere.

Karen: So does Ben.

Ben: That's not fair. I had diarrhoea.

Karen: But you got it all over that man's shoes.

Pete: Yeah they really should have toilets on the Milennium Wheel. god that was a long half hour.

Karen: What is a motherfudger?

Ben: It's a mother that's made of fudge and you can eat them.

Karen: Brethrens, we are gathered here in the bosom of Jesus to say goodbye to this, to this mouse, killed before its time. We have given it cheese and bread for its journey to heaven, or at least if it goes to hell, it’ll have cheese on toast. Next up is the pope- Dust to dust, for richer or for poorer, in sickness or in health, may the force be with you, because you’re worth it, amen and out. Thank you Pope.

[edit] [2.3]

Sue: It's six-twenty five! How come they actually wake up early on the weekend?

Jake: (while the family is playing board games) Fat, gold guy.

Pete: Goldfinger. David Dickinson.

Jake: He's like a god.

Pete: Who is he?

Jake: Buddha.

Pete: The divine inspiration for hundreds of millions of people...fat, gold guy?

[edit] [2.4]

Sue: So that's five hours in an airport with kids! That's five weeks in normal time!

Pete: You got yourself a coffee?

Jake: Yeah. Double espresso.

Pete: A double espresso?

Jake: Well, you're one who's telling me to like, try new things all the time.

Pete: Yeah but I meant vegetables and stuff, not stimulants, you've never had caffeine before, I -

Jake: Don't get in a state. I only drank half of it.

Pete: Oh. Okay.

Jake: Ben drank the other half.

Pete: (pauses) You let Ben drink a double espresso??

Ben: It tasted horrible to begin with, but then I added five spoonfuls of sugar and now I feel all zingy zangy zongy!

Pete: Zingy. Zangy. Zongy.

Ben: I feel like lightning!

Pete: Oh my god.

Pete: Did you know he had the knife?

Sue: No, I didn't know he had the knife. Or the fish skeleton. Or the doll's head with the little hermit crab in it.

[edit] [2.5]

Karen: Can I go to Daisy’s sleepover?

Pete: No.

Karen: But why?

Pete: Because sleepovers are the invention of the devil.

Karen: But you let me go to Alexa’s sleepover…

Pete: Yes. And you watched The Hills Have Eyes and you didn’t sleep for six months. And then, when we drove to Bristol, you said the Cotswolds were staring at you.

Karen: But you always go out.

Pete: We haven’t been out for… *thinks* Nine months!

Karen: You went out that time not long ago…

Pete: To your parent’s evening.

Karen: Yes, but when you came in you smelled like pub.

Draxi: Looks like buffalo. Very strong, very cool! Is this what girl at school say? (Ben nods) You no worry Ben, she is bitch!

Karen: One time I woke up and I only had four fingers like the Simpsons, and I went into Ben's room and he had - he had my finger sellotaped on, so he had - (counts quickly under her breath) he had six fingers all in one hand.

Pete: Are you sure that's a dream? That does sound like something Ben might do.

[edit] [2.6]

Granddad: (flipping through television channels) This is crap. So's that. That really IS crap! Good God Almighty! What's that woman doing? Why is she staring at the contents of that bloke's toilet?

Jake: That's Dr. Gillian McKeith, granddad.

Granddad: Eh?

Jake: That's what she does. She looks down other people's toilets.

Pete: We need to talk to Granddad about grown-up stuff.

Karen: Is it about how to make a baby?

Granddad: Who's your favourite Beatle?

Ben: Ringo Starr.

Granddad: Why?

Ben: He's called Ringo Starr!

[edit] [2.7]

Karen: How can you not like somebody you've never met?

Sue: Good point, Karen.

Karen: Yes, you should only hate people you know.

Sue: Ye... er...

Karen: Like Miss Braybrook.

Sue: But you love Miss Braybrook! She's the reason you're Christian!

Karen: Not any more, that's all rubbish.

Pete: Rubbish is a bit harsh.

Karen: I don't believe in God anymore, I'm a Satanist.

Pete: I think that's an atheist. Satanists...do things to goats.

Pete: You have to treat everybody's views whatever they believe with equal respect don't you?

Karen: What? Even idiots?

[edit] Series 3

[edit] [3.1]

Ben: Twenty-nine!

Pete: Ben, stop playing 'Spot the Chav' and sit down.

Ben: What would happen if the queen and the prime minister had a fight?

Pete: Well, constitutionally -

Ben: No, no, no, no, no, no, no - if there was an actual FIGHT between the queen and the prime minister. You know, she might be old but she might be able to stick her finger in his only eye.

Pete: What, I don't think Gordon Brown -

Ben: In some pictures it looks like Gordon Brown's got two eyes. Do they paint the other one on?

Sue: You can't take money that people have put in the fountain, because it's not your money!

Karen: No but it's not theirs any more, it's the fountain's, and the fountain can't do anything if I take it!

Sue: No! Those people -

Karen: They're idiots! You're allowed to take money from idiots!

Ben: Kneel before me, puny mortals.

Karen: So that was modern art.

Sue: Yes, darling.

Karen: It was RUBBISH.

Karen: The National Gallery was rubbish too.

Pete: What about the lovely Van Goghs?

Karen: It was all wiggly and he should have gone over it! And the stars were all...wiggly and sprouty, it's like he was crazy or something.

Jake: Ben! Ben, Mum said you have to come downstairs.

Ben: But it was him!

Jake: Ben, Barack Obama does not drive a number forty-two bus!

Ben: He's the leader of the free world. He can do what he wants.

Karen: How do they decide which laws to make?

Pete: Well they read the Daily Mail... and do what it says.

[edit] [3.2]

Sue: I was sorting out the computer after it crashed, and I noticed that someone had downloaded an inappropriate image. Was it you?

Ben: Well, it could be. Was it the farting nun?

Sue: No Ben, it was not the farting nun.

Ben: Was it the tree man?

Sue: Ben -

Ben: Or was it that creepy dude who can lift things up with his mind, that's cool, or is it that evil clown song -

Sue: Ben!

Ben: Oh, I know! Was it the Pekingese dog on the lawnmower? Because that made me want to throw up.

Pete: Don't cherry-pick the muesli!

Ben: There aren't any cherries in the muesli.

Karen: What would Tony Blair have said if he knew you lied to a four year old?!

Pete: Uh, well done?

Jake: And anyway, what about those magazines you buy? Those celebrities probably don't want those pictures taken, yet you still go out and buy the magazines.

Sue: Well...I don't BUY them. I occasionally pick them up off trains. And bring them home...to recycle.

[edit] [3.3]

Karen: When professional tennis women play tennis, everytime they hit the ball they go UGGHH! And then they sit down and eat a banana.

Karen: I think the world is unfair to women.

Sue: Well, absolutely. I think you're right. Often, it is.

Karen: Because women can't grow moustaches or beards.

Sue: You want to grow a beard?

Karen: Well, I might want to be a tugboat captain, or an ayatollah.

[edit] [3.4]

Ben: Why is your face grey?

Pete: I've just -

Ben: You look like somebody shaded you in with a pencil.

Ben: Dad?

Pete: Yes?

Ben: What's the point of living?

Ben: When are you going to the hospital so the doctors can put the camera up your bottom?

Pete: Erm, Monday. Why?

Ben: Well, can you ask if you can keep the film? Only I'd like to take it into class for show and tell.

Ben: So your husband's black.

Woman: Yes.

Ben: You're white. So your baby could be black or white?

Woman: Erm, most likely something in between -

Ben: But not stripy?

[edit] [3.5]

Brick: Hey fella! I'm Brick!

Ben: Brick?

Brick: Yeah, Brick.

Ben: Is that a name?

Brick: Now... I don't need to be a therapist to see that there's an elephant in this room.

Karen: An elephant?!

Karen: Why are we clapping?

Ben: Have we won something?

Pete: Don't play the therapist with me.

Sue: Pete.

Angela: He's one of those guys who thinks that Charltons should become psychotherapists.

Pete: Yeah, and Serbian war criminals.

Sue: Pete!

Brick: Whoa, Hugh Grant.

Pete: And if you call me Hugh Grant, one more time. I'm going to take your Platnium Visa card. And I'm going to shove it RIGHT UP YOUR-! (Pete stops mid-sentence to see all the children staring at him.)

Taylor-Jean: I want my Mom!

Angela: It's allright sweetie.

Taylor-Jean: NO! I want my REAL Mom!

Kelly: I-I'll pop back in a tick. (Kelly quietly walks away.)

[edit] [3.6]

Ben: Why's that man wearing a dress?

Jake: It's not a dress and it's the Pope. It's his robe.

Ben: That can't be the Pope, because the Pope wears barbed wire pants and kills anybody who knows that Jesus had children.

Ben: Who's that woman with the black thing over her head?

Jake: That's the burka, Ben. She wears it because she's a Muslim.

Ben: Do boys wear 'em? Because it'd be cool if you were at school 'cos you could like - text under there and you could like, change your pants and nobody would know!

Ben: Urgh, God! What the hell is that? Urgh!

Jake: It's just a special kind of kiss. A French kiss, that's all.

Ben: I'm never going to France if they do that there! What the hell is wrong with him, is he a vampire?

Ben: This makes me the first man - to climb Everest - backwards - without oxygen - or even a jumper!

[Pete and Jake are being questioned by a man opposing speed bumps in the local area, who has hasselled them many times before]

Man: [to Pete] So can we assume your support? It's just, you're not entirely clear as to your exact position.

Pete: My exact position? Ah yes, now, let me see... I would say, erm, that... Well, given that my child is currently in the hospital, having been hit by a speeding car -

Jake: You don't actually know that, dad.

Pete: [ignoring him] I would say, on balance, erm, that my exact position is that, in order to slow down all the, erm... Shrivel-cocked Jeremy Clarkson wannabes - such as your good self - who seem to feel that any speed restriction is an abuse of their basic human rights to drive like a pillock, I would be in favour of any speed bumps.

Jake: Dad!

Pete: [angrily] And, as a further traffic calming measure, I'd also be in favour of rocket-propelled grenades targeted to disappear up their stupid, complacent little arses!

Karen: If you say it will hurt a tiny bit and it hurts a lot, who do I talk to?

Nurse: Who do you talk to?

Karen: Yes, you must have a system.

Karen: Dad, you know the man who knocked me over?

Pete: Yeah?

Karen: Was he Albanian?

Pete: No Karen, he wasn't Albanian. And Albanians aren't responsible for everything.

Karen: How long will he be going to jail for?

Sue: He's not gonna go to jail, darling.

Karen: Oh, so we're just going to sue him?

Sue: No Karen, just let it go.

Karen: Oh but Mum, you must never do that.

[edit] Series 4

[edit] Christmas Special (2011)

Traffic jam

Sue: What's happening?

Pete: Just two Father Christmases trying to beat the crap out of each other.