Outrageous Fortune (film)

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Outrageous Fortune is a 1987 comedy film, starring Shelley Long and Bette Midler as two struggling actresses who fall for the same man, who turns out to be a double agent trying to sell a defoliant to the Russian KGB. The two race across the country trying to make him choose between them, oblivious to his true reasons for taking an interest in them.

Directed by Arthur Hiller. Written by Leslie Dixon.


Sandy Brazinsky (Bette Midler)

  • "You know what I'll bet? I'll bet you haven't been laid in about a year!"

  • (After lying about being in hospital to avoid paying her phone bill) "Well, what was I supposed to do? Have them unhook the life support machine, so I could pay my bills?"

  • "Michael was not a guy, other guys would've made fun of in a locker room, OK!"

  • " This guy in the morgue.....whoever he is.....he's got a.....does the phrase needle dick, the bug fucker mean anything to you?"

  • "She's gotta get on this plane! There's a kidney in Kansas City that's not getting any fresher!"

  • (Screaming at a payphone that swallowed her change)"GIVE ME BACK MY FUCKIN' QUARTER!"

Lauren Ames (Shelley Long)

  • (While trying to ignore a bunch of wolf-whistling Mexican men): "Now why do they do that? Has there ever been one woman in the history of the world, who actually said "yes fellas, please, take me, now!"

  • (Lauren makes a leap with a grand jété from the last one of the Four Fingers clifftops with Michael following, only to slip and plunge onto the rocks far below): "Nine years of ballet, asshole!"


  • Sandy: "Oh my, that kind of evening?"
    Lauren: "Well, not the kind you're used to. No money changed hands!"

  • Lauren: "Where are we? We've been driving for hours, and I haven't seen a single white person on the street".
    Sandy: "There's one.....oops, they got him!""
    Lauren: "That's not funny".

  • Lauren: "You are really determined to get us killed."
    Sandy: "Oh, get over yourself, he's not gonna kill us."
    Lauren: "Oh, how can you be so sure?"
    Sandy: "Cause we're gonna be raped and murdered in this building!"

  • Lauren: "Oh my god, he's just a child.
    Sandy: "At least rape's out!"

  • Sandy: "You'd better tell her the name, she's kinda cranky."
    Lauren: "Yeah....I got my period!"

  • Lauren (Impersonating a non-English speaking woman): "Excuz please. I vas hoping you ver to help me. How do I to say?"
    Airline Check-in Agent: "You say it quickly, I'm off in three minutes!"

  • Lauren: "I know! We'll call the President."
    Sandy: "Oh, I'm sure that's a call he's gonna take. "Hi, we're two struggling actresses, we're saving the world!" Get real!


  • "The CIA is trailing them. The KGB is tracking them. The phone company is tracing them. The police are chasing them. The cowboys are herding them. And the Indians are hunting them. Are they gonna fall for all of that?"


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