Peep Show

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Peep Show is a British sitcom that started airing in 2003 and stars David Mitchell and Robert Webb. Lines in parentheses represent internal monologue spoken by the actors in voice-over.

Contents

[edit] Series 1

[edit] Episode 1

Jez (This is fucking wicked. I'm almost definitely a musical genius. Maybe a tattoo... on my chest... but... of my face. Yeahh! Double me! Feel it!)
Mark: (You're not a paedo. You're definitely not a paedo.)
[While boarding the bus]
Mark: (Yes! "I am the lord of the bus!" said he.)
Mark: (Women don't like your hands under their bottoms, Mark. That's been established, that's a given.)
Mark: (I bet those kids know nothing about the battle of Stalingrad. Although I can't compare my reading of the book with the struggle of the Red Army; it has been a very big read.)
TV: I'm basically looking to meet someone like myself.
Mark: (Pfftt. That's exactly the opposite of what I'm looking for.)
Jez: Now I know how whatshisname felt when he finished the Mona Lisa... Knackered.
Mark: (I don't want to go to Waitrose. I want a fuck buddy.)
Mark: (What are you doing? What about the poo?)
Toni: It's ridiculous! What kind of shop doesn't have Alpen?!
Mark: I've got a sister. She's a lawyer actually. (Don't boast!)
Mark: (Maybe he doesn't mind. Maybe nobody minds about things as much as me.)
Mark: (You can have good relationships with people who scare you. Just look at me and dad.)
Mark: You know Kerry, cancer Kerry, I need to find out, for a friend, the name of that Chinese doctor she was raving about, do you remember?
Jez: Sure. It was Doctor Ying Fu Yip... Wang Shong... Pang Fang Wang... Dang Dong Ning Po Ku.
Mark: Oh right. I see. I get it. You were lampooning me. It was a simple lampoon.
Super Hans: Pint of Guinness please, no logo on the foam.
Super Hans: Oh what? So... Mr... Ocean Colour Pants doesn't get it? Well, quelle fucking surprise.
Super Hans: It's not who you know... It's who you blow.
Chav: Hay look, it's clean shirt.
Mark: Clean shirt? What does that even mean? Isn't that good?
...
Chav: Fuck off clean shirt!
Jez: You're a posh spaz.
Mark: Oh really? Well I'd love to know in what way I am a posh spaz.
Jez: In the way that you do posh, spazzy things like... tidying up and... ironing your socks.
Mark: I do not iron my socks!
Jez: Socks, shirts, whatever!
Toni: I tell you, you find out who your real friends are when you set fire to Hampton Court maze because you can't take any more of your husbands shit.
Jez: (If I laugh at everything she says, I'm bound to at least get a suck job.)
Jez: (Jesus. How did I get trapped with her? She's definitely the most boring person here.) [Looks at group of people] (I mean, they look great, they're probably talking about how they're going to make a real life porn movie with a proper story and everything... I could do the music.)
Jez: (I mean, you can't catch cancer... I'd have heard... Someone would've said...)
Jez: (What kind? Blood? Bone? Knee?... Face?)
Jez: What's the matter, I thought you liked pork.
Jez: Listen to you, you beautiful... crazy thing... I meant, the cancer.
Paula: I'm sorry? Which cancer?
Jez: The bloody cancer! Eating you away!
Paula: Ok... Would you like it if I did have cancer?
[Leaving Sophie on the bus, having failed miserably to woo Toni the previous night]
Mark: (Yeah that's the way, Sophie is the one. Toni is Russia: Vast, mysterious, unconquerable. Sophie is Poland: Manageable... won't put up too much of a fight.)

[edit] Episode 2

Mark: (I wonder what kind of socks Sophie wears. Do women wear socks? Well, “yes sometimes” is the answer to that. Socks before or after trousers but never socks before pants, that's the rule. Makes a man look scary... like a chicken.) [Looks as Jez as he walks past wearing only a pair of socks] (He just does not give one solitary shit.)
Jez: [Whilst pissing all over the toilet seat] (Yeah, take that Big Suze. Your toilet seat regime is over. Ahhh... freedom.)
Mark: [Before having toast for breakfast] (Brown for first course, white for pudding. Brown is savoury, white's the treat. Of course I'm the one who's laughing because I actually love brown toast.)
Jez: Super Hans says he's come up with a bass loop for our new track that is so good, that when he tried turning it off... he literally couldn't... he actually phsyically couldn't do it.
Mark: (Work-shy freeloader.)
Jez: (Tight-fisted cockmuncher.)
Jez: You wouldn't ask the Chemical Brothers to do your laundry for you; they'd be off their tits.
[Changing his mind about leaving the Nazi cartoon on Sophie's desk]
Mark (A bloody swastika! That is the single worst, single, bloody idea ever. I mean, a swastika!?) [Discovers the cartoon has disappeared from Sophie's desk] (It's gone! It's happened! Oh yeah, do what Jeremy would do! Thanks Jeremy you tit!) [Bangs his head twice against wall]
Toni: So, what you're saying is, these products are essential? The kind of products no one could do without?
Jez: Well... You're kind of making me say that.
Mark: (She's ignoring me. Of course she's ignoring me, this morning I sent her a bloody swastika.)
Mark: (I hope she doesn't mind about my balls.)
Mark: (Relax Mark, you're not Hitler in his bunker, he was really under the cosh... Mind you, at least he had a girlfriend.)
Mark: [Trying to open his desk draw] (Why don't I get this fixed? Why don't I ever get this fucking thing fixed?! Every night it's f... Ah, it always comes out eventually, fuck it.)
Jez: Who's the racist now, Mark?
Mark: Uh, Sophie, if you heard that, please ignore it, i'm not a racist, far from it. uh... anyway, uh... it's good to hear your voice. Uh, I know it's only a recording, but, you have got a bloody nice voice, and, heh, God, uh, I just called up to say "Hi", and then, uh, then, [singing now] I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like, I like you. I mean, not that. But, anyway, I noticed that the paper in the photocopier is running a bit low, so, I know it's not really your job, but, uh, well, you know, so, see you tomorrow!
Jez: The first thing to say would be that this is not pyramid selling.
Mark: You're doing pyramid selling?!
Jez: No, no, not pyramid selling.
Mark: I can't believe you're into pyramid selling.
Jez: Listen, listen. It's not pyramid selling, it's... network... marketing and it's a guaranteed money making... Mark! I've seen the, the charts!
Mark: Oh the "charts". There are "charts". Why didn't you tell me about the "charts".
Jez: Are you... trying to... piss on my bonfire?
Mark: I'm trying to... protect you from... pissing all over yourself.
Jez: I'm not about to piss... all over myself. I'm... I'm pissing into the... bigtime.
Mark: (Shit, sugar, fudge, piss, poo, pants, bollocks. Yes! Blitzkrieg! I'm in the Ardennes!... You can't touch me in the Ardennes... Concealed in the cupboard... Everything's ok in the cupboard... I'm safe in the cupboard.)
Jeff: Mark. You're in the stationery cupboard.
Mark: That's right, Jeff.
Mark: (I'll be able to order him around. Not horrible, just... Jeremy, could you file this for me? Jeremy, could you take that for me? Jeremy could you suck this for me?... Jesus! Where did that come from?)
[Interviewing Jeremy, for a filing position]
Barbara: ...now, do you have any experience in this field?
Jez: Eh, I've done quite a lot actually, I mean not formal filing, but you know, alphabetabecising the videos, doing the spices, I suppose what I'd want to do is build on that experience in a professional... zone, SPHERE. I meant, sphere. (God, that sounded amazing, don't accidentally get the bugger!)
Barbara: You're doing great...
[she ticks "Poor" in the "Experience", "Knowledge" and "Performance level" boxes on her sheet]
Jez: No, challenging is right... Umm... But, a bit more of a relaxing challenge, more like doing a crossword than a tracheotomy.
Jez: It's a unique business opportunity and...
Mark: It's pyramid selling Barbara and I'm very sorry...
Jez: It's not pyramid selling Mark it's...
Mark: It's pyramid selling and you're making a fool of yourself.
Jez: You're pissing on my bonfire!
Mark: There is no bonfire!
Jez: That's because you keep pissing on it!
Mark: This is low. This is really low.
Jez: Yeah, well, at least I don't fancy elves and pixies.
Mark: What does that mean?! I literally have no idea what that is supposed to mean!!
Mark: Listen, Sophie, about the message, last night, I want to kind of... come clean, really. It's a bit embarrassing, but... well... the thing is... Jeremy, sometimes, for a laugh, makes me say things with a bread-knife. Uh, I mean he's obviously not a crackhead, but...
Sophie: Uh huh, ok.
Mark: Yeah...
Sophie: Look, Mark, you don't have to- about the message, about the phone message, you don't have to be embarrassed about it.
Mark: I don't?
Sophie: Of course not, it's just one of those things.
Mark: Is it? It is? Oh right! Fantastic! And, you haven't told anyone about it?
Sophie: Of course not.
Mark: Oh, thank you thank you thank you thank you. (Calm down! She's not bloody Pontius Pilate). Yeah, well, you know... the truth is... the truth is, I suppose I like you. That's why I said the song. I like you. Is that such a crime? Should I be hounded to the ends of the earth, just for liking you? I like you, and if you can't handle it, you can just, you know, fuck off.
Sophie: No, no, I think I can handle you liking me.
Mark: Good... right, excellent. Ok... bye.
Mark: Hi Jeff. (Well fuck you if you're not doing small talk, I'm not gonna help us out... Lets die together.)

[edit] Episode 3

Mark: Life is all pain. Pain, rejection and gloom. Why do we even pretend that there's anything other than a yawning blankness at the heart of... Hay! 33% extra free! I'm doing excellent shopping. My depressed state of mind is making me even more frugal than normal.
Jez: You realise tinned food is just for crackheads and wars.
Jez: I just came here to tell you we've been invited to a very wicked party.
Mark: Do I look like the kind of man who goes to wicked parties?
Jez: But, it's better this way... two guys... we've got to get out there! Grooving! Doing it! You know? I mean, it's been a long time for either of us, I mean, I haven't had my oats in something like two weeks!! (Nine months and thirteen days.) I mean look at us! [Holds us a tissue box] People are going to think we spend the whole time wanking.
Mark: Ok, well, I'm here, so I'll just sit here and drink. No one can stop me doing that. Just drink myself to death.
[In a toilet cubicle with Toni, Jeremy and Valerie]
Mark: (I've got to take Jeremy's advice more often: I'm out on a date with a teenage goth, smoking pot in the Lazerbowl toilets... this is it. This is literally, it. This is the sort of thing people do when they're having a good time.)
Mark: What if I lose it? I'm not gonna do a poo am I, Jez?
Mark: I'm bowling all right, I'm bowling FRUIT! I've reached the next level, I've gone BEYOND!
Jeff: So Valerie, who's your favourite member of S Club?
Valerie: Oh, I'm not really into them. But I hear they have a big gay following. [mimes oral sex]
Mark: (She does look kind of great in my pajamas. That's sick. Why is that sick?)
Mark: (Don't think about it. If you don't think about it, it won't happen.)

[edit] Episode 4

[Discussing politicians with Mark and Alan]
Jez: What I mean is that they should be more honest. I mean, at least Tony Adams from the IRA, he's like "Yeah, I shoot people, I like shooting people!" I mean, if they were more honest, then maybe people would vote and not switch straight over when the news comes on.
Jez: Mark likes Israel, I'm Palestine. Makes it much more interesting if you pick sides.
[In flash back of drug induced state]
Jez: (Floss is boss, Floss is boss).
[Begins to strangle Super Hans with dental floss]
Jez: FLOSS IS BOSS! FLOSS IS BOSS!.
Jez: The bad thing. That was the bad thing.
[Cut to shot of Super Hans performing oral sex on Jeremy the previous night]
Super Hans: Alright. My turn now.

[edit] Episode 5

Sophie: Are you sure you can get home from here?
Mark: Hmmm. (You can never go home again. Winters coming. Is this Stalingrad? Is this where it all ends?)
[Entering Barbara's empty office late at night]
Mark: (Hey Barbara, thought we should have a follow up meeting Re: the phones thing... Oh you're not here,) [opening desk drawer] (well I'll just leave my new idea in your desk, give you time to think about it... yeah so my new idea is urine) [urinates into drawer] (loads and loads of urine, flooding your drawers. What do you think about that? Don't you think that would be just the ticket?) [urinates on a folder on the floor] (Yeah, you're getting some too!) [Phone Rings, Mark answers] JLB Credit, fuck off please!
Therapist: Right, have you ever done word association?
Mark: Its not therapy?
Therapist: No. I say a word and you just say the first thing that comes into your head.
Mark: (Hes trying to therapize me.)
Therapist: Work.
Mark: (SNAKEPIT) Snake...charmer.
Therapist: Really, say the first thing that comes into your head. Money.
Mark: (EVERYTHING) ...not everything.
Therapist: Children.
Mark: (BLIND) umm, short.
Therapist: Father.
Mark: (FUHRER) Football.
Therapist: Mother
Mark: (SOPHIE) FUCK! I mean not fuck! Can I try that again?
Therapist: Have you ever done a Rorschach test?
Mark: No.
Therapist: [holds up card] What can you see here?
Mark: (A Twat. A hungry devouring twat) ...a kitten?
Mark: It's payback time.
Jez: And she's paying back. In FEAR DOLLARS!

[edit] Episode 6

Jez: (I'm gonna blow this gaff wide open.) Uh... yeah. I spent, uh, some time with Ray before he... went, and, I just wanted to say that, um, I think we should all remember that Ray, by the end... he loved Jesus. Now, I know, Liz, there's no proof for Jesus, but then, there's no proof for lots of things, like science, or, the stock market, and... we believe in them. Look, what I'm trying to say, is that, if I was dying, and I decided that even though I'd never particularly been into say, uh... Enya before, but that now I really really was into Enya, and that in fact I thought Enya was great, and that Enya died for our sins, and I wanted an Enya themed funeral with pictures of Enya and lots and lots of mentions of... Enya, then I think it would be a bit bloody rich, for my sister, to ban all mention of Enya, from my funeral! Yeah?
Everyone applauds, Liz frowns.
[Discussing life and death with Mark]
Sophie: Sometimes, we're so wrapped up in the nonsense of life...
Mark: Right yeah... I mean, if I want an Xbox, why don't I just get an Xbox?
Sophie: [confused] ...yeah.
Mark: (You're losing her) It's a brief candle... a bloody brief candle.
Jez: ('Abandon self-cherishing, love only others'. Yeah well Mr. Dalai Lama I suppose you've got to be a suck-up if you haven't got your own country.)

[edit] Series 2

[edit] Episode 1

Jez: There's only so much happiness in the world and they're hoarding it all!
Mark: That's not how happiness works! (It completely is.)
Mark: What do I know about love and happiness? I know you have to play dirty my friend.
Mark: (Yeah, fuck carrot and stick, he's making the stick out of carrot. Jesus, he's good. Careful, there's man love and there's business love, and never the twain shall meet.)
Mark: (Yeah, you won't be so cocky Jeff, when I come into the office with a Kalashnikov and 200 rounds of ammunition. I'm probably exactly the kind of person who could end up doing something like that.)
Mark: Dancing? Y-yes... dancing... I love... dancing... (It makes me look like a coma victim being stood up and zapped with a cattle prod.)
Jez: (God, this is such a mess. It's fantastic.)
Jez: Maybe I should send her a bit of ear. Or a finger. Just to show I'm really serious.
Mark: (I've walked into my own personal nightmare. Must remain non-uptight for Sophie. Even if they make me play trust exercises with their genitals.)
Jez: (Jesus, Mark's such a honky. I'm definitely the alpha-est male here. He's probably here for community service. He looks like he's actually getting a bonk on. I'm definitely king of the hippy jungle.)
Mark: (God it's so easy being a freak. No wonder they're ten a penny.)
Mark: (God it's happening. Its Woodstock. Its Altamont. Its My Lai.)
Mark: (I'm Louis Theroux. I'm Louis Theroux with his wry smile at the orgy.)
Jez: (This is good. This is like watching a porno, except I can't see anything, I haven't got a hard-on, and I want to cry.)
Mark: We have something special. Your words not mine. We can't just end it all because I... spy on you... can we?!
Nancy: You can't imagine your mom having sex with a black man? That's pretty racist, Jeremy!
Mark: (Sure, an orgy sounds great, but you're basically just multiplying the number of people you're not going to be able to look in the eye afterwards.)

[edit] Episode 2

[Jez approaches an aquaintance from school]
Jez: Gog!
Gog: Jeremy! What are you doing here?
Jez: Wouldn't you like to know, you big prick!
[Jez twists Gog's nipple]
Mark: (He hasn't got any massage oil. He's trying to make me obsess about massage oil. And it's worked!)
Super Hans: I'll tell you what, this crack is really more-ish.
Gog: Hey, you know what I fancy right now? A kebab. Will you go down and get me a kebab?
Jez: [pause] You want me to...
Gog: I want a kebab.
Jez: What... really?
Gog: [laughing] No-o! Why, were you gonna go and get me one?
[Everyone laughs at Jez]
Jez: No...
Gog: I can't believe you were gonna go and get me a kebab!
Jez: I wasn't!
Gog: [Stops laughing] Well, I want one now.
Jez: Right... really?
Gog: [laughs again] No-o! I'm shitting you, Jez! Jesus!
Super Hans: What we really need to do is create a powerful sense of dread.
[Plays a long, low note on the keyboard]
Super Hans: See, the longer the note... the more dread!
Jez: (Useless...all useless. I wish they were all robots...I wish I were a robot...maybe I could punch through a wall...)

[edit] Episode 3

Mark: (I've shot you Jeff. With a bullet made of Scottish finance regulations.)

[edit] Episode 4

Jez: I thought you did do Ancient History.
Mark: I did business studies Jeremy. For three years. And I spoke with you about it daily.
Jez: (I could tell him that's all ancient history now. He probably wouldn't like that joke.)
Jez: Oh well, that's all ancient history now!
[Mark looks unimpressed]
Super Hans: The secret ingredient... is crime.
Jez: There's no quim likes to party...
Mark: ...like the quim down in Darty!

[edit] Episode 5

Mark: If you can't have sex with the monkey, make friends with the organ-grinder.
Jez: Right. You didn't did you, try to have sex with a monkey?
Jez: No Mark. I only told you for a laugh. You promised not to tell.
Mark: Hitler promised not to invade Czechoslovakia, Jeremy. Welcome to the real world!
Jez: But you said... what about your mum's life?
Mark: What does that even mean!? What are you going to do, KILL her!?
[Mark consoles Sophie after she breaks up with Jeff.]
Mark: Does... does he beat you, Soph?
Sophie: God, no. He broke a plate once, but...
Mark: Does he come at you with a stick, Soph?
Sophie: No, never. It's nothing like that.
Mark: He does beat you though, mentally. And with his hands and with his fists.
Sophie: No.
Jeremey: Hey, Soph. You alright?
Sophie: Yeah, just getting my head together.
Mark: Oh God, your head - is it okay!?
Mark: I'm giving you the broom Jeff!

[edit] Episode 6

[discussing their marriage of convenience]
Nancy: You realise its only going to be an administrative procedure?
Jez: The happiest administrative procedure of our lives!
Jez: Oh don't marry those gays, Nancy. Marry me!
Mark: (Maybe it'll go really well and I'll have a double wedding with Jeremy on Friday. Oh god. She's coming over. Must... Think... Words... Funny words.)
Mark: (God, this isn't right. Someone has to do something. He's standing there like its the invading Chinese army. They're women, that old get out. Oh god, its got to be me.)
Mark: (Brilliant. Probably looks like I was ready to punch him, when really I was going to use the Buddhist as a human shield.)
[as Jez walks up the aisle]
Mark: (I tried. I failed. Got to let him make his own mistakes. Just like Dad with me and the strimmer.)
Mark: (Got to stick it out. Keep being charming to Sophie, stay cold and unfriendly to Karen, without breaking social convention.)
Mark: (Public humilation. Welcome to my world, Jeff. Although personally I wouldn't have picked that dress to cry on.)
Jez: Do you think maybe, if I plead and plead and plead, she'll forget all about it and things will go back to like before?
Mark: Honestly?
Jez: Quite honestly. Not brutally honestly.
Mark: Then... yeah, absolutely.

[edit] Series 3

[edit] Mugging [3.1]

Mark: (Fish pie then missionary sex and Newsnight afterwards.)
Mark: (Note to self Re: being the Fonz - Mark, you are *not* the Fonz.)
Big Suze: Hey; Jez! Look at all the lovely normal people.
Jeremy: Yeah: take that Stu, you lump of monk. God didn't protect you from my big fist.
Jeremy: (Still drinking alone, what's the big deal? If I drink a bottle of vodka and a man's there does that somehow make it alright?)

[edit] Sectioning [3.2]

[Super Hans nonchalantly flings Merry's laptop across the room]
Jez: Super Hans!
Super Hans: Oh, what? Oh, 'cause it's a computer you think it's made of spiders webs and magic? It's just a metal box Jez, they're indestructable.
Mark: I suppose doing things you hate is just the price you pay to avoid loneliness.
Jez: Mark, do you have to live quite so relentlessly in the real world?
Jez: I'm definitely not co-managing a pub called 'Free the Paedos'.
Super Hans: Did you try to section me???
Super Hans: People like Coldplay and voted for the Nazis. You can't trust people Jeremy.
Jez: If YOU try to section me Mark you will have crossed a line and I will section you, so help me...
Doctor: Look guys. You've had your fun with the sectioning. There's going to be no more sectioning today.

[edit] Shrooming [3.3]

Jez: (It's not like I'm going to rape him. I could rape him... I'm not going to rape him.)
[Propping up the door so that Big Suze can use the toilet]
Jez: (I bet she even does nice poos. Little Maltesers that smell like The Body Shop.)
Mark: (This is the last friendship I have that's not backed up by a legally enforcable document.)
Johnson: Is that normal pooing you're doing, Mark?
Mark: Yes, perfectly normal.
Johnson: Doesn't sound normal... Doesn't smell normal. This is bollocks, Mark! You know the credo: illness equals weakness. You're off the team.
Johnson: [disgusted] I'll see later, Mark.... Much later!
Jez: So this is my big evening, is it? Me, tripping my nuts off, watching you do endless pooing.

[edit] Sistering [3.4]

Mark: Nothing means anything to you, does it? Friendship, loyalty, they're just fusty old words like sixpence and codpiece to you aren't they.
Mark: (Maybe I should ring up Grandad and tell him I think he's a boring twat.)

[edit] Jurying [3.5]

Jez: Crunchy Nut Cornflakes are just Frosties for wankers.
Mark: Frosties are just Cornflakes for people who can't face reality.
Jez: (This isn't wrong - just illegal - like drunk driving.)
Jez: (I'm in Twelve Angry Men. I'm the only one who's not angry. I'm horny. That's much nicer.)
Mark: Sophie! The Sophster! Sophestry!
Mark: So, a candle stuck in a wine bottle apparently doesn't cut it anymore. Now for a special night you have to have Class-A drugs and... fisting.
[About ecstasy]
Jez: Jesus Mark, why didn't you bang one?
Mark: Because I didn't want to wake up dribbling in a phone box with a trucker's penis in my ear!
Mark: (How did my house become a rave? This is probably how a squat starts. They'll never leave and eventually they'll brick me up in my room and ownership will pass to them because a high court judge will rule me to be officially not living life to the max.)
Mark: While we’re at it, there are systems for a reason in this world. Economic stability, interest rates, growth. It’s not all a conspiracy to keep you in little boxes. Alright? It’s only the miracle of consumer capitalism that means you’re not lying in your own shit, dying at 43 with rotten teeth. And a little pill with a chicken on it is not going to change that. Now come on... fuck off.
Jez: (Oh yeah. Justice is done. Not actual justice, but, what I wanted to happen. Which is basically the same thing.)

[edit] Quantocking [3.6]

[to Jez playing darts]
Mark: Are you aiming for the bulls-eye?
Jez: Yeah, 'course I am, it's the best thing on the board!
Mark: No, it isn't.
Jez: Mark, just look at it. It's tiny, it's red, it's right in the bloody middle. 'Course it's the best thing on the board!
Jez: Right well, let's crack on.
Super Hans: Don't. Say. Crack, Jez. Yeah? Please. Not now. 'Cause you saying crack makes me think about crack and I love crack. So can you not say crack?
Mark: (At least he doesn't know about my emergency Twix)
Mark: (Yes, this me-not-loving-her business will sort of put me in a position of power in our marriage. Yes. I win.)
Super Hans: Drugs! Drugs! Drugs!
Super Hans: I'd probably be very angry with you right now, if I weren't so incredibly high.
Jez: Super Hans, are you trying to skin up with your feet again?

[edit] Series 4

[edit] Sophie's Parents [4.1]

Mark: She’s good for me, Jez, She’s dragging me into the twenty-first century with its meaningless logos and ironic veneration of tyrants. It’s all good, my friend.
Jez: (I'm a motherfucker! That's literally what I am!)
Jez: (It's almost like a moral decision, but not really 'cause nobody will find out.)
Mark: (Well, this isn't what I expected. You think you're going to play Simpsons Monopoly, and you end up an arsonist.)
Mark: (I'm a firestarter! A twisted firestarter!)
Jez: Well... I did see him throw a petrol bomb but I thought it might just have been a joke.
Mark: This zip... There's no pocket to this zip!
Jez: (To Sophie's father) He can't hear... Can you, you big fox-hunting, badger baiting, tweed-shirt bumfuck homophobe!
[to Jez, smiling smuttily]
Penny: Get yourself a nice tank of petrol. Come back soon.
Jez: (Yeah, right, so your husband can kill me and your son can worship my stuffed corpse and you can wheel me out for a fuck. No thank you.)
Mark: Please, no. Please tell me no.
Jez: What?
Mark: That. The smutty smile. Jeremy, please tell me that nothing's going on there.
Jez: Nothing is going on there.
Mark: Let's just say nothing's going on there.
Jez: Yeah. Actually I did want to tell someone, I mean it was so cool, she had all this jam -
Mark: Oh my God, you didn't?! You fucked her! Jeremy, you need chemical castration, you're out of control! That's Sophie's mother!
Jez: She's hot.
Mark: She's not out of Hollyoaks, Jeremy, she probably had a ration book! Oh you're a piece of work aren't you? I'm down the pub putting the hours in with the dad, and you're back at the house banging the mum! That is not a good impression!
Jez: I dunno, I think I made a pretty good impression.
Mark: Jeremy, please, don't smile like that. You're not James Bond, you're disgusting.
Jez: (I am James Bond.)
[Mark has just twisted a bird's head off whilst hunting]
Sophie: Teas, coffees for the huntsmen.
Jez: No teas for the beastmaster, thanks. He feasts on the blood of his prey.
Mark: (Oh God, the first fianceé challenge and I've got a gun. An actual gun. It's OK, it's perfectly normal, this is the country. This is what farmers do. They go around shooting crows, and trespassers, and eventually, because of the EU, themselves.)
Sophie: [to Mark and her father] Hey nice to see you two getting on. What are you two talking about?
Mark: Oh just...metal (And the fact that i don't really love you)
Sophie: Bye. Love you!
Mark: I love you, too. (It's okay, everyone says it. I say I love Haagen-Dazs and my broadband provider, and I like Sophie more than them. In most respects.)

[edit] Conference [4.2]

Mark: Hi, Alan, you wanted to talk about... oh!
Johnson: Don't be alarmed, Mark, it's just Tai Chi. Take a seat and I'll just power through. Should take 45 minutes, I'm done in ten. Stick that up your dojo.
Mark: Great.
Mark: (I do sort of like it when he's rude to me. Hopefully that's more of a psychological defect, not a weird sexual thing.)
Johnson: Tonight should be a free-fire idea zone. Watch a DVD, eat some pizza, fuck each other. I'm serious. Fuck a chicken if that's what it takes. Watch a chicken fucking a horse. What? You think the guys who invented Google sat around watching Trumpton?
Mark: (Oh he is good. Taboo busting, semi-incomprehensible pep-talk.)
Johnson: In business, Jeremy, you learn that every man has his price, and I judge yours to be... £530.
Jez: (Is this a terrible idea? It can't be. It's in a film. They wouldn't put a terrible idea in a film, they'd get sued.
Big Suze: Sounds like you want to pimp me out.
Jez: Pimp me out. Pimp my ride. There's a new climate.
Jez: (God! I only asked her to be a hooker. It's not like I wanted her to work in telesales.)
Sophie: ...and I was quite shocked when you called Kathy a knucklehead, Mark.
Mark: No I didn't.
Sophie: Yes, you did. You said she was a knucklehead and she should knuckle down or you'd knuckle her fat head.
Mark: Sit down. Clear your tubes. 'Cause you and me are gonna chew down on the biggest hairy motherfucking shit-storm since Enron.
Mark: (Suppose I can always roll Gerrard out for the sympathy vote. He's my dark secret... my elephant man.)
Mark: Oh right, so, now she's finished with you, suddenly you're in love with her again?
Jez: Exactly. Duh! That's how love works Mark.
Mark: (Oh great. I'm going out with literally the worst men in the world.)
Big Suze: Jeremy?! What the hell are you doing here?
Jez: Me? Oh. Nothing. I was just passing through... Kettering... And I thought, hey I know someone who's gone to Kettering for the weekend.
Jez: Look Suze. Being black isn't about the colour of your skin. It's about vibe, hanging out, kicking back, smoking a number. Fighting prejudice and negative stereotypes wherever you find them! Yeah? I'm down with all that! Is Johnson? I mean, what's Johnson done for black people lately?!
Big Suze: You mean... appart from his mentoring and community work?
Jez: ...Yeah apart from that!
Mark: (Oh God. This is horrible. Ughh, she's touching the tube! That can't be hygenic...)
[While getting a lap dance in a strip club.]
Mark: Oh, great! Here we go. I'm just another cock getting wired into the global economy. Uhhh, how should I look like? Bond-like neutrality? As though I'm so used to real-life naked women? Or, don't want to be rude... smiling encouragement? That's not a leer is it? Got to avoid the leer at all costs. And the dribble. Oh God, she looks amazing, this really should not be allowed. This is what men want and we shouldn't be allowed to have it because it's horrible and it make you feel sick! Oh wonderful, now I'm getting an erection. How grimly predictable.
Stripper: You should try and sum up all your aims in the first line.
Mark: Right, look, this is a very complex business proposal so I really don't think you could sum up all the aims in one line.
Stripper: If you can't sum up all the aims in the first line then they're too diffuse.
Mark: Look, my aims are not too fucking diffuse ok?!
Stripper: Fine! Jesus! They just might be too diffuse. That was all I was saying...
Mark: (Great... Now I'm getting an angry lap dance... Brilliant...)
Sophie: And have I lived enough? I mean, I've only slept with four men. Is that enough?
Jez: Four?... Oh... Yeah. (Jesus. I've had sex with more men than that, and I basically only sleep with women.)
Jez: (This is almost definitely a terrible idea, but I won't know for certain until I've actually done it... No I was right, that was a terrible idea. That's probably the stupidest thing I've ever done in my entire life... Although... Maybe actually screwing each other will kind of make it weirdly better.)
Mark: (Why are they being so nice? Maybe they're had a big chat about me and they're suddenly realised I was right about North Korea, I was right about the European Constitution, and by God I think I'm right about the congestion charge!
Mark: You know what this piece of paper says Jeremy?
Jez: Is it something to do with history? Have they stopped history books?
Mark: I'm about to walk into a boardroom gang bang and get fucked by the biggest swinging dicks in corporate strategy.
Jez: Maybe you should run away.
Mark: Right, thanks Jez.
Jez: Well, I mean, people say it like it's a bad thing, you know, running away from your problems. But if your problems never catch up with you, what's the hitch?
Mark: Right well, in this case there would be repercussions.
Jez: What do you care? You'd be in the woods, playing the ukulele with the rabbits and the squirrels!
Mark: I suppose I could... run away.
Jez: Do it man!! (I think that was good advice... I mean, I didn't actually expect him to do it... Maybe I wouldn't have said it if I thought there was any chance of him actually doing it... But... yep, there he goes.)
Mark: (God, I'm running away! This is brilliant! Maybe I'll go to KFC and have a whole bargain bucket!)
Mark: (Right, here I go. Palms dry. Mouth dry. Inter-buttock area moist.)
Johnson: I'd just like to assure everyone that Mr. Corrigan will indeed be dead within a month.

[edit] Gym [4.3]

Matt: Well, you can't stay hiding there [behind Sophie and Nancy] forever!
Mark: He thinks we can't hide here forever.
Jez: He obviously doesn't know us at all, does he?
Mark: I'm marrying her, what more does she want?
Jez: Mark, are you having some sort of mental breakdown?
Mark: I'm just joining the gym. Get some exercise, and some time... not away from Sophie, just... without her.
Jez: .....
Mark: You should join too. You get a free pen!
Mark: (Ugh, why did they have to put the bikes right in front of the sexualiser? Be so demeaning to get a bonk-on while exercising.)
Matt: Can you take some more? Can you? Do you want it? Do you want it?
Mark: NO!
Matt: What?
Mark: No, I don't want it, alright? Fuck off! You've made it too hard, I can hardly fucking pedal! No mountain is this hard, it's just not realistic!
Mark: (Ugh, that was horrible. Now he probably thinks I'm embarrassed about the size of my penis. When in fact, I'm not. I'm much more concerned about my misshapen scrotum.)

[edit] Handyman [4.4]

Mark: What a dud evening. Low quality take-away. Low quality detective drama. Low quality sexual intercourse.
Mark: Welcome to the world of work, Jeremy. You know, you don't have to be crazy to work here, but it helps.
Jez: And you don't have to be a smack-head to wank off old geezers, but that probably helps too.
Mark: (I thought she was a frightened little suburban mouse, but no, she's my nightmare: a liberated, sexually adventurous urban woman.)
Mark: If it ain't broke, don't fix it. And even if it is broke, just ignore it and maybe it'll be sort of OK. Like the environment.
Super Hans: Why didn't you tell me about the wanking-off bit?
Jez: Sorry, I didn't think.
Super Hans: Well you should've bloody thought. Jesus!
Jez: Did you do it?
Super Hans: 'Course I did. How do you think I got these trainers?
Nancy: What's going on? Who's wanking who off?
Super Hans: Jeremy's been wanking off this bloke for cash.
Jez: No I haven't! It's not -
Nancy: Jeremy, that is so you. I always knew you'd end up doing something like that.

[edit] Holiday [4.5]

Mark: (I guess the only good thing is that my life is so boring it feels like it might go on forever.)
Mark: (Oh great, so I'll be spending £1 a minute to hear how shit I am at sex, that's value for money!)
Jez: Oh, that is great. You wouldn't even let me drink your piss. I'm not trying to kiss you, Mark. It's liquid waste.
Mark: (Just stay mute, Mark. You're a social freak. Remain in your compound.)
Jez: Warp factor 3 please, Scotty!
Mark: (Oh, great. I'm Scotty. He's off cross-breeding with the beautiful aliens and I'm stuck down in the engine room with the probably cancer-emitting fuel cells.)
Mark: (Oh my God! I've entered an interview situation and there's a hand near my cock. This is like that dream I had about Alan Sugar and the Badger.)
Jez: (If I don't think about it, there's always a chance it didn't happen.)
[discussing Malcolm's daughter]
Malcolm: What do you think of her? Honestly.
Mark: (I think she might have a borderline personality disorder.) I think she's... lovely.
Mark: I don't want sweet punani action; I want to take your bishop and grind you down!
Mark: (Fucking hell! He's got Mummy! He's brought a dead dog into my pitch, the stupid bastard!)
[after Jez has eaten "turkey" (actually the dog, "Mummy")]
Mark: Did you actually have to eat it?
Jez: I don't know. I keep wondering that. But in the moment, it really did feel like I needed to eat it.

[edit] Wedding [4.6]

Mark: (I'm not marrying out of spite, I'm marrying out of fear. There's a very big difference.)
Mark: (Need time to think. How can I buy some time? Contract TB? But where from? No badgers. Try to get beaten up? I could say he's got a... fat head. Call him a jizz-cock. It's not actually an insult, all cocks are jizz-cocks really; bit like calling him a piss-kidney.)
Mark: Well, you should be more careful you... jizz-cock!
Driver: What?
Mark: You could have had my legs off you... piss-kidney.
Driver: Arsehole!
Mark: (Arsehole! Yep, nice insult. Clean, clear and insulting.)
Jez: You OK?
Mark: Yeah, yeah, fine. Bit of a wobble. I just proposed to a woman in a coffee shop and tried to get myself run over.
Jez: OK. Right. That is maybe a sign that everything isn't totally groovy.
Jez: (Am I actually going to piss on the church? It'd be quite a statement. Yeah, baby! Here I go. Richard Dawkins walks the walk but does he actually follow through with an actual act of piss?)
Jez: Let me go in that prayer bucket.
Mark: Prayer bucket?... [looking round] Jeremy, that's just a bucket.
Mark: That's it. I'm alone. Tomorrow morning I'll wake up in my bed alone. Unless... I hire a prostitute. Just for the night. Kind of like a wedding present.
Mark: You know you really do smell quite strongly of piss.
Jez: Yes, and your hat and shoe smell of puke, so I guess neither of us are exactly the king, are we?

[edit] Series 5

[edit] Spin War [5.2]

Mark: You know Jez... I've started to get this feeling that i'm totally, totally fucked... You know, I fucked up my wedding, I fucked up and my only relationship. Everthing's just completely fucked.
Jez: You have been thinking this for a while haven't you.
Mark: It was old style peadoing. Before it got such a bad name
Mark: Ugh no... Hearbreak Tuna! No just bin it.
Mark: If she wants a PR War, then she can have a PR War... I'll Mandelson her!
Lisa: Erm, Mark, I just want to say about the wedding... That I think your a real piece of shit
Mark: Oh... Ok, (That's fair. Lisa is a very fair person)
Super Hans: Shit, he's done something there. How's he done that?
Jez: I think it's maybe two or three different musical things, at the same time!
Super Hans: The Big Beat Manifesto goes "Big Beats are the best, Get high all the time".
Mark: By the way is it possible to get a block on a couple of e-mail adresses.
Dobby: Why, what have you been getting?
Mark: Ah, just the usual... crap.
Dobby: (Reading) You're a piece of shit. Shitter, Stuff your bollocks up your gob...
Mark: It's just mates and that.
Dobby: (Still Reading) Fuck off and shut up and die?
Mark: Yeah they're pretty funny.
Dobby: Arseholes
Jez: (Blow Job and a Twirl)
Super Hans: Do I look like I'm made of apples
Mark: Ugh... You'll have to move
Dobby: Yeah I should move... but I might not move (Dobby begins to rub against Mark)
Mark: I win because they all think I pissed myself, when they have no idea I came all in my pants!
Mark: I just wondered if you fancied coming down with me to the Fuckbunker.
Dobby: Is that what you call the stationary cupboard.


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