Real Time With Bill Maher

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Real Time with Bill Maher is an HBO talk show hosted by comedian and political satirist Bill Maher, dealing with current events in politics and the media.

Your weekly intelligence briefing. .

Contents

[edit] Bill Maher

  • He went to Vietnam because as a young man, he thought that was the right thing to do. He saw what was going on in Vietnam, came back, threw his medals away, changed his mind. Is it wrong that a guy goes to the slaughterhouse and comes back a vegetarian? Isn't that what thinking people do?
  • I was watching Andrea Mitchell… talking about debates, and she said, 'A sighing Gore, a sweating Nixon, a seemingly bored Bush, those unfortunate, unscripted moments that voters sometimes remember most.' And I thought, yeah, they remember most because you show it on a loop on your media 24 hours a friggin' day! That's why they remember it most! It's not the voters who — it's what the media pick — the media picks out a few moments and they show it over and over again. And then people go, 'Well, Gore sighed; he's toast.'
    • 1 October 2004; on the media's influence on voters' perceptions
  • But my question about that whole flap — the Republicans are very angry. Dick Cheney said, 'I'm an angry father.' If it's not shameful to be gay, why are their panties in a bunch about this? I mean… Right? They talk about her like she's some retarded monster they have chained in the attic. You know, if being gay is not that, why is it a controversy to bring her up? … It's an issue in this election. Don't talk about my daughter, who we're trying to discriminate against, in a constitutional amendment.
  • And to answer the question that people have about this conspiracy theory that he has a pack in his back, my answer is, if someone was feeding him answers, couldn't they be able to feed him better ones than he came up with?
  • I was watching Ashlee Simpson on Jay's show last night… She was really singing, and I was saying, 'Bring back the lip synch.' …And it struck me that Ashlee Simpson is a lot like George Bush — because she wouldn't even really be in the big leagues if it wasn't for family connections, and she's in way over her head. And she doesn't know what to do. And she blamed her band.
  • The key lesson to me of Vietnam is that you cannot outlast insurgents in their own country. This idea that when Bush says, 'Well, we can't say we're going to pull out in six months because they'll only have to wait six months and a day.' They'll wait a hundred friggin' years if they have to!
  • Let's be honest - this electorate has switched because that Christian right has taken over the Republican Party. They started it in the '80s with Reagan and Pat Robertson. And like a parasite on a host, they now own it… Let's examine what 'moral values' are. Because I don't think religion always corresponds with moral values. To me — and they're very good at conflating morality with religion, just the way George Bush won election by conflating integrity with monogamy. He ran against Bill Clinton and his terrible blowjob by saying, 'I have integrity.' That's different than monogamy. Okay, the same way, when we talk about values, I think of rationality in solving problems. That's something I value. Fairness, kindness, generosity, tolerance. That's different. When they talk about values, they're talking about things like going to church, voting for Bush, being loyal to Jesus, praying. These are not values.
  • Politically, it's always been advantageous to divide people, to make America a place of warmongers versus wimps, elitists versus morons, gun nuts versus people with normal size penises. The only problem is, it's not true. Hollywood isn't your cesspool, America. It's your mirror.
  • I didn't like that he [George W. Bush] lied to get us into this war. I certainly didn't like that it was conducted in such an incompetent way. But now that he's morphed the script from what it was in 2003 to 'I'm the Johnny Appleseed of democracy and we want to bring freedom to the world.' I like that script better, I have to say. I know it was bullshit how we got there. But this script I like better. And it sounds exactly like the script that Carter used to say: human rights, remember that? You can't love it when they said it and hate it when Bush says it. It's the same thing.
  • It seems to me like nowadays there's two kinds of issues in America. There's the kind that's too Byzantine and boring for the average Joe to even know what's going on. You know, the environment and the filibusters and the gerrymandering and what did Tom DeLay do on vacation. And then the really stupid issues that they can understand like Terri Schiavo and gay marriage. And it seems to me the American people have become completely irrelevant.
  • Well, the American public always wanted to vote for a guy — and Bush was the perfect guy — who they'd want to have over for pot-roast. And George Bush is that guy. He does that well. You'd like to have him over for pot-roast. He reminds you of yourself. Okay. Well, now he's been over, he's had the pot-roast. But he's getting drunk and now he's talking about stem cells and Terri Schiavo and gay marriage. And now he's the guest that won't leave.
  • It's been over a year since they graduated, but neither of the Bush twins has been able to find work. Why don't they sign up [for the army]? Do they hate America or just freedom in general?
  • On your watch, we've lost almost all of our allies, the surplus, four airliners, two trade centers, a piece of the Pentagon, and the city of New Orleans. Maybe you're just not lucky! I'm not saying you don't love this country, I'm just wondering how much worse it could be if you were on the other side. So yes, God does speak to you, and what he's saying is, "Take a hint."
    • "Editorial: Recall Bush", Real Time with Bill Maher, 9 September 2005
    • "Editorial: Recall Bush", Bill Maher: New Rules, DVD special features, 11 July 2006
  • New Rule: Stop introducing a new iPod every month. First came the original, then the Mini, then the Shuffle, now the Nano. It's so slim Kate Moss uses it to cut her cocaine.
  • On the third day, when they still hadn't done anything, uh, Fidel Castro — this is not a joke! — stepped forward to offer aid. Fidel Castro had to call a news conference to say, "Some President in this hemisphere must do something." Now, what do you think Rush Limbaugh would have said if Bill Clinton had been President when that happened? He would have said, "This country has been brought so low by Bill Clinton, that Fidel Castro, a Mexican, has had to come forward… And, and by the way, Mexico did send us — another not-joke — bottled water. When you are getting clean water from Mexico, you might be a red-neck President…
  • New rule: If churches don't have to pay taxes, they also can't call the fire department when they catch fire. Sorry reverend, that's one of those services that goes along with paying in. I'll use the fire department I pay for. You can pray for rain.
    • 17 February 2006 (season 7, episode 1), about the church fires that happened a short time before the show.
  • New Rule: Paula Abdul must go back on drugs. "American Idol" will always have a place in my heart. It's where I met Clay. And what could be more exciting than televised karaoke? But everyone knows the show is most entertaining when Paula is thick-tongued and sleepy-eyed and poised on the brink of yelling, "Who wants to do me?!"
  • New Rule: Airplane black boxes must now be made out of Keith Richards. The man, who has taken more drugs than Whitney Houston, Rush Limbaugh and Robert Downey, Jr., combined, recently fell out of a tree, and then crashed a jet ski. And yet, somehow, that cigarette never fell out of his mouth. What is this guy still running on? I've got to know. Because I'm beginning to think the future of medicine isn't injecting stem cells, it's injecting heroin.
  • New Rule: You can't send the National Guard to Iraq and then claim it's still here. The helicopters, the humvees, the men...like Dorothy and Toto, they're not in Kansas anymore. Sorry, Mr. President, but the last documented case of a National Guardsman able to be in two places at one time... was you.
  • If you can look at the war in Iraq, the melting environments and the descent of America into "idiocracy," and still think our biggest problems are boobies during the Super Bowl and the "war on Christmas," then you don't have values, you have issues.
  • Why is monotheistic faith better than polytheistic? I mean, either you believe – if you believe in, like, a magic person who can do magic things, why is it different – so different if it's Superman or the Fantastic Four?
  • They believe in the free market for profit but they want to socialize losses.
    • March 3, 2008; regarding government assistance to banks.
  • Whenever you combine a secretive compound, religion, and weirdos in pioneer outfits, there's gonna be some child fucking going on.
  • If you have a few hundred followers and you let some of them molest children, they call you a cult leader. If you have a billion, they call you Pope.
  • If you think Democrats are going to take away your Bible, you're an idiot. If you think they are going to take away your gun, you're an armed idiot. If you think they're going to take away your gun and give it to a Mexican to kill your God, you're Bill O'Reilly.
  • You know who's bitter in America? I am, because shit-kickers voted twice for a retarded guy they wanted to have a beer with and everybody else had to suffer the consequences.
  • I think they need to move the date of Earth Day because anybody who cares about the earth is still high from 4/20.
  • Now, of course, there's the oft-heard refrain that she's behind in states, behind in the popular vote, and behind in the delegate count. But, I don't buy that, because I'm an American, damn it! And if there are three things I don't believe in, it's quitting and math.
    • April 25, 2008; regarding Hillary Clinton's Presidential campaign
  • And if there is such a thing as karma, let's hope that Sarah Palin comes back as a wolf being shot at from a plane.
  • How is it that in the information age, it's almost impossible to get actual information to the public? That Barack Obama is a Christian, not a Muslim. It's not an opinion, or a controversy. It's an easily verifiable fact. But in the darkness of ignorance there are no facts anymore. Evolution is just a theory. Global warming needs more study. Saddam might have been behind 9/11 and the surge is working! What can't you convince people of just by saying it? John McCain is a cyborg. He's a cyborg made from the spare parts of Freddie Mercury and the stem cells of aborted fetuses. There. I said it. It's true. And you know its true because when I wrote it on the Internet I didn't add 'LOL.' You know, it used to be kind of forgivable to not know anything. Maybe you went to high school in America. Or you watch alot of reality TV. Or you're a Baptist. But, now there's the Internet. And Google. Information is everywhere. You know that computer thing that the Nigerians keep using to get your PIN number? You can also use it to find out stuff! If you think Obama is a Muslim or John McCain has an illegitimate black baby or Obama is that baby ... That's not an opinion. You're just stubbornly uninformed. So let me spell a few things out for you. Is Obama a Muslim? No. He. Isn't. Was Saddam behind September 11th? No. He. Wasn't. And while we're at it: Neither. Was. Bush. How do we know Bush wasn't behind September 11th? Because it worked. AND, it involved: PLANNING.
  • New Rule: When you say you're not comparing someone to Hitler, you're comparing them to Hitler. This week, a Georgia congressman said, "I'm not comparing Obama to Adolf Hitler. What I'm saying is there's the potential of going down that road." Well, Congressman, I'm not comparing your head to a butt-plug, but it does seem to spend a lot of time up your ass.
  • New Rule: Bacon, egg, and cheese between two waffles isn't breakfast, it's a suicide attempt. This is Dunkin' Donuts' new waffle sandwich. You could wait in line for yours or, if you're in a hurry, just snatch the pistol from the cop sitting at the counter and shoot yourself in the head.

[edit] New Rules: October 3, 2008

New Rule: John McCain and Sarah Palin must stop working the "soul mate" angle. You're not Brad and Angelina. You're the "Ghost and Mrs. Muir." Besides, once you cross that line, where does it end? [shot of Biden and Obama looking into each other's eyes]

New Rule: Popes are supposed to love everybody. Pope Benedict has rejected France's new ambassador to the Vatican because he's gay and married to a man. The Pope said it just wouldn't be right to have a homosexual walking around his pretend country--which is run by men in dresses. So, stay away, you nasty, gay French man, or the Vatican guards, in their adorable striped pantaloons, will have their way with you.

New Rule: Celebrity colognes must actually smell like the celebrity. Tim McGraw's new cologne is --quote --"a lush combination of lavender, amber, patchouli and sandalwood. While the actual Tim McGraw is a spicy combination of beef jerky, Pabst Blue Ribbon and WD-40. And make way for the newest celebrity cologne: McCain. With its alluring combination of flop-sweat, creamed corn, and Preparation H.

New Rule: Amy Winehouse must get on that liver transplant list now. I didn't think it was possible but Amy Winehouse is in worse shape than the U.S. economy. How do I know that? Because she's 22 and she looks like Alan Greenspan.

And --and finally, New Rule: You can't be president if you practice a violent Middle Eastern religion and worship a genocidal desert god. Which is why Sarah Palin can't be president.

Now, all the churches that Sarah Palin has attended --and she's been to almost as many churches as she has colleges--have one thing in common: a belief that the Bible is literally true. She's not "Country First," she's "Bible First." And not just the New Testament. That's the happy half of the Good Book: the baby in the manger, Jesus doing magic tricks, long, romantic walks on the water that turn into fishing trips with the guys. And a generally positive message. Jesus, after all, preached love and forgiveness, not shooting wolves from an airplane.

The problem is, "Governor Avon Lady" --she takes the Old Testament literally, too. And in that one, God is an insecure, rage-filled hybrid of Bobby Knight and Suge Knight. He's been alive forever and he has anger issues. He's like John McCain if McCain could fart hail.

He's pro-slavery, pro-polygamy, and homophobic, and he'll kill you for masturbating. More people get stoned in the Old Testament than in my Jacuzzi. Not that I have to tell you guys.

If there was --if there was a video of Barack Obama standing in front of his congregation being healed by a black witch doctor, this election would be over. But there is that video of Sarah Palin.

So, ask your witch doctor if exorcism is right for you.

And, I don't say "witch doctor" because he's black. I say it because when you're rebuking witches, you're a witch doctor. Witch doctor, folks! This is our country. We've got to get it back from the forces of organized superstition!

People like Bush and Palin simply cannot think clearly because they're in a big, scary, brainwashing cult, and it warps their thinking so much that they're actually horny for the end of the world. And that is not someone I want with the nuclear codes. So, remember that video, and remember that Sarah Palin said --and I quote --"I think I will see Jesus come back to earth in my lifetime."

To which I say, "Hasn't Jesus suffered enough?"


[edit] September 26, 2008

New Rule: You cannot attain foreign policy experience by rubbing Henry Kissinger. [slide shown of Sarah Palin with Kissinger] He is a former secretary of state, not Buddha.

New Rule: Next time we get in an enormous financial crisis, the guy we're depending on to get us out of it can't look like Colonel Klink. [slides of Henry Paulson and Colonel Klink] I'm not asking for the world.

New Rule: If men can admit they watch NASCAR for the crashes, women can admit they watch fashion shows to see skinny chicks fall on their ass. Ooh, that one was touchy.

New Rule: Food from China that isn't Chinese food, isn't food. The latest example: tainted Chinese milk. Health experts say fake milk can cause bloating, gas, cramps, vomiting, fatigue, rashes and asthma. Oh, wait, that's real milk. People still not onto the fact that milk is poison. Okay.

New Rule: You can't call it "coming out of the closet" when the door was wide open...[slide of People cover with Clay Aiken and his baby] ...the closet was made of glass, and everyone could see you in there having gay sex. Clay Aiken says he came out because he didn't want to lie to his infant son. Dude, even the baby knew you were gay. I can't wait to see next week's issue of People magazine. [slide of People cover with grizzly bear and headline: "Yes, I Shit in the Woods."]

And finally, New Rule: A candidate for president should not be judged by the color of his skin. And to - and to anyone who thinks differently, I say, please do not reject John McCain just because he's white. I think the recent news from Wall Street has made us all less tolerant, and only reinforced the stereotype that white people are shiftless, thieving welfare queens.

Now, take a look at these pictures. Here are the CEO's of Fannie Mae, Freddie Mac, AIG and the Lehman Brothers. I know the first thing that jumps out about these faces is they all happen to be white, and they all happen to be responsible for stealing. But, what you have to understand is that these whites are a product of a society that made them that way. It was the neighborhoods and the schools they went to: Harvard, Yale, the Wharton School of Business. They never learned the value of doing real, actual work. And the first step to fixing that is better role models so kids growing up white today don't think the only way out of Westchester is corporate crime. Or a government handout. Or sailing. So, I get it. The temptation is to look at McCain and vote against him because you don't see an individual; you just see another typical welfare "whitey." And it's true. He spent his entire life shuffling from one low-paying government job to another. Well, except those years he spent in prison. Typical. And, between you and me, he's not very articulate. Oh, he may have some street smarts, but he's not what you'd call an "educated" man. He freely admits he's ignorant about the economy. And apparently the only thing his white running mate knows how to do is crank out one baby after another.
And now, of course, her teenage is pregnant out of wedlock, because she learns it at home!
But, that doesn't mean we should assume all white people are like that just because so many of them are. I believe there is hope. I believe even the stupidest, greediest, laziest whites can break the cycle of dependence, like this November when we finally move George Bush out of public housing.

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