- Directed by Harry Jakobs. Screenplay by Harry Jakobs. Novel by Evan Keliher.
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- [The school ispectors inspect the guidance counselor at work from her office's window]
- Ms. Simpson: What's your name again?
- Sally Chao: Sally Chao.
- Ms. Simpson: Are you sure you're one of my students?
- Sally Chao: Of course, Ms. Simpson. You've been my couselor ever since I was a freshman.
- Ms. Simpson: Well, I can't be expected to remember everybody! After all, all you black kids look the same, you know...
- Sally Chao: I'm not black! I'm Chinese.
- Ms. Simpson: Ok, Sally. So...how long you've been pregnant?
- Sally Chao: Pregnant...?
- Ms. Simpson: That's right.
- Sally Chao: Ms. Simpson, I'm not pregnant. I came here to find out about a scholarship.
- Ms. Simpson: Don't be silly, Sally. They don't give scholarships for getting pregnant.
- Sally Chao: Ms. Simpson...
- Ms. Simpson: Did you already have that baby?
- Sally Chao: Ms. Simpson, you're not listening. I told you I'm not pregnant! I never have been! I only want to find out about a scholarship for college next year.
- Ms. Simpson: Oh, you want a scholarship, ok. But it's going to be hard going to college with a young baby to look after.
- Sally Chao: Ms. Simpson!
- [The guidance counselor mistakes the inspector Edwin Swimper for someone else and immediately runs over to him]
- Ms. Simpson: Edward!
- Edwin Swimper: See, I told you this place is a madhouse!
- Ms. Simpson: You came back. I never thought you'd come back. You never called, you never wrote. You never came back for your sauce...
- [Ms. Simpson starts cuddling and kissing Edwin Swimper]
- Inspector Beane: [suspiciously] You know this person?
- Norman Relic: [tricks Edwin Swimper by whispering to Beane] Intimately.
- Edwin Swimper: I've never seen her before in my life. Get off me, you're ruining my flower!
- Ms. Simpson: Is that all you can say after all those nights, when I waited for your calls? Get in the bathtub with me, we'll play yogurt...
- Edwin Swimper: Bathtub?! Yogurt?! Ma'am, you must be thinking of someone else!
- Ms. Simpson: [still cuddling Edwin Swimper, she moves her hands around his lower regions] Oh, there's never been anybody else!
- Edwin Swimper: Ah, I'm getting up with my sanity still intact! I have an erection...an inspection to do! I can't stay here! I'm busy! I'm busy!
- [Ms. Simpson pulls Edwin Swimper to the floor with her. Cut to the next scene, he runs away from school as she chases him on the street screaming for him]
Running theme song
- Rebel, Rebel, Rebel High/Rebel, Rebel, Rebel High!
- Wayne Flemming - Norman Relic
- Harvey Berger - Edwin Swimper
- Kevin Fenlon - Inspector Beane
- Unknown (uncredited) actress — The Guidance Counselor Ms. Simpson
- Unknown (uncredited) actress — Sally Chao