Robert Wilton Smith (28 August 1881 – 1 May 1957) was one of the most popular English comedians of the 1930s and 1940s. In his sketches and monologues he usually portrayed work-shy, henpecked husbands or dithering, ineffectual authority figures.
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- Woman: Do come along quick, there's a house on fire.
Fire Chief: A house on fire? Just a moment, lady – what's the address?
Woman: Grimshaw Street.
Fire Chief: Grimshaw Street – Grimshaw ... now wait a minute, I know it as well as can be, and I just can't place it.
Woman: Oh come along, it's only just round...
Fire Chief: No, no, no – don't tell me, let me try and think of it for myself. Grimshaw St–... oh, isn't that annoying, I could walk straight to it, and I can't think of it.
- The Fire Chief
- He said "I'll punch your head!" I said "Whose?" He said "Yours!"
I said "Mine?" He said "Yes!" I said "Oh?"
He said "Want a fight?" I said "Who?" He said "You!"
I said "Me?" He said "Yes!" I said "No!"
So we then came to words, he said "You're a cad!"
I said "Cad?" He said "Yes!" I said "Who?"
He said "Who?" I said "Yes." He said "You!" I said "Oh!"
So of course then I knew.
- Back Answers
- The day war broke out, my Missus said to me – she looked at me and she said, "What good are you?"
- "Well," she said, "All the young fellas'll be getting called up and you'll have to go back to work!"
Ooh – she's got a cruel tongue!
- She said,"What are you supposed to do?"
I said, "I'm supposed to stop Hitler's army landing."
She said, "What! – you?"
I said, "No – there's Charlie Evans, Dick Roberts...I said, "There's seven or eight of us, altogether." I said, "We're in a group." I said, "We're on guard in a little hut behind the Dog and Pullet."
She said, "What's the good of being in a little hut behind the Dog and Pullet?" She said, "I suppose that was your idea!"
I said, "Aye, and that Charlie Evans wants to claim it as his!"
- She said, "Do you know this Hitler? Have you ever met him?"
I said, "Do I – of course I don't!"
She said, "Well how are you going to know which is him if they do land?"
I said, "Well, I've got a tongue in my head, haven't I?"