Sabrina, the Teenage Witch
Sabrina, the Teenage Witch, based on characters from the comic book series Sabrina, the Teenage Witch (created by Archie Comics), first aired on ABC in 1996. It ran for seven seasons, ending in April 2003.
Shortly before her sixteenth birthday, Sabrina is sent to live her aunts, Hilda and Zelda, who tell her that she is a witch with magical powers that she must learn to control. Far from making her life easier, her magic usually only gets her in trouble, especially when she was influenced in casting the spell by the Spellmans' talking cat, Salem Saberhagen, a former warlock who still dreams of world domination.
(Zelda hands a birthday present to Sabrina.)
Zelda: I hope you don’t already have one.
Sabrina opens up the box excitedly and pulls out what’s within.
Sabrina: A black pot? Actually I don’t. Thanks.
Zelda: It’s a cauldron.
Sabrina: Wow, even better. I can, um, put my pens in it.
Zelda: That’s not what it’s for. Sabrina, we have something to tell you. You see there are two realms, the natural and the supernatural and it turns out the immutable laws of physics...
Hilda: (Interrupting) You're a witch.
Zelda: Now you're not alone. I’m a witch, Hilda’s a witch, your father’s a witch.
Sabrina: (Sceptical) And I suppose my mom’s a witch too?
Hilda: I always thought so.
Mr. Pool: I’m Mr. Pool. (coughs) And I know you were hoping I was going to spend the day mispronouncing your names, but instead lets jump straight into biology, huh?
Edward (in magic book): We have to talk young lady, open me up this instant!
Sabrina: No! I don’t want to talk to a book. Oh God, I’m talking to a book.
Sabrina: I’m a witch and I still have to go to school?
Sabrina: Unfair. Hey, maybe I’ll turn Mr. Pool into...a better teacher
Hilda: (Interrupting and pointing) Now! Now! Be careful pointing your finger at people, it could be way too dangerous.
Sabrina: You're pointing at me, so isn't that dangerous?
Hilda: I have the safety on of course.
Sabrina: I hate being a witch!! I just turned the most popular girl in school into A PINEAPPLE!
Sabrina: Because it’s the only thing you taught me how to do!
Hilda: Relax, I can fix this.(takes the pineapple and grabs a knife) Chunks or rings?
Zelda: Hilda! There are other ways.
Libby: You did something to me, you sent me somewhere. It was small and it smelled like Hawaii.
Zelda: You can appeal to the Witches Council but they only grant time reversal in extreme cases.
Hilda: Like for two months, a bunny ruled all of England.
Sabrina: Woo-hoo! I’m normal! Gotta go tell the cat.
Sabrina: Hey, it worked! I pulled a rabbit out of a hat.
Rabbit: Hey, put me back! My wife Renée is about to give birth.
Sabrina: Oh sorry.
Hilda: Relax, that happens a lot with rabbits.
Zelda: Every time he makes a date with Hilda, he breaks it.
Hilda: He did that once or twice, or maybe a thousand times but may I remind you that every time that Drell has canceled he has always sent me a lovely token of his affection.
Zelda: Yeah, he always sends a pot-roast.
Sabrina: A pot-roast?
Hilda: Flowers wilt! Say it with beef.
Jenny: I think Libby and her friends are talking about us.
Sabrina: No they’re not. Don’t be so paranoid Jenny.
Jenny: Paranoid? They’re pointing at us and laughing.
Sabrina: Oh, you're right. Well, just ignore them... Are they still doing it?
Harvey (to Sabrina and Jenny): Hey, I’m going to the pizza place tomorrow night to force down eight slices, do you guys wanna watch?
(Libby and C C come down the hallway.)
Libby: Hi Jenny, hi Sabrina.
(They walk on giggling together)
Sabrina: Hey, is there something funny about our names?
Libby: Not Jenny’s.
Jenny: Everything Libby says is a lie.
Sabrina: Hey, maybe we can retaliate by spreading lies about her.
Jenny: What can we say? That she’s actually nice and sweet?
Sabrina: (Reading) 'Jiffy Truth, one hundred percent refined truth, trace amounts of harsh reality. For best results, sprinkle on something sweet as the truth can be bitter.'
Hilda: It is great stuff, it makes you reveal your true feelings. Oh, which reminds me: Zelda, the postman has a crush on you.
Libby: Harvey, you would not believe what I just heard. Okay, I’ll tell you. That’s not Sabrina’s real nose.
Harvey: It’s not?
Libby: Don’t you get it? She had surgery.
Harvey: Why? What’s wrong?
Libby: Never mind.
Mrs. Bogzigian: Get your pans. Now, did you know that Richard Nixon’s favorite snack food was the Bundt? Oh, he’d eat it secretly, and then deny it, but if you listen closely to those tapes...
Guidance Counselor: Let me give you the truth, Ricky. You kids come in here and talk about your futures, your dreams—but what about me? You think I wanted to be a guidance counselor? Heck no, I was born to play the blues. (takes out harmonica and sings) I got no future and neither do you, your SAT scores are four-thirty-two. Welcome to loserville!
Principal Larue (over PA system): Attention students, this is Principal Larue. I just wanted to announce that as soon as I finish this yummy bundt cake, I’m going to the movies, like I do every Friday afternoon—and I’m payin’ for my popcorn with petty cash. Thank you.
Hilda: Okay, which look do you think Drell will like better, tough chick or...damsel in distress?. Tough chick or...damsel in distress?
Zelda: Isn’t there something in the middle?
Hilda: Like a tough chick in distress?...Ooh, I like it.
Zelda: I hate it. Oh why don’t you just wear what you wore last time Drell stood you up?
Hilda: He is not going to stand me up...Were you cooking something, Zelda?
Zelda: Oh no! Drell did it again. He sent you a... half a pot-roast?
Hilda: That just means he’s going to be a little late. He’s so thoughtful.
Jenny: So this is nice, just the two of us.
Harvey: Yeah, no Sabrina. It’s great.
Jenny: It is?
Harvey: Sure, now we can order onions. Sabrina hates onions.
Sabrina: I lied to you when I said I didn’t mind Harvey and you coming here alone. I do mind and I know you guys might be soul mates but...
Jenny: We’re not soul mates.
Sabrina: You're not?
Jenny: No. I mean, Harvey's really cute and he’s really nice, but you can’t build a life on that.
Sabrina: I’d be willing to give it a shot.
Harvey: (Calling over) Are you guys talking about me?
Harvey: Come talk about me over here.
Hilda: I’m standing Drell up! I’m going to give him a taste of his own pot-roast.
Zelda: Oh Hilda, that’s perfect! Those self help books are really paying off.
Hilda: I know. Now walk me to my bedroom before I change my mind.
Salem: Oh, I wish my fur had an elastic waist band...
Zelda: Sabrina, you should never be embarrassed by the truth.
Sabrina: Oh yeah? Then why did you change out of your dress?
Principle Larue (over PA system): Attention students, this is the real Principle Larue. Last Friday some prankster broke into my office and impersonated me. I, of course, was at the district office all day working to make your school a better place. Thank you. (feedback) Do you think they bought that? Huh? Oh no!
The True Adventures of Rudy Kazootie
Mr. Pool: You have the test, you may commence failing.
Harvey: Mitosis is...? Mitosis is...?
'Mr. Pool: Great game, huh Harvey?
Harvey: Yeah, wasn’t it freaky?
Mr. Pool: Freaky? You want freaky? Randy Travis came to parents' night. Have you met Sabrina’s father? He’s pretty freaky too.
Mr. Pool: Get back to your test then.
Harvey: Mitosis is...? Mitosis is...?
(When Sabrina and Salem go into the kitchen and see the baby she's watching)
Sabrina: Okay, now what do I do about this?
Salem: Dear lord! You picked up a guy at the bus station!
Sabrina: No, it’s the baby I’m baby-sitting for. He’s fourteen months old, something happened to him.
Salem: Do I smell teen witchery?
Sabrina: Salem you’ve gotta help me. We’ve gotta change him back before his parents come home and prosecute.
Salem: What do you want me to do? I’m a cat, go talk to your aunts.
Sabrina: They’re at my school, I can’t bring him there. Can you watch him?
Salem: I suppose...
Sabrina:' Thanks, I owe you one.
Rudy: (When Sabrina puts Salem on the table) Horsey! Ride Horsey!
Salem: Get him off me! Get him off of me!
Sabrina: I’ve found all kinds of great stuff. It’s er, not brand name but I’m sure it tastes fine.
(She hands over a selection of candies and puts some cans of soda on the coffee table.)
Harvey: (Reading the wrappers) ‘Schnickers’? ‘N and N’s’? ‘Butterthumb’? Where do these people shop?
Sabrina: I don’t know, but if you're thirsty there’s ‘Popsi’
Harvey: Do they have ‘You-hoo’?
Sabrina: No, but they have ‘Hey, over here’
Harvey: I think I’ll just have a diet Popsi.
Mr. Pool: Welcome parents', I’m Mr. Pool. You may look at me, a man in his prime, and wonder why is he teaching high school biology. Well it’s because I believe that science is the foundation upon which we build our future. That and I tanked my MCAT’s...
Sabrina: Salem, what are you doing?
Salem: Er... nothing.
Sabrina: It looks like you're playing with a ball of yarn.
Salem: I have urges, Sabrina.
Sabrina: Look, can we deal with your issues later, I’ve got a bigger problem.
Salem: My yarn!
(After Sabrina and her aunts arrive in Drell's office)
Drell: Sabrina, why don’t we begin by you explaining to us why we’re here?
Sabrina: I don’t know.
Drell: Stop me if something sounds familiar. Athletic injury, fixed election, altered immutable laws of physics.
Sabrina: Oh that.
Hilda: You didn’t?!
Sabrina: I was just trying to help people.
Drell: "Help" is a four letter word, like "Dumb" and "Move". Am I right?
Sabrina: Well, first all the people I helped were happy but now only one is and he’s happy enough for all three of them though. So...
Drell: (Interrupting) Now, I should explain to you that when I say "Am I right?", IT’S A RHETORICAL QUESTION! Because I’m always right.
Sabrina: Salem, you're back. How was jail?
Salem: Not bad, there’s a guy in solitary convinced Alan Derchowitze appeared to him as a talking cat. I told him I’d call the governor and plead his innocence.
Sabrina: See? I told you it was nice to help people.
Salem: Are you kidding? I’m not calling.
(After Mr. Pool has lost his knowledge of how to make gold)
Sabrina: Mr. Pool, do you have a minute?
Mr. Pool: Yes, a lifetime of them. And they are suddenly going by very slowly.
Libby: I don’t think so. Come on Harvey, let’s hit the floor.
Harvey: Actually Libby, I don’t dance.
Libby: Excuse me? This is a dance, guess what we do here?
Harvey: Well you see for me, dance is sort of a metaphor.
Libby: For what?
Harvey: I don’t know, something else?
Harvey: Do you wanna head over to the Slicery and to play a little foozball?
Sabrina: (In a very cheerful voice) Yeah, I love foozball! Sorry, I've been hanging out with Chad too long...
Third Aunt from the Sun
Hilda: (to Sabrina) How can you choose the Pleasure Dome over High School? Wait, that didn't come out right!
Zelda: Thank goodness that she left. Now we can talk about the first millisecond after the big bang. See I think-
Ethan: (Interrupting her) LOVE ME!
Ethan: I’m sorry. It’s just that we finally get rid of your weird sister and all you can talk about is the big bang? I came here tonight hoping for more than science. I wanted you to look into my eyes and see something other than rods and cones. I love you Zelda. Don’t you realize that?
Zelda: You never said anything.
Ethan: I’ve been playing footsie with you all night!
Zelda: That was you?! I thought it was the cat!
Geek Like Me
Sabrina: Libby caught me coming out of Science Club.
Zelda: You went to Science Club? Oh that’s wonderful.
Sabrina: No, it’s not. Now Libby thinks I’m a complete geek.
Hilda: I knew this would happen; it’s Zelda’s influence. I begged you to watch TV with me so you’d be normal.
Zelda: Oh, be quiet!
Sweet and Sour Victory
Zelda: What's all the noise?
Hilda: Everything okay?
Sabrina: No! My trophy won't shut up.
Hilda: Well just tell it to... Huh?
Sabrina: It keeps calling me names. I don't know what's happening.
Zelda: I take it you decided to compete in Kung Fu?
Trophy: Yeah and she won. Cheater!
Zelda: That explains it. The trophy is speaking your guilty conscience.
Sabrina: You told me to decide for myself, and I did!
Trophy: And you decided wrong.
Sabrina: How do I get it to stop yapping?
Hilda: Well, you could put a teeny weeny sock in his mouth, or you could clear your conscience.
Sabrina: (to the trophy) OK, I was gonna run you under hot water but now you get nothing.
A Girl and Her Cat
Sabrina: Salem, were you in my closet again?
Salem: Yeah, so?
Sabrina: You ruined my favorite Christmas sweater!
Salem: Yeah, so?
Sabrina: It meant a lot to me!
Salem: Then you shouldn’t have hidden your diary under it.
Sabrina: You were reading my diary again?
Salem: Yes and it’s duller than dish water...
Zelda: Stop it you two! It’s Christmas eve and I don’t want anymore arguing. Salem, you owe Sabrina an apology.
(Salem says nothing)
Salem: I’m thinking of how to word it.
Hilda: Try ‘I’m sorry’
Salem: Somehow that just doesn’t feel right.
Sabrina: Forget it, I don’t have time for this. I’ve gotta meet Harvey at The Slicery but now I’ve gotta change thanks to you.
Salem: Er, since you thanked me, can I ask a favor?
Sabrina: Excuse me cat? You want a favor?
Salem: Yeah. Can I tag along to The Slicery? I’ve got a touch of cabin fever and I'd really like to....
Sabrina: (Interrupting) Are you insane? I wouldn’t bring you to The Slicery if you were the last person-slash-cat on Earth! (Storms off)
Salem: Man, what’s her problem?
Hilda: You are so self centred, even for a cat.
(Thinking of a way to get Salem home)
Sabrina: Can we focus? Okay we have five witches and a newt, we should be able to do something?
Hilda: I’ve got it; We all hide inside a giant wooden horse!
Zelda: Hmm, that worked so well the last time.
Sabrina: What if I use my magic to pop into the house and grab Salem?
Zelda: Too risky, if the little boy sees you you're caught. How will you explain it?
Sabrina: I wouldn’t, I’d just knock him down and run out of there as fast as I could.
Hilda: Oh good plan! (Zelda pokes her in her ribs) Bad plan.
Trial By Fury
Hilda: What’s going on? I heard an explosion! Oh, you're just making soup.
Sabrina: No, I’m stirring up a little revenge for Mr. Rothwell.
Hilda: What happened?
Sabrina: It was so humiliating. He made me take the test in front of the whole class.
Hilda: Like some sort of zoo monkey?
Sabrina: Yeah. (With sign language) Co-Co hate teacher man! (Back to acting normal) Anyway I know I flunked. So I’m giving him an expanding butt until I can find the perfect revenge spell.
Mr. Rothwell: There were fifteen questions. The first five were worth forty points, the next five worth forty-five and the last five were worth fifteen. Sabrina got two of the biggies, three of the middies and one of the babies for a grand total of forty-five points. What percent of a hundred?
Hilda: Oh! I-er... Fifteen questions. One hundred points. Thirty-two. I have no idea!
Mr. Rothwell: Forty-five percent! Jeez, no wonder she failed.
Hilda: Oh! But I didn’t have a chance to study for this meeting.
(Opening the bedroom door)
Jenny: Sabrina? (Walks over to Salem and pats his head when she notices him) Hey kitty, do you know where the linen closet is?
Jenny: I know it’s snooping, but all that talk about towels made me wanna check theirs out. (Walks over to the nearest door)
Jenny: I found it! (Opens the closet and goes inside)
Salem: Meow! (Sabrina comes up the stairs) MEOW!
Sabrina: What’s up Salem? (As the linen closet sends Jenny to the Other Realm)
Salem: Jenny just got sent to the Other Realm.
Sabrina: You're kidding! (Opens the door to see if Jenny is still there)
Salem: No, and I’m glad. Now everything can go back to normal.
(After going through limbo)
Sabrina: I don’t see Jenny.
Hilda: Good, ‘cause I see Drell.
Drell: Oh, hi ladies. Glad you didn’t catch me doing anything silly.
Hilda: Er, actually we were just looking for someone.
Zelda: But she doesn’t seem to be here, so we’re sorry to disturb you.
Drell: Wait! Maybe I, er, have seen her. Is her name Jenny?
Drell: Does she have green eyes?
Drell: Is she a vegetarian?
Drell: Does she have a segmented body and ears on her thorax?
Drell: Wanna bet? (Pulls out a jar with Jenny as a grasshopper in it)
Rulebearer: Mortals without concious knowledge of the realm may walk in and out of it freely
Zelda: But Jenny already has concious knowledge
Sabrina: So we get rid of the concious part
Hilda: We knock her out?
Sabrina Through the Looking Glass
Sabrina: Great. Great, great, great, great. (Zelda, Hilda and Salem look at her funny) I was being sincere!
Salem: Orioles? I didn’t know you were a baseball fan.
Hilda: I’m not, I’m a Brady Anderson fan. He is hot, I love those side-burns.
Salem: Yeah, I may be a house pet but I totally see it...
Hilda: Oh, I know what I want; Flan! (conjures some up) It’s so wiggly!
Salem: I don’t know whether to eat it, or attack it.
Zelda: Now, we'll empty our minds.
Hilda: That, I can do.
Salem: (Seeing Sabrina's wart) Who's your new friend?
Hilda and Zelda: The Teenage Years
- Sabrina: Are you kidding? I’d love to meet the Violent Femmes. When? Where?
- Harvey: Well they’ll be signing CD’s at Music City in Boston tonight at midnight.
- Sabrina: Midnight! That’s perfect. I have no conflicting plans. But I still have to ask my aunts.
- Harvey: Just tell them what I told my parents. It’s an astrology field trip.
- Sabrina: Don’t you mean astronomy?
- Harvey: Wow, they’re paying even less attention than I thought.
- Sabrina: This’ll be so much fun. You, me and the Violent Femmes.
- Libby: (Turing around from the next table) You’re going to see the Violent Femmes?
- Harvey: Yeah.
- Libby: You have to let me come with you. (Moves to sit down by Sabrina) I will do anything to meet Gordon Gano. You know I hate this word but... Please? The more the merrier.
- Sabrina: (After Harvey gives her a look) All right, you can come.
- Libby: Thanks! This is so great. I love the Violent Femmes.
- Gordie: (Overhearing their conversation) You’re going to see the Violent Femmes? Can I come too? (He sits at their table beside Harvey)
- Libby: No! Jeez Gordie, you can’t just invite yourself along.
- Sabrina: I thought you just said ‘The more the merrier’?
- Libby: Twist my words, why don’t you.
- Harvey: Look. It’s my car and I say any Femmes fan is welcome. So Gordie, you’re in.
- Gordie: Cool!
- Harvey: Cool!
- Sabrina: Cool!
- Libby: Shotgun!
- Harvey: You have to let us in. I mean talk about Violent Femmes. If they don’t meet the band there will be four extremely violent femmes, and I’m the one who has to drive them all back to Westbridge along with one love-sick dude. Do not make me do that. You know what I’m saying, you’ve been there right?
- Door guard: Hartford, Led Zeppelin, 1973. Go on in
Harvey: Hey, Sabrina.
Sabrina: Louis the fifteenth.
Harvey: No. What are you doing over vacation?
Sabrina: Oh, I’m going skiing with my aunts.
Harvey: Out West?
Sabrina: Actually...North. How about you?
Harvey: I’ll be here. In fact I was hoping you’d be here too so maybe we could do stuff.
Sabrina: Really? I wish I had known. I love doing stuff.
- Sabrina: Salem, what are you doing?
- Salem: Nothing!
- Sabrina: You’re in a chat-room again pretending to be a woman aren’t you?
- Salem: I like the attention
- Harvey: Oh! I’ll grab the cat. We can make him chase the light reflected off my watch.
- Sabrina: No! Er... He’s not allowed in the living room. Very bad shedding problem.
- Harvey: Really?
- Sabrina: Better if he just stays here and minds his own business.
(They leave through to the living room.)
- Salem: (To himself) Like I don’t have anything better to do than spy on her. Wait! I don’t
- Sabrina: I passed why is Harvey still a frog?
- Zelda: There's one final detail. To change him back you have to return to the scene of the kiss and kiss him again.
- Sabrina: I have to kiss a frog? That is so gross!
- Zelda: Teenagers, they'll jump through flames but ask em to kiss a frog...
Sabrina: Wow! Awesome photo of Elijah Wood!
Nana: Oh he’s my little honey.
Sabrina: You know him?
Nana: Noah Wyle introduced us.
Sabrina: You know Noah Wyle!
Nana: Only through Christian Slater.
Sabrina: I love Christian Slater! How do you know these people?
Nana: Well when you get to be my age you know just about everybody.
Hilda: I’ll take that as a compliment. So how was your date with Rick?
Zelda: Oh, not so good. I’m starting to feel really weird about the age difference. I mean normally I don’t care about these things but Rick keeps bringing up stuff that makes me feel old.
Hilda: Like what?
Zelda: Oh he keeps talking about how he can’t wait for the turn of the century. Big deal, I’ve done that five times!
The Great Mistake
Sabrina : I can't believe this, I'm missing The Smashing Pumpkins!
Salem : Bummer T. Jones III.
Sabrina: Whoa! Do you know what's just dawned on me? You guys had lives before I got here. This is amazing, we have a lot of catching up to do. So, were you ever kids?
Hilda: Yes, although it was back in the fourteenth century. There were no phones, no TV's, things were very different
Hilda: Oh no, she's gone again.
Sabrina: No I'm not, I'm on the bed.
Hilda: How'd you get over here?
Sabrina: Salem carried me in his mouth.
Salem: It took all my self control not to eat her.
Witch Cop: Does this belong to you?
Hilda: Sabrina, what's going on?
Witch Cop: I caught her over Brooklyn flying with a full bag and trailing a lot of dust. That warrants an emissions citation but when I attempted to pull her over she took off.
Sabrina: I was looking for a well lit area
- Teacher: Nobody had a witch card. Every single card said towns person. I didn't create the witches, you did.
Sabrina: Harvey, climb up my hair!
Harvey: You're okay with that?
Sabrina: Yeah, just don't split any ends.
Zelda: I couldn't help but notice your jacket. Who is the Termite King?
Harvey: My Dad. That's his company.
Zelda: Which would make you the Termite Prince!
Harvey: And that's why I'm leaving the area when I go to college.
Stuart: Stuart Clarkson here. You have a legal emergency?
Sabrina: A troll has asked for my hand in marriage.
Stuart: Did you sign a contract?
Stuart: Did you read the contract?
Stuart: Have a nice wedding.
Sabrina Gets Her License (Part 1)
Sabrina: Is it time for the test?
Quiz master: Are you kidding? You are not ready. This is a warning. You haven't cracked this hand. I mean, not even the knuckles. Hey, I liked that one.
Hilda: Let me guess, you failed your first try?
Sabrina: I'll get it next time.
Zelda: I'm sure you will. But unfortunately, there's a penalty.
Sabrina: No dessert?
Sabrina Gets Her License (Part 2)
Sgt. Slater: Spellman, Spellman... Why is that name so familiar? Hilda Spellman... Hilda Thorn-In-My-Side Spellman! Don't tell me you're related to Hilda Spellman?
Salem: Give me five! (Sabrina holds up her hand)
Salem: (looks at his paw) I can't!
Sgt. Slater: Unauthorized leave. Upsetting a fellow recruit. De-activating your De-activator. Feeding a canine officer a non-food substance.
Sabrina: Hey. He picked that fight, not me.
Sgt. Slater: Oh yeah? That’s not what he said.
Sabrina: I’ve got to get this de-activator off.
Salem: I’ll pick it with my dew-claw. It’s essentially the same lock that’s on your diary
Hilda: I’m so glad we spent our small fortune on a briefcase.
Salem: So fire it up and whip me up some hospital grade catnip.
Dummy For Love
Valerie: You'll never guess who just asked me out! Kirk!
Sabrina: Should I still guess?
Cupid: Look, I have to be honest with you. It’s more than that, it’s against my principles.
Salem: Is it because I’m a cat and she’s a woman?
Cupid: No it’s because you're a cat and she’s Sherry Lewis.
Salem: But I could make her so happy. Besides she’s gotta be tired of that whiny lamb. Not even a lamb, it’s a sock!
Cupid: You sicken me.
Salem: Get a real job... and some pants.
Witch Yenta: I have to go. I have to meet someone...
Zelda: Your old boyfriend?
Witch Yenta: No, my therapist
Hilda: She seems so happy. Oh, remember how we used to stay up Friday nights telling each other about our dates?
Zelda: We haven’t done that in ages.
Hilda: I know. We haven’t done that in ages because we haven’t had dates in ages.
Zelda: Oh well, at least we have each other. Oh my heavens! I’m living with my sister! I've gotta call that yenta!
Hilda: I remember the first time a boy gave me a star... Next thing I knew three wise men were at the door.
A Doll's Story
Valerie: I was just invited to a party.
Sabrina: At seven o’clock?
Valerie: Well I wasn’t exactly invited but people saw me hear about it and didn’t warn me to keep away. D’ya wanna come?
Sabrina: Gee I’d love to, since they went to so much trouble not to ban us, but I can’t. I’m baby-sitting my little cousin.
(Amanda and Salem are playing on the see-saw. She is gently pushing Salem up and down)
Amanda: UP... and down... and UP... and down... and UP... and down... and UP...!
(Pushes her end of the see saw sharply, catapulting Salem across the room)
Salem: I HATE MY LIFE!!!!
Sabrina, the Teenage Boy
Zelda: I wish you would learn that it’s never a good idea to turn yourself into a boy.
Hilda: Oh, there was no harm done! Except for those four cheese-steaks I ate.
Salem: FREEZE! Don’t squirt that perfume unless you want to be a boy who gets beaten up.
Sabrina: Man, that was close.
Salem: It’s not enough to look like a dude, you have to start thinking like a dude. Have you picked a name yet?
Salem: We’re back to getting beaten up here...
A River of Candy Corn Runs Through It
Hilda: I am so glad. I hate flying during the holidays. The traffic getting back from the Universe is always vacuum to vacuum.
Sabrina: You mean Halloween might actually be fun this year? Not that Grandpa’s game of "Find My Teeth" isn’t without it’s charms...
Harvey: My mom and dad say I’ve got to take my little brother and his friends trick or treating.
Sabrina: You're kidding! Did they just spring this on you?
Harvey: Yeah! They just now reminded me that they told me about it two weeks ago.
Valerie: How do we get to be friends with those guys?
Sabrina: I think we’d have to fill in a form. Do you know what I’d say to Asher if he talked to me?
Sabrina: (Weakly) Hello.
Valerie: That would take guts
Salem: A couch who's allergic to cats? Finally, someone whose life is more pathetic than mine!
(Hilda and Zelda are meditating and the phone rings)
Zelda: I hear bells... Have I reached Nirvana?
Hilda: It's the phone...
Hippie Driver: Did that cat just talk? Or am I picking up his thoughts telepathically?
Salem: You're right. You can read my mind. And now you're sensing my great need to stop in Philadelphia for a cheese-steak.
Hippie Driver: I’m communicating with animals! This is so radical.
Salem: Just drive, Woodstock boy.
Great Grandma: Oh Racine, I know you're unhappy but it was fair. Now Hilda and Zelda got the magic book and you got what you chose: all my money.
Sabrina: They got all of great grandma’s money?
Hilda: Yep, and they bought a mansion and a Jet, and several butlers.
Zelda: Don’t forget tiaras for Maw Maw.
Hilda: And then all the money was gone.
Racine: We didn’t just spend it, we invested some of it.
Boyd: Yeah, who knew chihuahua racing wouldn’t take off.
Hilda: Ah everyone?
Racine: Lord have mercy, look at the number of towels. Boyd: It’s like there’s one towel for each person
To Tell a Mortal
Sabrina: Why didn't you guys tell me that there's a rule that on Friday the 13th I can tell a mortal I'm a witch? Hilda: Oh the one where you can tell anyone you want and they can know for a whole twenty-four hours? Sabrina: Yes. Zelda: We didn't want you to know.
Oh What a Tangled Spell She Weaves
Hilda: You really have to get it exactly right the first time, otherwise there may be side effects. I remember one time I was making rum balls and I got tired, so I made a make everything round spell. Well let's just say you can thank me for Columbus Day.
Sabrina: So I can’t decide whether I shoot for (a) The computer and the mountain bike, (b) The computer and the ski jacket or, (c) All of the above. Harvey: Boy, I’d hate to be there if you got a savings bond
Little Big Kraft
Mrs. Quick: Mr. Kraft, the students need lunch and they need it now. Mr. Kraft: (Digging into his pocket) Well, I have two roles, a jaw breaker, (He pulls the gum from his mouth and holds it up.) and some ABC gum and I’m willing to share.
Five Easy Pieces of Libby
Libby: Well I’ll be using me as shorthand for us. I’ve already got the floral design in my head. Sabrina: Oh, well I’m glad your butt is working. Oh I’ll be using butt as shorthand for your head.
Finger Lickin' Flu
- Sabrina: I'm too weak to lie, I didn't wear my mittens.
- Mounty: Freeze
- Hilda: As if we can do anything ELSE in this weather
- Mounty: Before I let you go, I have to ask you a few questions about the Mortal Realm to prove you live there - standard procedure
- Zelda: Fire away! I DO have three P.h.D's!!
- Mounty: What are the names of the Hanson brothers?
- Zelda: Who??
- Hilda: Isaac, Zachary and Taylor
- Mounty: What actor from Marcus Wellby just married Barbara Streisand?
- Zelda: Ooh, ooh... Robert Young!
- Hilda: James Brolin
- Mounty: Sports. Who's the best ----
- Hilda: ...Michael Jordan!
- Mounty: Correct, you can go!
- Hilda: Yes!! (Hi-fives Zelda, both attempt to leave)
- Mounty: (holding Zelda back) Oh, not you
- Zelda: But -- but, but...
- Mounty: You didn't answer one question, there's no WAY you live in the Mortal Realm
- Zelda: But I DO! I know who wrote Pride & Prejudice! I know who discovered the Uranium Isotope!
- Mounty: No one in the Mortal Realm knows those things!
- Zelda: (being dragged off by Mounty) HILDAAA!!!
- Hilda: I'll help you Zelda, go back to the bar and wait for me - you'll be Okay! Tonight's ladies' night and... you'll be the only lady!
Salem the Boy
- Sabrina: Salem?
- Salem (as Gordy): Speaking. Man, standing rocks!
- Sabrina: Well, that was really nice of you to ask Valerie out. Well, to get Gordy to ask Val- Well, whatever just happened was really nice.
- Salem: I thought I might in service while I'm here. It's just my way of saying (rubbing his head on Sabrina's shoulder) thank you, thank you, thank you.
- Sabrina (before being thrown to the lions during Rome's national anthem): Hey, it's Rolan and Salem.
- Zelda: Thank Zeus!
- Rolan: I'm sorry I ducked out on you, but I had to talk Charlie Powermooger out of taking down Microsoft.
- Salem: I couldn't resist power, (weeping) but I'm weak. I'm sorry, Sabrina. I didn't want to hurt you; I just wanted to rule you. (Sabrina makes a weird face; Salem faces the Witch Judge) Your Honor, I'm ready to be a cat again.
- Witch Judge: Sabrina, once again, you dodged the bullet (Sabrina smiles) That´s the name of the lion, "Bullet"
- Sabrina: Thank you guys! If you´re excuse me I think I´m gonna faint... (she faints)
- Hilda: (To Caligula) No! She doesn´t need mouth to mouth!
The Big Sleep
- Salem: (refering to Mr. Tobias) Let's destroy everything that's dear to him. Let's indoctrinate him into the cathedral of agony.
- Zelda: I'm going to write him a very stern letter.
- Salem: You're a regular Mad Max aren't you.
- Annabelle: Who better to be my maid of honor than the person who fixed the rift between my daddy and me?
- Sabrina: Well besides a sister, college roommate or life long friend I can't think of anyone.
The four Faces of Sabrina ===
Harvey: I'm gonna leave you on the dance floor looking like a fool!
You Can't Twin
- Zelda: Mother's maiden name?
- Sabrina: Becker.
- Hilda: Favorite dessert that doesn't involve chocolate?
- Sabrina: There isn't one. How long is this going to go on?
- Zelda: Until we make absolutely sure you're the real Sabrina.
- Hilda: Say "Woo hoo."
- Sabrina: Woo hoo.
- Salem: Imposter! J'accuse!
- Sabrina: Back off furball or I'm gonna tell aunt Zelda about the time I caught you in her langerie drawer trying on her lacy red...
- Salem: It's Sabrina!
- Jezebelda: Well well well, look what the cat dragged in.
- Katrina: It's horrible to see you too.
- Jezebelda: Did you gain a little weight?
- Katrina: Did your legs get skinnier?
- Jezebelda: Is that a whisker coming out of your chin?
- Katrina: Is that a chin coming out of your other chin?
- Jezebelda: Lord I missed you girl.
- Katrina: I missed you too. (they hug)
- Roxie: (after finding Katrina posing as Sabrina reading her diary) How far did you read?
- Katrina: Far enough to know you had a dream about Miles last night.
- Miles: Really?
- Roxie: Don't get too excited. You were dead.
Tick-Tock Hilda's Clock
(Doctor pulls clock out of Hilda's stomach)
- Hilda:Wow,you'd think I'd remember swallowing that.
- Hilda:I hate doctors! They poke you and ask if that hurts. Well duh it hurts! You just poked me!
Love is a Many Complicated Thing
- Roxie: Miles tell her that Valentines day is nothing more than a bogus holiday engineered by the greeting card industry.
- Miles: In cahoots with the flower companies and candy manufacterers. I have a hunch the Trilateral Commision is also involved.
- Sabrina: That's so cute I never realized how much you two have in common.
Harvey: Salem invited me. He said there would be food and fireworks.
Salem: I have lighted the fuse. Now I just have to wait for the kapowie! Mwahawhaw
Morgan: So, you're in the nuclear biz? I once dated a guy named Adam, but then we split!
Shirley (Aaron's mother): (To Aaron) I like her. I like her a lot. Even more than Brenda.
Sabrina: Thank you. (To Aaron) Who’s Brenda?
Aaron: Oh, no one. No one important.
Shirley: His last fiancé.
Lights change to spotlights
All but Sabrina: Harmony, Harmony, Gosh we're feeling' swell....
Sabrina: I guess the musical notes on the label should have tipped me off. Well, at least we're not arguing anymore.
All but Sabrina: Harmony, Harmony, Gosh we're feeling' swell! Harmony, harmony, this is going' oh so well!
Aaron's mother: Imagine my delight/ to meet you here tonight/ and endlessly enumerate the reasons you're not right! My boy says you're the one/ when all is said and done/ you simply are not good enough to wed my perfect son!
Aaron: It steams me seeing Harvey standing next to you. It seems that Harvey's more than just an ex to you.
Sabrina: (spoken) Oh yeah? [takes a bite of crab cake with Harmony salt, sings] I love the ring but hey/ I'd love to hear you say/ how many other fiances you've dumped along the way!
Morgan: Harmony, harmony, can't conceal the bile. Harmony, harmony, this is gonna take a while!
Roxie: (dances with Aaron's dad) Your power plants and toxic dumps are perilous.
Aaron's dad: Your room-mate's confrontational and querulous.
Sabrina: Perhaps it would be best/ To not offend our guest/ so zip your lip and give your hippie politics a rest! Morgan help! (calls Morgan over to draw all attention by dancing before being pulled on by both Harvey and Aaron to dance) Harmony, harmony, this was not my plan. Now we're all meaner than when this stupid song began!
All: There's nothing like a good old-fashioned melody/ To put a little gloss on animosity! Slinging mud with effervescent charm! Drawing blood while singing arm in arm! And all in perfect harmony! (Aaron's dad gets on one knee with arms out, saying "In case you didn't hear it!") Knock-down drag-out harmony!
Sabrina: At the end of the day, the important thing to remember is that Aaron loves me and I love Harvey.
You Slay Me
Aaron (after sabrina, with dragon feet, steps on his foot) "Hobnail boots?" Sabrina "Yeah, would it kill you to open a bridal magazine?"
Sabrina "so your my prince." Aaron "not a prince, just a man who wants to spend the rest of his life with you."
Harvey: I'm not really sure what this (Harvey's Soul-stone) is, but something told me I would find the answer here.
Sabrina I think that I just found mine.
- Episode transcripts at TVTDB.com