The Simpsons

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The Simpsons is an US television series on the Fox Network (December 17, 1989 - present) created by Matt Groening. It documents the life of the Simpson family in the town of Springfield

I not understend what U want

Contents 1 Season 2 1.1 Bart Gets an F [2.01] 1.2 Simpson and Delilah [2.02] 1.3 Treehouse of Horror [2.03] 1.4 Two Cars in Every Garage and Three Eyes on Every Fish [2.04] 1.5 Dancin' Homer [2.05] 1.6 Dead Putting Society [2.06] 1.7 Bart vs. Thanksgiving [2.07] 1.8 Bart the Daredevil [2.08] 1.9 Bart Gets Hit by a Car [2.10] 1.10 One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish [2.11] 1.11 The Way We Was [2.12] 1.12 Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment [2.13] 1.13 Principal Charming [2.14] 1.14 Oh Brother, Where Art Thou? [2.15] 1.15 Bart's Dog Gets an F [2.16] 1.16 Old Money [2.17] 1.17 Brush with Greatness [2.18] 1.18 Lisa's Substitute [2.19] 1.19 The War of the Simpsons [2.20] 1.20 Three Men and a Comic Book [2.21] 1.21 Blood Feud [2.22] 2 Season 3 2.1 Stark Raving Dad [3.01] 2.2 Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington [3.02] 2.3 When Flanders Failed [3.03] 2.4 Bart the Murderer [3.04] 2.5 Homer Defined [3.05] 2.6 Like Father, Like Clown [3.06] 2.7 Treehouse of Horror II [3.07] 2.8 Lisa's Pony [3.08] 2.9 Saturdays of Thunder [3.09] 2.10 Flaming Moe's [3.10] 2.11 Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk [3.11] 2.12 I Married Marge [3.12] 2.13 Radio Bart [3.13] 2.14 Lisa the Greek [3.14] 2.15 Homer Alone [3.15] 2.16 Bart the Lover [3.16] 2.17 Homer at the Bat [3.17] 2.18 Separate Vocations [3.18] 2.19 Dog of Death [3.19] 2.20 Colonel Homer [3.20] 2.21 Black Widower [3.21] 2.22 The Otto Show [3.22] 2.23 Bart's Friend Falls in Love [3.23] 2.24 Brother Can You Spare Two Dimes? [3.24] 3 Season 4 3.1 Kamp Krusty [4.01] 3.2 A Streetcar Named Marge [4.02] 3.3 Homer the Heretic [4.03] 3.4 Lisa the Beauty Queen [4.04] 3.5 Treehouse of Horror III [4.05] 3.6 Itchy & Scratchy: The Movie [4.06] 3.7 Marge Gets a Job [4.07] 3.8 New Kid on the Block [4.08] 3.9 Mr. Plow [4.09] 3.10 Lisa's First Word [4.10] 3.11 Homer's Triple Bypass [4.11] 3.12 Marge vs. the Monorail [4.12] 3.13 Selma's Choice [4.13] 3.14 Brother from the Same Planet [4.14] 3.15 I Love Lisa [4.15] 3.16 Duffless [4.16] 3.17 Last Exit to Springfield [4.17] 3.18 So It's Come to This: A Simpsons Clip Show [4.18] 3.19 The Front [4.19] 3.20 Whacking Day [4.20] 3.21 Marge in Chains [4.21] 3.22 Krusty Gets Kancelled [4.22] 4 Season 5 4.1 Homer's Barbershop Quartet [5.01] 4.2 Cape Feare [5.02] 4.3 Homer Goes to College [5.03] 4.4 Rosebud [5.04] 4.5 Treehouse of Horror IV [5.05] 4.6 Marge on the Lam [5.06] 4.7 Bart's Inner Child [5.07] 4.8 Boy-Scoutz N the Hood [5.08] 4.9 The Last Temptation of Homer [5.09] 4.10 $pringfield (Or, How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Legalized Gambling) [5.10] 4.11 Homer the Vigilante [5.11] 4.12 Bart Gets Famous [5.12] 4.13 Homer and Apu [5.13] 4.14 Lisa vs. Malibu Stacy [5.14] 4.15 Deep Space Homer [5.15] 4.16 Homer Loves Flanders [5.16] 4.17 Bart Gets an Elephant [5.17] 4.18 Burns' Heir [5.18] 4.19 Sweet Seymour Skinner's Badasssss Song [5.19] 4.20 The Boy Who Knew Too Much [5.20] 4.21 Lady Bouvier's Lover [5.21] 4.22 Secrets of a Successful Marriage [5.22] 5 Season 6 5.1 Bart of Darkness [6.01] 5.2 Lisa's Rival [6.02] 5.3 Another Simpsons Clip Show [6.03] 5.4 Itchy & Scratchy Land [6.04] 5.5 Sideshow Bob Roberts [6.05] 5.6 Treehouse of Horror V [6.07] 5.6.1 The Shinning 5.6.2 Time and Punishment 5.6.3 Nightmare Cafeteria 5.7 Lisa on Ice [6.08] 5.8 Homer: Bad Man [6.09] 5.9 Grampa vs. Sexual Inadequacy [6.10] 5.10 Fear of Flying [6.11] 5.11 Homer the Great [6.12] 5.12 And Maggie Makes Three [6.13] 5.13 Bart's Comet [6.14] 5.14 Homie the Clown [6.15] 5.15 Bart vs. Australia [6.16] 5.16 Homer vs. Patty & Selma [6.17] 5.17 A Star is Burns [6.18] 5.18 Lisa's Wedding [6.19] 5.19 Two Dozen and One Greyhounds [6.20] 5.20 The PTA Disbands! [6.21] 5.21 'Round Springfield [6.22] 5.22 The Springfield Connection [6.23] 5.23 Lemon of Troy [6.24] 5.24 Who Shot Mr. Burns? (Part One) [6.25] 6 Season 7 6.1 Who Shot Mr. Burns? (Part Two) [7.01] 6.2 Radioactive Man [7.02] 6.3 Home Sweet Homediddly-Dum-Doodily [7.03] 6.4 Bart Sells His Soul [7.04] 6.5 Lisa the Vegetarian [7.05] 6.6 Treehouse of Horror VI [7.06] 6.6.1 Attack of the 50-Foot Eyesores 6.6.2 Nightmare on Evergreen Terrace 6.6.3 Homer³ 6.7 King-Size Homer [7.07] 6.8 Mother Simpson [7.08] 6.9 Sideshow Bob's Last Gleaming [7.09] 6.10 Marge Be Not Proud [7.11] 6.11 Team Homer [7.12] 6.12 Two Bad Neighbors [7.13] 6.13 Scenes from the Class Struggle in Springfield [7.14] 6.14 Bart the Fink [7.15] 6.15 Lisa the Iconoclast [7.16] 6.16 Homer the Smithers [7.17] 6.17 The Day the Violence Died [7.18] 6.18 A Fish Called Selma [7.19] 6.19 Bart on the Road [7.20] 6.20 22 Short Films About Springfield [7.21] 6.21 Raging Abe Simpson and His Grumbling Grandson in "The Curse of the Flying Hellfish" [7.22] 6.22 Much Apu About Nothing [7.23] 6.23 Homerpalooza [7.24] 6.24 Summer of 4 Ft. 2 [7.25] 7 Season 8 7.1 Treehouse of Horror VII [8.01] 7.1.1 Citizen Kang 7.2 You Only Move Twice [8.02] 7.3 The Homer They Fall [8.03] 7.4 Burns, Baby Burns [8.04] 7.5 Bart After Dark [8.05] 7.6 A Milhouse Divided [8.06] 7.7 Lisa's Date with Density [8.07] 7.8 Hurricane Neddy [8.08] 7.9 El Viaje Misterioso de Nuestro Jomer [8.09] 7.10 The Springfield Files [8.10] 7.11 The Twisted World of Marge Simpson [8.11] 7.12 Mountain of Madness [8.12] 7.13 Simpsoncalifragilisticexpiala(Annoyed Grunt)cious [8.13] 7.14 The Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie Show [8.14] 7.15 Homer's Phobia [8.15] 7.16 Brother from Another Series [8.16] 7.17 My Sister, My Sitter [8.17] 7.18 Homer vs. The Eighteenth Amendment [8.18] 7.19 Grade School Confidential [8.19] 7.20 The Canine Mutiny [8.20] 7.21 The Old Man and the Lisa [8.21] 7.22 In Marge We Trust [8.22] 7.23 Homer's Enemy [8.23] 7.24 The Simpsons Spin-Off Showcase [8.24] 7.25 The Secret War of Lisa Simpson [8.25] 8 Season 9 8.1 The City of New York vs. Homer Simpson [9.01] 8.2 The Principal and the Pauper [9.02] 8.3 Lisa's Sax [9.03] 8.4 Treehouse of Horror VIII [9.04] 8.4.1 The HΩmega Man 8.4.2 Fly Vs. Fly 8.4.3 Easy-Bake Coven 8.5 The Cartridge Family [9.05] 8.6 Bart Star [9.06] 8.7 The Two Mrs. Nahasapeemapetilons [9.07] 8.8 Lisa the Skeptic [9.08] 8.9 Realty Bites [9.09] 8.10 Miracle on Evergreen Terrace [9.10] 8.11 All Singing, All Dancing [9.11] 8.12 Bart Carny [9.12] 8.13 The Joy of Sect [9.13] 8.14 Das Bus [9.14] 8.15 The Last Temptation of Krust [9.15] 8.16 Dumbbell Indemnity [9.16] 8.17 Lisa the Simpson [9.17] 8.18 This Little Wiggy [9.18] 8.19 Simpson Tide [9.19] 8.20 The Trouble with Trillions [9.20] 8.21 Girly Edition [9.21] 8.22 Trash of the Titans [9.22] 8.23 King of the Hill [9.23] 8.24 Lost Our Lisa [9.24] 8.25 Natural Born Kissers [9.25] 9 Season 10 9.1 Lard of the Dance [10.01] 9.2 The Wizard of Evergreen Terrace [10.02] 9.3 Bart the Mother [10.03] 9.4 Treehouse of Horror IX [10.04] 9.5 When You Dish Upon a Star [10.05] 9.6 D'oh-in in the Wind [10.06] 9.7 Lisa Gets an "A" [10.07] 9.8 Homer Simpson in: "Kidney Trouble" [10.08] 9.9 Mayored to the Mob [10.09] 9.10 Viva Ned Flanders [10.10] 9.11 Wild Barts Can't Be Broken [10.11] 9.12 Sunday, Cruddy Sunday [10.12] 9.13 Homer to the Max [10.13] 9.14 I'm With Cupid [10.14] 9.15 Marge Simpson in: "Screaming Yellow Honkers" [10.15] 9.16 Make Room for Lisa [10.16] 9.17 Maximum Homerdrive [10.17] 9.18 Simpsons Bible Stories [10.18] 9.19 Mom and Pop Art [10.19] 9.20 The Old Man and The "C" Student [10.20] 9.21 Monty Can't Buy Me Love [10.21] 9.22 They Saved Lisa's Brain [10.22] 9.23 Thirty Minutes Over Tokyo [10.23] 10 Season 11 10.1 Beyond Blunderdome [11.01] 10.2 Brother's Little Helper [11.02] 10.3 Guess Who's Coming to Criticize Dinner? [11.03] 10.4 Treehouse of Horror X [11.04] 10.5 E-I-E-I-(Annoyed Grunt) [11.05] 10.6 Hello Gutter, Hello Fadder [11.06] 10.7 Eight Misbehavin' [11.07] 10.8 Take My Wife, Sleaze [11.08] 10.9 Grift of the Magi [11.09] 10.10 Little Big Mom [11.10] 10.11 Faith Off [11.11] 10.12 The Mansion Family [11.12] 10.13 Saddlesore Galactica [11.13] 10.14 Alone Again, Natura-Diddily [11.14] 10.15 Missionary: Impossible [11.15] 10.16 Pygmoelian [11.16] 10.17 Bart to the Future [11.17] 10.18 Days of Wine and D'oh'ses [11.18] 10.19 Kill the Alligator and Run [11.19] 10.20 Last Tap Dance in Springfield [11.20] 10.21 It's A Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad Marge [11.21] 10.22 Behind the Laughter [11.22] 11 Season 12 11.1 Treehouse of Horror XI [12.01] 11.2 A Tale of Two Springfields [12.02] 11.3 Insane Clown Poppy [12.03] 11.4 Lisa the Tree Hugger [12.04] 11.5 Homer vs. Dignity [12.05] 11.6 The Computer Wore Menace Shoes [12.06] 11.7 The Great Money Caper [12.07] 11.8 Skinner's Sense of Snow [12.08] 11.9 HOMЯ [12.09] 11.10 Pokey Mom [12.10] 11.11 Worst Episode Ever [12.11] 11.12 Tennis the Menace [12.12] 11.13 Day of the Jackanapes [12.13] 11.14 New Kids on the Blecch [12.14] 11.15 Hungry, Hungry Homer [12.15] 11.16 Bye Bye Nerdie [12.16] 11.17 Simpson Safari [12.17] 11.18 Trilogy of Error [12.18] 11.19 I'm Goin' to Praiseland [12.19] 11.20 Children of a Lesser Clod [12.20] 11.21 Simpsons Tall Tales [12.21] 12 Season 13 12.1 Treehouse of Horror XII [13.1] 12.2 The Parent Rap [13.2] 12.3 Homer the Moe [13.3] 12.4 A Hunka Hunka Burns in Love [13.4] 12.5 The Blunder Years [13.5] 12.6 She of Little Faith [13.6] 12.7 Brawl in the Family [13.7] 12.8 Sweets and Sour Marge [13.8] 12.9 Jaws Wired Shut [13.09] 12.10 Half-Decent Proposal [13.10] 12.11 The Bart Wants What It Wants [13.11] 12.12 The Lastest Gun in the West [13.12] 12.13 The Old Man and the Key [13.13] 12.14 Tales from the Public Domain [13.14] 12.15 Blame it on Lisa [13.15] 12.16 Weekend at Burnsie's [13.16] 12.17 Gump Roast [13.17] 12.18 I am Furious Yellow [13.18] 12.19 The Sweetest Apu [13.19] 12.20 Little Girl in the Big Ten [13.20] 12.21 The Frying Game [13.21] 12.22 Papa's Got a Brand New Badge [13.22] 13 Season 14 13.1 Treehouse of Horror XIII [14.01] 13.2 How I Spent My Strummer Vacation [14.02] 13.3 Bart vs. Lisa vs. The Third Grade [14.03] 13.4 Large Marge [14.04] 13.5 Helter Shelter [14.05] 13.6 The Great Louse Detective [14.06] 13.7 Special Edna [14.07] 13.8 The Dad Who Knew Too Little [14.08] 13.9 Strong Arms of The Ma [14.09] 13.10 Pray Anything [14.10] 13.11 Barting Over [14.11] 13.12 I'm Spelling as Fast as I Can [14.12] 13.13 A Star is Born-Again [14.13] 13.14 Mr. Spritz Goes to Washington [14.14] 13.15 C.E. D'oh [14.15] 13.16 'Scuse Me While I Miss the Sky [14.16] 13.17 Three Gays of the Condo [14.17] 13.18 Dude, Where's My Ranch? [14.18] 13.19 Old Yeller Belly [14.19] 13.20 Brake My Wife, Please [14.20] 13.21 Bart of War [14.21] 13.22 Moe Baby Blues [14.22] 14 Season 15 14.1 Treehouse of Horror XIV [15.1] 14.2 My Mother the Carjacker [15.2] 14.3 The President Wore Pearls [15.3] 14.4 The Regina Monologues [15.4] 14.5 The Fat and the Furriest [15.05] 14.6 Today I am A Clown [15.06] 14.7 'Tis the Fifteenth Season [15.07] 14.8 Marge vs. Singles, Seniors, Childless Couples and Teens, and Gays [15.08] 14.9 I, (Annoyed Grunt)-Bot [15.09] 14.10 Diatribe of a Mad Housewife [15.10] 14.11 Margical History Tour [15.11] 14.12 Milhouse Doesn't Live Here Anymore [15.12] 14.13 Smart and Smarter [15.13] 14.14 The Ziff Who Came to Dinner [15.14] 14.15 Co-Dependent's Day [15.15] 14.16 The Wandering Juvie [15.16] 14.17 My Big Fat Geek Wedding [15.17] 14.18 Catch 'em If You Can [15.18] 14.19 Simple Simpson [15.19] 14.20 The Way We Weren't [15.20] 14.21 Bart-Mangled Banner [15.21] 14.22 Fraudcast News [15.22] 15 Season 16 15.1 Treehouse of Horror XV [16.01] 15.2 All's Fair in Oven War [16.02] 15.3 Sleeping With the Enemy [16.03] 15.4 She Used to Be My Girl [16.04] 15.5 Fat Man and Little Boy [16.05] 15.6 Midnight Rx [16.06] 15.7 Mommie Beerest [16.07] 15.8 Homer and Ned's Hail Mary Pass [16.08] 15.9 Pranksta Rap [16.09] 15.10 There's Something About Marrying [16.10] 15.11 On a Clear Day I Can't See My Sister [16.11] 15.12 Goo Goo Gai Pan [16.12] 15.13 Mobile Homer [16.13] 15.14 The Seven-Beer Snitch [16.14] 15.15 Future-Drama [16.15] 15.16 Don't Fear the Roofer [16.16] 15.17 The Heartbroke Kid [16.17] 15.18 A Star is Torn [16.18] 15.19 Thank God It's Doomsday [16.19] 15.20 Home Away From Homer [16.20] 15.21 The Father, The Son, and The Holy Guest Star [16.21] 16 Season 17 16.1 Bonfire of the Manatees [17.01] 16.2 The Girl Who Slept Too Little [17.02] 16.3 Milhouse of Sand and Fog [17.03] 16.4 Treehouse of Horror XVI [17.04] 16.4.1 Prologue 16.4.2 Bartifical Intelligence 16.4.3 Survival of the Fattest 16.4.4 I've Grown a Costume On Your Face 16.5 Marge's Son Poisoning [17.05] 16.6 The Italian Bob [17.08] 16.7 Simpsons Christmas Stories [17.09] 16.7.1 The First (Annoyed Grunt)-El 16.7.2 I saw Grampa Cussing Santa Claus 16.7.3 The Nutcracker...Sweet 16.8 Homer's Paternity Coot [17.10] 16.9 We're on the Road to D'ohwhere [17.11] 16.10 My Fair Laddy [17.12] 16.11 The Seemingly Never-Ending Story [17.13] 16.12 Bart Has Two Mommies [17.14] 16.13 Homer Simpson, This Is Your Wife [17.15] 16.14 Million Dollar Abie [17.16] 16.15 Kiss Kiss, Bang Bangalore [17.17] 16.16 The Wettest Stories Ever Told [17.18] 16.16.1 The Mayflower 16.16.2 Mutiny on the Barty 16.16.3 The Neptune Adventure 16.17 Girls Just Want To Have Sums [17.19] 16.18 Regarding Margie [17.20] 16.19 The Monkey Suit [17.21] 16.20 Marge and Homer Turn a Couple Play [17.22] 17 Season 18 17.1 The Mook, The Chef, The Wife And Her Homer [18.01] 17.2 Jazzy and the Pussycats [18.02] 17.3 Please Homer, Don't Hammer 'Em... [18.03] 17.4 Treehouse of Horror XVII [18.04] 17.5 G.I. (Annoyed Grunt) [18.05] 17.6 Moe'N'a Lisa [18.06] 17.7 Ice Cream of Margie (With the Light Blue Hair) [18.07] 17.8 The Haw-Hawed Couple [18.08] 17.9 Kill Gil: Vols. 1 & 2 [18.09] 17.10 The Wife Aquatic [18.10] 17.11 Revenge is a Dish Best Served Three Times [18.11] 17.12 Little Big Girl [18.12] 17.13 Springfield Up [18.13] 17.14 Yokel Chords [18.14] 17.15 Rome-old and Juli-eh [18.15] 17.16 Homerazzi [18.16] 17.17 Marge Gamer [18.17] 17.18 The Boys of Bummer [18.18] 17.19 Crook and Ladder [18.19] 17.20 Stop, or My Dog Will Shoot! [18.20] 17.21 24 Minutes [18.21] 17.22 You Kent Always Say What You Want [18.22] 18 Season 19 18.1 He Loves to Fly and He D'Oh's [19.1] 18.2 The Homer of Seville [19.2] 18.3 Midnight Towboy [19.3] 18.4 I Don't Wanna Know Why the Caged Bird Sings [19.4] 18.5 Treehouse of Horror XVIII [19.5] 18.6 Little Orphan Millie [19.6] 18.7 Husbands and Knives [19.7] 18.8 Funeral for a Fiend [19.8] 18.9 Eternal Moonshine of the Simpson Mind [19.9] 18.10 E. Pluribus Wiggum [19.10] 18.11 That 90's Show [19.11] 18.12 Love, Springfieldian Style [19.12] 18.13 The Debarted [19.13] 18.14 Dial 'N' for Nerder [19.14] 18.15 Smoke on the Daughter [19.15] 18.16 Papa Don't Leech [19.16] 18.17 Apocalypse Cow [19.17] 19 Quotes from unknown episodes 20 External links

[edit] Season 2

[edit] Bart Gets an F [2.01]

Bart: Good morning, girls!

Sherri and Terri: Good morning, Bart.

Bart: Say, who's up for a little cram session? I'll go first. What was the name of the Pilgrims' boat?

Sherri: The Spirit of St. Louis.

Bart: And where'd they land?

Terri: Sunny Acapulco.

Bart: And why'd they leave England?

Sherri: Giant rats.

Bart: [writing down the information in a notebook] Cool, history's coming alive!

---

Nurse: What's the matter, son?

Bart: Sharp, stabbing pains in my stomach.

Nurse: Oh Dear, I've heard of this. [Opens a medical book to Amoria Phlebitis, reads from symptoms] Do you feel a shooting pain in your arm?

Bart: Both arms, ma'am.

Nurse: Temporary loss of vision?

Bart: Um... who said that? Come closer.

---

[Bart lays in bed while faking an illness.]

Lisa: Everyone knows you're faking it, Bart.

Bart: Well, "everyone" better keep her mouth shut!

---

Bart: Look at my eyes! See the sincerity? See the conviction? See the fear? As God as my witness, I can pass the fourth grade!

Homer: And if you don't, at least you'll be bigger than the other kids!

---

Martin: The potential for mischief varies inversely with one’s proximity to the authority figure.

[Martin holds up cue-card with the formula ]

Bart: Well, yeah. But don't say it like that!

---

Bart: [praying] God, please give me one more chance to study, give me a snow day, or a power outage, or a teacher's strike, anything, please!

Lisa: Prayer: the last refuge of the scoundrel.

---

Bart: I passed! I passed! I got a D-minus! (runs around the schoolyard, repeating himself) I passed! I passed! I...kissed the teacher!!! (starts spitting it out)

---

Homer: We're proud of you, boy!

Bart: Thanks, Dad. But part of this D- belongs to God!

---

Lisa: I'm no theologian. I don't know who or what God is, exactly. All I know is he's a force more powerful than Mom and Dad put together, and you owe him big.

[edit] Simpson and Delilah [2.02]

[Homer learns that Dimoxinil costs one thousand dollars.]

Homer: A thousand bucks!? I can't afford that!

Sales clerk: Hmm... well, we do have a product which is more in your price range. However...

[He pulls out giant jug labeled "Hair in a Drum" with a $19.95 price sticker]

Sales clerk:I must assure you, that any hair growth you experience while using it will be purely coincidental.

---

Mr. Burns: BLAST HIS HIDE TO HADES!! [after hearing about how much Homer defrauded the company for his Dimoxomil] [Thunder claps outside and it starts to rain] Ohh, and I was going to buy that Ivory backscratcher!

---

Homer: [strangling Bart] BOY! MUST! DIE!

Bart: I love you, Dad!

Homer: D'oh! [stops strangling] Dirty trick. Okay, I'm not going to kill you, but I'm going to tell you three things that are gonna haunt you for the rest of your days. You've ruined your father, you've crippled your family, and baldness is hereditary!

Bart: It is?!

[edit] Treehouse of Horror [2.03]

Marge: Homer! What's this thing in the corner?

Homer: I don't know.

Lisa: It looks like a vortex -- a gateway into another dimension.

Homer: Ooh, a vortex. [Throwing an orange into the vortex] Catch! Hey pretty slick.

Lisa: [reading piece of wadded up paper thrown by the vortex] Quit throwing your garbage into our dimension!

---

Homer: Listen, you big, stupid space creature. Nobody, but nobody, eats the Simpsons!

---

Goul: You will die, you will die slowly, your intestines will writhe and boil

Bart: (Gulps)

Goul: Possibly Your Brain Will Start--

Marge: Shhhhh... SHUT UP!

---

Bart: You know what would've been scarier than nothing?

Lisa: What?

Bart: Anything!

---

Narrator: Quoth the raven-

Bart: Eat my shorts!

Lisa: Bart, stop it! He says "Nevermore." And that's all he'll ever say.

Bart: Okay, okay.

---

Homer: Come back here, you little raven! D'oh!

[edit] Two Cars in Every Garage and Three Eyes on Every Fish [2.04]

Dave Shutton: What's your name, son?

Bart: I'm Bart Simpson - who the hell are you?

Dave Shutton: I'm Dave Shutton. I'm an investigative reporter who's on the road a lot, and I must say that in my day, we didn't talk that way to our elders.

Bart: Well, this is my day, and we do, sir.

---

Marge: Homer, we're a Mary Bailey family.

Homer: Mary Bailey isn't going to fire me if I don't vote for her.

Lisa: Ooh, a political discussion at the breakfast table! I feel like a Kennedy!

---

Bart: Is your boss governor yet?

Homer: Not yet, son, not yet.

---

Narrator on Burns' Campaign Ad: [singing] Only a moron wouldn't cast his vote for MONTY BURNS!

---

Grampa: That Burns is just what this state needs: young blood!

---

[Hairdressers and makeup artists are prepping the Simpsons for Burns' visit.]

Hairdresser: [to Homer] Well, what do we think?

Homer: Hey! Hello, handsome.

Burns' Campaign Manager: Hey, get that gunk off his face. He's supposed to be having dinner with the common man, not Tyrone Power.

---

Mr. Burns: [after his campaign managers give up] YOU CAN'T DO THIS TO ME! I'M CHARLES MONTGOMERY BURNS!

---

Mr. Burns: Take me home, Smithers. We'll destroy something tasteful.

---

Mr. Burns: Ironic, isn't it Smithers. This anonymous clan of slack-jawed troglodytes has cost me the election, and yet if I were to have them killed, I would be the one to go to jail. That's democracy for you!

Smithers: You are noble and poetic in defeat, sir.

[edit] Dancin' Homer [2.05]

Homer: Marge, this ticket doesn't just get me a seat. It gives me the right...no, the *duty* to make a complete ass of myself!

---

[When Mr. Burns asks if Homer wants a beer.]

Homer: Wait a minute, we're not having a drug test tomorrow, are we?

---

Mr. Burns: [chanting] The hitter's off his rocker/Kissing Betty Crocker!

Homer: Little baby batter/Can't control his bladder!

Mr. Burns: Heheh, crude, but I like it!

---

Homer: For the first time in my life, people weren't laughing at me, they were laughing towards me!

---

Homer enters the living room in his "Dancin' Homer" outfit.

Marge: Hmmm... did the team ask you to wear that?

Homer: Nope, this was my own bright idea!

---

Lisa: Our lives have taken an odd turn.

---

Homer: Don't fill up on those vegetables, kids. Save room for nachos!

Lisa & Bart: All right!

Marge: [disapprovingly] Mmm.

---

Capital City Goofball: If there's anything I can do for you, just squeeze the wheeze. [he squeezes his nose]

---

Bart: [to Mr. Burns] You throw like my sister, man.

Lisa: Yeah, you throw like me!

[edit] Dead Putting Society [2.06]

Ned Flanders: Hey there, neighbor. The Lord's certainly given us a beautiful day today, huh?

Homer: Hello, Flanders.

Ned: Doing a little yard work, huh?

Homer: Who told? Marge, beer me!

---

Homer: Marge, where's the Duff?!

Marge: Oh, uh, we're all out, Homer.

Homer: D'oh!

Marge: Would you like some fruit juice?

Homer: Don't toy with me, woman!

---

Homer: All right, knock it off!

Ned Flanders: Knock what off, Simpson?

Homer: You've been rubbing it in my nose since I got here! Your family is better than my family, your beer comes from farther away than my beer, you and your son like each other, your wife's butt is higher than my wife's butt! You make me sick!

Ned: Simpson, I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to leave. I hope you understand!

Homer: I wouldn't stay on a bet!

---

(Bart looking at his Todd Flanders picture suddenly Todd comes in and makes the same movement as he does in the picture)

Todd Flanders: Hi Bart!

Bart: Get bent!

---

Homer: What are you doing! That putter is to you what a bat is to a baseball player! What a violin is... to the... the guy that... the violin guy! Now c'mon! Give your putter a name.

Bart: What?

Homer: C'mon, give it a name.

Bart: Mister Putter.

Homer: D'oh! You wanna try a little harder son? C'mon, give it a girl's name.

Bart: Mom.

Homer: Your putter's name is Charlene!

Bart: Why?

Homer: It just is, that's why! Now this, is a picture of your enemy, Todd Flanders. Every day, I want you to spend fifteen minutes staring at it, and concentrating on how much you hate him, and how glorious it will be when you and Charlene annihilate him!

Bart: Who's Charlene?

Homer: [raises the putter, about to wallop Bart with it] I'll show you who Charlene is! Now start hating!

---

Homer: Come on, Bart! Remember what Vince Lombardi said: "If you lose, you're out of the family!"

Marge: HOMER!!!! (slaps Homer)

Homer: OW!!!

---

Homer: That shot is impossible! Jack Nicholson himself couldn't make it!

---

Marge: [grumbling] Uhhh... My best dress. (Bart laughs)

Lisa: Why do I get the feeling that one day I'll be describing this to a psychiatrist?

Homer:: Listen to 'em laughing. This is so humiliating. I'm never going to live this down. Damn Flanders!!!!

Flanders: [laughing] You know, Simpson, I feel kinda silly but, what the hey, you know. It kinda reminds me of my good old fraternity days.

Homer: D'OH!!!! Oh my God, he's enjoying it!

[edit] Bart vs. Thanksgiving [2.07]

Homer: Bart! Stop fighting with your sister!

Bart: She took my glue!

Lisa: It's not yours, Bart. This is family glue!

Homer: Stop it, you two. This is Thanksgiving, so glue friendly or I'll take your glue away and then no one will have any glue to glue with.

Lisa: Dad, this isn't about glue. It's about territoriality. He only wants the glue because I'm using it.

Bart: Oh yeah? Prove it.

Lisa: [hands him the glue] Here.

Bart: Hey man, I don't want your stupid glue.

---

Mrs. Bouvier: (to Marge) I have laryngitis and it hurts to talk. So I'll just say this: you never do anything right.

---

Lisa: [writing a poem]

I saw the best meals of my generation
Destroyed by the madness of my brother.
My soul carved in slices
By spiky-haired demons.

---

Bart: Twelve bucks! Hey, I can bleed!

Nurse: Hey, you've gotta be eighteen to sell your blood. Let's see some ID.

Bart: Here ya go, doll face.

Nurse: Ok, Homer, just relax.

Bart: Ow!

---

Bart: All right! Twelve big ones and free grub to boot. Viva Skid Row!

---

Homer: Hello?! Operator! Give me the number for 9-1-1!

---

Homer: It's your fault I'm bald!

Grampa: It's your fault I'm old!

Maggie: It's your fault I can't talk!

[edit] Bart the Daredevil [2.08]

[Bart, Lisa and their friends are watching TV at Bart's house, at the same time and channel as Homer and his pals at Moe's tavern. The Monster Truck Rally commercial comes on.]

Announcer: This Saturday, for one night only, your life will be changed forever. Saturday! Saturday! Saturday at the Springfield Speedway! Speedway! Speedway! Don "Crusher" Woodard, John "The Skunk" Trumane, and the Team Tomomatsu Dirt Riding Dunk Masters in this year's biggest MONSTER TRUCK RALLY! One night only! Plus the amazing, the astounding, the unbelievable TRUCK-O-SAURUS! Twenty tons and four stories of car-crunching, fire-breathing, prehistoric insanity!!

Homer and Bart: Whoa!

Announcer: One night only! One night only! One night only at the Springfield Speedway this Saturday! To miss this, you'd better be dead or in jail. And if you're in jail, break out!! BE THERE!!! [echoes]

---

[At dinner]

Homer: I have an announcement to make. As a family growth thing, Bart and I think we should all go to the monster truck rally this Saturday.

Lisa: Aren't you forgetting something?

Homer: Uh... Monster truck rally... Growth thing... No, I don't think so.

Lisa: It's my music concert this Saturday! I'll be playing my first solo! If you miss it on Saturday, I'd advise you to start looking for a child therapist on Sunday.

Bart: But Truck-O-Saurus is one night only!

Homer: [towards Heaven] O, cruel Fate, why do you mock me?!

[Homer and Bart both cry]

Marge: Look, what time is this truck rally?

Homer: [tearfully] 8:00, but what does it matter?

Marge: Well, Lisa's concert is at 5:00. We can go to both!

Homer: [gasps, perking up] Marge, you're a genius!

[He high-fives Bart]

---

Principal Skinner: Ladies, gentlemen, parents and music-lovers. Welcome to the first in a series of school concerts.

Homer: [whining] Series?! Oh!

Principal Skinner: Tonight, Sherbert's-- Oops, heh heh, Schubert's Unfinished Symphony.

Homer: Oh good, unfinished. This shouldn't take long.

---

[Well into the symphony...]

Homer: How much longer was Sherbert planning on making this piece of junk?!

---

Flanders: [proudly crying for Todd playing his solo] My son, my son...

Homer: C'mon Flanders, he's not that bad.

---

Announcer: And now, ladies and gentlemen, a very special guest. The world's greatest daredevil! The man who's no stranger to danger! When he's not in action, he's in traction!... Captain Lance Murdoch!

[Lance Murdoch appears on stage in a burst of flames (he is still on fire afterwards, and some men put it out with an extinguisher)]

Captain Lance Murdoch: Ladies and gentlemen - and especially little children - I'm glad you're all here to witness what may very well be my grisly death. Tonight, my most dangerous stunt: I will death-defy both nature and gravity by leaping over this tank of water, filled with MAN-EATING great white sharks, DEADLY electric eels, RAVENOUS piranha, BONE-CRUSHING alligators, and perhaps most frightening of all, the king of the jungle: ONE FEROCIOUS LION!

[A lion is added to the tank]

Lance: Heh heh heh, I almost forgot. To add a real element of danger, one drop of human blood.

[He pricks his finger and one drop of blood falls in the tank, sending the animals into a frenzy]

Lance: Now on the chance that I don't survive, let me just say: seat belts save lives, so buckle up!

---

Announcer (in Bart's dream): Ladies and gentlemen, the ten-year old who's brave and bold! When he's not in class, he's risking his ass! The world's greatest daredevil, Bart Simpson!

---

Bart: Dad, I wanna be a daredevil.

Homer: Heh heh heh. Kids say such stupid things.

---

Dr. Hibbert: Bart, in this ward are the children who have been hurt by imitating stunts they saw on television, movies, and the legitimate stage. This little boy broke his leg, trying to fly like Superman. This boy's brother hit him in the head with a wrench, mimicking a recent TV wrestling match. I won't even subject you to the horrors of our Three Stooges ward.

Marge: Gee, I never thought TV was such a dangerous influence.

Dr. Hibbert: Well, as tragic as all this is, it's a small price to pay for countless hours of top-notch entertainment!

Bart: Amen!

Homer: Well, Bart, has Dr. Hibbert made his point?

Bart: He sure has. [shaking Dr. Hibbert's hand] I learned a real lesson today.

Dr. Hibbert: [doubtful] Hmmm...

---

Otto: [about Springfield Gorge] Hey, this thing's pretty gnarly. I bet you could throw a dead body in there, and no one would eeeeever find it.

Bart: Otto, I'm going to leap over Springfield Gorge on my skateboard.

Otto: You know, Bart, as the only adult here, I feel I should say something.

Bart: What?

Otto: COOOOOOOOL!!!!!

---

Lance Murdoch: It's always nice to see young people taking an interest in danger. Now, son, a lot of people are going to be telling you you're crazy - and maybe they're right! But I want to tell you three things: bones heal, chicks dig scars, and the United States of America has the best doctor to daredevil ratio in the world!

---

[Lisa has just told Homer and Marge about Bart's planned stunt]

Homer: SPRINGFIELD GORGE?!?!? I thought we settled this daredevil junk!!!

Bart: [to Lisa] Squealer.

Lisa: I'm sorry, Bart. But if you got hurt or died, despite the extra attention I'd receive, I'd miss you.

Homer: Bart, I forbid you to jump over that gorge!

Bart: You can't stop me.

Homer: I CAN AND DO! GO TO YOUR ROOM, BART!! [as Bart starts to leave] Finally. It's good to know that someone's put a stop to this nonsense once and for all--

Bart: [dark] Hey, man, you can tell me not to do it, but there's no way you can watch me for 24 hours. And the minute your back is turned, I'm grabbing my skateboard and heading for that gorge! [leaves the room]

Homer: [losing all confidence] He's got us, Marge; there's nothing we can do. He's as good as dead! [sobs]

Marge: You're his father, you've got to try and reason with him.

Homer: That never works - he's a goner!

---

[Homer goes upstairs to reason with Bart]

Homer: Bart? Bart?

[He sees Bart climbing out the window with his skateboard]

Homer: BART!!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!

Bart: Uh, nothing--

Homer: You were on your way to jump the gorge, weren't you?!

Bart: Maybe.

Homer: Now boy, I know I can't stop you. I'm just asking you to promise me that you won't jump the gorge.

Bart: Okay.

Homer: D'OH!

Bart: Wha--?

Homer: YOU DIDN'T MEAN THAT! Bart, this isn't one of those phony-baloney promises I don't expect you to keep! If you make this promise, you have to keep it.

Bart: Why?

Homer: Because if you don't, I'll never believe anything you say ever again.

Bart: [incredulous] C'mon.

Homer: I mean it, boy!

---

[After supposedly reasoning with him, Homer goes up to Bart's room with a pickle glove]

Homer: Hey, Bart, wanna play with the old--?

[He finds Bart's room empty, and his window open]

Homer: [furious] WHY, THAT LITTLE LIAR!!! I SHOULDA--!!! [merely annoyed] And I was gonna play pickle with him.

---

[Bart is about to jump the gorge, but Homer runs up and stops him]

Bart: Hey, what gives?!

Homer: Boy, I tried ordering you, I tried punishing you, and God help me, I even tried reasoning with you. And the only thing left for me to do is jump the gorge myself.

Bart: Uh, what? Why?

Homer: Because that way you'll see what it's like to witness a family member stupidly risking his own life for no good reason!

Bart: But Dad, you'll never make it!

Homer: [hint of fear] Don't you think I know that?!

[Homer stands on Bart's skateboard and is about to push off.]

Homer: Good-bye, son.

Bart: Wait, Dad! Don't do it! All right, I won't jump anymore! I promise!

Homer: Oh-oh-oh! [hugging Bart] Oh, thank God! Thank God, thank God!

Bart: I love you, Dad!

Homer: I love you too, son. You know, boy, I don't think I've ever felt as close to you as I do right--

[Homer is still on the skateboard, and he begins to roll down the hill towards the gorge]

Homer: Huh?

---

[to Lance Murdoch, in the hospital]

Homer: You think you've got guts? Try raising my kids!

[edit] Bart Gets Hit by a Car [2.10]

Smithers: I think the boy is hurt.

Burns: Oh for crying out loud, just give him a nickel and let's get going.

---

Bart: Hey, cool, I'm dead.

---

The Devil: [when Bart is in Hell] According to this, you're not due to arrive here until the next time the Yankees win the pennant. That's nearly a century from now. [chuckles] Boy, is my face red.

---

Homer: He's awake!

Marge: Oh, Bart! We thought for a minute you'd gone away from us.

Bart: I did go away, Mom! I was miles and miles and miles away, writhing in agony in the pits of Hell! And you were there! And you and you and you. You, I've never seen before.

Homer: Hey, yeah, who are you? I saw you chasing Bart's ambulance.

Lionel Hutz: Hutz is the name, Mr. Simpson. Lionel Hutz, attorney-at-law. Here's my card. It turns into a sponge when you put it in water.

Homer: Ooh, classy.

---

Lisa:: Excuse me, Mr. Hutz. Are you a shyster?

Lionel Hutz: How does a nice little girl like you know a big word like that?

---

Lenny: Hey, Simpson, I heard Mr. Burns crushed your boy.

Homer: Yeah. If I wasn't so spineless, I'd march into Mr. Burns' office right now and-

Smithers: SIMPSON!!

Homer: Aah! [coughing]

Smithers: Mr. Burns wants you to march into his office right now!

Homer: Uh-oh.

---

Burns: Ah, Simpson! At last we meet! My lawyers have advised me to pay you for running over your child, so I'm cutting you a check!

[With great difficulty, he lowers the lever on his check printer.]

Burns: There you are: one hundred dollars. Of course, you'll have to sign a waiver relinquishing your right to sue and so forth. Merely a formality!

Homer: Gee, Mr. Burns... a hundred dollars is very generous of you, but the medical bills alone...

Burns: Oh, so extortion is the name of your little game is it, Simpson!? Very well! You get nothing! I have the finest lawyers in all of Springfield. Tangle with me, and I'll crush you like a paper cup!

[He crushes the cup with great difficulty.]

Burns: Throw him out, Smithers!

Homer: That's okay, Mr. Burns. I can throw myself out!

---

Hutz: Any calls, Della?

Della: Calls? Oh calls, yes. Eh, the Supreme Court called again. They need your help on some freedom thing.

Hutz: Tell them to sit tight, I’ll get back to them. This way, Mr. Simpson.

Homer: You sure have got some education, Mr. Hutz.

Hutz: Yes... Harvard, Yale, MIT, Oxford, the Sorbonne, the Louvre.

---

Marge: [giving an opinion on Dr. Nick] Hmm. Well, to be honest, he seemed a lot more concerned about wrapping Bart in bandages than in making him feel better. And he mispronounced words that even I know, like "abdomen." And his office was dirty. Now that I think about it, I'm not sure he's even a doctor.

Homer: D'oh!

---

Marge: Homer, I'd like you to forgive me for doing the right thing.

Homer: Oh, Marge!

Marge: We've squabbled over money before. Hmm... never this much. I mean, I know this is different than that time I washed your pants with a $20 in the pocket.

[edit] One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish [2.11]

Master Chef: [car sounds horn] Ah, she's here. Cover for me.

Akira: One Fugu.

Apprentice Chef: No, not Fugu! If it is cut improperly, it's-

Akira: Yes, yes, I know it's poisonous, but if sliced properly, it can be quite tasty.

Apprentice Chef: I must get to the master.

[The Apprentice Chef heads out to the alley, where a car is parked. The Master Chef and Mrs. Krabappel are making out inside.]

Master Chef: Oh, Mrs. Krabappel, your hair is so alluring...

Apprentice Chef: Master, we need you back in the kitchen.

Master Chef: I said cover for me, damn it!

Apprentice Chef: But Master, we need your skilled hands!

Master Chef: My skilled hands are busy, YOU DO IT!

---

Apprentice Chef: (cutting the fugu very slowly) Con-cen-trate. Con-cen-tra---

Homer: I WANT FUGU!!!!!

---

Homer: [imitating Marge] Try something new Homer. What will hurt you Homer? [in his own voice] Well, I never heard of a posion porkchop!

---

Dr. Hibbert: Now, a little death anxiety is normal. You can expect to go through five stages. The first is denial.

Homer: No way, because I'm not dying!

Dr. Hibbert: Second is anger.

Homer: [yelling] Why you little!

Dr. Hibbert: After that comes fear.

Homer: [worried] What's after fear? What's after fear?!

Dr. Hibbert: Bargaining.

Homer: Doc, you gotta get me outta this. I'll make it worth your while.

Dr. Hibbert: Finally acceptance.

Homer: Well, we all gotta go sometime.

Dr. Hibbert: Mr. Simpson, your progress astounds me.

---

[Homer has written a list of things to do on a pad labeled "Dumb stuff I gotta do today"]

1. Make list

2. Eat a hearty breakfast

3. Make videotape for Maggie

4. Have man-to-man talk with Bart

5. Listen to Lisa play her sax

6. Make funeral arrangement

7. Make peace with Dad

8. Beer with the boys at the bar

9. Tell off boss

10. Go hang gliding

11. Plant a tree

12. A final dinner with my beloved family

13. Be intamit [sic] with Marge

14. Watch the sunrise

---

Homer: I'll call Barney!

[Barney's answering machine message is "Nobody's here" said to the tune of Beethoven's Fifth]

Homer: Damn those novelty telephone answering tapes! Well, thanks a lot, Thanks a lot Barney I just wasted my one phone call on your stup-

Barney: [Coming in the door] What? What? I'm home! I'm home!

---

Moe: Hello, Moe's Tavern. Birthplace of the Rob Roy.

Bart: Is Seymour there? Last name Butts.

Moe: Just a sec. Hey, is there a Butts here? A Seymour Butts? Hey everybody, I wanna Seymour Butts! Wait a minute... Listen, you little scum-sucking pus-bucket! When I get my hands on you, I'm gonna pull out your eyeballs with a corkscrew! (Bart and Lisa laugh)

[edit] The Way We Was [2.12]

Homer: Bart, pay attention! You might be telling this to your own son someday if something breaks!

---

Barney: Hey, Homer, you're late for English!

Homer: Pffft, English, who needs that? I'm never going to England. Come on, let's go smoke!

---

Teacher: You just bought yourself another day of detention!

Homer: [to Marge] Maybe we should get together sometime.

Teacher: Two days!

Marge: I'm sorry, I don't even know your name.

Homer: I'm Homer-

Teacher: Three days!

Homer: J-

Teacher: Four days!

Homer: Simpson.

Teacher: Five days!

Homer: [to Teacher] It was worth it!

Teacher: Six days! All right, Simpson, to the back of the room!

---

Homer: [visiting his high school guidance counselor] Hi, I'm Homer Simpson, I need some guidance, Counselor.

---

Homer: [leaving the guidance counselor's office] Me in a nuclear plant... [laughs] KABOOM!!

---

Homer: Look, I'm not asking you to like me, I'm not asking you to put yourself in a position where I can touch your goodies, I'm just asking you to be fair.

---

Lisa: Everything I know tells me this story doesn't end with you sitting here telling it to us!

Bart: Get off the edge of your seat. They got married, had kids and bought a cheap TV!

---

Artie: Marge, I would appreciate it if you didn't tell anyone about my busy hands. Not so much for myself, but I am so respected, it would damage the town to hear it. Good night?

Marge: Yeah, right!.

---

[Marge approaches the door to her house.]

Mr. Bouvier: [from inside] You know, when that Simpson boy showed up, it took years off my life!

Mrs. Bouvier: Will you stop it? She went out with the good one!

---

Homer: [to Marge] I've got a problem. Once you stop this car, I'm going to hug you, and kiss you, and then I'll never be able to let you go.

[Present day, Homer and Marge are hugging in front of the kids.]

Homer: And I never have.

[He and Marge kiss. Lisa and Maggie look happy while Bart is pointing in his mouth, gagging.]

[edit] Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment [2.13]

Lisa: Dad, why is the world such a cesspool of corruption?

Homer: (sighs, sets Lisa on his knee) All right, what makes you say that?

Lisa: Well, in Sunday School, we learned that stealing is a sin.

Homer: Well, duh!

Lisa: But everybody does it! I mean, we're stealing cable as we speak.

Homer: Well...let me put it this way: when you had breakfast this morning, did you pay for it?

Lisa: No.

Homer: And did you pay for those clothes you're wearing?

Lisa: No, I didn't.

Homer: Well, run for the hills, Ma Barker! Before I call the Feds!

Lisa: Dad, I think that's pretty spurious.

Homer: Thanks, honey!

---

Lisa: So, even if a man takes a loaf of bread to feed his starving family, that would be stealing?

Rev. Lovejoy: Mmm...no. Well, it is if he puts anything on it. Jelly, for example.

Lisa: I see.

Rev. Lovejoy: Oh, come now, Lisa. You came here for a reason. Is your father stealing bread?

Lisa: Maybe. I don't watch him every minute.

---

Homer: There's something wrong with that kid. She's so moral. Why can't she be more like...well, not like Bart, but there's got to be a happy medium.

---

Mr. Burns: I can picture it now. A screen door rusting off its filthy hinges, mangy dogs staggering about, looking vainly for a place to die.

Smithers: Permission to speak frankly, sir.

Burns: Permission granted!

Smithers: Well, you are quite wealthy.

Burns: Thank you, Smithers! Your candor is most refreshing.

Smithers: No, no. I mean, why don't you pay for the fight, yourself.

Burns: Ah, Smithers, the big title fight is one of the rare occasions I savor the sights, the sounds, and, oh yes [sniffing], the smells of other men.

Smithers: You haven't lost the common touch, Sir.

---

[Everyone leaves Homer's house after the fight ends.]

Apu: Quite a donnybrook, eh, Mr. Burns?

Mr. Burns: Balderdash! Why, I once watched "Gentleman" Jim Corbett fight an Eskimo fellow bare-knuckled for a hundred and thirteen rounds! Of course, back then, if a fight lasted less than fifty rounds, we demanded our nickel back!

[edit] Principal Charming [2.14]

Marge: Homer, remember you promised you'd try to limit pork to six servings a week?

Homer: Marge, I'm only human.

---

Skinner: Bart, I'm flabbergasted. Surely you realized that by writing your name in forty-foot letters on the athletic field that you would be caught!

Bart: Maybe it was one of the other Barts, sir.

Skinner: THERE ARE NO OTHER BARTS!

Bart: Uh-oh.

---

Homer: Which one's Selma, again?

Marge: She's the one who likes Police Academy movies and Hummel figurines, and walking through the park on clear autumn days.

Homer: Oh, yeah yeah yeah. But I thought she was the one that didn't like to be... you know... touched.

Marge: It's Patty who chose a life of celibacy. Selma simply had celibacy thrust upon her.

---

Marge: You will find Selma a man!

Homer: All right.

Marge: And not just any man.

Homer: Okay!

Marge: He should be honest, and, and caring. And well-off. And handsome.

Homer: Hey! Why should she have a better husband than you do!?

---

Patty: Why are you all dressed up like a chorus girl?

Selma: It takes a ripe piece of cheese to catch the mouse. It's time to give away my love like so much cheap wine.

---

Barney: She broke my heart, Moe.

Moe: Don't worry, Barney. Time heals all wounds.

Barney: Well, whaddya know! You're right! And look, a whole pitcher to myself!

[edit] Oh Brother, Where Art Thou? [2.15]

Grampa: The screen was too small.

Jasper: The floor was sticky.

Grampa: The romantic subplot felt tacked-on.

Jasper: In short, we demand a refund.

---

Homer: Quiet you kids. If I hear one more word, Bart doesn't get to watch cartoons, and Lisa doesn't get to go to college.

---

Grampa: Pull your chair closer, my son.

Homer: What is it, Dad?

Grampa: Pee-yoo! Not that close! Sheesh. Homer, that heart attack made me realize that I'm going to die someday.

Homer: Oh, Dad, you and your imagination.

---

Grandpa: She did things your mother would never do. Like have sex for money.

---

Lisa: A long-lost half-brother. How Dickensian!

Bart: So, any idea where this bastard lives?

Homer: BART!!!

Bart: His parents aren't married, are they? It's the correct word, isn't it?

Homer: [to Marge] I guess he's got us there.

Marge: Mmm...

Bart: [singing] Bastard, bastard, bastard, bastard, bastard, bastard, bastard bastard!

Marge: Bart!

[Bart continues to sing]

Homer: Bart! BAAAAAAAAART!!!

---

Homer: Hello? Hello? Stupid phone! [bangs the phone]

Herbert: Hey, knock it off. I'm here! I'm just silent because of the emotion involved.

Homer: Oh. Sorry.

---

Bart+Lisa: Are we there yet?

Homer: Just a little further!

Bart+Lisa: Are we there yet?

Homer: Just a little fur...

Bart+Lisa: Are we there yet?

Homer: Just a little further!!

Marge: Bart! Lisa! If you don't behave, we'll turn this car right around and go home.

Homer: But Marge, I want to see my brother!

Marge: Oh, for God sakes, Homer, it's an empty threat.

---

Herbert: PEOPLE DON'T WANT CARS NAMED AFTER HUNGRY DEAD GREEK BROADS!!!!!

---

Herbert: Homer?

Homer: Herb?

Both: (In unison) You look just like--

Homer: (In unison with Herb) Except you got a little more--

Herbert: (In unison with Homer) Except you got a little less--

(They point at each other's hair.)

Homer: (In unison with Herb) And a little less--

Herbert: (In unison with Homer) And a little more--

(They point at each other's stomachs.)