The Simpsons/Season 5

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The Simpsons Season 5

Contents

[edit] Homer's Barbershop Quartet [5.01]

[at the Springfield Swap Meet]
Mayor Quimby: (sotto voice) Human roaches... feeding off each other's garbage. The only thing you can't buy here is dignity! (into the microphone) Welcome, swappers, to the Springfield Swap Meet. Ich bin ein Springfield Swap Meet patron! (sotto voice again) I need a drink and a shower...
[The Be Sharps are going through hard times]
Homer, Skinner, and Apu: [singing tiredly] For all the latest medical poop/call Surgeon General C. Everett Koop/Koop Koop-a-doop.
Apu: [to Homer] This is worse than your song about Mr. T!
Homer: I pity the fool who doesn't like... he.

[edit] Cape Feare [5.02]

Marge: Lisa, you got a letter.
Lisa: It's from my pen pal, Anya!
[As Lisa reads, the letter writer's voice can be heard in voice over.]
Anya: "Dear Lisa - as I write this, I am very sad. Our president has been overthrown and...
Gruff male voice: ...replaced by the benevolent General Krull. All hail Krull and his glorious new regime! Sincerely, Little Girl."
Wiggum: I'd like to help you ma'am, but, heh heh, I'm afraid there's no law against mailing threatening letters.
Marge: [indignantly] I'm pretty sure there is!
Wiggum: Hah! The day I take cop lessons from Ma Kettle...
Lou: Hey, she's right, Chief.
[Lou shows Chief Wiggum a book called "Springfield Law"]
Wiggum: Well, shut my mouth. It's also illegal to put squirrels down your pants for the purposes of gambling.
[Cut to Eddie with squirrels in his pants while the other cops watch and laugh, rolling dice]
Wiggum: Boys, knock it off!

[edit] Homer Goes to College [5.03]

[The plant melting down, Mr. Burns gets into escape pod and shuts Smithers out.]
Smithers: For the love of God, sir, there are two seats!
Burns: I like to put my feet up.
Nuclear Regulatory Commission agent: I'm still not sure how he caused the meltdown. There wasn't any nuclear material in the truck!!
Burns: Oh, very well, it's time for your bribe. Now, you can either have the washer and dryer where the lovely Smithers is standing, or you can trade it all in for what's in this box.
Nuclear Regulatory Commission agent: The box! The box!
Mr. Burns: [to Homer] You must find the Jade Monkey before the next full moon.
Smithers: Actually, sir, we found the Jade monkey, it was in your glove compartment.
Burns: And the road maps, and ice scraper?
Smithers: They were in there too sir.
Burns: Excellent! It's all falling into place.

[edit] Rosebud [5.04]

Homer: [with a large bump on his head] Where did I lose them? I'll never wiggle my bare butt in public again!
Lisa: I'd like to believe that this time. I really would.
Marge: Bart, run down to the store and get a bag of ice for your father.
Bart: Yes'm. Dad, I know you're discouraged but please don't deny the world your fat can.
Homer: Don't worry, boy. He'll be ready for your Aunt Selma's birthday.
Lisa: I knew it.
Smithers: Look at all the wonderful things you have, Mr. Burns: King Arthur's Excalibur, the only existing nude photo of Mark Twain, and that rare first draft of the Constitution with the word "suckers" in it.

[edit] Treehouse of Horror IV [5.05]

Lisa: Dad, Mr. Burns is a vampire, and he has Bart!
Mr. Burns: Why, Bart is right here!
Bart: (in monotone, looking unusually pale) Hello, mother. Hello, father. I missed you during my uneventful absence.
Homer: Oh Lisa, you and your stories! Bart is a vampire! Beer kills brain cells! Now let's go back to that... building... thingy... where our beds and TV... is.
Lisa: The only way to save Bart is to kill the head vampire, Mr. Burns!
Homer: Kill my boss?! Do I dare to live out the American dream?

[edit] Marge on the Lam [5.06]

Rescue Worker: Homer, there's no easy way to put this, but we're going to have to saw your arms off.
Homer: They'll grow back, right?
Rescue Worker: Oh... yeah.
Homer: Whew.
Bart: You're absolutely right, Homer. We don't need a babysitter!
Homer: [suspicious] Wait a second...
[Pulls a paper from his pocket: "Always do the opposite of what Bart says"]
Homer: Hmm...you kids do need a babysitter!
Bart: Blast that infernal card! [to Homer] Don't give that card to me.
Homer: Here you g- [pulls back] No!

[edit] Bart's Inner Child [5.07]

Troy McClure: Hi! I'm Troy McClure! You might remember me from such self-help videos as 'Smoke Yourself Thin' and 'Get Confident, Stupid!'
Brad Goodman: I want you all to close your eyes and listen to your inner child. Listen, what's he saying?
Ned's Inner Child: Stay on the course Big Ned, you're doin' super! [Ned smiles]
Homer's Inner Child: [points to his mouth] Food goes in here!
Homer: It sure does.
Moe's Inner Child: [in Italian accent] Hey-a Moe, what's-tha mattah? Ya no talkin' wit ya accent-a no more.
Moe: [slaps face] MAMMA-MIA!!

[edit] Boy-Scoutz N the Hood [5.08]

Homer: Marge, don't discourage the boy. Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel.
Milhouse: You're lucky. You only joined the Junior Campers. I got a dirty word shaved into the back of my head.
(Skinner walks by and stops when he sees the unseen "dirty word" in the back of Milhouse's head)
Principal Skinner: What is it with you kids and that word? (grabs Milhouse) I'm going to shave you bald, young man, until you learn that hair is not a right, it's a privilege!

[edit] The Last Temptation of Homer [5.09]

[Charlie is explaining to Mr Burns about the gas leak.]
Charlie: Well, sir, I won't bore you with the details of our miraculous escape, but we desperately need a real emergency exit!
Burns: Why, that's a fabulous idea. Anything else you'd like? How about real lead in the radiation shields? Urinal cakes, maybe? (hands Smithers a notebook) Smithers, throw this at him!
[Smithers throws the book at Charlie, and Burns presses a button. A tube covers Charlie and sucks him upwards.]
Burns: Smithers, where does that tube go?
Smithers: I'm not sure, sir; it was here when we first moved in.
Homer: Moe, I need advice. You see I have this friend called Joey Jojo...Junior...Shabadoo.
Moe: That's the worst name I ever heard.
[A man in the bar leaves crying. Barney runs after him.]
Barney: Hey, Joey Jojo!

[edit] $pringfield (Or, How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Legalized Gambling) [5.10]

Kent Brockman: Scott, things aren't as happy as they used to be down here at the Unemployment Office, joblessness is no longer just for philosophy majors... now at the risk of sounding unpopular, this reporter places the blame for all of this squarely on you (pointing at the camera) the viewers!
Lisa: Dad! You shouldn't wear glasses that weren't prescribed for you!
Homer: (looking at Bart) Lisa just because you're ten feet tall doesn't mean you can tell me what to do.

[edit] Homer the Vigilante [5.11]

Lisa: Bart's pain is funny, but mine isn't.
Kent Brockman: Hordes of panicky people seem to be evacuating the town for some unknown reason. Professor, without knowing precisely what the danger is, would you say it's time for our viewers to crack each other's heads open and feast on the goo inside?
Professor: Mmm, yes I would, Kent.

[edit] Bart Gets Famous [5.12]

[Marge convinces Bart to perform one more time.]
Bart: You're right, Mom. I shouldn't let this bother me. I'm in television now. It's my job to be repetitive. My job. My job. Repetitiveness is my job. (To Marge) I'm gonna go out there and give the best performance of my life!
Marge: The best performance of your life?
Bart: The best performance of my life!
Lisa: And now you can go back to just being you, instead of a one-dimensional character with a silly catch-phrase.
Homer: (breaking a lamp) D'oh!
Bart: Ay, caramba!
Marge: (groans)
Maggie: (sucks her pacifier)
Flanders: Hi-dilly-ho!
Barney: (belches)
Nelson: Ha, ha!
Burns: Excellent!
[Long pause. Everyone looks expectantly at Lisa.]
Lisa: If anyone wants me, I'll be in my room.
Homer: What kind of catch phrase is that!?

[edit] Homer and Apu [5.13]

Homer: Your old meat made me sick!
Apu: Oh I am so sorry. Please accept five pounds of frozen shrimp as an apology.
Homer: This shrimp isn't frozen! And it smells funny!
Apu: Okay, ten pounds.
Homer: Woo-hoo!
Homer: Life is just one crushing defeat after another until you just wish that Flanders was dead.

[edit] Lisa vs. Malibu Stacy [5.14]

Malibu Stacy Doll: Don't ask me. I'm just a girl! Tee-hee!
Bart: Right on! Say it, sister!
Lisa: This isn't funny, Bart! Millions of girls will grow up thinking that this is the right way to act - that they can never be more than vacuous ninnies whose only goal in life is to look pretty, land a rich husband and spend all day on the phone with their equally vacuous friends and talk about how damned terrific it is look pretty and have a rich husband!
Bart:...Just what I was gonna say!
[Smithers turns his computer on. A bitmapped Mr. Burns (shown naked from the shoulders up) appears]
Mr. Burns: [in stilted speech] Hello, Smithers. You're quite good at tur-ning me-on.
Smithers: [to Lisa] Um... you probably should ignore that.
[Lisa pressures Stacy Lovell about Malibu Stacy]
Stacy: I see exactly what you mean; this is a problem. But what do you expect me to do?
Lisa: Change what she says. It's your company.
Stacy: Not since I was forced out in 1974. They said my way of thinking just wasn't cost effective.
Lisa: [gasps] That's awful.
Stacy: Well, that — and I was funneling profits to the Viet Cong.

[edit] Deep Space Homer [5.15]

Stillwater: People, we're in danger of losing our funding. America isn't interested in space exploration anymore.
Babcock: Maybe we should finally tell them the big secret, that all the chimps we sent into space came back super intelligent.
(A chair swivels around, revealing a chimp in a suit, wearing glasses, and smoking a pipe.)
Chimp: (arrogant; English accent) No, I don't think we'll be telling them that.
Reporter: Uh, question for the barbecue chef: Don't you think there is an inherent danger in sending underqualified civilians into space?
Homer: I'll field this one. The only danger is if they send us to that terrible Planet of the Apes.
(Homer thinks for a moment and realises something.)
Homer: Wait a minute, Statue of Liberty - that was our planet! You maniacs! You blew it up! Damn you! Damn you all to hell!

[edit] Homer Loves Flanders [5.16]

[Ned is driving Homer to the game, passing Lenny and Carl]
Homer:Oh no! (pushes Ned down) I can't let the boys see me with you.
Ned:What?
Homer: Hi. (the car goes past Lenny and Carl)
Lenny: Hey! Homer's got one of those robot cars.
[the car crashes offscreen]
Carl: One of those American robot cars.
[Mr. Burns talking to football players before the game]
Mr. Burns: Men, there's a little crippled boy sitting in a hospital who wants you to win this game. I know because.. I crippled him myself to inspire you.
[cuts to Milhouse lying in a hospital bed with a broken leg and his parents at his side]
Milhouse: I hope they win or Mr. Burns said he's coming back.
[Kirk and Luann look at each other worried]

[edit] Bart Gets an Elephant [5.17]

(Homer, Bart, and Lisa discuss their plans after breakfast)

Bart: After breakfast, me and Milhouse are goin' down to the ravine. We got a tip from a five-year-old that there's a dead Martian down there.
Lisa: And I'm going to jam with the Little White Girls Blues Quartet. (to Homer): Wanna come with me, Daddy-o?
Homer: Sorry, honey. I'd love to, but Daddy has to go to a beer-drinking contest.
Bart: Think you'll win?
Homer: Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose; it's how drunk you get.
Lisa: Dad, you can't sell Stampy to him, I'm pretty sure he's an ivory dealer, his boots are ivory, his hat is ivory, his pen is ivory and I'm pretty sure that cheque is ivory!
Homer: Lisa, a guy who's got lots of ivory is less likely to hurt Stampy than a guy whose ivory supplies are low.

[edit] Burns' Heir [5.18]

Smithers: Oh my God, Mr. Burns is dead! (Starts crying) Why do the good have to die so young?
Homer: Or what? You'll release the dogs, or the bees, or the dogs with bees in their mouths and when they bark they shoot bees at you?

[edit] Sweet Seymour Skinner's Badasssss Song [5.19]

Chalmers: Seymour, you're fired.
Skinner: Did you just call me a liar?
Chalmers: No, I said you were fired.
Skinner: Oh. That's much worse.
Bart: Come on, Chalmie, you fired Skinner for less than this.
Chalmers: Yeah, I did, but... Skinner really bugged me! Besides, the way America's public schools are sliding, they'll all be this way in a few months. I say, lay back and enjoy it! It's a hell of a toboggan ride.
Ned: (over PA) Well, cockly-doodly-doo, little buddies. Let's thank the Lord for another beautiful school day.
Chalmers: Thank the Lor - thank the Lord? That sounded like a prayer. A prayer. A prayer in a public school! God has no place within these walls, just like facts have no place within organized religion. Simpson, you get your wish: Flanders is history!

[edit] The Boy Who Knew Too Much [5.20]

Homer: [lowering a table out of the window then drops it] Got it, Barn?
Barney: [offscreen, below hotel] Got what? [table drops on his head] Ow!
Skinner: You're stealing a table?
Homer: I'm not stealing it. Hotels expect you to take a few things. It's a souvenir!
Skinner: Ah... Is that my necktie you're wearing?
Homer: Souvenir.
Bart: Mom, what if there's a really bad, crummy guy who's going to jail, but I know he's innocent?
Marge: Well Bart, your Uncle Arthur used to have a saying: "Shoot 'em all and let God sort them out." Unfortunately, one day he put his theory into practice. It took seventy-five Federal Marshals to bring him down. Now let's never speak of this again.
Bart: Mom, what if I can get this guy off the hook? Should I do it?
Marge: Honey, you should listen to your heart and not the voices in your head like a certain uncle did one grey December morn.

[edit] Lady Bouvier's Lover [5.21]

Marge: Homer! You didn't do a very good job frosting Maggie's birthday cake!
[The cake reads, "Happy Birthday Magaggie."]
Homer: What? It's not Magaggie's birthday?
Homer: If he marries your mother, Marge, we'll be brother and sister. And then our kids... they'll be horrible freaks with pink skin, no overbites, and five fingers on each hand!
[Homer imagines the freakish kids]
Homer: Aaah!

[edit] Secrets of a Successful Marriage [5.22]

[Homer and Marge are discussing ways for Homer to better himself]
Homer: Oh... and how is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home wine-making course and I forgot how to drive?
Marge: That's because you were drunk.
Homer: And how.
Rev. and Mrs. Lovejoy are talking to Marge
Rev. Lovejoy: Get a divorce.
Helen Lovejoy: Mmm-hmm.
Marge: But isn't that a sin?
Rev. Lovejoy: Marge, just about everything is a sin. [Holds up a Bible] You ever sat down and read this thing? Technically, we're not allowed to go to the bathroom.
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