The Simpsons/Season 7

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The Simpsons Season 7

Who Shot Mr. Burns? (Part Two)[edit]

[Smithers sits in a confessional.]
Smithers: Father, I'm not a Catholic. I tried to march in the St. Patrick's day parade but... anyway, I've got a rather large sin to confess. I'm the one who... [breaks down sobbing] Who shot Mr. Burns!
[Chief Wiggum opens the screen and cocks his pistol.]
Chief Wiggum: That's all I needed to hear. Boy, this thing works great.

[Eddie and Lou interrogate Moe with a lie detector.]
Eddie: Do you hold a grudge against Montgomery Burns?
Moe: No. [buzz, red light] All right, maybe I did. But I didn't shoot him! [ding, green light]
Eddie: Checks out. Okay, sir, you're free to go.
Moe: Good, 'cause I got a hot date tonight. [buzz] A date. [buzz] Dinner with friends. [buzz] Dinner alone. [buzz] Watching TV alone. [buzz] All right! I'm going to sit at home and ogle the ladies in the Victoria's Secret catalog! [buzz] Sears catalog. [ding] Now, would you unhook this already, please?! I don't deserve this kind of shabby treatment! [buzz]

Mr. Burns: Officers, arrest the baby!
Chief Wiggum: Yeah, right, pops. No jury in the world is gonna convict a baby. Hmm... maybe Texas.

[Homer is pointing Chief Wiggums's revolver at Mr. Burns's forehead]
Homer: SAY IT BURNS, SAY I NEVER SHOT YOU!!!... Before.
Mr. Burns: [Not recognizing Homer again] Shot? By you my primitive friend I'm afraid not. Your kind has neither the cranial capacity nor the opposable digits to correctly operate a firearm. The one who shot me was...[scans the crowd] AHH! AHH! MAGGIE SIMPSON!

Radioactive Man[edit]

[Hollywood. Executive producer is looking through Variety magazine to scout out a potential location to film the Radioactive Man movie. He sees full page colorful ads that say "Film New York", "Film Utah" and "Film Texas" before coming to a small section that says "Flim Springfield"]
Executive producer: All right. This town must be hot. They don't need a large ad or even correct spelling! [buzzes his secretary] Get me two tickets for whatever state Springfield is in!

Bart: George Burns was right. Show business is a hideous bitch goddess.

Lisa: Cheer up, Bart. Milhouse is still going to need a true friend, someone to tell him he's great. Someone to rub lotion on him. Someone he can hurl whiskey bottles at when he's feeling low.
Bart: You're right, Lis, I can suck up to him. Like the religious people suck up to God.

Lionel Hutz: [to Milhouse] And your drug dealurr uh keeper awayer.

Rainer Wolfcastle: (as a wave of sulfuric acid washes over him) MY EYES!! The goggles do nothing!!

Home Sweet Homediddly-Dum-Doodily[edit]

Marge: This is soooo relaxing. Homie, this is a wonderful idea.
Homer: Hehehe, yeah. If that Mafia guy weren't staring at us, I'd take off my towel.
Mafia Guy: [off-camera] Aw don't mind-a me. Look, I do it first.
Marge: Hm?

[Bart and Lisa have been taken by Social Welfare and are taken to the Flander's house.]
Homer: We leave you the kids for three hours and the county takes them away?!
Grampa: Oh, bitch, bitch, bitch!

Homer: Okay, don't panic! To find Flanders, you just have to think like Flanders...
Homer's brain: I'm a big four-eyed lame-o. I wear the same stupid sweater everyday at--
Homer: The Springfield River!

Bart: Wow, Dad, you took a baptismal for me. How do you feel?
Homer: [blissfully] Oh, Bartholomew, I feel like St. Augustine of Hippo after his conversion by Ambrose of Milan.
Ned: Wait! Homer, what did you just say?
Homer (nastily): I SAID, "SHUT YOUR UGLY FACE, FLANDERS!!"
Ned Oh, fair enough.

Ned Flanders: Hi-dily ho, neglect-a-renos

Bart Sells His Soul[edit]

Homer: Hey, Marge. Remember when we used to make out to this hymn?
Marge: [giggles before shushing a giggling Homer]

Reverend Lovejoy: I know one of you is responsible for this, so repeat after me: If I withhold the truth may I go straight to hell, where I will eat naught but burning hot coal and drink naught but burning hot cola...
Ralph Wiggum: [scared] Where fiery demons will punch me in the back...
Bart: [nonchalant] Where my soul will be chopped into confetti and strewn upon a parade of murderers and single mothers...
Milhouse: [clearly nervous] Where my tongue will be torn out by ravenous birds...
[A raven outside crows menacingly.]
Milhouse: Bart did it! That Bart, right there!
Bart: [angry] Milhouse!
Reverend Lovejoy: Milhouse, you did the right thing. Bart, come with me for punishment. [grabs Bart, then reaches back for Milhouse] You too, snitchy.

Reverend Lovejoy: For your punishment you are going to clean every one of the pipes of the pipe organ which you have befouled with your music.
Reverend Lovejoy departs; Bart and Milhouse start cleaning
Bart: Milhouse, I cannot believe you ratted me out.
Milhouse: Sorry about that Bart, but I did not want birds eating my soul.
Bart: You actually fell for that? There is no such thing as a soul. It is just something they made up to scare kids, like the Boogeyman or Michael Jackson.

Moe: The deep fryer's here! I got it used from the Navy. You can flash-fry a buffalo in 40 seconds.
Homer: Forty seconds?! But I want it now!

Homeless Man: Alfred Hitchcock stole every idea I ever had!

[Pieces of Uncle Moe's family feedbag are being taken away]
Moe: Get rid of it all.
Barney: Hey Moe you could've at least kept the fire extinguishers.
Moe: Nah, too many bad memories.

[Lisa in his brother's room after giving Bart his soul back]
Lisa: But you know Bart, some philosophers believe that nobody is born with a soul. [Bart eats the paper] That you have to earn one through suffering and thought and prayer, like you did last night.

Lisa the Vegetarian[edit]

[chasing the runaway pig for the barbecue]
Homer: It's just a little dirty, it's still good, it's still good!
[it passes through traffic, jumps a bridge and lands in the water]
Homer: It's just a little slimy, it's still good, it's still good!
[it gets caught into the dam spillway, and when the pressure builds, it shoots into the sky]
Homer: It's just a little airborne, it's still good, it's still good!
Bart: It's gone.
Homer: I know.
[at Mr. Burns' office]
Mr. Burns: You know, Smithers, I think I'll donate a million dollars to the local orphanage... when pigs fly!
[they both laugh, the pig flies across the power plant and they stopped beyond belief]
Smithers: Will you be donating that million dollars now, sir?
Mr. Burns: No, I'd still prefer not.

[later in Storytown Village]
Father Bear: "Somebody's been sleeping in my bed."
Mother Bear: [distorted due to technical problems]
Baby Bear: "Somebody's been sleeping in my bed."
Abe: [gets up] Well, I'm sorry, but it was 150 degrees in the car!

[at Skinner's office]
Skinner: Uh-oh. Two independent thought alarms in one day. The students are overstimulated. Willie, remove all the colored chalk from the classrooms.
Willie: I WARNED YA!! Didn't I warn ya!? That colored chalk was forged by Lucifer himself!!

[During "The Meat Council Presents: Meat and You: Partners in Freedom", Number 3F03 in the "Resistance is Useless" series.]'
Jimmy: Mr. McClure, I have a crazy friend who says it's wrong to eat meat. Is he crazy?
Troy McClure: [laughing] No, Jimmy, just ignorant. You see, your crazy friend never heard of the food chain. Just ask this scientitian.
Scientist: Uhhh...
Troy McClure: He'll tell you that in nature one creature invariably eats another to survive. Don't kid yourself, Jimmy. If a cow ever got the chance, he'd eat you and everyone you care about!
Jimmy: Wow, Mr. McClure, I was a Grade A Moron to ever question eating meat.
Troy McClure: Ha Ha Ha Ha... Yes you were, Jimmy. Yes you were. [playfully rubs Jimmy's head]
Jimmy: You're hurting me...

Treehouse of Horror VI[edit]

Homer: (laughs) I've got your doughnut, Lard Lad! And what are you going to do about it?

[The Zip Boys mascots come to life]
Old Jewish Man: Fellas! Where are you going at this hour? [their heads, being so huge, fall to the ground under their own weight and they drag them away] Hey! Don't scratch up them heads!

[Seeing a very tall man Chief Wiggum pulls out his gun and shoots him]
Wiggum: Aw, they're not so tough.
Lou: Um...Chief, that wasn't a monster. That was the captain of the high school basketball team.
Wiggum: Uh, yeah, well, he was turning into a monster, though.

Lisa: Bart, don't you realize what this means? The next time we fall asleep, we could die!
Abe: Eh, welcome to my world! [falls asleep]

Homer's Brain: [as he enters the 3rd dimension] Oh, glory of glories. Oh, heavenly testament to the eternal majesty of God's creation.
Homer: Holy macaroni!

[Lard Lad's giant donut is in the middle of the Simpsons' living room, along with Homer lying in the center of it. The doorbell rings, and Homer is greeted by the angry face of Lard Lad]
Homer: Hello? Yes? Oh...if you're looking for that giant donut, uh..Flanders has it. Just go smash open his house. [Homer closes the door as loud footsteps trail off] He came to life. Good for him. [smashing is heard as the screen shakes, and footsteps are heard hurriedly heading back to the Simpsons home. The doorbell rings, Homer answers and is greeted by the same angrier Lard Lad]
Ned: [running in the background] Help me Lord!
Homer: I told you, Flanders has it! Or Moe. Go kill Moe.

[Homer drives through an alley of Advertisements. Lardlad Donuts is Homer's Favorite]"
Homer: Ah, the Miracle Mile, where value wears a neon sombrero and there's not a single Church or Library to offend the Eye. There it is! The chain that put the "fat" in "fat Southern Sheriffs".

King-Size Homer[edit]

Homer: "Explosion imminent". [scrolls back through text, sees gas wasn't vented] Oh, my God! The plant's going to explode!
[Power Plant. Carl and Lenny walk past the rumbling tank without a clue]
Carl: Hey, that thing's going caca-cuckoo.
Lenny: Who cares? It's Homer's problem.
Homer: Wait! I know! [types] Vent gas. "Pressure too high"? "Tank must be shut down manually"? [to drinking bird] Oh, stupid bird! I've never put you in charge! [strangles a bit] Why you... Oh, who am I kidding? It's all my fault! [the bird nods] I gotta call the plant and warn them! [grabs phone, but his fingers are too fat to dial one key at a time]
Operator: The fingers you have use to dial are too fat. To obtain a special dialing wand, please mash the keypad with your palm now.
Homer: Aghh! [runs to the car] I'm going to have to shut it down myself. Fat, don't fail me now! [jumps in car; tires blow out] D'oh! [jumps on skateboard; snaps in half] Oh-oh!

Homer: Get away, damn it! Run for your lives!
Worker 1: I'll take a rocket pop!
Worker 2: What can I get for thirty cents?!
Homer: Let go! I've got to get to the tank! [the truck crashes and tips on its side; Homer runs out]
Worker 3: Heck, I can't decide without the pictures.

[Last lines of episode]
Mr. Burns: Homer, your quick-thinking and bravery have turned a potential Chernobyl into a mere Three Mile Island. Bravo!
Lisa: I still consider it ironic that Dad's girth saved the day, while a slimmer man would have fallen to his death.
Bart: And I consider it ironic that, for once, Dad's butt actually prevented the release of toxic ga--
Marge: Bart!

Mr. Burns: Now Homer, if there is anything else I can do for you, please let me know. [Homer looks at his family, and realizes his obesity is making life hard for them]
Homer: Can you please make me thin again?
Mr. Burns: I guarantee it.
[Nighttime. Homer and Burns are now the only ones at plant. Mr. Burns is frustrated by Homer's girth and straining himself to do sit-ups]
Mr. Burns: One. One. One! [throws down his megaphone in frustration] Bah! I'll just pay for the blasted liposuction.
Homer: Woo-hoo!

Homer: 'Bart and Lisa have to go to school while I get to stay ho-ome, na-na-na-na-na!
Lisa: I like school.
Homer: Well, why don't you live in it then?
Lisa: I would if i could.

[Bart fantasizes about being as fat as Homer and being on Workman's Compensation.]
Bart: [Showing a rag on a stick] (southern accent) I wash myself with a rag on a stick.
[The members of the press all applaud Bart.]

[Homer weighs himself a second time - the scales read 225.]
Homer: 225?! That means I lost weight!
Bart: Uh, Homer... you're on the towel rack.
[Homer takes his flabby tummy off the towel rack. The scales then read 296.]
Homer: Woo-hoo! Four more pounds and my dream comes true - working at home...

[The scales read 299.]
Homer: Oh! I've got 15 minutes to gain a pound or I'll have to face another day at work!
Bart: Bad news, Dad. We're out of food. We've even ran out of the basic elements of food. You ate all the tarragon and drank all the soy sauce.
Homer: I need a miracle.
Maggie: [Handing Homer a Play-Doh donut]
Homer: Oh, honey, that looks like a real donut.
Bart: Dad! It says 'non-toxic'!
Homer: Well, that's a plus. [eating the Play-Doh donut]
[The scales go just over 300.]
Homer: Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hooooo! I did it!
Bart: Uh, Dad - towel rack!
Homer: [after getting his stomach off the towel rack, the scales read 315] (giggling) Oh my.

Mother Simpson[edit]

[After Homer has seemingly been sucked to his death in a hydro-electric turbine]
Mr. Burns: Smithers, who was that corpse?
Smithers: Homer Simpson, sir. [tearfully] One of the finest, bravest men to ever grace Sector 7-G... [calmly] I'll cross him off the list.

[Homer clears the moss away from the headstone of what he thinks is his mother's grave.]
Homer: Oh, Mom, I'm sorry I never visit, I'm just not a cemetery person. [reads tombstone engraving] "Here...lies..."
[He clears the last of the moss away. The name on the stone is Walt Whitman. Homer is enraged.]
Homer: Walt Whitman?! Arrrrgggghh!!! Damn you, Walt Whitman! [kicking the stone] I-hate-you-Walt-freaking-Whitman! Leaves of Grass, my ass!

[The FBI storm the Simpson house, looking for Mona.]
Joe Friday: Freeze. FBI. The jig is up.
Grampa: Alright, I admit it: I am the Lindbergh baby! Wah! Wah! Goo-goo. I missed my fly-fly, dada!
Friday: Are you trying to stall us, or are you just senile?
Grampa: A little from column A, a little from column B.

Chief Wiggum: [Reading Homer's tombstone upside down] Put out an APB on a Uosdwis R. Dewoh. Yea better start with Greek Town.

Grampa: [To Mona] Well, what do you expect?! You left me to raise the boy on my own!
Mona: [To Grampa]: I had to leave! You didn't have to tell Homer I was dead!
Grampa: It was either that, or tell him his mother was a wanted criminal! You were a rotten wife, and I'll never, ever forgive you! (beat): Can we have sex? Please?

[In the post office]
Mr. Burns: Yes, I'd like to send this letter to the Prussian consulate in Siam by aeromail. Am I too late for the 4:30 autogyro?

Mona: [as she is leaving] Don't worry, Homer. You will always be a part of me. [hits her head on the van] D'oh!

Sideshow Bob's Last Gleaming[edit]

[As the Simpsons enter the air show the squeaky voiced teen is standing at the gate in an Air Force uniform, directing traffic.]
Bart: Way to guard the parking lot, top gun.
Squeaky-Voiced Teen: I have three medals for this!

[Bart and Grandpa come across the Wright Brothers' airplane.]
Bart: Look at that hunk of junk.
Grampa: [sputters] You're ignorant! That's the Wright Brothers' plane! In Kitty Hawk in 1903, Charles Lindbergh flew it 15 miles on a thimble full of corn oil. Single-handedly won us the Civil War, it did.
Bart: How do you know so much about history, Grandpa?
Grandpa: I pieced it together, mostly from sugar packets.

Sideshow Bob: [speaking on a large TV screen] Hello, Springfield. Sorry to divert your attention from all the big noises and shiny things. But something's been troubling me lately: television! Wouldn't our lives be so much richer if television were done away with?
Moe: What?
Dr. Hibbert: Surely he's not talking about VH1.
Sideshow Bob: Why, we could revive the lost arts of conversation...and scrimshaw. Therefore I submit to you, we abolish television...permanently!
Homer: Go back to Massachusetts, pinko!
Sideshow Bob: Oh, and one more thing; I've stolen a nuclear weapon. And if you do not rid this city of television in two hours, I will detonate it. Farewell. [Bob cuts the link, then turns it back on] By the way, I'm well aware of the irony of appearing on TV in order to decry it, so don't bother pointing that out.

Mayor Quimby: Our city will not negotiate with terrorists. Is there a city nearby that will?
Colonel: No need, sir. We'll find that head case faster than Garfield finds lasagne. [pause] Oh..I'm..sorry. My wife thought that was gang busters.

The Simpsons 138th Episode Spectacular[edit]

[Deleted scene from Treehouse of Horror IV.]
Bart: I'd sell my soul for a Formula 1 racing car.
[Devil Flanders appears with a Formula 1 racing car.]
Devil Flanders: Heh, heh, heh, that can be arranged.
Bart: Changed my mind, sorry.
[Devil Flanders vanishes.]
Bart: Cooooool...
Marge: Bart, stop pestering Satan!

[Deleted scene from Burns' Heir.]
Homer: Bart, you're coming home!
Bart: I wanna stay here with Mr. Burns!
Mr. Burns (threateningly): I suggest you leave immediately.
Homer: Or what? You'll release the dogs or the bees? Or the dogs with bees in their mouths and when they bark, they shoot bees at you? Well, go ahead: Do your worst!
Mr. Burns: "My worst," eh? Smithers, release the robotic Richard Simmons!
(Smithers pulls a lever on the side of the house. A door on the side of the stairs slides up, revealing a pear-shaped robot in a tank top and short-shorts with Richard Simmons' hair and voice. The robot walks up to Homer)
Robotic Simmons: Come on, big boys! Shake the butter off those buns!
(A speaker slides out the side of his head, blaring "Shake Your Booty" by K.C. and the Sunshine Band. The robot begins disco dancing and Homer tries to back away from him; Homer then runs screaming from Burns' manor; as Burns, Bart, and Smithers keep watching, they turn and find the robotic Simmons right next to them, still dancing and still playing "Shake Your Booty")
Robotic Simmons: Come on, come on, now. Shake, shake, shake. (continues dancing)
Mr. Burns: Smithers, he's out of control!
Smithers: I'll take him out, sir. (extracts his shotgun from his jacket pocket and shoots the robot square in the eye; the blown out eye soon reforms and the robot continues dancing, only this time, the music is warped and the robot begins shaking violently)
Smithers: His ass is gonna blow!
(Smithers, Burns, and Bart run screaming back into the house as the Robotic Simmons explodes, his head landing miles away at the mansion's front gate)

[One of the false endings to Who Shot Mister Burns?.]
Lisa: And, with your last ounce of strength, you pointed to W and S, Waylon Smithers.
[People gasp upon seeing Smithers is the one who shot Mr. Burns.]
Mr. Burns: Smithers, for attempting to kill me, I am giving you a 5% pay cut.
Smithers: Aww!
Troy McClure: But, of course, for that ending to work, you would have to ignore all the Simpson DNA evidence (chuckles): and that would be downright nutty!

Marge Be Not Proud[edit]

[As Bart contemplates stealing a copy of Bonestorm, he imagines several video game characters talking to him.]
Luigi: Go ahead, Bart. Take-a the Bonestorm.
Mario: The store, she's so rich! She'll-a never notice!
Donkey Kong: Duh, it's the company's fault for making you want it so much.
Lee Carvallo: Don't do it, son. How's that game gonna help your putting?
Sonic the Hedgehog: Just take it! Takeit-takeit-takeit-takeit-takeit! Take it!!!

[Lee Carvallo's putting challenge during the closing credits.]
Lee Carvallo: Welcome to Lee Carvallo’s Putting Challenge. I am Carvallo. Please select club.
You have selected... 3-wood. May I suggest... putter?
3-wood. Now select force of swing. May I suggest, feather touch?
You have selected Power drive! Press 7-8-7 to swing.
Ball is in... parking lot. Would you like to play again?
You have selected... no.

[Bart sees a sign saying "Bonestorm - 99 cents." He rushes inside.]
Bart: I'd like to buy a copy of Bonestorm. Here's 99 cents.
Comic Book Guy: [sighs] Allow me to summarize the proposed transaction. You wish to purchase Bonestorm for 99 cents. Net profit to me: negative 59 dollars. [opens the cash register] Please take my 59 dollars, I don't want it, it's yours. [Bart reaches forward to take the cash.] Eh-eh-eh--! Seeing as you are unfamiliar with sarcasm, I shall close the cash register at this point, and state that 99 cents is the rental price.
Bart: Then may I please rent it, please?
Comic Book Guy: No, you may not. I am all out, though I do have a surprising abundance of Lee Carvallo's Putting Challenge.

Milhouse: This is great, and all I've done is enter my name - Thrillhouse! [TV screen shows 'WELCOME THRILLHO']
Bart: [Walking in] Say, cool dude, can I play too?
Milhouse: Uh, uh... it's only a one player game.
Bart: Then how come it says 'second player score'?
Milhouse: Mom, Bart's swearing!

Bart: Hey, how come you're not playing 'Bonestorm'?
Milhouse: Ehh... it got boring. I'm really into this cup and ball now! [laughing] You never know which way this crazy ball's gonna go!
Bart: Yeah, right. You're just trying to trick me because you don't want me playing your video game.
Milhouse: [giving Bart the video game] Here, go ahead.
Bart: No, let me try the cup and ball.
Milhouse: Get your own!
Bart: Come on! Don't be a cup-and-ball hog!
Milhouse: Hey! Give it! That's mine!
[Bart and Milhouse fight for the cup-and-ball.]
Milhouse: MOM! BART'S SMOKING!

Marge: What's the matter with your face? Is that a fake nose? Are you wearing chin putty?
Bart: I don't have to listen of these wild allegations! (chin putty falls off and lands near Santa's Little Helper. He eats it)
Marge: Please, Bart, no more pranks. It would mean so much to me if we could have just one nice family photo. (Shows Bart three of their last Christmas photos: one with Bart making a cross-eyed funny face, another with Bart using a comb to simulate a Hitler mustache, and a third with Bart holding a cardboard speech bubble that reads, "I stink!" next to Homer)
Homer: Hey, I don't remember saying that!

[Marge exits the bathroom and joins Homer who's wearing half-moon glasses. He has found a proper punishment for Bart, while she is still distraught by his shoplifting at Try 'n' Save.]
Homer: I've figured out the boy's punishment. First, he's grounded. No leaving the house, not even for school. Second, no egg nog. In fact, no nog, period. And third, absolutely no stealing for three months.
Marge: I always thought I understood my special little guy, but somewhere along the road, his hand slipped away from mine.
[looks at a handprint of "Bart, age 4"]
Homer: Ehh, what are you going to do?
Marge: [pause] Mmm. He's not my little baby anymore. Maybe I mother him too much.

Team Homer[edit]

Moe: You go through life, you try to resist the urge to punch people in the face, and for what? For some pimply little puke to treat you like dirt! Well, I'm better than dirt! Well... most kinds of dirt. I mean, not that fancy store-bought dirt. That stuff's loaded with nutrients. I... I can't compete with that stuff.

Bart: Mom, my slingshot doesn't fit in these pockets. And these shorts leave nothing to the imagination. These uniforms suck.
Marge: Bart, where do you pick up words like that?
Homer: [on phone] Yeah, Moe, that team sure did suck last night. They just plain sucked. I've seen teams suck before, but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked.
Marge: Homer, watch your mouth!
Homer: Aw, I gotta go. My damn wiener kids are listening. [hangs up]

Mr. Burns: I would like to join your bowling team.
Homer: You want to join my what?
Smithers: You want to what his team?

Homer: Hey, everybody! If you wanna ask Burns for a favor, now's the time! He's doped up or dying or something! [Hans Moleman enters Burns' office]
Hans: Uh, excuse me, I'd like to request $17 for a push-broom rebristling.
Burns: Why, it's that delightful TV leprechaun! I'm going to get your Lucky Charms. [grabs a drill near Moleman's head. Cut outside of office]
Hans: [offscreen] Oh no, my brains...

Two Bad Neighbors[edit]

George Bush: If he thinks George Bush won't go into the sewer, well then he doesn't know George Bush.

Grampa: Big deal! When I was a pup, we got spanked by Presidents till the cows came home. Grover Cleveland spanked me on two non-consecutive occasions!
Marge: Grandpa, we know in your day, spanking was common. But Homer and I don't believe in that kind of discipline!
Grandpa: And that's why your no-good kids are running wild!
[He points over at Lisa, in a beanbag chair, reading. She looks up, confused.]

[Homer watches Bush go jogging past with Reverend Lovejoy, Dr. Hibbert, and Lenny]
Homer: Huh. Look at those phonies, sucking up to Bush. [Santa's Little Helper barks and runs off after them] I guess you might say he's barking up the wrong Bush. [laughs]
Homer's Brain: Well there it is, Homer: the cleverest thing you'll ever say and nobody heard it.
Homer: D'oh!

Marge: [picks up a toy pistol] Well, we don't need this.
Homer: [ecstatic] Whic-- Marge! That's the Rhinestone Nights fashion gun! [holds a leather jacket] I need it to rhinestone up my old clothing.
Marge: Who's Disco Stu?
Homer: Uhh, I wanted to write "Disco Stud", but I ran out of space. Not that Disco Stu didn't get his share of the action!

[Seeing Homer's Disco Stu jacket]
Man: Hey Stu, you aught to buy this.
Disco Stu: Hey, Disco Stu doesn't advertise.

Homer: [singing, to the tune of "Big Spender"] Hey big spender! Dig this blender! Rainbow suspenders! Hey big spender!
Crowd: [singing] We surrender!
Homer: [singing] Spe-e-e-e-e-end some dough at table three!
[crowd applauds]
Homer: Thank you neighbours, thank you! Now let's give it up for table five! [singing, to the tune of "Stayin' Alive"] Ah, ah, ah, ah, table five, table five! Ah, ah, ah, ah, table fi-i-i-i-i-i-i-ive...
Dico Stu: [after Homer stops] Disco Stu likes disco music.

Scenes from the Class Struggle in Springfield[edit]

Homer: Look at these low, low prices on famous brand-name electronics!
Bart: Don't be a sap, Dad. These are just crappy knock-offs!
Homer: Pfft! I know a genuine Panaphonics when I see one. And look, there's Magnetbox and Sorny.

[Homer has taken up golf as a hobby and is practicing hitting golf balls into the commodes in the men's room at the nuclear plant, which is clandestinely being observed by Mr. Burns and Smithers on their surveillance cameras.]
Mr. Burns: Smithers, who is that lavatory linksman?
Smithers: Homer Simpson, sir. From Sector 7-G.
Mr. Burns: Simpson, eh? Well, invite him to the country club. I believe I finally may have a challenge in golf. I have not lost a game since I let Richard Nixon win during his beleaguered second term.
Smithers: That was very thoughtful of you, sir.
Mr. Burns: Oh, he just looked so forlorn, Smithers, with his [imitating Nixon] "Ohhh, I can't go to prison, Monty. They'll eat me alive!" [normal voice] Say, I wonder if this Homer Nixon is of any relation?
Smithers: Unlikely sir, as they spell and pronounce their names differently.

Homer: But Marge... valets! For once maybe someone will call me "sir" without adding "You're making a scene."

Mr. Burns: Use an open faced club. A sand wedge.
Homer: Mmm, open faced club sandwich.

[Homer is putting the wrong score on his card]
Tom Kite: Hey the point of cheating at golf is to lower your score.

[After making a great shot]
Tom Kite: Great shot Homer.
Homer: You really think so?
Tom: Yeah. Now all you need is your own set of clubs. And stay the hell out of my locker! You can keep the shoes.

Bart the Fink[edit]

Bart: Boy, I sure I could have a hundred tacos right about now.
Marge: No! [yanks Bart. Comic Book Guy exits with a wheelbarrow full of tacos]
Comic Book Guy: Yes, this should provide adequate sustenance for the Doctor Who marathon.

[A series of IRS agents investigate Krusty's check, then place a call to his bank in the Cayman Islands.]
Cayman Islands Offshore Holding Corporation Manager: [chuckles] Oh, I'm sorry. I can't divulge information about that customer's secret, illegal account. [hangs up phone] ...Oh crap. I shouldn't have said he was a customer... Oh, crap. I shouldn't have said it was secret... Oh, crap! I certainly shouldn't have said it was illegal! [sits back, fanning himself] Ah, it's too hot today.

[Krusty is being audited by the IRS.]
Krusty: Oh, I can't go to jail! I got a swanky lifestyle! I'm used to the best!
IRS Agent #1: Krusty, this is America. We don't send our celebrities to jail; we're just going to garnish your salary.
Krusty: Garnish my celery?!
IRS Agent #1: Please, Krusty, no jokes.
Krusty: Who's joking?! [sobs] Oh, I don't know what you're saying, it all sounds so crazy to me!
IRS Agent #2: It simply means we will be taking part of your salary until your debt is repaid. Say, 75% for 40 years.
Krusty: But I don't plan to live that long!
IRS Agent #1: Better make it 95%.
Krusty: Oh-hoh, boy!

Troy McClure: Hello, I'm Troy McClure! You might remember me from such celebrity funerals as "Andre The Giant, We Hardly Knew Ye" and "Shemp Howard: Today We Mourn A Stooge."

Krusty: Who needs friends!? The incessant beep of the global positioning system is all the companionship I need. [The GPS electrocutes Krusty. In a fury, he throws it overboard.] Tell me where you are now, you bastard!

[Krusty's show has been taken over by the IRS]
Krusty: I could sure go for a banana cream pie right about now. [Smacks his lips]
[An IRS agent backstage gestures that they don't have the money]
Krusty: I guess we can't afford pies right now. Well throw somethin'!
[IRS agent throws his briefcase and it hits Krusty in the eye]
Krusty: OW, THE CORNER!

[Skinner opens his front door and sees his mother with Superintendent Chalmers]
Skinner: Mother!
Agnes Skinner: Seymour!
Skinner: Superintendent Chalmers!
Chalmers: Skinner?!
Skinner: What I wouldn't give for something to distract from this awkward moment...
[Krusty flies by in his plane, sobbing and looping out of control.]
Skinner: That'll do nicely.

[Bart blows up a Krusty balloon and the face is deformed]
Bart: Have you seen this man?
Sea Captain: Aye, that's Handsome Pete. He dances for nickels.[Turns to the back door] Pete, ya got some customers!
[a dwarf whose face resembles Krusty's comes in and plays an accordion while dancing]

Lisa the Iconoclast[edit]

Mrs. Krabappel: "Embiggens"? I never heard that word before I came to Springfield.
Miss Hoover: I don't know why. It's a perfectly cromulent word.

Homer: [ringing bell] Hear ye, hear ye! Ye olde town crier proclaimed crappy by all! Chooseth Homer Simpson, and he shalt rock thy world!
Chief Wiggum: My God, he is fabulous!
Principal Skinner: He's embiggened that role with his cromulent performance.

Homer the Smithers[edit]

Homer: Here are your messages: "You have 30 minutes to move your car," "You have 10 minutes," "Your car has been impounded," "Your car has been crushed into a cube," "You have 30 minutes to move your cube."
[phone rings]
Homer: [answering] Hello, Mr. Burns' office.
Mr. Burns: Is it about my cube?

Smithers: Montgomery Burns' office. Oh hello, Mrs Burns. I'll see if your son is available.
Homer: Mr Burns has a mother? She must be 100 million years old!
Smithers: [to Homer] She has limited capacities. All she can do is dial and yell. [talks back to Mrs Burns] I'm sorry, Monty can't come to the phone right now. He's in a very important meeting and can't be disturbed. [shot of Burns trying to avoid falling asleep] Uh-huh... okay, I'll give him the message. [hangs up] Mr Burns can't stand talking to his mother. He never forgave her for having that affair with President Taft.
Homer: [chuckling] Taft, you old dog!

Marge: Is there something wrong, Homie?
Homer: No.
Marge: Except?
Homer: Except... I killed Mr. Burns!
Lisa: What happened, Dad?
Homer: I punched Burns right in his 104-year-old face!
Lisa: Are you sure he's dead? Maybe you just really, really hurt him.
Marge: Okay, maybe everything is alright. Maybe if you go apologize, he might not even fire you... if he's alive.

Mr. Burns: Doughnuts? I told you I don't like ethnic foods.

[Homer is helping Smithers to a taxi with his bags]
Smithers: Is there anything else you need to know? [gets in]
Homer: Uhh... What do I do in case of fire?
Smithers: [The window is rolled up and his voice is muffled] Sorry, can't hear you. [Taxi starts driving off] Good luck.
[Homer goes back to Mr. Burns's office and it is on fire]
Homer: Aww, just my luck.

Homer uses a fire extinguisher to quench the blaze in Mr. Burns office, which miraculously suffers no fire damage, nor is Mr. Burns even aware he was trapped in a fire
Mr. Burns: Good Lord Smithers, you look attrocious! I thought I told you to take a vacation.
Homer: Uh, Smithers already left, sir. I am his replacement, Homer Simpson.
Mr. Burns: Simpson, eh? Ah yes, I will have my lunch now. A single pillow of shredded wheat, some steamed toast, and a dodo egg.
Homer: But I think the dodo went extinct.
Mr. Burns: Get going! And after lunch install a computer system and rotate my office so the window faces the hills!

The Day the Violence Died[edit]

Chester: He didn't create Itchy: I did.
Bart: Huh?
Chester: He stole the character from me in 1928. When I complained, his thugs kicked me out of his office, and dropped an anvil on me. Luckily, I was carrying an umbrella at the time.

[Watching "Amendment To Be", which has replaced "Itchy & Scratchy".]
Bart: What the hell is this?
Lisa: It's one of those campy '70s throwbacks that appeals to Generation X'ers.
Bart: We need another Vietnam to thin out their ranks a little!

Roger Myers, Jr.: Okay, maybe my dad did steal Itchy. But so what? Animation is built on plagiarism. If it weren’t for someone plagiarizing The Honeymooners we wouldn’t have The Flintstones. If someone hadn’t ripped off Sergeant Bilko, there’d be no Top Cat. Huckleberry Hound, Chief Wiggum (Chief Wiggum stares at Roger Meyers), Yogi Bear, hah! Andy Griffith, Edward G. Robinson, Art Carney. Your Honor, you take away our right to steal ideas, where are they gonna come from? (points to Marge in the galley): Her?
Marge: How about...Ghost Mutt?

A Fish Called Selma[edit]

First lines of episode
TV Announcer: Movie for a Rained-Out Ball Game presents The Muppets Go Medieval. Starring Dyan Cannon and Troy McClure.
Kermit the Frog: Foul villian, unhand that woman!
Miss Piggy: Quiet, frog!
Bart: What is a Muppet?
Homer{chuckling}: It is not quite a mop, and it is not a pet! To tell the truth, I don't know.
Troy McClure{as black knight}: Oh princess fair, wilst thou grant thee thine dainty hoof in marriage?
Bart: Hey, who is that leathery muppet?
Marge: He is not a Muppet. That is Troy McClure. Back in the 1970s he was quite the teen heartthrob.
Homer: Troy McClure? That guy's a freak!
Marge: What are you talking about?
Homer: You know, his bizarre personal life. Those weird things they say he does down at the aquarium. Why, I heard...
Marge: Oh, Homer, that's just an urban legend. People don't do that kind of thing with fish!

Louie: Troy McClure!? You said he was dead!
Fat Tony: No, what I said is that he sleeps with the fishes! You see...
Louie: Uh, Tony, please, no. I just ate a whole plate of dingamagoo.

Bart on the Road[edit]

Homer: Doughnut?
Lisa: No, thanks. Do you have any fruit?
Homer: This has purple stuff inside. Purple is a fruit.

Nelson: [in awe] What is this place?
Bart: Branson, Missouri. My dad says it's like Vegas... if it were run by Ned Flanders.

[Homer makes a crank call to Moes]
Homer: I'd like to speak to a Mr. Snotball, first name Eura?
Moe: Eura Snotball?
Homer: What?! How dare you?! If I find out who this is, I'll staple a flag to your butt and mail you to Iran!

Homer: [after Lisa tells him about Bart's problem; his face turns a weird shade of red and he is unnervingly calm] Yes... that's a real pickle. Would you excuse me for a moment?
[He turns to the wall, puts on a radiation suit hood and screams out muffled obscenities, then removes the hood and turns to face Lisa, eerily calm again.]
Homer: All right, I have thought this through. I will send Bart the money to fly home. Then I will murder him.

[Nelson trys to sell Milhouse's glasses in a pawn shop ]
Pawnbroker: Hey these are just what I need to fix those antique coke bottles. [Starts counting money] Three hundered, four hundred, five hundred.[A blind Millhouse knocks over the display of coke bottles and breaks them]... Five hundred, four hundred, three hundred, two hundred, one hundred, zero.
[Kicks them out of the store]

22 Short Films About Springfield[edit]

Sanjay: I wish you'd come to my party, Apu. You could use some merriment.
Apu: Listen, serving the customer is merriment enough for me. [Bart pays for his gum] Thank you, come again. You see? Most enjoyable.
Sanjay: Oh, I guarantee a wingding of titanic proportions. You will be there or kindly be square.
Apu: Well, I don't like to leave the store... [dusts off a "back in 5 minutes" sign] ...but for the next five minutes I'm going to party like it's on sale for $19.99!

Chairman: Dr. Nick, this malpractice committee has received a few complaints against you. [reads from clipboard] Of the 160 gravest charges, the most troubling are performing major operations with a knife and fork from a seafood restaurant...
Dr. Nick: But I cleaned them with my napkin.
Chairman: Misuse of the cadavers...
Dr. Nick: I get here earlier when I drive in the carpool lane.

[Principal Skinner's kitchen catches on fire in the middle of dinner with Superintendant Chalmers]
Principal Skinner: Oh well, that was wonderful. Good time was had by all. I'm pooped.
Superintendant Chalmers: Yes, I really should be-- [notices the fire] Good Lord, what is happening in there?
Skinner: Aurora borealis.
Chalmers: [fed up] Aurora borealis!? At this time of year, at this time of day, in this part of the country, localized entirely within your kitchen!?
Skinner: Yes.
Chalmers: [pause] May I see it?
Skinner: [pause] No.

[ Snake stops at a red light and sees Chief Wiggum crossing the street]
Wiggum: Doughnuts, I got doughnuts. I got, hey I know you.
[Snake wrecks his car while trying to run him down, then escapes on foot]
Wiggum: Hey come back, we gotta swap insurance info.

[Apu gets back to the Kwik-E-Mart and unlocks the door]
Hans Moleman: You took away 5 minutes of my life and I want them back.[Thinks for a second] Aww I'd only waste them anyway.

Raging Abe Simpson and His Grumbling Grandson in "The Curse of the Flying Hellfish"[edit]

[Grandpa makes a dangerous deep water dive to rescue Bart from being drowned by Mr. Burns.]
Bart: Sorry I made you lose the treasure, Grampa.
Grampa: The treasure's not important, boy; the most important thing is that you're safe. Now, let's go get that treasure!

[Bart is impressed with Grandpa's past heroism.]
Bart: Grandpa, do you think I could have been in the Flying Hellfish?
Grandpa: You're a give-em'-hell daredevil with a never-say-die attitude and a fourth-grade education! You could have made sergeant!

Much Apu About Nothing[edit]

Marge: What you're saying is so understandable. And really, your only crime was violating U.S. law.

Homer: Please identify this object.
Apu: It appears to be the flag that disappeared from the public library last year.
Homer: Correct. Now, we all know the thirteen stripes are for good luck, but why does the American flag have precisely forty-seven stars?
Apu: Because this particular flag is [chuckling] ridiculously out of date! The library must have purchased it during the brief period in 1912 after New Mexico became a state but before Arizona did.
Homer: Uh... partial credit.

Proctor: All right, here's your last question. What was the cause of the Civil War?
Apu: Actually, there were numerous causes. Aside from the obvious schism between the abolitionists and the anti-abolitionists, there were economic factors, both domestic and inter—
Proctor: Wait, wait... just say slavery.
Apu: Slavery it is, sir.

Homerpalooza[edit]

Homer: Aww, it makes no sense; I haven't changed since high school and suddenly I'm uncool.

[1974. Homer and Barney are singing to the tune of Leo Sayer's "Dancing".]
Homer: [off-key] You make me feel like dancin'!
Barney: [off-key] I wanna dance the night away!
Grampa: What the hell are you two doing?!
Homer: It's called "rocking out", dad. You're just not with it.
Grampa: I used to be with it, but then they changed what it was. Now what I'm with isn't it, and what's it seems weird and scary to me... it'll happen to you!
Homer: No way, man! We're gonna keep on rockin' Forever! Forever! Forever!
[fades to the current timeline]
Homer: [dejected] Forever... forever...

[During one of Homer's freak show performances.]
Teenager #1: Oh look, there's that cannonball guy. He's cool.
Teenager #2: Are you being sarcastic, dude?
Teenager #1: [after a pause] I don't even know any more...

[Homer informs Marge he want to join the Pageant of the Transmundane.]
Marge: So... you want to go on tour with a traveling freak show.
Homer: I don't think I have a choice, Marge.
Marge: Of course you have a choice.
Homer: How do you figure?
Marge: You don't have to join a freak show just because the opportunity came along.
Homer: You know Marge, in some ways, you and I are very different people.

[Backstage at the Springfield Hullabalooza show, a backstage assistant enters with a group of musicians in tow.]
Backstage Assistant: May I have your attention please! Who here ordered the London Symphony Orchestra? I repeat, someone here ordered the London Symphony Orchestra! Possibly while high!! Cypress Hill, I'm looking in your direction!!!
[The Cypress Hill members talk among themselves for a bit.]
B-Real: Uh, yeah, I think we did...um, do you guys know "Insane In The Membrane"?
Orchestra Player: We mainly play classical, but I suppose we could give it a shot...
[The track drops for "Insane In The Membrane", and Cypress Hill dance as the symphony orchestra starts to play its own interpretation.]

Summer of 4 Ft. 2[edit]

Marge: Well, did you call one of your friends?
Lisa: Hah! These are my only friends: grown up nerds like Gore Vidal, and even he's kissed more boys than I ever will.
Marge: Girls, Lisa. Boys kiss girls.

[Homer walks up to the counter in a convenience store.]
Homer: Yeah, um, give me one of those porno magazines, a large box of condoms, a bottle of Old Harper, a box of panty shields... [rapid undertone] and some illegal fireworks... [normal voice] and one of those disposable enemas. You know what? Make it two.
Owner: My apologies, sir, but the sale of fireworks is strictly prohibited in this state and is punishable by— [the only other customer in the store walks out the door] follow me.

[Marge is looking through the grocery bag filled with embarrassing hygiene and sexual products Homer bought at the convenience store.]
Marge: Ew, Homer. Whatever you're planning for tonight, count me out. Didn't you buy any meat?
Homer: [patting the giant firework] Hee, hee, hee! This baby's sure to kill somethin'!

[After Lisa finds out that the beach kids decorated the family car with seashells.]
Homer: SWEET, MERCIFUL CRAP! My car!

Erin: So, you like hanging out?
Lisa: Well, it beats doin' stuff.
Erin: Totally. Stuff sucks.