The Simpsons/Season 7

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The Simpsons Season 7

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[edit] Who Shot Mr. Burns? (Part Two) [7.01]

Tito Puente: Revenge? Of course. But why wound his body with bullets when I could set his soul afire with a slanderous mambo? Listen, if you will, to my revenge- uno, dos, tres!
[The band starts playing salsa music.]
Singer:
Wounds won't last long, but an insulting song Burns will always carry with him.
So I'll settle my score on the salsa floor
With this vengeful Latin rhythm.
Chorus: Burns!
Singer:
Con un corazón de perro. (translation: With the heart of a dog)
Chorus: Señor Burns!
Singer:
El diablo con dinero. (translation: The Devil with money)
It may not surprise you, but all of us despise you
Please die, and fry in hell
You rotten rich old wretch,
Adios, viejo. (translation: Goodbye, old man)
Wiggum: [clapping] Yeah! OK, OK, I believe you're innocent. Gee, I hope all our suspects are this much fun.
[next interview]
Principal Skinner:[slowly] Hmmmmm. Let me... let me think...
Wiggum: [impatiently] Oh boy.
Principal Skinner: Now, I did go to the meeting with the intention of ambushing Mr. Burns, so... I retired to the men's room to apply my camoflague makeup...
[Flashback; Skinner is standing in a men's restroom wearing a lady's mudpack and lipstick]
Principal Skinner: Blast! I took Mother's make-up kit by mistake!
[Superintendent Chalmers walks in]
Superintendent Chalmers: Oh! Uh, excuse me, ma'am.
Principal Skinner: [horrified] Superintendent Chalmers!
[Pause]
Superintendent Chalmers: [quiet disgust] Oh, my God...
[They hear the gunshot outside; end flashback]
Chief Wiggum: So, Superintendent Chalmers can vouch for your whereabouts?
Principal Skinner: Oh, yes... but anything else he tells you is a filthy lie.
Kent Brockman: How does it feel to be arrested for murder of your boss and mentor?
Smithers: Kent, I feel about as low as Madonna did when she found out she missed "Tailhook."
[laughter]
Kent Brockman: I'm gonna say "ouch" for Madonna!
Krusty: Hey! That's my Madonna gag! That guy stole my gag!
Sideshow Mel: And you stole it from last night's episode of "Pardon My Zinger."
Krusty: Stole, made up, what's the difference?
Smithers: So, instead of wounding an evil old man, I may have killed an innocent old man. That's much worse!
Krusty: About fifty thousand volts worse, if you know what I mean! [imitates electrocution sounds]
Chief Wiggum: Wait a minute, if a second old geezer got shot, how come no-one reported it?
[Cut to the Springfield Retirement Castle; Chief Wiggum knocks on Jasper's door. Jasper opens it.]
Chief Wiggum: Uh, hi. Um, could we take a look at your leg?
[Jasper removes his wodden leg, with the bullet lodged in it.]
Jasper: Yeah, that's real spruce. Do you like it?
Smithers: Thank god. [to Jasper] Sir, I only hope you can forgive me for shooting your wooden leg.
Jasper: You shot who in the what now?
[The police interrogate Groundskeeper Willie, who is dressed in his kilt.]
Willie: I'm tellin' ya! I could nae have shot Burns!
[He uncrosses, then recrosses his legs, a la Sharon Stone in "Basic Instinct." All the officers wince in disgust.
Eddie: [cocks his pistol] This is your last warning about that.
Willie: It's impossible for me to fire a pistol! If you'll check me medical records, you'll see I have a cripplin' arthritis in me index fingers! Look at 'em! I got it from Space Invaders in 1977.
Chief Wiggum: Oh, yeah. That was a pretty addictive video game!
Willie: Video game?
[Eddie and Lou interrogate Moe with a lie detector.]
Eddie: Do you hold a grudge against Montgomery Burns?
Moe: No. (buzz, red light) All right, maybe I did. But I didn't shoot him! (ding, green light)
Eddie: Checks out. Okay, sir, you're free to go.
Moe: Good, 'cause I got a hot date tonight. (buzz) A date. (buzz) Dinner with friends. (buzz) Dinner alone. (buzz) Watching TV alone. (buzz) All right! I'm going to sit at home and ogle the ladies in the Victoria's Secret catalog. (buzz) Sears catalog. (ding) Now, would you unhook this already, please? I don't deserve this kind of shabby treatment! (buzz)
Lisa: Nancy Drew says that all a person needs to solve a mystery is an inquisitive temperament, and two good friends. And I've got an inquisitive temperament.
Dr. Nick: (enters Mr. Burns's room) Hi everybody!
Mr. Burns: (in the same tone that people normally say 'Hi, Dr. Nick!) Ho- merSimp-son!
Dr. Nick: Okay, that was a little strange.
[Mr Burns can only say "Homer Simpson".]
Dr. Nick: Hmmm... that seems to be all that you can say. When you were in that coma, did you feel your brain being damaged?
[Chief Wiggum dreams he is in a room and he is about to eat a donut. Lisa staggers in, a la Twin Peaks.]
Lisa: (detatched, dreamy) Chief... Wiggum... don't eat... the clues...
[Wiggum looks at the donut he was about to eat. It has turned into a flaming card. Lisa holds another flaming card of a different suit.]
Lisa: This suit burns... better... look...
Wiggum: Huh?
Lisa: Better.. look... burns... suit...
Wiggum: I'm not following you.
Lisa: (more forcefully) Burns's suit! Burns's suit!
Wiggum: [a beat] What?
Lisa: [normal voice] Look at Burns's suit! Yeesh!
[Wiggum wakes up.]
Eddie: I had an idea, Chief. Why don't we check out that suit Burns was wearing when he got shot?
Wiggum: Did you have the same backwards-talking dream with the flaming cards?
Eddie: ...I'll drive.
[Chief Wiggum and SWAT team members break into the Simpsons' house.]
Lisa: Hey! Chief Wiggum, what are you doing? What's going on?
Wiggum: I'm sorry, kid, we got Simpson DNA on Burns's clothing and your father was identified by the old man himself.
Everyone: [gasps]
Bart: [scoffing] DNA, positive ID? Those won't hold up in any court - RUN, DAD!
Wiggum: Homer Simpson, you're under arrest for attempted murder.
Homer: D'oh!
Wiggum: Yeah, that's what they all say. They all say "D'oh".
Marge: The police have such a strong case against Homer. Mr. Burns said he did it, they have Homer's DNA...
Lisa: They have Simpson DNA! It could have come from any of us. Except you, since you're a Bouvier.
Marge: No! No, no, when I took your father's name, I took everything that came with it, including DNA.
Lisa: [giving up] OK, Mom.
Apu: [leading the mob to the hospital] Be careful when we capture him! We cannot claim the reward unless we have more than 51% of the carcass.
Homer: [to Mr. Burns, while pointing a gun to Mr. Burns' head] Say it, Burns! Say I never shot you! [realizes what he's doing] ...before.
Mr. Burns: Shot? Hah! By you? I'm afraid not, my primitive friend. Your kind has neither the cranial capacity, nor the opposable digits to operate a firearm. The one who shot me was... (looks through the crowd, spots Maggie and points his finger) Ah! M-M-Maggie Simpson!
[After Mr Burns recalls the events of his shooting.]
Lisa: And then, with your last ounce of strength, you pointed to W and S, or from your point of view, M and S - Maggie Simpson!
Mr Burns: What? No, with my last ounce of strength, I sucked out my gold fillings and swallowed them. Those paramedics have sticky fingers.
Mr Burns: Officers, arrest the baby!
Chief Wiggum: Yeah, right, pops. No jury in the world is gonna convict a baby. Hmm... maybe Texas.

[edit] Radioactive Man [7.02]

[A group of executives discuss casting the role of Radioactive Man in a new film.]
Old Executive: I don't see why Rainier Wolfcastle should be the star. I think we should bring back Dirk Richter. Kids will want to see the original Radioactive Man.
Producer: I keep telling you, he's 73 years old and he's dead.
Old Executive: Granted, but-
Director: Besides, we want to stay as far away from the campy 70s version as possible.
[A clip from the "campy 70s version" plays.]
Fallout Boy: Billowing backpacks, Radioactive Man! It's the worst villain of them all! The Scout Master!
Radioactive Man: I see him, Fallout Boy.
Scout Master: Go get 'em, scouts! Don't be afraid to use your nails, boys!
[Radioactive Man and Fallout Boy beat up all the scouts, accompanied by sound-effects such as "Zap" and "Pow" shown on-screen. Then some girls in midriff tops, short skirts, and go-go boots enter, all the Scouts get up, and everyone starts dancing. Back in the office, the Director shudders at the memory.]
Mayor Quimby: We'll blow up our dams, destroy forests, anything! If there's a species of animal that's causing problems nosing around your camera, we'll have it wiped out!
Director: Look, we just want to make movies, not kill things.
Chief Wiggum: Riiight, we understand... Heh.
Barney: You mean you were one of the original Little Rascals?
Moe: Yeah.
Homer: Which one were you? The ugly one? [long pause] Were you the ugly one?
[The Director holds auditions for the role of Fallout Boy in the Elementary School. Lunchlady Doris reads the role of Radioactive Man.]
Lunchlady Doris: At last the world is safe, eh, Fallout Boy?
Ralph: What's for lunch tomorrow?
Director: Next!
Ralph: Chicken necks?
Lunchlady Doris: At last the world is safe, eh Fallout Boy?
Bart: Watch out, Radioactive Man!
Director: Brilliant reading! Again!
Bart: Watch out, Radioactive Man!
Director: One more time!
Bart: Watch out, Radioactive Man!
Director: Congratulations, Bart Simpson! You're our new Fallout Boy! That's what I would be saying to you if you weren't an inch too short. Next!
Lionel Hutz: Milhouse, baby! Lionel Hutz, your new agent, bodyguard, unauthorized biographer, and drug dealer... keeper-awayer...
Bart: George Burns was right. Show business is a hideous bitch goddess.
Lisa: Cheer up, Bart. Milhouse is still going to need a true friend, someone to tell him he's great. Someone to rub lotion on him. Someone he can hurl whiskey bottles at when he's feeling low.
Bart: You're right, Lis! I can suck up to him! Like the religious people suck up to God!
[In order to shoot a scene, Milhouse is lying under a crashed van.]
Milhouse: I think I'm laying on a broken bottle.
Director: Beautiful! Use it!
Milhouse: Uh, these aren't real X-rays, are they?
Director: Good question! We'll check into that. Okay, X-ray machine to full power, and... action!
[Green rays illuminate Milhouse's head, clearly showcasing his skull.]
[An acting coach attempts to teach Rainier Wolfcastle to speak Radioactive Man's catchphrase.]
Acting coach: Up and atom!
Rainier Wolfcastle: [in heavy German accent] Up and at them!
Acting coach: Up and atom!
Wolfcastle: Up and at them!
Acting coach: Up and atom!
Wolfcastle: Up and at them!
Acting coach: [sighs] Better.
[A prop man is painting black spots onto horses.]
Martin Prince: Uh, sir, why don't you just use real cows?
Painter: Cows don't look like cows on film. You got to use horses.
Ralph Wiggum: What do you do if you want something that looks like a horse?
Painter: Usually we just tape a bunch of cats together.
Milhouse: Making movies is so repetitive. I've said Jiminy Jillikers so many times the words have lost all meaning!
Director: We've got to do the Jiminy Jillikers scene again, Milhouse.
Milhouse: [fuming] But we already did it. It took seven hours, but we did it. It's done!
Director: Yes, but we've got to do it from different angles! Again and again! And again and again and again and again and again!
[On set, Rainier Wolfcastle is caught in a tidal wave of acid.]
Rainier Wolfcastle: My eyes! The goggles do nothing!
[After Milhouse runs away, Chief Wiggum releases dogs to track him down.]
Chief Wiggum: Okay, we can all stop worrying now, these dogs never fail.
Kirk: But... will they just find Milhouse, or will they find him and kill him?
Chief Wiggum: Well, they'll... when they find him, they'll... um, um... [mumbles incoherently]
Kirk: Uh, excuse me, you didn't answer me, you just trailed off.
Chief Wiggum: Yeah... yeah, I did kind of trail off, there, didn't I?
[Bart walks up to a man in an abandoned warehouse concentrating intensely on a spirograph.]
Bart: Yo, Dr. S, have you seen Milhouse today?
Dr. S: No.
Bart: Okay, thanks.
Dr. S: Wait! Did you know that there's a direct correlation between the decline of Spirograph and the rise in gang activity? Think about it.
Bart: I will.
Dr. S: No, you won't.
Editor: Thanks to modern film editing techniques, we can use existing footage to complete the film without Milhouse. Just watch.
[In the film, Radioactive Man is by himself in a cave surrounded by several cavemen]
Rainer: Looks like we're in trouble, Fallout Boy.
[cut to Radioactive Man and Fallout Boy on a green field]
Milhouse: Jiminy Jillikers, Radioactive Man.
[back to the cave]
Rainer: We'll have to fight our way out. Are you ready?
[cut to Fallout Boy on a couch]
Milhouse: Yes.
[cut to Radioactive Man and Milhouse fighting space mutants on the moon]
Editor: Seamless, huh?
Producer: [pauses] You're fired.
Editor: And with good cause.
Executive: Pack up. We're leaving. We only have a thousand dollars anyway.
Quimby: There's a thousand dollar leaving-town tax!
[The Radioactive Man production returns to Hollywood with a large group of well-wishers waiting for them; the Director and the Producer receive warm hugs]
Boutique Owner: We know you don't have any money, but that doesn't matter; just take whatever you need from our boutiques until you get back on your feet.
Producer: [Touched] Thank God we're back in Hollywood, where people treat each other right. [He and the Director hug]

[edit] Home Sweet Homediddly-Dum-Doodily [7.03]

Marge (To Bart and Lisa): Enjoy it now, because when you're grown-up you'll have to take care of yourselves!
(Homer enters, whimpering.)
Homer: Marge, there's a spider near my car keys.
Marge: (puts her hand on Homer's shoulder) You did the right thing by telling me.
[She leaves the room.]
Marge: (off camera) Shoo! Go on, get outta here!
Homer: (looking on nervously) Ah, that's better.
Mrs Krabapple: Bart, you're messing up your hair.
[She notices a nest of headlice on top of his scalp]
Mrs Krabapple: AH! LICE! How does a boy in this day and age get headlice?
[Flashback: Milhouse shows Bart his new pet monkey which is climbing over Bart's head]
Milhouse: We got the wicker basket from Pier One, and he was just passed out inside*.
[Back to present]
Bart: Hey! How come I get lice and nothing happens to Milhouse!
[Milhouse is standing next to Bart, shivering and blue-lipped]
Milhouse: So cold... so very, very cold...

*On one rebroadcast of this episode, "Pier One" was changed to "Trader Pete's" due to complaints from Pier One over the insinuation that they sell monkeys in wicker baskets. The reference to Pier One can be heard on the Simpsons season seven DVD set; the Trader Pete reference still appears in the subtitles.

[On the playground, the other girls are playing "keep away" with Lisa's special orthopaedic shoes]
Girls: You have cooties! You have cooties!
Lisa: No, I don't!
Principal Skinner: (over P.A.) Lisa Simpson, report to the Principal's office for headlice inspection!
Principal Skinner: Sweet Georgia Brown! Something is rotten in the Simpson household!
[The social worker looks at Maggie, who is wearing the "I'm a stupid baby" sign Bart originally put on Lisa)
Child-Wellfare Officer #1: STUPID babies need the most attention!
Homer: Okay, don't panic! To find Flanders, you just have to think like Flanders...
Homer's brain: I'm a big four-eyed lame-o and I wear the same stupid sweater everyday and-
Homer: The Springfield River!
Ned: [breathless] Reverend... emergency! I - it's the Simpson kids - eedily - I, uh, baptism - oodily - uh - doodily doodily!
Lovejoy: Ned... have you thought about one of the other major religions? They're all pretty much the same.
[as he hangs up, his train set crashes]
Lovejoy: (groans) Damn Flanders.
Bart: Wow, Dad. You took a baptisimal for me. How do you feel?
Homer: (peacefully) Oh, Bartholomew. I feel like St. Augustine of Hippo after his conversion by Ambrose of Milan.
Ned: Wait, Homer! What did you just say?
Homer: (rudely) I said, SHUT YOUR UGLY FACE, FLANDERS!
Ned: Oh, fair enough.

[edit] Bart Sells His Soul [7.04]

Reverand Lovejoy: And now, please rise for our opening hymn... uh... "In the Garden of Eden" by... I. Ron Butterfly.
[organist begins playing In-a-Gadda-da-Vidda by Iron Butterfly]
Reverend Lovejoy: Wait a minute, this sounds like rock and/or roll.
Reverend Lovejoy: I know one of you is responsible for this! So repeat after me. If I withhold the truth may I go straight to Hell, where I will eat naught but burning hot coals and drink naught but burning hot cola.
Ralph Wiggum: [continuing the repeating] Where fiery demons will punch me in the back...
Bart: [nonchalant] Where my soul will be chopped into confetti, strewn upon a parade of murderers and single mothers...
Milhouse: [clearly nervous] Where my tongue will be torn out by ravenous birds...
[A raven outside crows menacingly.]
Milhouse: Bart did it! That Bart, right there!
Bart: Milhouse!
Reverend Lovejoy: Milhouse, you did the right thing. Bart, come with me for punishment. [grabs Bart, then reaches back for Milhouse] You too, snitchy.
Bart: Soul? Come on, Milhouse, there's no such thing as a soul. It's just something they made up to scare kids, like the boogeyman or Michael Jackson.
Milhouse: But every religion says you have a soul, Bart. Why would they lie? What would they have to gain?
[Camera pans to Reverend Lovejoy, who's counting the contents of many full collection plates.]
Rev. Lovejoy: I don't hear scrubbing!
Lisa: For five dollars, Milhouse could own you for a zillion years.
Bart: If you think he got such a great deal, I'll sell you my conscience for four-fifty. (Lisa walks away) I'll throw in my sense of decency too! It's a Bart Sales Event. Everything about me must go!
Lisa: Hmm. Pablo Neruda said, "Laughter is the language of the soul."
Bart: I am familiar with the works of Pablo Neruda.
[A tractor trailer pulls up outside Moe's with a huge deep fryer.]
Moe: There it is! I bought it used from the Navy. This thing can flash-fry a buffalo in forty seconds.
Homer: (whining) Forty seconds? But I want it now!
[Moe appears on a television commercial for his new restaurant.]
Moe: Now that's Moe like it! So bring the whole family. Mom, Dad, kids - er, no old people, they're not covered by our insurance. It's fun! And remember our guarantee: if I'm not smiling when your check comes, your meal's on me: Uncle Moe!
[Homer takes his family off to Moe's new restaurant.]
Marge: [looking at the walls] An alligator with sunglasses? Hah! Now I've seen everything.
Moe: Hiya, folks. Welcome to Uncle Moe's. [to the kids] Aw, look at the cute little minors.
Homer: Wow, that's Moe — the guy from the ad!
Moe: Right this way, Homer.
Homer: [gasps] And he knows my name!
Marge: [looking at the restaurant decor] Street signs? Indoors? Ha ha, whatever!
Moe: [hands Snake his cheque without smiling] Here ya go.
Snake: Whoa, dude! You did NOT smile, we eat for free. Come on, Shoshanna, let's roll.
[Stress leads Moe to lose his temper and swear at a customer.]
Flanders: Well! I expect that type of language at Denny's, but not here!
Nana Van Houten: A caller at this hour? You dial nine-one, then when I say so, dial one again.
Milhouse: Sorry, Bart. I traded your soul to the guy at the comic book store. But I got some cool pogs! Alf pogs! Remember Alf? He's back, in pog form.
Bart: Hello, Ralph.
Ralph: Uh, hi Bart. I know you from school.
Bart: Yes. Ralph, how'd you like to make a dollar?
Ralph: I don't know.
Bart: It's easy. All you have to do is sign a piece of paper that says I can have your soul. (sinister) I need a soul, Ralph! Any soul! YOURS!
[He begins advancing toward a terrified Ralph.]
Chief Wiggum: [shines his flashlight into the car] Hey, what's going on in there?!
[Bart hisses, flashes cat pupils, and runs into a cloud of steam, disappearing into the night.]
[Workers are taking away the family restaurant furniture from Moe's.]
Moe: Yeah, come on. Take it all.
Barney: Ya know Moe, you might wanna keep the fire extinguishers.
Moe: Nah. Too many bad memories.
Barney: Well Moe, at least you still got us.
Moe: (starts to smile): Yeah. Yeah, that actually makes me feel a little better.
Homer: But wasn't that the problem in the first place? That we were your only customers and that you were going broke? (Moe's face drops and he cleans a glass sulkily while looking at the floor) Moe... Moe... Moe? Oh. You're thinking about all the money you lost, huh? (Moe nods sadly, but puts on a brave face) What was it, 50, 60 thousand dollars? (Moe frowns again and looks at the floor) Moe... Moe... Moe?
Bart: You bought my soul back?
Lisa: With the spare change in my piggy bank.
Bart: You don't have any spare change in your piggy bank.
Lisa: Not in any of the ones you know about.

[edit] Lisa the Vegetarian [7.05]

Homer: Are you saying you're never going to eat any animal again? What about bacon?
Lisa: No.
Homer: Ham?
Lisa: No!
Homer: Pork chops?
Lisa: Dad, those all come from the same animal!
Homer: Heh-heh-heh. Ooh, yeah, right, Lisa. A wonderful, magical animal.
Lisa:: (reading) Come to Homer's BBBQ - The extra B is for BYOBB.
Bart: What's THAT extra B for?
Homer: That's a typo.
Miss Hoover: Okay class, time to dissect our worms. (Class cheers)
[Miss Hoover places a worm in a pan before Lisa.]
Miss Hoover: First pin them down so they don't fly up and hit you in the eye.
Ralph: Umm, Miss Hoover?
Miss Hoover: Yes Ralph, what is it?
Ralph: My worm went in my mouth and then I ate it... Can I have another one?
Miss Hoover: No Ralph, there aren't any more... (shaking her head) Just try to sleep while the other children are learning.
Ralph: Oh boy... Sleep! That's where I'm a Viking!
Lisa: They can't seriously expect us to swallow that tripe.
Skinner: Now as a special treat courtesy of our friends at the Meat Council, please help yourself to this tripe.
(Class cheers and runs to table loaded with tripe)
Lisa: Stop it, Stop it! Don't you realize you've just been brainwashed by corporate propaganda?
Janie: Hmph, apparently my crazy friend here hasn't heard of the food chain.
Uter: Yeah, Lisa's a grade A moron!
Ralph: When I grow up, I'm going to go to Bovine University.
Marge: BART, NO!
Bart: [standing next to her] What?
Marge: Sorry, force of habbit. LISA, NO!
[The BBQ Pig is rolling away on the cart and Homer and Bart are running after it. BBQ Pig goes through some bushes.]
Homer: It's just a little dirty! It's still good! It's still good!
[Pig lands into the river.]
Homer: It's just a little slimy! It's still good! It's still good!
[Pig gets stuck in dam intake but then shoots out the other side, taking flight.]
Homer: It's just a little airborne! It's still good! It's still good!
Bart: It's gone, Dad.
Homer: I know.
Bart: Give it up Dad, Piggy ain't coming back.
Homer: Marge? Since I'm not talking to Lisa, would you please ask her to pass me the syrup?
Marge: [Wearily] Dear, please pass your father the syrup, Lisa.
Lisa: Bart, tell Dad I will only pass the syrup if it won't be used on any meat product.
Bart: [To Homer] You dunkin' your sausages in that syrup homeboy?
Homer: Marge, tell Bart I just want to drink a nice glass of syrup like I do every morning.
Marge: Tell him yourself, you're ignoring Lisa, not Bart.
Homer: Bart, thank your mother for pointing that out.
Marge: Homer, you're not, not talking to me, and secondly, I heard what you said.
Homer: Lisa, tell your mother to get off my case!
Bart: Uhhh, Dad. Lisa's the one you're not talking to.
Homer: BART! Go to your room!
Lisa: Why don't you just eat him, Dad?!
Homer: I don't need any serving suggestions from you, you barbeque wrecking, know-nothing know-it-all!
Lisa: That's IT! I can't live in a house with this prehistoric carnivore! I'm out of here! [Leaves and slams the door.]
Homer: THAT'S IT, GO TO YOUR ROOM!
(In Apu's garden)
Apu: ...it's like Paul's song, "Live and Let Live".
Paul McCartney: Actually, it was "Live and Let Die".
Apu: Who cares, who cares? It had a good rythym!

[edit] Treehouse of Horror VI [7.06]

[edit] Attack of the 50-Foot Eyesores

[Chief Wiggum shoots a very tall man.]
Chief Wiggum: See, they're not so tough.
Lou: Uh, Chief, that wasn't a monster. That was the captain of the high school basketball team.
Wiggum: Yes, well, uh... he was turning into a monster.
[The Lard-Lad Donut's mascot appears at the Simpsons' house.]
Homer: Oh, uh, if you're looking for that giant donut of yours, um, I think Flanders has it. Just smash open his house.
[The mascot leaves.]
Homer: (unusually calm) He came to life. Good for him.
[We hear a very loud smashing, followed by huge footsteps. The doorbell rings and Homer answers.]
Flanders: (running in the background) Help me, Lord!
Homer: (to mascot) I told you! Flanders has it... or Moe. Go kill Moe.
[Kang and Kodos are trying to hitch a ride; Lard Lad's giant donut rolls their way]
Kang: Here comes something!
Kodos: Remember the story: we're newlyweds on our way to Earth Capital.
[The donut just rolls past]
Kodos: Oh, Shazbot.

[edit] Nightmare on Evergreen Terrace

Mrs. Krabappel: Remember class, the worse you do on this standardized test, the more funding the school gets, so don't knock yourselves out. You have two hours before-
Martin: Finished!
Mrs. Krabappel: (groans) Then put your head on your desk and sit quietly!
Martin: Ah, a duet of pleasures...
Martin: I am the wondrous wizard of Latin! I am a dervish of declension and a conjurer of conjugation, with a million hit points and maximum charisma. A-ha! "Morire": to die. "Morit": he, she, or it dies.
[Willie morphs out of the blackboard. Martin gasps.]
Willie: "Moris": you die.
[Martin screams and runs off.]
Willie: (laughs) You've mastered a dead tongue, but can you handle a live one?
[Willie's tongue shoots out of his mouth, wraps around Martin, and squeezes him; in class, Martin twists and screams, then collapses on the floor.]
Nelson: Ha-ha!
Marge: (telling a flashback story) It all started on the thirteenth hour of the thirteenth day of the thirteenth month. We were all there to discuss the misprinted calendars the school had purchased.
Homer: (shivering) Oh, lousy Smarch weather!
[Homer sees thermostat and note that says "Do not touch! - Willie"]
Homer: "Do not touch Willie." Good advice! (turns up thermostat all the way)
Kirk Van Houten: I for one would like the school cafeteria to post their menus in advance, so parents can adjust their dinner menus accordingly. I don't like the idea of Milhouse having two spaghetti meals in one day.
Lisa: Do you understand what this means, Bart? The next time we fall asleep, we could die!
Grandpa: Eh, welcome to my world! (falls asleep)
[Willie rises out of the sandbox and grabs Bart]
Krusty: Egh! Don't dream about me no more, kid! [runs away]
Lisa: I don't know, Bart, something tells me Willie is still out there, and he could come back at any time in any form, and kill us! In ways we can't even imagine!
[A bus pulls up and Wille gets out.]
Willie: Boo! Ha ha... ya ga yaaa! Here I... am... yaaaah!
[Bus drives off.]
Willie: No, wait! I left my gun on the seat! (to Bart, Lisa, and Maggie) Wait here, please.
[Willie runs off after the bus, cursing. His shoe falls off.]

[edit] Homer³

Homer: (putting his arm through the portal) That's odd. It's like something out of that twilighty show about that zone.
Homer's Brain: (as he enters the 3rd dimension) Oh, glory of glories! Oh, heavenly testament to the eternal majesty of God's creation!
Homer: Holy macaroni!
Homer: It's a place I've never been before.
Selma: The shower.
Homer: Hey!
Patty: It's like he just disappeared into fat air.
Homer: Hey, shut up!
Homer: I'm so bulgy!
Homer: (Homer looks at fish in the water) Mmm... unprocessed fish sticks.
Homer: Man, this place looks expensive. I feel like I'm wasting a fortune just standing here. (Takes a long pause, while clapping his hands and scratching himself.) Better make the most of it. (He belches.)
Rev. Lovejoy: Do you see a light, Homer?
Homer: (from other universe) Yes.
Rev. Lovejoy: Move into the light, my son.
[zapping sounds]
Homer: (from other universe) Yeow!
Dr. Hibbert: Homer, this is your physician, Dr. Julius Hibbert. Can you tell us what it's like in there?
Homer: Uh, it's like, uh... did anybody see the movie Tron?
Dr. Hibbert: No.
Lisa: No.
Chief Wiggum: No.
Marge: No.
Bart: No.
Patty: No.
Chief Wiggum: No.
Ned Flanders: No.
Selma: No.
Professor Frink: No.
Reverend Lovejoy: No.
Chief Wiggum: Yes. I mean, uh, I mean, no.
Frink: It seems that Homer has stumbled into... [lights go out] the third dimension!
[Frink looks at Lisa who is by the light switch]
Lisa: Sorry. [turns lights back on]
Frink: Here is an ordinary square.
Wiggum: Whoa, whoa, slow down, egghead!
Frink: But, suppose we extend the square beyond the two dimensions of our universe, along the hypothetical Z-axis there. (everyone gasps as he draws a cube) This forms a three-dimensional object known as a cube or a Frinkahedron, in honour of its discoverer.
Chief Wiggum: (shooting into the portal) Take that, ya lousy dimension!
Homer: Oh, there's so much I don't know about astrophysics. I wish I'd read that book by that wheelchair guy.
[Bart is pulled out of the 3rd dimension.]
Marge: Bart, what happened?
Bart: Well, we hit a little snag when the universe sort of collapsed on itself. But Dad seemed cautiously optimistic.
Homer: (from other universe) Craaaaaaaaaaap!
Homer: (upon entering the real world) Ooh, erotic cakes!

[edit] King-Size Homer [7.07]

[Smithers knocks on the men's room door]
Smithers: Come on, Simpson! Open up, we know you're in there!
[He motions to the goons, who break the door down. The bathroom appears empty, but Smithers looks carefully and points to a stall.]
Smithers: That one.
[The goons kick the door open, revealing Homer standing in the toilet bowl.]
Homer: Someone's in here! [as the goons drag him out] NO! NOOOOOO! AH! N-, OH, FOR THE LOVE OF-! NOOOOOO!
Smithers: Boy, I never saw anyone so desperate to get out of five minutes of calisthenics.
Mr. Burns: Raise your left hock! Aerate! Raise your right hock! Aerate! Let's go, I want to see more Teddy Roosevelts and less Franklin Roosevelts!
[In Homer's fantasy, he is on his way to a pot of gold labled 300p]
Talking Pig: You can do it, old boy!
Homer: Yes, I can! [stops & eats the Pig's arm]
Talking Pig: Yes, yes! That's the spirit!
Dr. Nick Riviera: Hi, everybody!
Bart and Homer: Hi, Dr. Nick!
Dr. Nick: Now, there are many options for dangerously underweight individuals, like yourself. I recommend a slow steady gorging process combined with assal horizontology.
Homer: Of course.
Dr. Nick: You need to focus on the neglected food groups, such as the Whipped group, the congealed group and the Chocotastic!
Homer: What can I do to speed up the whole thing, Doctor?
Dr. Nick Riviera: Be creative. Instead of eating sandwiches with bread, use Pop-Tarts. Instead of chewing gum, chew bacon.
Bart: You could brush your teeth with milkshakes!
Dr. Nick Riviera: [pats Bart on the head] Heh, did you go to Hollywood Upstairs Medical College, too?
Dr. Nick Riviera: And remember, if you're not sure about something, just rub it against a piece of paper. [Rubs a drumstick on a sheet of paper, which subsequently turns clear in the center] If the paper turns clear, it's your window to weight gain! [Looks through paper and waves] Bye bye, everybody!
Homer: [uncertain if a fish sandwich is unhealthy] I don't know. Fish sandwich...are you sure?
[Bart rubs the sandwich on the wall until it turns clear. A bird flies into the newly transparent wall.]
[Maggie hands Homer a donut made of Play-Doh]
Homer: Aw... it looks just like a real donut.
Bart: Dad, it says "non-toxic"!
Homer: [having already eaten it] Oh, well that's a plus! [looks at the scale to see it inch to 300 pounds] Woo-hoo!
Bart: Uh, dad. Towel rack.
[Homer realizes part of his stomach is on the towel rack. After removing it, the scale jumps to over 360 pounds]
Homer: Oh... heh, heh... oh, my...
Arnie: [On radio] Arnie Pie in the sky with the morning commute. Traffic this morning is as bad as it gets. Due to a fire at the Army testing lab, a bunch of escaped infected monkeys are roaming the expressway. Despite the sweltering heat, don't unroll your windows, 'cause those monkeys seem confused and irritable.
Homer: Hee hee hee. I pity those poor suckers on the freeway. Gas, brake, honk. Gas, brake, honk. Honk, honk, punch. Gas, gas, gas.
Homer: Bart and Lisa have to go to school while I get to stay home, na na na na na!
Lisa: I like school!
Homer: Well, why don't you live in it then?
Lisa: I would if I could!
Bart: Not me sister, when I grow up I'm gonna be a lardo on workman's comp just like Dad.
[in his fantasy, talking to reporters crowding around his bed]
Bart: I wash myself with a rag on a stick.
Homer: [Excited] The mail, the mail is here. [Reading] Ooh, an urgent plea from Edward James Olmos. "Lisa Simpson - can you afford to miss another issue of the Utne Reader?" Heh heh heh, kids. Huh? "Free sample of fabric softener" ...woo hoo!
Homer: [after drying his "fat guy" hat using the fabric softener sample] Mmm... I can feel three kinds of softness.
Homer: [reading instructions on starting up the computer] To start, press any key. Where's the "any" key? I see "Esk", "Catarol", and "Pig Up". There doesn't seem to be any "any" key! Phew! Boy, all this computer hacking is making me thirsty. I think I'll order a "Tab"
[presses the "Tab" key and places a cup near the floppy drive]
Homer: Oh, no time for that now, the computer's starting! [reading] "Check core temperature?" Y-E-S. "Core Temperature normal" Hmm, not too shabby. "Vent Radioactive gas?" N-O. [screen reads, "Venting prevents explosion."] Venting prevents ex-plosh-ee-on. Hmm, this computer stuff is hard. Where's my Tab? Fine, vent the stupid gas.
[Shot of the gas tank, then follow along a pipe. It comes out in a corn field, where gas comes out of a scarecrow's hat and destroys most of the field]
Farmer: Oh, no! The corn! Paul Newman's gonna have ma legs broke!
Lisa: Mom, aren't you going to step in and stop this?
Marge: Usually, your father's crackpot schemes fail once he sees something good on TV. But this season...
Jimbo: I heard that guy's ass has its own Congressman!
Homer: Marge, for years people have looked down on me, but now I'm a big, fat dynamo! And where's that cake?
Marge: There's no cake.
Homer: Oh...
Homer: One for "Honk," please.
Geeky kid: Uh, excuse me. I have to speak with the manager! [whispers to manager] This guy wants to see the movie.
Manager: I'm sorry, sir, but our theatre's weren't designed for a man of your... carriage.
Homer: What do you mean?
Manager: What I'm saying is, a man of your girth couldn't possibly fit in one of our seats.
Homer: I could sit in the aisle!
Manager: I'm afraid that would be a violation to our fire code.
Movie Goer: Hey Fatty, I got a movie for ya! "A Fridge Too Far!"
Homer: Hey, don't make fun of me! I just want to see "Honk If You're Horny" in peace!
Manager: Sir, if you just calm down, I'll gladly treat you to a garbage bag full of popcorn.
Homer: Oh! This may come as a surprise to you, but you can't buy me off with food!
Telephone operator: The fingers you have used to dial are too fat. To obtain a special dialing wand, please mash the keypad with your palm now.
Ralph: [to Lisa on the schoolbus] I heard your father walked into a restaurant and ate all the food in the restaurant and they had to close down the restaurant.
Lisa: Hey, my father may be a little overweight, but he isn't some sort of food-crazed maniac!
[Homer is seen through the bus window driving a speeding ice-cream truck in his muumuu.]
Homer: [Driving past in the hijacked ice cream van, sucking on an ice cream cone] Oh, that's raspberry!
Lisa: I think it's ironic that Dad saved the day while a slimmer man would have fallen to his doom.
Bart: And I think it's ironic that for once Dad's butt prevented the release of toxic gas-
Marge: Bart!
[Mr Burns is trying to make Homer lose weight through sit ups. Homer is lying on the ground, never managing to get more than a few inches up.]
Burns: One... One!... ONE! BAH! I'll just pay for the blasted liposuction!
Homer: Woo-hoo!

[edit] Mother Simpson [7.08]

Homer: Hey everybody! Up here! [waves to his co-workers standing near a waterfall]
Smithers: Simpson, get down from there!
Homer: Right away, Mr. Smithers, I'll just walk off these slippery rocks an- WHOA! [trips over]
["Homer" falls down the waterfall, crashing into bolders.]
Carl: Oh, no! He fell down the waterfall!
["Homer" gets caught on a small branch.]
Lenny: Oh, good! He snagged that tree branch!
[Branch snaps, making "Homer" fall into the river.]
Carl: Oh, no! The branch snapped!
Lenny: Oh, good! He can grab on one of those pointy rocks!
[The rapids make it look like the rocks are crippling him.]
Carl: Oh, no! The rocks are breaking his arms and legs.
[A family of beavers swim to the body]
Lenny: Oh, good! Those helpful beavers will save him!
Carl: Oh, no! They're biting him and stealing his pants!
[The beavers leave, cut to "Homer" rapidly approaching a water turbine]
Smithers: Good Lord! He'll be sucked into the turbine!
[As he is sucked in, the workers bow their head.]
Mr. Burns: (with a little concern) Smithers, who was that corpse?
Smithers: [sobbing] Homer Simpson, sir. One of the finest, bravest men ever to grace Sector 7-G. [normal voice] I'll cross him off the list.
[At the waterfall, it is revealed Bart and Homer used a decoy to get away from the clean-up job]
Bart: He-he. That dummy worked like a charm, Dad.
Homer: Best $600 I ever spent. Come on, boy, we've earned this Saturday! Let's make the most of it!
[The screen changes to two kites flying in the sky, and then cuts to Lisa and Marge flying them. Next to them, Homer is in his hammock counting how many times Bart hits a flagstone with a hammer.]
Homer: 61, 62, 63...
Newspaper headline: LOCAL MAN LOSES PANTS, LIFE
[Homer clears the moss away from the headstone of what he thinks is his mother's grave.]
Homer: I'm sorry I never visit, Mom! I'm just not a cemetery person. (reads tombstone engraving): "Here...lies..."
[He clears the last of the moss away. The name on the stone is Walt Whitman. Homer is enraged.]
Homer: WALT WHITMAN?! AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH! DAMN YOU, WALT WHITMAN! (kicking the stone) I-HATE-YOU-WALT-FREAKING-WHITMAN! "Leaves of Grass," my ass!
Homer: I almost always ruin the moment. [A pelican lands on his head and drops a fish into his pants.] I'm sorry.

[edit] Sideshow Bob's Last Gleaming [7.09]

[Sideshow Bob finishes raking up the garbage at the Air Force Base.]
Sideshow Bob: There. That's the last condom wrapper.
[A strong gust of wind comes and blows the pile of wrappers all over. Bob throws down his rake.]
Sideshow Bob: I renew my objection to this pointless endeavor! Informally now and by affidavit later. Time permitting.
[Milhouse sits in the cockpit of a fighter jet, pretending to fly it and making machine gun noises.]
Milhouse: Take that, Mom! Take that, Dad! Send me to a psychiatrist, will you? Take that, Dr. Sally Waxler!
[Bart and Grandpa come across the Wright Brothers' airplane.]
Bart: Look at that hunk of junk!
Grandpa: (sputters) You're ignorant! That's the Wright Brothers' plane! In Kitty Hawk in 1903, Charles Lindbergh flew it fifteen miles on a thimble full of corn oil. Single-handedly won us the Civil War, it did!
Bart: How do you know so much about history, Grandpa?
Grandpa: I pieced it together, mostly from sugar packets!
Mayor Quimby: This town will not negotiate with terrorists! Is there a nearby town that will?
Col. Hapablap: No need, sir, we'll find him faster than Garfield finding lasagne.
[Mayor Quimby glares at him.]
Col. Hapablap: Sorry, my wife thought that was gangbusters.
[In a deserted hut, a sweaty Krusty tries to peform]
Krusty: Kids, Itchy & Scratchy can't be here today, but instead, we got the next best thing.
[Holds up a scorpion on a peg and a old car battery.]
Krusty: It's the "Stingy & Battery Show!" [singing] They bite, they light, they bite and light and bite, bite-bite-bite... yadda yadda, you get the idea.
[Krusty drops the scorpion, looking nervously at the camera, and flinches as it touches his shoe. [Outside, Sideshow Bob and Bart are flying to the hut in the Wright Brothers' plane]
Bart: But you can't kill Krusty! He made you what you are. Without him you wouldn't be called "Sideshow"!
Sideshow Bob: ARGH!
[Back in the hut.]
Krusty: [singing] La-la-la-la [stops] What the hell is that, a lawn mower?
[Krusty opens the door to see the plane approaching.]
Bart: GET OUTTA THE WAY, KRUSTY!
[Krusty screams and dives out a window. After a pause with no crash, he gets up and lights a cigarette.]
Krusty: Well, what's the freaking hold-up?!
Sideshow Bob: DIE KRUSTY, DIE!
[The plane hits the hut, only to bounce back and land on the ground. It is then crushed by a tank.]
Tank Driver: Oh, sorry. We don't usually use these things in the Air Force.
Sideshow Bob: How ironic. My crusade against television has come to an end so fomulaic it could have spewed from the Powerbook of the laziest Hollywood hack.

[edit] The Simpsons 138th Episode Spectacular [7.10]

Troy McClure: (glares, laughs) They haven't changed a bit, have they? As the weeks went on, so did the cartoons!
Announcer: What two popular "Simpsons" characters have died in the past year? If you answered "Bleeding Gums" Murphy and Dr. Marvin Monroe, you're wrong! They were never popular!
Troy McClure: This past summer, all of America was asking the question, "Who Shot Mr. Burns?" Then we found out it was the baby.
(Long pause. Troy coughs.)
(deleted scene from Burns' Heir)
Homer: Well, go ahead, do your worst!
Montgomery Burns: My worst, eh? Smithers, release the robotic Richard Simmons!
(Smithers pushes a butten which opens a hidden door, the robot walks out towards Homer)
Robot Richard Simmons: C'mon, big boy! Shake the butter out those buns!
(A speaker pops out of his head. K.C. and the Sunshine Band's "Shake Your Booty" plays as the Robot Richard Simmons does disco moves around Homer)
Homer: AAAAAHHHHHHHH!!! (runs away)
(The robot then shows up next to Bart, Smithers, and Mr. Burns, with the music still playing)
Robot Richard Simmons: C'mon, c'mon, girls! Shake-shake-shake! (continues dancing)
Mr. Burns: Smithers! It's out of control!
Smithers: I'll take him out, sir! (pulls a shotgun out of his suit jacket and fires at the robot's face. The robot's right eye is blasted open, but it heals back, a la the T-1000 from "Terminator 2". The music continues playing and the robot continues dancing, but is beginning to badly malfunction by shaking violently)
Smithers: His ass is gonna blow!
(Bart, Burns, and Smithers run screaming into the house as the Robot Richard Simmons continues to break down. Cut to a faraway shot of the Burns Mansion where an explosion is heard. Seconds later, the Robot Richard Simmons's head lands outside the gates of the manor).
(deleted scene from Treehouse of Horror IV)
Bart: I'd sell my soul for a formula one racing car.
[Devil Flanders appears]
Devil Flanders: Heh, heh, heh, that can be arranged.
Bart: Changed my mind. Sorry.
[Devil Flanders vanishes]
Marge: Bart, stop pestering Satan!
Troy McClure: Yes, "The Simpsons" have come a long way since an old drunk made humans out of his rabbit characters to pay off his gambling debts. Who knows what adventures they'll have between now and the time the show becomes unprofitable? I'm Troy McClure, and now leave you with what we all came here to see: hardcore nudity!
Troy McClure: You're probably wondering that "Troy, you can't show me anything new, I seen every episode". (Mad and quieter) Well, you got some attitude, mister. Besides, you're wrong!

[edit] Marge Be Not Proud [7.11]

(Bart wants a video game Marge refuses to buy)
Homer: I know how you feel, boy. When I was your age I wanted an electric football more then anything; and my parents bought me one and it was the happiest day of my life. Well, goodnight.
[As Bart contemplates stealing a copy of "Bonestorm," he imagines several video game characters talking to him.]
Luigi: Go ahead, Bart. Take-a the "Bonestorm!"
Mario: The store, she's so rich! She'll-a never notice!
Donkey Kong: Duh, it's the company's fault for making you want it so much!
Lee Carvello: Don't do it, son. How's that game gonna help your putting?
Sonic the Hedgehog: Just take it! Takeit-takeit-takeit-takeit-takeit! TAKE IT!
Brodka: [pounding the TV off] All right, show's over.
Bart: Er, excuse me?
Brodka: You think you're pretty smart, don't you?
Bart: No.
Brodka: Don't smart off to me, smart guy!
Bart: [stammering] I could pay for the game. I'll pay for it!
Brodka: You know, that kind of mush might fly at Lamps Plus, but don't peddle it here. [Bart laughs nervously]
Brodka: That's it, Mr. Comedian. I'm calling your parents!
[Brodka dials the phone while Bart looks unhappy.]
...
Brodka: Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Simpson? This is detective Don Brodka from Try-N-Save security. That's right, Don Brodka. Your son Bart has been caught shoplifting. Uh huh. Yeah, it's a shame, I know, but... well, _try_ and have a merry Christmas. [hangs up] They weren't home, uh huh. But I left a message on their answering machine, that's right.
[Bart rides home on his bike as fast as he can.]
Bart: I gotta change that answering machine tape! Oh, God, I gotta change that tape!
[Homer and Marge speed past him in the car, their heads stuck out the window.]
Homer: Gotta change Maggie! Dear God, we gotta change Maggie!
Homer: That's funny... we didn't have a message when we left. How very odd. [face goes blank]
Allan Sherman: [on tape, singing] Hello, Muddah, Hello Faddah. Here I am at - Camp Granada.
Homer: Marge, is Lisa at Camp Granada?
Homer: Stealing! STEALING! How COULD you?! Didn't you ever listen to that guy who gives those sermons at church, Captain What's-his-name?! We live in a society of laws. Why do you THINK I took you to all those "Police Academy" movies, for FUN?! Well, I didn't hear anybody laughing, DID YOU?! Except at that guy that made sound effects!
[Homer proceeds to (poorly) imitate Michael Winslow's sound effects. He laughs, then...]
Homer: Where was I? Oh, yeah, stay outta my booze!
[Bart sees a sign saying "Bonestorm - 99 cents." He rushes inside.]
Bart: I'd like to buy a copy of "Bonestorm." Here's 99 cents.
Comic Book Guy: Quick recap of proposed transaction: you wish to purchase "Bonestorm" for 99 cents. Net profit to me: minus 59 dollars. [opens the cash register] Please take my 59 dollars, I don't want it. [Bart reaches forward to take the cash.] Seeing as you are unfamiliar with sarcasm, I shall close the cash register at this point. 99 cents is the rental price.
Bart Then may I please rent?
Comic Book Guy No, I am fresh out. But I do have a surprising abundance of "Lee Carvello's Putting Challenge."
Milhouse: Wow, this is great... and all I've done is enter my name! "Thrillhouse." [screen shows "WELCOME THRILLHO"]
[Dialog from "Lee Carvello's Putting Challenge"]
Lee Carvello: You have selected - three wood. May I suggest - putter? Three wood.
Lee Carvello: Game over. Would you like to play again? You have selected no.

[edit] Team Homer [7.12]

Moe: You go through life, you try to resist the urge to punch people in the face, and for what? For some pimply little puke to treat you like dirt! Well, I'm better than dirt! Well... most kinds of dirt. I mean, not that fancy store-bought dirt. That stuff's loaded with nutrients. I... I can't compete with that stuff.
Moe, Apu, and Otto: [chanting] Come on, Homer! Come on, Homer! Pretend this is baseball and hit us a homer!
Bart: Mom, my slingshot doesn't fit in these pockets. And these shorts leave nothing to the imagination. These uniforms suck!
Marge: Bart! Where do you pick up words like that?
Homer: [on phone] Yeah, Moe, that team sure did suck last night. They just plain sucked! I've seen teams suck before, but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked.
Marge: Homer! Watch your mouth!
Homer: Aw, I gotta go. My damn weiner kids are listening. (hangs up)
Lisa: We are not weiners!
Homer: Then why are you dressed like that for?
Bart and Lisa: (in unison) They made us!
Homer: So what you're saying Marge, is that we're definitely gonna win tomorrow! Woo-hoo! Well, I won't be needing this anymore!
[Homer picks up a stolen Oscar from his poorly constructed trophy cabinet and takes it into the bathroom. Numerous flushing-water sounds can be heard, with a final gurgling sound.]
Homer: (in a whiny voice) Ma-aarge, someone broke the toilet.
[Mr. Burns is looking over his checks.]
Mr. Burns: Stop everything! I don't remember writing a check for bowling!
Smithers: Uh, sir, that's a check for your boweling.
Mr. Burns: (chuckles when he realizes this) Oh, yes, that's very important.
Smithers: Yes, sir. Remember that month you didn't do it?
Mr. Burns: Yes. That was unpleasant for all concerned.
Homer, Apu and Otto: [chanting] Go, Moe! Go, Moe! Don't make Homer shout out "D'oh!"

[edit] Two Bad Neighbors [7.13]

[Homer owns a homemade rhinestone jacket, which has the words "Disco Stu" written on it.]
Marge: Who's Disco Stu?
Homer: Uh, I wanted to write "Disco Stud" but I ran out of room.
[A man notices Homer's rhinestone jacket at the yard sale.]
Man: Hey, Stu, you should buy that.
Disco Stu: Disco Stu dosen't advertise.
Disco Stu: Disco Stu likes disco music.
Homer: Oh no, I've only got a few more minutes till they stop selling those breakfast balls! [George Bush is already ordering in front] D'OH!
George Bush: Let's see what you folks have here. A Krusty Burger? Doesn't sound very appetizing. What kind of stew do you have?
Squeaky Voiced Teen: [over radio] Uh... we don't have any stew.
Agent Ray Johnson: Why don't you just get the cheeseburger, sir?
George Bush: That's really more of a weekend thing, Ray.
Homer: [impatient] HEY, JERK! MOVE YOUR FANNY! [beeps car horn]
George Bush: Ray, that man's louder than World War II! Go see what the rhubarb is, will ya?
[Agent Johnson approaches Homer's car]
Agent Ray Johnson: Sir, could you pop your hood, please?
[Homer does so, then Agent Johnson unscrews the car horn]
Homer: Hey! My taxes pay for that horn!
[Bart & Homer walk through their sewer system]
Bart: Heh-heh, locusts. They'll drive him nuts.
Homer: It's all in the Bible, son. It's the "prankster's bible". [shows Bart his very small holy bible]
George Bush: If he thinks George Bush won't go into the sewer, well then he doesn't know George Bush.
Homer: For the last time, Bush, apologise for spanking my boy!
George Bush: Never! Tell him to apologise for destroying my memoirs!
Homer: [to Bart] You didn't tell me you destroyed his memoirs. [to Bush] NEVER!

[edit] Scenes from the Class Struggle in Springfield [7.14]

Homer: Look at these low, low price on famous name-brand electronics!
Bart: Don't be a sap, Dad. These are just crappy knock-offs!
Homer: Pfft! I know a genuine Panaphonics when I see one! And look, there's Magnetbox and Sorny!
[Mr Burns watches Homer playing golf in the toilets on CCTV]
Mr Burns: Who is that lavatory linksman, Smithers?
Smithers: Homer Simpson, sir. One of the fork and spoon operators from Sector 7-G.
Mr Burns: Well, he's certainly got a loose waggle! Perhaps I've finally found a golfer worthy of a match with Monty Burns, eh?
Smithers: His waggle is no match for yours, sir. I've never seen you lose a game, except for that one in '74 when you let Richard Nixon - that was very kind of you, Sir.
Mr Burns: Oh, he just looked so forlorn, Smithers, with his (impersonating Richard Nixon) "Oh, I can't go to prison, Monty. They'll eat me alive!"
[Smithers Laughs]
Mr Burns: Say, I wonder if this Homer Nixon is any relation?
Smithers: [hesitates] Unlikely, sir. They spell and pronounce their names differently.
Mr Burns: Bah, schedule a game and I'll ask him myself!
[Marge shows up at Patty and Selma's doorstep]
Marge: I need a formal dress for tonight!
Patty: You've come to the right place.
Selma: We've got classy duds up the yin-yang.
[Cut to Marge in a large, baggy red vinyl dress]
Patty: This dress is called "Fantasy in Maroon." It's got some cigarette burns, but you can patch it up with new vinyl.
Marge: It's a bit "peppery" for me. Let's put it in the "maybe" pile...
[Cut to Marge in an extremely tight, revealing purple minidress with large hoop earrings.]
Selma: This used to be a Halloween costume, but it found its way into my regular rotation.
Marge: Uh huh...
Marge: Homer, what are you doing?
Homer: I'm driving up to the main building. They got valet parking.
Marge: We can't drive this up there. They'll see the dent. They'll see the coat hanger antenna. Stop the car, we're walking.
Homer: But Marge, valets! Maybe for once, someone will call me "sir" without adding, "You're making a scene."

[edit] Bart the Fink [7.15]

Bart: Krusty's tired of having phonies around pretending to be his friend. I'm sure he'll find plenty of people who'll like him for who he is.
Krusty: Uh... that could happen! Huh, who needs friends? The incessant beeping of the global positioning system is all the companionship I need. [laughs and pats the system fondly, before receiving a powerful electric shock and throwing it into the water]
Krusty: Tell me where you are now, you bastard!
Sideshow Mel: I'll miss you, Krusty. I and all the other sideshows. Except Sideshow Bob.
[on phone]
Cayman Islands Bank Manager: [laughs] I'm sorry, but I cannot divulge information about that customer's secret, illegal account. [hangs up] Oh, crap. I shouldn't have said he was a customer. Oh, crap. I shouldn't have said it was a secret. Oh, crap! I certainly shouldn't have said it was illegal! [sighs] It's too hot today.
Homer: [to Bart] Don't let Krusty's death let you down, boy. People die all the time. Just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow. [Bart stares at Homer, frightened] Well, good night.

[edit] Lisa the Iconoclast [7.16]

Jebediah Springfield: A noble spirit embiggens the smallest man.
Edna Krabappel: "Embiggens"? I never heard that word before I came to Springfield.
Miss Hoover: I don't know why. It's a perfectly cromulent word.
Homer: [ringing bell] Hear ye, hear ye! Ye olde town crier proclaimed crappy by all! Chooseth Homer Simpson, and he shalt rock thy world!
Chief Wiggum: My God, he is fabulous!
Principal Skinner: He's embiggened that role with his cromulent performance.
Ralph: Can you open my milk, mommy?
Hoover: I'm not mommy, Ralph. I'm Miss Hoover. (the other students laugh at him)

(after Homer is chosen over Flanders to be the town crier for the Springfield Day Parade)

Homer: Woo-hoo! (shouting and ringing Flanders's bell) HEAR YE, HEAR YE! THE HOMER BROADCASTING SYSTEM IS ON THE AIR! ALL HOLLERING, ALL THE TIME! I'M GONNA--
Mayor Quimby: (snatches the bell away from Homer) You're to restrict your criering to the parade and selected pre-approved publicity events.
Homer: (meekly) Okay.
Homer: (as town crier) Hear ye, hear ye! What's for breakfast?
Marge: Toast.
Homer: I can't understand thee, Marge.
Marge: (sighs) Ye olde toast.
Homer: Woo-hoo!
Hollis Hurlbut: (to eight-year-old Lisa) You're banned from this Historical Society! You and your children and your children's children...! For three months.
[After Homer idly glimpses at the Comic Book Guy's script in a copy shop]
Comic Book Guy: Question: is your name Ridley Scott or James Cameron?
Homer: No, it's Homer.
Comic Book Guy: Then I would thank you to stop peering at my screenplay, "Homer." And if I see a movie where computers threaten our personal liberties, I will know you have stolen my idea.
Homer: But I'm just waiting for my kid. [thinking] Mental note: steal his idea.
Mayor Joe Quimby: Can't we have one meeting that doesn't end with us digging up a corpse?
[After Homer has deposed Ned as 'Town Crier' in the Springfield celebratory parade]
Helen: He is not the official town crier! Police, do something!
Wiggum: Well, I'd like to, ma'am, but he's too damn good. [to Lou and Eddie] Let the man march, boys. Let the man march.

[edit] Homer the Smithers [7.17]

Smithers: [driving Burns in his car] What matters is that I failed you, sir, and I'll never be able to forgive myself! [begins knocking his head against the steering wheel] Never, never, never, never, never...
[Annoyed, Burns pushes a button, raising the glass partition beween him and Smithers; his phone rings and he answers it]
Smithers: [on phone] Never, never, never, never...
Mr. Burns: I daresay you're in need of a long vacation.
Smithers: No! Don't make me take a vacation! Without you, I'll wither and die!
Mr. Burns: That's a risk I'm willing to take.
Mr. Burns: Really Smithers, I'll be fine. I'm sure your replacement will be able to handle everything. Who is he, anyway?
Smithers: Uh, Homer Simpson, sir. One of your organ banks from sector 7-G. All the recent events of your life have revolved around him in some way.
Mr. Burns: Simpson, eh?
Homer: Smithers, wait! I don't understand how to do my jobs!
Smithers: [about to get inside a car] Which one troubles you the most?
Homer: Uhhh... what should I do in case of a fire?
Smithers: [inside the car] Sorry! I can't hear you! [he drives away]
[Homer looks into Mr. Burns office, which is engulfed in flames]
Homer: Oh, just my luck.
Mr. Burns: [turning on a lamp] Ah! 60 watts? What do you think this is? A tanning salon?
Smithers: [chuckles] Perfect. When I give the signal, you transfer the call to Mr. Burns. After she tears into him I'll rush in and save the day.
Homer: Got it. [pushes speaker] I'm transferring a call in to you, Mr. Burns.
Mr. Burns: [on intercom] No problemo.
Homer: [hesitating between the four buttons] Uh... [pushes the button to disconnect the call] Uh-oh.
Mr. Burns: [from his office] Ahoy-hoy? Hoy?
Homer: [in falsetto, attempting to sound elderly] Hello, Mr. Burns. This is your mother.
Smithers: [whispering] No!
Mr. Burns: Oh, hello mater. Um... sorry about pulling the plug on you and all. Who could've known you'll pull through and... live for another five decades. Oh, is my face red!
Smithers: [whispering at Homer] Mrs. Burns is 122 years old, so try to sound more desiccated. And she doesn't call her son "Mr. Burns"!
Homer: [continues the charade] Son, this is Mrs. Burns. I just called to say, I don't love you. You are a bad son Montel...
Mr. Burns: [appearing behind Homer] So...
Homer: [screams]
Mr. Burns: Impersonate my mother, will you? And you, Smithers. You must have put him up to it! I'm glad I fired you!
Homer: ...You really blew it this time, Smithers.
Smithers: I've got to find a replacement who won't outshine me. Perhaps if I searched the employee evaluations for the word 'Incompetent'... [He does so.] 714 names? Better be more specific: "lazy, clumsy, dim-witted, monstrously ugly..." [Computer again reports 714 matches found.] Oh, nuts to this! I'll just go get Homer Simpson.
Homer: Here are your messages: "You have 30 minutes to move your car," "You have 10 minutes," "Your car has been impounded," "Your car has been crushed into a cube," "You have 30 minutes to move your cube."
[phone rings]
Homer: [answering] Yello, Mr. Burns's office.
Burns: Is it about my cube?
[Smithers is beating Homer over the head with a phone]
Smithers: It's for you!
Burns: I'll have my lunch now: a single pillow of shredded wheat, some steamed toast, and a dodo egg.
Homer: But I think the dodo went extinct-
Burns: Get going! And answer those phones, install a computer system, and rotate my office so the window faces the hills.
Mr. Burns: Donuts?! I told you, I don't like ethnic food!
Homer: I KILLED MR. BURNS! I got mad and punched him right in his 104 year old face!
Marge: Okay... maybe everything's all right. Maybe if you go apologise to him, he won't even fire you... if he's alive.
[Homer is eating a basket of fruit that has been sent to him.]
Bart: What did you get that for?
Homer: For pushing Mr Burns out of a fourth story window.
Bart: Makes sense to me.
Lisa: Did he die?
Homer: What am I, a doctor?

[edit] The Day the Violence Died [7.18]

Bart: Lisa, if I ever stop loving violence, I want you to shoot me.
Lisa: Will do!
Bart: Save our seats. (He and Lisa leave their deckchairs to go to The Comic Book Store.)
Homer: (Goes to a close-up of Homer) OK.
Strange man with his wife: (Goes back to Bart and Lisa's seats) Hello.
Homer: D'oh!
Chester: He didn't create Itchy: I did.
Bart: Huh?
Chester: He stole the character from me in 1928. When I complained, his thugs kicked me out of his office, and dropped an anvil on me. Luckily, I was carrying an umbrella at the time.
Grandpa: I thought I recognized you! I paid you a plate of corn-muffins back in 1947 to paint my chicken coop, but you never did it!
Chester J Lampwick: Those corn muffins were lousy!
Grandpa: Paint my chicken coop!
Chester J Lampwick: Make me!
[Grandpa dives at him, they begin to brawl]
Marge: One of them has to go!
Homer: Okay, Grandpa.
Marge: No, the B-U-M.
Homer: Aw...
Blue Haired Lawyer: Krusty, have you ever seen this so-called animation genius before?
Krusty: Yes, I have.
Blue Haired Lawyer (gasps) You have?!
Krusty: I paid him blintzes to paint my fence, but he never did it!
Chester J Lampwick: Those blintzes were terrible!
Krusty: Paint my fence!
Chester J Lampwick: Make me!
[Krusty, rushes to him & they start fighting]
Judge Schneider: Krusty, we don't care about your blintzes.
[Krusty gives the Judge a disgruntled look]
Roger Myers, Jr.: Where are our ideas gonna come from, huh? Her? (Points at Marge)
Marge: Uh, how about... Ghost Mutt?
[watching "Amendment To Be", which has replaced "Itchy & Scratchy"]
Bart: What the hell is this?
Lisa: It's one of those campy '70s throwbacks that appeals to Generation X'ers.
Bart: We need another Vietnam to thin out their ranks a little!
Bart: Mr. Myers, you probably don't need it now, but we had an plan, too!
Roger Myers, Jr.: Hey, great! Listen, put in an envelope and mail it to last week when I might have cared! I've got cartoons to make, kids.

[edit] A Fish Called Selma [7.19]

Marge: What are you talking about?
Homer: You know, his bizarre personal life. Those weird things they say he does down at the aquarium. Why, I heard...
Marge: Oh, Homer, that's just an urban legend. People don't do that kind of thing with fish!
Louie: Troy McClure!? You said he was dead!
Fat Tony: No, what I said is that he sleeps with the fishes! You see...
Louie: Uh, Tony, please, no. I just ate a whole plate of dingamagoo.
Troy McClure: [on telephone] T Mc-C.
MacArthur Parker: Troy, it's MacArthur Parker.
Troy: MacArthur Parker the agent? MacArthur Parker MY agent?!
Troy McClure: You know, my good looks paid for that pool. And my talent filled it with water.
Troy McClure: Mac, you gotta get me that part!
MacArthur Parker: I will, but you gotta do something for me; problem is the big parts these days are all going to family men.
Troy: But I already got married!
MacArthur: Yeah, for a role like this, you gotta pour it on. You and your, er, wife have gotta have a baby.
Troy: A baby, eh? What do I do?
MacArthur: I'll send you over a pamphlet. Listen, you can't buy that kind of P.R., but you can get it for nothing by having a baby. Which, by the way, your insurance will cover, except for the deductible, which I'll reimburse you for if you get the part, which you will if you have a baby.
Troy: C'est Troi Bien!
MacArthur: Okay. Now listen, let's talk baby names. You can't use Montana, Dakota or Florida, they're taken...
Troy: Hmm... Oregon?
MacArthur: Oh, Pacific Northwest, very hot.

[edit] Bart on the Road [7.20]

Homer: Wanna bite of my doughnut?
Lisa: No, thanks. Do you have any fruit?
Homer: This has purple stuff inside. Purple is a fruit.

(Bart and his friends arrive in a Las Vegas-esque city)

Nelson: (in awe) What is this place?
Bart: Branson, Missouri. My dad says it's like Vegas... if it were run by Ned Flanders.
Moe: Moe's Tavern, Moe speaking.
Homer: Hi, I'm looking for a Mr. Snotball, first name Ura.
Moe: Ura Snotball?
Homer: What? How dare you! If I find out who this is I'll staple a flag to your butt and mail you to Iran!

(Lisa finally tells Homer about Bart's "adventure")

Lisa: (rapidly) Bart rented a car with a phony driver's license and drove Milhouse, Nelson, and Martin to a wig outlet in Knoxville and the car got crushed and they're out of money and they can't get home and Bart's working as a courier and just came back from Hong Kong!
[Homer's face turns red, but his expression remains impassive]
Homer (eerily calm) Yes. That's a real pickle. Would you excuse me for a moment?
[Homer puts on his hazmat suit helmet and screams into it for several seconds, eventually fogging it up. He removes the helmet.]
Homer: [eerily calm again] All right, I have thought this through. I will send Bart the money to fly home. Then I will murder him.
Lisa: No, NO! Then he'll know I told!
Homer: Hello, Oakridge, this is Springfield Nuclear. I'd like to place an order for a... (looks at his workstation) T-437 Safety Command Console.
Technician: Uh Springfield, my computer shows your T-437 is fully operational. Now I suggest you...
[Homer pours his Buzz Cola all over the console, shorting it out.]
Technician: Oh, my God! Oh, God, no! Oh, this can't be happening...! This — you're operating without a T-437 Springfield! Ahh, sweet mother of mercy! I mean, I mean, my God!
[Marge and Homer retire for the night. Before they can go to bed,the phone rings]
Marge: [answering] Hello? Oh hello, Principal Skinner. No, Bart has never been to Hong Kong. Good night.
[she hangs up, but the phone rings again]
Marge: [answering] Hello? Tennessee State Police? No, my son's car was not crushed in Knoxville. I don't know where to begin telling you what's wrong with that.
[she hangs up, but the phone rings yet again]
Marge: [answering] Hello? No, Bart is not available tomorrow to deliver a human kidney to Amsterdam!
[she hangs up and turns out the light; Homer smothers a laugh]
Marge: Homer, are you laughing at me?

[edit] 22 Short Films About Springfield [7.21]

Dr. Nick: Holy smokes! You need booze! [Reaches into his pocket and gives a handful of change to Smithers]
Cletus's opening song
Some folk'll never eat a skunk.
But then again some folk'll.
Like Cletus the slack-jawed yokel!
Cletus: [pokes his head through the title card] Hey, what's goin' on this side?
Cletus's closing song
Most folk'll never lose a toe.
But then again some folk'll.
Like Cletus the slack-jawed yokel.

"Skinner & The Superintendent" Theme Song

Skinner, with his crazy explanations
The superintendent's gonna need his medication
When he hears Skinner's lame exaggerations
There'll be trouble in town tonight.

"The Tomfoolery of Professor John Frink" Theme Song

N-hey, n-hey
Professor Frink, Professor Frink
He'll make you laugh, he'll make you think
He likes to run

And then the thing with the...
um, person...

[Bart and Milhouse are standing on a pederstrian overpass spitting at cars]
Bart: Milhouse, do you ever think about the people in those cars?
Milhouse: I try not to. It makes it harder to spit on 'em.
Sanjay: I wish you'd come to my party, Apu. You could use some merriment.
Apu Listen, serving the customer is merriment enough for me. [Bart pays for his gum] Thank you, come again. You see? Most enjoyable.
Sanjay: Oh, I guarantee a wingding of titanic proportions. You will be there or kindly be square.
Apu: Well, I don't like to leave the store... [dusts off a "back in 5 minutes" sign] ...but for the next five minutes I'm going to party like it's on sale for 19.99!
[Apu arrives at Sanjay's party]
Apu: [grabs a tofu dog off the grill] Quick, quick, no time to cook them, they will plump in my stomach. [quickly eats the hot dog, drinks some beer quickly and burps then pots a pretty woman] Hello, beautiful. No ring, I see. So you are only arranged to be married.
["Freakazoid" plays on the stereo]
Apu: Ooh, ooh, ooh, I love this song. Let us boogie. [grabs the girl, and sings along] I am a Freak-a-zoid, come on and wind me up... Ooh, I am hot. Let us get out of here. [Apu and the woman retire to a changing house, two seconds later Apu leaves, clothes askew and smoking] Don't worry, I'll tell everybody you were untouchable! [backs into the pool, dragging the other guests along with him in a domino fashion] Oh Sanjay, never have I partied so hearty. Same time next year, no?
[they high-five]
Apu and Sandjay: Yeah!
[Lou, Eddie and Chief Wiggum are eating at Krusty Burger.]
Lou: You know, I went to the McDonald's in Shelbyville on Friday night-
Wiggum: [interrupting] The McWhat?
Lou: Uh, the McDonald's. I, I never heard of it either, but they have over 2,000 locations in this state alone.
Eddie: Must've sprung up overnight.
Lou: You know, the funniest thing though; it's the little differences.
Wiggum: Example.
Lou: Well, at McDonald's you can buy a Krusty Burger with cheese, right? But they don't call it a Krusty Burger with cheese.
Wiggum: Get out! Well, what do they call it?
Lou: A Quarter Pounder with cheese.
Wiggum: Quarter Pounder with cheese? Well, I can picture the cheese, but, uh, do they have Krusty partially gelatinated non-dairy gum-based beverages?
Lou: Mm-hm. They call 'em, "shakes."
Eddie: Huh, shakes. You don't know what you're gettin'.
Wiggum: Well, I know what I'm gettin': Some doughnuts.
[He struggles to get out of the booth]
Wiggum: Uh, help me out of the booth, boys.
[Lou and Eddie pop Wiggum's booth with their forks]
Moe: Say, Barn, uh, remember when I said I'd have to send away to NASA to calculate your bar tab?
Barney: Oh ho, oh yeah, you had a good laugh, Moe.
Moe: The results came back today. (reading a printout) You owe me seventy billion dollars.
Barney: Huh?
Moe: No, wait, wait, wait, that's for the Voyager spacecraft. Your tab is fourteen billion dollars.
[Smithers and Burns are on a tandem bicycle and a bee lands on Smithers' face]
Burns: [looking up from his magazine] Smithers, what's the meaning of this slacking off?
Smithers: Uh, there's a bee in my eye, sir.
Burns: And?
Smithers: I, I'm allergic to bee stings. They cause me to, uh, die.
Burns: But we're running out of forward momentum.
Smithers: Uh, perhaps you could pedal for just a little while, sir?
Burns: Quite impossible. I could try to bat him off if you like. [tries to, feebly, with the magazine]
Smithers: Uh, really, that's o-
[the bee stings Smithers, who slumps over the handlebars]
Burns: Holy cats, man! We're starting to wobble.
Smithers: [heavily slurred] Get... me... to... a... hospital... you... have... to... pedal.
Burns: Oh, Tuttle's Sunday trousers. Fear not, I'll get you to a hospital - the only way I know how... Smithers, you infernal ninny, stick your left hoof on that flange, now! Now, if you can get it through your bug-addled rain, jam that second mephitic clodhopper of yours on the right doodad! Now pump those scrawny chicken legs, you stuporous funker!
Chairman: Dr. Nick, this malpractice committee has received a few complaints against you. [reads from clipboard] Of the 160 gravest charges, the most troubling are performing major operations with a knife and fork from a seafood restaurant...
Riviera But I cleaned them with my napkin.
Chairman: Misuse of the cadavers.
Riviera I get here earlier when I drive in the carpool lane.
Skinner: [faking a yawn] Well, that was wonderful. Good time was had by all. I'm pooped.
Chalmers: Yes, I guess I should be - [notes entire kitchen is on fire] Good Lord, what is happening in there?
Skinner: The Aurora Borealis?
Chalmers: The Aurora Borealis? At this time of year? At this time of day? In this part of the country? Localized entirely within your kitchen?
Skinner: Yes.
Chalmers: May I see it?
Skinner: Oh, erm... No.
Agnes: [offscreen] Seymour! The house is on fire!
Skinner: No, mother. It's just the Northern Lights.
Chalmers: Well, Seymour, you are an odd fellow, but I must say you steam a good ham.
[Chalmers walks off. He looks back at Skinner, who flashes him the "thumbs-up" sign]
Agnes: Help! Help!
[fire engines run to the rescue]
Wiggum: (singing) Doughnuts, I got doughnuts... [notices Snake sitting at red light] Hey, I know you!
(Snake notices Wiggum and runs him over Wiggum in car)
Wiggum: Hey, hey, wait up! We gotta swap insurance info!
[Reverend Lovejoy is walking a sheepdog. He stops in front of Flanders' house.]
Lovejoy: C'mon boy, this is the spot, right here. That's a good boy, do your dirty, sinful business.
Ned: Well, howdy, Reverend Lovejoy. Nice to see you there... on my lawn... with your dog.
Lovejoy: Oh, oh, ooh, bad dog! Look at that, right on Ned's lawn. Now how could you do such a thing? [quietly to the dog] Good boy, don't stop now. Bad dog, I condemn you to Hell.
Ned: Better get the old snow shovel back from Homer, eh? [leaves]
Lovejoy: [to dog] Good boy, don't stop the music.
[Brandine is doing some of her daily chores. Cletus walks in, carrying a pair of black boots.]
Cletus: Hey, Brandine! You might could wear these to your job interview.
Brandine: And scuff up the topless dancin' runway? Naw, you best bring 'em back from where you got 'em.
[Cletus shimmies up a telephone pole, and tosses the shoes out on the wire.]
Cletus: Hey, you know what? I could call my ma while I'm up here. [yelling] Hey, maw! Get off the dang roof!
(N.B. Reference to Green Acres)
Bart: Everybody in town's got their story to tell. There's just not enough time to hear them all.

[edit] Raging Abe Simpson and His Grumbling Grandson in "The Curse of the Flying Hellfish" [7.22]

Mr. Burns: Simpson, can't you go five seconds without embarrassing yourself?
[Grandpa's overall straps come loose and his pants fall down]
Grandpa: How long was that?
Grandpa: All right! You can have the paintings. Just don't hurt the boy!
Mr. Burns: Hmm... I'd rather do both.
Grandpa: Now my story begins in nineteen-dickety-two. We had to say "dickety" cause the Kaiser had stolen our word "twenty." I chased that rascal to get it back, but gave up after dickety-six miles.
Mr. Burns: (Bashing through Bart's bedroom wall to Lisa's room) Oh! Terribly sorry. Back to sleep, little girl.
Lisa: Santa?

[edit] Much Apu About Nothing [7.23]

Homer: Let's all calm down. Everyone's going to be just fine, as long as I have enough beer... (opens the refrigerator only to find boxes of baking soda; he screams) All right, that does it. If I'm going to be trapped in the house, I gotta go out and get some beer.
Nelson: Hey, German boy! Go back to Germania!
Marge: What you're saying is so understandable. And really, your only crime was violating U.S. law.
Apu: Oh, I fell asleep! I have forgotten everything that Mr. Homer taught me!
Lisa: Perfect. Let's roll.
Homer: If I could say a few words, I'd be a better public speaker.
Giant Mob: (chanting) We're here! We're queer! We don't want anymore bears!
Mayor's Aide: An angry mob to see you, sir.
Mayor Quimby: Does it have an appointment?
Aide: [checking schedule] Um, yes it does.
Principal Skinner: I phoned ahead.
Homer: Not a bear in sight. The Bear Patrol must be working like a charm!
Lisa: That’s specious reasoning, Dad.
Homer: Why thank you, honey.
Lisa: By your logic, I could claim that this rock keeps tigers away.
Homer: Hmm. How does it work?
Lisa: It doesn’t work; it’s just a stupid rock!
Homer: Uh-huh.
Lisa: But I don’t see any tigers around, do you?
Homer: Hmm... Lisa, I want to buy your rock.
[Proposition 24 passes despite apparently overwhelming support for its failure.]
Homer: When will people learn? Democracy doesn't work!
Homer: (chanting) Down with taxes! Down with taxes!
Helen: Will someone please think of the children?
Homer: (on phone) Hello, Selma? Selma my dear, how are you? Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh. Listen, shut up for a second. How would you like to marry Apu so he doesn't get deported?
Selma: I'd rather eat poison. My name's already Selma Bouvier Terwilliger Hutz McClure. God knows it's long enough without Nahassapeema-whatever. From now on, I'm only marrying for love... Mmm, possibly once more for money.
Apu: Oh, it's hopeless. Oh, poor Apu.
Abe: Hey! The government can't control the sky. What if you lived in a balloon?
Lisa: That's it!
Bart: Hear that? Hear that, Mom? She's as dumb as me.
Lisa: No, not what he said. What he is. Grandfather, as in grandfather clause.