The Simpsons/Season 7
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The Simpsons Season 7
[edit] Who Shot Mr. Burns? (Part Two) [7.01]
- [Eddie and Lou interrogate Moe with a lie detector.]
- Eddie: Do you hold a grudge against Montgomery Burns?
- Moe: No. (buzz, red light) All right, maybe I did. But I didn't shoot him! (ding, green light)
- Eddie: Checks out. Okay, sir, you're free to go.
- Moe: Good, 'cause I got a hot date tonight. (buzz) A date. (buzz) Dinner with friends. (buzz) Dinner alone. (buzz) Watching TV alone. (buzz) All right! I'm going to sit at home and ogle the ladies in the Victoria's Secret catalogue! (buzz) Sears catalogue. (ding) Now, would you unhook this already?! I don't deserve this kind of shabby treatment! (buzz)
- Mr Burns: Officers, arrest the baby!
- Chief Wiggum: Yeah, right, pops. No jury in the world is gonna convict a baby. Hmm... maybe Texas.
[edit] Radioactive Man [7.02]
- [Hollywood. Executive producer is looking through Variety magazine to scout out a potential location to film the Radioactive Man movie. He sees full page colorful ads that say "Film New York", "Film Utah" and "Film Texas" before coming to a small section that says "Flim Springfield"]
- Executive producer: "All right. This town must be hot. They do not need a large ad or even correct spelling!" (Executive producer buzzes his secretary) "Please get me two tickets for whatever state Springfield is in."
- Bart: George Burns was right. Show business is a hideous bitch goddess.
- Lisa: Cheer up, Bart. Milhouse is still going to need a true friend, someone to tell him he's great. Someone to rub lotion on him. Someone he can hurl whiskey bottles at when he's feeling low.
- Bart: You're right, Lis! I can suck up to him! Like the religious people suck up to God!
[A prop man is painting black spots onto white horses.]
- Martin Prince: Uh, sir, why don't you just use real cows?
- Painter: Cows don't look like cows on film. You got to use horses.
- Ralph: What do you do if you want something that looks like a horse?
- Painter: Eh, usually we just tape a bunch of cats together.
[edit] Home Sweet Homediddly-Dum-Doodily [7.03]
- [The social worker looks at Maggie, who is wearing the "I'm a stupid baby" sign Bart originally put on Lisa)
- Child-Welfare Officer #1: STUPID babies need the most attention!
- Homer: Okay, don't panic! To find Flanders, you just have to think like Flanders...
- Homer's brain: I'm a big four-eyed lame-o and I wear the same stupid sweater everyday and-
- Homer: The Springfield River!
[edit] Bart Sells His Soul [7.04]
- Reverend Lovejoy: I know one of you is responsible for this, so repeat after me: If I withhold the truth may I go straight to Hell, where I will eat naught but burning hot coals and drink naught but burning hot cola...
- Ralph Wiggum: [scared] Where fiery demons will punch me in the back...
- Bart: [nonchalant] Where my soul will be chopped into confetti and strewn upon a parade of murderers and single mothers...
- Milhouse: [clearly nervous] Where my tongue will be torn out by ravenous birds...
- [A raven outside crows menacingly.]
- Milhouse: Bart did it! That Bart, right there!
- Bart: [angry] Milhouse!
- Reverend Lovejoy: Milhouse, you did the right thing. Bart, come with me for punishment. [grabs Bart, then reaches back for Milhouse] You too, snitchy.
- Bart: Milhouse! How could you have squealed on me?!
- Milhouse: Sorry Bart, but I did not want hungry birds eating my soul.
- Bart: You fell for that? Milhouse, there is no such thing as a soul! It's just something made up to scare kids, like the boogeyman or Michael Jackson!
- Milhouse: There is a soul Bart. It is in your skull right about here. When you sneeze, that is your soul trying to escape. Saying "God Bless You" makes it go back in. When you die, it crawls out of your nose and up to Heaven.
- Bart: Right, right. And what if you die by drowning in a submarine?
- Milhouse: Oh, it can swim! It has even got wheels in case you die in the desert and it needs to get to Heaven quickly!
- Bart: How can someone with glasses so thick be so stupid? You do not have a soul, I do not have a soul, there is no such thing as a soul!
- Bart: I can't take this any more! I want my soul, and I want it now! [runs out of the restaurant]
- Homer: Bart! You didn't finish your Spaghetti and Moeballs!
- Homer's Brain: Quiet you fool! It could be ours!
- Homer: [eating] Run, boy! Run! Run for your life. BOY!
[edit] Lisa the Vegetarian [7.05]
- Homer: Are you saying you're never going to eat any animal again? What about bacon?
- Lisa: No.
- Homer: Ham?
- Lisa: No!
- Homer: Pork chops?
- Lisa: Dad, those all come from the same animal!
- Homer: Heh, heh, heh. Ooh, yeah, right, Lisa. A wonderful, magical animal.
[In Apu's garden]
- Apu: ...it's like Paul's song, "Live and Let Live".
- Paul McCartney: Actually, it was "Live and Let Die".
- Apu: Who cares, who cares? It had a good rhythm!
- Homer: Marge? Since I'm not talking to Lisa, would you please ask her to pass me the syrup?
- Marge: Dear, please pass your father the syrup, Lisa.
- Lisa: Bart, tell Dad I will only pass the syrup if it won't be used on any meat product.
- Bart: You dunkin' your sausages in that syrup, homeboy?
- Homer: Marge, tell Bart I just want to drink a nice glass of syrup like I do every morning.
- Marge: Tell him yourself, you're ignoring Lisa, not Bart.
- Homer: Bart, thank your mother for pointing that out.
- Marge: Homer, you're not not-talking to me and secondly I heard what you said.
- Homer: Lisa, tell your mother to get off my case.
- Bart: Uhhh, dad, Lisa's the one you're not talking to.
- Homer: Bart, go to your room.
[edit] Treehouse of Horror VI [7.06]
- Lisa: Do you understand what this means, Bart? The next time we fall asleep, we could die!
- Grandpa: Eh, welcome to my world! (falls asleep)
- Homer's Brain: (as he enters the 3rd dimension) Oh, glory of glories! Oh, heavenly testament to the eternal majesty of God's creation!
- Homer: Holy macaroni!
[edit] King-Size Homer [7.07]
- [Mister Burns is directing the plant employees at aerobics.]
- Montgomery Burns: Raise your left hock, aerate! Raise your right hock, aerate! Come on people! I want to see more Teddy Roosevelts and less Franklin Roosevelts!
- Lisa: Mom, aren't you going to step in and stop this?
- Marge: Usually, your father's crackpot schemes fail once he sees something good on TV. But this season...
- Telephone operator: The fingers you have used to dial are too fat. To obtain a special dialing wand, please mash the keypad with your palm now.
- [Last lines of episode]
- Montgomery Burns: Homer, your quick-thinking and bravery have turned a potential Chernobyl into a mere Three Mile Island. Bravo!
- Lisa: I still consider it ironic that Dad's girth saved the day, while a slimmer man would have falled to his death.
- Bart: And I consider it ironic that, for once, Dad's butt actually prevented the release of toxic ga...
- Marge: BART!
- Montgomery Burns: Now Homer, if there is anything else I can do for you, please let me know.
- [Homer looks at his family, and realizes his obesity is making life hard for them.]
- Homer: Can you please make me thin again?
- Montgomery Burns: I guarantee it!
- [Nighttime. Homer and Burns are now the only ones at plant. Burns is frustrated by Homer's girth and straining himself to do situps.]
- Montgomery Burns: One. One. ONE!
- [Burns throws down his megaphone in frustration]
- Montgomery Burns: Rats! I will just pay for the blasted liposuction!
- Homer: WOO-HOO!
[edit] Mother Simpson [7.08]
- Newspaper headline: LOCAL MAN LOSES PANTS, LIFE
- [Homer clears the moss away from the headstone of what he thinks is his mother's grave.]
- Homer: I'm sorry I never visit, Mom! I'm just not a cemetery person. (reads tombstone engraving): "Here...lies..."
- [He clears the last of the moss away. The name on the stone is Walt Whitman. Homer is enraged.]
- Homer: WALT WHITMAN?! AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH! DAMN YOU, WALT WHITMAN! (kicking the stone) I-HATE-YOU-WALT-FREAKING-WHITMAN! "Leaves of Grass," my ass!
[edit] Sideshow Bob's Last Gleaming [7.09]
- Airman: And at this point in time, I would like to direct your attention to the particular air-vehicle next to which I am currently standing: the Harrier jet, one of our more dollar-intensive ordnance loadery vectors. Although it looks very complicated, I assure you, it is so well designed that even a child could fly it.
- Lisa: Can I fly it?
- Airman: Of course you cannot.
- [Bart and Grandpa come across the Wright Brothers' airplane.]
- Bart: Look at that hunk of junk!
- Grandpa: (sputters) You're ignorant! That's the Wright Brothers' plane! In Kitty Hawk in 1903, Charles Lindbergh flew it 15 miles on a thimble full of corn oil. Single-handedly won us the Civil War, it did!
- Bart: How do you know so much about history, Grandpa?
- Grandpa: I pieced it together, mostly from sugar packets!
- [Sideshow Bob appears on a giant TV screen at the airshow and demands that Springfield abolish television.]
- Sideshow Bob: Oh, and one more thing. I've stolen a nuclear weapon. If my demands are not met within one hour... I shall detonate it.
- [The image starts off. The crowd starts to panic, but then Bob comes back on.]
- Sideshow Bob: By the way, I'm already aware of the irony of appearing on television in order to decry it, so don't bother pointing that out.
- [Last lines of episode. Sideshow Bob is arrested and Colonel Hapablap (played by R. Lee Ermey) is referring to a line said by Gunnery Sergeant Hartman (also played by Ermey) from Full Metal Jacket]
- Colonel Hapablap: What is your major malfunction, Sideshow Bob?!
[edit] The Simpsons 138th Episode Spectacular [7.10]
- (deleted scene from Treehouse of Horror IV)
- Bart: I'd sell my soul for a formula one racing car.
- [Devil Flanders appears with a formula one racing car]
- Devil Flanders: Heh, heh, heh, that can be arranged.
- Bart: Changed my mind. Sorry.
- [Devil Flanders vanishes]
- Marge: Bart, stop pestering Satan!
- {One of the false endings to Who Shot Mister Burns?}
- Lisa: And, with your remaining energy, you pointed to W and S on the sundial. Waylon Smithers!
- {People gasp upon seeing Smithers is the one who shot Mister Burns}
- Montgomery Burns: Smithers, for attempting to kill me, I am giving you a 5% pay cut!
- Waylon Smithers: Aww!
- Troy McClure: But in order for that ending to work, you would have to ignore all the Simpson DNA evidence, and that would be downright nutty!
- Troy McClure: Yes, The Simpsons have come a long way since an old drunk made humans out of his rabbit characters to pay off his gambling debts. Who knows what adventures they'll have between now and the time the show becomes unprofitable? I'm Troy McClure, and now leave you with what we all came here to see: hardcore nudity!
[edit] Marge Be Not Proud [7.11]
- [As Bart contemplates stealing a copy of "Bonestorm," he imagines several video game characters talking to him.]
- Luigi: Go ahead, Bart. Take-a the "Bonestorm!"
- Mario: The store, she's so rich! She'll-a never notice!
- Donkey Kong: Duh, it's the company's fault for making you want it so much!
- Lee Carvello: Don't do it, son. How's that game gonna help your putting?
- Sonic the Hedgehog: Just take it! Takeit-takeit-takeit-takeit-takeit! TAKE IT!
- [Bart sees a sign saying "Bonestorm - 99 cents." He rushes inside.]
- Bart: I'd like to buy a copy of "Bonestorm." Here's 99 cents.
- Comic Book Guy: (sighs) Allow me to summarize the proposed transaction. You wish to purchase "Bonestorm" for 99 cents. Net profit to me: negative 59 dollars. [opens the cash register] Please take my 59 dollars, I don't want it. [Bart reaches forward to take the cash.]Uh uh - Seeing as you are unfamiliar with sarcasm, I shall close the cash register at this point, and state that 99 cents is the rental price.
- Bart Then may I please rent it, please???
- Comic Book Guy No you may not, I am all out, though I do have a surprising abundance of "Lee Carvallo's Putting Challenge."
[edit] Team Homer [7.12]
- Moe: You go through life, you try to resist the urge to punch people in the face, and for what? For some pimply little puke to treat you like dirt! Well, I'm better than dirt! Well... most kinds of dirt. I mean, not that fancy store-bought dirt. That stuff's loaded with nutrients. I... I can't compete with that stuff.
- Bart: Mom, my slingshot doesn't fit in these pockets. And these shorts leave nothing to the imagination. These uniforms suck!
- Marge: Bart! Where do you pick up words like that?
- Homer: [on phone] Yeah, Moe, that team sure did suck last night. They just plain sucked! I've seen teams suck before, but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked.
- Marge: Homerrr!
- Homer: Aw, I gotta go. My damn wiener kids are listening. (hangs up)
- Lisa: We are not wieners!
- Homer: Then why are you dressed like that for?
- Bart and Lisa: (in unison) They made us!
[edit] Two Bad Neighbors [7.13]
- George Bush: If he thinks George Bush won't go into the sewer, well then he doesn't know George Bush.
- Grandpa: Big deal! When I was a pup, we got spanked by Presidents till the cows came home. Grover Cleveland spanked me on two non-consecutive occasions.
[edit] Scenes from the Class Struggle in Springfield [7.14]
- Homer: Look at these low, low prices on famous brand-name electronics!
- Bart: Don't be a sap, Dad. These are just crappy knock-offs!
- Homer: Pfft! I know a genuine Panaphonics when I see one! And look, there's Magnetbox and Sorny!
- {Homer has taken up golf as a hobby and is practicing hitting golf balls into the commodes in the men's room at the nuclear plant, which is clandestinely being observed by Mr. Burns and Mr. Smithers on their surveillance cameras}
- Montgomery Burns: Smithers, who is that lavatory linksman?
- Waylon Smithers: Homer Simpson, sir. From Sector 7-G.
- Montgomery Burns: Simpson, eh? Well, invite him to the country club. I believe I finally may have a challenge in golf. I have not lost a game since I let Richard Nixon win during his beleaguered second term.
- Waylon Smithers: That was very thoughtful of you, sir.
- Montgomery Burns: Oh, he just looked so forlorn, Smithers, with his (imitating Nixon) "Ohhh, I can't go to prison, Monty. They'll eat me alive! {normal voice} Say, I wonder if this Homer Nixon is of any relation?
- Waylon Smithers: Unlikely sir, as they spell and pronounce their names differently.
- Marge: Homer, what are you doing?
- Homer: I'm driving up to the main building. They got valet parking tonight.
- Marge: We can't drive this up there. They'll see the dent. They'll see the coat hanger antenna. Stop the car, we're walking.
- Homer: But Marge, valets! For once in my life maybe someone will call me "sir" without adding, "You're making a scene."
[edit] Bart the Fink [7.15]
- Cayman Islands Offshore Holding Corporation Manager: (chuckles) Oh, I'm sorry. But I can't divulge any information about that customer's secret, illegal account. (hangs up phone) ...Oh, crap. I shouldn't have said he was a customer... oh, crap. I shouldn't have said it was a secret... oh, crap! I certainly shouldn't have said it was illegal...! (sits back, fanning himself) Ah, it's too hot today.
- {Krusty is being audited by the IRS}
- Krusty: But I can't go to prison! I have a swanky lifestyle! I'm used to the best!
- IRS Agent #1: Krusty, this is America. We don't send our celebrities to prison. We'll just garnish your salary.
- Krusty: Garnish my celery?
- IRS Agent #2: Krusty please, no jokes.
- Krusty: Who's joking? This is all so strange and scary to me!
- IRS Agent #1: It simply means we will be taking part of your salary until the debt is repaid. Let's say, 75% for the next 40 years.
- Krusty: But I don't plan to live that long!
- IRS Agent #2: Better make it 95%.
- Bart: Krusty's tired of having phonies around pretending to be his friend. I'm sure he'll find plenty of people who'll like him for who he is.
- Krusty: Uh... that could happen! Huh, who needs friends? The incessant beeping of the global positioning system is all the companionship I need. [laughs and pats the system fondly, before receiving a powerful electric shock and throwing it into the water]
- Krusty: Tell me where you are now, you bastard!
- Homer: [to Bart] Don't let Krusty's death let you down, boy. People die all the time. Just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow. [Bart stares at Homer, frightened] Well, good night.
[edit] Lisa the Iconoclast [7.16]
- Edna Krabappel: "Embiggens"? I never heard that word before I came to Springfield.
- Miss Hoover: I don't know why. It's a perfectly cromulent word.
- Homer: [ringing bell] Hear ye, hear ye! Ye olde town crier proclaimed crappy by all! Chooseth Homer Simpson, and he shalt rock thy world!
- Chief Wiggum: My God, he is fabulous!
- Principal Skinner: He's embiggened that role with his cromulent performance.
- Lisa: (wakes up from her dream and yells) I want to help you, George Washington!
- Bart Simpson: (walking by) "I want to help you, George Washington"? Man, even your dreams are square.
[edit] Homer the Smithers [7.17]
- Smithers: I've got to find a replacement who won't outshine me. Perhaps if I searched the employee evaluations for the word 'Incompetent'... [He does so.] 714 names? Better be more specific: "lazy, clumsy, dim-witted, monstrously ugly..." [Computer again reports 714 matches found.] Oh, nuts to this! I'll just go get Homer Simpson.
- Homer: Here are your messages: "You have 30 minutes to move your car," "You have 10 minutes," "Your car has been impounded," "Your car has been crushed into a cube," "You have 30 minutes to move your cube."
- [phone rings]
- Homer: [answering] Yello, Mr. Burns's office.
- Burns: Is it about my cube?
- Smithers: So, Mister Burns can now do all his work for himself, but I will wager you dollars to donuts he can't handle a call from his mother!
- Homer: Mister Burns' mother is still alive?
- Smithers: They haven't spoken in 50 years. He never forgave her for that affair with President Taft!
- Homer: (chuckling) Taft, you old dog!
[edit] The Day the Violence Died [7.18]
- Chester: He didn't create Itchy: I did.
- Bart: Huh?
- Chester: He stole the character from me in 1928. When I complained, his thugs kicked me out of his office, and dropped an anvil on me. Luckily, I was carrying an umbrella at the time.
- [watching "Amendment To Be", which has replaced "Itchy & Scratchy"]
- Bart: What the hell is this?
- Lisa: It's one of those campy '70s throwbacks that appeals to Generation X'ers.
- Bart: We need another Vietnam to thin out their ranks a little!
[edit] A Fish Called Selma [7.19]
- Marge: What are you talking about?
- Homer: You know, his bizarre personal life. Those weird things they say he does down at the aquarium. Why, I heard...
- Marge: Oh, Homer, that's just an urban legend. People don't do that kind of thing with fish!
- Louie: Troy McClure!? You said he was dead!
- Fat Tony: No, what I said is that he sleeps with the fishes! You see...
- Louie: Uh, Tony, please, no. I just ate a whole plate of dingamagoo.
[edit] Bart on the Road [7.20]
- Homer: Wanna bite of my doughnut?
- Lisa: No, thanks. Do you have any fruit?
- Homer: This has purple stuff inside. Purple is a fruit.
- Nelson: (in awe) What is this place?
- Bart: Branson, Missouri. My dad says it's like Vegas... if it were run by Ned Flanders.
- [Bart desperately appeals to Lisa when he, Milhouse, Martin and Nelson are stranded in Knoxville, Tennessee. Lisa enlists Homer's help after making him promise not to get mad.]
- Lisa: (rapidly) Bart rented a car with a phony driver's license and drove Milhouse, Nelson, and Martin to a wig outlet in Knoxville and their car got crushed and they're out of money and they can't get home and Bart's working as a courier and just came back from Hong Kong!
- [Homer's face turns a strange shade of red, but his expression remains impassive.]
- Homer: (eerily calm) Yes, that's a real pickle. Would you excuse me for a moment?
- [Homer dons a helmet from a radiation suit and roars several profanities which are muffled by the helmet, eventually fogging the helmet's visor. Homer then removes the helmet and turns back to Lisa, as eerily calm as before.]
- Homer: All right, I have thought this through. I will send Bart the money to fly home. Then I will murder him.
[edit] 22 Short Films About Springfield [7.21]
- Sanjay: I wish you'd come to my party, Apu. You could use some merriment.
- Apu Listen, serving the customer is merriment enough for me. [Bart pays for his gum] Thank you, come again. You see? Most enjoyable.
- Sanjay: Oh, I guarantee a wingding of titanic proportions. You will be there or kindly be square.
- Apu: Well, I don't like to leave the store... [dusts off a "back in 5 minutes" sign] ...but for the next five minutes I'm going to party like it's on sale for 19.99!
- Chairman: Dr. Nick, this malpractice committee has received a few complaints against you. [reads from clipboard] Of the 160 gravest charges, the most troubling are performing major operations with a knife and fork from a seafood restaurant...
- Riviera But I cleaned them with my napkin.
- Chairman: Misuse of the cadavers.
- Riviera I get here earlier when I drive in the carpool lane.
[edit] Raging Abe Simpson and His Grumbling Grandson in "The Curse of the Flying Hellfish" [7.22]
- Mr. Burns: Simpson, can't you go five seconds without embarrassing yourself?
- [Grandpa's suspenders come loose and his pants fall down]
- Grandpa: How long was that?
- Grandpa: All right! You can have the paintings. Just don't hurt the boy!
- Mr. Burns: Hmm... I'd rather do both.
Grandpa makes a dangerous deep water dive to rescue Bart from being drowned by Mr. Burns
- Bart: Sorry I made you lose the treasure, Grandpa.
- Grandpa: The treasure's not important, boy; the most important thing is that you're safe. Now, let's go get that treasure!
Bart is impressed with Grandpa's past heroism
- Bart: Grandpa, do you think I could have been in the Flying Hellfish?
- Grandpa: You're a give-em'-hell daredevil with a never-say-die attitude and a fourth-grade education! You could have made sergeant!
[edit] Much Apu About Nothing [7.23]
- Marge: What you're saying is so understandable. And really, your only crime was violating U.S. law.
- Homer: Please identify this object.
- Apu: It appears to be the flag that disappeared from the public library last year.
- Homer: Correct. Now, we all know the thirteen strips are for good luck, but why does the American flag have precisely forty-seven stars?
- Apu: Because this particular flag is (chuckling) ridiculously out of date! The library must have purchased it during the brief period in 1912 after New Mexico became a state but before Arizona did.
- Homer: Uh... partial credit.
[edit] Homerpalooza [7.24]
- Homer: Aww, it makes no sense; I haven't changed since high school and suddenly I'm uncool.
{1974. Homer and Barney are singing to the tune of Leo Sayer's "Dancing"}
- Homer: [off-key] You make me feel like dancin'!
- Barney: [off-key] I wanna dance the night away!
- Grampa Simpson: What the hell are you two doing?!
- Homer: It's called "rocking out", dad. You're just not with it.
- Grampa Simpson: I used to be with it, but then they changed what it was. Now what I'm with isn't it, and what's it seems weird and scary to me... and the same thing is going to happen to you!
- Homer: No way, man! We're gonna keep on rockin' Forever! Forever! Forever!
- [fades to the current timeline]
- Homer: [dejected] Forever... forever...
[edit] Summer of 4 Ft. 2 [7.25]
- Marge: Well, did you call one of your friends?
- Lisa: Hah! These are my only friends: grown up nerds like Gore Vidal, and even he's kissed more boys than I ever will.
- Marge: Girls, Lisa. Boys kiss girls.
- [Homer walks up to the counter in a convenience store]
- Homer: Yeah, um, give me one of those porno magazines, a large box of condoms, a bottle of Old Harper, a box of panty shields... [rapid undertone] and some illegal fireworks... [normal voice] and one of those disposable enemas. You know what, make it two.
- Owner: My apologies sir, but the sale of fireworks is strictly prohibited in this state and is punishable by- [the only other customer in the store walks out the door] follow me.
- Erin: So, you like hanging out?
- Lisa: Well, it beats doin' stuff.
- Erin: Totally. Stuff sucks.
