The Simpsons/Season 2

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The Simpsons Season 2

Bart Gets an F[edit]

Krabappel: Your grades have gotten steadily worse since the beginning of the term. Are you aware of that?
Bart: Yes, ma'am.
Krabappel: Are you aware that there is a major exam tomorrow on colonial America?
Bart: Yes, ma'am.
Krabappel: Blablahblblah blahblahblablahblah?
Bart: Yes, ma'am.
Krabappel: Blahblah blahblablablahBLABLAH..?
Bart: Yes, ma'am.
Krabappel: BART!! You haven't been paying attention to a word I said, have you?
Bart: Yes, ma'am.
Krabappel: Well then, what did I say?
Bart: Uuhhhh.... "Straighten up and fly right?"
Krabappel: Ptch—that was a lucky guess!

Otto: Hey, Bart Dude! Woah, you look freaked!
Bart: Hey, Otto, man; I have a test today that I am not ready for! Could you please crash the bus or something?
Otto: Sorry, Bart Dude. Can't do it on purpose. But, hey, maybe you'll get lucky!
Bart: [to himself] Alright. No need to panic. Just find an egghead, pump up for some answers, and boom, I'm back on Easy Street.
[Bart sees Sherri and Terri in the distance. Grinning, he makes his way over to them.]
Terri: Look at him. I'll bet he didn't study again!
Sherri: And now he's gonna try and kiss up and get answers from us.
Terri: He's pathetic!
Bart: Good morning, girls!
Sherri and Terri: Good morning, Bart.
Bart: Say, who's up for a little cram session? I'll go first. What was the name of the Pilgrims' boat?
Sherri: The Spirit of St. Louis.
Bart: And where'd they land?
Terri: Sunny Acapulco.
Bart: And why'd they leave England?
Sherri: Giant rats.
Bart: [writing down the information in a notebook] Cool, history's coming alive!
[The bus arrives at Springfield Elementary. As the students disembark, Sherri and Terri giggle softly at their trick, Martin Prince approaches Bart.]
Martin: As a natural enemy, I don't know why I should care, but the information regarding America's colonial period you received is erroneous.
Bart: Meaning....
Martin: A blindfolded chimp with a pencil in his teeth has a better chance of passing this test than you do.
Bart: Thanks for the pep talk...

Simpson and Delilah[edit]

Karl: You don't belong here.
Homer: Huh?
Karl: YOU don't belong here. You're a fraud, and a phoney, and it's only a matter of time till they found you out.
Homer: [gasp!] Who told you?
Karl: You did. You told me that the way you slump your shoulders, the.. the way you talk into your chest, the way you smother yourself in bargain basement green polyester. [grabs his hands] I want you to say to yourself, "I deserve this. I love it. I am nature's greatest miracle!" Go ahead, say it.
Homer: I— I—
Karl: Trust me, Homer!
Homer: I....
Karl: Take a step and say it!
Homer: I.. deserve this.
Karl: Louder!!
Homer: I DESERVE THIS!!
Karl: SHOUT IT!!!
Homer: I AM NATURE'S GREATEST MIRACLE!!!!!
Karl: I'll need three weeks vacation in moving expenses.
Homer: YOU GOT IT, BUDDY!!

[Mr. Burns and Smithers study security camera footage.]
Mr. Burns: Morons. Pathetic morons in my employ, stealing my precious money. This is hopeless. None of these cretins deserves a promotion.
Smithers: Well, it’s in the union contract, sir. One token promotion from within per year.
Mr. Burns: Wait! Who is that young go-getter?
[He points at a monitor with Homer on it with hair.]
Smithers: Well, it sort of looks like [chuckles] Homer Simpson, only more dynamic and resourceful.
Mr. Burns: Simpson, huh? Hmm. An unspoiled lump of clay to mold in my own image. Our new junior executive. Bring him to me!
Smithers:[on the intercom] Attention Homer Simpson, you have been promoted. You are now an executive. Take three minutes to say good-bye to your former friend and report to room 503 for reassignment to a better life.

Treehouse of Horror[edit]

Narrator: Quoth the raven-
Bart: Eat my shorts!
Lisa: Bart, stop it! He says "Nevermore." And that's all he'll ever say.
Bart: Okay, okay.

[Homer is getting more and more angry at The Raven-Bart.]
Homer: "Be that word our sign of parting, bird or fiend!"
Narrator: I shrieked, upstarting --
Homer: "Get thee back into the tempest and the Night's Plutonian shore! Leave no black plume as a token of that lie thy soul hasspoken! Leave my loneliness unbroken! -- quit the bust above my door! Take thy beak from out my heart, and take thy form from off my door!"
Narrator: Quoth the Raven
Bart/Raven: "Nevermore."
Homer: [trying to stay calm] "Take thy beak from out my heart, and take thy form from off my door!"
Narrator: Quoth the Raven
Bart/Raven: "Nevermore."
Homer: Why you little...!
Bart/Raven: Uh-oh!

Two Cars in Every Garage and Three Eyes on Every Fish[edit]

[As Bart and Lisa quietly fish, journalist Dave Shutton approaches them.]
Dave Shutton: So, caught anything?
Lisa: Not yet, sir.
Dave Shutton: What are you using for bait?
Lisa: My brother is using worms, but I, who feel the tranquility far outweighs the actual catching of fish, am using nothing.
Dave Shutton: I see. What's your name, son?
Bart: I'm Bart Simpson. Who the hell are you?
Dave Shutton: (chuckling) I'm Dave Shutton, an investigative reporter who's on the road a lot. And I must say that in my day, we didn't speak that way to our elders!
Bart: Well this is my day, and we do, sir.

Mr. Burns: Have you, uh, found any dirt on Mary Bailey?
Garbologist: Well, we've gone through her garbage.
Mudslinger: We've talked to her maid.
Garbologist: And so far, the only negative thing we have found is from some guy who dated her when she was 16.
Mr. Burns: Ahh! And?
Muckraker: He, uh... He felt her up.
Mr. Burns: Bah! Not good enough!

Mr. Burns: How much could it.. possibly cost to... fix this place up?
Smithers: [calculates] Hmm, approximately $56 million, sir.
Mr. Burns: 56 MILLION!!!?
Smithers: Don't hit me, sir!

Mr. Burns: Ironic, isn't it Smithers. This anonymous clan of slack-jawed troglodytes has cost me the election, and yet if I were to have them killed, I would be the one to go to jail. That's democracy for you!
Smithers: You are noble and poetic in defeat, sir.

Dancin' Homer[edit]

Barney: So, Homer, what happened in Capital City?
Homer: Oh, Barney.
Moe: C'mon, Homer. We're dyin' of curiosity.
Homer: Look, there's only one thing worse than being a loser. It's being one of those guys that sits in a bar, telling the story of how he became a loser, and I never want that to happen to me.

Bart: Hey, Dad, look! You're on Gumbo Vision!
Homer: WOW! [stands, waving to crowds] Hey, everybody! [Bart does 2 fingers behind Homer's head] How ya doin'? [blocks Bart's face] Look at me! I'm Homer Simpson! [laughs]
[Gumbo Vision lowers down to Homer's pants, audience laughs hysterically at Homer's unzipped zipper.]
Marge: Homer. Homer! XYZ.
Homer: Examine my zipper? Why? [looks down] Whoops! [turns quickly, zips pants up, Lisa covers eyes in embarrassment, Homer laughs, waving arm at screen] Thanks, everybody!

Dead Putting Society[edit]

Homer: All right, knock it off!
Ned Flanders: Knock what off, Simpson?
Homer: You've been rubbing it in my nose since I got here! Your family is better than my family, your beer comes from farther away than my beer, you and your son like each other, your wife's butt...
Ned: [gasps]
Homer: ...is higher than my wife's butt! You make me sick!
Ned: Simpson, I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to leave. I hope you understand!
Homer: I wouldn't stay on a bet!
Homer wolfs down nachos that Maude prepared
Homer: One for the road!

Lisa: Bart, having never received any words of encouragement myself, I'm not sure how they're supposed to sound, but here goes: I believe in you.
Bart: Thanks, man.

Bart vs. Thanksgiving[edit]

[Homer tries to watch a football game when he sees Bart smothering Lisa with a sofa cushion.]
Homer: Bart! Stop fighting with your sister!
Bart: Hey, man! She took my glue!
Lisa: It's not yours, Bart! [throws pillow & Bart off herself] This is family glue!
Homer: Stop it, you two! This is Thanksgiving, so glue friendly or I'll take your glue away and then nobody will have any glue to glue with!
Lisa: Dad, this isn't about glue. It's about territoriality. He only wants the glue because I'm using it.
Bart: Oh, yeah? Prove it.
Lisa: [hands Bart glue] Here.
Bart: Hey, man, I don't want your stupid glue. [throws bottle of glue away next to Maggie's bottle, both bottles look alike, Maggie is about to suck the glue bottle, Lisa quickly walks away with glue]

[Homer tries to light a log on fire and isn't successful.]
Grampa: That's no way to light a fire! Where's your kindling?
Homer: This thing's going to be roaring anytime now.
Selma: Even a caveman can start a fire.
Homer: D'oh!

Lisa: Bart, why did you burn my centerpiece?
Bart: Oh, come on.
Lisa: Is it because you hate me or is it because you're bad?
Bart: I don't know! I don't know why I did it; I don't know why I enjoyed it; and I don't know why I'll do it again!
Lisa: Just tell me you're sorry!
Bart: Why should I?!
Lisa: Bart, the only reason to apologize is if you look deep down inside yourself and you find a spot, something you wish wasn't there, because you feel bad you hurt your sister's feelings.
Bart: Leave me alone.
Lisa: Just look!
Bart: Ok, ok. Mmmhhuummmhmmmm. Lookin' for the spot. Nananana, still checking. This is so stupid, I'm not gonna find anything. Just 'cause I wrecked something she worked really hard on and I made her cr....uh-oh. [[puts hand on Lisa's shoulder] I'm sorry, Lisa.
Lisa: Apology accepted. [She kisses his cheek]
[Camera pans down at Homer who's in the bathroom listening]
Homer: You know, Marge, we're great parents.
Kitchen. Simpson family is in pajamas sitting down to a late-night dinner of leftovers. Clock reads 11:35.
Homer: Dear Lord, we thank you for giving this family one last crack at togetherness.
Simpson Family{in unison}: Amen.
Simpsons eat leftovers

Bart the Daredevil[edit]

Otto: [about Springfield Gorge] Hey, this thing's pretty gnarly. I bet you could throw a dead body in there, and no one would ever find it.
Bart: Otto, I'm going to leap over Springfield Gorge on my skateboard.
Otto: You know, Bart, as the only adult here, I feel I should say something.
Bart: What?
Otto: Cool!!

[Bart and Milhouse are at the Simpson house watching tv.]
Milhouse: Hey, that's my seat.
Bart: Correction, was your seat.
[Cut to Moe's Tavern]
Barney: But I only got up to go the the can!
Homer: Hey, I don't see your name engraved on this bar stool.

Itchy & Scratchy & Marge[edit]

[Marge is writing a letter to the producers of Itchy and Scratchy.]
Marge: Dear purveyors of senseless violence, I know this may sound silly at first, but I believe that the cartoons you show to our children are influencing their behavior in a negative way. Please try to tone down the psychotic violence in your otherwise fine programming. Yours truly, Marge Simpson.

Roger Meyers, Jr.: [in response to Marge's letter] Dear valued viewer, thank you for taking an interest in the Itchy & Scratchy program. Enclosed is a personally autographed photo of America's favorite cat-and-mouse team to add to your collection. In regards to your specific comments about the show, our research shows that one person cannot make a difference, no matter how big a screwball she is, so let me close by saying...
Marge: [reading the letter out loud] And the horse I rode in on? I'll show them what one screwball can do!

At Meyers Studios
Roger Meyers, Jr. {dictating from random letter}: I think your violent programming is despicable. From this day forward I will not watch your show, buy any of your products, or brake if I see you crossing the street.
Animator: Ooh, that one was cold.
Roger Meyers, Jr.: Gentlemen, we have a problem. Marge Simpson has made herself known. The screwballs of the world have united.
Outside the studio are a convoy of mail trucks delivering bagloads of hate mail.

Bart Gets Hit by a Car[edit]

Homer: He's awake!
Marge: Oh, Bart! We thought for a minute you'd gone away from us.
Bart: I did go away, Mom! I was miles and miles and miles away, writhing in agony in the pits of Hell! And you were there! And you and you and you. [to Lionel Hutz] You, I've never seen before.
Homer: Hey, yeah, who are you? I saw you chasing Bart's ambulance.
Lionel Hutz: Hutz is the name, Mr. Simpson. Lionel Hutz, attorney-at-law. Here's my card. It turns into a sponge when you put it in water.
Homer: Ooh, classy.

Judge Snyder: Hello, Bart. Now, you do understand the difference between telling the truth and telling a lie, don't you, son?
Bart: Maybe.
Judge Snyder: Uh-huh. Well, you wouldn't lie to the United States, would you, Bart?
Homer and Hutz: [prompting, whispering] No! No!
Bart: No.
[Bart proceeds to tell the jury his version of what happened and it brings everyone to tears. While the jury gives him sympathy, Marge and Lisa share disgusted looks for Hutz because they're the only ones in the courtroom still convinced that he made Bart lie.]

[After the first day in trial, Mr. Burns is clearly upset with his lawyers.]
Mr. Burns: THEY HATE ME! WHAT TRIAL WERE YOU WATCHING?!
Blue-Haired Lawyer: Maybe a settlement.
Mr. Burns: [furious] Oh, yes, SETTLEMENT, FINE! Hang your heads in shame, you overpriced, under-brained glorified notary publics! Just get that big ape to my house tonight and we'll pile off with a banana or two!
[Homer is infuriated when Mr. Burns insults him in another room.]

[While spying on Homer and Marge in the next room, Burns almost feels like he's having a panic attack when he hears Homer abrasively refusing his settlement.]
Homer: I'll tell you what I think. I think he thinks that I'm an idiot. The only reason he's offering us this is because he knows he's going to lose the trial and will have to pay us the coal million. $500,000, I spit at his $500,000.
[Homer attempts to spit at the offered check, but misses and hits a chair. While he tries to clean off the chair, Marge finally loses her patience with Homer's behavior and voices her opinion in wanting to accept the money.]
Marge: Homer, what's happened to you? All this greediness, lying, the shifty lawyers and the phony doctors.
Mr. Burns: [realizes Homer's been using a quack] Phony doctors, hello!
Marge: Do you know what I'd settle for if it were up to me? Bart's medical bills and an apology!
[Mr. Burns makes a timely reappearance and withdraws his offer. He then sends both Homer and Marge on their way out by releasing the hounds on them.]

Bailiff: Do you promise to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you God?
Marge: Mmm... Yes, I do.
Hutz: She sounded like she was taking that awful seriously.
Homer: [Cringes] D'oh, the truth.
[Mr. Burns' Lawyer walks up to an unprepared Marge.]
Blue-Haired Lawyer: Mrs. Simpson, does the name Julius Hibbert mean anything to you?
Marge: Yes, he's been our family physician and trusted friend ever since the day I became a mother. He's seen us through everything from colds to tempitigo all with competence, love and care.
Blue-Haired Lawyer: But, wait a minute, I'm confused. We just heard expert testimony from one Dr. Nick Riviera. What is your opinion on him?
[Marge becomes nervous and hesitant, which makes Mr. Burns' lawyer very impatient with her. Hutz looks concerned as everyone else peers behind him in suspicion after hearing Marge's testimony discrediting his claims of Dr. Riviera being the Simpsons' family physician by admitting to having Dr. Hibbert being their family physician.]
Blue-Haired Lawyer: Mrs. Simpson!
Marge: I'm sorry, but my mother always said if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all.
Homer: Will that hold up in court?
Hutz: [glumly admitting] No, I tried that before.

Blue-Haired Lawyer: Mrs. Simpson, what is your opinion on Dr. Riviera? And let me remind you that you're under oath!
Marge: [On Dr. Riviera] Well, to be honest, he seemed to be more concerned in wrapping Bart in bandages than making him feel better and he mispronounced words that even I know, like abdomen. And his office was dirty. Now that I think about it, I'm not sure that he's even a doctor.
Homer: [Feels betrayed by Marge's testimony, while Lisa who is holding Maggie, is proud of her for doing the right thing.] D'oh!
Blue-Haired Lawyer: And Mrs. Simpson, can you describe to us in your own words, Bart's intense mental anguish and suffering.
[Bart smiles, but Marge continues telling the truth.]
Marge: Well, I don't know how intense it was, but I guess he missed three days of school. Although he doesn't like school all that much, so that doesn't count as anguish. But it was a little hard on me having him around the house all the time.
[Bart frowns at Marge, also feels betrayed by her for testifying against both Hutz and Homer.]
Blue-Haired Lawyer: Could you put a dollar amount on all these hardships?
Marge: Well, we pay Bart $5 a week to take out the trash. I suppose if he'd been able to do it, we might have given him the $5.
Blue-Haired Lawyer: $5?! But your lawyer, assuming he is a lawyer, is asking for a million. Well, I guess we can't blame him for trying, can we? Thank you very much, Mrs. Simpson.
[Homer and Hutz are downbeat, while Mr. Burns chuckles in delight after hearing that Marge's honest testimony has destroyed their feeble attempt.]

Mr. Burns: I'm going to write a figure on this piece of paper. It's not quite as large as the last one, but I think you'll find it fair.
[He draws a giant zero on a paper and hands it to Homer and Hutz.]
Hutz: (realizes that he and Homer both lost the case) I think we should take it.

[At the Simpsons' house, a downbeat Homer blames Marge for testifying against Hutz and costing him a million dollars.]
Homer's Brain: A million dollars. My wife cost me a million dollars.
Marge: Homer, would you like some more macaroni and cheese?
Homer's Brain: Yeah, a million dollars worth, you treacherous snake woman.
Homer: No, thank you.
Marge: Some string beans?
Homer's Brain: No, I don't want any string beans either, you two-timing, backstabbing—Uh-oh. Better answer.
Homer: No, thank you.
Marge: Some celery with cream cheese on it?
Homer's Brain: Just mouth polite nothings.
Homer: No, thank you.
[Bart then breaks the silence by wishing to have won the case against Burns and won the $1 million. Marge is unhappy with his suggestion, after she did the right thing to stop the case from continuing.]
Marge: Bart, please.
[Bart continues anyway, but Homer excuses himself to Moe's unsure if he can ever return home to a wife who betrayed him by testifying for Burns.]

One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish[edit]

Master Chef: (hearing car horn) Ah, she's here. (to Toshiro) Cover for me.
(He leaves just as Akira enters)
Akira: One Fugu.
Toshiro: (gasps) No, not Fugu! If it is cut improperly, it's... it's...
Akira: Yes, yes, it is poisonous, potentially fatal. But if sliced properly, it can be quite tasty.
Toshiro: Uh... I must get Master.
(Toshiro heads out to the parking lot, where a car is parked. The Master Chef and Mrs. Krabappel are making out inside)
Master Chef: Oh, Mrs. Krabappel, your hair smells so... clean...
Toshiro: Master, you are needed in the kitchen.
Master Chef: (angrily) I said cover for me, damn it!
Toshiro: But Master, we need your skilled hands!
Master Chef: My skilled hands are busy! You do it!

Dr. Hibbert: Now, a little death anxiety is normal. You can expect to go through five stages. The first is denial.
Homer: No way, because I'm not dying!
Dr. Hibbert: Second is anger.
Homer: [furiously] Why you little... ! [shouts madly]
Dr. Hibbert: After that comes fear.
Homer: [worried] What's after fear? What's after fear?!
Dr. Hibbert: Bargaining.
Homer: Doc, you gotta get me outta this. I'll make it worth your while.
Dr. Hibbert: Finally acceptance.
Homer: Well, we all gotta go sometime.
Dr. Hibbert: Mr. Simpson, your progress astounds me.

Moe: Hello, Moe's Tavern. Birthplace of the Rob Roy.
Bart: Is Seymour there? Last name Butz.
Moe: Just a sec. Hey, is there a Butz here? Seymour Butz? Hey, everybody! I want a Seymour Butz! [the entire bar erupts in laughter at Moe] Wait a minute...Listen, you little scum-sucking pus-bucket! If I get my hands on you, I am gonna pull out your eye balls with a cork screw!
[Bart and Lisa laugh.]

After one last night of lovemaking with Marge, Homer goes downstairs. He listens to the Bible on tape until he slumps in the armchair seemingly lifeless. The following morning Marge awakens
Marge{shocked that she is alone in bed}: Homer? Homer!!
Marge goes downstairs and finds Homer in the armchair, thinking he has expired
Marge: Oh, Homer.
Marge looks closer at Homer and sees he is drooling
Marge: Wait a minute...drool...and it is warm...Homer, wake up!
Homer{groggy}: Huh? Marge, I died.
Marge: No Homer, you are alive!
Homer: You are right, I am alive. Woo hoo! From this day forward, I vow to live life to the fullest!
End credits are shown as Homer is back on the couch shlumpily eating pork rinds and watching bowling on TV

The Way We Was[edit]

Critic: Our next movie is "McBain", another shoot-em-up, push-em-through-the-plate-glass-window splatterfest from the Hollywood cookie cutter. Here's a typically brainless scene.
[show scene]
Captain: Senator Mendoza is one of the most respected citizens in the state, McBain. And yet, you ran his limo off a cliff, broke the necks of three of his bodyguards and drove a bus to his front door!?
McBain: But captain, I have proof that he's head of an international drug cartel!
Captain: I don't wanna hear it, McBain! You're outta here!
[McBain punches the captain out of the window and plummets into the fountain]
McBain: That makes two of us.

[The TV's image gets shaky during a movie review show]
Bart & Lisa [in unison]: AUGH!
Homer: Time for Dr. TV to perform a little surgery.
[Homer hits the TV, causing the shakiness to get worse]
Bart: Looks like you lost the patient, Doc.

Marge: You know, before we got married, we hardly ever watch television.
Bart: You lie!
Homer: BART!!
Marge: No, it's true, Bart. We used to shoot pool, and go dancing...
Lisa: How romantic!
Marge: In a lot of times, we'd stay at home and talk, just like this.
Bart: I'm livin' it, but I ain't lovin' it.
Lisa: So hard to picture you two then. Hand in hand at the crossroads of life — there's so many questions.
Marge: Pick one.
Lisa: Okay. Uhh... How did Dad propose to you?
Marge: Oh.. well....
[Flashback to 1980; Homer and Marge are in Dr. Hibbert's office]
Dr. Hibbert: Well, Miss Bouvier... I think we found the reason why you've been throwing up in the morning. Congratulations.
Homer: D'oh!!
[Returns to the present]
Marge: Lisa, I'd rather a different story how your father and I first met and fell in love.

[Principal Dondalinger catches Homer and Barney smoking in the bathroom]
Dondalinger: Well, well, well. If it isn't Homer Simpson and Barney Gumble, Springfield's answer to Cheech and Chong. Allow me, gentlemen. [grabs their cigarettes and tosses them in the toilet] You just bought yourselves three days of detention. You know where and when.
Homer and Barney: [in unison] Three o'clock, old building, room 106.

Artie: Our current speed limit is an anachronism.
Homer: [reading] "Ignoramus."
Artie: The fatuity— Will you shut up!?
Homer: Wait a minute! That word you keep calling me!?
Artie: "Ignoramus?"
Homer: Ignoramus? It means I'm stupid, doesn't it!?
Artie: There is a difference between ignorance and stupidity.
Homer: Not to me, there isn't, you..!
[After a brief exchange, the teacher, Mrs. Blumenstein calms Homer down]
Mrs. Blumenstein: Homer, would you like to present your rebuttal?
Homer: With pleasure.
[Homer turns around and moons the class; the class gasp in response. Cut to present]
Bart: Ay carumba!

Marge: Why so glum?
Homer: [sigh] I got a problem. Once you stop this car, I'm gonna hug you, and kiss you, and then I'll never be able to let you go.
[back to present]
Homer: And I never have.

Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment[edit]

[Everyone leaves Homer's house after the fight ends.]
Apu: Quite a donnybrook, eh, Mr. Burns?
Mr. Burns: Balderdash! Why, I once watched "Gentleman" Jim Corbett fight an Eskimo fellow bare-knuckled for a hundred and thirteen rounds! Of course, back then, if a fight lasted less than fifty rounds, we demanded our nickel back!

Marge: So kids what did you learn about today?
Bart: Hell.
Homer: BART!
Bart: What? That's what we learned about. I sure as hell can't say we learned about hell unless I can say hell, now can I?
Homer: Kid's got a point, Marge.
Bart: Hell yes!
Marge: Bart.
Bart: [sings] Hell, hell, hell, hell, hell.
Marge: Bart, you're no longer in Sunday School. Don't swear.

Principal Charming[edit]

Homer: Which one's Selma, again?
Marge: She's the one who likes Police Academy movies and Hummel figurines, and walking through the park on clear autumn days.
Homer: Oh, yeah yeah yeah. But I thought she was the one that didn't like to be... you know... touched.
Marge: It's Patty who chose a life of celibacy. Selma simply had celibacy thrust upon her.

[Bart prank calls Moe's from Principal Skinner's office.]
Bart: Hello? Is Homer there?
Moe: Homer who?
Bart: Homer… [making sure Skinner's not looking and lowers voice] …Sexual.
Moe: Wait one sec. Let me check. Uh, Homer Sexual? Uh, come on. Come on. One of you guys has gotta be Homer Sexual.
[The entire bar, including Homer laughs at Moe.]
Homer: Don't look at me!
Moe: Oh no. You rotten little punk! If I ever get a hold of you, I'll sink my teeth into your cheek and rip ya face off!

Skinner: Bart, I'm flabbergasted. Truly you knew is you were writing own your name in 40-foot high letters in the field that you would be caught.
Bart: Maybe it was one of the other Barts, sir.
Skinner: THERE ARE _NO_ OTHER BARTS!!!!
Bart: Uh-oh.

Homer: Principal Skinner, allow me to introduce to my wife's lovely—and available—sister, Selma.
Patty: You bozo, I'm Patty!
Homer: WHAT!!?
Skinner: Pat... ty...
Homer: D'oh!! Wrong one!
[Skinner is immediately smitten by Patty.]

Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?[edit]

Grampa: Pull your chair closer, my son.
Homer: What is it, Dad?
Grampa: Pee-yoo! Not that close! Sheesh. Homer, that heart attack made me realize that I'm going to die someday.
Homer: Oh, Dad, you and your imagination.

[The family says farewell to Herb.]
Homer: Gee, Herb, because of me, you lost your business, your home and all your possessions. I can't help but think that maybe you'd have been better off if I'd never come into your life.
Herb: Maybe I would have been better off? Maybe?!! Why, you sponge head! Of course I'd have been better off! As far as I'm concerned, I have no brother!!!
[Herb pulls away in a bus headed out of town.]
Marge: [consoles Homer] Hmm. Maybe he just said that to make conversation.
Lisa: His life was an unbridled success, until he found out...he was a Simpson.

Lisa: A long lost half-brother, how Dickensian!
Bart: So, any idea where this bastard lives?
Homer: BART!
Bart: His parents aren't married are they? It's the correct word, isn't it?
Homer: I guess he's got us there.
Marge: Hrrrmmm...
Bart: Bastard, bastard, bastard, bastard, bastard, bastard, bastard, bastard, bastard!
Marge: Bart!
Homer: Bart! BAART!

Bart's Dog Gets an F[edit]

Bart: No way, she's faking! If Lisa stays home, I stay home.
Lisa: If Bart stays home, I'm going to school.
Bart: Fine, then... Wait a minute... If Lisa goes to school, then I go to school, but then Lisa stays home, so I stay home, so Lisa goes to school...
Marge: Lisa, don't confuse your brother like that.

Mrs. Winthrop: [very sweetly] Most of you know that with a little love and compassion, any puppy can grow up to be a cuddly little bundle of joy. [suddenly angry] STUFF AND NONSENSE taught by charlatans and learned by bloody twits! Let me tell you the two most important words you will ever hear in your life - "choke chain!" [She puts the chain around Santa's Little Helper's neck.] You raise a dog the same way you would raise a child: with simple, authoritative commands. LAY DOWN! [Santa's Little Helper doesn't respond] Followed by immediate correction! [She tugs the chain. Santa's Little Helper yelps and collapses on the ground.]
Martin: How can we tell if we're doing this maneuver effectively?
Mrs. Winthrop: The dog's eyes will bulge and his tongue will protrude and change color ever so slightly.
Bart: Is my dog dead, Ma'am?
Mrs. Winthrop: [laughing] You don't know how often I'm asked that! "Choke chain" is a misnomer. Trust me, they are always breathing.

Emily Winthrop's office
Bart: May I come in?
Mrs. Winthrop motions for Bart to enter with Santa's Little Helper
Bart: Look Mrs. Winthrop, I figured, um, since you are paid both ways, why not just pass Santa's Little Helper.
Mrs. Winthrop: Oh, I see. Rubber stamp on it, thank you very much, next in line!
Bart: Yup!
Mrs. Winthrop{resigned}: Heavens to Murgatroyd! Bart, perhaps I hang on to the old ways like a well-chewed shoe as the traditions I was raised on are either neutered or put to sleep, one by one.
Mrs. Winthrop{firm}: But my time has not yet passed! The world does not need yet another college graduate who does not know how to sit!
Santa's Little Helper fails to respond
Mrs Winthrop: Pull the chain.
Bart: What?
Mrs Winthrop: Correct the dog!
Bart: I don't wanna suffocate my dog-
Mrs Winthrop: PULL THE BLOODY CHAIN, BOY!

Old Money[edit]

Marge: You know, we'll be old someday.
Homer: Gasp! My God, you're right, Marge! You kids wouldn't put me in a home like I did to my dad, would you?
Bart: Well...
Homer: Aaah!

[At Bea's funeral]
Homer: I can't tell you how sorry I am dad.
Grandpa: [sarcastically] Is someone talking to me? I didn't hear anything!
Homer: Oh, no! Dad's lost his hearing!
Grandpa: [Angily] No you idiot! I'm ignoring you! You made me miss the last precious moment of Bea's life! I'll never speak to you again! [tears of his coat in anger and saddness] I HAVE NO SON!!! [Homer is saddened by this]

Grandpa: Well, I was wondering if you and I you know, might go to the same place at the same time and... Jeez! You'd think this would get easier with time!

Brush with Greatness[edit]

Mr. Burns: [offscreen] SMITHERS! I WANT MY TEA!
Marge: [to Smithers] Doesn't it bother you that he orders you around like that?
Smithers: [chuckles] Actually, I value every second we're together. From the moment I squeeze his orange juice in the morning, till I tuck him in at night. He's not just my boss, he's my best friend too.
[Burns enters; Smithers gives him the tea.]
Burns: [sipping] Bah! Too hot! [throws it on Smithers]
Smithers: Right, sir. It's... scalding me as we speak.

[Somewhere in Liverpool.]
Ringo Starr: Dear Sally, in response to your letter of December the 12th, 1966, me favorite color is blue, and me real first name is Richard. Thanks for the snapshot, you're a real cute bird. Love, Ringo. P.S. Forgive the lateness of my reply.
Weatherby: Mr. Starr, tea and crumpets.
Ringo: Just set it over there.
Weatherby: Sir, if you'll forgive an old Brit his impertinence, your devotion to your fans is nothing short of remarkable.
Ringo: Well, Weatherby, they took the time to write me, and I don't care if it takes me another 20 years. I'm going to answer every one of them. [picks up a large envelope] Hello, what's this? From Springfield, U.S.A. [sees painting of him] Gear!

Lisa's Substitute[edit]

Mr. Bergstrom [reading Charlotte's Web]: "Nobody of the hundreds of people that visited the fair knew that a grey spider had played the most important part of all. No one was with her when she died."

Bart: And here's comes Snowball II. This is the one we kept.
All: EWWW!!
Bart: We were gonna keep the grey one, but the mother ate her.
All: EWWWW!!!
Martin: Mrs. Krabappel, he's traumatizing the children!
Krabappel: As usual, I agree with you, Martin. Bart, shut that off and take your seat immediately!
Bart: Oh look, this is really cool. When I hit reverse, I can make 'em go back in!
All: AAAHHHHHH!!!!

Lisa: I'm glad I'm not crying. Because I would hate for you to think that what I'm about to say is based on emotion. But YOU, sir, are a baboon!
Homer: (gasp!) Me?
Lisa: Yes, you!! BABOON, BABOON, BABOON, BABOON!!!
Homer: I don't think you realize what you're saying...
Lisa: BABOOOONNN!!!! [leaves in tears]

Mr. Bergstrom: Lisa, your homework is always so neat. How can I put this? Does your father help you with it?
Lisa: No. Homework's not my father's specialty.
Mr. Bergstrom: Well there's no shame in it, I mean, my dad--
Lisa: Not mine.
Mr. Bergstrom: You didn't let me finish--
Lisa: Unless the next word was "burped", you didn't have to.

Homer: What are you so mopey about?!
Lisa: Nothing.
Marge: Lisa, tell your father.
Lisa: Mr. Bergstrom left today.
Homer: [uninterested] Oh?
Lisa: He's gone. Forever.
Homer: And?
Lisa: I didn't think you'd understand.
Homer: Hey! Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand!

The War of the Simpsons[edit]

[Homer is passed out on the floor as everyone leaves Marge's party.]
Dr. Hibbert: If you want him to live through the night, I suggest you roll him onto his stomach.
Marge: Thank you, Doctor.
Dr. Hibbert: Remember, I said "if."

(Homer is explaining to Bart in his room about his drunken behavior)
Homer: About last night. You might have noticed Daddy acting a little strange and you probably don't understand why.
Bart: I understand why. You were wasted.
Homer: I admit it. I didn't know when to say "when." I'm sorry it happened and I just hope you didn't lose a lot of respect for me.
Bart: Dad, I have as much respect for you as I ever did or ever will.

(after the party, as Marge is prying a drunk Homer off the floor)
Marge (angrily): I have never been so embarrassed in all my life!
Homer (half-drunkenly): Why, what'd ya do?

Three Men and a Comic Book[edit]

Comic Book Guy: Tell you what. I'm gonna show you something very special if you promise to put your grubby little hands behind your back and keep 'em there. [opens a metal suitcase] Behold!
Bart: Wow! Radioactive Man #1!
Comic Book Guy: None other!
Bart: It must be worth a million bucks...
Comic Book Guy: It is, my lad. But I'll let you have it for $100, because you remind me of me.

Marge: Maybe a part-time job is the answer.
Bart: Oh, Mom, I couldn't ask you to do that. You're already taking care of Maggie and Lisa is such a handful.
Lisa: She means you should get a job, stupid!
Bart: Me? [Daniel Stern's voice, à la The Wonder Years] Get a job? Were they serious? [The Byrds' "Turn! Turn! Turn!" begins to play.] I didn't realize it at the time, but a little piece of my childhood had slipped away, forever.
Homer: Bart! What are you staring at?
Bart: Uh, nothing. [Daniel Stern continues] He didn't say it, and neither did I, but at that moment, my dad and I were closer than we ever–
Homer: Bart! Stop it!
Bart: Sorry. ["To everything, turn..."]

(Homer comes home to find Bart selling beer to raise money for the rare Radioactive Man comic)
Bart: Wuh-oh.
Homer: Hey, what's all the – aagh! My beer! My beer! My beautiful beer!

Bart: [grumbles] Moon pies my butt, somebody oughtta moon pie her.
Homer: What's the problem, boy?
Bart: I've been bustin my hump all week for that withered old clam and all I got was 50 cents.
Homer: Hey, when I was your age 50 cents was a lot of money.
Bart: Really?
Homer: Nah.
Bart: Dad, I've done everything I could and I've only got 35 bucks! Ughh! I am through with working, working is for chumps.
Homer: [sits up, pats Bart's head] Son, I'm proud of you. I was twice your age before I figured that out.

Bart: [as he stares at the Radioactive Man comic in the store window] Last night, I dreamed I held you in my arms.

Blood Feud[edit]

Mayor Quimby: Chief Wiggum, Archbishop McGee, distinguished guests, I am pleased to dedicate this emergency warning system. In the off-chance of a nuclear disaster, this sign will tell you, the good citizens of Springfield, what to do!
[sign lights up]
Sign: RELAX. EVERYTHING IS FINE.
Crowd: Ooh!
Strong applause
Sign: MINOR LEAK. ROLL UP WINDOWS.
Crowd: Oh.
Moderate applause
Sign: MELTDOWN. FLEE CITY.
Weak applause
Sign: CORE EXPLOSION. REPENT SINS.
Entire crowd starts in stunned silence, save for Carl, Homer and Lenny, who snicker at that sign
Homer{chuckling}: Joke's on them. If the core exploded, there would not even be any power to light that sign!

[After the Simpsons receive a large idol head of Xtapolapocetl, the Olmec god of war, as a reward from Burns. Simpsons creator Matt Groening comments that this dialogue sums up the whole show.]
Marge: The moral of this story is a good deed is its own reward.
Bart: Hey, we got a reward. The head is cool!
Marge: Well then... I guess the moral is no good deed goes unrewarded.
Homer: Wait a minute! If I hadn't written that nasty letter, we wouldn't have gotten anything!
Marge: Well... then I guess the moral is the squeaky wheel gets the grease.
Lisa: Perhaps there is no moral to this story.
Homer: Exactly! It's just a bunch of stuff that happened.
Marge: But it certainly was a memorable few days.
Homer: Amen to that!
[The family laughs] [1]

Homer: Hello. My name is Mr. Burns. I believe you have a letter for me.
Post Office Clerk: Okay, Mr. Burns... Uh, what's your first name?
Homer: ......I don't know.

Notes

  • Note 1. ^ This piece of dialogue was present in the Victorian Certificate of Education's 2004 GAT (General Achievement Test) sat by all students in Victoria, Australia completing their final years of school. The dialogue was part of a multiple choice question asking for analysis of the piece. It can be found online (page 10-11).