The Simpsons/Season 9

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The Simpsons (season 9)

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[edit] The City of New York vs. Homer Simpson [9.01]

Moe: [as Homer, Barney, Lenny, Carl, and the 2 barflies (Larry the Wife Dodger and Sam the Ear Bender) walk in] Yeah, alright, listen up guys, the Springfield Police have told me that 91% of all traffic accidents are caused by you six guys.

[Moe's regulars exchange high-fives and cheer in triumph.]

Moe: Yeah, I know, I know, but the bad news is we gotta start having Designated Drivers. [the regulars moan and groan] We'll choose the same way they pick the Pope... [sets a giant glass jar with pickled eggs floating in it on the table] Everybody reach in and draw a pickled egg; whoever gets the black egg stays sober tonight.

Homer: New York is a hellhole. And you know how I feel about hellholes!

Lisa: Dad, you can't judge a place you've never been to.

Bart: Yeah, that's what people do in Russia.

[edit] The Principal and the Pauper [9.02]

Lisa: A rose by any other name would smell as sweet.

Bart: Not if you called 'em stench blossoms.

Homer: Or crapweeds.

Marge: I'd sure hate to get a dozen crapweeds for Valentine's Day. I'd rather have candy.

Homer: Not if they were called scumdrops.

Skinner: The judge offered me a choice: jail, the army, or apologize to the judge and old lady. Of course, if I knew there was a war going on, I probably would have apologized.

[edit] Lisa's Sax [9.03]

[The "All in the Family" opening:]

Homer: Boy, the way the Bee Gees played...

Marge: Movies John Travolta made...

Homer: Guessing how much Elvis weighed...

Homer & Marge: Those were the days!

Marge: And you knew where you were then...

Homer: Watching shows like "Gentle Ben"...

Homer & Marge: Mister, we could use a man like Sheriff Lobo again!

Homer: "Disco Duck" and Fleetwood Mac...

Marge: Coming out of my eight-track...

Homer & Marge: Michael Jackson still was black...Those were the daaayyyys!

Homer: Now son, on your first day of school, I'd like to pass along the words of advice my father gave me. [thinking what Grandpa told him]

Young Grandpa: Homer, you're as dumb as a mule and twice as ugly. If a strange man offers you a ride, I say take it!

Homer: Lousy traumatic childhood.

[edit] Treehouse of Horror VIII [9.04]

[The French neutron bomb nearly hits Kang and Kodos' ship]

Kodos: What the hell was that?!

Kang: (speaking into microphone) Calling home planet! This is Kang reporting a cigar-shaped object moving at tremendous speed!

Superior Rigellian: (on Rigel VII) Suuuure, Kang, I'm writing it all down.

[He and his fellow superiors laugh amongst themselves]

Mayor Quimby: You are all hereby found guilty of the crime of witchcraft. I sentence you hags to be burned at the stake until you are deemed fit to re-enter society.

[edit] The Cartridge Family [9.05]

Gun Shop Owner: Let's take a look at your background check. It says here you were in a mental hospital...

Homer: Yeah.

Gun Shop Owner: ...frequent problems with alcohol...

Homer: Oh Ho Ho Heh yeah.

Gun Shop Owner: ... beat up President Bush.

Homer: Former president. [cuffs his hands] And I would've done it again... [the gun shop owner stamps Homer's forms] "Potentially dangerous"?!

Gun Shop Owner: Relax. It just limits you to three handguns or less.

Homer: Woohoo!

Homer: [muttering] Lousy big shot, thinks he's so big 'cause he's got a lot of guns, if he didn't have any guns I'd show him a thing or two...[at home, pacing the hallway in front of Lisa's bedroom]

Homer: ...let's see him walk into my store and then we'll see who's worried about five-day waiting periods...

Lisa: Dad, it's 3:00 AM. Cant you mutter in your room?

Homer: Marge kicked me out.

Lisa: All right, go ahead.

Homer:Pushy kids think they can tell me what to do in my house, Why, I tell you these parents these days they don't know how to rear children...

[edit] Bart Star [9.06]

Homer: Hello, son. I wanna apologize. I just got so caught up trying to encourage you I was blinded to your stinky performance. If you forgive me I promise I'll never encourage you again.

Nelson's Father: Good game, son. We're going to celebrate at Hooters

Nelson: Ah... I don't wanna bother mom at work.

[edit] The Two Mrs. Nahasapeemapetilons [9.07]

Apu: Is it just me or do all of your plans involve some horrible web of lies?

Homer: It's you.

Grampa: baloney you came here to put me in a home.

Homer: You're already in a home.

Grampa: Oh how could you!

[edit] Lisa the Skeptic [9.08]

Lisa: Mr. Gould, I came to you to see about the angel nonsense.

Stephen Jay Gould: I agree. The whole thing is preposterous.

Lisa: I chipped off a piece of the angel's skeleton. I must warn you that I cannot pay much.

Stephen Gould: Lisa, I did not become a scientist for financial gain! Whatever little money you have will suffice.

Simpson residence

Lisa: In a moment you will all learn the truth about what this creature really is. Ah, and here comes Stephen Jay Gould with the test results.

Stephen Gould runs excitedly

Lisa: Mr. Gould, please tell them the results.

Stephen Gould: The results were...inconclusive!

Lisa groans

Lisa: Then why were running to our house in such an excited state?

Stephen Gould: May I use your bathroom?

Judge: Lisa Simpson, you are charged with destruction of an historic curiosity--a misdemeanor. But in a larger sense, this trial will settle the age-old question of science versus religion. Let the opening statements commence.

Prosecuting lawyer: Your Honor, over the coming weeks, and months, we intend to prove Lisa Simpson willfully destroyed--

Lenny: [points to window] There's the angel!

(Murmuring)

(The courtroom empties)

Judge: I find the defendant not guilty. As for Science versus Religion, I'm issuing a restraining order. Religion must stay 500 yards from Science at all times.

[edit] Realty Bites [9.09]

[Bart and Lisa have come up with a song to help Marge study for her realtor's license and are singing it to Homer]

Bart Lisa and Marge: Oh, on the closing day, the escrow agents pay, taxes, liens and interest too, thanks to Fannie Mae!

Bart: They back your baaaaank!

Homer You're all nuts.

Lionel Hutz: We've been getting a lot of calls about you, Marge. People love your hands-off approach!

Marge: Well, it's like we say: the right house for the right person.

Lionel Hutz: Yeah, about that... "the right house" is the one that's for sale; the "right person" is anybody.

Marge: Mr. Hutz! You're not suggesting that I bend the truth!

Lionel Hutz: Marge, there's "the truth" (frowns) and there's "the truth!" (smiles wide). Just take a look at some of our properties.

Marge: That house is tiny.

Lionel Hutz: We prefer to say "cozy".

Marge: That house is dilapidated.

Lionel Hutz: "Handyman's dream".

Marge: That house is on fire!

Lionel Hutz: "Motivated seller".

[edit] Miracle on Evergreen Terrace [9.10]

(After finding out that the Simpsons Christmas tree was burned and buried in the snow and Bart lied about the burglar taking everything)

Moe: [disillusioned] So this was all a scam. And on Christmas.

Barney: Yeah. Jesus must be spinning in his grave!

(Marge reads a hate letter from the pile on the kitchen table)

Marge: "You'll all get yours in Hell, you lying thieving..." (hesitates): "blanking blankers. Sincerely, Moe."

Homer: Oh, great, we have to write him a thank-you card, too.

Marge: Homer, I know you're used to getting hate mail, but I'm not.

[edit] All Singing, All Dancing [9.11]

Marge: We got the popcorn. Did you get Waiting to Exhale?

Homer: Well, they put us on the Waiting to Exhale waiting list, but they said don't hold your breath.

Snake: [singing] A singing family, it's worse than I feared... for hostage purposes, you're just too weird! Bye!

[edit] Bart Carny [9.12]

Cooder: [Explaining the ring toss booth] The main thing is to bring in the rubes.

Spud: Do whatever it takes. Sweet talk, insults, slang from the '30s that no one uses anymore.

Bart: Like "rubes"?

Spud: Now you're on the trolley.

Nelson: You wrecked Hitler's car! What did he ever do to you?

[edit] The Joy of Sect [9.13]

Marge: I've never heard of these Movementarians; are they some kind of church?

Homer: Who cares what it is? The point is that these are some decent generous people that I can take advantage of.

Marge: But what if they try to talk us into something?

Homer: Marge, Marge, Marge [chuckles]. Remember when those smooth-talking guys tried to sell me a time-share vacation condo?

Marge: You bought four of them! Thank God the check bounced.

Homer: So I beat the system.

Lisa: Watch yourself, Dad. You're the highly suggestible type.

Homer: Yes, I am the highly suggestible type.

Movementarian woman: Would you rather have beer or complete and utter contentment?

Homer: What kind of beer?

Movementarian man: The Leader knows how miserable you, Marge, Lisa, Bart and Maggie are.

Homer: Really? I'm surprised about Maggie.

[edit] Das Bus [9.14]

Lisa: Point of order, if we want to learn anything, we must respect--

Bart: Point of "odor," Lisa stinks.

(children laugh)

Sherri/Terri: Hey, leave her alone.

Nelson: You leave her alone.

(children are all shouting at each other)

Ralph: [singing] O, Canada!

{Principal Skinner restores order by banging his shoe on the desk}

Principal Skinner: Order, order! Do you kids want to be like the real U.N., or do you just want to squabble and waste time?

Nelson: [taking an orange out of the cooler) Hey Simpson, race ya!

Bart: [taking an apple out] First one to the front of the bus gets Martin's lunch money!

Martin: Wha?

[The two put their fruits on the floor of the bus, beginning to roll to the front]

Bart: Go Apple!

Nelson: Go Orange!

(Ralph puts a banana, which does not roll, on the floor)

Ralph: Go Banana!

[edit] The Last Temptation of Krust [9.15]

Krusty: Uh-huh. Charity, eh? What's my cut? Nothing? I make more than that takin' a "schwitz."

Jay Leno: He seems reluctant.

Bart: Tell him it will count towards his community service.

Krusty: Uh-huh. Uh-huh. All right, I'll do it. [groans] Boy, swipe one pair of Haggar slacks and you're payin' for it the rest of your life.

Moe is presenting Krusty's return to comedy

Moe: Hi, how're you folks doin'? I'm Moe, or as the ladies like to call me,"hey you, behind the bushes". [the audience doesn't respond]; [Moe taps on the microphone] Is this thing on?

Barney: No. Sorry, Moe. [Turns on the microphone]

[edit] Dumbbell Indemnity [9.16]

Homer: Why don't you sell your car?

Moe: Ah, my car ain't worth nothing, but it is insured for five grand. Homer, you gotta steal the car for me and wreck it.

Homer: Steal your car? I can just imagine what Marge would say.

Marge: [in thought balloon] Homer, I insist you steal that car!

Homer: I'll do it!

Homer: (scooting a cart of book to Moe's Tavern with his right leg) Must kill Moe! (holds onto the cart, riding along happily) WHHEEEEE!!! (goes back to scooting) Must kill Moe...! (holds again) WHHEEEEE!!!

[edit] Lisa the Simpson [9.17]

Grampa: (about Lisa) Aw, she's just upset 'cause I told her her brain's turnin' to mush. On accout of the Simpson Gene!

Marge: "Simpson Gene?" That's just foolishness!

Grampa: Nope. Baldness, too!

Grampa: Your dad used to be smart as a monkey, but then his mind started gettin' lazy, and now he's dumb as a chimp! And Bart used to be as smart as a chimp and now he's as dumb as a monkey.

[edit] This Little Wiggy [9.18]

(Lisa's model rocket flies into Mr. Burns's office at the nuclear plant)

Mr. Burns: Smithers! There's a rocket in my pocket!

Smithers (suggestively): You don't have to tell me, sir.

Bart: Your dad is chief of police, doesn't he have any cool police stuff?

Ralph: Just in his closet, but he said I'm not allowed to go in there.

Bart: Did he say I'm not allowed to go in there?

Ralph: Yes.

[edit] Simpson Tide [9.19]

Captain Tenille: I'm a man of few words. [long pause] Any questions?

Homer: Is a poop deck really what I think it is?

Captain Tenille: [chuckles] I like the cut of your jib.

Homer: What's a jib?

Captain Tenille: [laughs] Promote that man.

Captain Tenille: Tell me young man, what do you want out of life?.

Homer: [straining to reach the peas on the table] I want peeeas...

Captain Tenille: Oh, we all want peace! But it's always just out of reach. [Homer groans and sits back in his chair] So, what's the best way to get peace?.

Homer: [reaching out and picking up peas on his knife] With a knife.

Captain Tenille: Exactly! Not with the olive branch but the bayonet! Ah, Simpson, you're like the son I never had.

Homer: And you're like the father I never visit.

[edit] The Trouble with Trillions [9.20]

(Scrambling to complete his taxes)

Homer: Marge, how many kids do we have? Oh, no time to count, I'll just estimate! Uh . . . nine!

Marge:Homer, you know we don't have--

Homer: Shut up! Shut up! If I don't hear you, it's not illegal! Okay I need some deductions. Deductions... Oh, business gifts! (hands Marge the sailboat painting from above the couch) Here you go, keep using nuclear power.

Marge: Homer, I painted that for you.

Homer: Okay, Marge, if anyone asks, you require twenty-four hour nursing care, Lisa's a clergyman, Maggie is seven people, and Bart was wounded in Vietnam!

Bart: Cool!

Agent Johnson: We believe Burns still has that bill hidden somewhere in his house, but all we've ascertained from satellite photos is that it's not on the roof.

[edit] Girly Edition [9.21]

Store Clerk: May I inquire as to how you are differently abled?

Homer: Oh, I'm not handicapped. I'm just lazy.

(Bart has aired a segment of "Bart's People" featuring the man that fed the ducks, but they left to the other side of the pond)

Mr. Burns: (sniffling) Smithers, do you think maybe my power plant killed those ducks?

Smithers: There's no maybe about it, sir.

Mr. Burns: Excellent.

[edit] Trash of the Titans [9.22]

Homer: This is a very, very proud day for us! Especially me, your father, me, beat City Hall! It's just like David and Goliath, only this time, David won!

Homer calmly enters his office with a briefcase, where he is greeted by a bunch of angry sanitation workers

Garbageman #1: Where are our paychecks, you bum?

Head Garbageman: My men ain't working one more minute until we get paid.

Homer unhinges briefcase to reveal stacks of money

Homer: Will cash do?

Head Garbageman: Will it ever!

Mayor Quimby barges into Homer's office

Mayor Quimby: Did I just hear a briefcase opening?

[edit] King of the Hill [9.23]

Rainier Wolfcastle: McBain to base! Under attack by Commie-Nazis!

[As Marge uses a telescope to look up at the mountain Homer just climbed]

Marge: Is that your wallet?

Homer: D'OH!!!

[edit] Lost Our Lisa [9.24]

(as Homer and Lisa are breaking into the Springfield Museum)

Homer: Lisa, could you get the window? The police have Daddy's prints on file.

[Lisa finds herself in an ethnic part of Springfield]

Lisa: [to herself] Huh, I didn't know Springfield had a Russian district. [comes across two men playing chess] Uh, excuse me. I'm kinda lost. Can you tell me how to get to the museum?

Man 1: [angrily] Moe udovoljstvie! Muzej - shestj blokov tot putj! [My pleasure! The museum is six blocks that way!]

[Lisa runs off screaming]

Man 1: [calmly] Ona poshla nepraviljnыj putj. [She went the wrong way.]

Man 2: [makes his move] Porazhenie. [Checkmate.]

Man 1: [throws the board on the ground] Horoshaja igra! Kak o drugom?! [Good game! How about another?!]

[edit] Natural Born Kissers [9.25]

(Homer and Marge rush over to some garden ornaments naked; Marge stands behind birds and a flower, Homer stands behind two lumberjacks sawing a log)

Homer: Marge, can we switch? I don't trust these guys!

Reverend: Now lets all thank the lord for this our new crystal church for us to behold all his natural glory.

[Homer's backside is sliding across the top of it the roof, making a huge noise]

Reverend: Now hurry, let's all look down and admire God's new parquet floor. [Eyes closed looking down as Homer still passes by on the ceiling] Eyes on the floor, still on the floor, always on God's floor.