Scrubs (TV series)

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Scrubs is a comedy television series that ran from 2001 to 2008 on NBC, and from 2008 to 2010 on ABC. It was created by Bill Lawrence, who also co-created Spin City.


Season 1[edit]

My First Day [1.01][edit]

J.D.: I'm waiting for someone.
Janitor: Door's broke. This is maybe the fifth time or so it don't open.
J.D.: Maybe there's a penny stuck in there.
Janitor: [suspiciously] Why a penny?
J.D.: I don't know.
Janitor: Did you stick a penny in there?
J.D.: No! I'm just making small talk...
Janitor: If I find a penny in there, I'm taking you down.

Dr. Cox: Why does this Gomer have to try and die every day during my lunch?
J.D.: That's a little insensitive.
[Dr. Cox glares at J.D.]
J.D.: [narration] Mistake.
Dr. Cox: The man is 92 years old. He has full dementia. He doesn't even know we're here. He's inches away from Carla's rack and he hasn't even flinched.
Carla: Aww, that is so sweet.
Dr. Cox: Yeah it is.
J.D.: What about his subconscious?
Dr. Cox: [whispers in the patient's ear] Eisenhower... was a sissy! [sarcastically jumps back into a defensive crouch, then resumes glaring at J.D.] I think, by the grace of God, we're gonna be OK. Oh, and from now on, whenever I'm in the room, you're definitely not allowed to talk.

My Mentor [1.02][edit]

Turk: Oh, come on, Carla, give me one good reason why you won't go out with me.
Carla: Well, you're a surgeon. So, you've got the god-complex, the cockiness, the whole "married to the job" thing. You're cute, but you're very, very aware of it. You have no idea what I'm like, so all of your feelings for me are coming from down there [points at his crotch]. But most of all, I'm looking for the real thing and you're nothing but a little boy who's not used to being told "no." So there's a bunch of reasons. Pick your favorite. [walks off]
J.D.: I'd go with the "god-complex"... but it's hard to choose, you know, they're all so good.

Will: This is a strange resort, man. I mean, the wheelchair service is great, but that suite I rented, there was another person in it. And for some reason the bellhop gave me an enema.
J.D.: Yeah, he's new here.

My Best Friend's Mistake [1.03][edit]

Elliot: Dr. Cox.
Dr. Cox: I'm hoping, for your sake, there's another Dr. Cox sitting right behind me.
Elliot: I feel stupid, but, sending me to Kelso like that—well, I'm not sure, exactly, what you were trying to teach me.
Dr. Cox: The value - and this is important - of leaving me alone.

Dr. Cox: I want you to spread the word, missy. I've... had... enough. The next whiny intern that comes in here looking to me for a cookie and a hug, I swear to Aisha, I'm going to hurt them. And you, you neurotic one-woman freak-show, take your blah-blah to the blah-blah-ologist. Because if you are so stupid as to confront the Chief of Medicine over some quasi-offensive endearment, then you've just got to go ahead and replace the captain of your brainship, because he's drunk at the wheel!
Elliot: So, you're telling me I have to pick my battles. Thanks, Dr. Cox. [Walks off]
Dr. Cox: [confused] You're welcome.

My Old Lady [1.04][edit]

J.D.: I'm... I'm... I'm the doctor.
Guy: What are you, sixteen?
Woman: Oh, this is unacceptable.
Guy: What'd you have, like, coupons to this hospital, ma?
Woman: I should—we should have gone to my doctor.
Mrs. Tanner: Now that's enough! Now, sure, he's young, but he's probably a very good doctor. Are you a good doctor?
J.D.: It's kinda too soon to tell.

Mrs. Tanner: Sweetie, I'm seventy-four years old, I'm ready to go.
J.D.: Yeah, but with dialysis, you could live another... eighty or ninety years!
Mrs. Tanner: I think you're being a little irrational.
J.D.: No I'm not.
Mrs. Tanner: Everybody dies sometime.
J.D.: No they don't.

My Two Dads [1.05][edit]

Dr. Cox: What in the name of Are You There, God? It's Me, Margaret were you thinking?

Dr. Kelso: I'm very proud of you, Dr... uh...
J.D.: [narration] Just look at my badge!
Dr. Kelso: ...Dr. Turk!
J.D.: Oh, that's my roommate's badge. We must have switched this morning...
Dr. Kelso: That's a great anecdote. You should write it down in your journal. Then your kids can read about it when you're dead!

My Bad [1.06][edit]

J.D.: Your ex-wife. She's the answer.
Dr. Cox: Uhhh... Things that ruined my life. Things that took half my money? Things with sharp edges!

[Dr. Cox is reminiscing about his ex-wife]
Dr. Cox: She was never boring.
J.D.: What happened?
Dr. Cox: Oh, you know... you marry someone who reminds you of your mother, and then you remember you hate your mother. You talked to her, didn't you?
J.D.: I don't think you realize how important you are to a lot of people around here.
J.D. [narration] I'll always remember that moment as the first "thank you" I got from Dr. Cox.
Dr. Cox: Well, geez, Agnes, does the field hockey team know that you're missing?
J.D. [narration] It felt good.

My Super Ego [1.07][edit]

J.D.: So he has a cute butt. Everyone has a cute butt. I have a cute butt.
Carla: You should bring it in sometime.

Elliot: You know I kinda had a date last night?
J.D.: Really?
Elliot: Yeah, a guy on the bus fell asleep on me and drooled on my shoulder.
J.D.: ...You slut.

My Fifteen Minutes [1.08][edit]

J.D.: [as Robin in a daydream] Holy inferiority complex, Batman! How low is my self esteem that I'm the sidekick in my own fantasy?
Turk: [as Batman] It could be worse, Robin. You could be Alfred the butler.
J.D.: [as Alfred] Damn you, sir.

J.D. [narration] It's funny how our perceptions can be so off. Like when you're searching for a place to fit in and you don't realize you've been there the whole time. Or how a bunch of posters can't turn you into a role model if you've already been one for years. Of course, in my case I knew exactly where I stood and it didn't feel that good.
Dr. Cox: [To intern review board] I would like to make special mention of one intern, here. John Dorian. Smart kid, he's extremely competent, and his enthusiasm and his determination to always be better is something I see 24 hours a day. He cares. He cares too much. But he's definitely somebody you don't want to lose. [As he gets up and leaves] Now if you have any questions... Well, I could give a crap! I'm going home. Ya'll get paid way too much for doing nothing anyway.

My Day Off [1.09][edit]

Dr. Kelso: Doctor Cox, did you get my memo reminding all senior staff that lab coats must be worn at all times?
Dr. Cox: You know I did get it there, Bob, and at first I just threw it away, but then I decided that wasn't a grand enough gesture, so I made a replica of you out of straw and I put my lab coat on it with your memo in the pocket, and then I invited all the kids in the neighborhood to come over to light it on fire and whack it with sticks.

J.D.: I want you to know, if I ever need surgery again, I want you inside of me.
Turk: I wanna be the one inside of you.

My Nickname [1.10][edit]

Janitor: Your new nickname is Scooter.
J.D.: Why?
Janitor: It's short for scooter pie. [J.D. stares at him blankly.] I hate scooter pie.
J.D.: Oh, now I see. [voiceover] Ya big jerk.

Dr. Cox: [To annoying patient] Okay, think of what little patience I have as, oh, I don't know, your virginity. You always thought it would be there, until that night Junior Year when you were feeling a little down about yourself and your pal Kevin, who just wanted to be friends, well, he dropped by and he brought a copy of About Last Night and a four-pack of Bartles & Jaymes and badaow, it was gone forever—just like my patience is now.

My Own Personal Jesus [1.11][edit]

J.D.: [voiceover] Oh, God, his ex-wife. The tension actually hurts. You have to break it; say something, anything! [aloud] Banana hammock!
Dr. Cox: I'm betting your ability to thrive under pressure is what drove you to medicine.

J.D.: [holding up mistletoe] Who put this up!?
Janitor: I did. I drove around the whole city before my 5 a.m. shift just... looking for that—trying to add a little cheer.
J.D.: I was just trying to—
Janitor: Oh, I know exactly what you're trying to do. But you will not ruin my Christmas. Not again. Not this year. [leaves]
J.D.: But I've only worked here for three months.

My Blind Date [1.12][edit]

Alex: Does this big metal contraption make me look fat?
J.D.: More chunky than fat.

J.D.: [voiceover] I've been thinking a lot lately about taking chances, and how it's really just about overcoming your fears. Because the truth is, every time you take a big risk in your life, no matter how it ends up, you're always glad you took it.

My Balancing Act [1.13][edit]

Turk: Okay, it's true, I have never said "I love you" to a woman before.
Todd: Well, then, how do you get them to sleep with you?

Elliot : Listen, Carla, I can't even pretend that I can give you tips on intercourse...
Carla: I got one for you: stop calling it that.
Elliot: My therapist thinks my trouble in bed stems from a basic fear of intimacy. But I just think it's just because any type of repetitive motion makes me nauseous. Oh, and since I was a little kid, I've always had nightmares about being crushed.
Carla: That poor shrink.

My Drug Buddy [1.14][edit]

J.D.: [about to sleep with his girlfriend for the first time] Remember when the new Star Wars movie came out? It was all built up, and when people finally saw it, it wasn't that great in bed?

Dr. Cox: Lookit, Newbie: Just because you have a new girlfriend doesn't mean that the world has suddenly turned in to a giant green M&M. The Red Sox still suck, they do; Barbie, here, still can't decide what to do with those annoying bangs....
[Elliot pulls her hair out of her face]
Dr. Cox: [continuing] ...And addicts everywhere will still lie, cheat, and steal just to get a fix.
[He grabs J.D. by the shoulders]
Dr. Cox: [affecting a womanly voice] ...Now, you've got to wake up, sweetheart, you're gonna be late for school— Aw, you wet the bed! Why can't I have a normal child without these problems?! [leaves]
Elliot: My mom says they frame my face.
J.D.: They don't.

My Bed Banter & Beyond [1.15][edit]

Dr. Cox: Why did I become a doctor? Well gosh, I guess it's because ever since I was a little boy I just wanted to help people. You know, I don't tell this story often, but I remember when I was seven years old, one time I found a bird that had fallen out of its nest, so I picked him up and I brought him home and I made him a house out of an empty shoebox and... oh my God! [breaks up laughing] I became a doctor for the same four reasons everybody does: chicks, money, power, and chicks. But, since HMOs have made it virtually impossible to make any real money, which directly affects the number of chicks that come sniffin' around, and don't ask me what tree they're barking up, 'cause they're sure as hell not pissing on mine, and as far as power goes, well: Here I am during my free time letting some thirteen-year-old psychology fellow who couldn't cut it in real medicine ask me questions about my personal life, so here's the inside scoop there, pumpkin, why don't you go ahead and tell me all about power.

Dr. Cox: Relationships don't work the way they do on television and in the movies. Will they? Won't they? And then they finally do, and they're happy forever. Gimme a break. Nine out of ten of them end because they weren't right for each other to begin with, and half of the ones who get married get divorced anyway, and I'm telling you right now, through all this stuff, I have not become a cynic, I haven't. Yes, I do happen to believe that love is mainly about pushing chocolate covered candies and, y'know, in some cultures, a chicken. You can call me a sucker, I don't care, because I do believe in it. Bottom line is: it's couples who are truly right for each other wade through the same crap as everybody else, but the big difference is they don't let it take them down. One of those two people will stand up and fight for that relationship every time. If it's right, and they're real lucky, one of them will say something.

My Heavy Meddle [1.16][edit]

Janitor: Girl problems?
J.D.: How'd you know?
Janitor: Look like you got problems. You're a girl. Hence, girl problems.

J.D.: [To Dr. Cox just entering the hospital] Dr. Cox, I was wondering...
Dr. Cox: I'd say you're about a B-Cup. [looking at J.D.'s chest] Yeah.
Janitor: At least they're real.
J.D.: [voiceover] Yup, a great place to heal.

My Student [1.17][edit]

J.D.: [narration] It's hard trying to figure out how to reach somebody. I guess the only thing to do is to think of someone that I look up to and remember how they first got through to me.
[Dr. Cox coming around the corner, approaches J.D.]
Dr. Cox: Newbie, the only way you could be less productive right now is if you were in fact, the wall on which you're leaning against. Of course, then you'd be providing some jackass with a wall on which to lean against and reflect on what a jackass he truly is. I know, here it's a conundrum, but don't you worry about it. I'll tackle that one right upstairs [points to his head]. In the meantime, you could at least pretend to be doing some work. And right about now, even though you don't have your basket, oh it's just a terrific time for you to skip away, Shirley.
[J.D. walks away slowly]
Dr. Cox: Skip away, skip away, skip away [J.D. skips a little], skip, skip, skip to my lou, whoo hoo!

Turk: Okay, so you're having a little trouble asking out Kristen. There's no shame in it.
Dr. Cox: Whoa there, Curly, I got no problem asking a woman out. Watch this. [to a passing woman] Wanna have a drink sometime?
Woman: No.
Dr. Cox: Good. [to Turk] See? I'm fine over here.

My Tuscaloosa Heart [1.18][edit]

Carla: Hey Bambi, you know Mr. Simon made one of the night nurses cry?
J.D.: Which one?
Carla: Frank.
J.D.: Frank used to be a Navy SEAL!

Turk: Sir, what happened to Bunny? We gotta know.
Dr. Kelso: Well, actually, the music came before Bunny. I learned to play the guitar growing up as a young rapscallion in Mississippi, but things didn't really take off until I moved to Memphis. Then, I met the Colonel, and the hits just kept on comin'! Unfortunately, it went to my head. I gained a lot of weight, wore a white jumpsuit, and ate tranquilizers like they were trail mix.
Elliot: Sir...
Dr. Kelso: Then in 1977 I died on the toilet... or did I?
Turk: You never played the guitar, did you?
Dr. Kelso: Son, that crap is for hippies! Now for God's sake get back to work! [in an Elvis Presley-like voice] Thank ya, thank ya very much.

My Old Man [1.19][edit]

[J.D. and Dr. Cox are in a patient's room talking. J.D. has just been told that he has to give a lecture for a resident.]
J.D.: That sucks, I totally wanted to spend some time with my dad tomorrow.
Dr. Cox: Then take him.
J.D.: What do you mean?
Dr. Cox: Secure a vehicle of some kind, car, balloon, tricycle. And transport your father from wherever he is to where you're going to be.
J.D.: I don't think you really get my dad. He's not really interested in my work. He's more like a buddy.
Dr. Cox: Okaaay, that was my mistake. Here I engaged you, and gave you the impression that I actually cared, which is just so wrong, God!
J.D.: The thing is I don't really need a buddy. What I need is a father.
Dr. Cox: Well, you definitely need something. Um, maybe a backbone. Or perhaps some testicles. At the very least, a pillow that you can carry around the hospital and cry your sad eyes out.
J.D.: [To patient, who has been listening to the conversation] I have testicles. He's a kidder.

J.D.: [Narration] Maybe the mistake we make is thinking our parents will change. And maybe they did a better job than we give them credit for. And maybe there, amid all the crap they dumped on us, are some things worth keeping. Like a passion for something you never knew you had. Or the ability to constantly surround yourself with people who love you.

My Way or the Highway [1.20][edit]

Nurse: Oh, it's just coffee.
Dr. Cox: Oh, no, no. This is liquid crack; this is a mug full of sunshine; my dear, for me, this is like sex.
Nurse: Oh! Is that why you always finish so quickly?
Dr. Cox: [as Nurse walks away] Mmmm, and sassy too. If you can cook a steak, I'd eat it right off your bottom!

Carla: He doesn't know that I cry sometimes because...I'm not sure there's a cat heaven.

My Sacrificial Clam [1.21][edit]

Dr. Cox: The key to my exercise program is this one simple truth: I hate my body. You understand that the second you look in the mirror and you're happy with what you see, baby, you just lost the battle.
Turk: You should give speeches to teenage girls.

Dr. Cox: Hey, do you know any women who hate themselves enough to actually date me?

My Occurrence [1.22][edit]

Ben: Jordan, you're a big girl. When you got divorced you put people in the awkward position of having to choose between you and Perry.
Jordan: You're my brother!
Ben: Well, admittedly that made it hard—ooh, here's a good one. [holds up a snapshot he just took of Jordan] "Me so cranky! Rrr."

[Dr. Cox is examining Ben, who has a nail impaled through his hand and stuck in a board. JD walks in.]
J.D.: What's that, like your "lucky board" or something?
Ben: What's that? Oh, no, it's a nail gun accident. [Shows J.D. the bottom, which is covered in blood]
J.D.: Oh my God, that's disgusting.
Dr. Cox: I already dosed him with morphine and the X-ray says the nail went straight through, so it's not that big a d... oh, dear God, she's getting woozy. Quickly, show her the bloody side.
Ben: Look at that. Oh, it's a nail. You wanna touch it? Touch the nail. Touch my nail! Touch it! LICK THE TIP OF MY NAIL!
[J.D. faints]
Dr. Cox: Goodnight!

My Hero [1.23][edit]

J.D.: I think you won't face Ben because you're afraid.
Dr. Cox: I think you're right. I do. Partly because you've really gotten to know me this year, but mostly it's because well...I told you that I was afraid earlier today, so please don't tell me you've come here to reiterate things to me that I've already said, because I know the things I've already said. In fact... I'm the one who said them.

J.D.: [Narration] I think one of the most universal human experiences is feeling alone. You'd never know it, but there's most likely tons of people feeling the exact same way. Maybe because you're feeling abandoned. Maybe because you realize that you aren't as self-sufficient as you thought. Maybe because you know you should've handled something differently. Or maybe because you aren't as good as you thought you were. Either way, when you hit that low point, you have a choice. You can either wallow in self-pity, or you can suck it up. It's your call.

My Last Day [1.24][edit]

Dr. Cox: Don't ever be afraid to come to me about this kinda stuff, newbie. The simple fact that you seem to even give a crap is why I took an interest in you to begin with. It's why I trust you as a doctor; hell, it's... it's why I trust you as a person.
J.D.: ...Are you dying?
Dr. Cox: I've got a new shrink.

Jordan: Sex is for two things: making babies and revenge.

Season 2[edit]

My Overkill [2.01][edit]

[J.D. wakes up next to Turk]
Turk: [in a seductive voice] Morning, Tiger.
J.D.: How could you let a woman kick you out of your own bed?
Turk: Baby, why you gotta be so cranky in the morning?
J.D.: This is unacceptable. You said we were gonna sleep head to foot.
Turk: Dude, either way the naughty bits are still in the middle.
J.D.: Yeah, but with the head to foot alignment there's no way for them to [hits fists together] lock in.
Turk: Dude, could you be more homophobic?
J.D.: I'm not.
[Turk whisks off duvet. J.D. is already dressed.]
J.D.: Ready to go?

The Todd: Ladies, now that the Todd is a resident, he wants to clear things up so you don't have to wonder any more. [pointing to nurses] Yes, yes, no, yes, no, and yes if I've been drinking.
Nurse Roberts: Come here, Wonder Bread.
The Todd: What's up, doll?
Nurse Roberts: If you ever get this close again, I will end you.
The Todd: I'm changing you to a yes because you're feisty!

My Nightingale [2.02][edit]

[Jordan has just witnessed Dr. Cox trashing J.D.]
Jordan: Good job, D.J.
J.D.: It's J.D.! You know, at least I remember the names of all my sexual partners!
Jordan: Well, I'm sure that girl from high school and your bunkmate from Camp Morningwood are both extremely grateful.

Carla: Look, you've all been on call before. So you don't have a safety net! Most of the time you don't need one anyway, right?
Carla: Fine. I'll just go tell your patients they're on their own because you're all too scared.
J.D.: No, Carla, I'm a doctor... I should tell them.
Elliot: [grabs some charts] C'mon peeps - let's go kick some sick patient ass! [walks off, upbeat]
J.D.: [takes a chart] That, my friends, is one nerdy honky! [walks away]
Turk: That's two.

My Case Study [2.03][edit]

Turk: Dr. Kelso, how can you make love to your wife if she's at fat camp?
Dr. Kelso: The question is, how can I make love to her if she's not at fat camp?

[Dr. Cox disapproves of J.D. currying Kelso's favor]
J.D.: You know, I don't care what you think.
Dr. Cox: Yeah, you do.
J.D.: I know. Look, I wanna be like you... but a more successful you. There's nothing wrong with playing the game once in a while. Tell you what, in 10 years, when I'm your boss, I'll put in a good word for you and you won't even have to ask... sir.

My Big Mouth [2.04][edit]

Janitor: [eating soup with a fork] Fork! Me can't eat soup! Rawrr!
J.D.: I don't think you're stupid; your job requires a lot of know-how. I mean, it's not like you're ladling out sloppy joes.
[notices the cafeteria worker in front of him holding a ladle of sloppy joe]
J.D.: You know, my-my uncle was a joer.

Elliot: [Talking to patient] It's like being blind in one eye, except you'll be blind in both.

My New Coat [2.05][edit]

Ted: Unfortunately, you've, uh, put us in somewhat of a legal bind.
Kelso: Way to go, Ted. My God, man, you couldn't scare a child.
Ted: Wh-who would want to?

J.D.: A patient's blaming me for losing his sense of smell.
Ted: Oh my God, you cut off someone's nose?! Where is it? Do you have it on you? You're disgusting.
J.D.: Ted, I don't have the nose. Maybe you should calm down—

My Big Brother [2.06][edit]

Carla: You don't want to get on Bambi's bad side, and suffer the wrath of Bambi!

Dan: So, you slept with my little brother. If he tries hard, but there's room for improvement, take a sip.
[Elliot takes a sip]
J.D.: Elliot!
Elliot: What? I was thirsty.
J.D.: Well, ok, ask me if she could be better. [drains glass] What? Thirsty!
Elliot: [aside to Dan] I wasn't thirsty.

Turk: So, Dr. Cox, the intern asked for a surgical consult on Mr. Carney?
Dr. Cox: Yeah.
Turk: I suggest we do a fem-pop bypass.
Dr. Cox: Mr. Carney's a frail old man who'd...probably snap in half from a light sponge bath.
Turk: All I'm saying is if we do surgery, we could improve his quality of life.
Dr. Cox: The guy's a thousand. What's he gonna, take a steamer over to Europe, open up a café, and finally meet that nine hundred-year-old girl of his dreams?

My First Step [2.07][edit]

Julie Keaton: Plomox is the most effective antiarrhythmic drug on the market right now, and it has minimal side effects — only nausea, impotence, and anal leakage.
Dr. Cox: [smiling] I'm gettin' two out of three just from the conversation!

Julie Keaton: So, this is romantic... the two of us, full moon...
Dr. Cox: Homeless guy pissing on a dumpster...

My Fruit Cups [2.08][edit]

Dr. Cox: So my girlfriend serviced most of the staff? I'm proud of her commitment to medicine.
Carla: It's not like you haven't had sex with other people. Your ex-wife, that med student, your ex-wife, the cute nurse from radiology, your ex-wife...
Dr. Cox: Would you get off my ex-wife?
Carla: I will if you will.
Dr. Cox: [laughs] Dammit, now I'm too gosh-darned proud of you to be mad!

J.D.: [to the Janitor after he asks him if he's been stealing pudding and toilet paper] I hate pudding, and I don't use toilet paper... [pauses] I have one of those French things that shoots water up your butt.
Janitor: Bidet?
J.D.: Bidet to you, sir.

My Lucky Day [2.09][edit]

J.D.: Hey, Dr. Cox! You’ll be happy to know that I did everything for my patient, that you did for yours.
Dr. Cox: Oh, my God, I care so little, I almost passed out.
Dr. Kelso: Hey, Ace, your TTP patient coded. I pronounced him.
J.D.: He died?
Dr. Kelso: I certainly hope so, otherwise that autopsy is gonna be a bitch.

Elliot: [to a patient who's suing her] I know what your problem is; you blame your problems on everyone else. Well, you know what? If your job isn't challenging, you should get another career. If you have trouble with relationships, maybe it's because you have problems with commitment. I know, because I'm the same way; I blame my parents for spoiling me, I blame this place for taking up all my time... Well, no more. I'm going to grow up and start holding myself accountable.
Patient: Good for you.
Elliot: You're still suing me, aren't you?
Patient: Yes, but now I feel like you can handle it.

My Monster [2.10][edit]

Dr. Cox: You know, Jordan, I have to tell you: despite how crazy-hormonal you are, there is something about a pregnant woman that's almost spiritual.
Jordan: Really?
Dr. Cox: Honestly you—
Jordan: Mm-hmm.
Dr. Cox: —you have never looked so beautiful.
Jordan: It's the giant boobs, isn't it.
Dr. Cox: Well, have you seen them lately?
J.D.: I've seen bigger. [To Nurse Roberts] Not on you. Although, kudos!
Nurse Roberts: Mm-hmm!

Dr. Kelso: Dr. Reid, this is not "Bring Your Problems To Work Day", this is just "Work Day".

My Sex Buddy [2.11][edit]

J.D.: [voiceover] And then she said something every man is dying to hear...
Elliot : We can be sex buddies...
J.D. : [hears fanfare] I mean... if you want.

Dr. Cox: Oh, and by the way, Barbie: if word were to get around that Uncle Cox was doling out the feel-goods... [grins] I'll make you pay. You have no idea. Huge.

My New Old Friend [2.12][edit]

J.D: Hey, you're black, right?
Turk: Here we go.
J.D: I hate that stereotype that black people all yell at movie screens, y'know? Like you go to see a horror flick and you'd be yelling like, "Don't go in there, girl! He behind the do'!" Y'know? It's like... it's offensive.
Turk: You wish you were allowed to yell at the screen, don't ya?
J.D: ...Why does she go in there?! I mean, he's behind the do'!

J.D.: [narration] There are a few things I've always believed in. Flowers are good for any occasion. And nothing is more important than making time for an old friend, especially if the old girl has seen better days. Because even if it breaks your heart to be "just friends," if you really care about someone, you'll take the hit.

My Philosophy [2.13][edit]

Turk: Tonight, I'm gonna make her a nice dinner, then I'm gonna put the ring in her champagne glass.
J.D.: You might as well put it in her cham-lame glass.
Turk: Okay, Mr. Know-It-All, what would you do?
J.D.: Okay, first you gotta get, like, 50 candles, right?
Turk: Mm-hmm?
J.D.: You spread 'em all over the room with some rose petals....
Turk: That's right, because the roses are beautiful, and they make the room smell amazing.
J.D.: Like a meadow in springtime.
Turk: Mmm.
[Carla comes in]
Carla: What are you guys talking about?
Turk: Nothing; guy talk!
J.D.: Yeah, bitches and hoes.

My Brother, My Keeper [2.14][edit]

J.D.: I still can't believe I power-walked butt-naked through the halls of the hospital last night!
Turk: My man, I know that wasn't you.
J.D.: How?
Turk: I'm not really proud of this, but I can pick your puff'n'stuff out of a lineup.
J.D.: Oh, it changed since you saw it. It got a haircut.

His Story [2.15][edit]

Dr. Kelso: Perry! Hi. How are you, et cetera. The wife and I just took out a new insurance policy and I need a physical.
Dr. Cox: Bob, the day I willingly cradle your dusty old twig and berries and get a whiff of your chronic halitosis while you turn your head and cough, is the day you can look for me up on the roof singing "I Believe I Can Fly."
Dr. Kelso: Great stuff. See you about two-ish.

Elliot: I'm dating a Murse!
J.D.: Well it's better than dating a mecretary or a manicurist... oh wait, that works.

My Karma [2.16][edit]

Jordan: I'm going home.
Dr. Cox: No, no you're not-
Jordan: Bye-bye!
Dr. Cox: Jordan, your water just broke.
Jordan: This kid's annoying me already.

Elliot: Of course I'm holding back, I'm insane, you idiot! Remember the other day when you told me I had pit stains? Well, I have cried every 15 minutes on the half hour since you told me that. I am racked with self-doubt, I have panic attacks, I'm claustrophobic, germaphobic, phobia phobic, I talk to myself, I talk to my cats, I talk to three separate shrinks about the fact that often my cats respond to me in my mother's voice and yesterday, when that stupid pretty surgical nurse handed you a pair of latex gloves, I almost killed the guy whose leg I was stitching up because I couldn't stop thinking about the two of you having sex on a box of steaks! Why a box of steaks? Cause my dad had an affair with a female butcher! And as I mentioned before, I am insane. There, I opened up, are you happy?

Dr. Cox: The thing is, this time, I am killing myself for this woman and I am still gettin' my ass handed to me.
Carla: There is no Shangri-La, you know. Every relationship is messed up. What makes it perfect is if you still wanna be there when things really suck.

My Own Private Practice Guy [2.17][edit]

[J.D. walks up to the Janitor, dragging Elliot by her arm]
J.D.: I want you to tell her the truth, dammit, alright? Tell her that you're a surly, devious, horrible excuse for a human being.
[A small boy is standing next to the Janitor]
J.D.: Who's that?
Janitor: That's my son.
Elliot: Oh my God, J.D.! [leaves]
J.D.: I-I-I'm sorry. I-I didn't even see him there...
Janitor: No. I'm glad he heard it. I think it's important he sees how the world treats people like us.
J.D.: ...I'm so sorry. [walks away ashamed]
Janitor: [to kid] Who the hell are you? ...Go on, beat it. Scram! ...Alright, stick around.

The Todd: Oh, Miss Pacman, I would sex that bow right off your head. Oh, eat those dots, you naughty girl!

My T.C.W. [2.18][edit]

J.D. I decided to take Jamie out on a date.
Carla: Who?
Turk: You know, Tasty Coma Wife?
Elliot: No way!
Dr. Cox: Nice job there, Hooch. I tell you what: You give me some prep time, and I'll rig it so the husband can come with you. Honest to God, I'll have him sitting right next to you. Whaddaya say?
[In J.D.'s fantasy, Mr. Moyer appears from over his shoulder]
Mr. Moyer: I'm free, and I love Italian.
J.D.: You be quiet!
[cuts back to reality]
Carla: I can't believe you, Bambi!
Turk: She's so right, man.
Elliot: What are you thinking?
Dr. Cox: Oh, Rin Tin Tin Tin Tin...
J.D.: SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP AND SHUT UP, OK?! Who are you people to give me advice about anything?! All you do is just bitch about your relationships all day long! [to Dr. Cox] And you know what, glare all you want, big dog, okay? 'Cause I'm not afraid of you. [mimicking Cox] "Oh no! Jordan's only paying attention to the baby!" That must be so hard for "Dr. Look-At-Me", isn't it? "LOOK AT ME!" [to Turk and Carla] And you two? What, you're arguing since you got engaged? Wow, you're probably the first couple that's ever done that ever. It can't be that you're just scared, is it? [to Elliot] And you! Y-you know what, let's just — let's just forget for one second, that a month ago you told me you couldn't be in a relationship with anyone, because, for me, it's actually fun to watch you sabotage a relationship from the outside, it really is. [to everyone] Honestly, the only thing that gives me comfort, you guys, is that while I'm sitting at home, staring at the ceiling, just wishing that I had someone to talk to, is knowing that none of you idiots realize how lucky you are!
[He storms out. Laverne walks in]
Laverne: Did I miss something good?

J.D.: [voiceover] I don't think people are meant to be by themselves. That's why if you actually find someone you care about, it's important to let go of the little things, even if you can't let go all the way. Because nothing sucks more than feeling all alone, no matter how many people are around.

My Kingdom [2.19][edit]

Elliot: [walking up to Doctor Cox, who is experiencing difficulties with an outdated, broken computer] Doctor Cox—
Dr. Cox: [angrily, to computer] Work. I hate you. You suck.
Elliot: I know, but I've been trying harder lately—
Dr. Cox: Barbie? Talking to the computer, but nice self esteem.
Paul: Hey cowboy, how about you back off the little lady, and we'll all agree that you're really, really scary.
Dr. Cox: Look Flowers, I know your pink scrubs are balled up at the base of Barbie's bed three nights a week, and congrats on that, really. But if you're gonna go ahead and have a showdown with everyone who hassles her, you two won't have time for that sweet, Aryan sex that you love so much. Hit the bricks, towheads.

Dr. Cox: [referring to a broken computer] Why have we never fixed or replaced this monstrosity?
Laverne: You know the deal around here: if it barely works, it's not gonna get replaced.
Dr. Cox: Well, I guess that explains why your ass is still on the payroll, huh? Ohhhhhhhhhhhh! Somebody stop me!

My Interpretation [2.20][edit]

J.D.: Look... Janitor, I'm gonna be straight with you. I saw your penis and I noticed a possible melanoma that you should really have checked out.
Janitor: When did you see my penis?
J.D.: Last night when you were showering.
Janitor.: Where were you?
J.D.: Oh, I was outside in the bushes.
Janitor: [dumbfounded]
J.D.: Look, it was just a coincidence, man. If you had looked out of the window you would've seen MY penis, you know.
Janitor: What? Why?
J.D.: Because I had it out while I was looking at yours!

J.D.: [Inspecting the Janitor's penis after seeing a possible melanoma] Well, I still want to refer you to a dermatologist, but it looks benign.
Janitor: Yeah, benign, nine and a half...

My Drama Queen [2.21][edit]

Dr. Cox: Oh gosh, Denise, thank you for clarifying my point by repeating it word for word. Now, in a reciprocal gesture, can I be included in the planning of your coming out party?
J.D.: Is that a gay joke?
Dr. Cox: No, it's a cotillion joke. My God, newbie, it's been two furiously frustrating years. How is it possible that you still don't get me? I would never compare you to the gays. I like the gays. I like their music. I like their sense of style. I especially like what they've done with Halloween, but our thing is that you are a little girl. That's who you are. But maybe that's not fair...
J.D.: [narration] Nothing can stop Dr. Cox when he's on a roll like this...
Carla: My mom died.
J.D.: [narration] Except that.

Dr. Cox: You are what you eat. And you clearly went out and devoured a big fat guy, didn't ya?

My Dream Job [2.22][edit]

Dr. Cox: Oh, hey, Bob, here's an idea: What say you stop showing up altogether? We'll just replace you with a giant time-clock. Oh, and if we ever get to missing you, we'll just have a tiny little Bob Kelso cuckoo bird pop out every couple of minutes and say "I've never satisfied a woman. I've never satisfied a woman. I've never satisfied a woman."

Jordan: When do we eat?
Dr. Cox: Look Jordan could you just give me ten seconds to myself here.
Jordan: No.
Dr. Cox: You know you are being very immature... and oh my god is that guy on fire!?
[Dr. Cox runs into the on call room]
Elliot: [Happily] Dr. Cox?
Dr. Cox: From one hell to another.

[J.D and Cox witness Kelso berating Elliot, who is near tears]
J.D.: If she was your daughter you'd totally know how to handle it.
Dr. Cox: My God, you're right.
[Cox walks up to and knocks out Kelso with one punch]
Dr. Cox: You're doing fine there, Barbie.
Elliot: [stunned] ...Thank you?
Dr. Cox: Everybody have a good one! [smiles warmly at Elliot] I'm going home to see my son... 'Scuse me, there, Bobbo.
J.D.:[narration] That may come up tomorrow.

Season 3[edit]

My Own American Girl [3.01][edit]

Nurse Roberts: You'll be okay, Marshmallow.
Elliot: Laverne, do you call me "Marshmallow" because I'm soft and easily flattened?
Nurse Roberts: Well, yeah... But, if it makes you feel any better, it's also because you're very white.

Elliot: Oh, my God! Isn't she beautiful! I mean, this car has totally maxed out my credit, but my self-esteem's been so low lately that I think it's worth it. Don't you?
Delivery Guy: I just deliver the cars. [throws her the keys] She's all yours.
[As Elliot grabs the keys, a truck roars by and takes out the passenger door.]
Elliot:: Frick!

Dr. Moyer: These are my machines!
Carla: Sir—
Turk: Whose machines?
J.D.: [to Turk] How was that helpful?

J.D.: Dr Cox
[Dr Cox doesn't answer]
J.D.:Dr Cox
[He still doesn't answer]
J.D.: Big Cheese
Dr Cox: Yes
[Not far away we hear the noise of whistling. Later Dr Kelso is revealed to be the source of the whistling. He enters the hospital with Ted]
J.D (narating): If your wondering why Dr. Kelso's nose is whistling [as he speaks we go back in time] about a week ago he was torturing Elliot and well...
[In the flashback Perry punches Dr. Kelso on the nose. We then come to the present day]

My Journey [3.02][edit]

Elliot: [Upon applying red lipstick in preparation for a date] Dr. Cox, does this shade of red make me look like a clown?
Dr. Cox: No... Barbie, no. It makes you look like a prostitute that caters exclusively to clowns.
Elliot: Oh! Ah... that was my mistake, I keep forgetting that you're a horrible, horrible person.
Dr. Cox: Ooh, Backbone Barbie!

Elliot: Oh, so you've never dreamed about your wedding day.
J.D.: [drifts off]
Priest: Do you, John Dorian, take Marcia Brady to be your wife?
Maureen McCormick: My name is Maureen McCormick.
J.D.: Marcia, please! Father, continue.

My White Whale [3.03][edit]

Dr. Kelso: Well, don't worry about it, son, those things are a dime a dozen.
Bruce: Really?
Dr. Kelso: In fact, if you get bored, why don't you just hijack an ice cream truck and drive it through our brand new pathology lab? But do me a favor and spare the paper shredder, because I'll need that to turn your next twelve paychecks into a clown wig you can wear for the rest of your internship!

J.D.: Hey, Sean, you were right about me and my interns. I guess I owe you an apology.
Carla: Damn straight, you do! You know what your problem is, Bambi? You're—[Turk picks her up and carries her away] Oh! Turk! Please? Just one more second? I need the rush! Please? [to J.D.] I'm coming back for you!

My Lucky Night [3.04][edit]

Dr. Cox: [To Dr. Steadman] You're a doctor? Here, all this time I thought that you were some kind of parasitic creature that lived shoulder-deep inside Big Bob's colon.
Dr. Steadman: [To Dr. Kelso] If only, sir.

Dr. Cox: [to J.D] I'm gonna go ahead and write you a prescription for two testicles; and you feel free to get this filled out whenever you want.

My Brother Where Art Thou? [3.05][edit]

Dan: [Objecting to Dr. Cox's harsh treatment of a patient] Dude, these are living breathing people we're talking about here-
Dr. Cox: I'm sorry, Dan, what do you do?
Dan: I tend bar.
Dr. Cox: Well, how about you let me worry about the way we do things around here, but if I ever do need advice on how to make a top notch rum and Coke, well then by gum mister you had better be by the phone cause I just might give you a jingle. [mimes talking on a phone] "Bah-rrring! Hello, Dan? Cox-a-roonie. Regarding the rum and Coke issue. Couldn't be more confused."

J.D.: Look, Dan. I want to apologize for everything I said. For what it's worth, I really like having you around.
Dan: No, you don't.
J.D.: I know. I have dreams where I staple your fingers to your face.

[Dr. Cox is going home. Dan catches him outside the door, having been waiting for him]
Dan: Hey, Dr. Cox.
Dr. Cox: Oh, here I'd been told you left. It made me happy.
Dan: [Shrugging] You don't like me. People don't like me. You know why? 'Cause I'm a "screw-up". Always "have been". [Laughs] Ever since we were kids; My mom always made me walk Johnny to school, first day of every year, and every year? I'd walk him to the wrong school [laughing] Just 'cause!
Dr. Cox: Boy, that's a great story. Really. And I'm sure you were just a horrible big brother.
Dan: [With mock modesty] Well...
Dr. Cox: But I'm afraid you have me confused with somebody who gives a crap. And it's okay, you don't need to be embarrassed, turns out it happens all the time; for instance, my father actually made the same mistake on his death bed.
Dan: Hey listen, Dr. Cox. No offense, I'm a big fan of the tough-guy act. But let me tell you what I really think: I think you love the fact that these kids idolize you - Johnny does. Johnny was always the one in the family we knew was going someplace; sweet kid - smart kid. Becoming a doctor, this is all he ever wanted, and yet somehow, you found a way to beat that out of him, haven't you? Turn him into some kinda cynical guy, who seems to despise what he does. [Short pause] Dr. Cox, Johnny's never gonna look up to me. Ever. But he hangs on your every word. So, I'm askin- I'm telling you, take that responsibility seriously, stop being such a hard-ass, otherwise, you're gonna have to answer to me.
J.D.: [Narration] Love can give you strength you never knew you had.
Dan: [Extends his hand] It was good seeing you, Dr. Cox.
Dr. Cox: [Shakes Dan's hand, with new respect] Good to see you, Dan. All the best. [Walks off. Dan watches him go, then breathes a sigh of relief]

My Advice To You [3.06][edit]

[J.D. and several other residents are watching TV; Dr. Cox turns it off; they groan]
Dr. Cox: Fine. Let me just tell you how it ends. Dr. Phil says, "And how is that working out... for you?" And then the big fat lady cries, waah. Alright. I'm sure you're wondering why I accepted the position of Residency Director considering my disdain for, well... all of you. Is it the extra four dollars a week in my paycheck? Or is it the fact that I finally have a chance to make a difference in this god forsaken hellhole?
[Elliot looks pleased and impressed]
Dr. Cox: It's all about the four dollars, trust me.

Danni: Unrequited love sucks, you know?
J.D.: You know what we need to do, uhhh...?
Danni: Danni.
J.D.: J.D.
Danni: Hi.
J.D.: Hi. Danni, we need to move on, okay? No more thinking about our exes, no more waiting for the phone to ring, no more stealing her purse just so you can return it later in hopes that she'll be so grateful she'll use the money recovered to buy you a drink and maybe have sex with you after.
Danni: Did that work?
J.D.: I stole the wrong purse. And yes.

My Fifteen Seconds [3.07][edit]

Jordan: I'm having second thoughts about our giant nanny. She's lovely and all, but every time the fridge is empty, she looks at our son like he's a plate of ribs.
Dr. Cox: Well, you shoulda let me hire the really skinny model. At least if she ate Jack, she'd throw him up right after.

Danni: What are you doing here?
Dr. Cox: I called him. Lookit, after shooting my mouth off the other night I've been feeling a lot of... well...
Jordan: Guilt.
Dr. Cox: No, not that.
J.D.: Guilt?
Dr. Cox: Yes, that.
[Jordan rolls her eyes]
Dr. Cox: I... I don't like her to be right.

My Friend the Doctor [3.08][edit]

Dr. Cox: Carla, I have a six-month old child, I'm gonna be one of those weird old guys who brings my son down to the park, where everybody is like, "Hmm, is he the dad, is he the grandad, is he the grandad's grandad and oh my God, why is he pushing a traffic cone on the swing while his five-year old little boy is in the mud crying? Is—is he taunting the little boy? No! He can't even see the little boy, and, now look: he's actually taking the traffic cone, putting it in the minivan and driving away while the little boy cries and the traffic cone sits quietly and watches Finding Nemo on DVD."

Dr. Cox: Do you think that my son will like me?
Carla: Oh, God no.

My Dirty Secret [3.09][edit]

Elliot: Oh my God! She has a tattoo of a teardrop on her bajingo! Is it sad?
Carla: Her vagina Elliot, she has a tattoo on her beautiful vagina.
[Turk walks in]Turk: (Gasp)This just isn't fair, not fair at all it's ridiculous! [storms off]

Jordan: [kisses Cox] Hurry home tonight so you can ignore your son and not do your share.
Dr. Cox: [laughs weakly] You make me want to kill myself and everybody around me!

My Rule of Thumb [3.10][edit]

Elliot: Carla, if your wedding ceremony's gonna be in Spanish, how will I know that you're officially married?
Carla: [sarcastically] Cause all my cousins will throw tortillas in the air and fire their guns.
Elliot: Really? God I wish I was ethnic.

Dr. Kelso: Hey champ, what has two thumbs and doesn't give a crap? [points to self with thumbs] Bob Kelso. How ya doin'.

My Clean Break [3.11][edit]

Turk: If Tyra Banks drove her car over my mom then offered to have sex with me, I'd have to dial 911 in the nude because my pants would already be off.
Carla: That's sweet—while your mother lays there dying!
Turk: [to J.D.] Tell her.
J.D.: His mom doesn't die. Tyra uses her connections in the supermodel world to get government scientists to put Turk's mom's brain into Heidi Klum's body. She falls in love with me, we all move in together.
Turk: It'd be awkward at first, but I'd make it work... because I love my mom.
J.D.: Mmm... and I would love her too!
Carla: New low.

Dr. Cox: As Residency Director, it is my pleasure to have both surgical and medical personnel here with us today. In fact, in this room, we have enough brainpower to light up a city! Not a real city, mind you, but definitely a tiny ant city whose government has recently passed a series of stringent energy conservation laws.
Doug: [taking notes, whispering to J.D.] Stringent what?
J.D.: [whispering to Doug] Stringent updoc. [to Turk] It's happening.
[Doug raises his hand]
Dr. Cox: Yes, nervous guy?
Doug: What's "up Doc"?

My Catalyst [3.12][edit]

Carla: [to J.D., who is flaunting his new hair wax] Your hair smells like Elliot's.
J.D.: Well, your breath smells like chimichangas! [storms off]
Carla: [to Elliot] Was that racist?
Elliot: Well, it depends. Did you have chimichangas for breakfast?
Carla: ...Maybe.

Kevin Casey: [to Ted] Hey Hair Club, that suit does it come with the flop sweat?

My Porcelain God [3.13][edit]

Janitor: Okay, look, attention roof-poopers! Setting aside, for a moment, the fact that I'm going to make sure that you all live to regret this day, let's keep the magic rolling. Let's not tell anyone else that there's a toilet on the roof— [the Todd walks in] There is not a toilet on the roof!
The Todd: But you just said there was!
Janitor: No—yes, I did, but I was using a metaphor... ah, that means God is watching us. You've heard this... There's a "Toilet" on the "Roof". Right, people?
[Group agreement]

Dr. Kevin Casey: Damn roof toilet's got my number.
Elliot: Can't lick it, huh?
Dr. Kevin Casey: Lord, no! I can't even sit on it!

Dr. Kevin Casey: If there is something you know you can do, whether it's intubating a patient, or copping a squat on the roof, and your mind keeps throwing up road blocks, just know you can drive right through them..."

My Screw Up [3.14][edit]

Ted: Sir, I think I know how my problem concerns a loved one.
Kelso: Go on.
Ted: It concerns me...?
Kelso: Swing and a miss.

Dr. Cox: Shower Shorts?
J.D: For the man who has nothing to hide, but still wants to.

My Tormented Mentor [3.15][edit]

Dr. Cox: Listen, Abby, I didn't write to you for advice, so if you continue down this road you are going to be eating, breathing and relieving yourself through a tube of some kind! Signed, Dealing With It On His Own, from Kansas.
J.D.: I once wrote to Abby because I didn't have any hair like the rest of the boys. By the time an answer came back it was like a forest down there! But, you know, nothing ventured.
Dr. Cox: I'm looking for streamers and a marching band because this will be the ceremonial one millionth time I've had to shake off something you've said.

Dr. Cox: Listen to me, never stick any part of your hairless body in my life again. Trust me, there is nothing for you to gain from it, because even if you went on a cruise to the furthest parts of the ocean and rescued my salt-soaked body in time to pump the sea water out of my lungs and bring me back from the brink of death, I would still be disappointed that the first face I saw was yours.
J.D.: Well, you wouldn't see my face because it would be buried in your chest giving you the hug you've been afraid to ask for your whole life!

My Butterfly [3.16][edit]

Elliot: I can't find that girl's little pink doggie anywhere.
Todd: I got a pink doggie for you, but it's not little!
Elliot: If you show me your penis, I'm going to take it away from you.

Dr. Kelso: Do you think I got to be chief of medicine by being late?
Dr. Cox: No. You got there by back-stabbing and ass-kissing.
Dr. Kelso: Maybe so, but I started those things promptly at eight.

J.D.: Here's the deal, Eleanor, We're gonna go ahead and get a full work-up on this guy. So, while I drop an NG tube and do a gastric lavage, why don't you go ahead and get an order on EKG with cardio biomarkers. If you need to know where those are, they're on page 37 of the Ann Taylor catalog -- right next to that salmon cable-knit sweater you've wanted for so long but haven't had the courage to order...'cause you're worried the weave's so thin, your nipples might just go ahead and peek their little pink selves through. Isn't that right, Dr. Cox.
Dr. Cox: Oh I'm sorry here I was in my own lil world talking to myself and dreaming about candy bracelets
J.D.: I don't like candy bracelets. (to himself)I love them!

My Moment of Un-Truth [3.17][edit]

Elliot: Laverne, did you pull up Mr. Thompson's old charts?
Nurse Roberts: He was here like 8 years ago complaining of the same abdominal pain, but as soon as he was given his pain medication, he went A.M.A.
Elliot: So he just took the drugs and bolted?
Nurse Roberts: No... he took some towels too.

Elliot: Mr. Thompson, I was just taking a look at your old charts...
Dr. Kelso: Yes. He was just telling me that the last time he was here, the doctor couldn't diagnose him and just threw a bunch of painkillers at him instead.
Elliot: He did?
Mr. Thompson: I was so frustrated that I took off. But I have to say, with Dr. Reid here I know we'll finally get to the bottom of this. She is one terrific doctor.
Dr. Kelso: So this pain you're having is making you delusional?

His Story II [3.18][edit]

J.D.: Laverne, what would you give me if I got this jellybean in your cleavage?
Laverne: A concussion.

Carla: Christopher!
Turk: Christopher? You only call me that when you're mad at me... or when we're having sex. Baby, are you mad when we're having sex?
Carla: ...Sometimes.

My Choosiest Choice of All [3.19][edit]

Danni: Do you even enjoy spending time with me?
J.D.: "Enjoy" is such a strong word. I... I'm used to it! Y'know, like cafeteria food, or the constant threat of terrorism.

J.D.: [narration] There comes a time when every man needs to make a choice, whether it's a professional choice or whether it's a personal choice. In the end, it's about integrity, and it's about chasing after what you really want, even if that means showing you both care a little. And sometimes... well, sometimes you just have to do what's right for your friend, even if it means sacrificing your own happiness. When it comes down to it, you just have to be proud of the decision you make.

My Fault [3.20][edit]

Dr. Cox: Bob, I cannot believe you're going to turn this hospital into a money-making machine that coerces people into spending their hard-earned cash on expensive procedures they don't even need.
Dr. Kelso: Why not? It sounds like something I'd do.

[Turk and Carla are at a cake store, in search of one for their wedding.]
Turk: What's up with the white people on top?
Carla: Turk, they don't have tiny plastic interracial couples.
Baker: I'll just color it in with some chocolate frosting.
Turk: Oh, that's a great idea. Put 'em in blackface.
Carla: Turk!
Turk: What? [To baker] While you're at it, why don't you put a string in the back of him, so when you pull it he sings "Mammy"!
Baker: Forget it.
[The baker walks off to the back of his shop.]
Turk: Where're you going?! To the back of the bakery where you keep all the other colored cakes? I'ma call Jesse! And we gonna march on your ass!

My Self-Examination [3.21][edit]

[Jack starts crying during a fight between Dr. Cox and Jordan]
Jordan: Great, we made him cry. If we keep this up, we are gonna scar him for life!
Dr. Cox: I don't necessarily buy into all that New Age-y crap. I once saw my mom knock my dad unconscious with a frying pan. You know what I did? Kept right on going with my birthday party!

Turk: Carla, when I look in your eyes I see the future. I see kids. I see minivans. You name it, I see it. The weird thing is, as long as I see your smile, none of that stuff scares me.

[The camera zooms out to show Turk standing in a jacket, shirt and underwear]
Turk: Stop saying Baby
[Carla's brother comes in]
Carla's brother: You're not even dressed yet. We gotta pick Carla up on the way man.
Turk:Look tell her I couldn't come up with anything so the weddings off.
Carla's Brother:Give me that.
[he takes the notepad off Turk]
Turk: What are you gonna do?
Carla's Brother: I'm gonna write your vows for you

Janitor: That was a mistake
Dr Cox: Why's that. You're afraid you can't take me?
Janitor: No it's because of this. Boys
[The other Janitors appear and two lift dr Cox off the air]
Janitor:You know where to take him.
Dr cox: Take me? Who's taking me where? Maintenance? Maintenance? Oh I know your names now. The maintenance brothers.

J.D: (narrating: it came clear that i needed to discuss my problem with someone.
[he opens a door and a man with a bare chest answers the door]
J.D: O.K not him.

Carla: You just said you didn't care. Why are you fighting?
Dr Cox: I can't stop

[J.D opens a door in a morgue and sees Dr Cox
J.D: What the?
[He takes the tape off Perry's mouth}
Dr Cox: Sheila
J.D: [startled] Argh
[He put the tape back on Perry's mouth]
Dr. Cox: [muffled] Let me out or I'll kill you.
J.D: I casn only assume you're saying "Let me out or I'm going to kill you." Not gonna happen. Listen I'm in a rare position of power here okay so I'll only let you out if you're my mentor.
[Perry screams are muffled through the tape]
J.D: I know. I know it makes you like that but...
[Perry rips the tape off his wrists]
J.D: [thinking] Uh Oh.
[Perry grabs J.D's neck]
J.D: O.K O.K I'm happy the other way whatever you want.
[Dr Cox brings JD. down on the table]
J.D: Argh

My Best Friend's Wedding [3.22][edit]

[Carla's wedding has gone disasterously wrong]
Carla: Ever since I was a little girl, I had this fairytale idea about the perfect wedding. And, oh yeah, I always ended up married.
Dr. Cox: Marriage is overrated. Jordan and I aren't married, and we're getting along great.
Jordan: Per, is making out with a stranger cheating?
Dr. Cox: Technically, not if it's under 10 seconds, dear.
Jordan: Eh, not worth it!

Dr. Kelso: [Drunk] Dr. Turkleton!
Turk: Actually sir, it's just Turk.
Dr. Kelso: That's your first name.
Turk: You think my name is Turk Turkleton?
Dr. Kelso: [Carla walks up] And Mrs. Turkleton! The Turkletons! [chuckles; leaves to find bartender] Can I get another Scotch?

Season 4[edit]

My Old Friend's New Friend [4.01][edit]

It's J.D.'s last week of residency]
J.D.: [to Dr. Cox] C'mon, man, it's our last week together! The J.D. and Cox train is pulling into the station! You must have a metaphor you want to use. Hit me with it.
Dr. Cox: I suppose I could riff on a list of things I care as little about as our last week together. Let me see. Low-carb diets. Michael Moore. The Republican National Convention. Kabbalah and all Kabbalah-related products. Hi-def TV. Wireless hotspots. The Bush daughters. The O.C. The U.N. Getting Punk'd. Danny Gans. The Latin Grammys. The real Grammys. Jeff, that Wiggle who sleeps too darn much. The Yankees' payroll. All the red states. All the blue states. Every hybrid car. Every talk show host. Everything on the planet. Everything in the solar system. Everything-everything-everything-everything that exists, past, present and future, in all discovered and undiscovered dimensions. Oh... and Hugh Jackman! [leaves]
J.D.: Hugh Jackman is Wolverine! How dare he!

Dr. Cox: Newbie, do you want me to give my "things I don't care about" speech again? Because I've updated it to include all white guys who add -izzle to anything.
J.D.: I agrizzle, my nizzle.

My Office [4.02][edit]

[Dr. Cox has just made Elliot Chief Resident, passing J.D. over; J.D. does not take the news well.]
Dr. Cox: Newbie, how you doing?
J.D.: [voiceover] OK, keep it together. It's "be a man" time. [out loud, barely holding together] No, it's fine. You went with your gut. Elliot's a great doctor. I do have three questions, though. [hysterically] Why do you hate me when I show you nothing but love?! Who's going to tell my mom?! And what the hell am I supposed to do with ten thousand "John Dorian, Chief Resident" business cards?! [Falls to his knees, throwing business cards everywhere]
Dr. Cox: Yeah, Scarlet, you're chief resident too.
J.D.: Uh, what now?
Dr. Cox: Well, I figure with her being ridiculously book-smart to the point where she has almost no interpersonal skills, and you being warm and cuddly as an un-potty trained labradoodle, and about as useful in high-stress medical situations as an un-potty trained labradoodle, together, the two of you make one barely passable doctor...-slash-labradoodle.
J.D.: So wait, why didn't you just say that in the first place?
Dr. Cox: What, and miss your hall-of-fame hissy? Not on your life.

Dr. Kelso: So what do you think?
Dr. Cox: Well, Bob, either this kid's got a light bulb up his butt, or his colon has a great idea.

My New Game [4.03][edit]

Molly Clock: I think, as a psychiatrist, I should be there when Ms. Myers' bandages get removed. I mean, the accident was traumatic enough, but with reconstructive facial surgey on top of that? In my professional opinion: yikes!
Dr. Cox: Well, if you are coming in, I might just go ahead and phone up my pool man and my architect so we populate the room with just as many useless people as possible.
Molly Clock: Great! My mom's in town, should I call her?
[Dr. Cox makes a face and walks off]
Carla: [laughing] That was good.

Dr. Cox: You know what? I've got a son, I don't fantasize about Jordan dying as much anymore, and, even though it wasn't planned, I'm actually pretty happy about the way this whole marriage thing has worked out. Sooo, would you please stop your chirping and step away from my personal life?

My First Kill [4.04][edit]

J.D: [narration] ...That's why it's always nice when someone takes the time to reach out and befriend you.
New Doctor: [Approaching from behind a wall] Hey! I'm Ron, I'm a new doctor here.
J.D: Hey Ron, the "I don't care" ward's down there.

[J.D. is asking people at the hospital if they've ever unintentionally killed a patient]
Turk: Remember my first year, Mr. Quinn?
Elliot: Mrs. Kahn, my second year.
Doug: Mr. Studabaker, forty minutes into my first day.
Kelso: I've been a doctor for thirty years. What do you think?
Doug: On my third day there was Mr. Kirschner.
Todd: Jenny Roth about eight weeks ago. It was really tough, because she was hot.
Doug: Then later that third day... [his beeper goes off] Oh boy, that can't be good.
Dr. Cox: No, newbie, I've not killed. But I happen to be, as always, the exception that proves the rule. So right about now you gotta be asking yourself: do you think you're that good?

Her Story [4.05][edit]

J.D.: [narration] Even though I was already an amazing doctor, when I became chief resident I decided to add a little something extra to my repertoire. A hook, if you will.
[J.D. approaches the bed of a female patient, holding a handheld tape recorder]
J.D.: [into recorder] Mrs. McCullum, forties. Moderately attractive, condition improving.
Mrs. McCullum: Did you just say I was moderately attractive?
J.D.: Excuse me, Mrs. McCullum. [into recorder] Patient's complaint of hearing loss was clearly just to get attention.

[J.D. has just regained his residents' respect]
J.D.: Lonnie, slap your face!
[Lonnie does so]
J.D.: All of you, slap your faces!
[All the residents slap their own faces]
J.D.: Awesome.

My Cake [4.06][edit]

[Dan greets J.D. with cake,a family tradition for bearing bad news]
J.D.: What happened?
Dan: What, a guy can't take three days off work, travel 800 miles on a bus with a double-layer fudge cake just to say "hey, how are things?"
J.D.: Dan.
Dan: ...Dad died.
J.D.: ...There's ice cream in the fridge.

Dr. Cox: Let's break down the kid's support system, shall we? He's got me, an emotionally crippled narcissist, and he's got you, an emotionally crippled narcissist who is soaking in a tub of what by now has to be mostly your own urine.
Dan: I believe the ratio has shifted that way, yes.
Dr. Cox: And I have got to believe that the two of us, together—together, Dan—we can make it at least half-way to one legitimate adult.

My Common Enemy [4.07][edit]

Molly: Perry, no one's pure evil! I mean, yeah, some people have a hard outer shell, but inside, everybody has a creamy center.
Dr. Cox: There are plenty of people here on this particular planet who are hard on the outside and hard on the inside.
Molly: So they'd have more of a nougaty center?
Dr. Cox: Lady, people aren't chocolates. D'you know what they are mostly? Bastards. Bastard-coated bastards with a bastard filling. But I don't find them half as annoying as I find naive bubble-headed optimists who walk around vomiting sunshine.
Molly: [Rubs his stomach] I'm touching your creamy center!
[She leaves; J.D. enters the hallway behind Dr. Cox]
Dr. Cox: Ohh, I am... so very angry... that I'm going to find someone to kill...just to prove her wrong.
[J.D. turns around and flees]

Dr. Cox: Bob, do you realize what you did by giving Blondie that book?
Dr. Kelso: With any luck, I kept her from reporting me to the board for trying to con her out of meds.
Dr. Cox: Thanks to your little gesture, she actually believes that the earth is full of people who, deep down, are filled with kindness and caring!
Dr. Kelso: Well, that's absurd. People are bastard-coated bastards with a bastard filling.
Dr. Cox: Exactly!

My Last Chance [4.08][edit]

Molly: I'm sorry, I'm attracted to damaged, dysfunctional people and you're just too normal.
J.D.: [narration] Sometimes all it takes is a slammin' hottie to make you dig down deep and discover who you really are.
J.D.: My emotional journey began at five years old when I walked in on my parents having sex in a position my father would later playfully describe as "the jackhammer." I have a mentor that verbally abuses me every chance he gets and no matter how much I try I can't stop constantly narrating my own life.
J.D.: [narration] At that very moment I feared I had divulged too much.
J.D.: Molly, I'm narcissistic, I'm pessimistic, I'm obsessive, I'm insecure and I am so afraid of intimacy that every one of my relationships is a journey of self-sabotage that inevitably ends in a black vacuum of shattered expectations and despair.
Molly: Wow. [kisses J.D.]

[The Janitor kicks J.D. out of his van into the desert]
J.D.: What are you doing?!
The Janitor: It's been four years! How do you not get how this works?!
[The Janitor drives off leaving J.D.]

My Malpractical Decision [4.09][edit]

J.D.: [narration] Wait, is she into me? Quick, make a bad joke and see if she laughs. [to Neena] Did you hear the one about the skeleton who couldn't go to the party? He had no body to go with.
Neena Broderick: [laughs] That's really funny.
J.D.: [narration] Well, that's not a fair test, that joke's hilarious.

J.D.: Dr. Cox, I'd like to take this one.
Dr. Cox: Go ahead.
J.D.: [greeting a patient] Mr. Steel, first name, Man of.
Dr. Cox: And you're done.

Dr. Cox: Oh, my God! I'm gagging and vomiting at the same time. I'm... I'm gavomiting!

Dr. Cox (to J.D.): Can I ask you a personal question? Just how long has it been since you swept the stuffed animals off of your bed, thrown your ankles up in the air and thanked whatever god you pray to that you didn't have on your granny panties?

Dr. Kelso: Shore it up, people. Neena Broderick's in the building.
Ted (yelling): WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!
J.D. (narrating): As tactless as it was to yell that in a room of very sick people, Ted had a point.

Turk: J.D., big news! Guess what my new cell phone number spells!
J.D.: Why'd you get a new cell phone number? Your old number spelled "kufunninapuh."
Turk: Yeah, well this one's 916-CALL-TURK. Yeah, so now all you gotta do is call Turk!
J.D.: How'm I supposed to remember that? I'm begging you, stick with "kufunninapuh"!

Elliot: Carla, when I became Chief Resident, I wrote a pledge to myself. And do you know what it said?
Carla: Mm-mm?
Elliot: It said "Dance like nobody is watching." Which I do, constantly... in my living room, with the shades closed just in case somebody is watching. But it also said not to hide problems away.

Dr. Kelso: Shake this place up! And for God's sakes, get Murphy out of here!
Carla: Don't worry, Doug, you're a good doctor.
Doug: I know! (turns around and accidentally jolts Carla with the defibrilator paddles)

Dr. Cox (to Neena): Okay, missy. Knowing damn sure that you'll sue us if the slightest thing should go wrong with this elective procedure, we're gonna go ahead and elect not to do it.
Neena: You can't do that.
Dr. Cox: Really? Bob?
Dr. Kelso: Hospitals can refuse treatment on a non-emergency patient. Here's a list of places we can refer you to. Thanks for playing.

Elliot: Yeah, and Kelso wants me to keep hiding Doug until that attorney leaves. Isn't that ridiculous?
Carla: Elliot, the man tried to electrocute me an hour ago. All I care about is whether or not this twitch goes away. You should take Doug down to the morgue. The worst he could do there is bring somebody back to life!

J.D. (to Dr. Cox): Listen, I know you hate everything about Miss Broderick, but her father is in need of medical care, and it is our medical obligation to treat him, whether his daughter is a murderer, a drug addict, or a terrorist.
Dr. Cox: I know, but a lawyer?
J.D.: Even a lawyer.

Carla (to Janitor): Hey, Night School! Mr. Corman followed us home last night!
Turk: How'd you get my cell phone number?
Janitor: Ehh, once you got somebody's driver's license and a urine sample, you get just about anything. How do you flunk 8th grade gym?
Carla: You better stop messing with my husband.
Janitor: You.. tell him to stop messing with my walls!
Carla (glares at Turk): You did this?
Turk: Baby, you know you're my world.
Carla: I'm out. (leaves)
Janitor: I flunked gym, too. Didn't like the shorts.

Mr. Corman (to Neena): Your father's gonna be just fine. The place is top-notch! I practically live here!
Neena: Are you a doctor?
Mr. Corman: Massive hypochondriac. If you'll excuse me, I have to go harass a surgeon.

J.D.: How do I decide if we should do the procedure or not?
Elliot: How do I tell someone he shouldn't be a doctor?
Turk: How do I get my patient to stop stalking me?
Patient (thinking): How do I get these people to realize that just because I'm in a coma doesn't mean I can't hear them?... I'm hungry.

J.D.: Turk, the way I see it, you got 2 options: You can go hard-core with Mr. Corman; slap a restraining order on him and switch him to another doctor...
Turk: Guy's a pain in the ass, but I can't do that to him!
Elliot: Then you just have to re-establish your boundaries and wean him off the home visits. It's easy. 'Course, you'll definitely have to change your cell phone number.
(Scene cuts to Turk and Mr. Corman)
Turk: Mr. Corman, I filed a restraining order.

Turk (on answering machine to J.D.): Dude! Mr. Corman is suing me! And that ice princess is his attorney! When did he get a chance to meet her?! What am I gonna do? Call Turk as soon as you get this!

My Female Trouble [4.10][edit]

Carla: J.D., how could you do this to Turk? You guys are so close I occasionally have nightmares of you running away together!
J.D.: Where do we go?
Turk: One time we went to Aspen.
J.D.: Oh, I hope it was summer. I'm not that big a skier.

Neena Broderick: Mr. Corman is contending that the shoulder surgery he received ruined his tennis serve. I'm going to start by asking Dr. Turk if his diabetes could have affected his performance in any way.
Dr. Kelso: [to Turk] You're a diabetic?
Turk: Yes. I told you that.
Dr. Kelso: I thought you were joking!
Turk: How is that funny?
Dr. Kelso: Well, it's a very serious disease, and I don't like you!

Turk (to J.D.): I want you to stop seeing her.
J.D.: Fine. But I'm only ending it because friends come first.
Carla: Plus, you already had sex with her.
J.D.: 4 and a half times!

Dr. Cox (to Elliot): Barbie, the guy's a sexist pig. He's gonna eat you alive.
Elliot: Look, I'm not the same doctor I was four years ago. I'm smarter, I'm more confident...
Dr. Cox: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Just skip the rest of your "I'll show you speech" and just walk away in a huff. I'm very busy. Thank you!

Dr. Cox: Life is pointless, Gandhi, and I'm gonna let you in on a little secret. The only thing more pointless than life itself is being a doctor. I mean, bottom line, you spend 8 years and 200 G's trying to get through med school and what do you have to show for it? I'll tell ya. A diploma on your wall, and a bullseye on your back.

Carla: (to Mr. Corman) Here's what's going to happen. You're going to drop this lawsuit because it's wrong and you know it. But also because if you don't, I'm going to pound the plaid right off that shirt and make it so that the only way you'll be able to eat pie is through a straw!

Carla: Christopher Duncan Turk, you tell him how you really feel, just like you told me last night, or I will do it for you. (imitates Turk) "Baby! Why does he hurt me so bad?"

Neena: So should we start this deposition, or do you boys just want to hand us a big bag of money?
Mr. Corman: Big bag of money...
Turk: You aren't going to freeze up around her again, are you, Ted?
Ted: No chance. I'm drugged up. Plus, if I concentrate, I think I can control the excessive flop sweat I get the second she speaks!

J.D. (narrating): No matter how much we like to pretend otherwise, strong confident women will always have the power over us. Whether they're fighting for respect, fighting for their man, or even just fighting for the hell of it. Strong women make all guys feel the same way.

My Unicorn [4.11][edit]

Murry: [to his father] ...If you need a kidney you can have mine... for $70,000.
Dr. Cox: I love this moment so much, I want to have sex with it.

Dr. Cox: The good news is that, Murry and his dad are a match, kidney wise. The better news is that the test revealed a little secret that you're gonna wanna share with your new pal. Gregory isn't Murry's biological father! By the by, this moment is so great, I'd cheat on that other moment from before, marry this one, and raise a family of tiny, little moments.

J.D.: Hey I just wanted to take a second to thank you, For constantly berating me doubting my abilities and the overall devastation of my self-esteem.
Dr. Cox: My pleasure.

J.D. (narrating): I couldn't decide whether I should tell Murray his dad wasn't his dad. Luckily hospitals are full of supportive colleagues eager to help.
Dr. Kelso: Go tell that little bastard this second before he coughs a kidney up to his fake father and sues this hospital. Write that down in your little unicorn book.
J.D.: It's not a unicorn, it's a horse with a sword on its head!
The Unicorn: You know I'm a unicorn, why can't you just say it?

Mr. Marks (to J.D.): Hey, I bought you a present.
J.D.: Oh, my God, a journal!
Mr. Marks: Well, you seem like the kind of sensitive young buck that likes to chronicle his feelings.
J.D. (narrating): I can't wait to chronicle this one!

Elliot (to a cafeteria worker): Do you have chocolate cake today?
Cafeteria Worker: Nope.
Elliot: Oh. Isn't that just the pickle on the giant crap sandwich that is my day!
Turk: Elliot, relax; I never get chocolate cake.
Elliot: Oh, right, 'cause you're diabetic. Boo-hoo! You know what, Turk, if you want sympathy, get a disease people can see!

Murray (to J.D.): Look, you obviously have some issues with your own father that you're projecting onto me, so why don't you go ahead and give him a jingle?
J.D. : He's dead.
Murray: Good stuff!
J.D. : No I'm serious.
Murray: Classic!
J.D. : He had like a massive heart attack.
Murray: I'm sorry for your loss.

J.D. (narrating): Make the flesh and blood argument again, but in a different way.
J.D.: Blood and flesh, Murray.
Murray: I'll do it.
J.D. (narrating): Jackpot!

Elliot: I have been kicking ass lately, but this place is such a boys' club, I still can't even get x-rays or lab tests back on time.
Carla: Hey, Elliot, if you're desperate to get things done, you could always do what Jordan does.
Jordan (to the security guard): Could you move my car out of the sun? If the seat gets too hot, my thighs get all pink and sweaty.
(The security guard grabs the keys and speeds off)
Jordan: Yeah. Bye-bye, security guard.
Elliot: Hm. Very classy.
Jordan: Don't judge me, stick. You do what you have to do to level the playing field.
Elliot: Well, Carla and I would never behave that way.
Carla (holding a plate of chocolate cake): Thank you.
Elliot: How'd you get chocolate cake? He said they didn't have any!
Carla: Oh. I just did like this (thrusts her cleavage) and said, "Got cake?"

J.D. (to Dr. Cox) : Anyway, know Mr. Marks? He said he doesn't have any family to be a kidney donor? But he's got a son! We gotta find this guy!
Dr. Cox: Look, Newbie, there are times a man wants to keep something to himself. Like, say, he's got a son. Or he's 29 years old and keeps a journal with a unicorn drawn on the cover?
J.D. : Ah, that's a horse with a sword on his head, and he's there to guard my hopes and dreams.

Turk (to Carla): You will not turn Elliot into some flirtatious manipulator. I mean, don't get me wrong, outside the hospital, Elliot with her hair up is a slammin' hottie. But in here, she's an asexual mess. And that's the natural order of things. And you don't mess with the natural order!

Elliot: Okay, so I tried to get some x-rays back from the lab tech by making a kissy face, and he asked me if I had palsy!
Jordan: Elliot, if you want to get ahead, you have to use what God gave ya!
Carla: Or in your case, what Dr. Fineberg gave you.
Jordan: Exactly!

Turk (to Carla): You have created a monster. Elliot did a little tongue dance in Franklyn's ear just to get him to do her labs before mine.
Carla: So she used her femininity! The only reason you usually get your lab-work back so fast is because you always pick Franklyn to play basketball even though he always shoots his foul shots granny-style.

Elliot: Oh, I'll just be a sec. Dave, can I get an orange soda? I'm so hot and thirsty.
Dave: It's on me. (gives Elliot the orange soda)
Interviewer: I'd like an orange soda too.
Dave: Oh, I'm sorry, that was the last one. How sad.

Carla: Okay! I put interview guy in the lounge and told him that Elliot was with a patient. Now. How we gonna fix this thing?
Janitor: You're okay. The guy wanted an orange soda, right? We bring him an orange soda, maybe the whole thing goes away.
Carla: Okay, here's the plan: Jordan and I will take care of interview guy. Soft-Scrub, you can do whatever the hell you want.
Janitor: I will.

Dr. Cox (to Mr. Marks about J.D.): Boy, tell me about it. You know, I got this kid who constantly ignores my advice, and then flashes me the sad doe eyes every time I call him a girl's name or scream in his face.
Mr. Marks: Do you wanna sing about him?
Dr. Cox: No. Not ever.

J.D. (to Murray): Sometimes Dr. Cox is all over me, like every second of my life.
Murray: Why do you keep talking about your boss like he's your father?
J.D.: Remember? Recently deceased dad?
Murray: Massive heart attack!
J.D. : Yes! I mean, yes.

Carla: Elliot, wait! Elliot, you did your flirty manipulation thing in front of that guy in there, and now, well, he kinda thinks you're this despicable floozy ho excuse for a doctor!

Janitor (to the interviewer: Hey, buddy. I need you to reconsider Blonde Doctor. And I'm gonna tell you why. See, I'm the future Mr. Blonde Doctor? And I kinda need this to happen so that I can, uh... hey, over here. I need this to happen so that I can just hang out around the house and, you know, bake bread or... gab across the fence with neighbor Marge. Nice lady. Polish, I think. Doesn't matter, I'm not prejudiced.
Interviewer: What the hell are you talking about?
Janitor: Here's the thing: I need you to take this can of orange soda, turn, smile, and give Blonde Doctor a big thumb's up! Or, I'm gonna take the same orange soda, follow you down to the parking lot, and smash your head in with it.

My Best Moment [4.12][edit]

Elliot: Yeah, I'm not that great with kids. They've got such tiny hands. It's creepy.

Dr. Cox: Carla, have you seen Newbie?
Carla: Oh, he got off your leash?
Dr. Cox: Give me a break. The kid's like.... have you ever seen a drunk baby? It's a long story, involving my son, a rum cake, and a low counter. Suffice to say that it turns out at first it's endearing to watch them bounce of the walls, but man, you take your eyes off them for one second and bam! They've got a bucket on their head and they're plowing through your brand new flat screen TV. God save me, it was barely out of the box. The point is that Newbie is my drunk baby.

My Ocardial Infarction [4.13][edit]

J.D.: Elliot, if you need any help, just ask Dr. Diagnosis. You can be my sidekick! Bangs McCoy!

Dr. Cox: Saaaay... that was some real Nancy Drew work there... Nancy. I mean, absolutely irrelevant as far as medicine goes, but damn amusing!
J.D.: Don't feel weird because you're threatened by my gift. Many are.
Dr. Cox: Did you somehow think that you weren't annoying enough without adding a delusional sense of grandeur? Because I promise you, you ARE annoying enough. In fact, you're the number one contender for the Middleweight Annoyance Crown.
J.D.: Well, you're the number one jealous weight for the jealous... weight jealous... champ.
J.D.: You are a close second!

My Lucky Charm [4.14][edit]

Dr. Cox: Well?
Jordan: It's blue. I'm not pregnant.
Dr. Cox: Ohh.
Jordan: You know what's weird? I'm relieved, I just feel... kinda sad, because I think about how beautiful our son is and I... kinda wish it had gone the other way, you know? [She notices Cox is no longer there.] Sweetie?
[Cut to Cox running down the middle of a busy road, deliriously happy.]

Turk: [as a leprechaun] Top o' the mizzle to ya, me nizzles!

My Hypocritical Oath [4.15][edit]

Kylie: I'm getting my Masters in Political Science.
J.D.: I love politics, ask me anything. [narration] What are you doing? You don't know anything about politics. You're screwed unless she asks about Bush or the bald assistant president who has all those heart attacks.

[Turk is sitting on a counter, waiting for Carla and holding her purse.]
Dr. Kelso: What in the hell are you doing?
Turk: I get to have sex!
Dr. Kelso: I hate this place.

Turk: Dude, the only difference between a black girl and a white girl is that when a black girl asks you if her ass looks big, you say, "Hell yeah!"

My Quarantine [4.16][edit]

Danni: Hey, grouchy pants! Do you wanna hang out?
Dr. Cox: Does "hang out" mean choke you?

Dr. Cox: So, Nurse Ghandirella, I need you to suction this guy, do a wet-to-dry dressing change, and, oh, what the hell, go ahead and top him off with one of your special, special sponge baths. Happy ending optional; his choice, not yours.
Turk: This guy's in a coma.
Dr. Cox: Not all of him.

My Life in Four Cameras [4.17][edit]


Dr. Cox: Jordan, your only skill is illegal in 26 states.
Jordan: It's 27. Arkansas buckled.

My Roommates [4.18][edit]

J.D.: I can't believe Turk and Carla are kicking me out.
Elliot: Mm. When I was fifteen, my parents threatened to do the same thing, so I called them on it.
J.D.: They let you stay?
Elliot: Nope. I lived with the Babcocks for two years. I didn't have a lot of rules, though, because they were really old and they thought I was a ghost.

Ron: So, why do you wanna baby-sit my kid? You think I can't handle my own kid?
Dr. Cox: No, that's not it at all. I think you're great with your kid. You're fantastic with your kid. In fact, in fact if you want, you can baby-sit my kid.
Ron: Are we really doing this? 'Cause I'll baby-sit the hell outta your kid.
Dr. Cox: Oh, bring it on, daddy.

My Best Laid Plans [4.19][edit]

Carla: [frantic] Turk! If you can't remember to put the cap on the toothpaste how are we going to raise our children? You know what? I'm going to stay with my sister!

Molly: You know, they make thongs specifically for low-riders now.
Elliot: They don't work for me. I still can't sit down without showing the whole world the crack of my ass. The other night, some guy tried to put a pen in it.
J.D.: [narration] "Some guy"... I never get credit for anything!

My Boss's Free Haircut [4.20][edit]

J.D.: Why can't Carla just let this go?
Elliot: Wouldn't you be mad if you caught your husband talking to his ex-girlfriend?
J.D.: Yeah... but mostly because I had a husband.

Dr. Kelso: Perry, you just go right ahead and say what you want, cause Dr. Bob Kelso is back in action and he hasn't missed a step. Now, where do we keep the sick people?

Dr. Kelso: Nothing in this world, that's worth having comes easy

My Lips Are Sealed [4.21][edit]

Turk: Check out what I found when I was takin' out the trash! [Shown wearing a top hat]
J.D.: That is the most ridiculous hat I have ever seen. [voiceover] And I must have it!

My Big Move [4.22][edit]

Dr. Cox: I need your help.
Elliot: Fine, but I have three rules. One, when we're in the room you say nothing. Two, I get to say whatever I want about you. And three, if you break rule one or two, I get to boing your curls.
Dr. Cox: What the hell does "boing" mean?
Elliot: [pulling on one of Dr. Cox's curls and releasing it] Booiinnng.
Dr. Cox: Oh God—this is gonna kill me.

Elliot: How is it that no man understands that every woman, whether she's sixteen or sixty, still has that awkward, insecure, self-conscious teenage girl inside of her?

My Faith In Humanity [4.23][edit]

Jake: [to J.D., about Elliot] That girl's kinda cute, what's her story?
J.D.: She's a dude.
Jake: Yeah, huh.
J.D.: Gotta look at the Adam's apple, buddy.

Carla: [about Dr. Cox, in his presence] Elliot, do you see the problem with trying to appeal to its human side?
Elliot: He doesn't have one.
Carla: Exactly! But what does he have?
Elliot: A shaved chest, a closetful of tiny tee shirts, and the eyes of a madman.
Cox: Ohh! I'm sorry! The correct answer she was looking for is a giant ego! I have a giant ego!

My Drive-By [4.24][edit]

J.D.: Look, Elliot, I've got my own problems. I don't have time to deal with your little sex pickle.
Dr. Kelso: [passing by in his Rascal motor-chair] Really? She spent two years dealing with yours.
J.D.: I hate that thing!

[Elliot and Jake are about to sleep together for the first time]
Elliot: I don't think we're going too fast at all. By the way, what do you do?
Jake: I make and distribute Hungarian pornography.
Elliot: [horrified] Ohh....
Jake: I'm a real estate developer.
Elliot: Oh, thank God!

My Changing Ways [4.25][edit]

Dr. Kelso: Perry, I get the feeling something is bothering you.
Dr. Cox: Bob, people have a private life and a professional life, and usually those two hells are kept pretty separate. For instance, I don't know that much about your home life other than the fact that you treat your wife like a dog, your dog like a wife, and your son like an androgynous ne'er-do-well who drained your retirement nest egg to open up a yarn shop in Minneapolis.
Dr. Kelso: Harrison posted his first profit this quarter.
Dr. Cox: Aces. And I'm guessing that's because his significant other...
Dr. Kelso: Terence.
Dr. Cox: ...Terence, doesn't follow him around the shop all day telling him just exactly what color is "in" this season or showing all the other employees that he is not in fact the boss of his own life. You see, the woman is everywhere. She's there when I work out in the morning, when I work out in the car on the way to work, and when I work out when I get to work. I can't seem to get away from her. That used to be fine, when she just came by for five minutes every month or so to feed on my dignity, but now I'd honestly kill myself, Bob, if I weren't absolutely certain that Jordan would be waiting for me in the afterlife. You see, typical of her, she went ahead and signed us up for an eternal tandem bike ride all along the banks of the River Styx.
Dr. Kelso: I'm so glad you shared.

J.D.: [narration] Maybe I was being unfair to Turk. Maybe it's too much to expect a friend to just sense that you're upset and wanna talk about it. [turns corner in the hallway to where Elliot and Carla are talking]
Elliot: Carla, I can sense that you're upset. Talk to me!
J.D.: [narration] OK, but Turk's a prideful guy, and it's hard for prideful guys to admit when they've been insensitive. [turns corner in the hallway to where Dr. Cox and Jordan are talking]
Dr. Cox: Listen, Jordan, I've been incredibly insensitive.
J.D.: [narration] Touché, magic hallway!

Season 5[edit]

My Intern's Eyes [5.01][edit]

J.D.: Listen, if you're having trouble finding a vein for an IV, please don't page me. If you're desperate, we're lucky: this is a city hospital, there are plenty of heroin addicts who are quite adept at this.

J.D.: Jason, when you're filling out a female patient's exam report, her breasts can be "healthy" or "unhealthy," but never "bangin' double-Ds."

My Rite of Passage [5.02][edit]

[J.D. enters as Turk is washing up]
J.D.: Hey Turk, I'm gonna go across the street and get some coffee. You want one?
Turk: Get me a small one-pump mocha.
J.D.: [voiceover] The perfect set-up to a joke, but no one's around to hear!
[He hefts Turk over his shoulder and carries him out, through the halls, and downstairs.]
Turk: Whoa! Dude! Noooooo! Dude!
[J.D. plunks Turk down in front of Dr. Cox]
J.D.: So what did you want me to get you?
Turk: A small one-pump mocha?
J.D.: Wasn't that your nickname in high school? Helloooooo!
Turk: Dude, there's a guy upstairs waiting to have his spleen removed!
J.D.: It was worth it!

Turk: [To Dr.Cox] Get off my back. I'm not in the mood.
[He hefts Turk over his shoulder and carries him out to Carla, who's sitting at a bar.]
J.D: Say that again.
Turk: Get off my back. I'm not in the mood.
J.D: That's what she said! [points to Carla] Zoom ZOOM zoom!

My Day at the Races [5.03][edit]

Carla: J.D., you have to get out! This place is tiny and I'm sick of seeing your man-panties hanging all over the bathroom.
J.D.: They're called boxers, Carla.
Carla: They're satin, J.D.
J.D.: With a breathable cotton crotch panel. [voiceover] King me!

J.D.: Carla, at 6:41 tomorrow evening, I turn thirty. I have to find one thing on this list I can do by then.
Dr. Cox: Maybe you could swing by our parts department and pick up a pair of testes.
J.D.: Haven't you used that joke, like, a trillion times?
Dr. Cox: I'm okay with it.

My Jiggly Ball [5.04][edit]

Dr. Kelso: This Friday, I am receiving an award from the A.M.A.—
Dr. Cox: Jerk-Off of the Year. No, Bastard of the Year! Uh, don't you tell me! Guy I Despise So Much, I'd Pay Someone To Kill You and Stuff You and Leave You by my Bed, So That When I Wake Up in the Morning, I Could Roll Over and Punch You in the Face...of the Year.
Dr. Kelso: And we're back.

[J.D.'s hand is moving involuntarily after being pummeled during a game of "jiggly ball"]
J.D.: I think there's something wrong with my spine, because I'm not doing that.

My New God [5.05][edit]

J.D.: How'd you wind up with a born-again Christian for a sister?
Dr. Cox: Oh, I don't know. Could be that the TV was broken one day, so she picked up the Bible and thought it was just a darn good read. Or it could be our mother's ability to watch silently while our father drunkenly knocked us from room to room. What do you think there, Newbie?
J.D.: Uh, probably the "room to room" thing.

Carla: I can get mad, Turk, if you give me a little help.
Turk: If you had no hair, you'd look like Danny Devito.
Carla: Oh Turk, a little help.

My Missed Perception [5.06][edit]

[J.D. rode his six-year-old neighbor's tiny scooter to work]
Elliot: Ronald's gonna be mad.
J.D.: Yeah? He's six. What he gonna do, kick my ass? [voiceover] Again.

Carla: [to the Janitor] I want you to be in the staff picture.
[Janitor picks up and hugs a clearly terrified Carla]
Carla: I thought you were going to kill me.
Janitor: I fought the urge.

My Way Home [5.07][edit]

Carla: I just don't get what's so great about kids. I mean, "yay! you went poopie in the potty!" There's a monkey at the zoo that can do that... you know, when he's not playing with himself.
J.D.: So, don't have kids.
Carla: But I want to be a mom more than anything else in the world! I know it's crazy, but I'm a girl: it's how we roll.

Carla: Why aren't you freaking out? Look at him— your kid's, like, all green and slimy.
Dr. Cox: I suppose it's because when Jordan was pregnant, I mentally prepared myself for her giving birth to something green and slimy.

My Big Bird [5.08][edit]

Ted: Did you hear the lottery's up to $100,000,000? If I win, it's going to be separate beds for me and my mom!
Carla: And you could spend the other $99,999,000 on therapy.

[Elliot is caught kissing a young patient's father by Carla.]
Carla: Elliot, I can't believe you would do that.
Turk: What'd you do?
J.D.: Was it naughty?
Elliot: [to J.D. and Turk] You see, yesterday I went shoe shopping, and there was this one pair of...
J.D. and Turk: [looking off into space, to themselves] Shoe shopping.
Carla: [to Elliot] Great, we can talk. What were you thinking?
Elliot: So, we kissed. I've been treating his kid for a week now and we just hit it off, you know. It started off with some innocent flirting: "Hi, I'm Dr. Reid"... "Why is there blood in my son's stool?"...

My Half-Acre [5.09][edit]

[J.D. is set up on a blind date with a patient's niece]
J.D.: [Thinking] I gotta thank Mrs. Nichols for setting this up.
[A woman walks in, and is at least twice J.D.'s age]
J.D.: [Thinking] Oh, Mrs. Nichols, you blue-haired bitch.
[The woman walks away and a hot girl walks in]
J.D.: [Thinking] Oh, Mrs. Nichols, your new hip is on the house because this girl is amazing. And yet there is something so accessible about her, I wonder what it is?
[The girl collides with a server and flips a table over]
Julie: Oh, I'm gonna have the carrot cake.

J.D.: Morning, Elliot. By the way, Julie's here, but I'm not gonna kiss and tell.
Elliot: Oh, really, 'cause I just got your text. That said "Bone City."
J.D.: [acting surprised] Oh, really. That came through?

Her Story II [5.10][edit]

Carla: [narrating] And now his boyfriend will comfort him.
J.D: Don't listen to her Brown Bear, your body's fierce.
Turk: Is it?
J.D: Like Taye Diggs.
Turk: [to Carla] Taye. Diggs.

Turk: Look, Julie, I'm very protective of J.D., so it's gonna take a lot for you to win me over.
Julie: J.D. wanted me to introduce you to my godfather.
[Billy Dee Williams enters]
Williams: Julie's a great girl.
Turk: [momentary pause, then begins shrieking] AH-HA-HA-HA, Lando Calrissian! Come here.
[Hugs Williams]
Williams: [Laughing] You can call me Billy Dee.
Turk: Yes, Lando. Yes.

My Buddy's Booty [5.11][edit]

Elliot: J.D., I don't want to do this! Can't we just go home and put our PJ's on and watch Grey's Anatomy?
J.D.: Oh, I do love that show. It's like they've been watching our lives, and then just put it on TV!

[J.D. is angry that Elliot has told Keith personal things about him]
J.D. [to Elliot] You know, I am ashamed of you! Do you know how unbelievably petty it is to get that personal?
[The elevator opens, revealing the entire staff]
J.D.: Once when we were dating, Elliot asked me to urinate on her!
Elliot: [screeching] I'd been stung by a jellyfish!

My Cabbage [5.12][edit]

Cabbage: Dr. Dorian? Should the IV be leaking like this?
J.D.: Yes and no... Mostly no... In fact, pretty much all no. First you take a little nipper for yourself... [sips from leaking IV, dribbles some on Cabbage] Ah! Got some on you! That's some of the fun that you can have. No, but really, just watch and learn, Cabbage, watch and learn.
Cabbage: It's an honor to watch you work, sir.
J.D.: [absently] Take it all in, Cabbage, take it all in...

My Five Stages [5.13][edit]

Dr. Cox: Listen to me, Hedrick, I find your particular brand of psycho-babblery about as effective as fairy dust. If it were up to me, we never would have called you.
J.D.: [voiceover] "We"? Oh my God, it's finally happened - he's made us a team! [out loud] That's right, Hedrick, we don't need your help! We can handle things around here just fine! In fact, we are thinking about going into private practice together!
Dr. Cox: What?
J.D.: [voiceover] Easy, now is not the time to bring up the Dorian-Cox Clinic, much less the relocation to Jacksonville.

Dr. Cox: He seems strangely impervious to my threats. That annoys me.

My Own Personal Hell [5.14][edit]

Dr. Cox: And Gandheroo, I need you to talk to a young, pregnant black girl who will not let me call her mom.
Turk: Why would she listen to me?
Dr. Cox: I may have told her that you were Kanye West.
Turk: I'm actually alright with that.

Obnoxious Patient: Oh, breathe through your nose. You remind me of my bulldog.
Dr. Cox: You know, as a doctor, I rarely root for the disease, but with you I find myself cheering, "Go hypercalcemia with underlying MEN syndrome. Go, go, go, go!"
Obnoxious Patient: Do you drink out of the toilet? My bulldog drinks out of the toilet.

My Extra Mile [5.15][edit]

J.D.: Mr. Barry, I misplaced your chart, I forgot, what's wrong with you again? [looks at Mr. Barry] Oh, that's right, you have a kitty cat stuck in your mouth. Or should I say you have a person stuck around you, little guy. Goochie goochie.

J.D.: I'm hiding. I really don't want to be bald. I have a sneaking suspicion it won't work for me, I think it might accentuate my spoon-chest.
Dr. Cox: [grunts an affirmative]
J.D.: Plus, the girl I'm dating is totally into my hair.
Dr. Cox: She's gotta be interested in more than just your hair. [J.D. flashes back to the previous night]
Hair Girl: [smiling] If it weren't for your hair, I don't think I'd be remotely interested in you. [flashback ends]
J.D.: I'm sure there's something else she's into. [flashback again]
Hair Girl: No, there's nothing else. [flashback ends]
J.D.: There is, even if she won't admit it.

My Bright Idea [5.16][edit]

Carla: I just took a pregnancy test, just tell me when a minute's up.
Turk: I just put some pizza rolls on the microwave oven; the minute that bad boy rings we're good to go.
Carla: Oh, my god, I can't stand it, 30 more seconds.
Turk: OK baby, don't get too excited, they have to cool off for at least a minute.

My Chopped Liver [5.17][edit]

[Jordan and Elliot are in the cafeteria]
Jordan: You know, one of the reasons I divorced Perry was because of his last name.
Elliot: You don't like Cox?
Jordan: Actually, I love Cox.
The Todd: [walks up, knocks on table] Greatest conversation ever.
Jordan: See, that's the problem.
Woman: [offscreen] This sausage is huge!
The Todd: Excuse me ladies, I'm needed elsewhere.

Jordan: [to Elliot] Don't tell anyone I'm nice.

My New Suit [5.18][edit]

Carla: I'm not sure that suit works on you.
J.D.: Thanks for your opinion, Carla, [turning to the camera] but I'm much more interested in what you all think.
Lonnie: We don't love it.
J.D.: Well who cares, Lonnie, [turning to the camera again and pointing] because all that really matters is whether or not America loves it.
Americo: For the last time, it's Americo! And of course I love it, I made it!
J.D.: He's a dynamite tailor; not sure why he's here.

Dan Dorian: Life's actually pretty good: Mom lets me live in the attic, I'm driving Dad's old Plymouth Horizon and as I'm Chief Bartender, they let me take home half the extra chicken wings, thank you very much.
Dr. Cox: Say, Dan. Do you ever have to pinch yourself to make sure it's not all some crazy dream?

His Story III [5.19][edit]

Dr Cox: You're black? 'Cause last I checked you had a nerdy white best friend, you enjoy Neil Diamond, and you damn sure act like a black guy... and these, my friend, are all characteristics of white guys. Please understand, I'm a huge supporter of the NAACP. If you don't know what that stands for, it's the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People. And quite frankly, I always thought they should change the 'colored people' to 'African Americans' but then of course it wouldn't be the NAACP, it'd be the N quad A or NAAAA. And I know this probably sounds like a digression but actually brings me back to my original point... Do I think you're black? Naaaaaaaaa!

Janitor: Knock knock. Who's there? Nurse Mophead. Nurse Mophead who? You have a mophead.

My Lunch [5.20][edit]

Carla: I'm having a weird pregnancy craving. Hey, J.D., if you go out, would you get me a hot Italian sausage?
The Todd: I've got a hot Italian sausage for you, right here!
[blank stares, head shakes]
The Todd: People think I just walk into these situations, but it's really a lot of hard work. You know what else is hard? ...I should go.
J.D.: I think I may vomit.

Jill Tracy: I know he wasn't here yesterday. But I thought maybe he got the day wrong and he'd be here today with roses. Is that sad?
J.D.: It's not not sad.

My Fallen Idol [5.21][edit]

Carla: Now Dr. Cox needs our help getting through this. Jordan can watch him in the morning and at night, but she's got Jack, plus... she's not that emotionally available.
Jordan: [cheerfully] I'm dead inside!

J.D.: You probably wondered why I didn't show up before, huh? I know you wanted me to, even though you'd never admit it. Normally I would kill to get into this apartment, and you'd try and keep me out... I say "try", because at your Super-Bowl party, which I was not invited to, I was lucky enough to be able to watch the second half from right over there. I was the bearded Dominoe's employee you invited in because I said I was a fan of Jerome Bettis, whoever the hell that is. Anyway, I tried to convince myself the reason I didn't come earlier was because of you coming into work drunk; but that's not it. I was scared. I guess after all this time I still think of you as like this superhero that'll help me out of any situation I'm in. I needed that. But that's my problem, you know, and I'll deal with that. I guess I came over here to tell you how proud of you I am. Not because you did the best you could for those patients; but because after twenty years of being a doctor, when things go badly you still take it this hard. And I gotta tell you man, I mean... that's the kind of doctor I want to be. [pours himself a drink]
J.D.: [narration] Maybe he just needed time to heal, or maybe he just needed to see how much everybody cared, but I'd like to believe it was because of me that he was finally able to say this:
Dr. Cox: [sees J.D. taking a sip] You don't drink scotch.
J.D.: [spits it back into the glass] That's awful.

My Déjà vu, My Déjà vu [5.22][edit]

Dr. Cox: Barbie why did you order this test? For the love of God, are you a real doctor or a doctor like Dr. Pepper is a doctor? Hmmm?

Janitor: Okay, two coins add up to 30 cents, no nickels. I could swear we've done this before. C'mon man, you went to Harvard for god's sake.
Troy: Relax! I figured it out.
Janitor: A penny, and... a button, that you wrote '29 cents' on. Think I don't recognize your handwriting?
Troy: Can't we just kill him?
Janitor: No. No, Troy, that's what he wants us to do.

My Urologist [5.23][edit]

Carla: Remember when I first started dating Turk and I wanted to bail on him because he cried at the end of sex?
Turk: [alarmed] Baby!
J.D.: [to Turk] Relax, Brown Bear, there's no shame in cry-maxing.

Kim: Hey, dudes.
J.D.: Don't "hey, dudes" us! You know what really bothers me?
Kim: Non-threatening colloquial greetings?

My Transition [5.24][edit]

Elliot: Okay, guess what flavor baby food this is.
Keith: Cab driver feet?

Carla: I could give you a whole list of things that suck about being pregnant. For example, I am now horny as I've ever been, and my husband is repulsed by me.
Turk: Baby, if you really need it that badly, I will suck it up, close my eyes so tight, and then do you.
Carla: Thank you for the sacrifice.
Turk: It's because I love you.

Season 6[edit]

My Mirror Image [6.01][edit]

[After Carla tells Elliot that she should talk to J.D.]
Elliot: Yeah. Maybe we can talk about how everyone in this fricking hospital is having a baby except for me. I mean, [Points to Carla] having a baby, [Points to Turk] having a baby, [Points to Dr. Cox] having a second baby, [Points to a nurse] having her husband's best friend's baby. That's right, Mona, everybody knows! [Sees Dr. Beardface staring at her]. What're you looking at, Beardface? You want a kid? Because I swear to God, I will mount you right now!
Beardface: It's Beardfacé, DAMMIT!

Patient: I was so obsessed with getting my J.D. that I never did the things I really wanted to do. Start a family. See the world.
Janitor: Punch a whale.
Patient: Nah, I punched a whale. Right in the face. Down he went, like Liston.

My Best Friend's Baby's Baby and My Baby's Baby [6.02][edit]

Jesus figurine: No abortions!
J.D.: What if the parents are both drug addicts who'd neglect and abuse the child?
Jesus figurine: Oh, in that case it would be OK.
J.D.: Really?
Jesus figurine: NO abortions! How are you not getting this?!

Jordan: Anyway, I was thinking we need new table linens for the dining room. Well, not so much table linens as placemats. What do you think's prettier, burgundy or mauve?
Dr. Kelso: [While Jordan continues to talk continuously] What the hell's with her?
Dr. Cox: She's mad, but she can't give me the "silent treatment", because she knows I'd actually love that, so she's giving me the "talk until I want to commit suicide treatment".
Dr. Kelso: Sucks to be you.
Dr. Cox: You have no idea. [Doctor Kelso walks off]
Jordan: [is still talking as Doctor Cox starts eating his newspaper] What else do I need for that — OH! I need new pillow shams and I — I like cotton, but I think we should get a cotton blend because that's easier to clean and I hate ironing. Maybe we need a new housekeeper — maybe the housekeeper should come every single day now...

My Coffee [6.03][edit]

Turk: I'm not telling Isabella she's got a vagina until she's 18!
Kim: That's gonna be an awkward birthday party.
Turk: Do not tell my daughter she has a vagina! I'm serious! [Points threateningly at Elliot, J.D. and Kim] Hm? Hm?! Hmmm?!?
J.D.: It may have already come up.

Dr. Cox: A tip jar. Really? So what am I supposed to do, just duke you my change because you poured hot water through beans? Well, I'll tell you what, my friend, unless you're also planning on giving me a complimentary reach-around with my beverage, I'm afraid the answer is yeah-no. Here's a novel idea: Why don't you go fetch me a very large cup of coffee with so damn many fake sugars in it that the coffee itself gets cancer. [slouches away]
Elliot: Guys, guys, I got a good one. Is it me, or does...
Everyone: [monotone] ...someone need to switch to decaf?
Turk: Lay off of Elliot. She doesn't watch as much old TV as we do.
Elliot: You actually stood up for me! But, now I'm forced to ask...
Everyone: [monotone again] ...who are you and what have you done with Turk?
Elliot: [shrieking] Stop finishing my awesome jokes!
J.D.: [holding his ears] Oh my God!

My House [6.04][edit]

J.D.: [voiceover] The only thing worse than not knowing why a patient is crashing, is being offered help by the hospital's grief counselor, Dr. Hedrick.
Dr. Hedrick: Need help, old friend?
J.D.: Oh yeah, her kidneys are failing, give her a pep talk, stat!

J.D.: I can't believe you can get heart failure from being sad. How do you treat that?
[Cut to fantasy; a man is flatlining.]
J.D.: This man is coding, get me a box of kittens, stat!
[J.D. tips the kittens over the man, who comes back to life and smiles.]
J.D. Possible side effects of kittens include sneezing, tiny scratches and erectile dysfunction.
[Cut back from fantasy.]
J.D.: Wouldn't I be a great spokesman for things?

My Friend With Money [6.05][edit]

Dr. Cox: [After Elliot turns a patient over to him.] You're giving orders to me? OMG Barboo, you make me want to LOL.
Elliot: [Stares]
Dr. Cox: I just discovered texting. I'm a little late in the game, I know, but that doesn't make you any more of a G-A-B-P-I-T-A-W-M-M-W-number two-D.
Elliot: Excuse me?
Dr. Cox: Giant Annoying Bangsy Pain In The Ass Who Makes Me Want To... Die.

[Keith is dressed in a one-piece wrestling outfit]
J.D.: Hey, nice singlet! Does it come in hetero?

My Musical [6.06][edit]

Elliot: I haven't sung since the sixth grade talent show when I sang Pat Benatar's "Hell Is For Children". Then at the end, Mr. Shaman the emcee said "No, hell is for everyone who heard you sing that song." My mom was so mad at him that she slept with him and ruined his marriage.

J.D.: [singing] You're the only man who's ever been inside of me!
Turk: [to Mrs. Miller] Whoa, whoa, I just took out his appendix.

His Story IV [6.07][edit]

Dr. Kelso: Listen up, faces. In order to save us all some time, I will call all the males "Daves" and all the females "Debbies".
Debbie: [excitedly] Debbie is actually my name!
Dr. Kelso: Then out of fairness to the others, you will be "Slagathor". Daves, Debbies, Slagathor, I will be in my office. If you need anything, feel free to bother Dorian.

Pvt. Dancer: Even though no one ever comes, every time I hit this nurse's button, I feel a bit better.
Dr. Kelso: That's morphine.
Pvt. Dancer: That explains it.

My Road to Nowhere [6.08][edit]

Dr. Cox: You've been wrong so many times that I'm not even going to say something is wrong anymore. I'm going to say that it's "Dorian".

Dr. Cox: Gandhi, did you tell Jordan what I said about her wanting to cuddle? She doesn't like people to know that she actually cares for me!
Turk: Relax, she's pregnant, what could she possibly do?
[Jack runs up to Dr. Cox]
Jack: Man check!
[Jack punches Dr. Cox in the crotch and he falls to the floor in pain]
Jordan: Good boy, Jack, good boy!
Turk: He can't possibly make this my fault, right?
J.D.: Dorian. Dammit, now I'm doing it! [Stepping over Dr. Cox] Careful, he's gone fetal.

My Perspective [6.09][edit]

Dr. Kelso: My name is Bob Kelso, and I like whores. [pauses while the group stares] Now, why don't I introduce myself like that? Because there is a time and a place for the truth. Take Dorian's intern Brendan, for example. He told his patient that it was the first time he was performing a spinal tap. And what did the patient do, doctor?
J.D.: Well, uh, she started to hyperventilate, and then she reached for a hit of what she thought was an oxygen tank. It turned out to be a helium container from pediatrics. Then she screamed [in a high falsetto] "I'll kill you bitches!", which, frankly, we all thought was hilarious.
Dr. Kelso: Oh, indeed it was. But you know what wasn't? When she ran for the door, tripped and fell, and broke her femur. Now she's suing the hospital. And since Ted is our lawyer, what's going to happen?
Ted: Girlfriend's gonna get paid.

Elliot: You have to help J.D.
Dr. Cox: Any other day, I'd just say no, but today, I'm gonna go ahead and say... no.

My Therapeutic Month [6.10][edit]

Carla: Elliot, you can't test love. When I met Turk, it seemed he was more in love with his best friend than with me.
Turk: Honey, they've got that almond biscotti J.D. loves, so I was wondering if I can borrow some money so I can get him some.
Carla: No, you got him a present yesterday.

Pvt. Dancer: [about his physical therapist] Why don't you just ask her out?
J.D.: Expertly flirting is one thing, but I just got out of a serious relationship. Plus, I'm a tent-dwelling poop-fainter who can't drive.
Pvt. Dancer: I have a fiberglass skull.
J.D.: It's always gotta be a competition with you, doesn't it?

My Night to Remember [6.11][edit]

J.D.: [voiceover] Suddenly, all of our memories of the last six years came flooding back, like a clip show in some sitcom too lazy to come up with a fresh story.

J.D.: Wow, it has been an amazing six years. I wouldn't change any of it, would you guys?
Dr. Cox: I'd damn sure change this moment, and any other moment that was even remotely like this moment. [leaves]
J.D.: Hey, Turk...
Turk: I'm not giving you a hug.
J.D.: [narration] I hate this place.

My Fishbowl [6.12][edit]

Dr. Cox: I mean, what the hell? If I wanted my patients to be more depressed I'd just have them read Newbie's latest blog entry.
J.D.: "Why being really lonely is sometimes super awesome."

Turk: Look, man, we all have those bleak moments where we swear we'll never bounce back. Like when I was seventeen, my mom walked in my room with a look that I had never seen. She said, "it's over Turk... Michael Jordan's career is over."
Dr. Cox: Is anyone a bigger idiot than you?
J.D.: Is he the black golfer?

My Scrubs [6.13][edit]

Man: Hey Grandpa, a little help.
Dr. Kelso: Here you go, sport. But call me "Grandpa" again and you and I are going to play a little game called "hide the wingtip". There may be a generational gap here, I'll explain. The wingtip is my shoe, the hiding place is your ass.

Elliot: Oh, and FYI, I happen to like the voiceovers on Grey's Anatomy. Except for when they are really vague and generic.
J.D.: [voiceover] And so in the end I knew what Elliot said about the way things were had forever changed the way we all thought about them.

My No Good Reason [6.14][edit]

Ted: [About Heather] I'd let her give me a bath. I don't care if my mom was watching.

Dr. Cox: Okay, I made you breakfast, the kitchen's as clean as a whistle, I'm gonna drop Jack off at daycare on the way to work, is there anything else I can do for you?
Jordan: I need you to go to the video store and get me anything with Viggo Somethingsen. I need white chocolate, strawberry seltzer, peppercorn brie and a polaroid of the tomato plant that I planted last spring, because I'm worried it may have snails. Oh, and if you see that neighbor Lena from down the hall I want you to roll your eyes and say the word "slut" under your breath, but loud enough so she can hear, and don't forget to be home by 6:30 because you gotta give Jack his bath before you make my dinner!
Dr. Cox: But, when will I have time to kill myself?
Jordan: Well, that's not my problem!

My Long Goodbye [6.15][edit]

Dr. Cox: I am not telling anyone that my daughter has been born.
J.D..: But you just told Jordan that you're gonna...
Dr Cox: Yes, and that's what we call a lie, or, when you're married, communication.

Carla: [to Laverne] Wow. I'm still not ready to do this. It's gonna be so weird not having you by my side everyday. Making fun of the doctors. Going on and on about Jesus; man, I hope he's real or you're gonna be pissed. Remember my first day? When that patient came in and started bleeding out on me. I was so shocked I could barely move. But you stood by my side. And you guided me through it. And then you did the most amazing thing of all: you made me laugh. [chokes up] For the last 15 years you've been my role model, but most of all you've been my friend. And I don't know what else to say, but [crying] I'm really, really gonna miss you. Good-bye.

My Words of Wisdom [6.16][edit]

Lonnie: Dr. Cox!
Dr. Kelso: You might want to knock, he's in an imaginary glass bubble.
[Lonnie knocks]
Dr. Cox: [pantomimes opening a window] What?
Lonnie: [looking down at Dr. Cox] I need help with a patient.
Dr. Cox: Twenty minutes.
Lonnie: [begins to walk away, turns around] Hey, how long does it take for an old woman to slowly bleed to death?

Turk: How do you know sign language?
Janitor: Well, when I was in high school I was a volunteer janitor at the Hoboken Zoo. And one night I was out plucking peacock feathers to sell for pens when I noticed Gary the gorilla making the sign for food. I gave him my danish. He gave the sign for "thank you". Those were the only two signs that Gary knew. Except for boobs. He liked 'em big and hairy.
The Todd: Join the club, playa.
Janitor: Get away.
The Todd: [shrugs] Okay. [leaves]
Janitor: So, eventually Gary, I'm sorry to say, died of lung cancer. For that I blame myself, because I used to share my smokes with him. But he also piqued my interest in signing, and in his memory I took my first signing class.
J.D.: Is any of that true?
Janitor: Someone would have to read it back to me.

Their Story [6.17][edit]

J.D.: If Turk's mind is set on something, it can't be changed! I can't even imagine how I'd try.
[J.D. begins to enter a fantasy; however, the show's viewpoint remains in the real world]
The Todd: [voiceover] Oh, great. There he goes off into his fantasy world. Now I'm stuck here waiting until he snaps out of it with some weird comment.
J.D.: We'd have to find a whole lot of gnomes!
The Todd: That's helpful.

Dr. Kelso: What are you thinking, Ted?
Ted: [voiceover] I could jam this [knife] through the soft spot on his temple, then slit my wrists with it before anyone got in to stop me... [to Kelso] The usual, sir.
Dr. Kelso: Well, you'd never do it; you don't have the guts.
[Carla and the nurses walk in]
Carla: If it's okay with you, we'll take that raise now.
Dr. Kelso: Okay, but in this little fantasy of yours, can I not have prostate problems any more? I can't sleep more than 40 minutes without needing to take a whiz...
Carla: Unfortunately for you, someone left this invoice for the hospital needles on my desk. And they're really undercharging you! So, either you shell out the extra 20 grand a month for our raises, or we call the needle company and it'll cost you twice that.
Dr. Kelso: [angrily] Ted, are you responsible for this?
Ted: [expressionless] Please, sir. I don't have the guts. [voiceover, deliriously happy] Oh yeah! Suck it bitch! I will murder you!

My Turf War [6.18][edit]

Melody: Of course, we could make out.
[J.D. looks at her, surprised]
Melody: Yeah, I know it's a little bit trampy but, what the hell, so am I.

Turk: Does heart trouble run in your family?
Patient: My uncle was shot in the heart.

My Cold Shower [6.19][edit]

The Todd: Hey, guys. I hear there's a Steel Magnolia in room 309 that needs a little pruning.
Turk: Todd, she's 68 and has syphilis.
The Todd: The Todd accepts all applicants, regardless of age or disability.

[Keith has just proposed to Elliot]
J.D.: [voiceover] As I looked at all the relationships around me... Some that had gone on forever... some that were reigniting... and some that had just begun... I realized something: It should have been me.

My Conventional Wisdom [6.20][edit]

[J.D. has just found out Kim did not miscarry their child]
J.D.: Were you ever planning on telling me?
Kim: Yes, but I didn't know what to say.
J.D.: How about: "J.D., I think there might be something living inside my uterus."

Janitor: Ah, hey everyone. I've been looking for a new roleplaying game ever since my Lord Of The Rings club booted me for using an actual warhammer, so would anyone mind if I pretended to be Chief of Medicine while Kelso is out of town?
Everyone: [unison approval]
Janitor: [suddenly dressed as a doctor] Fantastic! Let's make cancer feel foolish!

My Rabbit [6.21][edit]

Turk: Before Izzy was born, if I saw a half-eaten meatball sub in the trash you better believe I would dust that bad boy off and go to town on it! But now, I'm not risking my health eating trash-food. I mean, unless it's a corn dog.
Dr. Cox: Thank God you've procreated.

Dr. Cox: I've seen the Wiggles live in concert... twice.
Turk: Did they perform "Big Red Car"?
Dr. Cox: They opened and closed the show with it. It was awesome.

My Point of No Return [6.22][edit]

Turk: Look Jen, if you need any legal help concerning your accident, you can talk to Jim, who is a very successful bulldog of a lawyer, or you can talk to Ted, who, well—
Ted: My mom calls me Thunder.
Jen: I'm going to go with the less shiny one.
Jim: Tough break there, Thunder.

[Jordan has forced Dr. Cox and Jack to dress in identical outfits]
Jordan: Wow! You guys look great! I'm gonna get a photographer.
Dr. Cox: Jordan, I hate this.
Dr. Kelso: Why? I would think an arrogant ass like you would love having his very own clone.
[Dr. Cox puts his hands on his head, and Jack copies him]
Dr. Cox: Up yours, Bobbo.
Jack: Yeah, up yours, Bobbo!
[Awkward pause]
Dr. Cox: Outstanding.

Season 7[edit]

My Own Worst Enemy [7.01][edit]

J.D.: I can't believe I almost messed things up with Kim. What is wrong with me?
Dr. Cox: [walking by] You are an annoying, whiny man-child.
J.D.: That question wasn't directed at you!
Dr. Cox: What question?

[Turk, Cox, and Kelso are in the doctor's lounge, unsuccessfully researching Joe's disease. Kelso's head is lying in Cox's lap.]
Dr. Cox: [noticing Kelso's head] Fair enough.
[Dr. Beardfacé walks in]
Turk: [calling] What it do, Beardface?
Dr. Beardfacé: It's Beardfacé! BEARDFACÉ, DAMMIT!
Dr. Kelso: Calm down, Seymour.
Dr. Cox: If you wanna lose the nickname, you gotta lose the beard. Of course... then you'd be Doctor Face...
Dr. Kelso: HA! Dr. Face.
Dr. Beardfacé: DAMN you all!

My Hard Labor [7.02][edit]

J.D.: My kid's not even born yet and I'm already screwing up his life. I just want him to be really happy and normal, you know.
Dr. Cox: First of all, Newbie, we're talking about your kid, so the whole normal part was never gonna happen.

[Dr. Kelso is consoling his son over the phone]
Dr. Kelso: Of course you had to break up with him. No one you love should ever sell your car without asking and then blow the money on meth.

My Inconvenient Truth [7.03][edit]

J.D.: [looking in awe at a baby] I'm a dad!
Turk: That's not your kid.
J.D.: I know, but he reminds me of Sam.
Turk: That's a girl.
J.D.: Stop ruining it! Why do you have to ruin things? I was having a moment, here!

Ted: I'm going to say something to you that's been said to me by every person I've ever loved: I'm really disappointed in you. You are pathetic and weak and I don't love you any more, GET OUT!

My Identity Crisis [7.04][edit]

Jordan: What have you been doing all day?
Dr. Cox: Right up to this very moment I've been successfully avoiding you.
Jordan: I came to tell you that I'm taking the kids to my mother's for the weekend. And, seeing that you're not allowed within forty feet from her house...
Dr. Cox: Ah, the restraining order.
Jordan: [smiling] Ahhh, Christmas memories...

J.D.: [In janitor's uniform] It's like the ammonia is seeping into my brain and making me violent and angry and hateful!
Janitor: Yep, that's how it starts.
J.D.: [Angrily, to Boone] What the hell are you looking at?
Janitor: Nice!

My Growing Pains [7.05][edit]

Ted: Chicks, huh. They're all soft and cuddly but you never get to be with one.

Dr. Cox: Who cares about losing your childhood? I damn sure didn't.
J.D.: Yeah, but that's because your parents were violently abusive alcoholics. Not that there is anything wrong with that; it was probably very exciting.

My Number One Doctor [7.06][edit]

Janitor: [to his girlfriend Lady] I think it's time you learned the real me. Here we go. I'm not... like normal people. I don't have superpowers, but I'm working on it. For instance, watch me move this pen. [stares at pen; it doesn't move] It worked at home. I don't know. Maybe my table's slanted. Uh, anyway. Um, in my spare time, I also enjoy stuffing animals. Usually with other animals. For instance, a badger will hold five squirrels. A squirrel will hold most of a cat. A mouse will hold a shrew and a vole. You get it... the circle of life. I have broken the sound barrier, but you must never ask me how. I don't believe in the moon. I think it's just the back of the sun.
Kelso: Ha! I love a good trainwreck! [Carla goes to interfere]
Janitor: Furthermore, I think if you look closely enough at a...
Carla: Stop it you! She doesn't know you're joking.
Janitor: No, I'm...
Lady: Oh, he's... he's joking? [Carla nods] Oh thank God.

[Turk and Dr. Cox talking about]
Turk: There's no way I'm losing to J.D. There must be some way we can take him down.
Dr. Cox: I thought he was your best friend.
Turk: Winning is more important than friendship. My gram-gram taught me that.

My Bad Too [7.07][edit]

Dr Cox: So, Gandhi, what did your wife think of her terrible present?
Turk: I haven't told her yet. I mean, I was going to, but her not knowing I understand Spanish is like having a secret power. It got me flapjacks for dinner.
Dr Kelso: You got brinner? DAAAAAMN, Turkledawg!

[Turk and Carla are talking in Spanish about J.D. and Elliot]
Turk: Like them. I bet you that in two weeks they will be back together.
Carla: Do you think so? Some people are not going to like that.

My Manhood [7.08][edit]

[The ladies' room is being cleaned; Elliot decides to use the men's room]
Elliot: [reading off the bathroom stall's wall] "Rate Dr. Reid's butt?"... Yes! 9.2! Thank God this hospital's full of white guys.
. . .
Kelso: Don't be too pleased with that 9.2. That's out of 100.

Dr. Cox: Wait a minute, you're telling me that that poster-sized reminder of your giant ass-kicking doesn't bother you? You're the only one your son has to model himself after when he's deciding how to be a man, and occasionally seeing a Paul Mitchell poster every time you pass by the beauty salon just isn't going to cut it.
J.D.: Well, it's unfortunate that all children can't have the great role model you are, Mr. Borderline Alcoholic.
J.D.: [narration] Nailed him! It's great having silver bullets like that on everyone in the hospital.
Nurse: You sure told him.
J.D.: Thanks, herpes.

My Dumb Luck [7.09][edit]

Ted: [seeing Turk and J.D. hug] I need one of those.
J.D.: A hug?
Ted: No, a black friend. I think it would make me much cooler.
Turk: I should be offended, but he's right.

Carla: Janitor, are you familiar with the term "delusions of grandeur"?
Janitor: I believe I coined that term.

My Waste of Time [7.10][edit]

J.D.: I'm doing this thing where I take a slice of someone else's wisdom and use it in my own life.
Jordan: Seems coincidental.
J.D.: And yet I do it almost every week.

J.D.: [watching the Janitor and Ted argue] Those two should have their own sitcom. [fantasises about the sitcom's opening sequence]
Ted: I'm a lawyer!
Janitor: I'm a janitor!
Both: Together we adopted a cute little kid. We're Legal Custodians! [jingle] Get it?
J.D.: [to Sam] I'd watch that show; would you?

My Princess [7.11][edit]

Dr. Cox: [as the Knight] My name is Percival Cox. You're killing my friend. Prepare to die.

Dr. Cox: [narrating] And the princess and the idiot decided that their kiss didn't mean anything. [JD as The Village Idiot and Elliot as The Princess shake hands] Because in the end... they were both idiots.

Season 8[edit]

My Jerks [8.01][edit]

Denise: You know, it's ironic that cancer starts with "can", because at this stage there's nothing we can do about it.

Dr. Maddox: Hey, how come all you have in here is a smiley face button and a revolver?
Ted: Well, one's in case I get sad, and the other one in case I get really sad...
Dr. Maddox: [uncomfortable] Well... see you tomorrow.
Ted: We'll see...

My Last Words [8.02][edit]

Dr. Maddox: Hi, I'm trying to keep non-medical personnel from coming back in here. I'm the chief of medicine.
Jordan: I'm the chief of slag-smacking, so I'd keep moving if I were you.
Dr. Maddox: That's clever.
Jordan: That's funny, being clever's not how I got the job; smacking slags is.

J.D.: [To Denise] I need you to connect with your patients, okay? If they need some sympathy, dig down in your soul and find some.
Denise: Yo, Mr. Harris! Sucks you'll never walk again.
Mr. Harris: Hell yeah, it does!
Denise: Better, right?
J.D.: No, no, Jo. He... he lost his feet.

My Saving Grace [8.03][edit]

J.D.: It's like all of a sudden this hospital is a police state!
Elliot: The next thing you know, they're gonna be charging doctors for candy at the gift shop!
J.D.: They do charge doctors for candy at the gift shop, Elliot.
Elliot: Really? Then why does Johann always let me...
J.D.: Because he wants to make you his wife and bring you back to Estonia.
Elliot: Ah, that's why he's always asking me if I'm comfortable around oxen.

Katie: You know what's really driving me crazy? You keep acting like you know me.
Carla: Don't bother with the sob story. I've heard it all before.
Katie: Really? Because my dad died when I was six. To cope, my mom drank herself through most of my childhood. No one ever did anything for me—I had to do it all myself.
Carla: [in a sympathetic tone] Oh, Katie...
Katie: [choking up] I know.
Carla: [suddenly harsh] Heard it! Me? Dead mom. J.D? Dead dad. Elliot? Emotionally abusive parents. Dr. Cox? Emotionally and physically abusive dead parents that he might have killed, no one's quite sure.

My Happy Place [8.04][edit]

J.D.: [voiceover] Finally, Ted said what we were all thinking.
Ted: [to Kelso] Why are you spending your retirement in the place you used to work? It's so sad. By comparison, it almost makes my life seem... [pause] Aw! Still sad!

J.D.: You're a much stronger person than you used to be. I've changed, too... I have a beard now.
Elliot: How about you? Do you still let that voice in your head control you?
J.D: [voiceover] This is getting too serious! Kick her! Kick her in the head! [out loud] Not so much.

My ABC's [8.05][edit]

J.D.: I grew up on the street... No, not the hood. Sesame Street.

J.D.: Dude, have you been having fantasies about Muppets all day too?
Turk: No, I'm straight.
J.D.: That's just un-called for.

My Cookie Pants [8.06][edit]

Jordan: Excuse me? Dr. Kelso, isn't it? I'm Jordan Sullivan.
Dr. Kelso: What are you doing?
Jordan: I'm introducing myself, because clearly anyone who would convince Perry not to take the Chief job has never met me.
Dr. Kelso: That pansy-assed little tattletale!
Jordan: Bob, so help me God, you fix this or I will grab you by your muffin top and stomp on your withering man-parts until your eyes pop out!
Dr. Kelso: Twenty years ago I would have thrown you on this table and made love to you right here.
Jordan: And I would have loved it!

[during surgery]
Turk: Elliot, Todd and I are in the middle of teaching our interns how to do an appendectomy.
Elliot: Oh please, you just cut it out and sew it up.
Turk: [to assistants] She's right actually; finish up.
Elliot: Look, Carla always says that making love with you is perfect...
Turk: [to assistants] Yeah, she did!
Elliot: ...tell me, what makes it so special... I mean, she says that you even cry sometimes.
Turk: [mortified] Thank you for sharing!
The Todd: That's OK, T-Dog. If it doesn't hurt you're not doing it right.

My New Role [8.07][edit]

[Janitor walks into Dr. Cox's new office with a framed picture]
Janitor: So, where do you want me to hang it?
Dr. Cox: Someone else's office?
Janitor: You trying to keep me from doing my job? How would you like it if I tried to stop you from taking patients' wallets after they die?
Dr. Cox: Doctors don't do that.
Janitor: [smiles and winks] Look at you — sticking with the plan!

[Dr. Kelso walks into Dr. Cox's office as Dr. Cox is steadying a picture]
Dr. Kelso: So that's what a Chief of Medicine does!
Dr. Cox: What's with the lab coat, Bob?
Dr. Kelso: Ah, the old gal down in the pharmacy doesn't know I've retired, so she still hooks me up with free morning-after pills.

My Lawyer's in Love [8.08][edit]

Jack: Janice, you have one ugly baby, seriously.
J.D.: [to Dr. Cox] Did you teach your son to be mean to a baby?
Dr. Cox: Not just any baby but your baby.
[Jack runs to Dr Cox and is scooped up]
Dr. Cox: Come on, Jackie boy, let's go get you 10,000 jelly beans. [walks off with Jack]
[Sam looks upset]
J.D.: [to Sam] I know; they can be so hurtful.

Ted: I'm not what you would call a winner. Oh sure, I'm a lawyer. But that's only because I took the test in Alaska and they only have four laws, most of which are about when you can, or cannot, kill... seals.

My Absence [8.09][edit]

Turk: [to Dr. Cox] Have you seen J.D.?
Dr. Cox: No, I have not. Would you like to know why? It's because he's not coming in today. He's on a mini-vacation. And it isn't just today; he's not coming in tomorrow, which, by the way, is my day off. But not anymore! I'm coming in early and staying late, because life is too darn short to spend the day bonding with my family when I could be roaming the halls of this hospital without the possibility of running into that bearded hug monster you call a best friend.

Dr. Cox: Death doesn't really bother me unless it's someone I know. And even then, if it happens in a funny way, like my cousin who, honest to God, was flattened by a steamroller... I still sort of enjoy it.

My Comedy Show [8.10][edit]

Sunny: You can call me Sunny. My dad nicknamed me that because I brighten up a room. Of course, in college I had a few dark years. My car was stolen, I had three—was it three? No, four—I had four abortions.
[Denise stares at her blankly]
Sunny: I'm joking!
Denise: I'm gonna kill you with a hammer.
[Sunny laughs]
Denise: Why are you laughing?
Sunny: Because I'm scared. I'm not that strong.

Dr. Kelso: What do you want?
Janitor: I'm getting ready to torture Nurse Chestwhiskers, but it's her word against mine, so I need you to verify yesterday's incident.
Dr. Kelso: What incident? I wasn't even here yesterday.
Janitor: You were there.
Dr. Kelso: Excuse me. [holds a muffin to his ear] Hello? Ssh, he's standing right here!
Janitor: Me?
Dr. Kelso: I'll tell him. [to Janitor] My muffin thinks you're crazy and she wants you to go.
Janitor: Tell your muffin I think she's crazy. Maybe she should go!
Dr. Kelso: No.
Janitor: What is happening to me? [leaves, upset, just as Carla appears around the corner]
Carla: [pats Kelso on the back] Nice job.

My Nah Nah Nah [8.11][edit]

Dr. Cox: Hey there, Zeltzer. Do you mind if my family and I eat with with you?
Dr. Zeltzer: Not at all. I work such long hours that my wife and I hardly see each other anymore, so I installed this webcam so I can watch her during the day. Right now she's doing the dishes.
Dr. Cox: Then who in God's name are those two naked people?
Dr. Zeltzer: That's Mr. and Mrs. Dish.
Dr. Cox: [horrified] Get the hell out of here!

Lady: I want to thank you for dinner last night. I've eaten by candlelight before, but never by firefly-light.
Janitor: Yeah, it was hard to get them all into jugs, but I thought it was worth it. [clasping her hand] So, what do you want do do tonight?
Lady: [letting go] I don't really want to hold hands right now. Is that okay?
Janitor: Um, sure, I'm, uh, I'm fine with that. Whatever. Like teenage girls say: "whatever!" We're cool.
Lady: I'll call you. [leaves]
Dr. Cox: Hey Janitor, rock solid relationship there!
Jordan: You know, there's nothing like looking into someone's eyes and seeing a part of them die. Oh! There it goes. Bye bye, hope!
Janitor: Everything is fine between me and Lady. Excuse me for not having a relationship that's based on jet-black hate.
Jordan: We don't hate each other. At least we can hold hands. [notices Cox's wedding ring] Wait, what's this? Is that a wedding ring?
Janitor: You're just noticing now? He's been wearing it for months.
Dr. Cox: Gotta go!

Their Story II [8.12][edit]

Carla: [to Turk] If we do hook up tonight, for once, you won't be the only one thinking about J.D.

My Full Moon [8.13][edit]

Turk: Derek, can you give Denise's patient a therocentesis and get that fluid out of there?
Derek: Surgery to the rescue! [to Denise] You are welcome.
Denise: Awww, that's adorable: you have a crush on yourself. I'd be careful, because the guy you're in love with is a douche.

Elliot: [To Turk] You know, I never answered your question earlier about whether you and I will always be doctors: you will. You have this amazing ability to find joy in everything you do. Whether it's an operation you've done a hundred times, or even teaching. But as for me, I know you think it was a big victory figuring out what was wrong with Robyn, but those moments are kind of like eating a piece of chocolate. I enjoy the satisfaction for about ten seconds, and then it's gone. See, the thing that sticks with me, is the look of anguish on a patients face when I give them crappy news. I hold on to that forever. You're a surgeon: you occasionally get to fix people, but I figure out whats wrong with someone and then most the time I can't do anything about it; I just wish them luck dealing with it, or try to keep them alive for a while longer. So, you wanna know if I'll always be a doctor? I'd have to say, I don't know. I'm a doctor now, I will be tomorrow, but I can tell you that, if I'm ever lucky enough to get married, to have some kids, to maybe not need the money... I think I'd walk out of here and never look back.

My Soul on Fire [8.14 & 8.15][edit]

J.D.: Then we saw where the Todd got it from. His old professor was the best high-fiver in the world.
[Professor high-fives Todd and the earth shakes]
J.D.: Then we'd all have sex to celebrate surviving.

[Van is speaking during the Janitor and Lady's wedding ceremony]
Van: Marriage is a dead institution. It hasn't worked for me, it hasn't worked for anybody in my family, but there are certain signposts you can follow, you know, to try and make the best of it. Try not to yell at each other, that's always a great idea. Don't share any money; always sound, sound advice. Never strike each other above the shoulders: from here down, from here down for hitting...Don't share cars. You're gonna find that it always has the other person's stink on it. You can't get that stuff off your shirt, you're gonna live with it for the rest of your life, you don't want it when you're driving to work.

[Janitor saying his vows to Lady]
Janitor: [clears throat] I just wanna say somethin' before we kiss, okay? [to guests] And thanks for coming even though I didn't want you here. [To Lady] Uh, I know that I'm weird, but uh, ya know, you'd be weird too, if your mother aged backwards, like mine did. So the thing is that I always kind of... figured that I would end up alone. And then you came along.
Lady: Mmhmm?
Janitor: And you don't just accept my quirks and my crazy stories and my lies about my mom, you actually appreciate me for them. And uh, I don't think I'll ever stop appreciating you, for that. But I know that I'll never stop loving you for it.
Lady: I love you too. [Janitor and Lady kiss]
J.D.:[narration] And right then we all realised the value of the romantic gesture, from one person who loves someone, to another.

J.D.: Look, Elliot, I don't know if its possible to put how I feel about you into words, but I guess I'll give it a shot. I never really believed I'd find somebody that I love as much as you. I love you more than anything in the whole world. Elliot, I love you more than Turk.
Elliot: [touched] Oh, my God.
J.D.: I know, that's even hard for me to say, but it's true.

My Cuz [8.16][edit]

Sean: We hit a bit of a speed bump when I found out Sam was your son.
Kim: Yeah, he got drunk and asked me to sell him on the black market.

Sean: It's not fair that we still have to be in each other's lives.
J.D.: I know, but I also know that the girls aren't going to let up until we make peace. So, what do you say we change the tone a little bit and both say something nice about each other? I'll go first. Look at you. There's no way around it: you're a beautiful man.
Sean: Thank you, J.D.
J.D.: Now you go.
Sean: I never agreed to that.
J.D.: Beautiful son of a bitch!

My Chief Concern [8.17][edit]

Carla: I'm just saying, the only time you guys haven't been together was our honeymoon.
[Turk and J.D. exchange guilty looks]
Carla: What?
J.D.: It's time.
Turk: No!
J.D.: Yes!
Turk: Honey, uh, J.D. and I were together during our honeymoon. He flew in and stayed in the bungalow by the pool.
J.D.: He forgot his favorite lotion! Was I supposed to let him get ashey?

Jordan: [to Ted] So, sweat-stain, how are things with your girlfriend now that you're roomies?
Ted: Oh, we're having sex like crazy.
[Everyone at the table gags]
Ted: Why do you react that way when you picture me having sex?
Dr. Kelso: Well, you try it!
Ted: [thinks, makes a horrified face] OH MY GOD!
Dr. Kelso: Not a pretty picture, is it?

My Finale [8.18][edit]

Sunny: He's finally gone. Talk about making a big deal over nothing, you know. I mean, Dr. Dorian was fine, but he was no better than any other doctor.
Cox: For the record, he was the best that ever came through this dump. [J.D. quietly walks behind him] John Dorian was the first and only doctor I ever met who cared as much as I do. And you can forget about him being just an exceptional physician because the fact of the matter is...he's a damn exceptional person. That's why people gravitated to him. That's why I did. He was my friend.
J.D.: [overjoyed] Thank you, God. That was beautiful.
Cox: [mortified] Oh, God, no.
J.D.: It's okay, Perry. You just said how you feel. Honestly, I am so full of your love right now, I literally could not take another drop. Brace yourself, I'm coming in. [He hugs Cox and sighs happily] You smell like a father figure.
Cox: Oh, please stop.
J.D.: [breaking away] Great job, Sunny. You said your line perfectly.
Sunny: Thanks, I worked on it.
J.D.: I knew that would set you off. Good night, best friend. [He leaves] He thinks I'm an exceptional—[hits the doorway with his hands] ow!—person!
Cox: You realize that even though he gets to leave, you have to stay?
Sunny: I didn't think that out.
Cox: [menacingly] No [pause], you didn't.

J.D.: I guess it's because we all want to believe that what we do is important, that people hang on our every word, that they care what we think. But the truth is, you should consider yourself lucky if you even occasionally get to make someone, anyone, feel a little better.

J.D.: [After fantasizing about the future] And who's to say this isn't what happens? Who can tell me that my fantasies won't come true? Just this once...

Season 9[edit]

Our First Day of School [9.01][edit]

Lucy: [After smelling the air] Kiwi!
Denise: What?
Lucy: I smell kiwi.
Denise: Yeah, it's my shampoo. I love kiwis, so what?
Lucy: Me too! Not really, they're hairy, they look like... monkey nuts.
Denise: Don't smell people; it's weird.

Lucy: I'd just like to thank you, on behalf of all of us, for getting us pizza. [voice-over] There: smelling incident fixed!
Denise: Yeah, they gave me money to do it. Along with free room and board to attend to your emotional needs. Speaking of which, little administrative thing. If you're going to kill yourself — lookin' at you, sad eyes — do it off-campus, because it is a butt-load of paperwork.

Our Drunk Friend [9.02][edit]

[J.D. is sitting in a tree to symbolize the cardiovascular system]
Lucy: Great class, Doctor D! Even better than the one you did with interpretive dance.
J.D.: Thanks, Lucy. I like to call it "teacher-tainment". Now, be a doll and go give Dr. Turk a message ASAP. Tell him Dr. Dorian is stuck in the tree again, but this time there are many bees. Hurry, Lucy, I have honey hair!

Lucy: I thought being a doctor was about helping people.
J.D.: It is, Lucy. Well, that and showing up my third grade teacher, who said I'd never amount to anything. Eat it, Mrs. Nickerson! [voiceover] And rest in peace.

Our Role Models [9.03][edit]

Denise: I'm sorry, white bread, I'm not really looking for a protegé slash suckup.
Lucy: Dr. Mahoney, I am not sucking up! If I were sucking up, I would tell you how much I like your shoes... which I do, by the way! They're mannish, but flirty, like, "Hey boys, come and watch me build a deck."

Dr. Cox: Okay class, with the exception of number one here, today's assignment is to drop out of medical school. Your parents' money would be better spent stuffed into garbage bags and shot into the sun.

Our Histories [9.04][edit]

Ted: Dr. Cox, did you hear that I'm quitting?
Dr. Cox: I did, Ted, and I don't know how to pretend to care.
Ted: Understandable.
Dr. Kelso: Theodore, I always figured that someday we'd just find you dead in your office.
Ted: Yeah, that was the dream. But the Gooch and I are taking some time off and touring the country.
Gooch: We've written a song for every state.
Dr. Cox: I'm sure I'll hear all of them when I die and go to Hell.

Bouncer: Are you on the list?
J.D.: Yes, under "John Dorian", or "Dr. Dorian". Or maybe "Doctor Dizzle" or "J. Dizzle".
Bouncer: There's a "J. Dizzle" here.
Man: I'm John Dizzle!
J.D.: Dammit!

Our Mysteries [9.05][edit]

Lucy: Doctor D, I can't believe you're leaving us! You're, like, the best teacher ever!
J.D.: Ah, Lucy, but you'll always carry a piece of me with you. I'll be here [touches her head] and I'll be here [touches her stomach].
Lucy: In my stomach?
J.D.: I would have touched your heart, but I did that once to another female student, and it resulted in having to watch a four-hour video called "Boundaries".

[Lucy is taking blood from J.D.]
Lucy: I don't know why I'm not getting this.
J.D.: I used to have a problem with the same thing. But then I realized that you just have to pretend that the needle is your friend. Be careful, though: I told that to a medical student once, and he became a heroin addict.

Our New Girl-Bro [9.6][edit]

Drew: So, did he buy the newsletter rankings nonsense?
Dr. Cox: Like an elderly shut-in talking to a telemarketer.
Drew: Outstanding.

Lucy: [to Elliot] Morning, sunshine! You look rested! Oh, and making time for the paper, that must be nice. [drops the act] Later, you munch!
Elliot: Did she just call me a buttmunch?
Drew: Well, she didn't use the word "butt", though I can't think of any other prominent kind of munch, so... yeah, she called you a buttmunch. [cheerfully] I'm Drew, by the way!

Our White Coats [9.7][edit]

Dr. Cox: And now, a boring announcement about a pointless tradition, brought to you by an aging figurehead with a failing liver and an over-active libido.
Dr. Kelso: Thank you, Perry, you anger-filled muscle-slut.
Dr. Cox: I miss this.
Dr. Kelso: Me, too. It kills me that we're friends now.

Turk: The OR room is a safe place. No one's going to yell "Recognize!" at you. Can I ask you a question? Why do white people ruin everything? I only got to say "fo shizzle" for a week. A week!

Our Couples [9.8][edit]

Cole: What did Drew say about me rejoining the study group?
Lucy: He said no.
Cole: Really? Did you remind him I'm one-eighteenth American Indian?
Lucy: Are you?
Cole: I don't know, but I always tell people that. It makes the white man feel guilty.

Cole: Damn, girl, you can't just jump in front of golf carts! That's how gardeners die!

Our Stuff Gets Real [9.9][edit]

[The class is to be tested on dissecting a cadaver, who was once Lucy's patient, Ben]
Lucy: [narration] Anyway, my friend Ben was going to propel our group to the top of the class. I'm so moved, I just want to put those feelings into words. [out loud] Dr. Turk, I can't wait to slice up this old bastard's ticker!

J.D. [to Elliot] Hello, wife-face! Your shift is over, and I'm taking you on a baby-moon!
Elliot: What are you talking about?
J.D.: A baby-moon is a vacation that couples take just before your baby comes out of your special area. And the resort I found is amazing; they have horseback riding, and jet-skiing...
Elliot: Oh, do they also have any punching each other in the stomach contests? Because that's another thing I can't do.

Our True Lies [9.10][edit]

Cole: Your mom doesn't like me very much, does she?
Lucy: [nervously chewing her hair] She's crazy about you!
Cole: See? You're lying! Babe, I can read you like the back of a DVD case. You chew on your hair when you lie, you adjust your bra when you're about to yell at me, and you get this far-off look in your eye when you're narrating in your head.
Lucy: [narration] Even though Cole and I were clicking...
Cole: There it is!
Lucy: [adjusting her bra] Stop noticing things I do!

[The class is in detention under suspicion of cheating]
Denise: I hope it was Drew. Then he'll get his butt thrown out of here.
Lucy: What did he do to you? Did he smack you around?
Denise: Worse. He told me he loved me. Who does that? Don't you see? He's trying to get me to trust him so he can let me down.
Lucy: Crazy idea: you could just say "I love you" back.
Denise: Yeah, but then if it doesn't work out, I'll have to kill him, go to jail, break out, and kill you for giving me that advice.
Lucy: I love how our friendship is based predominately on threats.

Our Dear Leaders [9.11][edit]

Drew: I just needed a moment of peace and quiet. The other students will.. not.. stop asking me questions.
Dr. Cox: Oh, puh-leeze! I have a hospital full of incompetents hammering me with stupid questions every second of every day.
Todd: Dr. Cox, your patient in three is septic. Antibiotics or vasopressors?
Dr. Cox: Antibiotics at first.
Drew: That wasn't so dumb.
Dr. Cox: Wait for it.
Todd: Oh, did you get my request for scrubs that hug a little closer to my wham-bam?
Dr. Cox: Thank you, Todd, for being the example to a point you don't understand.
Todd: You're welcome.

Russell: There is so much I could teach you, if you would just open up and let me in. Let me in, Turk!
Turk: I'm about to punch you in the mouth!
Russell: Fine, but be forewarned: I trained with the Mossad. I could kill you with a button off your jacket.
Turk: Really. Because I trained with LaMarcus down at the gym, and he was an NFL linebacker before he came out of the closet!

Turk: Somebody's parked in my spot!
Dr. Kelso: Boo-hoo, it takes me 11 minutes to pee.

Our Thanks [9.13][edit]

[Lucy is talking with the adult son of her anatomy cadaver, who it turns out was an abusive father when he was alive]
Lucy: OK, I'm sure Ben could be a jerk. But you have to admit he was a great bowler; I found a picture of him bowling a 310 on August 12, 1979.
Eric: So that's where he was on my seventh birthday.
Lucy: [voiceover] Aw, balls!

Denise: Stop acting weird. I'm trying to eat lunch in front of a bunch of corpses.


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