Sea Patrol

Sea Patrol (2007- ) is an Australian drama series set on board a patrol boat in the Australian Royal Navy

Season One (2007)

Welcome Aboard (1.01, 001)

Mike: When we last met, on the course. I never expected we'd end up on the same ship you being a big ship sort of person and me being wedded to patrol boats.
Kate: Yes, you're right. I am a big ship sort of person.

---

Chefo: Word is you haven't been saluting the ship's mascot.
Spider: I'm supposed to salute it? Who is he?
Chefo: It's Thor - the thunder god.
Spider: Oh, my mum wouldn't like me saluting him then. We're Presbyterian.

---

Buffer: Don’t listen to him, Spider.
Spider: Oh, my name’s Billy. Billy Webb.
Chefo: Yeah, that’s right. Spider Webb.
Spider: No, I had that all through school. I joined the navy to get away from it all.
Buffer: Good luck with that, Spider.

---

Mike: What’s happening, Buffer?

Buffer: They’re still looking for a tube, sir.

Mike: (Looks thoughtful.) Tell X she’s got a pistol. Use it.

Buffer: You want him to shoot her?

Mike: Tell X to break down her Browning, remove the 9-millimetre barrel, use it as a tube. Over.

Buffer: Got it.

Mike: (Chuckles.) Shoot her.

Nav: Well, that’s one way of ending a crisis.

---

Jaffah: It’s freezing.

ET: No it’s not. We’re too close to the equator.

Jaffah: Do we have any sharks in these waters?

ET: No. The saltwater crocodiles scare ‘em away.

Jaffah: Crocodiles?

ET: I’m joking.

---

Buffer: You got my smokes?
Spider: Eh?
Buffer: My smokes. You got 'em?
Spider: You said not to give them to you.
Buffer: That was then, this is now.
Spider: Yeah but you said even if you asked.
Buffer: Spider, I'm a gentle man. Don't tempt me to violence.
Spider: I can't. I swapped them for some crabs.

What Lies Beneath (1.02, 002)

Mike: Enjoying yourself, X?

Kate: Driving a patrol boat is very different to a frigate.

Nav: Ha! Yeah, different as! Like a V8 and a schoolbus.

Mike: You’re a westie petrolhead, Nav.

---

(When ET dives to check what’s under the Hammersley.)

Alicia: The gunner is there because...?

Kate: In case of sharks.

Buffer: Oh, I wouldn’t concern yourself, ma’am. No self respecting shark would eat him.

Nav: But if one just snacked on him a little, might do the woman of the world a favour.

---

Mike: Nav, mark the buoy’s position on radar.

Nav: It’s already marked, sir.

Mike: Just once I’d like to get in ahead of you,

Nav: (Laughs.) In your dreams, sir.

---

Mike: And he’s under the impression that you’re Wonder Woman.

Kate: Oh, you didn’t already know that?

Ghost of Things Past (1.03, 003)

Spider: I think it's a ghost ship.
Buffer: It's a catamaran, you idiot.

---

RO: A man goes yachting to get away from his wife. Well, if he’s gonna call her every day, he might as well stay at home. (Leaves.)
Nav: Future Mrs Robert Dixon’s gonna be one lucky girl.
(Mike chuckles.)

---

Kate: Sir, four elephants and a giraffe could’ve gone over in that storm, we’d never know.
Mike: I think we can safely not bother looking for any elephants. The giraffe on the other hand…

---

Mike: (Observing Bright Island) Feds?
Buffer: Looks like it, sir.
Mike: I dropped off two agents, but I can see another six. What the hell are they doing?
Buffer: Breeding, sir?

---

Chefo: Hey, guys, guys what Spider’s just done.
Buffer: Chefo, as you can see, we’re playing a game here, and every time you interrupt, I lose concentration and Swaino wins.
Chefo: I’m sorry, Buff. You’re gonna want to hear this. You remember the blood you found on the catamaran?
Swain: Spider found it, yeah.
Chefo: Yeah. Well, it was evidence, and Spider, the tool, just cleaned it up.
Swain: He what?
Chefo: Yeah. X is fuming. Apparently it was the only thing to prove Jackson’s lying.
Buffer: Good one, Spider.
Swain: Mate, glad he’s in your division. It’s gonna be messy.
Chefo: I’d better go. Don’t want to miss the fun.
Swain: I win, by the way.
Buffer: I’m gonna kill Chefo.

Irukandji (1.04, 004)

[Spider and Kate are talking about Jaffa after he's been stung.]

Spider: They're going to be ok aren't they? Right? X?
Kate: I don't know Spider, I'm not a doctor.
Spider: But it's just a jellyfish sting.
Kate: Well severe Irukandji syndrome can be fatal. I've got to get back to the bridge. If there is any change in his condition get Swain immediately.
Spider: Yes Sir... (Kate gives him a look.) Um, ma'am.

Precious Cargo (1.06, 006)

Nav: Roger Romeo2, we might have to sink it. Over.
ET: Wow what about the Maritime salvaging rights, there might be a ferrari in this thing.
Nav: And who's gonna drive it back to base, Romeo? You?

Fisherman: Hey Spider, is that you, mate? How are you going? How are those crabs we gave you?
There is an awkward pause. Chefo sniggering in background.
Spider: (defensively) They're talking about seafood, Na they gave me some crabs on Bright Island!
Whole Crew laughs.
Spider: Chefo tell them about the crabs in the freezer.
Chefo: I don't know what you're talking about mate.

Rescue Me (1.07, 007)

Nav: I reckon they'd call it the rescue complex.
ET: So what, you're saying she needed to be rescued?
Nav: The rescue complex refers to the one doing the rescuing. You seemed pretty keen to wanna rescue her. [ET tries to speak] Glad she didn't shoot you though. Well, maybe glad is to strong a word.

Through the Storm (1.08, 008)

Spider: Ma'am. Does this make us square now?
Kate: Not quite Spider. not quite.

Under the Hammer (1.09, 009)

Mike: You shouldn't have come back here without Dr. Morell.
Kate: This ship, was on FIRE!

Season Two (2008)

The Dogs of War (2.01, 014)

Nav: ET's being posted with us?

Mike: Good to have the old gang back together, wouldn't you say?

(ET is driven over from the HMAS Melbourne in a RHIB) Charge: Wooh-hoo-hoo! It's the creature from the deep.

ET: I heard you fellows couldn't deal without me.

Buffer: Yeah right.

Swain: It's good to see you again mate.

ET: It's good to be here.

Bomber: You leave your cups up here, next time you get your coffee in a cardboard one!
Kate: [hiding a smirk] Consider yourselves told.

---

Mike: We'll let RO give them the good news.
RO: [sarcastically]Thank you sir.

Fortune Favours (2.02, 015)

The crew are practicing a boarding exercise and using left-over vegetables as mock weapons.
Spider: Step away from the cauliflower!
Buffer: It's a broccoli, you idiot.

Take Down (2.03, 016)

Nikki: You could restore power to the bridge.

Zan: In my shoes would you?

Nikki: I would never be in your shoes.

Heaven Born Captains(2.04, 017)

Charge: What is that?
Bomber: Croque monsier.
Charge: Crocca what?
Bomber: Ham and cheese toasted sangers.
Charge: Oh, alright.

Giving Up The Dead (2.05, 018)

(about the quiche)

Bomber: In Spider's case, it may bring on puberty.

Spider: I'll have you know I shave every day.

Charge: Legs and bikini line don't count, mate.

Kate: (Under the effects of rohypnol.) You're a beautiful man, Mike Flynn. Just beautiful.

Mike: Ok, thank you.

Kate: (Under the effects of rohypnol.) Why did you leave?

Kate: (Under the effects of rohypnol.) I don’t agree with extramarital soy sauce.

Birds (2.06, 019)

Mike: Nav what's your take on this Agent Fulton?
Nav: He's a Marine Protection guy Sir.
Mike: Yeah I know that but what's your take on him? Is he a loose cannon?
Nav: He's...a Marine Protection guy Sir.
Mike: Right, enough said.

---

Kate: What I need is a card that says 'Why is there a man in a barrel?'
Buffer: There'll be one in there somewhere Ma'am.

---

Nav: He kissed me.
Kate: He kissed you by accident?

---

Kate: I'm aware that you and ET have feelings for each other. Now I don't want to hear about that because I know that nothing would ever happen on the ship. You are too mature and professional for that to happen.
Nav: Thank you.

---

RO: At least you didn't contract bird flu.

---

ET: (When he's just been told his leg will be amputated) At least we'll always get a car space.

---

Nav: Haven't you had enough action for one day?
ET: Nah never, just ahh, I think I pulled a muscle boarding that FFV I thought I might stretch it out.
Nav: Oh no I know what you're doing, trying to drive me crazy.
ET: Is it working?
Nav: No, it's having absolutely no effect whatsoever.
ET: Oh, well I guess I'm safe just to keep doing it then.
Nav: Just don't blame me if I can't think about anything else.

Heart Of Glass (2.08, 021)

Buffer: Call the hands, call the hands. Wakey, wakey, wakey.

Shadow Line (2.09, 022)

[The crew on the Bridge are staring at the EOD watching Spider kiss Carly Walsman on Ray Walsman's yacht]
Nav and Charge: Oh oh oooooo ooh wow wooow!
Charge: Oh recording recording!
Nav: Spider hasn't got a chance against her.
RO: Guys, some of us are trying to work here.
Nav: RO,shoosh.
[Kate walks in]
Kate: Ahh, have we found something of interest on the EOD?
Charge: No, just perving on the cruiser.
Kate: What's Webb done with his life jacket?
Charge: Ummm well he.....
Nav: You know Spider, he's just...Spider.
Kate: Right

---

Mike: It’s just about being at sea.
Kate: Yeah, skippering a giant plastic bath toy.
Mike: You sound upset, X. Could it be that you’d miss me?
Kate: I just think that… it would be a terrible waste for the navy.
Mike: Well, I’m sure the navy would appreciate your concern. (Pause.) If I wasn’t in the navy it would open up certain other possibilities.
Kate: (Looks away silently.)

Rules Of Engagement (2.10, 023)

Mike: Who's got the machetes? "ET:" We're navy sir.

A Brilliant Career (2.11, 024)

Swain: "That's one hell of a bullet wound"
Freeman: "He doesn't appear to have been in the water long"
Swain: "You think he was thrown out of that prawn trawler"
Freeman: "Ohh well, unless he fell from space"

Season Three (2009)

Catch and Release (3.01, 027)

Spider: (carrying a box of exotic fish) "X, They've got the whole cast of Finding Nemo down there"

Mike 'CO': how do we frame our grief , how do we make sense of a life taken away so early ? these are the things we will ponder for years to come and there are no easy answers. what is clear through is the way ET lived his life he represented the finest values of the Royal Australian Navy. He believed passionately , He was loyal to his crew , and he never sharped his duty , He was courageous , diligent , and his sense of humor could defuse even the most difficult situation . He was a son , he was a brother , he was a friend , and he... , he was a member of my crew . We will miss him .

Navy Chaplin : I now commit leading seaman Joshua Holiday to the scene, may his soul rest in peace.

Buffer : General salute , present, arms ! (last post plays in backround) Buffer : Present ! Fire ! , Fire ! , Fire ! ( while guns are firing Et's ashes are poured out and into the wind ) then charge tosses wreath into ocean

Nav : ( under her breath ) goodbye .

Monkey Business (3.02, 028)

Kate opens hatch in roof

2Dads: MY GOD ITS A MONKEY! How'd he get here?

Kate: I don't know but he seems to know you.

China Dolls (3.03, 029)

[Talking about RO]
Kate: You really have to talk to him.
Mike: Do I have to?

Oh Danny Boy (3.06, 032)

2Dads: I thought you two would have something in common!

RO: Yeah, a certain part of our anatomy!

Red Sky Morning (3.08, 034)

Kate: If this ends up on Facebook I will never speak to you again.

_______

Nathan Talbot: PEEK A BOO!

Secret Cargo (3.11, 037)

Buffer: Ship's safe. Buffer's here!

Season 4 (2010)

Night of the Long Knives (4.01, 040)

(To RO, who is drunk)

Swain: Eh, Robert, stay away from golf buggies.

Charge: And transexuals.

Ransom (4.04, 043)

Kidnapper: It's not coming off. Maybe if I use turps!

Live Catch (4.14, 053)

Bomber drops plate in front of Kate

Kate: Is that attitude Bomber?

Bomber: No Ma'am, its chicken.